THE NON-SOCCER FAN’S GUIDE TO ENJOYING THE WORLD CUP

As a rabid soccer fan for most of my life (I haven’t missed a game since 1994, the first year the tournament was widely broadcast in the US), you might think that I am the last person to know how an average American sports fan might get interested in a “foreign” sport like soccer. But the fact is that over the years I have had a chance to convert many people from non-participators to rabid fans, and there is no better opportunity to do that than The World Cup.

I understand entirely that soccer can be difficult and even boring to watch at times, especially if you don’t know what the hell is going on. Trust me that I have seen games played at the top level that are just plain painful to watch, full of diving, crying, and cheap shots, and all of them have involved Cristiano Ronaldo. But apart from hotly contested league matches in England or Italy, The World Cup is generally the most exciting soccer you can see, especially in the early rounds when teams are trying to assert themselves and get into the knockout stages.

But let’s not concern ourselves with any of that. I am here to talk to the guys that hate the game. I’m not here to tell you why it’s great, to learn the rules, to study the history and to suddenly become some kind of multi-culti pansy that people like me are repelled by. Not at all. Instead, I want you to have a reason to join the party, despite the fact that you think soccer is for Euro-trash and illegals. So here we go:



A) It’s a chance to be fiercely patriotic:

The US is progressing. We have a passable and improving professional league with an increasingly talented pool of players. Most of our guys have proven themselves in Europe’s best leagues. But we’re still pretty weak in the eyes of the world, and the World Cup is a chance for us to stick it to some elitist, pompous asses who don’t give us a chance. We are a country that is used to winning everything it really wants to, and soccer is the last place in the world where America isn’t feared. Well, if that doesn’t get you fired up, you’re not my audience.

The last time the US faced England in The World Cup we won, 1-0. It happened in 1950, and nobody here cared, but the English hate to be reminded of it. Even if they beat us on Saturday by twenty goals, their record against us in major competitions will only be 1-1. Don’t let them forget that.

I love England, and will pull for them in every game but ours. They have been our best friend since we booted them, their taxation, their syphillis and their in-bred king off of our shores, but for 90 minutes on Saturday they are the enemy, and that’s some fun stuff. All the rest of the countries involved? Well, I’m sure I can come up with a reason to hate each of them with a passion for 90 minutes, and so can you. If you treat each match-up with that same blind xenophobia, you will have something invested in all 64 matches.

So get out there and root for The Yanks if for no other reason but to rub it in somebody’s face that doesn’t look like you. And when we eventually get eliminated (and we will), I’m sure one of your ancestors escaped from one of the remaining countries a hundred plus years ago. Adopt that hell-hole for the rest of the month and support them with a passion. This might be your best chance ever to score with a foreign girl. Trust me, they’re usually drunk.

B, C, and D) If you need any other reasons, you can go to Hell


There you go! Enjoy The World Cup!

Hopefully I’ll get asked back as we go to blog about whatever is interesting to me during the Cup. I also hope this offended some people. Please let me know in the comments section.

Signed,

Captain America*

*=in no way related to or in violation of Marvel Comics and their creations