F*CK F*CK F*CKITY F*CK...MARTIN PRADO ON DL WITH STAPH INFECTION

If you've managed to catch any Atlanta Braves baseball this year you know the Braves are basically fucked offensively without two guys: catcher Brian McCann and left fielder Martin Prado. Well guess what happened today? Yep. Prado is on the disabled list with a staph infection. And it's not some made-up Jason Heyward injury according to Dave O'Brien.

The left fielder was cleared to play Tuesday night, but then Prado got hit in the left knee by a throw as he stole second base in the ninth inning.

Prado missed the past two games with what the Braves termed a contusion of the left knee, which was swollen when he woke Wednesday. Prado said Thursday that he expected to return to the lineup Saturday or Sunday.

Neither the team nor Prado had said anything about the problem with his infected right calf. Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez said Prado reported that his calf felt much better Thursday, but a Miami doctor examined him later Thursday and was concerned that the infection had worsened.

He recommended Prado have it taken care of, and Prado returned to Atlanta while the Braves traveled to Houston late Thursday after finishing a three-game series with the Marlins.

The Braves offense is garbage right now with Dan Uggla shitting the bed, Jason Heyward down with a torn labia, and guys like Matt Young and Joe Mather getting regular playing time when they should be sitting on the bench. Thankfully for the love of God the Braves have the best pitching staff in all of baseball (Sorry Phillies) and can manage to sweep teams like the Marlins in 3 games while only scoring 7 runs total.

I guess the bright spot is this shit is happening now and not going into the playoffs. The Braves can't win consistently without Prado in the lineup. He's the glue that holds everything together. Hopefully Prado gets his leg right quickly and Frank Wren gets off his ass and starts making some phone calls for some bats.

Dr. Pepper With The Ad Fail...Or Is It?

Those Dr. Pepper marketing folks are smart motherfuckers. Do you honestly think they had no idea that "DP" stands for double penetration? Come on. Stop being so naive scarecrow. This is brilliant. This shit will go viral and before you know it celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber will start talking about how much they love DP. Whoever came up with this shirt doesn't deserve to be fired. They deserve the VP job.

Via AdLand

Vancouver Canucks Girl Wearing Body Paint

Gotta love those Canadian broads. Free health care and body paint is what it's all about. Game 5 returns to Vancouver. I expect to see more of this.

Via SportsFeeder

Tim Tebow Must Work Out With Brady Quinn

Twackle.com has this picture of Tim Tebow hitting up the practice range at the FedEx St. Jude Classic. Dude looks like he is on the Jesus juice. I guess the lesson here kids is if you never use your thang then you too can get jacked up like Tebow. I can't even imagine how backed up Tebow is right now. I mean can you imagine the first time he actually decides to have intercourse? The poor girl or guy will have no chance.



Yeah good luck trying to get that visual out of your head.

Tosh.0 Does Knife or Banana On Kate Upton's Boob

I just wanted a reason to post something, anything, about Kate Upton. I don't even find it remotely funny. But hey...it's got Kate Upton's boobs in it. Winner.

via Jason McIntyre

Gilbert Arenas Tweeted His Blind Date, Hilarity Ensued

Last night I was informed by Jimmy Traina that Orlando Magic guard Gilbert Arenas, aka "Agent Zero," was tweeting updates on a blind date live on his Twitter account (@agentzeroshow). Arenas being the showman he is offered some highly entertaining and funny tweets about his date. Luckily there were no guns involved. But he did post a picture of what the poor girl was wearing. Needless to say I have a new favorite NBA player. Start reading from the bottom.

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Oh well gdnt then
12 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Sorry fellas she don't give it up on the first date....all that means is tomorrow..but by then I hope to be on another date...
12 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Its okay fellas she still wants action...ladies like rude boys..or the blk card I hav in my pocket..either way bam bam we got ACTION
12 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She called me a jack ass.. I said "she looks so cute with her little ugly self" who's NEXT
13 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She just said this was the worst date every.but I was thinkin the same thing.who wears a shirt they got from 5th ave in new york. on a date
13 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
If I would hav known i would mess this up I would have taken her to get a "rudy tutti fresh and fruiti meal"from ihop..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
I don't think imma get the goods tonight...I messed my chances up..she looked mad..over there lookin like a thunder cat...
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
This dragon can eat....I'm glad were at a all u can eat... She went to the rest rm..I think I'm busted you guys. Her friend texted her.
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Look at this hot mess...she all most caught me takin the pic.. http://lockerz.com/s/108945230
14 hours ago


agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She just had the nerve to ask me if I like her shirt..."ummmmmm yea on my floor near the fire place"imma call PETA to come get you
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Ill let u guys know what happen after this date. Should be funny!!!
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
And they want me to go in public with her..I thought she had a bunch of stretch marks but it was just her shirt..lookn like SIMBA
14 hours ago

agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Got hooked up on a blind date..and I guess she was blind when she picked out this outfit ..OMG I thought she was the queen of ZAMUNDA
14 hours ago

I guess the Black AMEX didn't seal the deal. It's too bad because I just got one of those fake ones and was looking to test it out this weekend while the wife is at home taking care of the baby.

Terrelle Pryor Rides Off Into The Sunset

So what if Terrelle Pryor got paid up to $40,000 for his signature on memorabilia. So what if Terrelle Pryor got free cars and free meals and free women. So what if Pryor got Tressel fired. And so what if Pryor got the Buckeyes in a shitload of trouble with heavy sanctions a mere formality.

Pryor don't care. Pryor is rich! Bitch! He's going to get paid out of the ass from dirty Buckeye boosters to keep his mouth shut about what really went on in Columbus. But fuck all that! The party is at Pryors house* tonight!

*=paid for by the Young Republicans of Buckeyes

2011 Top 10 Must-See College Football Games

Got your beer on ice? Brats ready for grilling? Tailgate locked and loaded for Saturdays in the Fall? Well if you are like me you can't wait for college football to kick off. Here are the SportsCrack.com's Must-See College Football Games for 2011:

1. Oregon vs LSU (Cowboys Stadium) September 3rd

In a huge matchup for two top 10 teams ready to kickoff the season in "Jerry Land" this will be a true litmus test for the rest of their seasons. Whoever wins this PAC-12 vs SEC game clash could be headed to the BCS Title game. Whoever loses will face an uphill battle to get back into BCS consideration. With two fanbases who are known to be extremely loud this game should be electric.

2. Boise State vs Georgia (Georgia Dome) September 3rd

The last time Boise came down to Georgia it didn't end too well for the Smurfs. They were blown out by the Dawgs in Athens back when Jared Zabransky and Dan Hawkins were hot commodities. This time it will be in Atlanta at the Georgia Dome with Boise expected to be the favorite despite playing the David in the David vs Goliath role. Kellen Moore will be looking to make a favorable Heisman impression on the voters on National TV while Georgia and coach Mark Richt will be looking to rebound from a disastrous 2010 losing season.

3. Oklahoma at FSU September 17th

Last year FSU went to Norman and got their collectives asses kicked. This year the game with two top 10 teams will be in Semen-hole country in Tallahassee. The Sooners will be #1 in the country behind a potent offense led by QB Landry Jones. FSU will be looking for payback while also trying to get back to a BCS Bowl game under 2nd year head coach Jimbo Fisher. This game will say a lot whether FSU is really back or just overhyped preseason.

4. LSU at West Virginia September 24th

The Bayou Bengals have one of the toughest schedules in the nation and a night game in Morgantown could be their achilles when all is said and done. WVU should be the favorite to win the Big East and if they can beat LSU they have a legit shot at reaching a BCS Title game. The X factor should be West Virginia QB Geno Smith. If he plays big then watch out for the Mountaineers.

5. Ohio State at Nebraska October 8th

This should be the start of a huge rivalry between two tremendous programs and fanbases. Nebraska and Bo Pelini will be looking to make a Big Ten title run with a home victory over the reigning Big Ten Champs in Ohio State. The Buckeyes could make a statement and tell the world they aren't ready to roll over and hide after sanctions come down because of Jim Tressel and Terrelle Pryor. Or they could wilt in Lincoln under a tremendous Husker team who should be able to run the ball.

6. Texas A&M at Oklahoma November 5th

The Aggies haven't won an outright Big 12 title since 1998. If they can beat the Sooners in Norman behind a great rushing attack led by Cyrus Gray they could change their fortunes. Oklahoma will be looking for revenge after getting blown out by the Aggies on the road last season. Offensively this should be a wide open game with tons of points being put on the scoreboard. I think it's safe to say whoever wins this game has the inside track for the Big 12 Championship game.

7. LSU at Alabama November 5th

If you like hard hitting football then this will be the game to watch. More than likely it won't be the prettiest game unless you love defensive battles. The SEC West is by far the toughest division in college football and both the Tigers and Crimson Tide will be looking for a win to possible secure a SEC Championship berth in Atlanta.

8. Oregon at Stanford November 12th

This game is for the PAC-12 Championship. Last season Oregon ran rough shot over the Cardinal in the second half on way to a BCS Title game berth. This season Stanford and Andrew Luck will be looking to win their first conference title in over a decade while also securing a Heisman in his trophy case. In what should be a very entertaining game look for LaMichael James to make a statement when it comes to West Coast supremacy.

9. Notre Dame at Stanford November 26th

This end of the season clash between two rising programs could determine a BCS Bowl berth. Luck will be going against a much improved Fighting Irish defense and will have to avoid LB Manti Te'o. Notre Dame will be looking to snap a 2-game losing streak against Stanford and get back to a BCS Bowl game for the first time in 5 years. This game should come down to the final whistle.

10. Alabama at Auburn (Iron Bowl) November 26th

Do we really need to talk about this game to let you know how must-see this is? You have fans poisoning trees. You have the last two National Champions on the field. It's the fucking Iron Bowl. It's bigger than Charlie Weis waistband. And while both these teams might already be out of the National Championship picture it still doesn't make this game any less intriguing.

The Wonderful World of Tressel presents Vestocchio

The M Zone has this hilarious spoof of Jim Tressel as played by Vestocchio. The dig at the SEC in the end wasn't completely necessary but I get the point. Little Sisters of the Poor.


Buy the classic "Vest In Peace" shirt now by clicking on the link below:

The Hit Heard Around Canada...Aaron Rome KO's Nathan Horton

Boston fans are freaking out, spitting up their clam chowder and Sam Adams about this hit from game 3 of last night's Stanley Cup Final. At first glance it looked bad. On second glance it looked even worse. On third glance holy fuck he got crushed for no good reason! Vancouver's Aaron Rome has been suspended for the remaining four games in the series because of the hit and chances are the Bruins have seen the last of Nathan Horton. The hit might have flipped the series too. The Canucks came in with a 2-0 series lead. After the hit the Bruins went on to smoke the Canucks 8-1. Game 4 is in Boston. Expect even more emotion and passion. And beady little eyes. And hockey sticks. Eh!

Thanks To Shakira's Pole Dancing I Will Never Get This Song Out Of My Head

I don't have a fucking clue what she is saying but does it really matter? Shakira just jumped to the top of my charts with this "Rabiosa" video. The gyration of her hips could be classified as the 9th wonder of the world. Fucking A Shakira! Still bringing her A game for sure. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like with Shakira. I'll let Akon explain it...

#1 Pick Bryce Harper Blows Kiss To Pitcher After Hitting a Home Run

Big League Stew posted this video last night of Bryce Harper, the MLB 2010 1st pick phenom, hitting a massive home run for Class A Hagerstown and then doing a slow Barry Bonds-like trot before blowing a kiss to the opposing pitcher. I've heard constant rumors about teammates not favoring Bryce and I figured some of that could be out of jealousy and some of it could be because the kid is a dick. After watching this video I'm going to go with dick. Yeah. The next pitch Harper needs to see is right at his throat.

Actually I can't wait for this kid to make it to the majors. The game needs a good villain and Harper seems immature enough to take over the reigns. Plus he plays for the Nationals so it will be fun to see him come into the ATL and try to pull that shit at The Ted.

HT to Andrew from the band Dielectric Sound

Khloe Kardashian Forces Black Out, Nipple Slip on Fox & Friends

You remember that first time you got so shit face the whole room started spinning and you just wanted it to stop? Well let's go back in time and see how it felt all over again. Just look at that thing, somehow related to Kim, flashing her nipple on national television. I'm pretty positive Khloe has no relation to Kim. She was adopted. Has to be. She's proof that Arnold and that Mexican cleaning lady tried to throw away the first of the litter in the dumpster.

Image via Egotastic

Reggie Bush Refuses To Give Up The Heisman

Yesterday we found out that USC has been forced to vacate and hand over their 2004 BCS Title because of the sanctions ruled against them in large part due to Reggie Bush breaking the rules. Well today it appears that the Heisman Trophy that Bush won back in 2005 and was suppose to be forfeited back to the Heisman Trophy Trust nine months ago still hasn't made it to them according to Paul Pabst over at the Dan Patrick Show.

We reported in December that the Heisman Trust had yet to receive Bush’s trophy. According to a source at the Heisman Trust, as of Monday Reggie Bush has still not returned his Heisman Trophy, just short of nine months after the decision came down that he had to give up the honor.

After the Heisman Trophy Trust met in early September 2010, the Trust worked with Bush on an mutual decision to return the Heisman Trophy. On Sept. 14, Bush announced he would forfeit the trophy:

“One of the greatest honors of my life was winning the Heisman Trophy in 2005. For me, it was a dream come true.But I know that the Heisman is not mine alone. Far from it. I know that my victory was made possible by the discipline and hard work of my teammates, the steady guidance of my coaches, the inspiration of the fans, and the unconditional love of my family and friends. And I know that any young man fortunate enough to win the Heisman enters into a family of sorts. Each individual carries the legacy of the award and each one is entrusted with its good name. It is for these reasons that I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005.”

One day later, the Heisman Trust issued a statement stating their appreciation for Bush’s cooperation and declared there would be no winner for ‘05.

We called Bush’s agent for comment about the status of the trophy, but received no response. We did find out where Bush’s trophy was last September, just before the Heisman Trust asked for it back.

According to a person in management at the San Diego Hall of Champions, the Heisman Trophy was displayed there until just after the Heisman Trust’s decision to strip Bush of the trophy. “Reggie Bush’s dad came in right after and took it. That’s the last we saw of it.”

The source at the Heisman Trophy Trust told us that there was no specific agreement with Reggie Bush to return the trophy, but that it was “alluded to in Reggie’s statement and the whole world reasonably expected him to return it.”

The Heisman Trust source added that they had been in touch with Bush’s agent “more than once” about the status of returning the trophy. Also, Bush would not even have to pay for shipping. The Heisman Trust would send him a case for the Heisman Trophy, with shipping paid for.

Honestly I can't blame Bush for not handing it over yet. I've held one. Took it to a party in fact on the Notre Dame campus. Johnny Lattner's 1953 Heisman Trophy which he so kindly loaned to me for a night opened doors to places I would have never seen without it. Next to the Stanley Cup it's the most recognizable trophy in all of sports. So I can see why Bush would not want to give it up. His Heisman got him Kim Kardashian. It worked with Carmen Ortega. The Heisman is like walking around with the Maserati of labrador puppies on campus trying to pick up chicks. The Heisman seals the deal. So without the Heisman Bush is basically nothing. Sure he has some money but his NFL career has been remarkably bland.

The point is Reggie Bush shouldn't give up his memorabilia. Look at what happened to O.J. Simpson when he tried to get his shit back. You don't want to end up like O.J. who is forced to give the Heisman to other inmates at the Lovelock Correctional Center....or do you? Run Reggie Run!

Arnold Schwarzenegger Satisfies

Video via ExtraMustard

Ndamukong Suh Will Eat His Own Pepperoni and Black Olives Face Thank You Very Much

You have seen Ndamukong Suh eat up Colt McCoy while in college and if you are a Detroit Lions fan (mercy on your souls) you saw Suh just dominate the shit out of the NFL during his rookie season. Now you can see Suh eat his own face thanks to Andy Gray over at SI. It's disturbing, gross and yet highly erotic if you enjoy pizza as much as I do.

P.S.-Can we get this fucking lockout over with already? If you are a billionaire owner and you are cutting office staff because of it then you sir are an asshole! The owners need to stop being greedy dicks. End of story.

Bill Stewart Has Been Snitchin' To The Media About Dana Holgorsen

Last week I told you about West Virginia's new offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting Dana Holgersen's drinking issues. This week we may have found out how the information about Holgersen's party lifestyle has been getting out to the press. West Virginia's own head coach Bill Stewart. Ruh fucking roh!

SB Nation's The Smoking Musket broke the story...

Jun 6, 2011 - Mock the trappings of Appalachia all you wish, college football fandom, but let it never be said that we mountain folk have lost the touch for high drama Shakespeare gave our forebears: Reports out of Morgantown are linking Bill Stewart (that's West Virginia head football coach Bill Stewart) to a newspaper reporter in Huntington, W. Va. who published an article alleging that Dana Holgorsen, Stewart's coach-in-waiting and offensive coordinator, has a lengthy history of alcohol-related run-ins, usually involving getting tossed out of casinos. That's Huntington, home of the Marshall Thundering Herd.

Some background on the personalities involved here: Holgorsen-as-dauphin was hilariously forced on Stewart by new AD Oliver Luck, who gave the Oklahoma State hotshot a year as OC to settle in and Stewart a year to shuffle out in a move that was already sure to make for an unbelievably awkward series of football Saturdays. The report that Holgorsen may have had as many as half a dozen previous unwanted encounters with gambling security and various local law enforcement types was as vigorously refuted by WVU as it was gleefully trumpeted by lesser Pittsburgh media outlets. Morgantown locals are abuzz with rumors of rampant, if understandable dissension amongst the reluctantly hybrid coaching staff, and just to make things interesting, our own West Virginia blog passes along some scuttlebutt that says Stewart may even be in the process of holding out on signing the new contract he agreed to with Luck. Just another pokey late spring in America's beautiful game.

Speaking of our West Virginia community, the Smoking Musket guys have been chasing this story since the very beginning, and they've got a wealth of details on this latest rich chapter in Mountaineer history over at their place. Pop some popcorn and head over for a cup of shine, won't you?

So Stewart is a snitch? What a fucking punk move if true. West Virginia University has reacted by putting Stewart's contract on hold while it investigates the leak according to the Charleston Daily. This is bound to create an unbearable friction amongst the coaching staff for a team I have projected to win the Big East with sleeper status as a BCS Title contender in 2011. I think we can assume Stewart has seen his last days of coaching pass him by. Stay tuned.

HT to MacG

Notre Dame gets 10 commitment in David Perkins

According to WSBT's David McCoy Notre Dame will pick up their 10 commitment in the class of 2012 with South Bend's own David Perkins choosing the Fighting Irish tomorrow morning.

A source close to Perkins tells WSBT that choice will be Notre Dame.

Perkins has scheduled an 11:20 a.m. news conference Tuesday to announce his decision. Washington coach Antwon Jones said Perkins' final five schools are Syracuse, Mississippi State, Iowa, Tennessee and Notre Dame.

At 6-foot-2, 210 pounds, Perkins is looked upon as a multi-position prospect. He plays both running back and linebacker for Washington.

Notre Dame came on late in the recruiting process, offering Perkins a scholarship on Thursday.

Perkins is listed as a 4 star recruit at outside linebacker (27th at his position) by Scout.com. He also has the versatility to play tailback and perhaps that is where Brian Kelly and the staff see his future. Notre Dame is extremely thin at the tailback position with starter Cierre Wood the only proven commodity who is also NFL Draft eligible after this season. In order for Notre Dame to be successful and I'm talking top 10 with BCS bowl wins they have to be able to run the ball effectively. Landing an elite tailback like a Keith Marshall or a Brian Kimbrow is paramount for this recruiting class.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis Crotch Grab MTV Movie Awards

You know in reality Justin Timberlake is banging her. He's the Derek Jeter of banging broads. He's literally gone through all of them. Janet Jackson? Yep. Britney Spears before she went mental? Yes sir. Cameron Diaz before she turned into Golum? Uh huh. Jessica Biel? His late night drunk call guarantee. There are a slew of other notches on his belt and the latest is Mila Kunis. She dumped Home Alone and is now running wild on guys like JT.

So the question is "do I envy Timberlake's life?" Of course. I'm not fucking gay.

Video via TheBigLead

The Guy F*cking Blake Lively Is Wearing A Certain Hat

You may have heard of the guy. His name is Leonardo Dicaprio. I think he was one of the Ninja Turtles. Anyways today he was spotted in a boat with Blake Lively (this time miraculously clothed...damn) in Italy and you want to know how he closed the deal with her? Yep. That fucking hat. You wear a ND hat and girls just drop their shit and jump your bones. I don't want to get into too many details but if you are a top notch high school football recruit (I'm talking to you Keith Marshall) you might want to start wearing the old Blue and Gold and just see what happens. Better yet just go ahead and enroll at Notre Dame. But only if you are a star recruit. We can't all be winners like Leonardo and myself.

Golf Clap For The SEC Doing The Right Thing With Signing Classes

All of the non-SEC fans want to talk about how some of the SEC schools like Bama and Ole Miss have unfair advantages with oversigning recruits. Today the SEC Conference did the right thing and voted to limit signing classes to 25 even though the coaches were against it. Sorry Nick Saban.

DESTIN, Fla. -- The Southeastern Conference has capped football signing classes at 25, a move coaches voted against and one that school presidents hope will be adopted across college football.

The powerful league, which will hand out an SEC-record $18.3 million in shared revenue to each of its 12 schools, had allowed up to 28 players to be signed annually.

They also voted to eliminating 7-on-7 camps on campuses and banned graduate students from transferring and being eligible to play immediately. In other words no more Jeremiah Masolis.

The question is how much will this hurt the SEC Conference in terms of football power? Probably not too much. Sure it will effect the Sabans of the conference. No longer can sign 30 plus guys and then put them on medical hardships or kick them out of school for a bull shit excuse. Saban will still find ways to get slaves...err...I mean more "student-athletes" in school despite the 25 max vote. How? How the fuck should I know, he's the Sabanator! Ask him.

Lebron James 4th Quarter Performance Reenacted By A Kid

Yep. Spot on. King James and the Miami Heat wilted, crumbled, and cried their way to losing a 15 point lead in the 4th quarter last night and let the Mavs tie up the series at 1 game all. It was the biggest choke job since the 1992 Finals when the Trail Blazers blew a 15 point 4th quarter lead to the Bulls. And just like this kid crying because he didn't get the right color bike we might soon see James tearing up if the Mavs pull the unthinkable and steal the NBA Title away. Viva la Dirk!

Video via Extra Mustard

Atlanta Braves Peter Moylan's ESPY Dress

Atlanta Braves reliever Peter Moylan has a little extra time on his hands being on the disabled list so he has taken to his Twitter to blow off some steam. And by steam I mean putting on a tight dress that clearly shows off his fabulous figure. What? The Aussie has a great figure. So sue me.

HT to Extra Mustard for the reminder on this Twitter pic.

Speaking of Twitter be sure to follow us. You better do it now!

Even More Blake Lively Nude Pics Leaked

Apparently actress Blake Lively has even more nude pictures yet to be released. Just a couple of days ago we got the first batch of NSFW pics. Her representation then came out and denied it's her which is bull shit. It's pretty obvious it's her phone, her face and most certainly her body. Case closed. And now apparently the people representing Lively have pissed off the guy who stole the pictures in the first place. And by guy I mean it's gotta be her right? She's leaking it.

Here are some more NSFW pics of Blake Lively via BarstoolSports

Willie Mays + SpiderMan = Adam Jones Catch Yesterday

Video via BigLeadSports

Slowly Baltimore Orioles center fielder is turning into the super star scouts projected when he was first drafted as a short stop in the Seattle Mariners organization. The fleet footed Jones aka Bazooka Jones made one of the best outfield catches I have ever seen. I don't think people realize how hard of a catch it was for Jones. He basically was going full force into the centerfield wall and yet still had enough concentration to make the catch while leaping to brace himself. To top it off he hit the game winning home run, went 3-4 at the plate and helped snapped a 5 game skid for the streaky O's who got a solid first start from ace Brian Matusz who just came off the DL. Not a bad day at the office for Jonesy.

Getting Ugly for Uggla

Image Courtesy of the AP

Matt and I were having a conversation the other day about Atlanta's most recent trade for perennial All Star Dan Uggla and I think we can all be honest, it's getting ugly. When Atlanta made the trade for the slugging 2nd baseman, no one would have guess he would be so, well, sluggish. Uggla is hitting .175, that's not even his weight.

The only comfort I take is that Omar Infante hasn't exactly had a great season, only batting .250 with 17 RBIs, our bullpen lefties are second to none, and Dan Uggla's defense has been absolutely spectacular. Still, we signed a clean up hitter, not expecting to have to clean up for him. Maybe the pressure of a lot of money is getting to him and if so, he's in the wrong profession.

Dave O'Brien talked yesterday on the Braves Blog on the AJC about Uggla getting slotted in the 7th hole and being benched twice in the last 7 games.

Gonzalez decided to “give him a breather” on Tuesday for the second time in seven games, using Uggla only as a pinch-runner for Chipper Jones late in the game.

The manager joked Wednesday that Uggla was too much of a “pain in the [rear]” pacing and fidgeting in the dugout to not play him in consecutive games.

“He’s your every-day second baseman,” Gonzalez said, on a serious note. “He can’t break out of that stuff sitting on the bench. There comes a point where you just give him a little mental rest and then run him back in there, let him play. He’s earned that.”

The Braves traded Omar Infante and left-handed reliever Mike Dunn to the Marlins for Uggla in November, then signed him to a five-year, $62 million contract extension before spring training, giving him the highest average annual salary ($12.4 million) for any second baseman.

Uggla averaged nearly 31 home runs and 93 RBIs in five seasons with the Marlins, including career-highs of 33 homers and 105 RBIs in 2010, when he also had personal bests in average (.287), on-base percentage (.369) and on-base-plus-slugging percentage (.877).

Before Wednesday, his .178 average this season was the second-lowest among National League qualifiers, and his .568 OPS was third-lowest. With runners in scoring position, his .118 average (6-for-51) was the third-lowest in the league.

The Braves got him to be the right-handed power hitter their lineup had lacked in recent years, but Uggla’s .115 average and .154 slugging percentage against lefties were the third-worst marks in the NL before Wednesday.

He had seven homers and 16 RBIs before Wednesday, including two homers and seven RBIs in May while batting .160 (16-for-100).

I, for one, still believe in Uggla and not just because his forearm is bigger than my leg. I personally like the guy. He works hard, he's a team first guy, he's as much of a blue collar player as there is in the game. He's just got to get out of his own head and go back to having fun playing baseball. In the end, I think Uggla will be more than worth his salary to the Braves, even if they do decide to package Uggla, Hanson, and Beachy to make a run at Albert Pujols. Hey, a guy can dream right?!?!?

Garcia gets another shot

Image courtesy of the Associated Press

Seriously, what in the hell is it going to take to get kicked out of USCe? Six chances? This kid has almost as many lives as Catwoman. Let's run through a list of suspensions:

1. Suspended for public drunkenness a month after enrolling in 2007.
2. Suspended for vandalizing a professor’s car two months after enrolling.
3. Suspended for underage drinking a year after that.
4. Suspended last March for having girls in his hotel room after curfew at the Chick-Fil-A Bowl.
5. Suspended a month later for drunken, disruptive behavior at an SEC-mandated leadership event.

Image Courtesy of the Associated Press

This has got to be a joke. As my buddy ECDawg of The Leather Helmet Blog (ps... read this... everyday Dawg fans) says "Garcia's longevity says more about Spurrier's failure to recruit another QB than it does about USCe disciplinary structure."

Chris Low on ESPN talks with Spurrier about Garcia getting another shot.

“One more, and he’ll be finished,” Spurrier said Wednesday.

For the record, Garcia has been suspended five times, including for all or parts of three spring practices.

His most recent suspension came after he became disruptive and was asked to leave an SEC-mandated life skills/leadership seminar in April. Garcia admitted to Spurrier that he’d been drinking prior to the event while celebrating a teammate’s birthday.

At the time, there were several associated with the program who felt Spurrier might send Garcia packing for good, especially considering how much Spurrier has publicly lamented Garcia’s lack of commitment and flimsy work ethic the past two years.

But Spurrier was singing a different tune Wednesday now that Garcia has been reinstated on a probationary basis for summer workouts.

“He’s made a life-change commitment,” Spurrier said. “He’s changed a lot about his life. He’s a changed person right now. Hopefully, he’ll stay that way.”

I have to agree with Matt Hayes for The Sporting News, Spurrier is enabling Garcia's behavior. I'd even go further, he's telling his recruits it's ok to be an alcoholic and destroy other people's lives. You can still play for me. We all make mistakes and we all get slapped on the wrist. How is this teaching this KIDS anything about the game of life? Check out more of Matt's article below:

And this is the player Spurrier has staked his reputation on? It’s so unbelievably out of character for a coach who — until this five-year joyride from Garcia — has never shied from disciplining star players for the smallest of mistakes.

Then again, it was strangely out of character for Jim Tressel to not forward a simple e-mail that would’ve saved his job and reputation.

Now, like it or not, Spurrier has hitched his legacy to a player who has been suspended more than any player in the history of college sports. I’m not exactly sure if that statement is 100 percent accurate, but has anyone in any sport been suspended five times?

Let me explain some Parenting 101 for the good folks in Columbia: If a child doesn’t fear consequences, he doesn’t fear doing the wrong thing. If you suspend a player five times, by the third time, the word “suspension” may as well mean “vacation.”

There’s no way around the reality of five suspensions. I don’t care the degree of the offenses or the manner in the way each was addressed.

This is the quarterback of the team, the extension of the coach; the one player who simply can’t do what he wants when he wants. The team follows his lead.

Football Just Needs To Get Here Already

I'm sick and tired of this fucking heat already and June just started. I need my football fix and I need it fast god damnit. The NFL owners need to stop being greedy assholes and renew the collective bargaining agreement and end the lockout. Let free agency begin. Now. And the college football season most definitely needs to get here fast before some other program is thrown to the NCAA wolves. While I like talking about the controversies I also like talking and watching the pigskin. In the meantime while my ball sweat drips down to my taint and slowly nestles in my hairy a-hole I will force you people to look at these pictures of Holly Madison throwing a pigskin. I know I'm such an asshole. A sweaty one apparently.

Go Irish!

Terrelle Pryor Undecided About Supplemental Draft

Seriously how in the holy hell is Ohio State Quarterback Terrelle Pryor undecided about entering the NFL Supplemental Draft? Do they not give away free rides in the pros? Oh that is why...

Via Adam Rittenberg's College Football Nation Blog...

As of now, Pryor remains an Ohio State Buckeye and only faces a five-game suspension at the start of the 2011 season. But a new NCAA investigation into Pryor and his use of cars -- coupled with the news that Pryor has been driving on a suspended license -- leave many wondering whether the quarterback has played his last down at Ohio State.

Now comes this tidbit from Willie Burns, Pryor's godfather and legal guardian, who tells colleague Joe Schad that Pryor is undecided about whether to enter the NFL's supplemental draft.
"He makes up his mind in a minute," Burns told Schad. "He says no one minute and then he may go the next."

The supplemental draft will take place in July if any players apply (none currently have). But Burns' quote indicates Pryor is considering the draft as an option.

The quarterback likely would only be eligible for the supplemental draft if his eligibility status at Ohio State changes. I hope whatever happens with Pryor and the NCAA, a solution is reached in time for the quarterback to enter the supplemental draft if it's his best recourse.

Listen TP. Your college career is over. It's as suspended as your license. Do the people of Columbus a favor and just get the hell out. We all know you aren't there for the education. You want to play football right? Well then move to Canada.

84 Egg Sandwich - Epic Meal Time

Could you imagine if you watched this in Africa? I can only imagine the looks you would receive. "What are you looking at toothpick?"

Via SI Extra Mustard

West Virginia's Dana Holgorsen Likes To Party

You know what they say. It takes a drunk to know a drunk. Well I have had my Ph.D secured for over a decade now and I can damn well tell you that Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia's new offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting, is as big as a drunk as there is. And now officials at West Virginia are getting worried.

Holgorsen has reportedly been involved in at least three and, perhaps, as many as six alcohol-related incidents in the last six months, according to multiple sources with knowledge of the situation.

The first five were hushed up, but the sixth incident at Mardi Gras Casino in Cross Lanes on May 18 has blown the cover off Holgorsen's embarrassing antics. Nitro police were called to the casino at about 3:20 a.m. on May 18 to remove an apparently intoxicated customer who didn't want to leave. Holgorsen was asked to step outside, sit on a bench and await a taxi. No charges were filed.

West Virginia school president James Clements is apparently not much of a partier and has considered Holgorsen's alcoholism/having a good time/behaving like a drunk college coed are not qualities he would consider as an outstanding reputation amongst the Mountaineers faithful. He has called on Athletic director Oliver Luck (father of Stanford QB Andrew) to keep a tight leash on Holgorsen or Luck will lose his job. Hmm, you wouldn't hear about this happening in Columbus. So Holgorsen is cleaning up like all good drunks do right? Not exactly.

The Intelligencer/Wheeling News-Register reported Saturday that Holgorsen allegedly was asked to leave both a bar inside Oglebay Park and, later, at Wheeling Island Hotel, Casino and Racetrack earlier this year.

Sources say there was also an incident at Pete Dye Golf Club in Bridgeport, W.Va., which involved Holgerson being told to leave and not come back. And, then, there are rumors of three incidents at the Morgantown hotel in which he lives, including being banned from the hotel bar.

Dude, how do you get fucking banned from the hotel bar? Apparently Holgorsen is close to hitting rock bottom. Nothing says drunk asshole then "guy who is not allowed to drink at the hotel anymore" tagged on you.

So what do you take from this story? Holgerson likes to drink and gamble and get kicked out of casinos. I think I just found my new best friend.

Shaq Retired Today...What A Second, Shaq Was Still Playing?

I could have sworn Shaq retired like 4 seasons ago. I don't follow the NBA religiously because it gets in the way of my alcoholism but I thought Shaq was done when he left the Miami Heat. I just now realized he played on the Boston Celtics last year. Fuck I'm so out of it. Well after 19 seasons Shaq is hanging up his size 23 shoes (you remember the Reebok Pumps? I had a pair) and going off into the sunset. Actually the big guy is more apt at creating an eclipse but you get the point. So what is next for Shaq? I'm going to say reality star. The guy will appear on The Apprentice or whatever other reality show will pay for his appearance and show off his goofy ass smile. The big guy lives an extravagant lifestyle so I'm sure we will be hearing an Antoine Walker-like tale in a few years about how he lost all his Benjamins. Maybe he can tour with the Fu Schnikins? What's up Doc?

THE NEW VEST IN PEACE O$U JIM TRESSEL SHIRT

This is probably the greatest smack talk t-shirt of all-time. No kidding. We call it the "VEST IN PEACE" shirt and already shirts are selling in the hundreds. This shirt is already a classic and it's not even a couple of hours old.

The front of the shirt is a traditional sweatervest gravestone with "VEST IN PEACE LIAR LIAR VEST ON FIRE 2001-2011 COLUMBUS, OHIO" etched on it.

On the back of the shirt it says "Tressel DOTTING THE i IN LIAR O$U $UCKEYE$."

You can get your very own shirt by ordering here at SportsCrack.com

Also available in RED for all the Nebraska and Wisconsin Fans...

Take A Deep Breath: Blake Lively Nude Pictures Leaked

Some people remember exactly where they were when Kennedy was shot or when they lost their virginity. Today I will remember exactly where I was when Gossip Girl star and currently Leonard Dicaprio's latest notch on the belt Blake Lively's nude pictures leaked on the internet. Obviously these pictures are NSFW and obviously they are fucking awesome. Click on the pictures to get the uncensored versions. Welcome to the summer heat! USA! USA! USA!



Blake Lively NSFW Nude Shot
Blake Lively NSFW Nude Shot 2
Blake Lively NSFW Nude Shot 3

NBA Finals Prediction

Before the season started we all kind of knew the best team in the NBA would be the Miami Heat. Sure we hated the way they were assembled with Lebron James doing an ESPN Special for a hour while slowly tearing out the collective heart of Clevelanders. It was unnecessary but once Chris Bosh signed too we figured the Heat were the odds-on favorites to win the Title. What we didn't know was how much they would struggle against winning ballclubs during the regular season. Literally the Heat sucked against teams like the Lakers, Mavericks, Celtics, Magic, etc. But now they are playing their best basketball and have advanced rather easily to the NBA Finals.

With the Heat in the Finals there is little doubt in my mind they win this series versus the Dallas Mavericks.

Dirk Nowitzki has played incredible throughout the playoffs and pretty much has put Dallas on his German shoulders. But now we have reached the Finals and the Heat just have too much star power. You know Dwayne Wade is going to play like a NBA Finals MVP. You know Lebron is going to be hustling his ass off and will be lockdown on defense. And you know Chris Bosh will be the glue that gets some key rebounds and scores some big time baskets inside.

Tonight I will take Dallas beating the +4.5 as dogs on the road.

Prediction: Heat 97 Mavericks 94

In the series I got the Heat winning in 6. It pays out 5.5.

Rugby Fan Gone Topless

I'm intentionally avoiding the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg story because honestly it just infuriates me too much so I figured I would post things that don't irritate me. Namely boobs. Oh yeah. Much better now.

Top 23 Air Jordans Presented By Playboy

I've never owned a pair of Air Jordan kicks. Now Playboys are a different story. What? I like the articles.

Softball? Not Exactly

I didn't even know this kind of shit was possible. Saturday's Baylor vs. Georgia softball game saw catcher Clare Hosack take one right off the face in the super regional game in Athens. It's not the first time a chick has taken one off the face in Athens. Zing!

Derek Dooley On The College Scandals

Tennessee Volunteers head football coach Derek Dooley was asked today by Clay Travis on what he tells his coaches about college scandals. His response was short but oh so sweet.

"If we get fired around here, it better be for losing ballgames."

It's Official: Terrelle Pryor Is Fucking Retarded

CREDIT: WBNS-TV COLUMBUS / DAN FRONCZAK by sportsxbrooks

This feels like one of those Saturday Night Live sketches. I mean REALLY? Your head coach just resigned because of issues with players getting cars and what do you show up in Terrelle Pryor? A fucking Nissan with dealer plates.

Smacks heads and laughs out loud. There is dumb. Then there is Terrelle Pryor dumb.

Buckeye Nation wants to put the blame on Roy Small for being a snitch. Well at least he doesn't flaunt it like Pryor does.

Video via SportsByBrooks

The Buckeyes Are Fucked

George Dohrmann's Sports Illustrated Investigation on the Ohio State Buckeyes football program was the final nail in the coffin for head coach Jim Tressel but it's really just the start of future sanctions.

For too long now Tressel has buried his head in the sand and let his players run amok with shady boosters, dirty tattoo parlors, and fast talking car salesmen while racking up the most important stat in college football: wins. In Dohrmann's article he reveals it was not just a few select players who bent the NCAA rules which Tressel and athletic director Gene Smith (who should also be fired) wanted everyone to believe. It was as much the players fault (at least 28 OSU players are alleged to have traded or sold memorabilia for either tattoos, money, cars or marijuana) as it was Tressel and the compliance office at Ohio State. It was a systematic disregard of the NCAA rules.

In four words: lack of institutional control.




The NCAA has already hammered USC for the Reggie Bush fiasco and stripped away the Heisman, National Championship, along with 30 scholarships and future bowl games. If Ohio State wants to avoid a stiffer penalty they need to stop pretending it never happened.

With Tressel's resignation it really is just the first domino to fall. Tressel is the first fall guy. Don't get me wrong the guy is a wolf dressed is a sweatervest hiding behind his "Christian" values shtick. But this goes to everyone around that football program. From the businesses to the boosters to the athletic director. The AD Smith should be fired or resign immediately. If Ohio State wants to save face and show they are not just another program gone rogue they need to clean house now. Not two months from now. Not a year from today. Right now.

The first order of business for Ohio State is a self imposed bowl suspension for at least this season. The Buckeyes already have 5 vital players suspended for the first 5 games of the season. Sure they could make a run for the Big Ten Championship but in all likelihood it will just be vacated later.

The second order of business is to suspend quarterback Terrelle Pryor for good. He should never wear a Buckeyes uniform again. Ever since his recruitment with his brand new Corvette Pryor has been pictured around campus driving at least 8 different cars with dealer tags on them. It's fairly obvious that Pryor has been taking handouts from anybody who offers. It's only a matter of time before the NCAA finds out Pryor has gotten Reggie Bush-like perks while in Columbus. If the Buckeyes want to wipe the slate clean they need to get rid of the shit.

The third order of business is to get a new compliance department. They haven't done their job. Plain and simple. It just amazes me how they couldn't know any of this stuff was happening especially when it involves your highest profile athletes and coach.

In conclusion if I were the Buckeyes and wanted to avoid any potential "death penalty" I would consider the 2011 season a probation season. If they self impose at least a one year postseason ban (no Big Ten Championship game or bowl game) and reduce scholarships by 15 over the next 3 years then I think they have a shot at getting past any possible future sanctions from the NCAA. But if they refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have continued to break NCAA rules and want to put all the blame on Tressel then they are going to get hammered by the NCAA.

Either way the Buckeyes football program is fucked in the short term. But if they have dreams of landing Urban Meyer in the future then 2011 needs to be a year of admitting your faults and sobering up while wiping the slate clean completely. Will it happen? Probably not. They are nuts after all up there.

Dick Move By Mike Bibby

I know in the grand scheme of things what Miami Heat's point guard Mike Bibby did isn't that big of a deal but it's still a dick move. You are a professional athlete. Act like one. Derrick Rose probably would have missed the free throw even without Bibby's throwing the towel because Rose is no Dirk.

I know Derrick Rose got the MVP and he had a tremendous regular season so I don't want to take anything away from that but he looked like shit this entire playoffs. Sure he has some brilliant plays and dunks but his shooting was terrible. I wouldn't even put him in the Allen Iverson class yet. At least Iverson could shoot 50% and hit his free throws. If Rose had a good series vs. the Heat then there is little doubt in my head the Bulls are in the Finals.

By the way I would love to see Bibby pulls this shit in Dallas with Dirk at the line. I can already see Mark Cuban clothes lining the asshole.