CHRIS COOLEY VS. WASPS AND YELLOW JACKETS

It's good to see Washington Redskin's tight end Chris Cooley has one of the same issues I have had in the past: how in the fuck do you kill those pesky yellow jackets and wasps? They are everywhere during the summer and are the most annoying thing other than a Mexican driving 35 mph on the highway. So how do you kill them? Apparently a cowboy hat, a video camera, two cans of bug spray, and constant persistence for the hive...



It's just a matter of time before PETA sends the Cooley's a mean letter.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR TUESDAY

Ever since I got back from Vegas I've had about zero time to actually sit and relax but honestly who gives a shit, I would rather be busy. The only thing that bothers me is I have had absolutely no time to sit and write some blogs. I've been too busy going back and forth, shipping out t-shirts (big stinky pinkies to all of you out there) in mass quantities to as far away as Australia. We got more shirts coming out as we have been inundated with constant requests for new ones. We even got some requests for some pro-Michigan and pro-USC shirts. Well being a Notre Dame and SEC fan I got 2 words for all y'all Wolverines and Trojans blowhards. It's basically what my bank card told me in Vegas when I tried to withdrawal 2K for some roulette...

STILL HURTIN FROM VEGAS, BUT THIS MADE ME LAUGH

Old Frenchy hitting into an unassisted triple play to end the game. That is something you don't see everyday. You know what else you don't see: dead hookers. Nope, I didn't see any in Vegas. Swear to God.

Video HT: WithLeather

VIVA LAS VEGAS!

I am off to Las Vegas for a little coming of passage called the bachelor party. Things will get rough, lives will be changed, and babies will be affected. After much consideration and insight from the Sportscrack nation I have decided to go with Charleston Southern and the +73 points against Florida. I'm putting Carlos' college fund on it so you jackoffs better have it right...



I will see all of you on Monday. Hopefully. Any good lawyers out there?

GOING TO VEGAS TOMORROW, SHOULD I BET ON THE GATORS TO COVER A HUGE SPREAD?

Tomorrow I am boarding a plane for Vegas for my buddy Chuck's bachelor party and was thinking about throwing down some bets on the opening weekend of college football. One line stood out to me from week 1. The Florida Gators are 73 point favorites over Charleston Southern according to USA Today's Danny Sheridan. Ten touchdowns and a fucking field goal favorites are the defending champion Gators! I know these teams are two total mismatches but you don't think the Gators will be running up the score this early being #1 preseason do you?

I need the help of the Sportscrack Nation. Do I bet on Florida not covering the -73 or shall I say fuck it, the Gators are going to dismantle them and win by at least 80? Leave your comments below.

WELCOME BACK BRITNEY SPEARS

Y'ALL, Britney Spears made an appearance on Late Show with David Letterman doing the "Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears were President" and I must say, it looks like she is back in a good way...


I give her two more years of solid clean living till she makes her way back to dysfunctional crazy Mom and accepts a spot on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab. Speaking of Celebrity Rehab have you seen their cast of characters for the new season? Not trying to sound gay or anything but this season should be very entertaining with Mindy McCready (aka Roger Clemens mistress talking about his shrunken mansack), NBA great Dennis Rodman, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss, actor Tom Sizemore, bassist Mike Starr from Alice in Chains (one of the more underrated bands of all-time) among others dishing out their daily addictions and problems on national television. Now that is entertainment folks that make you, me, and everybody else feel good about themselves.

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

A joke for you on this glorious bastard of a day they like to call Hump for some reason...

"Why I fired my Secretary"

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.


HT: Joe

BRETT FAVRE IS A LYING ASSHOLE...AGAIN

Honestly I could care two shits if Brett Fav-re plays another down of NFL Football. I have tried and manipulated all my strength and will power to just ignore another offseason of bullshit in regards to Favre's retirement because I have no vested interest in Brett Favre. I don't like him or the Green Bay Packers or any other NFL team he wants to contaminate at this point. What I do care about is some guy making up his fucking mind and sticking with it. Quarterbacks are suppose to be committed to their team because unlike the other positions on the field they can directly affect the outcome. Favre on the other hand is just looking for the money. Favre has now become the Roger Clemens of the NFL. He was once beloved in Green Bay (maybe the Cheeseheads still love him because of the 3 MVPs and Super Bowl ring) and now he is playing for one of their biggest rivals in Minnesota. Like Clemens he says he is retired only to come back for the 3,436th time. If the Vikings were offering him $2 million and a little backdoor blow job action on a boat he would have told them to fuck off. But they didn't and finally caved to his and more importantly his agent's demand for more money and less training camp action despite having a bum shoulder and an ego that needs to be stroked more often than a coked up Peter North.

I say I shouldn't care about Fav-re and I really don't want to but the fucking guy won't go away. If he would just put on his fucking Wranglers, mow the grass, and shut the fuck up and not lie about retiring then nobody would care about him besides the Packers fanatics and Peter King. But nevertheless here we are. He won't stay in Mississippi. Another offseason of bullshit. Now Favre has become the official villain of the NFL. He wants to be the villain now. He has embraced the dark side, or purple if you prefer, and now will be playing in a comfortable 70 degree Dome instead of the frozen tundra of Lambeau. I'm shocked any team would put up with his shit especially considering the guy is 39 years old (translates to 108 years in normal human life) and all he ever does these days is lead the league in throwing bad interceptions.

Look at him and talk about him, that is what Brett Favre wants. He needs the attention. He loves it more than Michael Jackson loved to suck cock. I wish the media would just ignore him and tell him to go home and leave us alone. So from now on I will ignore any story involving #4. I promise. Wait, what did Fav-re just say to Chris Mortenson? Fucking Fav-re!

RICH DICKS

Rich Dicks from Jon Daly

18 DAYS

Till Golden Tate, Michael Floyd, and what now appears to be freshman sensation Shaq Evans unleash the newest version of AFROS (America's Finest Receivers on Saturday) to College Football.

DON'T PLAY THIS GUY IN H.O.R.S.E

Behind-the-back trick basketball shot extraordinaire Bruce Manley has a new video out with more amazing shots. This kid should just challenge anybody to a game of H.O.R.S.E. There is no way you can beat him when he is bouncing balls off of other basketballs into the hoop.

SEANTREL HENDERSON TO VISIT NOTRE DAME

The nation's #1 offensive tackle, Minnesota's Seantrel Henderson, has set his five official visits for this fall according to his dad Sean via ESPN Blog.

"I definitely know his five official visits," Sean Henderson said. "He will visit Ohio State, Oklahoma, Florida, USC and Notre Dame.

"So far he has Ohio State Sept. 12. Notre Dame will probably be Oct. 17. And USC is Nov. 28 tentatively."

Seantrel will visit Ohio State the weekend the Buckeyes play USC. Oct. 17 is the weekend the Irish take on USC. The weekend of Nov. 28 the Trojans play UCLA.

"He is going to the Oklahoma-Texas game just to watch," Sean Henderson said. "I'm not sure when he will make his official visit to Oklahoma. And I'm not sure about the date for his Florida visit."
Henderson plays at Cretin-Derham HS which has long been considered a Notre Dame feeder high school (Michael Floyd, Rashon Powers-Neal, Ryan Harris among others) but Henderson was rumored to not have much if any interest in attending Notre Dame. Now that he has scheduled his official visit for the October 17th against USC it appears the Irish at least have a shot. Henderson is the type of player who could step on campus anywhere next season and start right away. He is that good of a lineman. Hopefully he goes blue and gold and not cardinal and gold. I would hate to go against him every year.

JAY CUTLER IS STILL LOVED IN DENVER

Denver Broncos fans are still having a hard time moving past the Jay Cuntler era. Even kids are burning his jersey these days. How long before Chicago Bears fans do the same thing? Cutler has already managed to blame Devin Hester for an interception he threw in his opening preseason game. Never mind that he threw off his back foot and lofted a 40 yard pass perfectly into Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin hands. It was Hester's fault and there is no reason to doubt the great Jay Cuntler. I mean look at all that he has accomplished in the NFL. Ok, nothing really but he thinks he is better than Dan Marino and John Elway combined. If you were to ask me who is my #1 hated athlete right now I would have to say Cutler. I don't even like the Broncos and I hate him. The guy is just a complete asshole. He brings back fond memories of Michael Vick during his playing days. Vick would never take blame and wouldn't put in the time to get better and be a leader. But at least he wasn't a down right cry baby bitch like Cutler has been since he signed out of Vandy. His sense of entitlement is laughable. I feel bad for Chicago Bears fans. They deserve better. If Sexy Rexy can take them to a Super Bowl then Cutler better win one.

SIGN MY BABY NICK SABAN!

No doubt about it, Alabama loves their Crimson Tide. Who the hell else would let Nick Saban put his dirty fingers on their newborn much less put their devilish signature on the toddler? This baby is so fucked! We might as well rename the kid Lucifer. Saban's left thumb is more creepy than a Catholic priest whispering in your ear that everything is going to be "ok."

Not like I would know how that feels...forgive me father. I got to go.

Image HT: Deadspin

Y.A. YANG SAYS "KISS THIS FIST TIGER!"

Tiger Woods should be ashamed of himself. He had a 2 stroke lead going into Sunday's final round at the PGA Championship. He had never lost a lead in a major till yesterday. Fucking loser! South Korea's Y.A. Yang stuck his fist right up Tiger's a-hole and showed him how to hit some clutch shots. Yang's chip-in for an eagle at 14 was just a precursor to his brilliant 2nd shot on the 18th and final hole. He fucking nailed it and more importantly hit his putts unlike Tiger. Yesterday I would have smoked Tiger at a game of putt-putt by at least 5 strokes. Simply Tiger couldn't handle the pressure of losing to an Asian. He crumbled to a 75 on national television.

Tiger Woods is human after all. No majors in a calendar year for the first time since 2004. Pathetic. He should hang up the clubs and pursue and bang all the foreign nannies. As far as I can see he hasn't lost in that category yet.

NEW SHIRTS: MATTY ICE AND GINAS FOOTBALL

We have been making shirts now for almost 4 years and yet these will be our very first NFL inspired shirts. Don't ask me why it has taken so long other than the fact I ate a lot of paint chips as a kid. Lead based no less and pennies also were a favorite. I'm not even kidding, my parents had to take me to the emergency room when I was 4. The first shirt is the New Jersey Ginas Football tee which popped in our head when we watched the "40 Year Old Virgin" the 7th time. We figured we could play with the East Rutherford team up there in Jersey and call them the 'Ginas.

As for the Matty Ice Atlanta Football Shirt it was pretty obvious we had to make one for the Falcon's new quarterback. He took a losing franchise which has never had back-to-back winning seasons to the playoffs in his rookie season and came awfully close to winning MVP honors. This year Matty Ice has a new toy in All-Pro Tight End Tony Gonzalez and the team should be legitimate contenders for a Super Bowl run.

So these are our first 2 National Felon League shirts. We got some more ideas popping into our heads but of course we would love to hear back from you about other ideas. Washington Deadskins? Dallas Cowgirls? Big Ben's TV repair service? We have been working on some Vick to Philly shirt ideas but haven't really nailed any dogs, sorry ideas down. Let us know and if we use your idea you get a free shirt.

Visit our NFL Store page.

HIDE YOUR DOGS

My Dad pointed out the cover of the Philly Daily News today: HIDE YOUR DOGS. I feel sorta bad being a dog owner and all because I laughed out loud when I saw the headline. Philly fans hated Michael Vick when he played for the Falcons even though he could never beat the Eagles so I can't imagine too many fans embracing this move. But let's be completely honest here, Michael Vick is a football player and not some politician and/or role model. He is still a piece of shit in my book and I'm glad he isn't on the Atlanta Falcons. If he can go to Philly and contaminate the Eagles who could be the one team the Falcons have to beat to reach the Super Bowl then I say bravo. I can already see Donovan going down with a knee injury in week 5 and then everybody including myself waiting to see Vick come out in those Eagles colors as the savior. And then he drops back to pass and he tries to juke a defender like he is running away from the DA but his quickness has eroded. Defenders are younger and some are faster than Vick now. And then he flails the ball into a linebackers hands or merely fumbles it away. This is the Michael Vick I remember for the Falcons. What is 2 years in prison going to do to his game? Certainly can't improve. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ask Vick himself. He has dealt with many "old" dogs.

December 6th in the Dome can not get here soon enough.

It looks like the Vick signing has the McNabb stamp of approval. This according to McNabb himself...


If Vick comes in and looks good in the preseason (which I highly, highly doubt) then there will be an all out QB controversy in Philadelphia. I don't know how this would be good for the franchise. Either way NFC fans win. If you are a New Jersey Giants fan or an Atlanta Falcons fan you have to feel pretty good today. The Eagles were serious contenders to reach the Super Bowl with their stellar offseason acquisitions of LeSean Shady McCoy and Jeremy Maclin in the draft plus getting left tackle Jason Peters from Buffalo was a huge addition looking to protect McNabb. Now all of that could be thrown out due to a Vick controversy.

But then again Vick could come in and win and Philly fans will love him because they are crazy and they want to win at all costs. Trust me, I say this having many friends who are die hard Philly sports guys. If news came out tomorrow that Cole Hamels killed Benjamin Franklin nobody in Philly would give a shit because Hamels won a ring.

RUH ROH VICK IN PHILLY!

Pass me the popcorn fellas. This is going to be very interesting. Puppy killer Michael Vick in the city of Brotherly Love? This could have disaster written all over it. How will Donovan McNabb react to Vick being his backup? How will Andy Reid handle the press that comes with signing a player with the baggage of Michael Vick? What kind of pound puppies will the Philly faithful throw at Vick when he fumbles for the third time in a crucial game because he handles the rock like it's a hot potato? It's good to have Vick back in the NFL. He kind of just writes the blogs himself while I sit back and watch. Welcome back Vick! I can't wait to see him return to Atlanta on December 6th in the green and white. The racial tension should be fantastic.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TAILGATER TWO-A-DAYS

3 more weeks till kickoff! Are you ready? Well you better get ready for some heavy tailgating by preparing yourself for the 2009 season. No more South Beach diet. No more date nights on Friday or Saturday. Football season is upon us so put away the tampons and get ready. Take it from these guys, they know how to prep...

OFFICIAL 2009 NOTRE DAME GAME FOOTBALLS AVAILABLE

We just got in stock the new 2009 Official Wilson Notre Dame NCAA Football. These are the same exact footballs they use starting September 5th against Nevada. Same size and weight that Golden Tate and Michael Floyd will be catching this fall. I am pricing them at half the price of what Football Fanatics offers them at so you are getting a great deal for only $99.

Be sure to order them quickly because I have limited stock. First come first serve.

Notre Dame Official Wilson Game Day Football $99