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Isn't this what we all wish for? I thought so...

GEORGIA TECH LANDS TOP OPTION QB IN JORDAN LUALLEN

Yesterday Georgia Tech picked up one of it's biggest commitments so far in the Paul Johnson era by landing top 15 QB Jordan Luallen. Luallen is a dual-threat quarterback out of Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana and turned down offers from Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisville, Maryland, Purdue, Stanford, and Cincinnati to pick the Yellow Jackets. He is a tall QB at 6-foot-3 who can scramble and scored 25 total touchdowns last season in helping his team to a 9-2 record.

Luallen should fit in perfectly for Johnson's triple option/spread offense he is looking to establish this fall in his first season on the Flats. Many pundits didn't think Johnson could land a top QB with his offense that almost ran to perfection at Navy the past few seasons. Johnson proved them wrong. Landing a recruit the stature of Luallen can only help and signals to other recruits that Johnson could have a top 20 class due signing day.

Now if only they can recruit 4 and 5 star recruits at every other position then they may have a chance to beat in-state rival Georgia. Key word: MAY.

IRISH LAND NASTY LB IN CARLO CALABRESE

The Fighting Irish have been needing a hard-nosed, punishing linebacker who loves to destroy the other team's players to fit into Jon Tenuta's blitzing attack and it looks like they found the perfect match in LB Carlo Calabrese of New Jersey. Yesterday Calabrese committed to Notre Dame and head coach Charlie Weis making him the 5th commitment and 3rd out of the Garden State in the 2009 class.

Calabrese looks like an old throwback type of football player who always plays with a ton of emotion and simply loves to hit people.

"I like hitting kids," Calabrese said. "That's my favorite thing."

Calabrese is the perfect fit for the MIKE position at ILB for Notre Dame. He has great instincts for the ball and is already big enough and strong enough to compete for playing time once he arrives on campus in 2009. He knows how to shed blocks and plays with a solid base which should make him an excellent middle linebacker in college with the ability to stop the run. At 6-foot-2, 225 pounds, he is built like a big rig and hits like one too. Looking at this picture will give you a better understanding of just how strong and big he is coming out of Verona High School(same high school as former Notre Dame tight end and current Miami Dolphin Anthony Fasano) in New Jersey.

Calabrese looks like a freak of nature and if I had to compare him to someone coming out of high school I would say he reminds me a lot of Takeo Spikes. He just seems like he knows where the football is going to go and quickly beats the opponent to the spot and then...well, he simply crushes them. Calabrese will become an instant fan favorite in South Bend with the way he plays the game and the emotion and heart he leaves out on the football field every Saturday. He is by far my favorite recruit in this class because of the energy he brings to the field and should be an excellent recruiter for the 2009 class which can reach the high teens in numbers.

Here are some highlights of Calabrese absolutely destroying the opposition while foaming at the mouth...

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Braves completed the 4 game sweep of the pathetic New York Mets yesterday behind an exceptional pitching performance by Tim Hudson and some timely hitting by Met-killer Larry Jones. The crowd was electric last night with the brooms out in full force as the Braves mounted a comeback against lefty ace Johan Santana by scoring 3 runs in the 7th thanks to a RBI single by Chipper to take the lead with runners on first and third.

"You live for that moment." "It was awesome; we played great," said Jones, who went 2-for-4 to raise his major league-leading average from .410 to .412. "When we look back at the end of the season ... most fun we had all year on the field. Just great.""

I might have been wrong about the Braves this season. I didn't think they could compete in a division with the Phillies and the Mets with their pitching but starters Tom Glavine and especially Jair Jurrjens have both been pleasant surprises. The Braves are now a NL best 20-5 at home but still have the major leagues worst road record at 6-16. The bullpen has a lot of question marks too but the lineup is really coming together with Mark Teixeria, Kelly Johnson and Brian McCann all heating up as the Ted gets hotter in late May. The Diamondbacks come in for a 3 game series starting today in what should be a good barometer of this Braves team in that the D'Backs are clearly a better team than the Mets.

-Speaking of the D'Backs, they come to Atlanta after being sweeped in a 3 game series by the Florida Marlins. Young lefty Andrew Miller(acquired in the Cabrera trade) shut out the D'Backs for seven innings while striking out 9 batters to improve the Marlins record to a NL East best 27-19. With a $22 million payroll and a roster full of young guys it would be hard to imagine this Marlins squad playing this well so far into the season. The Marlins are playing great baseball and didn't even commit an error during the 3 game sweep.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 8th in a row with a 3-1 victory over the slumping Cleveland Indians. The Indians can't hit worth a shit and are last in the Majors in batting average and runs scored.

-What are the Reds waiting for in Jay Bruce? The Major League's top overall prospect, Bruce is tearing it up in the minors with a .369 batting average with 24 extra base hits. The Reds suck balls right now so why not call him up? Maybe Dusty Baker has plans of blowing out Cueto and Volquez's arms before calling up Bruce.

-I'm going to say it once and that is it: Instant replay is stupid in baseball.

NBA
-Down go the Celtics on their home court. The Pistons tied the series last night handing the Celtics their first home loss in the playoffs. The NBA's nightmare scenario could come to fruition if the Spurs beat the Lakers tonight on their home court. Of course David Stern won't let this happen just like he wouldn't let the Bulls not get the #1 pick in the draft.

NHL
-Nothing remotely fucking interesting happened yesterday other than one more painful day till the Stanley Cup Finals begin.

NFL
-Teammates are already taunting Matt Ryan. Only a matter of time before he goes into Ryan Leaf meltdown mode playing behind a questionable offensive line.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Some big recruiting news for both Notre Dame and Georgia Tech. I will have more on this later as the Fighting Irish land a punishing linebacker and the Yellow Jackets get a verbal from an option QB.

HUDSON VS. SANTANA TONIGHT

I'm out of here people for tonight..off to go see Tim Hudson try to complete the four game sweep of the New York Mets against Johan Santana. And don't worry, I will be drunk with plenty of handrails to slide down. I will update you guys tomorrow. Happy Thursday before Memorial Day weekend mother effers!

STANLEY CUP TROPHY MONTAGE

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

I got the good fortune this past January to attend the NHL Player's Party during the All-Star game weekend here in Atlanta and personally see the Stanley Cup up close. Something is magical about it. Granted I had a few drinks in me but I still got a case of the goosebumps as soon as I saw it. I couldn't help but stare at it in amazement like I was 12 years old all over again after I ordered the Spice Channel so me and my buds could watch it. It is by far the best trophy in all of sports and easily the most recognized throughout the world. Lord Stanley Cup is a representation of the blood, sweat and tears every NHL player battles through their whole life just to get a chance to raise it. This Saturday the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins will battle for the right to hoist it. I will be watching but I wonder if you will? Be so kind and participate in the poll on the right sidebar of this page.

Prediction: Penguins take it in 6.

C.C. SABATHIA BLOWS ONE OUT

Nothing wrong with Big C.C. busting out a cheek rippler in front of his teammates in the dugout. Maybe this explains why the Indians and Sabathia have been so down right stinky this season. Jim Leyland approves of this message by blowing farts out of his trachea in case you were wondering.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE GREATEST SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COVER EVER?

I'm not even a comic book fan but I really love this new cover of Sports Illustrated. Of course I'm not ready to jump on the bandwagon of pundits who believe the New York Yankees are done. A baseball season is not a sprint but a marathon. A really long fucking marathon that consists of a 162 games. While I will be the first to admit I love seeing the Yankees get their asses handed to them night in and night out I also believe this team has way too much talent to just throw in the towel a quarter of the season into it. The Yankees starting pitching has been bad lately and it will be interesting to see how Joba Chamberlain pitches going into the 4th and 5th innings when he could be gassed.

I'm also not sure if Tampa Bay can keep up with their current performance. They might have a lot of young talent but they also have holes. They don't score a lot of runs and their starting pitching is still really young with guys who are unproven. I will be rooting for them every time they play with the exception of their match ups with the Orioles but I can see them fading over the long haul of the season. I hope I'm wrong because I like watching the Rays play baseball. I would kill to have either one of a Carl Crawford, BJ Upton, or Evan Longoria in my starting lineup. But let's be realistic for once on this site and see that the Rays will only go so far as their starting pitching and bullpen leads them. With Troy Percival as the closer I wouldn't be laying too many prop bets on them reaching the playoffs this year. Next year they could be one of the best teams in the majors especially if they hit a homerun with their #1 pick in the MLB draft, say picking up catcher Buster Posey who could reach the big league team fast as a catcher.

But I got to give kudos out to SI for the cover. I'm sure a lot of comic book nerds will be swooping in Barnes and Nobles throughout the country and buying it and sealing it within their acid free room.

ALBERT PUJOLS TAKES OUT PITCHER AND CATCHER

Apparently Pujols isn't a Padres fan. In the span of one inning he takes out pitcher Chris Young with a line drive straight to the nose and then absolutely destroys catcher Josh Bard's ankle with a clean slide at home.

But hey, at least he gave a little prayer for both of them. A prayer to poop on them.

HT: WithLeather via FanIQ

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Brandon Webb failed to pick up his 10th win in his first 10 starts by losing to the Florida Marlins 3-1 on Wednesday night. He was bidding to become only the 3rd pitcher since World War I to win his first 10 starts and I'm sure he soured his throat with random Miami trix to get over the whole ordeal of putting a loss on his record. The Marlins won their second straight against the D Backs despite sitting Hanley Ramirez out because of a recent 1-15 slump. Yeah, the $70 million must be getting to him.

-Talk about ruining the feeling of a great Braves win over the Mets, some fan died last night after falling 150 feet from the upper deck. Apparently the 25 year old Cumming man was drunk. Shocker. On to brighter things, the Braves go for the 4 game sweep today as Tim Hudson squares off against Johan Santana. In what should be a great pitching duel, look for Willie Randolph to be stoic and claim racism whenever his team loses. I'm still trying to confirm if Randolph and Ty Willingham are long lost brothers.

-Eric Gagne was sent back to Milwaukee to exam his all-out shithole pitching shoulder that has been ravaged for years by not doing any more steroids. One of the worst off-season signings in recent memory(Andruw Jones begs to differ) the Brewers are getting exactly what everyone knew they were getting in Gagne: crap. Red Sox fans laugh in amusement.

-The New York Yankees stormed back and destroyed my beloved Orioles last night 8-0. Darrell Rasner won his 3rd game since being called up and A-Hole hit another homerun since coming off the disabled list. And oh yeah, Joba Chamberlain is getting put into the starting rotation finally to the sweaty laughter of Hank Steinbrenner.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 7th in a row thanks to Jermaine Dye's 2 HR performance. The White Sox are now in first place while the Cleveland Indians continue to struggle putting runs on the board.

-The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Red yesterday behind a brilliant 8 inning pitching performance by some Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda. Loyal reader Mike Martin continues to plot Dusty Baker's mysterious disappearance.

NBA
-The asshole Los Angeles Lakers came back from a 20 point deficit in the third quarter to beat the San Antonio Spurs 89-85. Maybe calling them a-holes is a little harsh but I got $40 riding on the Spurs in this series with my buddy Blick who is a huge Lakers fan. Kobe Bryant only scored 3 points in the first half but then absolutely raped the Spurs in the second half with 24 points. And by raped I meant he held down Manu and his flopping ways and gave him the business. Tim Duncan looked impressive in the lost with his Scottie Pippen kisses off the board but even he couldn't stop the Bryant rape in the second half.


NFL
-Jason Taylor has informed head coach Tony Sporano he won't be attending any more camps because...fuck...he has gone all Hollywood on them. Dancing with the Stars has changed his life and if Bill Parcells can't take it like a man or a woman then they just need to go ahead and trade him. Taylor needs to man the fuck up and get back to what he does best...dancing of course.


-Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is getting married this weekend to former Redskin cheerleader Christy. Why should you care? Only because Cooley might be the coolest, straight up mofo in the NFL. He has his own blog in which he is about as frank and honest as possible including talking about getting drunk with his future father-in-law by trying to out drink him and stating he might sit Redskin's owner Daniel Snyder next to one his drunk uncles because he honestly doesn't care. He also has a "man room" in which he can smoke cigars, swig whiskey, and play poker without the old lady bothering him. Plus his future wife is not on the ugly side. Hell, I'm not going to lie, after reading his blog I'm now a huge Cooley fan and I was raised to hate the Redskins. Oh yeah, his old lady pictured on the right should make a lot of people jealous of Cool Cat Cooley. HT goes to WithLeather for bringing this to my attention.

NHL
-Good lord, Jeremy Roenick and Jaromir Jagr still play in the NHL. Roenick resigned with the Sharks for 2008 in what will now be his 21st season. If you played NHL Hockey 1993 edition on Sega Genesis you remember how good Roenick was with the puck around the net. He was fucking automatic as was Steve Larmer on his Chicago Blackhawks team that edition.

The New York Post is reporting that the Rangers are in discussion with Jagr about an extension. Jagr still has game as he led the Rangers with 15 playoff points and 71 regular season point this year. There has been talk about him retiring or even playing in Russia after just finishing out his $78 million dollar contract he signed back in 2001.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-You know how I know that USC is gay?

Because their stinking band plays on American Idol...

Video HT: EDSBS

DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY

I'm sitting here in my living room mast...er...um...watching the UEFA Championship between Manchester United and Chelsea and I figured I would share a picture of my honeymoon from Europe. As you can see in the picture above which was taken in Heidelberg, Germany in a castle still intact after being bombed by the French in the late 1700's is the fact that the Germans really love their booze. Behind me is a giant wooden keg that holds up to 55,000 gallons of booze. As you can see I was wearing my Drink Like A Champion shirt because everyday in Germany they drink like it's their last. Apparently Europe has rubbed it's mayonnaise hands all over my body and soul because now I am sitting here watching a soccer match in penalty kicks and I am completely enthralled in two teams from England competing for a championship I could have cared less about less than 3 weeks ago.

Game over. Manchester United just won on penalty kicks in the driving rain in Moscow. Ronaldo can now lick some balls with his gay ass European haircut. Apparently the mullet has come back in fashion in Europe as all the cool kids are wearing it while spiking their hair up in the front like it's mohawk. Not this square American asshole!

Ahhh...I feel so much better now.

POINTLESS POST OF THE DAY

I know most of them are pointless but I just felt the need to post this old sketch from Mr. Show. It's probably not safe for work but we could care less because little on this website is safe for work. And if your boss has a problem with SportsCrack well you can tell him to suck a fart out of my ass. But say it politely after you take two weeks paid vacation...

HUNTER PENCE'S GIRLFRIEND

Major kudos goes out to PinkMeatCompany.com
for unveiling these pictures of Terri B who just happens to be the girlfriend of Houston Astros center fielder Hunter Pence. See these are the perks of being a major league baseball player. It's not so much the money or the fame or the cars or the houses. It's the spectacular poon you can pull even if you are not the greatest looking thing in the world. Terri is apparently a part-time model/bartender/none of us give a shit just show us more pictures. Okay, here you go...

I'm sure Hunter uses her bikinis to floss his teeth.

Bless her, she is too poor to even buy clothes. Hunter has surely helped her affliction.

PinkMeatCompany is now my new favorite name for a website. Simply brilliant!

Thanks to TheBigLead for the referral.

JIM LEYLAND DOESN'T GIVE A F@#*

I love it when players and coaches tell it like it is. Jim Leyland, manager of the last place Detroit Tigers even though they were suppose to contend in many people's minds as the best team in the Majors this season with the Red Sox, goes off on the report that former Tigers player Jason Grilli says the Detroit team lost something once Sean Casey was gone.

The only thing that makes me Leyland mad is when somebody takes my last beer out of MY fridge and then doesn't confess to it. Sure, I might strangle you if you confess but it's better than when I blackout and wake up in a pool full of somebody else's blood.

Video HT: Deadspin via TheWorldOfIsaac

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Mike Piazza retires. America's favorite, or shall I say New Yorkers favorite poster boy for all things allegedly gay, ballplayer is now officially retired after sitting on his ass for the past 6 weeks of the 2008 season. A sure-fire first ballot Hall-of-Famer, Piazza finished his career with 427 dingers in which 397 of them were from the catcher position(MLB record). And by catcher I mean bent over with a ball gag in his mouth. And by dingers I mean dongs. I'm sorry, but he was a Met and he is going to go down in history as the guy who Rocket had one of his steroid induced rages at during some bullshit World Series that nobody outside of New York and New Jersey watched.

-Speaking of the Mets, how about that ass kicking doubleheader sweep they suffered from the Atlanta Braves yesterday? A thing of beauty in my book, the Braves used two good starting pitching performances by veteran Tom Glavine and new comer Jorge Campillo to quiet the Met's bats. Chipper aka Larry Jones continues to use the Mets as his personal beat off sock by collecting 3 more hits and raising his average to .408 which is slightly under the rate of strange vagina he hits on during road trips.

-The O's crushed and knocked out former Oriole Mike Mussina and his Yankees comrades by scoring a 7 spot in the first inning thanks to Gold Glover Derek Jeter...oh shit, how in the hell has he won a Gold Glove again? Well, anyways he committed a costly throwing error to keep the inning going with two outs in the first and for doing so got hit in his glove hand by a 96 MPH fastball from Daniel Cabrera in his second at-bat. This of course pissed off the Yankees because they love Jeter's mangina so much they throw at the forgettable Luke Scott's head thus causing the benches and bullpens to clear. No punches thrown, one player ejected, countless Yankees fans left with their gashes torn and broken. Youngster Adam Jones(not the Pacman guy) collected 4 hits and 4 RBI's while George Sherrill still leads the Major Leagues in saves. Yeah, that Erik Bedard trade is looking pretty sweet right now.

-What in the hell has Dan Uggla been eating? I know Cuban sandwiches are good but I didn't realize they could make you stroke the ball so well.Uggs hit his 11th homer of the month in helping the Marlins defeat another division leading team in first place Arizona Diamondbacks 3-2. Uggla now has 14 roundtrippers and the Marlins have now been in first place since the season started. The crowd of just over 10,000 in south Florida doesn't seem to care too much. Pathetic.

-Jonathan Mayo of MLB.com has his draft projections up. I have my fingers crossed Tim Beckham or Pedro Alvarez slip through the cracks to the Orioles at the #4 spot.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons on their home court, I know, shocker there, to take the 1st game of the Eastern Conference Finals. I of course watched about 10 minutes of the game because Eastern Basketball bores the shit out of me. The real fun starts tonight as the Spurs travel to LA to take on the Lakers.

-Somehow, someway, the Bulls won the NBA lottery last night thus getting the chance to draft either Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. Let me be one of the countless of others to say it: The Draft Lottery System is fucking stupid. The Bulls had a 1.7% chance of winning it and yet they did. Can you say rigged? The worst team should get the first pick and not the 9th worst team as the Bulls were this past season. Who would you take with the first pick? Beasley looks like another Elton Brand but Derrick Rose looks like he could be another Chris Paul. I would take Beasley because the Bulls already have a point in Kirk Hinrich but it would be damn hard to pass on a Rose.

NFL
-The NFL owners opted out of the labor deal for 2010 and one of the main reasons was because of doggy killer Michael Vick. See, the Falcons only recouped 3 million back on a 20 million dollar bonus they gave to Vick when he signed his contract despite now being in jail. I say fuck the owners and guys like Arthur Blank. You were stupid enough to give him all that money and then you learn your lesson by giving Matt Ryan the biggest bonus ever. Fuck the rich owners. The players when they walk away, if they can, will never be the same. The owners just get fatter and screw more dead hookers than the USC football team. I'm on the player's side on this one.

-The St. Louis Rams might be moving back to LA. I know it's kind of old news but why would they want to move out of St. Louis? They won a Super Bowl there and the fan support is pretty decent from what I can tell. LA could care less about an NFL team plus they already have one in South Central.

NHL
-Jesus Christ! The Stanley Cup Finals don't start till Saturday! I guess we can spend a week talking about a matchup that the NHL loves. I'm pulling for the Penguins and Marian Hossa.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Just get here already. Please. And give me a playoff. Now.

A WONDERFUL NEW DRUG

MATT RYAN SIGNS HUGE DEAL WITH FALCONS

Well, it's now official. Matt Ryan is one of the highest paid NFL Quarterbacks in the game now after agreeing to a six year, $72 million contract that includes $34.75 million in guarantees. And by guarantees, I mean shit like this happening at the Georgia Dome for the next 5 years till he is released...

A lot of quarterbacks throw 19 interceptions their senior season and then get rewarded with a huge signing bonus by a team which has no clue how to compete in the NFL. Actually, no, Matt Ryan is the only one. Good luck dealing with the pressure and make sure you keep your food down...

Yeah, what a winner in the Cade McNown way.

RUNNING OF THE TOILETS AT PREAKNESS

The last time I attended Preakness was in 2001 and I can honestly say I don't remember this ritual of running on top of the shitters. More than likely I was way too drunk to remember a lot of shit happening in the infield but I can remember seeing a guy break his nose by receiving a punch from a topless lady. It was one of the most remarkable things I have ever witnessed. Jon Lester couldn't hold a candle to this broad who with one punch and two big boobs made a lasting impression that will surely go on my gravestone.

Preakness isn't just a horse race people. It's a rite of passage. And some people, like the idiot above who surely broke his neck in the fall must die so we can live another day and give us mere mortals more water cooler talk. He did not die in vain or stupidity because he will now live in eternity with this video. God bless all the drunk idiots.

CALIFORNIA GAY MARRIAGE PSA

Yes, Thank You Cali-for-nia. Now I know Ellen can live happily ever after without losing constant hours of sleep. And it's great to know gays will now have to take off their rings for the fuckfest.

CANCER BOY THROWS NO-HITTER

Okay, maybe calling Jon Lester a cancer boy is a little harsh considering he is fully recovered from lymphoma. But what he did last night against the Kansas City Royals, who at last time I checked are an average team unlike the shitty Tigers, was remarkable even if he pitches for that Masshole team up there in Chowderland. Lester, fully recovered after chemotherapy cured him less than two years ago, pitched the majors first no-hitter of the season last night while striking out Alberto Callaspo to end the game for the second consecutive Red Sux no-hitter(Clay Buchholz pitched one late last season against some team, I don't know I can't really remember). Amazingly this is only the second time ever the Royals have been held hitless, with Nolan Ryan doing the honors all the way back in 1973.

But the real story is about Lester and how he can inspire all those little bandwagon Red Sox fans out there to go get cancer by smoking two packs a day and then kick it in the ass by throwing 96 MPH fastballs past major league hitters. Shit, if Lester can do it why can't Ricky, Bobby, Mikey, Joey, and Willy from Rhode Island go out there and do the same thing. Lester had this to say about coming back...

"It was a long road back," Lester said. "It was tough mentally and tough physically to go out and pitch every five days. It was a long road. I'm just glad that I'm here at this moment right now, and in five days I'll go and pitch again."

I know it's the Red Sox and all but I love stories like this. So many of us have been affected by cancer it is nearly impossible not to root for a guy like Lester. I tip my hat to him and say congratulations. Now go blow out that arm of yours to make the Red Sox regret not trading you for Johan Santana.

By the way, how about Jason Varitek catching his 4th no-hitter? I'm sure Mariner fans still love the fact they traded Tek for Heathcliff Slocumb.

Here is the final out along with a great F bomb thrown in there by one of his teammates. Yes, no-hitters are unfucking believable....
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing