SPORTSCRACK 2009 NFL MOCK DRAFT

Staff and Knowshon thought the women in Athens were good, wait till they see the NFL 'gina.

Here is the annual Sportscrack NFL Mock Draft. As usual the requirements for this mock draft were cheat sheets from insider scouts such as Mel Kiper and Todd McShay and our own basic knowledge of college football. And lots of beer. To help with the draft I asked my buddy Felix to partake. In other words I threatened him. He obliged after I removed the raw ether soaked rag. They always do. You will notice his writing. It has complete sentences and proper grammar. Nancy Shakespeare writing I call it.

1. Detroit (0-16)-Matthew Stafford, Georgia, QB-The Lions were the only perfect team in the NFL last year so things are looking up in Detroit. Oh wait, by perfect I meant to say they perfected shitholeness. Detroit has a ton of needs and one of those is QB's. The jury is still out on Matthew Stafford much like it was with Matt Ryan last year. Stafford played in the toughest conference and put up admirable numbers although he was overshadowed by Tim Tebow for good reason. Stafford has the arm and the intelligence to be a good NFL QB. But will Detroit put enough pieces around him to make him a success? We will see as Lions fans will get to see Stafford throw bombs to Calvin Johnson for at least the next few seasons.

2. St. Louis (2-14) - Jason Smith, Baylor, OT - (Felix pick) -
Apparently the Rams need a tackle and Jason Smith is a stand-up guy. He's not lazy or crazy like Andre Smith, who will still probably crack the top 10 on the draft board.

Before we go on, I need to disclose something to our trusty readers. I'm using ESPN and other experts as a cheat sheet for this mock draft. I know very little about trying to evaluate the needs of any particular team, or ranking the talents and skills of those available for the draft. If I didn't have these cheat sheets available, I might have taken Percy Harvin at #2 because his speed won me a lot of games on NCAA '09 for PS3 against other online gaming degenerates. His speed helped me crack the top 20 rankings nationwide. And although he seemed to get injured every time I ever played against Ohio State, his ability to take the game over could revive "The Greatest Show on Turf."


3. Kansas City (2-14) - Aaron Curry, Wake Forest, LB-
The Chiefs need help on both sides of the line but Aaron Curry is too talented to pass up at linebacker. This Wake and bake linebacker has runningback speed and can close with the best of them. A student of the game, Curry should step in right away and start once training camp opens. With new QB Matt Cassel the Chiefs might elect to take an offensive tackle like Eugene Monroe to help protect their investment but I believe Curry is just too good to pass up. Plus the Chiefs can always trade up to get an o-lineman in the 2nd or 3rd.

4. Seattle (4-12) - Eugene Monroe, Virginia, OT - (Felix pick)-
Eugene Monroe isn't as lazy or crazy as Andre Smith either. In fact, so far Matt and I have the same first four picks as Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. So where the fuck are our huge paychecks? I hope the even numbers of the first round aren't loaded with offensive linemen. Trying to talk about fat slobs is boring. My fat slob tolerance is already pushed to the limits since Charlie Weis is head coach of my beloved Fighting Irish.

5. Cleveland (4-12) - Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech, WR -
Does anything good besides Lebron James come out of Cleveland? The Browns continue their dumb shit moves this offseason by hiring Eric Mangini. Now they want to get rid of Brady Quinn and Braylon Edwards, two supreme talents who deserve to be playing anywhere besides Cleveland. I think Crabtree is going to be a good pro but his career could be fucked in Cleveland. It's the abyss of pro football. Drafting receivers this high usually don't pan out. Look up the numbers because I'm too fucking lazy to do it for you.

6. Cincinnati (4-11-1) - Andre Smith, Alabama, OT - (Felix Pick)-
What did I JUST SAY about even numbers draft picks and offensive linemen? Fuck. So the Bungles want a crazy and lazy dude to protect the knees of Carson Palmer. Brilliant move. But I could really care less. I don't like the USC Trojans or anything associated with them, so his health is not of my concern.

And in just a few weeks time, we'll hear Roger Goodell say, "With the sixth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bungles select Andre Smith, allowing the University of Alabama to claim another National Championship."

7. Oakland (5-11) - Darrius Heyward-Bey, Maryland, WR -
Al Davis loves speed guys and Heyward-Bey is the fastest player in this draft. Heyward-Bey didn't get a lot of recognition at Maryland because he lacked a QB and because it was Maryland for christ sake. Nobody gives a shit about football in Garyland. In the first wow pick the Raiders will take Heyward-Bey over the likes of Percy Harvin and Jeremy Maclin. Al Davis wouldn't have it any other way.

8. Jacksonville (5-11) - Jeremy Maclin, Missouri, WR - (Felix pick) -
Sweet. Not an offensive lineman.

So as I mentioned earlier, I am using the mock drafts of Mel Kiper and Todd McShay from ESPN.com as a cheat sheet to help me through this. Which leads me to what I REALLY want to talk about. Has anybody else noticed the absolute disdain that Kiper and McShay have for each other? It is painfully obvious each time they are on camera together, that they genuinely dislike each other. ...to be continued...

9. Green Bay (6-10) - Brian Orakpo, Texas, DE -The Packers are going with defense in the first round and have their choice of defensive standouts at this pick. I believe Michael Johnson will be the better pro but I think the Packers like O-Sack-Po more. They could also go with that tub of goo out of Boston College to play nose tackle. Kiper an McShay can argue over this while having make up sex. Those two were made for each other.

10. San Francisco (7-9) - Mark Sanchez, USC, QB -
The Alex Smith experiment looks like it's over. Actually it should have been over as soon as Urban Meyer left for Florida. QB's are a crapshoot in the draft and the 49ers need one badly so they are going to take Sanchez. I could tell you this is a good pick or I could tell you it's a bad pick. Honestly I have no fucking clue. I thought Leinart would be good in the pros. My gut tells me Sanchez will be at least serviceable in the NFL. I don't think he will be a star but I think he can win some games for the 49ers. So that is all you are getting from me in regards to some guy who went to USC. Just talking about Dirty Sanchez makes me want to bathe in vinegar.

11. Buffalo (7-9) - Aaron Maybin, Penn State, DE -
The Bills need a pass rushing specialist who can be effective on the speed rush and Maybin is the guy. Maybin is a little under weight for the role but he should be able to put on some once he starts eating Buffalo Wings. And drink lots of beer. It's called the Fairchild diet, I do it at least twice a week. Sometimes more. I think Maybin will be a good pro and I also think the Bills can contend next season. I wouldn't be surprised if they took Tyson Jackson out of LSU with this pick either.

12. Denver (8-8) - B.J. Raji, Boston College, DT -
The Broncos have a horrible defense and need to build it up starting within. B.J. Raji, if he drops this far, is the best defensive tackle in the draft and should start right away in Denver. Raji came out of nowhere last year and dominated up in Backup College so buyers should be aware of a one hit wonder.

13. Washington (8-8) - Tyson Jackson, LSU, DE -
The Deadskins need a defensive end to rush the passer more than they need a QB who could be a failure. Jackson is another LSU product who would start right away in Washington. The Redskins don't seem to be too happy with Jason Campbell at quarterback but taking Josh Freeman here would be a big mistake in my opinion. The guy has terrible vision and Jackson is a disruptive force who should play in the league for a while.

14. New Orleans (8-8) - Beanie Wells, Ohio State, RB -
Let's be completely honest here. Reggie Bush is not an every down back and either is Beanie. But put them together and you got one hell of a Thunder and Lightning combo that could dominate in the NFC South. The Saints have a need for a defensive back but they know that offense sells tickets and with Beanie they could have one of the best in the NFL.

15. Houston (8-8) - Brian Cushing, USC, LB -
Holy shit, I can't believe I'm taking this roided up cock knocker from USC at 15th. I guess I'm falling for the hype. I've watched Cush play a lot and he doesn't impress me too much. Seems more like a pile jumper. But the NFL scouts love him and somehow he has managed to get another urine sample to pass the drug test. Probably that Mexican Sanchez. Mexicans will do anything for money. Don't believe me? Two words: Donkey show. Or leaf blower if you prefer.

16. San Diego (8-8) - Michael Oher, Ole Miss, OT -
The Chargers are apparently in love with UCONN RB Donald Brown, why I don't know, but Oher will be too tantalizing to pass up. Oher should be a top ten pick and the Chargers are getting a steal with him just like when they got Marcus McNeil 3 years ago. He will play right tackle and open up holes for Darren Sproles to squirt through. Why no mention of Tomlinson? Because this is a no 'gina sports blog.

17. New York Jets (9-7) - Rey Maualuga, USC, LB -
This guy is one nasty mother fucker. I mean it in a good way. Rey Rey is an explosive inside linebacker who punishes people. Hurts them. Rings bells. Knocks people out. He is what you want in an inside linebacker. He has his injury concerns but a talent like this is too hard to pass up. He could make an impact like Pomalulu did in Pittsburgh. And I say this only because they look alike and both went to USC. I'm into generalizations if you haven't already figured it out.

18. Denver (from Chicago)(9-7) - Connor Barwin, Cincinnati, DE/LB -
The Broncos got Raji with their 12th pick and now will take Barwin to play OLB. Barwin can be all over the field and is being compared to Adalius Thomas by NFL scouts. As we all know the Broncos need defensive help, and now a QB because Kyle Orton is a walking Jack Daniels bottle. Barwin will be too tough to pass but I'm not going to lie here. I would love to see them trade one of their picks and get Brady Quinn. Quinn could do legendary things in Denver. In Cleveland he will just rot.

19. Tampa Bay (9-6) - Josh Freeman, Kansas State, QB -
The Succaneers need a future franchise QB and instead of trading for one they will take Josh Freeman. Freeman has a big arm and big body that some scouts are comparing to Daunte Culpepper and/or Ben Roethlisberger. I don't see it but what the fuck do I know? Beer. I know beer pretty well. Too well.

20. Detroit (from Dallas) (9-7) - Robert Ayers, Tennessee, DE/LB -
The Lions need talent at every position. With the drafting of Matthew Stafford they have their future QB. They need to address their linebacking core besides Ernie Sims. Ayers fits the mold. Ayers is explosive and can play with a hand down or at outside linebacker.

21. Philadelphia (9-6-1) - Knowshon Moreno, Georgia, RB -
Can you say steal? Special K has been destroying SEC defenses the past two seasons playing behind a suspect offensive line in Athens. I can only imagine what he will do running behind newly acquired left tackle Jason Peters, whom Andy Reid called the best left tackle in the game. The Eagles can groom Knowshon to replace the aging Brian Westbrook. If the Eagles can get Anquan Boldin they will have one their best offseason ever and should make Donovan McNabb a very happy man.

22. Minnesota (10-6) - Phil Loadholt, Oklahoma, OT -
The Vikings need a right tackle and Loadholt is the best one left on the board. This 6'8, 320 pound specimen was a force in Norman and kept Sam Bradford's uniform oxyclean during his Heisman campaign. This year his duty will be to keep Tavaris Jackson from looking like...Tavaris Jackson. Yeah, good luck with that.

23. New England (11-5) - James Laurinaitis, Ohio State, ILB -
The Patriots are looking for another inside linebacker to team up with last year's rookie sensation Jerod Mayo and the Little Animal would be the perfect fit. Laurinaitis has dropped a lot in the minds of scouts but the Patriots seem to know what they are doing most of the time and the Ohio State product is a football player who can make an impact in the NFL.

24. Atlanta (11-5) - Peria Jerry, Ole Miss, DT -
Everybody, and I mean everybody, has the Falcons taking TE Brandon Pettigrew with this pick. Pettigrew is graded the best tight end in this draft but the Falcons have much bigger needs than tight end receiver. They need defense. It's the only reason why they didn't win the NFC last year. Jerry is a big, punishing defensive tackle that can step in and replace Grady Jackson next season. Plus the Falcons can get another tight end, say a Chase Coffman or Travis Beckum, later in the draft so there is absolutely no reason to draft Pettigrew here.

25. Miami (11-5) - Clay Matthews, USC, LB -
The Dolphins need an outside linebacker to replace the aging Joey Porter and Matthews seems to be the best one left on the board according to scouts. Matthews comes from an NFL pedigree, the 4th who will play in the league once drafted, and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Not the greatest athletically, he knows his assignments and is a fundamentally strong football player. The Dolphins could go Hakeem Nicks here but South Beach might be a little too much for puff-puff.

26. Baltimore (11-5) - Brandon Pettigrew, Oklahoma State, TE -
The Ravens have a need at ILB but Pettigrew will be too good to pass up this late in the first round. Pettigrew has been graded as the best tight end in the past 3 drafts and should look good in Raven's purple and black. Joey Flacco needs a dependable dump off receiver with Todd Heap who just can't stay healthy for a whole season. If the Ravens decide to go defense I see them taking Larry English or Vontae Davis with the pick.

27. Indianapolis (12-4) - Vontae Davis, Illinois, CB -
The Colts have the offense so they need to address the defense. Davis had an up-and-down 2008 season in Champaign but his athleticism is off the charts. The brother of 49ers tight end Vernon Davis, Vontae can play lockdown defense and would look good teamed up with Kelvin Hayden at CB.

28. Buffalo (from Philly via Carolina) (12-4) - Eben Britton, Arizona, OT -
I have no idea who this Britton guy is. I just saw his name as being available for top offensive tackle so I said why not. The Bills have to replace Jason Peters now that they shipped him to Philly.

29. New York Giants (12-4) - Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina, WR -
Supposedly this pick is going to be traded to the Cleveland Browns for Braylon Edwards but since it hasn't yet I got the Giants taking Nicks. Nicks is a tall receiver who could replace the departed Plax at wideout. Braylon would be a hell of a pickup for the Giants. He needs to get out of Cleveland as does Brady Quinn. Either way with Nicks or Braylon you get a big target for Eli.

30. Tennessee (13-3) - Alex Mack, California, C -
I know it's not a sexy pick but Mack makes sense for the Titans. They could take Percy Harvin with this pick but I see Jeff Fischer and his gang being more conservative and going with the reliable Mack. He will eventually replace Kevin Mawae and won't be a distraction with the drugs like Harvin. But since he did go to Berkeley he might have to bring a tree with him to hug.

31. Arizona (9-7) - Donald Brown, UCONN, RB -
The Edge is old and worn out and Brown appears to be the best back left on the NFL draft board. Brown is an every down back who can pass block. Will he keep Kurt Warner happy? Of course he will. When has Warner never not been happy? God's light shines down on his crazy wife every day.

32. Pittsburgh (12-4) - Alphonso Smith, Wake Forest, CB -
The Steelers need corners. Alphonso Smith is a very good corner. No more explaining, you get it.

So there you have it. 3 wide receivers taken in the first 9 picks. 2 QB's in the first 10 picks. And yet those are the picks that usually don't pan out. To live and die by the sword of the college offensive star. NFL teams can't help but take the pretty girl with the big boobs. Nor can we.