SEC Poon: The Ultimate Recruiter
The fellas over at SECPoon have pointed out that Florida's Urban Meyer is using women to persuade superbad ass recruit LB Arthur Brown to the Swamp.

Wait a second, you are telling me Florida has more ass than Kansas where Brown is from? No way. Those Midwest chicks are well-fed no doubt but the more cushion for pushing the better right guys?

Guys? Hello guys? Oh fuck, who am I kidding? The reason why the SEC is god's gift to football is because of the poon.

GOD. BLESS. THE. POON.

ZACH SMITH GO BYE-BYE
Talk about getting knocked the fuck out...I feel for Smith because I have taken a hit like that. Not on the football field but by a cop when I told him to kiss my you know what. Yeah, for some reason cops don't like it when you talk to them like that, go figure.

The blood in your pee just means you tried really hard Zach.

AND SO IT BEGINS...

LETS. GET. IT. ON.

6 MORE HOURS!
I don't know if I have to take a shit or I'm just full of exuberiance about college football finally, and I mean FINALLY, kicking off. Oh wait, it's both...

RANDOM JOKE
A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old fisherman, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, “Hey old timer, why the long face?”
The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."


The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I ’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No,no. ”


The old man starts to cry again, “But you fuck one goat … ”

JOIN THE SPORTSCRACK COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM LEAGUE
So you think you know a lot about college football and who will win the games every Saturday when the players aren't banging their tutors? Well then prove it by joining the first ever Sportscrack College Football Pick Em contest over at Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

The winner each week gets a free Sportscrack shirt of their choice. Whether you choose to wear it or use it as a spank cleanup towel is your perogative.

Simply click on the link here and then click on the SIGN UP NOW icon under college football pick em.

The User ID # is 27510
The Password is sportscrack

Join now, it's free for Jenna's sake...

BIG 12 FOOTBALL PREVIEW
The Big 12 has been crapped on the last few years because they have only had two consistent heavyweights: Texas and Oklahoma. But this year should be different with Nebraska, Missouri (yes, I said Missouri), Texas A&M, and even Oklahoma State all having the ability to be top 20 teams this season. So let's take a look with some predictions.

THE ELITE TEAMS:

TEXAS LONGHORNS-The Longhorns are still the class of the conference despite losing their last 2 conference games last season due in large part to an injury to Colt McCoy. The Real McCoy is back with a full bill of health and ready to sling it to WR Limas Sweed and Billy Pittman (both who happen to be injury prone this summer but should start). Tight end Jermichael Finley has the talent and should have a breakout season for the Horns. Jamaal Charles might be the fastest back in the nation and should have a huge junior season which could be his last in Austin if he decides to bolt for the NFL.

The Longhorns front 7 on defense has more talent than the pool at the Playboy Mansion. Defensive tackle Frank Okam is one of the best in the nation and will be a first round draft pick next season. The Longhorns had one of the worst pass defense last year and will have to replace their defensive coordinator in Gene Chizik(more on him later). Now it's up to Duane Akina to earn his promotion and get his defense to win some games for a change.

I don't care if TCU is everybody's darling pick for a BCS Bowl this season, Texas should beat them rather handidly in the second week. The decisive game as always is the Red River Shootout on October 6th. Whoever wins that game wins the Big 12. Looking at the teams right now, Texas should win.

OKLAHOMA SOONERS-Redshirt freshman Sam Bradford won the starting QB job and will have plenty of talent in the backfield to hand the ball off. RB Demarco Murray is another redshirt freshman who could be the best back in the conference (take a deep breath Longhorn fans...good) when all is said and done. WR Malcolm Kelly is a force with his height and skill and should have another big season. It's going to be interesting to see how Bradford breaks in especially with the Hurricanes coming in to Norman the second week of the season.

The Sooners have talent in the front 7 but lack game time experience. The strength should be the secondary with 3 returning starters. CB Reggie Smith has All-American potential. Coach Bob Stoops knows the season will make or break depending on how well the front 7 plays on defense and I think DT Gerald McCoy will step up his game and have a big season to alleviate some worries.

The schedule includes Miami, Missouri, Oklahoma State, and Texas A&M all coming to Norman. Not brutal by any means but I wouldn't be surprised if the Sooners lost at least one of those games. Of course the Red River Shootout will determine the South division's representation in the Big 12 Championship game.

THE CONTENDERS:
NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS-Can Sam Keller lead this team? That will be the biggest question now as he has been named the starter after sitting out a year after transferring from Arizona State. Keller has skills but has never really had the
maturity (I know they are in college but some guys act older)to really lead a team. If he can take off his panties and put on his big boy pants and run Bill Callahan's bullshit West Coast offense good things could happen. RB Marlon Lucky is due to breakout if he can stay healthy. The receiving tandem of seniors Maurice Purify and Terrence Nunn have game breaking ability and should benefit by catching balls from Keller.

The Blackshirts defense is led by two outstanding linebackers in Corey McKeon and Bo Ruud. Losing Adam Carriker on the d-line is significant not only because he was a great player but because all 3 of his other linemen are also gone. A totally new front 4 will need to grow up fast if they want to compete for the Big 12 title.

The out of conference schedule includes early season matchups with ACC Champion Wake Forest on the road and USC at home. USC would absolutely beat the shit out of Nebraska if this game was being played two or three years ago, but it's not and Nebraska can hang with them. If they pull of the season's biggest upset it would catapult the Cornhuskers back to one of the nation's elite teams. It's a BIG if though.

MISSOURI TIGERS-I hate to put too much pressure on one player but I think QB Chase Daniel
will determine if the Tigers are legit or not. If he has a huge season and improves from last season and cuts down on the costly turnovers this Tigers team could win the Big 12. He has a lot of weapons to use including RB Tony Temple and the best tight end tandem of Martin Rucker and Chase Coffman.

The defense only returns 4 starters but their best player, LB Brock Christopher, is back and should again lead the team in tackles. The defense as a whole can bend a lot with Missouri's high octane offense but if they want to win a championship they are going to have to force some turnovers.

Missouri is going to start off 4-0 and everybody will be jumping on their bandwagon after what should all be blowout wins. The home game against Nebraska will make or break their season. If they win they are in the driver's seat to win the North division. Lose and they are playing catch up all season.

TEXAS A&M-The Aggies are my sleeper pick in the Big 12. I love watching QB Stephen McGee run an offense with huge FB Jorvorskie Lane and explosive TB Mike Goodson.
Their backfield is right up there with West Virginia in terms of running ability. Tight end Martellus Bennett is the best in the nation at his position and a serious deep threat with his size. Offensively the Aggies should score a ton of points but...

The defense needs to be more consistent. Ranked 44th overall last season, they got destroyed in the Holiday Bowl against Cal. The defensive line is one of the conference's best with Chris Harrington and Red Bryant back as starters. The linebackers are not extremely talented but have game experience. The defensive backfield is deep and talented with 3 returning starters.

The Aggies open up with 3 jokes at home but then travel to Miami to take on the Hurricanes. Win that game and it's not out of the realm of possibility the Aggies are 9-0 heading to Oklahoma in early November. With games against Missouri and Texas following to finish the regular season, it is imperative for the Aggies to win in Miami to have a legit chance as my sleeper pick. We will see.

OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS-WR Adarius Bowman
is a pimp dressed up in a cowboy uniform on Saturday afternoons. If they beat Georgia on Saturday I will break down their whole team and schedule including their likes in women. If they don't I wouldn't expect another mention of Oklahoma State from me except for Bowman the pimp.


FALLING BACK TEAMS:
TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS-I don't trust anything that bleeds for 3 days and doesn't die. Yes the Red Raiders have a potent fun n gun, shoot em up and bang, whatever the fuck you want to call it offense. But they don't beat the big boys and more than likely won't again this season. Don't trust them. Nuff said.

KANSAS STATE WILDCATS-I love defensive end Ian Campbell but their QB Josh Freeman turns the ball over way too many times. Despite their impressive win against Texas last season, this is just an average team. Not great and not terrible. Take it for what it's worth.

KANSAS JAYHAWKS-Why do I need to explain anything when Mark Mangino can do it...


SHIT COVERED WITH CHOCOLATE TEAMS:
COLORADO BUFFALOES-This team lost to Montana State and Baylor in one season. I think you have to give up your man card if you lose to one of those teams, but two you might as well go Owen Wilson and cut your losses. Go play intramurals brother...


IOWA STATE CYCLONES-New coach Gene Chizik should have never taken this job. Never. Ever.

BAYLOR BEARS-They have by far the worst offensive players in the conference. And their defense sucks too.


BEST GAME:
Texas vs. Oklahoma in Dallas (October 6th)-The Red River shootout is so intense that some fans will rip your balls off if you piss them off and root for the other team. Always an entertaining battle, Oklahoma is looking for revenge for the past two blowout losses in Dallas.

WORST GAME:
Baylor at Buffalo (September 22nd)-The Bears vs. Bulls sounds like a matchup of "which team captured the heart of Chicago" back in the day. This matchup sounds like Rosie O'donnell getting finger blasted by an ox.

MOST OVERRATED GAME:
TCU at Texas (September 8th)-A lot of people have this penciled in as their upset game of the year. The Horned Frogs have a good team, don't get me wrong, but they are not in the Longhorn's class. Texas wins be at least 10 points.

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER:
Texas A&M runningback Mike Goodson wins a very tight battle over Texas' Colt McCoy and Jamaal Charles and Oklahoma State's Adarius Bowman. Any of these guys could have huge seasons.

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER:
Kansas State's defensive end/linebacker Ian Campbell is the best player in the Big 12 you haven't heard of. It should be interesting to see how he plays this season under the new 3-4 scheme.

BEST FRESHMAN:
If we were going with redshirt freshmen I would have picked Demarco Murray but I'm leaving this up to true freshmen who will make an impact this season. With that being said, Colorado OT Ryan Miller will see a ton of playing time for the Buffaloes.

MOST LIKELY TO GET ARRESTED:
Another Oklahoma fan will get piss drunk and rip the scrotum off of another Texas fan after they lose the Red River Shootout. Hopefully it will be the funbags on the left doing the tugging.

MOST LIKELY TO GET FIRED:
Guy Morriss at Baylor is most likely to get fired because he coaches BAYLOR. They are horrible every year and will have at least 10 losses this season.

PLAYER WHO WILL BE BETTER THAN WHAT PEOPLE THINK:Texas RB Jamaal Charles had a "down" year during his sophomore season but will explode for 1300 plus yards and quite possibly make a trip to NYC for some stupid trophy.

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AWARD:
How Colorado became this bad so quickly. Following a 2 win season, Dan Hawkins is going to let his son quarterback the team. Seriously.

THE WINNER IS:
In what promises to be a tight game in the first half, Texas
pulls away from Nebraska in the second half to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES

I know I badmouth ESPN all the time but I do like Pat Forde because he actually talks to the players and coaches and is reasonable with his opinions unlike Mark May.

Only 1 more day till we have college football kickoff...3 more days till I'm on my hillbilly heroin: cases of cheap beer and my blood shot devout eyes glued to the television watching 12 plus hours of college football guts and glory...yippey, kay,aye.

A LEPRECHAUN IN MOBILE, ALABAMA?

You would think this is some Dave Chappelle sketch but it isn't. Just some crazy people from Alabama. No wonder people from Alabama hate Notre Dame and claim they have 35 National Championships. They are scared of the Leprechaun!

Via Barstool Sports

OWEN WILSON TOOK HILLBILLY HEROIN?
The latest news on the apparent Owen Wilson suicide attempt is that he went on a three day drug binge of not only cocaine and heroin but he also mixed a cocktail of oxycontin and crystal meth known as "hillbilly heroin."

So basically he has taken more illegal stuff than Barry Bonds.

According to the pathetic skank drug queen known to the free world as Courtney Love, all of this is the fault of one man by the name of Steve Coogan. I have no clue who he is so don't bother asking.

Wait, did Love honestly say Wilson drug problem is some other guy's fault. Fucking Hollywood. Isn't Wilson a grown man who can make his own decisions?

My hope is that Wilson can make a comeback and destroy his inner demons. Being a recreational drug rat is no way to go through life especially when you can be banging hot models and actresses despite having a hockey nose that resembles a swollen prostate. Get well Owen, we need you back you old sailor you...

A BASEBALL JOKE
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankees fan from the water. Then using autographed Manny Ramirez baseball bats, the three Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing…how's the bait holding up?"

–Jonathan S.
Wilmington, NC

JOIN THE SPORTSCRACK COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM LEAGUE
So you think you know a lot about college football and who will win the games every Saturday when the players aren't banging their tutors? Well then prove it by joining the first ever Sportscrack College Football Pick Em contest over at Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

The winner each week gets a free Sportscrack shirt of their choice. Whether you choose to wear it or use it as a spank cleanup towel is your perogative.

Simply click on the link here and then click on the SIGN UP NOW icon under college football pick em.

The User ID # is 27510
The Password is sportscrack

Good luck. And I hope all your fantasies come true...

BLOG ROLL CALL
-DeepSouthSports says who gives a shit if Jerrell Powe can't read or write. This is the SEC folks, there ain't no reading or writing, just football.

-Buckeye Commentary reveals the official depth chart of the Ohio $tate Buckeyes.

-Erik Ainge is dinged up but he is a football player and some little finger injury isn't going to keep him away from singing that bastard child of Satan song called Rocky Top.

-Everydayshouldbesaturday explores the "art" of killing a cupcake.

-Tom Brady's baby is named after a JET and some douche presidential candidate. Apparently so according to Barstool Sports.

FREEMAN WINS HURRICANES QB JOB


Talk about a fall from prep football grace. Kyle Wright, who was suppose to be the next superstar QB for the Hurricanes, was beaten out by fourth-year junior Kirby Freeman for the starter's spot.

New coach Randy Shannon had this to say about the battle:
''Both of those guys worked well in the off season and did a lot of great things to try to win the job, but as a coach you have to make tough decisions. We felt like Kirby gives us the best opportunity to win games.''

The Hurricanes could have another rough season in 2007. The Canes always have a good defense and this year should be no different with guys like Calais Campbell and Kenny Phillips on that side of the ball. But where are the offensive play makers? WR Lance Leggett has been as big of a disappointment as Wright. The one decent player is sophomore RB Javarris James who finished with 802 yards rushing in his freshman campaign.

Looking at their schedule I see a blowout loss at Oklahoma on September 8th. The Sooners could completely embarrass the Hurricanes like Louisville did last season. The September 20th home game against Texas A&M is no gimme either. Looking at the schedule I see a 7-5 team with losses to Oklahoma, Texas A&M, Georgia Tech, Florida State, and Boston College.

This could be another disastrous season for the once mighty Co-Canes....

THIS JUST IN: WEIS DOESN'T CARE
I know everybody is on pins and needles to find out who the starting quarterback against Georgia Tech is but there is one thing the media needs to figure out for themselves about Charlie Weis.

He doesn't give a shit what you think about his team.

It's that simple. Despite the fact that SI's Stewart Mandel calls him arrogant because he won't tell the media who will get the starting snaps we need to all realize that Weis has been confident, or as some will call arrogant, in his ability to coach the Irish.

So stop comparing other schools like how Oklahoma, Florida State, and Miami handled their quarterback situation. It doesn't matter. Weis is the coach. Deal with it.

The only thing that matters is if the Irish win on Saturday. Don't take it personal when Weis doesn't smile at you and tell you all his gameplan for Georgia Tech.

Now let's play some fucking football.

WATCH OUT ASHLEY

This proves big girls can run. Running for a trip to some beautiful warm country not named Canada, Ashley looks as confused as Michael Vick on America's stance on dogfighting. One can only wonder if Vick and Ashley will meet in 3 years when Ookie is playing in the CFL.

Via WithLeather

RANDOM JOKE
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
“Olympic condoms?”, she asks, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors,” he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course,” says the man proudly.

The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

BRADY QUINN ADAPTING TO THE NFL LIFESTYLE
It was only a matter of time before Brady got his locks chopped. As part of rookie hazing, Brady got the military doo from some of his new Brown team mates. By the way Quinn is 20-of-31 for 236 yards with three touchdowns and no interceptions in 2 preseason games.

I haven't checked lately, but how is the great Jamarcus Russell(who can throw the ball 80 yards from his knees while going down on Todd McShay) doing in Oakland? Is Teddy Ginn and his family tearing it up in Miami? I'm just wondering because these guys were clearly better than Brady Quinn according to NFL scouts.

Should Brady Quinn be starting against the Steelers on September 9th? I wouldn't start a rookie QB in week 1 for any team, but I think Brady can handle the pressure after enduring 4 years as the starting QB at Notre Dame. Brady is a tough guy who took a ton of vicious hit while wearing the Blue and Gold and yet he always got up and never once complained.

That is what leaders do. Brady Quinn will be the leader of the Cleveland Brown's franchise for years to come. Whether or not he is the starter in Week 1 doesn't matter.

JOKE OF THE DAY

The Best Pub

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

RANDOM THOUGHT
I think Michael Vick going to the big house could turn into the best thing to happen to the Atlanta Falcons. Joey Harrington wants to lead this team and prove his worth in the NFL. Vick was never going to be a great QB or lead his team to a Super Bowl because of his lack of maturity, leadership, and efficiency as a passer.
Anybody that can come out of the NFL albatross known as the Detroit Lions who wants to prove his worth and is ready to be a leader has my vote over a guy who goes by the names of Ookie and Ron Mexico.
Maybe the Falcons franchise took a turn for the best with Vick getting incarcerated. What does the Sportscrack nation think?

NEW SHIRTS!
Get ready for the College Football season with some new, kick ass shirts from Sportscrack.com.

He is a pimp daddy with the sweetest ride, now get the shirt.


Supposedly Superman wears this underneath his leotard Florida fans.

Not only are they Crimi"noles" but they are way overrated.

MOODY FOLLOWS THE MONEY TO FLORIDA
"I followed my heart," said Moody, the Trojans' second-leading rusher last season. "It's when you get that feeling that you know something is right and you can't really describe."

Um, I'm going to call BS on this one. Florida tailbacks have averaged less carries per game than USC in the last 5 years so it can't be a better opportunity. I thought the Poodle used to be a shady guy, but now it is all Urban Cryer. First he whines his way into the BCS National Championship game, then he steals recruits from other schools, and now he gets starting tailbacks from USC to transfer to Florida. Nothing seems shady about that at all to me...


Let's hear it from Emmanuel himself what a great family man Cryer is...

AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS STUPID

Wow! I think we just found a new sideline reporter for CBS. This clip is from Saturday's Miss Teen USA pageant with the South Carolina contestant proving blondes do have more fun. I don't know which is more funny: her answer or AC Slater's look on his face after she delivers one of the most horrible answers known to mankind.

DREAM COME TRUE

I watched the whole Little League World Series game yesterday not because I like little boys but because I like to see ballplayers hustling and giving it their all (I'm looking at you Andruw Jones). Watching Dalton Carriker hit a walk-off game winning home run has got to be the pinnacle of his life. As soon as he hit it his face lit up like he saw he first live nipple the thought that came to my degenerate mind was "he is going to get so much ass tonight." Is that wrong? If you are 12 years old and you just became a national hero on national television wouldn't you expect just a little action. You know Carriker is never going to have a bigger moment in his life. He could come up with a cure for cancer but still people will remember him as the kid with braces who made Japanese kids cry.

All right, I'm going to try to stop acting like an asshole and say congratulations to the Warner Robins little league team. You made this Georgian baseball player proud the way you played the game and I don't think I've seen a better moment than immediately after the game when both teams were hugging each other. It takes a lot for me to get choked up but to see those young Japanese kids crying because they knew they would have to go home and take a lashing for their incompetence; and yet the big, proud Americans embraced them and showered them with hugs shows that this is the greatest, most powerful country in North America.

U-S-A bitches.

HAPPY 47TH CAL RIPKEN
A Hall of Famer on and off the field, Cal Ripken was my hero besides my parents when I was growing up. He played the game hard every day and played it at an All-Star level.

So in honor of Ripken here is a video:

ONE MORE REASON TO HATE ESPN
As you all know my love-hate relationship with ESPN runs deep. Here is just another reason why ESPN needs to be put down or someone...anybody...needs to come out and make a competing network devoted to sports. Come on Mark Cuban, I know you read this blog, you can do it. Anyways, ESPN decided to do a little segment on the top 5 Traditions in College Football. I must warn all college football fans, there is a New York Post writer telling us about college football traditions. Yes, the piece of splooge cleanup towel we all call the New York Post!


W-H-A-T T-H-E F-U-C-K? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. First off asking a New Yorker, let alone a guy who talks like Andrew Dice Clay and writes for the Post to talk about college football is on par with asking Chris Rix how to be a champion.

Oh shit, people actually do ask.

The Miami Hurricanes tradition is dead Cuban hookers and Columbian bam-bam. It ain't white smoke unless you are talking about Michael Irvin and crack. Is he really serious about Miami and the running out of the "white smoke?" I love the comparison of Tom Cruise and The Last Sumarai with Miami's "tradition." I guess he has never heard of Clemson's tradition of running down the hill and rubbing Howard's Rock. That can't even compare to what Miami does with the white smoke right? Or what about Florida State's tomahawk chop they stole from the Atlanta Braves in the early 90's? I'm kidding Seminole fans, everyone knows you stole it from the Redskins.

Army's great tradition is losing to Navy. How you can put Army over the dotting of the i or any of Notre Dame's traditions is simply amazing.

But then again this is ESPN and they are asking somebody from the Northeast what they think about college football. If I want to know something about the NHL I'm not asking Cletus from Alabama. If I want to ask about morals and how to do the right thing I'm not calling up Pacman to get his advice.

But then again ESPN is not just about sports they will tell you. It's about entertainment too. Nothing is entertaining about a guy talking about something he has no clue on. Don't make me come over there ESPN...

MOODY DOWN TO TWO
The latest on Emmanuel Moody, the second leading rusher for USC last season, is he has narrowed his choices down to Florida and North Carolina. The funniest part of this whole transfer is the reason behind him leaving in the first place.

Moody says he is leaving because it's a "business decision." HMMM, a business decision. And by business I presume we are talking cash money. I guess ever since the little Reggie Bush fiasco at USC in which we came to found out he took over a quarter of a million $$ in gifts with room and board thrown in for his family, now USC is making sure they only hand out so much.

Poor guy. I'm presuming Butch Davis and Urban Meyer have some deep pockets in order to get a guy the calibre of Moody. "Business" decision are all about money and we all know Florida is rolling in the money with the 3 Championships and the amount of money being dished out to Meyer and Billy Donovan annually.

My guess is Florida. Cash money yo.



my mind on my money, my money on my mind

OOKIE'S SUMMARY OF FACTS
Well, the summary of facts have come out and nothing much has changed. Ookie is still a bad guy according to his federal indictment and will be going to jail for at least a year. The NFL is a forgotten dream for Ron Mexico now.
You participate in a gambling enterprise where you are THE money man and you can pretty much say bye-bye to any chance of ever playing in the NFL again.

With that being said I think we can all agree that Vick's dad needs to shut the fuck up. Now I think we can all understand why Marcus and Michael are so fucked up in the head. One has to accept responsibility and I am definitely not a Vick apologist, but I am thankful that I grew up with a father that I can look up to who was always there for support and not just looking for money (probably because I don't have anything besides this crusty $10 bill in my semen soaked shorts...oh wait, did I semen, I meant booger).

Anyways the point is to look up to your parents and not athletes. But if you have parents like Michael Vick then don't use it as a crutch and make the best out of your life like Juan Dixon
has done. Dixon grew up in one of the most awful situations a human being could ever endure and yet has come out of life as a champion both on and off the court.

OFF TO SEE DAVE CHAPPELLE
I got to get out of here and drive my ass through the huge cluster fuck that is known as gridlock Atlanta traffic to see Dave Chappelle. I'm hoping to get some video footage and share it with the Sportscrack nation but you never know what those narcs down at the Tabernacle will let me bring in. And if you are wondering, and I'm sure you are, I have to make a stop to pick up my date: my monkey...

I'm going to chill with my monkey!

FORGET BECKHAM, THIS IS HOW YOU GET RATINGS



Ignore the stupid Black Eyed Peas music in the background. I don't think you can beat a game of Latin ladies in little shorts playing a game of soccer. Someone has to bring this to the States and replace the butch WNBA. Come on ESPN...you say you are all about entertainment well then prove it.

Via WithLeather

FIVE MOMENTS THAT WILL DEFINE THE SEC
Tony Barnhart has another good short read on some moments that could define the SEC season. Like it or not SEC fans, but the opening game of Cal vs. Tennessee will define how good or bad the SEC is going to be this season. If Cal comes out and blows away the Hillbillies (in other words the Hippies vs. Hillbillies Bowl)the "pundits" out there will be all over how much improved the PAC-10 is and how the SEC has faltered. I know it's stupid and doesn't really make any sense in the overall schematics of conference power but it will be something the media runs with to create controversy.

And God knows we need more controversy in college football.

As a die hard Orioles fan I don't even know how to react to this royal ass beating handed down by of all teams the Texas Walker Rangers. I guess it is the equivolent of a nine man lineup of Chuck Norris coming at you with furious anger and vengeance for what Erik Bedard did to them the night before (11 Ks) and Johan Santana (17 Ks) did on Sunday. The good news for all Orioles fans is that the ballclub has decided to give coach Dave Trembley an extension through next season before this debacle ever occured. As an Orioles fan we have come to grips with 10 straight years of losing, we call it a disease that no ballclub whether little league or professional ever wants to catch: FUCKING ANGELOS!

RUN OLD MAN, SAVE YOURSELF!

NEW SPORTSCRACK SHIRTS!!
Arkansas, Cal, and Florida fans will have to wait till next week when we reveal some new shirts designed for them exclusively. But this week we have two new shirts.

The first one is called "College Football Saturday The Holy Day". We made it for all the College Football fanatics out there. Nothing is better than Saturdays in the fall and we wanted to have a shirt that anybody who loves the sport like we do could wear.

It comes in three colors: red, navy, and football brown.




And for all the Irish fan's out there, we have just introduced a new "The Four Horsemen 2007" t-shirt in both dark green and navy. If you literally bleed Irish like I do this shirt is a must get. Take a look:



All shirts are $17 with a portion of all sales going to the American Cancer Society. We hope you enjoy our shirts as much as we enjoy making them and wearing them.

Only 7 more days till college football kickoff!

FINALLY SHE POPPED!
Congrats go out to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on their baby girl...wait, there's a penis...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES
-Apparently the Bruins should go by the Bruises with all their injuries this summer. Coach Karl Dorrell has recently had some issues with depth in their offensive backfield due to the injuries and has switched a couple of defensive guys to the running back position to see how they react. As of right now the only two healthy tailbacks are Chris Markey(C0-MVP of team last season) and Kahlil Bell.

Also it appears Sportscrack preseason All-American defensive end Bruce Davis is injured and is not participating in contact drills. If the Bruins want to be serious contenders for the PAC-10...wait a second, this is UCLA. If UCLA wants to win 10 games this season they are going to need to get healthy fast.

-The guys over at Blue-Gray Sky have a really good breakdown on the Notre Dame rushing attack this season. It would appear on paper the Irish have a ton of depth and talent in their backfield this season with "The Four Horsemen" in Armando Allen, James Aldridge, Robert Hughes, and Travis Thomas all possessing the ability to make a splash in South Bend this season. Whether or not they have the right QB to hand it off to them will dictate how well they do this season along with stopping people on defense.

-Eric Zeier has been named as Larry Munson's replacement as color analyst for Georgia's road games. You will never find a guy to replace Munson, who is a legend in college football broadcasting, but it sounds like Zeier could one day replace him. I'm not a Georgia fan but I love Munson because of his enthusiasm, his distinct voice, and calls like this he brings to the great game of college football...


-Oregon State's sensational receiver and punt returner Sammie Stroughter is taking some time off to address personal issues. It's good to see kids like Sammie take things to heart and knows what really is important in their life despite all the recent losses. With that being said I hope he finds himself in sound mind to come back and play this season because he is a very important part of the Beaver offense (leading PAC-10 receiver last season). I would believe the people who are closest to him would want him to get back to what makes him happy: scoring touchdowns against USC!
My obvious reason why Stroughter should come back this season.

-Apparently the Orange Bowl is really old and decaying. The Miami Hurricanes will move to Dolpin Stadium starting in 2008 and leave despite an offer of more than $200 million from city officials to renovate. By renovate they of course mean to throw in all of Michael Irvin's cocaine money he left behind after being drafted by the Cowboys.

SPORTSCRACK NATION THINKS GEORGIA IS THE BEAST OF THE EAST
Not an exact science by any means, but I must say I'm shocked how many people voted for Georgia to win the SEC East. The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party has been dominated by the Gators (15-2 since 1990)and although they have lost their starting QB in Chris Leak and a lot of their defensive starters from their National Championship team they do have Tim Tebow back along with a ton of young talent ready to step up. Of course Georgia could win the SEC East but they do have a ton of question marks including the two true freshmen who will be starting on the offensive line starting September 1st against Oklahoma State.

Here is the voting breakdown:
Florida 5 (20%)
Tennessee 3 (12%)
Georgia 13 (54%)
Kentucky 1 (4%)
South Carolina 2 (8%)


So there you have it Sportscrack nation. Now go ahead and make a vote for who you think will match up with the Bulldogs in the SEC Championship.


P.S.-I still think Florida will win the SEC East.

SI COVER JINX STRIKES AGAIN
Sorry Trojan fans, but it appears the SI cover jinx has already struck your team. Take a close look at the runningback on the far left.

That would be one Emmanuel Moody. He is no longer a Condom after deciding LA, with all it's Hollywood coke whores, wasn't suited for him and is now looking to transfer. Rumors are TCU, Oklahoma State, and Notre Dame are possible destinations for the highly regarded sophomore halfback.

Anyways, I just wanted to point it out to all the Trojan fans. In other words all ten of you and the millions of bandwagon lovers who latched on once they started winning again.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S TOP PLAYMAKERS
This list is according to ESPN's Pat Forde. I think Forde is a really good writer and he is one of the select few on ESPN who I actually respect their opinion on college football(Kirk Herbstreit and Bruce Feldman are the others)but I think he needs to work on his list.


Darren McFadden: An obvious selection. Agree.
Desean Jackson: My favorite for the Heisman. Agree.
Steve Slaton: Can't argue with his stats. Partially agree.
Adarius Bowman: I like Bowman, but I think the Big 12 has guys like DeMarco Murray and Jamaal Charles who will be bigger playmakers this season. At the WR position I think Mario Manningham is more of a playmaker on offense than Bowman.
Derrick Williams: Um...hmm...maybe...no way! Derrick Williams is not even close to being one of the top playmakers in college football.

Here would be my top 5:
1. Desean Jackson: Can score anytime he touches the ball.
2. Darren McFadden: Superstar who will shine in the NFL.
3. Pat White: Darkhorse Heisman contender who will have a great season passing and running.
4. James Laurinaitis: The Buckeye LB creates a ton of turnovers.
5. Mario Manningham: Scares the shit out of me everytime he breaks deep.

FALCONS REACT TO VICK SITUATION

PRESEASON HEISMAN ODDS
I just ran into the Heisman Trophy odds over at www.sportsinteraction.com.
They are as follows:
Steve Slaton +500
John David Booty +500
Darren McFadden +600
Brian Brohm +650
Colt Brennan +800
Chad Henne +800
Ray Rice +800
Mike Hart +1000
Tim Tebow +1200
Pat White +1500
CJ Spiller +1500
Colt McCoy +1800
Percy Harvin +2000
Chase Daniel +2000
CJ Gable +2200
Jonathan Stewart +2500
Anthony Morelli +4000
Matthew Stafford +5000

Ummm, okay...where the fuck is Desean Jackson? Seriously, you are going to tell me guys like CJ Gable(who won't even be starting), Anthony Morelli(average QB for all the physical talents), and Matthew Stafford(too young)have a better chance of winning than the most exciting player in college football(apologies to D-Mac fans)?

I get it that the Heisman Trophy has become more of a running joke than George Bush's foreign policy but can we start getting it right? First off, Pat White is more of a Heisman candidate than Steve Slaton. White runs the Mountaineers offense and without him West Virginia is just a huge burning couch with empty bottles of Jack Daniels shoved in between the cushions and not even close to a top 5 team.

And don't even start me with this BS about John David Booty. Listen, I will admit I don't like USC but I had no problem when Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, or Reggie Bush won the Heisman. Why? Because all three players could raise the level of play in their teammates and were arguably the best player on the field at all times (calm down Texas fans, I know Vince Young is god) during their Heisman winning year. But Booty is not. Just like Troy Smith wasn't last year(James Laurinaitis), Booty isn't even the best player on his team.

Booty is just another reincarnation of Gino Torretta, Chris Weinke, and Jason White. I don't care if you are the QB of the #1 team in the country. The fact remains that you aren't the best player on your own team, let alone your conference so why are we even talking about you as a serious Heisman contender?

Oh well, I guess I will just need to keep telling myself it isn't my fault we have morons who try to ruin the beautiful game of college football for all of us...

OKLAHOMA NAMES BRADFORD STARTING QB
Head coach Bob Stoops announced today that redshirt freshman Sam Bradford will be the starting quarterback on September 1st against the football juggernaut known as the North Texas Mean Green(wasn't Kathy Ireland a kicker there?).

Bradford, a 6-5 native Oklahoman who was rated the 12th best pro-style QB during his high school senior season according to Rivals.com, beat out junior Joey Halzle and true freshman Keith Nichol.

Oklahoma should have a good offense with star RB Demarco Murray, whom I am predicting will have a huge season even if he is splitting carries with Allen Patrick. The Sooners offensive line should be solid and WR Malcolm Kelly is a big target who should become Bradford's #1 target.

With that being said I still think Texas and Texas A&M will have better seasons because of their respective QB's have game experience. I'm still a little miffed at Oklahoma being touted as a top 10 team. I think they are a top 20 team but I don't think they are better than Cal or the Aggies just to name a few.

LOVE IS A BITCH
I sort of feel bad for this dude but it's just too funny not to post it. I just can't understand how any brunette, blonde, or red head for that matter whether short or tall can resist this casanova...

Frustrated Video Dater Loses His Cool - Watch more free videos

WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO SENATOR ROBERT BYRD IN REGARD TO THE VICK SITUATION



IT'S BARBARIC DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! I couldn't have said it more eloquently myself.

GOOD COP, BAD COP

BASEBALL JOKE
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


My baseball heaven.

I GUESS I WAS RIGHT
With Michael Vick accepting the plea deal, it now appears we won't see Ookie for 18-36 months. It's disappointing to see someone through away so much talent just so they can hang with their homeboys. But I remember when I wrote an article a couple of seasons ago telling the Falcons they needed to trade Vick because he would never amount to shit as a QB.

Well after I wrote the article I got tons of emails telling me I should quit writing and take up midget clown wrestling for the Jerry Springer show. I thought about it, wrote my replies, and basically told people they would know I was right when Vick is a no-good has-been.

Now here we are. Ookie is going bye-bye for a long time.

The Falcons are as much at fault about this whole situation as Vick is himself. They should have never, never, ever renegotiated his contract before it was even close to up. When you are investing hundreds of millions of dollars into an athlete you should investigate all aspects of that person's life. But they ignored the behavior (water bottle incident, flicking off the Atlanta crowd, his posse stealing a watch, dog fighting) because they thought dumb shit Mexico was telling them the truth.

So congratulations Falcons for not being proactive in a sport that requires it everyday. You should have done your research and not traded Matt Schaub or at least drafted a QB (Brady Quinn would have looked really good in black) with half a fucking brain this offseason. Now Falcon fans can look forward to Joey Harrington...damn, this is going to get ugly here in Atlanta.

RANDOM GOLF JOKE

What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!

Not a great joke by any means...more like a fact.

BCS BOWL PREDICTIONS
Allstate BCS Championship Game
(BCS No. 1 vs. BCS No. 2) USC vs. LSU
Both of these teams have way too much talent to not at least compete for the rights to go to the game in December. I wouldn't be surprised if LSU has a loss but still gets picked over an undefeated Big East team.

Allstate Sugar
(BCS vs. BCS) Florida vs. West Virginia
The Gators are in it because they lose a heart breaker in the SEC Championship game to LSU, thus denying them a chance to defend their title. West Virginia gets squeezed out because all the pundits nitpick their defense and say they can't compete with big-bad USC.

FedEx Orange
(BCS vs. BCS) Virginia Tech vs. Ohio State
The Hokies get in because they win the ACC. The Buckeyes surprise a lot of people except me and make it to another BCS game by barely edging out the Wisconsin Badgers in the BCS rankings.

Tostitos Fiesta
(BCS vs. BCS) Cal vs. Rutgers
Cal and Rutgers sneak into their first ever BCS games by finishing second in their respective conferences.

Rose Bowl presented by Citi
(BCS vs. BCS) Michigan vs. Texas
Wolverine fans still have nightmares of Vince Young dancing and weaving in their heads.

FURTHER PROOF MAKEUP FUCKS WITH A GUY'S HEAD
About ten minutes ago if you asked me "what do you think about Vanessa Minnillo?" I would have said she is the cute but borderline psychotic girl who used to be on MTV who currently bangs Nick Lachey. But after seeing this naked picture(NSFW) I'm not sure of anything anymore. At first I thought the picture was a fake because her face looks like a bloated chipmunk and her "hair"style is straight out of 70's porn. This is just further proof that a little makeup and some photoshop can change everything. I mean look at her in the above Maxim spread. It's hard to top that. But for all we know she could have been hiding a Mr. Winkie the whole time. Now that I think of it, it is kind of hard to make out her anatomy in the naked pic. I better stop before I start questioning my sexuality.

JOSE OFFERMAN ATTACK
Since apparently nobody really gives a shit about independent league baseball, here is an entertaining slide show of Jose Offerman attacking some poor sap. All it is missing is some Benny Hill music.

Oh, what the hell, here you go...


Holy shit, I think I just saw Carl Everett in both clips.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES

-USC has lost one of their 5000 five star runningbacks in Emmanuel Moody. According to the LA Times, Moody's decision surprised a lot of players and coaches within the program. Supposedly the Texas native is looking at transferring to Oklahoma State, although it's just a rumor at this point.

-Texas fans just let out a giant "Thank you baby Jesus" as it is now being reported that WR Limas Sweed will be back for the first game against powerhouse Arkansas State. Don't worry Texas Mike, I'm still looking at the 37 point spread and am leaning towards the Longhorns covering. Sweed knows I want my money and he assured me he will be playing and Tim Donaghy(who would be a perfect Big Ten ref because they all are on the take) will be the guest ref.

-Chip Towers of the AJC.com is reporting that Mark Richt is going to get backup QB Joe Cox in almost every game. I'm not sure why he would say such a thing other than the fact he might be afraid Cox is thinking about transferring. If I was Richt it would take a huge lead for me to pull Matthew Stafford in favor of Joe Cox. By huge I mean 70 points of course.

-Can Colorado get any worse? Well apparently they might, now that the head coach Dan Hawkin's son is the leading candidate to be named starting QB. It just makes you wonder if those hippies up in Boulder know anything besides what to pack in their bowl. I feel bad for the Buffaloes. Wait a second, no I don't. It's vengeance for the Rocket's phantom clip call and their 5 down's.

-The Gators are looking for help in the secondary. Maybe Urban Meyer should call up some of Notre Dame's recruits and see what is on their mind.

-Speaking of Notre Dame, it appears the Irish have found a new star on defense in LB Toryan Smith. The Irish haven't had a stud linebacker since Kory Minor was sporting the face shield but it sounds like Smith is going to be a good one come September 1st against Georgia Tech. If Toryan loves to hit guys like he says he does, I hope he goes in with a "fuck those nerds" attitude against the Yellow Jackets.

MARK TEIXEIRA TRIBUTE SONG

It didn't take long for Atlanta Braves fans to jump on the Teixeira bangwagon. After watching him play a flawless first base last night in the sweltering bitch of a heat known as Hotlanta, I must admit I got a little bit of a man crush on Teixeira .

Via Deadspin.

VINCENT CHASE NOW DATING PETRI DISH?

Paris Hilton, or petri dish as I like to call her, was photographed last night with Vinnie Chase from Entourage at the 11th Hour premiere. Now I'm sure half of Hollywood is infected with something, but come on Vinnie!

Paris Hilton? This the same girl who fucked Matt Leinart and then 28 Days Later the whole USC squad was infected with some terrible disease that doctors could only classify as the "Paris"ite. God have mercy on Entourage and USC. God. Have. Mercy.

BECKHAM FINALLY SCORES

What in the hell was the goaltender thinking? I don't watch a lot of soccer, oh wait, football as the communists call it, but even I knew he was going to kick it to the left corner.

STILL RECOVERING BUT HERE IS A RECAP
It was so piss hot last night in Atlanta it made a small little miracle happen. When you drink 8 beers in about 6 innings the law of gravity should make you have to stop and take a leak at least once. But I guess when you sweat more than a Hollywood coke whore all the beer just kind of drips off of you.

Last night's game was one of the most spirited and fun to watch. Yes, Barry Bonds made eye contact with me and my 756* shirt in left field as I stood and mocked him with my unoriginal "Balco" chant as he came limping out to left field in the first inning. The first thing I noticed about Barry is he is smaller than the last time I saw him in San Diego three seasons ago. I presumed he stopped using the cattle roids because I didn't hear him moo one time. Now that I think of it, even Barry would enjoy being a cow...

I have to hand it to Barry, he takes a lot of shit and doesn't let it faze him at all. But I guess we already knew this about Barry being Barry: he doesn't care what any of us think about him thus the disregard for actually caring about the integrity of the game.

Yes he hit a homerun and yes some stupid ass people cheered him as he rounded the bases. This is the Atlanta Braves fan factor. Adolph Hitler or Ty Cobb could have been rounding the bases and yet a pack of toothless, jean short wearing, Bass Hat leaning douchebags would be cheering because they have absolutely no clue. It's sad but once you expect it and experience it a lot you come to the realization that there is a small segment of our society which is made up of degenerate embryos that somehow survived. Again, this is a small portion of the Atlanta crowd. Most fans have some sliver of intelligence and just flat out booed because A)he plays for the opposing team, B)Bond's HR just tied up a game, C)the Braves need to win to stay in the playoff hunt, and D)it's Barry fucking Bonds, you can't cheer him.

The game also had 3 ejections. Bobby "The Lord of the Ejection" Cox gone thrown out early when arguing a Tim Hudson balk call. I don't know how anybody can not love Cox. Wait, that didn't sound right. Ryan Klesko got thrown out for arguing balls and strikes and I will be the first to admit he got screwed on the third strike. The pitch was near his chin. Towards the end I believe Bruce Bochy got ejected but I could be wrong, I was knee deep in empty beer bottles.

All in all the game was fun. I couldn't get too rowdy because I counted 4 cops and 5 security guys in our left field section alone. I guess the Braves officials were worried about people not enjoying the future Hall of Famer,greatest player ever visiting Turner field.

HMM, I wonder why?

HEADING OFF TO SEE THE FREAK SHOW
Me and the old lady have tickets to the Braves game tonight against the San Francisco Giants(half the team is on Social security by the way) and you can only guess where our seats are located.

132L...which stands for left field bleachers. Yes, yours truly will be right behind Barry Bonds for nine innings.

Will I be drunk? Yes.

Will I remind Barry Bonds he is a piece of shit? Yes.

Will I chant Sid Breams name in honor of the best game I have ever personally attended? Of course.

So if you are watching TBS tonight and hear someone slurring "my shiat has more integritys thanz yourz Mr. Bonds" it will more than likely be coming from my mouth. Anyways, my plan is to come home and tell you the loyal Sportscrack readers what exactly went down...but forgive me if tonight I appear a little off.

KILL ME ALREADY
15 excruciating days left till I fill my fix. Until then we always will have Rocket...

Damn, I miss Tony Robert's calls on Westwood One.

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY
Ice Cube, aka the poor mans actor's version of Cuba Gooding Jr. these days, had one of the greatest songs/raps back in the day. I have no reason for posting this other than I just ran into it on youtube and felt like giving the readers a little taste into what I used to listen to back in the day. No, I'm not black, but damn, Momma cooked the breakfast with no hog....

WHO'S ASS IS IT?
This might be the easiest one yet. I will give you some clues. She does more blow than the whole 1986 Met's team and blows more pole than Jeff Garcia's fake wife (NSFW).
Click here for answer.

CORWIN'S 3-4 ARMY T-SHIRT
Here is a preview of a new shirt coming out tomorrow for all you Notre Dame fans.

In honor of the new defensive coordinator, Corwin Brown, we decided to make a shirt for people to display the new attitude and philosophy he will bring to the Irish starting this fall.

The first picture is the front of the shirt with the slogan "Corwin's 3-4 Army" and will be available in dark irish green and navy. Both shirts will have gold lettering.


The second picture is the back of the shirt with the Sportscrack logo along with the slogan "Locked and Loaded."


As always a portion of all t-shirt sales will go to the American Cancer Society.
The price of the shirt is $17.

Shirts will go on sale starting tonight at midnight eastern time.