THE KENTUCKY DERBY LOOKS LIKE FUN

I think going to the Kentucky Derby at Churchhill Downs is one of those right of passages every sports fan should do. I've attended games in Wrigley, Fenway, and Notre Dame Stadium and lived to tell the stories. Unfortunately I have never been to the Derby. I've done Preakness many of times but have never gotten my ass up to Kentucky for the first leg of the Triple Crown. After seeing the mud wrestling above I think next year might be a good time to make my first trek. The infield is where all the chaos and fun happens. This year they had over 150,000 people (mind you mostly drunk) attend and their television ratings were the highest in almost two decades. Horse racing is alive and well. So is mud wrestling in bikinis. The mud wrestling video makes me proud to be an American. That and our insane tax system.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS JERRY RICE WEARING?

In between watching the Atlanta Hawks get run all over by King James in the playoffs and viewing the Braves lose yet again to the lowly stinkin' Mets I somehow managed to "accidentally" flip on ABC. And what do you fucking know it's "Dancing with the C-list Stars" on and my jaw literally dropped, hit the floor, came back up and kicked me in the nuts before I laughed out loud.... "WHAT THE FUCK IS JERRY RICE WEARING?" I finally found a clip of it so you can see the NFL Hall of Famer making a complete and utter ass of himself on national television. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark of the video...

They call it "Dance Center" but I call it "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Center" hosted by Kenny Mayne. I know they were going for comedy but this is ABC. I honestly can't remember the last funny thing I saw on ABC other than the Presidential debates. Seriously Jerry, what the hell are you doing? I know that 80% of NFL players go broke within 10 years of retirement but the greatest receiver of all-time can't be hurting this bad for cash. Can he? I was just waiting for him to stand up and reveal the assless chaps he was no doubt wearing with two cartoon faces of Joe Montana and Steve Young on each cheek.

Not that there is anything wrong with that kind of behavior mind ya (covering my gay hate mail).

RICK ANKIEL STICKS HIS NECK OUT

Rick Ankiel aka Ricky Vaughn made this spectacular catch last night in Citizen's Bank Park against the Phillies. No need to worry about that jarring hit into the outfield padding. He is walking and in perfectly good health today. I forgot to mention that last week I got to see the St. Louis Cardinals play in Atlanta. I got down there kind of early so I could watch some batting practice, drink a cold beer(translation: beers in the parking lot before going in and dishing out $7 per) and beat the clusterfuck known as Atlanta traffic.

"The Ted" as I call is just south of the capital and unfortunately like most of metro Atlanta residents I live just north of the city. Three major highways converge in downtown Atlanta so you can only imagine how much of a headache I get just thinking about driving down to the Braves games. If people outside of Atlanta wonder why the Braves attendance can be poor at times they should note that traffic blows and Marta doesn't even drop off at The Ted.

On with the festivities known as batting practice. Our seats were on the visiting side dugout so I decided to go down near the Cardinals' dugout and watch the great MVPujols and perhaps get a picture with him and the shirt for the website. Pujols was of course bombing balls out of the park and joking around with teammates. You can see that his teammates really like him and now I can fully understand why the media gives him a pass when it comes to the steroid era. Anyways we are standing there waiting for Pujols when this cocky, arrogant piece of shit with sunglasses comes out of the dugout. You can already tell that this rookie is not very liked by his teammates because they tend to ignore him. He has this swagger and cock sure attitude that he is the shit. I don't want to give away his name for fear of embarrassing him. Let's just say his name is Colby Assmunch. Assmunch comes over to the side of the dugout and asks the kid behind me who is apparently one of his friends from Columbus I believe if he brought "the stuff." The guy nods yes and hands him this small brown leather bag that Assmunch quickly puts in his windbreaker pocket so no one can see it.

So my question is what could it have been? It was too small to be buttdarts but it could have been anal beads for Assmunch. HGH? Protein? I don't know what it was but Assmunch didn't want anyone else to know either so it makes me think it had to be something either illegal or incriminating.

Enough of that dickweed talk. The real treat was watching Pujols in batting practice. I didn't get a picture with the guy but I did get an autograph ball. And yes, I squealed like a little girl and soiled my pants immediately upon receiving. The moral of the story is Pujols cool. Assmunch not.

Video HT: WithLeather via The Fightins

GOOD MORNING, MEGAN FOX VIDEO

I got nothing else to say. Oh yeah...you're welcome.

SHANE BATTIER: WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS?

If bleeding is amazing then Shane Battier is your man NBA. He was known to bleed for five days while in college in Durham without dying so I guess that is pretty amazing. The Houston Rockets shocked the world last night by taking game 1 from the Kobe "No means No" Lakers in front of the glitz and glamour of soul less celebrities who think they are the shit. It must be pretty embarrassing to have the Duke Floppy outshine ya with his bloody gash.

OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN!

Yesterday the best player in basketball got his first MVP while the best player in hockey collected his first playoff hat trick. The Washington Capitals Alexander Ovechkin was absolutely sick last night putting the Caps on his back and carrying them to a 4-3 victory over Sidney Crosby's swollen labia (HT to Rivells).

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

Come on Crosby. Grow some fucking balls and shut the fuck up. Crosby did have a hat trick himself but seemed to be bothered by Ovechkin stealing his thunder and/or panties.

With the Caps up 2-0 in the series you would think they are in relative control but if you know anything about Washington hockey playoff history and I'm sure you don't they are known for blowing 2-0 leads. In a series with three of the best players in the game (Evgeni Malkin the other) expect the Penguins to bounce back in game 3 back in Pittsburgh.

DENISE RICHARDS SINGS AS WELL AS SHE ACTS

Unfortunately for Cubs fans they not only had to sit through this garbage from Richards but also never got the opportunity to see her wonderful fun bags. Her croaking "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" broke windows no doubt. Seriously, why the fuck is Denise Richards singing at Wrigley? I presume she is not a Cubs fan or even a baseball fan for that matter. Dumb chicks like her think catcher's mitts are slang for their privates. Her mitt has been beaten by every director west of the Mississippi and still she can't get roles. But yeah, she can get a singing engagement for the 35,000 plus drunks in Wrigley. Only in America.

RICKY HATTON DEMOLISHED BY PACQUIAO

I don't think Ricky Hatton has ever taken on the concept of defensive boxing. Pac Man absolutely destroyed Hatton with his speed and power, especially with his right hook. Pacquiao is a great boxer and Hatton is garbage. Hatton has no business fighting anybody with any sort of belt that is recognized in the States. Hopefully this will set up a fight between Pacquiao and Mayweather in the near future. Mayweather has come out of retirement and will seek to reclaim "the best pound for pound boxer" title he has lost to the Pac Man since he last fought in 2007 when he too knocked out Hatton.

It would be a hell of a fight. Right now I would put my money on Pacquiao over the boisterous Mayweather.

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

TOM BRADY IS ONE LUCKY DUDE

Man, I wish I could see a picture of my wife being groped by naked muscular black men. Tom Brady has to be the luckiest guy in the world today. I can only imagine what his teammates are going to say to him in the locker room. Randy Moss is going to be all over Giselle.

I can see Tom Brady right now. Giving his little temper tantrum face and crying into Bill Belichick's hoodie. "She told me she only had eyes for me!" I think the percentage is pretty high that Giselle at the very least nailed one of those black dudes. I'm going to say two. And don't give me the shit about her being a model and it's artistic garbage. She nailed them and now Tom Brady will have to face this picture when Moss tapes it up on his locker come two-a-days.

Haha..."come two-a-days"...that's what Giselle said.


Image HT: The Arab Aquarius

DENISE RICHARDS' FUNBAGS

What an incredible actress Ms. Richards has become. She is so convincing with her spray tan and fake smile and tits I almost got her confused with Meryl Streep. It really is a shame she hasn't been recognized for her incredible work in Starship Troopers and Undercover Brother. One of these days Hollywood will recognize her incredible Funbags skit and acknowledge her gifts which keep on giving. Charlie Sheen has been so kind to donate money on a monthly rate to Richards because of her convincing act.

J-SMOOTH TOMAHAWKS THE HEAT

Josh Smith has at least one of these a night. A straight drive down the lane throw down that gets the crowd at Philips Arena off their asses and cheering for the hometown Hawks. Once again the Hawks blew out the Heat to take a 3-2 series lead with game 6 going back to South Beach. Not one of the games in the series has been decided by less than double digits. If the Hawks can close it out in Miami they get to travel to Cleveland with a Lebron date on the docket. Laugh all you want but I think it would be a hell of a series at least in the entertainment department with Lebron and J-Smooth trying to one up one another with monster dunks. But of course it relies on the Hawks closing out the Heat. And if you know anything about Atlanta Hawks basketball the furthest thing they are known as is closers. Al Horford is down with a sprained ankle and might not play in game 6 or game 7 if necessary.

The Denver Nuggets clinched their first playoff series win since 1994 with another stomping of the Hornets. It's amazing to think the Nuggets haven't won a playoff series since Mutombo came down with that memorable rebound after they upset the
Sonics in '94. Chauncey Billups has been the difference as the Nuggets will face the Dallas Mavericks in the second round. They should blow out the Mavericks and eventually face the Lakers for a ticket to the NBA Finals. The way the Nuggets are playing right now I would not bet against them. Especially when you have The Birdman throwing down oops...

MCLOVIN IS A CELTICS FAN

Who would have thought McLovin was a chowderhead? He could identify with Brad Miller getting popped in the head.

Image HT: BarStoolSports

EVEN BATMAN IS BROKE

Bernie Madoff even got Batman aka Adam West's money. It's just not right.

MLB'S MATT VASGERSIAN THINKS ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK LIKE DONOVAN MCNABB

Let me start off by first saying that I love the MLB Network. If you are a baseball fan it is the greatest thing to happen since Albert Pujols passed his drug test. ESPN's coverage of baseball is so GD awful and bias that it is hard to stomach. So the MLB Network coming along is a great thing because you know, they actually talk about teams other than the big market ones that are near Bristol. Matt Vasgersian can be pretty witty and funny. Obviously he was going for both right here with Mitch Williams and Billy Ripken in the studio and wasn't serious. So if anybody thinks Vasgersian is racist for mentioning that the EMT was Donovan McNabb obviously doesn't understand racist humor. See, as long as you laugh it isn't racist. I laughed. Not racist. End of story. You can find my Irish ass drinking at the local watering hole after work if you want to discuss the merits of racist jokes. Oh, don't worry, I've been drinking all day in case you were wondering.

Video HT: WithLeather

UPDATE:Vasgersian offered up an apology last night on the MLB Network for his poor timing and attempt at humor...

BEND BUT DON'T BREAK

Notre Dame football players Robby Parris, Pat Kuntz, Armando Allen, and James Aldridge have their own version of the 7th floor crew. The "Bend But Don't Break" song features recent grad and new Indianapolis Colt defensive lineman Pat Kuntz rocking the wife beater and the cut off jean shorts. Sounds like a Florida Gator to me. Parris is in the Titleist hat and will be right behind Michael Floyd and Golden Tate on the depth chart this fall at wide receiver. Armando sounds like he has the most flow and I will forgive him for wearing the Yankees hat. Just get in the end zone this fall Armando and all will be forgotten. And "The Moose" James Aldridge is on the backup vocals. He will be trying to survive his senior season in South Bend at fullback after a switch from tailback due to injuries and depth chart issues.

I'm kind of disappointed they didn't get down and dirty like former Miami Hurricanes players Greg Olsen(a ND transfer), Jon Beason, Darnell Jenkins, and Tavares Gooden with the 7th floor crew...



Actually, maybe it's a good thing they didn't get too dirty. The media would have a field day if Notre Dame football players were rapping about sex acts. Now that I think about it this will probably be controversial because it involves talk about loving "the green", guns and getting money from Notre Dame football players at a school that preaches Catholic values. Oh well, they will have to get over it.

"LADY AND THE TRAMP" AND MICHAEL VICK

I'm sorry but I'm a dog lover and I still laughed when I saw this on Family Guy. Does this make me a bad person like Michael Vick? No, it's Disney's fault for calling the dog a tramp. They are the bad guys.

SOME INTERESTING HOCKEY HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS WEEKEND

First we have a couple of fans who appear to be celebrating the good old fashion way. And by good old fashion I mean giving head...

Wow, that father and son combo are awfully close. It doesn't surprise me, after all, they are Carolina Hurricanes fans. Those people are just dirty.

The second clip we have from this past weekend is of Chicago defenseman Matt Walker showing off his broken finger to a couple of lucky ladies...


Both clips via Deadspinvia PuckDaddy

SORRY QUAN COSBY BUT THERE IS ALWAYS THE "CANADIAN LEAGUE"

The great Bill Cosby made a guest appearance on ESPN's coverage of the NFL Draft yesterday and provided some funny insight to Texas wide receiver Quan Cosby (no relation) in regards to the draft. And of course Erin Andrews, you might have heard of her, is right in the middle of this funny exchange. Poor Quan never got drafted. Can you say awkward exchange?

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG