WILL YOU JUST FIRE THIS GUY ALREADY

On Friday the Braves managed to hit rock bottom in terms of hitting by managing 2 fucking hits all game against some dinosaur named Jamie Moyer. Without the J-Hey Kid in the lineup the Braves are a collection of neanderthals aka Zane Smiths out there. They can't hit worth a shit. At all. Check out these stats.

Team Batting Average: .232 (27th of 30)
Runs Scored: 121 (25th of 30)
Home Runs: 18 (27th of 30)
RBIs: 114 (25th of 30)
Slugging Percentage: .337 (28th of 30)

They have been sitting in timeout for the last 5 years with Terry Pendleton as their hitting coach and it continues to get worse. Bobby Cox or Frank Wren don't have the balls to fire him because somehow they think their hitters will either come around or it's not entirely TP's fault. I can hear the laughter now. It's a collection of Kelly Johnson, Adam Laroche, and Andruw Jones cracking up with the mere thought of TP as the hitting coach. I loved Pendleton as a player but I really can't stand him as a "coach."

There is some thought among sportswriters in Atlanta that the only reason why Pendleton hasn't been fired is because he will be Cox's replacement next year. Fuck. It's on par with FSU naming Jimbo Fisher as successor to another Bobby, Bowden. It's going to get bad. Real bad. Just fire TP now. The season can still be saved.

FACE OF THE NBA

You can have all your talk about Kobe or Lebron or even Dwight being the face of the NBA but I don't want to hear it. When it comes to Canadian white point guards none of those fools can match up with the Sun's Steve Nash. Look at that face. It's the face of an angel. On acid.

In honor of Nash leading the Suns to a sweep of the San Antonio Spurs I demand all SportsCrack heads out there to Netflix the outrageous Canadian movie "Trailer Park Boys-Countdown to Liquor Day." If you haven't seen these guys in action you are seriously missing out. Bubbles is my hero. Here is a little sneak peak of the film that never made it to American theaters because we are too fucking stupid to handle Canadian redneck humor...


Image HT: Extra Mustard

PEGGY'S FEMALE PLUG-IN FRESHNESS

Angus beef and beer smell...ahhhh....it's amazing how far feminine products have come these days...

OHIO STATE SAYS FU NOTRE DAME

Ohio State would like to be known as the queen of horrific music videos with this "Glee" inspired flash mob dance....


Wow! The gayness factor was through the roof on this one but what did you expect, it's Columbus. I still think the Notre Dame one is more embarrassing. The Midwest schools should just do what they do best: lose big time in BCS Bowl games.

LAWRENCE TAYLOR'S MUGSHOT SAYS IT ALL

Last night I watched this program on Lawrence Taylor and Tara Conner (former Miss USA who tested positive for drugs) talking about their battles with substance abuse and I was thinking to myself "good they finally kicked their demons." Talk about an all-time jinx. Last night LT was busted in New York City for rape of a 15-year-old girl...

Police in New York arrested former Giants LB Lawrence Taylor and accused him of raping a 15-year-old girl on Thursday.

Taylor was held after being arrested by Ramapo, N.Y., police and charged with third-degree rape.

The allegations stemmed from an incident at the Holiday Inn in Suffern, N.Y., Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel told the Journal News.

Ramapo police supervisor Christopher St. Lawrence told the Journal News that the victim was a runaway from the Bronx and that she had been assaulted.

"She was a runaway since March and there was a pimp involved," St. Lawrence told the paper. "She got punched in the face. We're not sure who did it."

Third degree rape is statutory in case you were wondering. I think the mug shot pretty much paints the picture for LT. The guy has to be back on crack right? And we're not talking about the good ole SportsCrack. Those eyes have "crack pipe" and "pimp" written all over it. It's sad to think LT has thrown away most of his adult life due to drugs. He can't even remember his kids growing up for the most part because he was so consumed with addiction. Last night on the program which I believe was on A&E he talked about being clean for over a decade and how he would never go back to drugs because it would kill him. There really is nothing funny to say. The guy is just fucked up and needs to get some help by spending some time in jail.

THANKS BOBBY COCKS

You can always rely on the government to fuck up something so simple even if it's a spelling of a name. Bobby Cox was honored yesterday on Capitol Hill with a cake that read "Thanks for 50 Great Years Bobby Cocks!" DC should be honoring Cox after all the Nationals seem to get half their win total versus the Bravos. Maybe one of these days Bobby will wake up and realize your leadoff batters shouldn't have the worst on base percentage on the team and your best hitter shouldn't be batting 6th in the lineup. Nah! Eat your cake buddy.

Image HT: D.C. Sports Bog

RIP ERNIE HARWELL

Baseball lost a legend yesterday as long time Detroit Tigers announcer and Hall of Famer Ernie Harwell passed at the age of 92. Harwell is an icon in Detroit and will be missed dearly. Ernie goes out as a class act and will surely be impossible to replace. RIP Ernie Harwell.

CONAN O'BRIEN'S 60 MINUTES INTERVIEW

Conan O'Brien's 60 Minutes Inner Monologue - watch more funny videos

What better way to celebrate Cinco De Mayo than to have a fellow Mexican talk about getting screwed over by the man? It's a shame when Mexicans like Conan can no longer get solid jobs in the States because of their cheese belly's. I mean is it not obvious that Conan is clearly more funny and relevant than Leno? I'm going to pour one of Mexico's finest beers of Guinness out today for Conan, a native Mexican with his dark complexion. Senor Dingdong would be proud.

PHILLIES FAN GETTING TASERED

Fucking awesome. Brings tears to these eyes to see some douchebag Phillies fan getting tasered in front of 40,000 plus screaming maniacs in Philadelphia. They should make this a new sport. It would be like the 8 seconds on a bull. The person who lasts the longest on the field at Citizen's Bank Park before getting tasered wins season tickets or Chase Utley's jock strap.

In case you were wondering the kid being tasered is a teenager and is going to a school we can all relate to...

Wayne Consalvi told the newspaper that his son was not drinking and he wasn't on drugs. Steve Consalvi is "a real good student, heading to Penn State," his father told the Philadelphia Daily News.

Now it makes perfect sense. The kid should be wearing a State Penn shirt. Kids will never learn.

ARKANSAS PEOPLE SOUND INTELLIGENT

I have nothing against Arkansas people. Why would I? But why is this "guy" and I use the term loosely just hanging out in his truck like it's nothing after being thrown around by a tornado in it? The only reason I can think of is he probably has no pants on. That is the great thing about Arkansas. Pants are optional.

Video HT: BarStoolSports

THE WHITE WOMEN'S WORKOUT

Works every time...

White Women's Workout - watch more funny videos

GOOD MUSIC VIDEO TO GO OUT

I couldn't let you go into the weekend thinking of that garbage Notre Dame music video so I present "Chica Bomb." It's the perfect elixir for the soul as we head into a great weekend. And by soul I mean boner.

Peace!

YOUR KENTUCKY DERBY PREVIEW

I could ramble on for days about horses running around a track at ridiculous speeds but that would be boring. Instead I offer you some inside footage of The Kentucky Derby you won't be seeing tomorrow on television.

First we have a Southern Belle who loves her Mint Juleps (the official drink of the Derby)...


The infield is where the finest mud wrestling in Kentucky becomes legendary...


You have to bring the essentials to the Derby: Weed and toilet paper...


Then of course you got the infield Drunk slap off at 3 pm...


And then the race itself which is a time honored tradition. I'm talking about the Porta Potty Race of course...

BEST NEWS FAILS COMPILATION

THE NEW MATT KEMP "THE BISON" T-SHIRT

I've gotten a ton of requests for us at SportsCrack to make a Dodger's themed shirt. I figured a Rihanna's boy toy shirt wouldn't sell as well as this new one called "The Bison." Matt Kemp earned the nickname when the Dodgers were playing the Atlanta Braves and soul glo announcer Don Sutton mentioned Kemp looked "like a big buffalo running around the bases" as he stole his first major league base. Jon Weisman's popular Dodgers blog, Dodger Thoughts, ran with "The Bison" and it has stuck with him ever since.

Get your "The Bison" t-shirt and show your love for Rihanna's favorite boy toy in Matt Kemp...

WHAT. THE. FUCK. NOTRE DAME?

I was about to blog about Brian Kelly and his staff absolutely crushing it on the recruiting trail lately but then this monstrosity of a Notre Dame production "hip hop" video showed up in my inbox and all I can say is they better have those kids signed to binding letters. This has got to be the worst school music video I have ever heard. Babies can create better looking shits than this pooh.

Seriously after watching this video I think I hate Notre Dame. Or at least who ever decided this would be a good idea.

The Pope called Notre Dame today to thank them for creating something more embarrassing than a Catholic priest.

Feel free to leave your jokes in the comment section. Notre Dame deserves them after creating this piece of shit.

TP IS FOR BUNGHOLES

The Braves again "managed" to lose their 9th straight game today in embarrassing fashion in St. Louis. They scored 4 runs which I believe is a season high since the Opening Day massacre of the Cubs...sarcasm folks. The Braves should be scoring a lot more runs. Everyone knows this. Their lineup is not this bad. It's their hitting coach who "manages" to fuck up their offense by offering absolutely nothing to the team.

Let's take a look at what some of the recent Braves departures are doing since they escaped the wrath of TP...

KELLY JOHNSON: Last year hit .224 with 8 HRs, 29 RBIs and an OPS of .692 while losing his job to Martin Prado.
This year in Arizona he is hitting .320 with 9 HRs, 18 RBIs and an OPS of 1.203 while leading the Majors in long balls.

JEFF FRANCOEUR: Last year hit .250 with 5 HRs, 35 RBIs and an OPS of .634 before being traded to the Mets.
Since the trade he has hit over .300 with 13 HRs, 53 RBIs and an OPS of .837 in 99 games.

KJ and Frenchy were two highly regarded Braves prospects who continued to hit worse in the Bigs under the tutelage of Pendleton. One could say it's a coincidence but then you have to keep in mind that the Braves best hitters in Brian McCann and Chipper Jones go to their Dads for hitting advice rather than consult TP.

The Braves rank last in the league with a .228 batting average. Nate McLouth was an All-Star outfielder for the Pirates before coming over to the Braves. Now he's a .146 hitter. Melky Cabrera was "decent" in Yankee pinstripes and now he comes to a less pressure situation in Atlanta and he can't even sniff the Mendoza line. Troy Glaus is a shell of his former self. Yunel Escobar is constantly in LA LA land and on any other team would have been benched for his fuck ups on the field. Pendleton hasn't done shit with any of these batters making adjustments.

Right now I'm scared he is going to screw up The J-Hey Kid. Already Bobby Cox is complaining about him taking too many pitches. Jesus F-ing Christ! Heyward is not the problem Bobby! Look at what Adam Laroche is doing in Arizona. Check out Andruw Jones in Chicago and what Casey Kotchman is looking like in Seattle. One or two guys maybe a coincidence but when it reaches 10 or more players then I'm positive the problem is the hitting coach or lack there of one in TP. It's time to make a change. Don't let him fuck up Heyward. Loyalty can only take you so far Bobby and right now it's taking you straight to last place in your final season at The Ted.

"TP IS FOR BUNGHOLES!" is what my buddy Andrew texted me today when describing the Braves performance in 2010. Who knew that a visionary named Beavis would be so correct?...

MOTIVATIONAL PICTURE OF THE DAY

Big ass HT to George Lee for posting this picture.

OLDIE BUT A GOODIE

Star Wars: WTF! - watch more funny videos

I just had to post this. I'm not sure why it makes me laugh so hard but just seeing Hans Solo's face is priceless. Who knew George Lucas had such a warped sense of humor?

ST. LOUIS RAMS FAN OR NEW MULTIMILLIONAIRE?

Does this look like the face of a guy who just won $258 million dollars in the Powerball by spending $5 on tickets when he only had $28.96 in his checking account while trying to feed 3 kids? Why yes it is. This Show Me State resident showed his pearly whites yesterday as he accepted his winnings for being the lucky bastard to have the winning numbers in the Powerball game. Chances of him having the money or even living past 5 years has to be 10%. He does kind of have that Sam Bradford "oh shit I'm a new multimillionaire in Missouri" look on his face.

QUICK THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST ROUND

1. St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, University of Oklahoma-David Carr 2.0. He is going to get destroyed in St. Louis.
2. Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh, DT, University of Nebraska-Absolute steal of a pick even at #2. The Rams will regret not taking House of Spears for years to come.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy, DT, University of Oklahoma-Should be serviceable but I have my doubts of him ever being a Pro Bowler with his size.
4. Washington Redskins - Trent Williams, OT, University of Oklahoma-He did a great job of protecting Bradford...oh wait.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry, S, University of Tennessee-Grand Theft Berry is the closest thing to a sure bet as Suh is. Ed Reed 2.0 and a great pick for the Chiefs.
6. Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State University-Only gave up a sack once in his career. Walter Jones replacement.
7. Cleveland Browns - Joe Haden, CB, University of Florida-Kid plays hard all the time. Might not be the fastest cover corner but he will be a good pro.
8. Oakland Raiders - Rolando McClain, LB, Univeristy of Alabama-I actually really like this pick for the Raiders. McClain is a future Pro Bowler. Congrats to Al Davis for not being so senile.
9. Buffalo Bills - C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson University-Good knowing you C. J. Have fun in Canada!
10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tyson Alualu, DT, University of California-What the fuck? Seriously Jaguars? The kid can play but why not trade down and get more picks?
11. San Francisco 49ers (from Denver) - Anthony Davis, OL, Rutgers-Great pick by the 49ers. Davis is another solid piece to an already good line in San Fran.
12. San Diego Chargers (from Miami) - Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno State-I have my doubts with Matthews but anybody could run for 1000 plus yards with the Chargers line.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - Brandon Graham, OLB, University of Michigan-As much as I hate Michigan and the Eagles I love this pick. Graham will be an All-Pro for many years.
14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) - Earl Thomas, S, University of Texas-Everyone seems to love Thomas. I'm not one of them. Berry is light years ahead of him.
15. New York Giants - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, University of South Florida-Sweet strip club last night Jason. Let me guess it was the Rosenhaus's idea?
16. Tennessee Titans - Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech-When he decides to play there is no better DE in this draft.
17. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina Panthers) - Mike Iupati, OG, University of Idaho-Never seen his face before yesterday. Gotta love the Samoans though.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, University of Florida-Nothing like celebrating in a double wide while making out with dudes while hitting your head on popcorn ceilings. You win Pouncey.
19. Atlanta Falcons - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, University of Missouri-I'm 50/50 on this pick. I wanted Graham for the Falcons but the Eagles traded up to nab him. Weatherspoon was the next best thing I suppose. We will see.
20. Houston Texans - Kareem Jackson, CB, University of Alabama-Had to get a corner to replace Dunta Robinson.
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Jermaine Gresham, TE, University of Oklahoma-Good pick by the Bengals but didn't they just draft a tight end last year in Chase Coffman?
22. Denver Broncos (from New England) - DeMaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech-Wow, the first receiver taken is Thomas. The kid was a stud in a triple option offense so he is used to catching ducks which should be plenty from Tebow.
23. Green Bay Packers - Bryan Bulaga, OT, University of Iowa-Kind of surprised he fell this far but also surprised they didn't take Dez Bryant. But then again they needed to protect Aaron Rodgers who maybe the best QB in the game. No joking.
24. Dallas Cowboys (from New England) - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State University-The Cowboys trade up to steal one from the Ravens. This pick has a Randy Moss feel to it. A lot of teams will regret not taking a chance on the kid.
25. Denver Broncos (from Baltimore) - Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida-I like Tebow. I really do. The kid does everything the right way and is a good football player and an even better human being. With that being said this was one of the dumbest selections ever. McDaniels is on the hotseat immediately.
26. Arizona Cardinals - Dan WIlliams, DT, University of Tennessee-Williams will be a better pro than Gerald McCoy. Just watch.
27. New England Patriots (from Dallas) - Devin McCourty, DB, Rutgers-Looked good on film. Holy Shit! Rutgers with 2 first round picks. USC, Georgia, and Notre Dame combine for 0.
28. Miami Dolphins (from San Diego) - Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State University-Probably a Miley Cyrus fan.
29. New York Jets - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State University-Who fucking knows.
30. Detroit Lions (from Minnesota) - Jahvid Best, RB, University of California-Big fan of Best and I hope he tears it up in Detroit. Suh and Best are great selections for the Lions. Seriously.
31. Indianapolis Colts - Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU-Not as quick as Dwight Freeney but could develop into a Pro Bowl type player for the Colts.
32. New Orleans Saints - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State University-Should have taken Sergio Kindle here. FSU players are overrated.

PENN STATE TAILGATERS LOVE THEIR MILEY CYRUS

Shit they don't even pretend not to like Miley Cyrus. I'm pretty sure playing anything Miley Cyrus at your tailgate is grounds for disturbing the peace much less a tailgate. I award you Penn State fans. Just when I think you can't get any more embarrassing you go out and totally redeem yourself.

BEST PART OF THE NFL DRAFT: MAURKICE POUNCEY SELECTION

It's good to know the Rooney family is getting rid of all the trash on their team by trading away Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes to the Jets and looking to deal Rapelisberger before he assaults another chick in some bar. It's classy guys like Florida center Maurkice Pouncey who love to bend over in front of Tim Tebow their whole college career and decide a double wide trailer would be the best place to celebrate getting drafted will bring the respect back to the Steelers organization. And to top it all off he not only loves to go "hogging" in Panama City but he also enjoys making out with dudes (yes, I know it's his twin brother which kind of makes it more weird) before heading off to a blue collar city like Pittsburgh.

Thank God the Steelers took Pouncey. He seems like a great fit for Pittsburgh. Double wide and all.

TAILGATING AT THE TED WIN OR LOSE WE ALWAYS BOOZE SHIRT

Cue the mother fucking $$$$$$ signs! This shirt has cult classic written all over it. Whenever you head down to The Ted to see The J-Hey Kid or Big Red throw another gem you have to be wearing this shirt if you plan on doing some serious tailgating. The chances of you getting a free beer in The Ted goes up tremendously with this tee and the chances of you getting laid are about 99.99999% guaranteed.

You can buy it now for immediate shipment at our STORE PAGE. And in case you were wondering this was designed by Dave Bregande. The idea was all mine but Dave agrees with me the Native Americans like the sauce a little too much. And before you send me some hate mail please remember that we are equal opportunity offenders here.

But it now!!!!

BRIAN KOWNACKI LEAPS THE CATCHER

Fordham's Brian Kownacki might have made the most athletic play on a baseball field I have ever seen. Seriously, can you think of a more unbelievable play? I can't.


Big HT to Dave Bregande for the clip. If you are looking for a professional graphic designer who does excellent work then I highly recommend contacting Dave.

MAYBE NOT THE BEST PLACE TO PUT THOSE K SIGNS

The unintentional hatred/comedy was through the roof last night at Safeco Field as Doug Fister (hence the K's with the fist) was mowing down Orioles batters (who hasn't) and some fan was posting K's right next to Jackie Robinson's retired 42 number. If you were wondering where Bartman has been hiding all these years I think we have found our answer. Now go ahead and hate this kid for no good reason.

Image HT: Deadspin

DAN BOYLE HAD MONEY RIDING ON THE AVALANCHE

The San Jose Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle must have had a lot of dough or a family members life dependent on the Colorado Avalanche last night because shit like this doesn't happen to you in the playoffs...


I would put Boyle on immediate suicide watch. I don't even know how you can fuck up this bad.

Video HT: HotClicks

SOME JASON HEYWARD FACTS

The legend of the J-Hey Kid continues to grow as yesterday Heyward got his second shaving cream pie in less than two weeks after hitting the game winning 2 RBI single with two outs in the ninth against the Rockies. The kid has an OPS over 1000 and has driven in 15 runs which is good for second in the majors. I think it's time for him to move up in the lineup. Just a hunch but I think J-Hey can handle the bat just fine batting in the leadoff spot. Here are some Jason Heyward facts sent in from Patrick who got it from Guyism.com...

1. Jason Heyward uses a bat made from one of Chuck Norris’ femurs.

2. Jason Heyward doesn’t strike-out. The balls are just so afraid of his bat that they refuse to be hit.

3. A man who went into cardiac arrest at Turner Field didn’t need to be resuscitated with adrenaline filled needles, someone just yelled “Jason Heyward,” and the man woke back up.

4. At 20, Jason Heyward can’t legally drink. But if he could, his drink would be made with Johnnie Walker Blue and the tears of opposing pitchers.

5. Jason Heyward hit so many bombs during spring training that he’s now on the TSA’s No-Fly List.

6. Jason Heyward once hit a home run so hard that it traveled through time and counted for the previous day’s game. Because of the extra runs, his team won and the MLB implemented the “Heyward Space Time Continuum Rule” in order to prevent future home runs from dictating the outcome of past games.

7. Atlanta doesn’t have a Bat Signal, they simply shine a picture of Jason Heyward in the sky when they need a bat-themed hero.

8. Jason Heyward once hit a ball so high that it blocked out the sun for two days. During those two days Stonehenge was constructed.

9. Eyjafjallajokull Volcano? That’s where Heyward’s second home run landed.

10. Bill Brasky often tells stories about his time with Jason Heyward.

THE CLEVELAND CAVS BONE THUGS N HARMONY PLAYOFF SONG

HT: Dave

Finally the NBA Playoffs are about to begin. Total homer pick here but I'm going to say Denver vs. Atlanta in the Finals. Those were my two favorite teams growing up and they are pretty much the only teams that I really watch these days. I want to see the Birdman vs. J-Smooth.

LIFE LESSONS WITH MR. T

How did Mr. T never become our Surgeon General? The guy was a fucking genius who would deliver all the hard hitting facts on how to make your life and the others around you better back in the 80's. Our country died a little bit when Mr. T vanished from the spotlight. Never forget Mr. T. I pity the fool who does.

ORLANDO HUDSON THINKS JERMAINE DYE CAN'T GET A JOB BECAUSE OF RACISM

Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports has a great read on possible racism in regards to black free agents in baseball. No BS either, this is what the Minnesota Twins Orlando Hudson thinks...

"You see guys like Dye without a job. Guy with [27 home runs and 81 RBIs] and can't get a job. Pretty much sums it up right there, no? You've got some guys who miss a year who can come back and get $5, $6 million, and a guy like Jermaine Dye can't get a job. A guy like Gary Sheffield, a first-ballot Hall of Famer, can't get a job. We both know what it is. You'll get it right. You'll figure it out. I'm not gonna say it because then I'll be in [trouble]. Call it what you want to,” Hudson said. “I ain’t fit to say it. After I retire I’ll say it. I’ve got a whole bunch of stuff to say after I retire."

Listen I have no fucking clue if there is racism among MLB executives but what I do know is that teams have shown interest in Dye and he has yet to sign. The Washington Nationals have offered him a contract and Dye turned them down. The reason why teams aren't offering Dye huge money to sign was because he was horrible in the 2nd half of 2009 ("batting .179 and slugging .297 while playing subpar defense in right field") and because he is 36 years old. Nobody wants a deteriorating 36 year old with declining stats for $5 million plus a season. It's the economics of the game.

And please don't start the Gary Sheffield argument. He's 41 years old and has never shown any loyalty to a team or teammates for that matter. Fuck him and his juicing ass.

But I guess I can see where Hudson is coming from since there are hardly any white players in the NBA. That's racism right?

I REMEMBER KIRBY PUCKETT BEING A LITTLE MORE CHUBBY

Image courtesy of The Big Lead

Life like my ass! Even Kirby Puckett Jr. is smirking at it. The Twinkies opened their new digs out yesterday at Target Field with a nice little victory over the Boston Red Sox. The ballpark looked great without snow and without a lake next to it. I guess I can dig the Puckett bronze statue. The guy was one of my favorite players growing up. I had a poster of Puckett thumb nailed on my wall. It was shredded down after the 1991 World Series. Let's just say I got a little piece of revenge on those white hanky waving bastards.

No hard feelings though since I've put all my hate into Lonnie Smith for that Series loss. Fucking coke head couldn't just look at his base coach. Is it so hard to just run as hard as possible to the white line Lonnie as you did on a little mirror?

AN AMERICAN ICON PRESENTS MICHAEL PHELPS

American Gold Medalist swimmer Michael Phelps was one of 9,239 people who decided taking in a Baltimore Orioles games seemed like a fun thing to do at the time. Of course the O's managed to lose another game to a very good Rays team and now sit at 1-6 and in the basement of the American League. But what does Phelps care? When I look at him here I can't help but think of Spicoli. "That was my skull! I'm so wasted!"

Image courtesy of AP

CHAN HO PARK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HOLD HIS SHIT TOGETHER

Talk about a candid interview you won't ever get with the likes of Tiger Woods who are so image conscious. This lovely interview with the New York Yankees Chan Ho Park is all about honesty and integrity. "I had a lot of diarrhea!" could instantly become a cult classic. The marketing possibilities are endless for the Yankees. You could do an Imodium Night or a Charmin Ultra Soft (my preferred ass wiping brand) give away. I don't even like Koreans or the Yankees but I would go to one of those free promotion nights.

PS-I don't really hate Koreans, just their food. Gives me the shits.

Video HT: Jeff

TIGER WOODS YOU SUCK!

Tiger Woods cost me a $5 bet with my wife yesterday by finishing 4th. I made the bet thinking he would win the Masters because supposedly he has gone 4-5 months without any nookie while in "Sex Rehab" and like Costanza he would be able to cure cancer or some shit since he was abstinent. Fucker couldn't even beat Lefty. I love Verne Lundquist thoughts on Tiger's shot: "I don't think he's pleased!"

Tiger needs to go back to doing what he did before leaving golf: sinking putts while nailing sluts.

TEXAS STADIUM IMPLODES

Sorry it took so long. The reason why the implosion was delayed was because Tony Romo managed to fumble the control.

JASON HEYWARD'S FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE SWING

From a fan's perspective...



I've watched Jason Heyward's first home run/hit/swing of his major league career probably about 145 times already and I still get the chills every single time. The mother fucking J-Hey Kid has brought back baseball fever to Atlanta. Hey-fever to be exact.

Video HT: Will

CONGRATULATIONS DUKE

You won your 4th NCAA Title under Coach K or "The Rat" as I like to call him. If you would have told me before the tournament started that Duke would win the title I would have called you crazy. But then again I didn't get any of my Final Four teams right and my bracket was fucked as soon as Kansas lost to Northern Iowa. Somehow Duke managed to win with a team that really has no stars (Scheyer and Singler resemble more Nazi than hoops star) and with a center in Zoubek who is slow footed and fouls constantly yet manages to stay in the game. And no I'm not hating on Duke because it's the cool thing to do. I've always hated Duke. Ever since Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley were tag teaming each other.

With Duke winning this also proves the ACC is the best conference in the nation. Sorry Big East fans. When you guys start winning big boy championships and not women's hoops then you can come talking about how elite your conference is. With that said I leave you with this classic video in honor of the Dookies...

MARK BUEHRLE'S AMAZING BETWEEN THE LEGS BACKWARD FLIP

This is the beauty of baseball. Just when you think you have seen it all then something completely unfathomable happens. This Mark Buehrle backwards-between-the-legs-glovehand-flip-of-the-baseball is one of those plays you will never see again.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW JASON HEYWARD

First day of the season and I have already gotten the chills, jumped up and down, and peed a little bit on myself after Jason "The J-Hey Kid" Heyward absolutely crushed the shit out of a 2-0 fastball in his first major league at-bat.

Catch the first pitch from Hank Aaron: Check

Hit first big league home run: Check

Already a legend by crushing a 446 foot home run in first major league at bat: Priceless

I RETRACT MY BLANKET STATEMENT ON BASEBALL PLAYERS BEING SALLYS

Vanderbilt pitcher Corey Williams shattered his right kneecap from the line drive off a Florida Gators metal bat and still managed to get the out. Yeah. That guy can play for me any day.

Opening Day is upon us. The fresh air of unrealistic expectations are ready to bloom. Gotta love it though. As an avid Baltimore Orioles and Atlanta Braves fan I'm pretty f-ing excited about this season. The Orioles should be much improved with a team that will make some noise in an always rough AL East. They won't contend for a playoff spot this season but they should mature and be ready to knock off the Yankees and Red Sox in the near future with some excellent young talent blossoming (Brian Matusz, Brad Bergesen, Chris Tillman, David Hernandez, Jake Arrieta, Matt Wieters, Nolan Reimold, Felix Pie, Nick Markakis, etc.)

The Braves on the other hand have a legitimate shot at contending for a playoff spot this season. It's Bobby Cox final season and the pitching will be anchored with 4 solid starters (Lowe, Hanson, Jurrjens, Hudson) and the offense should be much better with a rebound season from Chipper Jones expected and the addition of power bats in Troy Glaus and some rookie named Jason Heyward whom you may have heard of. At the very least they should contend for a Wild Card spot.

Here are some predictions for 2010:

AL EAST: New York Yankees-Top to bottom they have the best players in the majors right now. Jeter, A-Roid, and fuckface Teixeira are all future Hall of Famers and will produce because they always do. The pitching will be excellent with C.C., Burnett, Pettitte, and Vasquez. Plus their payroll is $200 million so they can buy whatever the fuck they want.

AL CENTRAL: Detroit Tigers-I'm just going on a hunch here. I think the Tigers are going to be one of the best teams in the majors this season. Verlander will be a Cy Young contender and the bullpen should be excellent.

AL WEST: Anaheim Angels-Just because they lost Lackey to the Red Sox doesn't mean all of a sudden the Angels are going to suck. They are still the best team in the AL West and despite the Seattle Mariners making a ton of improvements the Angels still have their number.

AL WILD CARD: Tampa Bay Rays-They edge out the Red Sox if they don't trade away Carlos Pena and Carl Crawford.

NL EAST: Philadelphia Phillies-Best team in the National League. No need to argue here.

NL CENTRAL: Cincinnati Reds-They are my surprise team this season. I think they got the pitching and young hitting to put together a special season in an awful division.

NL WEST: Colorado Rockies-All of the other teams in this West got worse. The Rockies got better. I like them for 90 plus wins this year.

NL WILD CARD: Atlanta Braves-Bobby Cox's final season goes out with a bang with a World Series ring...just kidding. They will make the playoffs though.

GET A ROOM ALREADY BOB HUGGINS

That about as close to one can get without making out. I was anticipating Huggin's tongue to wreck some havoc on Desean Butler lips at any moment. Apparently whatever Huggins said worked because Butler hobbled off the court and appeared okay for being in such dramatic pain shortly before. The moment seemed awkward and about as genuinely honest as John Calipari. I felt the need to bathe myself in vinegar while sucking my thumb because I thought I just witnessed two guys who were just ready to fuck each other right there in Indy.

With that being said Happy Easter everybody!

NOTRE DAME RECRUIT MATT JAMES DIES IN FALL FROM BALCONY

Picture courtesy of UHND.com

Tragic news out of Panama City, Florida where yesterday star Notre Dame offensive lineman recruit Matt James died after falling off a third-story balcony at a Days Inn while vacationing for spring break. James was set to enroll at Notre Dame in two months and was just one week short of his 18th birthday. According to police reports he died instantly.

“The Notre Dame football program is in a state of disbelief and incredible sadness with the news of this tragic event,” Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said in a press statement. “Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of Matt James in this most trying of times.”
“On a personal level, I got to know Matt quite well over the past few years and he was a wonderful young man from a great family. Matt was an extremely talented person who was very bright and possessed a great dry sense of humor. He could not wait to join the Notre Dame family,” Kelly said. “My prayers and deepest condolences go out to the James family as well as the St. Xavier High School and Cincinnati communities.”

James by all accounts was an excellent person as well as a football player. He was selected to the first team All-USA Today Team and was a Top 100 recruit according to Rivals.com. The Cincinnati recruit picked Notre Dame over Ohio State on signing day two months ago and was considered a major recruiting coup for new coach Brian Kelly. Toxicology tests and an investigation has been launched into the cause of James death.

R.I.P. MATT JAMES

KEVIN GARNETT FELT LIKE THEY WERE PLAYING DUKE LAST NIGHT

Kevin Garnett: "We were playing Michael Fucking Jordan!"

Ok, KG was not referencing the Duke Basketball team. He was talking about Kevin Durant and the fact that Durant went 15 for 15 from the free throw line last night. Durant was getting to the line like Duke gets to the line. And both are fucking perimeter ballers.

I can understand KG's frustration. You feel like you playing 8 against 5. But the Celtics blow. Hear me KG? You guys are old and washed up.

The Atlanta Hawks are the hottest team in the East right now. They blew out the Lakerslast night at home. With less than 10 games to go to the playoffs you better recognize the Hawks as the favorite. Forget the Cavs and the Magic. They have no depth. Put your money down on Atlanta today and thank me later.

Video HT: Deadspin

BRIAN KELLY THINKS THE IRISH STINK

I'm sure some if not most of these words spoken today by Brian Kelly will be used to motivate the Notre Dame football team but they are also very telling to the current state of the program. The program has stunk. The players have not been motivated.

Kelly at the very least has the understanding that to strap on the blue and gold on Saturdays is a privilege and something you have to fight for every day in practice. It's not something you are entitled to just because you currently hold a scholarship. Kelly is bringing back fond memories of Lou Holtz. Just listening to him speak makes me want to run through a gauntlet and tackle somebody, anybody wearing the opposite uniform. For the last 15 years Notre Dame football has been uninspired. I'm starting to get that feeling it will all change real quick.

The passion of Notre Dame football has been bottled too long. It's time for Kelly to show the boys how to shake it up and make it explode on game days through perfect practice. I'm a 100% on board and can not wait to see guys like Anthony McDonald, Zeke Motta, Jamoris Slaughter, Danny McCarthy, Manti Te'o, Kapron Lewis-Moore, Ethan Johnson, Darius Fleming and others on the defense to show the opposition what it feels like to experience snot bubbles once you fuck with the Irish.

Go Irish!

Video HT: IrishIllustrated.com

FLIP MURRAY WITH THE CIRCUS SHOT

Sad to say but this might be the most impressive play for the Chicago Bulls since Michael Jordan hit the game winner against the Jazz in the NBA Finals over 12 years ago.

Video HT: HotClicks

TOM VERDUCCI LIKENS THE JASON HEYWARD HYPE TO ALBERT PUJOLS

Just when you think you can't get enough of J-Hey hype this spring none other than Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci throws some more gasoline on the fire as Heyward is his #1 reason he is looking forward to this MLB season...

“The Braves’ right fielder created the most spring training buzz since Albert Pujols tore up Cardinals camp in 2001. Which would you rather have when it comes to the NL Rookie of the Year Award: Heyward or the field? I’m not taking the field, not even a field that includes Strasburg and Chapman. Heyward seems like a lock for 20 home runs. Not so impressed by that number? The dude is 20 years old. Only 13 players have ever hit 20 homers at or before their age 20 season, and that includes only two 20/20 Club members in the past 31 years: a couple of guys named Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez.Forget the Fred McGriff comparisons; Heyward is far more athletic. Forget the Willie McCovey comparisons; McCovey was only a .270 career hitter. Forget the Willie Stargell comparisons; Stargell never walked even 90 times. Just let Heyward be who he will be, and enjoy a very unique player.”

Just from listening and reading the scouting reports on Heyward I think the player I would compare him to is Frank Thomas. Basically he sounds like the left handed version of The Big Hurt. Big athletic guy who resembles more football player than baseball and who has a great eye for the strike zone. I don't expect Heyward to be a 40 home run a season guy but I think he can be a consistent 25-35 home runs a year with an OBP of .400 plus. Future Hall of Famer in my mind. As Bobby Cox would say: "Go get em Kid!"

KATY PERRY SAYS "AHHHH"

WWTDD has this fascinating picture of Katy Perry saying hello to Tommy Lee. She seems like a nice girl.

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T BET ON SPORTS

Lesson be learned kids. Once you make a bet on sports you are "going down" a slippery slope....a very dark one. Black to be exact.

ERIN ANDREWS DOES THE FOXTROT

These two just need to stop with the games and just release a sex tape. Seriously. The sexual tension is unreal. If Erin Andrews wants her career to go beyond ESPN she needs to strip down and start doing the horizontal shuffle in between the sheets on camera. It's the American way. You can do it Erin! It's all about making your dreams come true. Or mine. Whatever.

MONDAYS SUCK BUT THIS SHOULD CHEER YOU UP

HAPPY SLAPPY MONDAY! I went 0.0 on my Final Four picks and have absolutely no chance of even finishing in the top 15. Fuck it. We always have boobies!

THIS HOCKEY COACH HAS HULK LIKE TENDENCIES

Isn't it ironic the coach's name is Jim Playfair? With that kind of last name you know he has been getting shit his whole life. It comes with the territory. All those incessant chants from childhood he suppressed and bottled deep down in his soul finally exploded. In other words don't fuck with guys with a last name consisting of FAIR. You might unleash their inner demon. Just saying.

Video HT: Jeff

THE JASON HEYWARD AKA J-HEY KID ERA BEGINS

David O'Brien of the AJC was the first to report today that the Jason Heyward era in Atlanta is officially beginning on April 5th. Let the legend begin...

The date is March 26, 2010 and it’s one to remember. J-Hey Kid made it to the majors.

Jason Heyward was called into manager Bobby Cox’s office about 8:45 a.m. on Friday morning in Braves camp and told he would be on the Opening Day roster.

“I said ‘I’m delighted to tell you that you’re on the team, Jason, simply because it makes us a better team,’” a beaming Cox relayed Friday morning from the Braves dugout.

Heyward will be the Braves starting right fielder on Opening Day. As chipper as Cox sounded, Heyward was just as cool.

“Not surprised, not relieved,” Heyward said when asked for his reaction, after batting practice. “It’s just says ‘Let’s go.’ I’ve got less than a week’s time to get ready for the season.”

“It was cool,” Heyward said. “It was awesome. Never experienced it before. It won’t happen again. It was a great feeling.”

Heyward automatically makes the Braves a much better team on Opening Day. The Braves outfield last season was one of the worst in the majors when it came to offensive production. Jeff Francoeur was a disaster and shipped up to Flushing Toilet New York and Garrett Anderson was at best a streaky hitter playing his final days of his once distinguished career. With Heyward you get the most highly touted and hyped hitter to come up to the majors since A-Rod and Griffey Jr. As a 20 year old the 2009 Minor League Player of the Year will be expected to produce immediately. This is Bobby Cox's farewell season and the whole Braves organization is hoping to send Bobby off in style by making the playoffs. To make the playoffs the Braves will need to score a lot more runs then they did last season and The J-Hey Kid will be a major reason for or against them making it for the first time since 2005.

Either way Opening Day in Atlanta should be exciting. The Lovable Losers come to town in what should be a standing room only crowd at The Ted. The J-Hey Kid Era begins. Now that will put a smile on your face if you are a Bravos fan.

FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES

HT: Kevin

THE RANT WRITER

I never knew this guy wrote the Joe Namath "I wanna kiss you!" rant. I thought Namath was actually drunk that night. Amazing. The writer's name is Charlie Hoard and he might be my hero...

Gamechangers Ep. 1: The Rant Writer from Ty Burrell

JOSH SMITH BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE

If you don't get chills then you are a fucking ra-tard. Josh Smith just broke the Orlando Magic's back with this slam. The playoffs are right around the corner. J-Smooth and company are going to the Finals. Fuck Lebron. Fuck Dwight Howard. And definitely fuck the Boston Celtics.

URBAN MEYER SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL

So much for Florida head coach Urban Meyer taking some time off to get himself better. Orlando Sentinel beat writer Jeremy Fowler touched a nerve with Meyer when he quoted Gators receiver Deonte Thompson on the differences between Tim Tebow at QB and the new guy, John Brantley:

"You never know with Tim," Thompson said. "You can bolt, you think he's running but he'll come up and pass it to you. You just have to be ready at all times. With Brantley, everything's with rhythm, time. You know what I mean, a real quarterback."

Apparently putting a quote that is more than likely out of context into a newspaper per verbatim is fighting words for Urban. You know what? I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, Urban is an asshole for calling Fowler a "bad guy." But I believe his players (I was going to say student-athletes but this is big boy football in the SEC and students be damned) and their parents can respect Urban for sticking up and protecting their boys even when there is no evidence of attacking. Players want to play for a guy who has their back. Urban has their back....side. Sorry I couldn't resist the childhood humor.

Is Urban a dick? No doubt.

Is Urban a liar? For sure.

Is Urban a great coach? The best in college football in my opinion.

By the way was it just me or were you hoping Fowler would have a follow up question for Urban to completely blow his gasket. Something condenscending like this: "Urban what does your doctor think about you acting like a complete douchebag in front of the media?"

Here is hoping Fowler is one of the ten people who actually reads this blog and follows up with Urban. This video of Urbie's meltdown is why blogs were created. Thanks Urban!

ERIN ANDREWS ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

Is there any doubt that Maksim Chmerkovskiy has nailed Erin Andrews in every way possible by now? I mean that is the whole reason why you get on the show right? To nail your partner is priority one. Second priority is the fame involved in it. Sex wins. Always.

"Another valuable lesson for the kids. You are welcome."-Tiger Woods

I WONDER WHO TOLD TIM TEBOW TO STFU?

PROFOOTBALLTALK.COM has this great story from the Scouting Combine...

As we've mentioned once or twice, quarterback Tim Tebow's habit of openly expressing his religious beliefs could potentially rub folks the wrong way, especially in a locker room of grown men who choose to keep their beliefs to themselves, who don't share his beliefs at all, and/or who only want to hear "God bless" after they have sneezed.

We're told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Others players in the room then laughed.

Now that is some funny shit. Listen, I understand some people have strong feelings about their religion. But don't bring your religion into sports and force it onto others. I always got uncomfortable right before a game when some of my teammates would ask me to join in a prayer. The thoughts that raced through my head go a little like this: "Dude, God doesn't give a shit about you or this team. Let's just play some damn ball!" But then of course I never had the balls to say this out loud because I'm a pussy. But whomever told Tebow to "Shut the fuck up!" deserves a pat on the back or at least a fist bump because they said exactly what all of us wanted to say but just didn't have the courage because of fears of religion persecution.

After all, just because the Bible is the greatest selling fiction book of all-time doesn't mean I'm going to start mapping my sports life around it.

MIKE HOLMGREN HATES JIMMY CLAUSEN

New Cleveland Browns GM Mike Holmgren is a huge fan of mustache rides but not Notre Dame quarterbacks. First he trades away Brady Quinn to the Denver Broncos and now he shits all over the notion of Jimmy Clausen being a Brown...

As for the second-ranked quarterback in the draft, Jimmy Clausen of Notre Dame, Holmgren was characteristically honest.

"I wish I liked him more," he said. "You know how you have a type of player that you like? It's not scientific. People like him a lot. He'll go high. But it would be hard for me [to take him]."

Apparently Holmgren is in love with Sam Bradford but thinks he goes #1 to the Rams. I'm sorry but I don't see the fascination with Bradford. He's coming off surgery to his THROWING SHOULDER and played almost exclusively out of the shotgun at Oklahoma. The kid is going to take some time to recover from both. I have my doubts with Clausen too but I think at this point he is the safer bet. Jimmy may be an asshole but so are a lot of QB's. I met Joe Montana once on Notre Dame's campus and he seemed like a prick to me. But guess what? It doesn't matter because Montana won Super Bowls. I'm not saying Clausen is going to win big time in the NFL because God knows he didn't win shit at Notre Dame but the kid has an edge that Bradford doesn't. He's been through the shit and got hammered at ND for every little thing and still he put up an amazing season in 2009 without a consistent running game or pass protection.

But honestly who gives a shit. The Rams are going to take Sam Bradford at #1. Hilarious.

TIGER WOODS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ESPN

Well after watching this I think we can all safely assume that Tiger Woods is a victim of spousal abuse. Elin beats the shit out of him. Tiger is in denial. It's sad. Poor guy. No wonder he stuck his Buddhist dick in so many orifices...."GET IN THE HOLE!"

AL HORFORD SAYS "HOW'S MY SHIT TASTE TIM DUNCAN?"

The Atlanta Hawks clinced a playoff spot last night with a 114-109 victory over the San Antonio Spurs. Hawks power forward Al Horford made sure Timmy Duncan knew who's ass to kiss once the playoffs start. That is right folks. The Hawks are going to come out of the Eastern Conference this playoff season and take on either the Los Angeles Lakers or Denver Nuggets in the Finals How do I know this you ask? Because mother fuckers I got mad skillz at predicting future bball champions. Take for instance the NCAA Tournament. I had Kansas winning the whole thing. And last time I looked they were going to beat the shit out of Northern Iowa in the second round. Ain't no fucking way they lose to a bunch of pasty Iowa ballers.

So just go ahead and put your life savings on the Hawks. You earned it.

OBAMA REACTS TO HEALTH CARE REFORM

For $10 co-pay I can get a fat joint and some pot brownies and a sticker? DUDE, sign me up!

GOTTA LOVE MARCH MADNESS!

I mean how can you not love this shit? Unless of course you took Vandy to go to the Final 4 then you should be able to sit at the edge of your seat and enjoy it. My picks so far have sucked balls but the key is my one Final 4 team is still alive in Baylor. I don't know anybody who took Baylor so I'm riding their shit to help me win my pool.

TIGER WOODS IS A DIRTY TEXTER

South Park was fucking hilarious last night. They tackled the Tiger Woods issue right on. I mean how many of us guys would seriously go around fucking everything in sight if we had a shitload of money and fame? Not this guy I tell ya (wife breathes heavy on shoulder, chills creep up spine).

Anywho, since all of us "normal" guys are angels I thought we could take a look at some of the dirt Tiger spews on his Blackberry, or Blasianberry as I call it. Here is just some of the sext messages Tiger Woods sent to porn star Josyln James before he got caught....

Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me
Tiger:Sent: 11:11 PM 08/23/2009:
Ditto sexy
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/28/2009:
Maybe in two weeks in chicago
Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad
Tiger:Sent: 03;29 PM 08/29/2009:
Now:)
Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no
Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me
Tiger:Sent: 03:56 PM 08/29/2009:
You do. Need more of it
Tiger:Sent: 03:59 PM 08/29/2009:
of you
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009:
Whatever else turns you on
Tiger:Sent: 04:43 PM 08/29/2009:
You tell me what you like
Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
You are. Always will be. Don't trust people
Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
But you still have not told me what turns you on
Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp
Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around
Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more
Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
Tiger:Sent: 09:20 AM 09/03/2009:
Was playing sexy
Tiger:Sent: 04:17 AM 09/04/2009:
Maybe you can fly out to chicage on monday night and leave early wed
Tiger:Sent: 04:23 AM 09/04/2009:
I land at 930 or 10 monday night
Tiger:Sent: 11:57 AM 09/04/2009:
Great. What time so you land
Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 09/04/2009:
I land at the earliest at 8 and the latest will be 10
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 09/04/2009:
Midway
Tiger:Sent: 01:42 AM 09/07/2009:
I cant wait to see you as well. What time do you land again
Tiger:Sent: 03:15 AM 09/07/2009:
You are going to be headed to the hyatt lodge. 2815 jorie blvd oak brook, il 60523. Phone 630 990 5800
Tiger:Sent: 11:38 AM 09/07/2009:
Did you get my text with all the info
Tiger:Sent: 11:41 AM 09/07/2009:
I will text you the room number when i get there. Im still in boston
Tiger:Sent: 11:43 AM 09/07/2009:
I have to check in to get the room
Tiger:Sent: 11:44 AM 09/07/2009:
I should get there before you anyways
Tiger:Sent: 12:27 PM 09/07/2009:
In about 3 hours
Tiger:Sent: 12:30 PM 09/07/2009:
I will be there before you for sure
Tiger:Sent: 12:35 PM 09/07/2009:
You just make sure you take care of me when you get here
Tiger:Sent: 06:28 PM 09/07/2009:
Great
Tiger:Sent: 06:30 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat
Tiger:Sent: 06:33 PM 09/07/2009:
I am pretty tired after today. I am going to go to sleep early
Tiger:Sent: 06:53 PM 09/07/2009:
How close are you
Tiger:Sent: 07:09 PM 09/07/2009:
What do you want to eat
Tiger:Sent: 07:10 PM 09/07/2009:
Anything simple
Tiger:Sent: 07:12 PM 09/07/2009:
No turkey unless it's a club sandwich
Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/07/2009:
How close
Tiger:Sent: 07:38 PM 09/07/2009:
Head to the elevators and go to 334. Thats your room. The door will be open with the dead bolt. I have to get back here to wait for the food. Im in room 358.
Tiger:Sent: 07:42 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when you are in the room. Food just got here
Tiger:Sent: 07:47 PM 09/07/2009:
Sweet. Dont come down here yet. Lots of people in the hall. I will let you know when it clears
Tiger:Sent: 08:16 PM 09/07/2009:
Are you close to being ready
Tiger:Sent; 08:32 PM 09/07/2009:
Come on down. Its quiet here in the hall now
Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:
There is a room service cart in my hall. Be careful
Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:
Room358
Tiger:Sent: 09:59 PM 09/07/2009:
Make it ok
Tiger:Sent: 10:01 PM 09/07/2009:
Ok. Lights out. Good night sexy
Tiger:Sent: 08:49 AM 09/08/2009:
Hope you slept as good as i did. I just woke up which is un heard of
Tiger:Sent: 10:23 AM 09/08/2009:
So when can i have that ass again
Tiger:Sent: 12:40 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be back in a couple hours
Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)
Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity
Tiger:Sent: 01:30 PM 09/08/2009:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you
Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight
Tiger:Sent: 02:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Maybe
Tiger:Sent: 03:38 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be over in 10mins
Tiger:Sent: 03:40 PM 09/08/2009:
Why dont you come over here now instead
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 09/08/2009:
Enter thru room 360. Its next door
Tiger:Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i come in that ass
Tiger:Sent: 03:54 PM 09/08/2009:
Let me know when you leave your room
Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/08/2009:
You felt amazing to baby. How much was your flight by the way
Tiger:Sent: 07:35 PM 09/08/2009:
Having a few issues at home. Might be a little later before i see you tonight
Tiger:Sent: 07:39 PM 09/08/2009:
Parent hood melt down:)
Tiger:Sent: 08:01 PM 09/08/2009:
How much was your flight
Tiger:Sent: 05:03 AM 09/09/2009:
Shit i fell back to sleep. just woke up. I have to leave in about 15 mins. I tee off at 700
Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this
Tiger:Sent: 05:44 AM 10/01/2009:
I know that. Thats why i wont do that.
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
Baby im not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I'm not losing that. You have to understand people love to tal
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
k about me. sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. I have learned to just roll with it no matter how much it upsets me when its not true. My life is a
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
fish bowl
Tiger:Sent: 10:40 AM 10/04/2009:
Guys from dubai. Investors. So my agent being suggested that we go back to my room at the mansion for lunch. He doesnt know about us, obviously
Tiger:Sent: 11:31 AM 10/04/2009:
This has been a total shit trip. Im sorry i fucked up last night. And this shit. We will get it right next time so we can spend more time together.
Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything
Tiger:Sent: 12:07 PM 10/04/2009:
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck