Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
Forget about the rape and stealing crabs and shouting obscene vulgarities towards women because obviously the Bucs have and are willing to wager their franchise on Jameis. Winston is the best QB in this draft. I believe that. He's either going to be the next Ben Roethlisberger or Jamarcus Russell.
Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon The Flyin' Hawaiian is a saint on and off the field but does he have the leadership skills to be an effective NFL QB? I look at Mariota and see a system QB. Seriously when was the last time an Oregon player made an impact at the next level? Keep thinking.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Amari Cooper, WR, AlabamaThe Jaguars want to surround QB Blake Bortles with the most weapons in the NFL. It's why they are going to do the dumb thing and pass on a bigger need on defense and take the best WR in the class. Cooper may become a stud but WR don't win you many football games.
Oakland Raiders – Leonard Williams, DT, USCI was tempted to have the Raiders select another WR in Kevin White here because as you know they are the Raiders and they almost always pick the fast, shiny new object. But instead I got them going with one of the safer picks in the draft in Williams. He's a Raiders fan and he's from USC. A match made in hell. The Raiders hit a HR last year with Khalil Mack by the way.
Washington – Dante Fowler Jr., OLB, FloridaIf Fowler falls this far the Redskins got the steal of the draft even if it's a top 5 pick. Fowler is the best player in this draft in my opinion. I think he makes an immediate impact like Khalil Mack made last year for the Raiders.
New York Jets – Randy Gregory, OLB, NebraskaI want to see the Jets draft Gregory just because he is the biggest enigma in the draft. The Jets love to cause controversy and a lot of scouts think Gregory might be the best talent in this draft but he's got the most unsavory reputation off the field. What better place for him to mature then under the bright lights of the Big Apple?
Chicago Bears – Shane Ray, OLB, MissouriThe Bears need pass rushers. Shit they need a lot of things. Ray despite the marijuana arrest can get to the QB. I see a lot of mocks having him drop out of the 1st because of marijuana. It's crazy talk. If Jameis can rape and steal and still go #1 overall there is no reason to think Ray's stock has fallen because of a little weed.
Atlanta Falcons – Todd Gurley, RB, GeorgiaFalcons fans are going to either laugh or cry at this pick because the Falcons have much bigger needs than RB but you still have to remember that Thomas Dimitroff has a seat in the draft room. Gurley without the knee injury would have been a top 5 pick even though RBs are considered interchangeable in today's NFL. He's the best talent to come out at that position since Adrian Peterson was beating the shit out of his kid. And as a Falcons fan I want to see this pick be made because it would be so polarizing to the whole fan base. One side would love it because he went to UGA while another would lose their shit because the Falcons need help on the defensive side of the ball especially in the front 7.
New York Giants – Brandon Scherff, OT, IowaNot much to say here other than the Giants need someone to protect Eli. Scherff seems to be graded the best in a weak class of tackles.
St. Louis Rams – Kevin White, WR, West VirginiaThe Rams love wide outs from Morgantown and I must admit I like Kevin White a lot. And other than that the Rams suck donkey dick so this pick will help seal a top 5 pick for next year before they move to Los Angeles.
Minnesota Vikings – DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville Teddy Bridgewater gets back his favorite target from college. I like Bridgewater's game and I think Parker will be an excellent player in the NFL.
Cleveland Browns – Vic Beasley, OLB, ClemsonThe Browns are trying to trade up to get the next great NFL QB failure in Mariota but if they don't I got them taking the work out wonder from Clemson.
New Orleans Saints – Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan StateThe Saints need help at corner and Waynes seems to be the safest bet here. Gotta hand it to Sparty they know how to produce corners.
Miami Dolphins – Marcus Peters, CB, Washington The Dolphins would love to get another WR target for Ryan Tannehill and could go with one of the many second tier college ones but instead decide to go defense. With the Suh signing you might as well make sure you got someone who can cover since the front 4 should be stout.
San Francisco 49ers – Arik Armstead, DE, OregonThe 49ers would love to team up Armstead on the opposite side of Aldon Smith. They get their wish granted.
Houston Texans – Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky When in doubt go defense with speed. Dupree could be a steal here for the Texans who continue to load up on that side of the ball.
San Diego Chargers – Andrus Peat, OT, StanfordThe Chargers might be taking a QB here if they trade away Philip Rivers as rumored. If they don't I got them taking someone who can protect Rivers on either one of his sides.
Kansas City Chiefs – La’el Collins, OG, LSUYes this guy might have had something to do with murdering his pregnant ex-girlfriend but boy oh boy can he block. He's worth the PR nightmare.
Cleveland Browns (from Buffalo) – Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri The Browns have to make this pick. DGB needs to be partying with Johnny Football and Josh Gordon. This must happen. It's so Cleveland it hurts.
Philadelphia Eagles – Danny Shelton, DT, WashingtonI was awfully tempted to have Chip Kelly take Melvin Gordon here. But the Eagles have gone so far off the radar this offseason I think they actually might make a prudent decision for once and take the big DT from Washington. "Why would they do that?" you ask...I have no fucking clue but I gotta respect the mad genius that is Chip Kelly.
Cincinnati Bengals – Cameron Erving, C, Florida StateWith no pass rushers on their board left they go with the next safe bet: protect Andy Dalton's ginger soulless ass. Erving will work.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake ForestThe Steelers need secondary help. And I guess this guy from Wake Forest can help. Honestly I have no clue who this guy is but I saw he is highly rated so there you go.
Detroit Lions – Malcolm Brown, DT, TexasThe Lions lost Suh and Fairley and need interior help to team up with new addition Haloti Ngata. Brown is the best DT left on the board at this point although I could see them taking undersized Eddie Goldman here.
Arizona Cardinals – Melvin Gordon, RB, WisconsinI know you don't take RBs in the first round but the Cardinals don't have shit at that position. Gordon is probably a product of his college system but the fucker ran for like a million yards last year for Wisconsin and so far has graded out well through all the workouts. In other words he is worth the risk here.
Carolina Panthers – Ereck Flowers, OT, MiamiIt's either going to be Flowers or D.J Humphries here to help protect Cam Newton. I did the educational thing and flipped a coin. It landed on Flowers. Congrats Carolina.
Baltimore Ravens – Ronald Darby, CB, FSUThe Ravens hit on their picks like 90% of the time so watch out for Darby. He will probably turn into the next Darrelle Revis.
Dallas Cowboys – Eddie Goldman, DT, FSUWhat is wrong with me? Another Criminole gets picked. The Cowgirls get a guy who can plug the middle while also chasing down RBs.
Denver Broncos – D.J. Humphries, OT, FloridaHumphries can step in right away and start at right tackle and help protect Peyton Manning for at least one more season.
Indianapolis Colts – Landon Collins, S, AlabamaThe Colts need help at safety and despite all the mocks saying Collins won't be a 1st round pick anymore I think they take a chance on yet another Nick Saban defensive back product.
Green Bay Packers – Shaq Thompson, OLB, WashingtonI absolutely love this pick. Thompson could be the best defensive player not named Dante Fowler in this draft. He's still raw but the guy is a play maker. Reminds me a lot of Anthony Barr when he came out last year out of UCLA.
New Orleans Saints (from Seattle) – Eric Kendricks, ILB, UCLAThe Saints are a train wreck right now so they need a leader for the middle of their defense. Kendricks can help provide that if the Saints decide to go defense instead of another target for Drew Brees.
New England Patriots – Eli Harold, OLB, VirginiaThe Patriots will probably trade down out of this pick but if they don't they take the best defensive player left on the board.
Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org)