LEBRON JAMES TO THE MIAMI HEAT

Just to save everyone the embarrassment that is tonight's "Lebron James ESPN Fellatio Special" I figured I would give you a heads up and tell you that multiple sources (my split personality, the mailman, the neighborhood drunk, and other various news outlets) are indicating Lebron will sign with the Miami Heat.

Lolifuckingdoo.

He will now join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh to form the NBA's newest "Big Three." The Heat are now the odds-on favorite to win the Eastern Conference with three superstars all entering the peak of their careers. Good for them.

At least the Hawks signed Joe Johnson to a $119 million dollar deal. Brilliant idea by the Hawks front office by the way. JJ contract won't be a complete albatross on the franchise in two years when his career is all but over and no team will take his dead rotting carcass off their hands.

But anyways, enough with the Hawks. The Heat with Lebron, Wade, and Bosh will be nasty and should win 65 plus games a season on talent alone. Will they win championships? I think they could win a couple but they will still have their hands full with Orlando (who's going to match up with Dwight Howard) and the Lakers have a better all-around team from top to bottom than the Heat. Lebron could get a ring but it still won't put him up there with MJ much less Kobe.

Now the question remains: Which new teammate bangs Lebron's mom first? I'm going to go wildcard and go with Pat Riley. How else do you think they convinced him to sign in Miami? Pat has his ways.