Umm, yeah, let's not do that again, okay NBA? My dogs barked, not because they saw a half black man, shit who wouldn't bark at that, but because they were so petrified to see old balls Magic Johnson and Larry Bird talking to them. Oh I get it, they are still playing basketball and this is relative to the 2008 NBA Finals.
Hmm, maybe not.
But seriously, my dogs are scared.
Pull this shit before they pee inside.
Damn...too late.
Holy boner Batman! It looks like director Chris Nolan did what only he could do and give me a solid chub just by watching a preview of the new Batman flick. The Dark Knight looks simply amazing and I am not afraid to confess my love for it especially after learning this will be on IMAX this summer....
And yes, I know this has nothing to do with sports but you don't find great previews like this every day.
Not surprising after seeing him drive at Berkeley with those fucking hippies on his back...
In all seriousness as we are usually not here at Sportscrack, Lynch supposedly hit some lady crossing a street with his Porsche Cayenne in suburban Buffalo on Saturday and then left the scene. Most people call it a hit-and-run but Marshawn was too high or drunk at the time to care so I would just call it happy time. No need to come down on a man when he is having his fun. By the way when did women get the right to cross the road anyways without getting permission from a man? I really don't even know what this world is coming to, next thing you are going to tell me is they have the right to vote.
HT: WithLeather
The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
NBA
-Paul Pierce either took a magical healing pill or was pulling a Kaiser Soze but whatever, it doesn't matter in the scheme of things as he helped the Celtics beat the Lakers in The Garden to take a 1-0 series lead. Kobe Bryant must have heard the "No means No" chants because clearly his game was off all night, finishing a 9 for 26 from the field. If the Lakers are going to win this series which I thought they would they can't afford to have off nights from Kobe.
Kevin Garnett put an exclamation point down late in the fourth quarter with this rim shaker...
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing
MLB
-Chipper Jones hit his 400th career bomb 
and received a curtain call with the chants of "Chipper, Chipper" last night as the Braves came from behind to beat the Florida Marlins 7-5. Now batting a ridiculous .418, Chipper is making a serious case to be considered as one of the top 3B of all-time with Brooksie, Schmidty, and George Brett. The Braves will welcome in the Phillies tonight in very important 3 game series which will help decide who is the best team in the National League East.
-Manny Ramirez had 5 RBI's and a scuffle with teammate Kevin Youkilis in the dugout, but the real story was the bench clearing brawl. Started by Coco Crisp who for some reason decided to charge the mound on Tampa Bay pitcher James Shields who is obviously a bigger, stronger, and overall way better fighter than Coco. Just kidding, baseball players can't fight worth a shit, it's not in their DNA to land punches. Crisp got his ass kicked in the dog pile and will face at least a 4 game suspension along with Johnny Gomes from the Rays but hey, at least the Red Sox won right? Here is the fight in case you wanted to see punches not being landed...
Video HT: Barstool Sports
I'm still trying to figure out why Manny and Youk got in a fight in the dugout. Manny must have stolen some of Youk's diggity dank but I have yet to get a solid confirmation or source.
-Cole Hamels shut out the Reds on a 3 hitter as the Phillies won for the 9th time in 11 games. Jay Bruce was held without a hit for the second consecutive game and Ken Griffey Jr. still remains at 599 career homeruns as the Reds continue to not win, a running theme for them the past decade or so.
NHL
-The ratings for the Stanley Cup Finals were up to pre-lockout numbers as the NHL can finally rejoice because Americans show they actually do care about hockey. I'm not going to beat around the bush, the NHL is my favorite sport besides college football to watch in person. But watching it on television is difficult at times because the puck moves so fast and the NHL gets no pub from ESPN because they dropped them after the lockout. Hopefully for the sake of the game this gets the ball moving in the right direction and ESPN picks the NHL back up. I don't want to watch the fucking Spelling Bee or hear about the WNBA or care about Arena League Football. Give me some damn hockey ESPN!
NFL
-D-Mac got paid big time with a 6 year, $60 million dollar contract from the Oakland Raiders. With the money he will now be able to feed all of his kids whom he thinks might be his kids when in fact he should just severe ties with the whole state of Arkansas. Don't let Arkansas bring you down D-Mac like they did for Bill Clinton.
-Some convicted steroid dealer named David Jacobs who gave up the names to a ton of NFL players to the NFL commissioner's office was found dead from gunshots yesterday in his Plano, Texas home. The moral of the story is never snitch or you will probably die kids. Now go have fun on those monkey bars in prison.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Do you smell what the Irish are cooking? Notre Dame picked up two big commitments in LB Dan Fox and OG Alex Bullard. More on this later as I wipe my mouth after going down on Charlie Weis for some how getting top notch recruits coming off a 3-9 season.
And yes, as Tim Beckham's facebook picture above clearly or kind of unclearly shows, the kid is going to get paid big-time. A five-tool shortstop out of Griffin HS in Georgia, Beckham has been compared to the Upton brothers but with the ability to stay at shortstop for the long term. My hope was the Rays would take Florida State catcher Buster Posey with the #1 pick but Posey's camp supposedly demanded a $12 million dollar signing bonus which is absolutely crazy. Of course the Rays were turned off especially when a high baseball draft pick has as much if not better chance of being a complete bust. The reason I wanted the Rays not to take Beckham was because I had my fingers crossed he would last till the Orioles picked 4th because the O's need middle infield prospects in their system badly.
All this is moot and the Rays just picked up another excellent player in Beckham in what should be an extremely bright future for the organization with all the young talent currently playing on the big league level and tons waiting in the wings in the minors including last year's #1 pick in David Price. By the way Price has yet to give up a run so far in 3 starts in the minors.
The Red Wings closed out the Penguins last night despite a frantic final two minutes in which Pittsburgh gave the better team all it had. Clearly this year the Red Wings were the best team in the NHL so congratulations go out to their organization for winning their 11th Stanley Cup. Don't feel bad for the Penguins. They are really young and talented and more than likely could be hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup next year if they resign Marian Hossa. When you have players like Crosby, Malkin, Staal, and Fleury just to name a few you will get so sympathy from this Thrashers fan.
So what would you do with the Cup say if you had it for a day like Conn Smythe MVP Henrik Zetterberg? Personally I would drink some kind of booze out of it then probably dress it up in some sexy lingerie and make love to it then videotape it and sell it to the world and make millions of dollars. Sounds a lot like Jessica Simpson's dad right?
Here is the presentation folks of the greatest team trophy in all of sports...
And thank you goes out to the NHL and NBC for letting us bloggers put highlights of the final two minutes on the web without fear of them yanking because of some bullshit copyright issue. MLB and NFL won't let you even sniff their panties without yelling rape.
Does this shirt really need any explanation? If you have ever run into an orange, checker wearing toolbag who happens to be cross eyed then you know what it's like to play behind center during Saturdays in the fall in Knoxville. Show your distaste for this SEC rival by purchasing this one of a kind Sportscrack shirt by clicking here.
This is the third new shirt we have introduced this week with two more new editions coming up. Be sure to check back on our store page for great shirts at great prices.
My Bellsouth Internet service has been taking a 6 hour break, otherwise known as a stoner's break. Fortunately nobody has died yet but if they don't fix it soon it could get ugly, I'm talking Matamoros bike crash ugly.
Right now I'm just feeling a little ticked off but I'm about to go Boondock Saints style on this service...
You know how I know you're gay, you wear a Superman outfit or a McLovin shirt with some John Stockton shorts to Busch Stadium...
Video HT: Deadspin
Sticking with our plan to release a new shirt per day this week we are proud to introduce the TARHOLES shirt. This shirt is perfect for any gameday, tailgate, party, bar, fraternity or sorority, family gathering, gag gift...hell, the possibilities are endless. You will get an endless amount of laughs wearing this shirt as you show Chapel Hill and the UNC crew what you think about their precious Carolina blue.
Chances are you will get laid with it on too. The force is strong with this shirt and it is bound to create conversations that will eventually lead to you getting a promotion on the way to ruling the world while getting chuckles from friends and strangers.
I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to the Notre Dame-UNC Tarholes football game in Chapel Hill this upcoming fall and I can guarantee you I will be wearing it while tailgating and visiting their bookstore.
You can purchase the shirt by clicking on this link. The shirt is $17 but the response it will receive upon viewing is priceless. Go ahead and show your true colors with this Tarholes shirt straight from Sportscrack.com.
Clearly one of the best linebackers in the NFL is not on steroids because he is making an appearance on the WWE and none of those guys juice. Fast forward to the 3:40 mark to see the San Diego Chargers linebacker cane one of the wrestlers...
Now that is clearly some good family entertainment.
Video HT: FanIQ
The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
NHL
-Don't ask me why but somehow the Pittsburgh Penguins got their asses dominated last night yet still won in triple overtime against the Detroit Red Wings to force a game 6 and send the crowd into a raging riot. Okay the riot never happened and the reason why the Penguins won was because goaltender Marc Andre Fleury had solid velcro in his glove last night. 55 saves the young goaltender turned in last night while Detroit punished and battered the Penguins all night yet still lost the game. The Detroit fans were chanting "We want the Cup!" but Fleury and Petr Sykora whom scored the winning goal decided they would have to settle for the 2 Girls 1 Cup version later on...
MLB
-Chase Utley hit his 21st homerun as the Phillies held off the Reds 5-4 despite Jay Bruce Almighty connecting for his 3rd homerun. Utley now has a homer in 5 straight games and is looking like the early favorite to extend the Phillies streak of MVP awards to 3.
-John Smoltz returned from the DL to blow a save in the ninth against the Marlins but SS Yunel Escobar saved Smoltzie's ass by hitting a walk-off 2 run shot in the botton of the tenth. The Braves so far this season are Superman at home despite playing like little bitches on the road. That was a direct quote from Tim Hudson by the way.
-Carlos crazy fucker Zambrano won his 8th game of the season despite giving up 3 runs in the first because he let his bat do the talking. The crazy asshole had a triple along with 2 other hits and Jim Edmonds collected a couple of doubles and RBI's. I guess old man Edmonds still has it in him.
-David Ortiz was put on the DL with a partially torn sheath in his left wrist. I have no idea what a sheath is but it is probably connected to his Oger vaginal wall which doesn't allow him to fellate and probe Manny Ramirez as he wishes. I'm conflicted by this injury because I really like Big Papi but I hate all things Red Sox but I also have money on the Sox winning the World Series this year. Not to going to lie, money wins out on this one. I hope he comes back healthy.
NBA
-The Finals start in 2 days between 2 teams I have never heard of so we got that going. Oh, the Pistons fired Flip Saunders because of his horrible regular season record of 176-70 with the Pistons and his inability to spoon feed that dipshit with the white circle on top of his head. If you ask me they should have got rid of Rasheed Wallace and not Saunders. Wallace needs a pacifier to quit his crying and his great timing of technicals which screw the Pistons at the most opportune time.
NFL
-The Denver Broncos released super potent sperm producer Travis Henry so he could embark on his life long dream of sperminating women across the entire 50 states during his playing career. The Broncos questioned his commitment to them while impregnating random women across the nation.
-Terrell Owens signed a contract with the Dallas Cowboys that makes him one of the richest wideouts in the league. The new contract should allow Owen's to pursue his dreams of sit ups in his driveway while fashioning a new set of skin tight body suits to be used during contract negotiations called "Le Baby Owens."
-In the redundancy department Odell Thurman got caught again in violation of the league's substance abuse program and will more than likely never play in the NFL again until the Cowboys or Raiders sign him. He faces an "indefinite suspension" which translates to at least a quarter of the season in NFL terms.
If you ever seem to wonder why I have a general dislike, or shall I say hate for pretty much every single human being who supports the Red Sox and the Yankees, well then watch these videos.
Anybody this chipper and annoying should just be killed or persecuted like the Tibetans...Wo Led Rox!...
Hmm, how about converting her to death by throwing her off the damn wall. I've heard she is the reigning Miss Red Sox winner because she can actually see her belly button and has a full, lice infested set of hair on top of her annoying head. This is very rare to find in Red Sox Nation.
It seems that even the cops in New York just love to break up any possible drunken doucheness debauchery going on at Yankee Stadium by of course ripping off a visiting team's fan hat and throwing it into the crowd. Although it was a Red Sox fan so I can't half blame the officer...
The fan was later torn to pieces and buried under the new Yankee Stadium as a barbaric art of sacrifice for the Johnny Damon curse.
And of course the Red Sox fans had to let Baltimore know this weekend how much they love Manny being Manny after hitting his 500th homerun by doing drunk flips off the dugout at Camden Yards. God, I really hate these Massholes. Win a couple of World Series in 88 years and all of a sudden you think you are God's gift to baseball...
I could seriously kill them all. Literally and not figuratively in case you were wondering.
Videos via Busted Coverage and Deadspin
When you hit a walk-off homerun and manage to hit above .500 in your first week in the Show while helping the Cincinnati Reds win 5 of 6 then you deserve some recognition. Jay Bruce is the Almighty and so we have decided to make a shirt to honor the young rookie out of Texas who is living up to his incredible hype of being the top rated prospect in the minors.
If you are a Reds or Bruce fan this is the perfect t-shirt to you!
The shirt is available now for $17 at BRUCE ALMIGHTY SHIRT and as always a portion of all our shirts sales goes to the American Cancer Society.
And oh yeah, you know you have made it big when Ryan Parker has made a song for you already...
Manu Ginobli, otherwise known as the bald Pinocchio puppet cost the Spurs the series and The Machine knows it.
Fucking loudmouth chowderheads go down quickly when drunk. Hopefully this becomes a time honored tradition where some douchebag Red Sox wannabe fan get leveled by security as soon as they say "Wicked" or "Pissah" or whatever retard language they use while pawking their caw.
Video HT: WithLeather via Big League Stew
I know, like all the men out there who decided to stop using their penis a long time ago I am soooo super excited about Sex and the City coming out. Seriously, if you go to this movie and have a functional penis please just kill yourself because I already hate you.
And yes, I would soooo be Samantha because I love to have angry sex with men half my age.
The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
MLB
-Larry Jones Jr.
is now hitting .420 but says it's a shame he has to hit so high in order to get All-Star recognition...
"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones said. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."
If you love beer, wings, rock n rock then I have the perfect festival for you this weekend in Marietta, GA. It's called the River Wing N' Rock Fest sponsored by Gas South and it's at the Marietta Square and it's completely FREE. Expect plenty of babes, brews, sun, killer music, great chicken wings from the finest Atlanta restaurants and of course the finest Sportscrack and Drink Like A Champion Today shirts at the huge Festival.
Yes, we will be representing ourselves at this wonderful festival.
Feel free to get drunk and fat with us this Saturday, May 31st or spread the word as we kick off the summer with a bang at the 3rd Annual Wing N' Rock Festival at Marietta Square.
And just to make this completely clear it is a FREE event and there will be plenty of cold beer with great wings. If you don't come you might as well hand your panties to your significant other because there really is no reason for you to walk this planet.
SI writer Albert Chen has an excellent article detailing the struggles Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has gone through in his past with drugs and alcohol to reach the Triple Crown threat he is presently in the major leagues. I've said it before but after you learn the whole story behind Hamilton and his constant battle to stay sober and clean it is nearly impossible not to root for the kid. He can rake with the best of them and it's great to see someone else in the Majors beat crack other than Otis Nixon. Sorry, I had to get that little jab in there on my man Otis. Read the story if you get the chance and if the Texas Rangers ever visit a park near you make sure you buy a ticket just to watch Hamilton take batting practice and interact with the fans. Everyone should have a soft spot for a guy trying to redeem himself.
