JOHN ABRAHAM MAKES JAKE LONG HIS BITCH

Jake Long made the Pro Bowl last year as a rookie. John Abraham for some reason didn't make the team despite having 16.5 sacks last year. Let's just say Abraham has taken it personal and will show the rest of the NFL who one of the best pure speed rushers is in the game right now. If he stays healthy there is no doubt he gets 20 sacks this season. The Atlanta Falcons will need every single one of those sacks if they are going to be legitimate contenders for the NFC Championship this year.

VIRGINIA CAVALIER FOOTBALL IS GRACEFUL

0-2 with losses to William and Mary and TCU (The Horned Frogs are legit) and this season is already off to a rocky start. Throw in the fact that your mascot can't stay on his horse and you know this is going to be a long season for any Cavalier fan. Just blast some Dave Matthews and pray that Al Groh retires or quits UVA fans. 2009 looks like another lost season.

NOT A GOOD WAY TO START THE SEASON FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS

The Chicago Bears started their 2009 season off with a bang last night and I'm not talking of the gang variety. Early in the first half they lost linebacker Brian Urlacher to a wrist injury. He did not return and now it has become official: he is lost for the season with a dislocated wrist. Ouch! To make matters worst last night the Bears lost to one of their arch rivals Green Bay Packers thanks to the newly acquired savor Jay Cutler. Cutler threw his 4th and final interception to seal a Bears defeat with less than a minute to go in the game. The loud booming cheer you heard wasn't from Packers fans. Nope, those were Denver chants. The Broncos fans could be heard all the way from the Rockies thanks to a "HAHA...GO F YOURSELF CUTLER!" feeling that simply overcame the state of Colorado.

I know I might get blasted on this since there are a ton of Bears fans who read this blog but I've never understood the fascination with Urlacher. It seems like the guy always missed more tackles than he actually made. He basically reminds me of Keith Brooking. Solid linebacker but not a guy who deserves to be considered one of the best at his position. Urlacher benefited from playing in Chicago and the Bears never having a franchise QB. I guess after last night we can still say that.

ROGER FEDERER BETWEEN THE LEGS SHOT

My balls shrivel at the thought of swinging a metal object forcefully between my legs but the world's greatest tennis player, Roger Federer, has balls of steel so he can do whatever he wants. Federer advances to his 17th final in the last 18 majors which is a phenomenal feat to face up and comer Juan Martin Del Potro who crushed Federer's main nemesis Rafa Nadal yesterday in straight sets. If Federer wins it will be his 16th grand slam title and his 6th US Open title in a row.

And yes, the only reason I'm writing about this is to completely forget about Saturday's events in Ann Arbor. The only thing I'm trying to remember for the good of my body and mind is that Michael Floyd proved yet again he is the most dominating receiver in college football. Floyd is the Larry Fitzgerald of college football.

CBS ANNOUNCER GUS JOHNSON GOES CRAZY AND I LOVE IT

All announcers should react to plays like this. Love the emotion CBS play-by-play guy Gus Johnson displayed here. I was watching this game after they cut to it immediately after the Atlanta Falcons beat the wildcat out of the Miami Dolphins today. Great way to start off the NFL season. It looks like we will see Michael Vick soon in an Eagles uniform. Starting QB Donovan McNabb broke a rib today. Vick still has to sit out next week but then come week 3 he should probably be starting. Ruh roh.

STATE TROOPERS SHOW SPURRIER NO RESPECT

Back in the day when Steve Spurrier was hanging 50 plus points on the Bulldogs while coaching at Florida nobody would dare due the fist bump right in front of him. How things have changed for the Ole Ball Coach.

MANTI TE'O STARTING VS MICHIGAN

Yes sir, Manti Te'o will be starting at outside linebacker according to ESPN GameDay. The Wolverines await a day of bruises, broken bones, and torn ligaments from the Hawaiian Hitman. His mission today is to destroy Michigan. This is inevitable. Don't believe me? Ask the Wolfpack how they felt after facing the young freshman sensation last week...



Prediction: Notre Dame 27 Skunkbears 17

ALABAMA FAN RICKY BOBBY GOES BESERK

I can laugh at this because thankfully nobody ever filmed me during the 2007 Notre Dame season. This rant from Alabama fan Ricky was tame in comparison to the bloodshed I spewed out to the television that year. Let's just say therapy (booze) got me through those difficult times.

In all honesty is this guy fucking crazy or what? Dude, it's the first game of the season and already the guy is having a seizure. Someone in his family, whomever hasn't disowned him, needs to sit him down and slap him with their Bear Bryant hat. Oh yeah, no doubt in my mind this video is real unedited emotion. This is College Football. This is Sportscrack behavior.

Video HT: BarStool Sports

2 MORE DAYS

Till DickRod and his Skunkbears run out onto the field of the Big House and get their shit absolutely throttled by Notre Dame. I am salivating at the -3 for this game for the Irish. Hell, Notre Dame will cover it by the opening series. Hopefully scUM will look this graceful when running out on the field this Saturday...



Video HT: Frank from UHND

BOBBY WTF WERE YOU THINKING?

The Atlanta Braves 2009 season came to an unofficial end last night as soon as stumbling manager Bobby Cox decided not to send rookie ace Tommy "Big Red" Hanson to finish his shutout in the 9th with a 1-0 lead. Cox fell for the bullshit 100 pitch garbage that seems to have prevailed over any common sense these days and pulled Hanson in favor of closer Rafael Soriano despite the fact that Big Red was cruising and was still hitting 95 on the radar in the 8th. Once Hanson finished the 8th he had reached 98 pitches and because Cox is a moron pulled him because he thought throwing 12 or more pitches in the 9th to finish off his first career shutout would be too much for a 23 year old to handle.

Fucking idiot!

Listen, I don't like the 100 pitch count. A round number of 100 pitches does not make or break one's arm. Hanson and most importantly the Braves would be fine today if Cox would have let the kid stay in the game and finish his shutout. Maybe I'm old school but I think starting pitchers should be given the chance to finish games especially when it's someone who is his hitting mid 90's in the 8th and having his way with batters. This idea of a closer having to be there in the 9th to finish the game is conventional bullshit. It's this idea of trends in sports that drives me crazy and everyone follows it like a flock of sheep. Listen, just because everybody else uses the Wildcat offense in football now doesn't mean you have to use it and the same goes with the closer and the 100 pitch count in baseball.

Think for yourself and do what is best for the team. Pulling Hanson last night was just plain dumb. It made absolutely no sense and Bobby Cox, I hate to say it, has seen his time and now the Braves need to make a change. With all of their pitching this Atlanta Braves team has massively under achieved in what as hard as it is for me to admit was a great offseason for Frank Wren. Wren brought in the proper pieces to contend at the very least for a Wild Card. Bobby Cox and his managing has failed. Why he kept Kelly Johnson in for so long at 2nd base to start the season and why he continues to put Greg effing Norton in their to pinch hit in clutch situations are just minor examples of his failure this season.

It's time for a change. Let's just hope the Braves have enough balls to make the difficult decision and let Cox go.

DO YOU GET IT IN THE CAN?

I thought everybody took it in the can at least once? Don't act like you haven't. Sinners. All of you.

VIDEO HT: BarStoolSports

US OPEN HAS GREAT SECURITY

Dude, were they going to wait till the guy got on his knees and started sucking him off? Seriously, what the hell is security doing? Apparently this is acceptable behavior in New York City because nobody even freaked out when the intruder tried to kiss Rafael Nadal on the lips.

You know how I know tennis is gay? Because of shit like this. Actually I'm not going to lie, I've been watching a ton of the US Open this year because of Marietta's Melanie Oudin. What can I say other than 17 year old girls from the South just manage to grab my attention when they are sweating and swinging a racket while grunting. So innocent yet so animalistic. Yes, I can feel those flames right now. Or is that Craig Hansen? Either way I'm on my way to hell.

JEFFTCARVER WON WEEK 1 PICK EM CONTEST

Congratulations go out to jefftcarver who went 13-3 in his College Football Pick Em points and amassed the most points with 119, narrowly defeating notre damian and rmkdhk whom both scored 118. It looked like I did pretty shitty the first week finishing 35th. I shouldn't have ever picked Rutgers or put so many points on Oklahoma. Fucking Sam Bradford and his shoulder. Anywho, jefftcarver wins a free Sportscrack shirt or mini helmet of his choosing. Be sure to email me jeff whenever you get the chance.

Make sure you guys and gals go ahead and put in your picks for this week. Every week somebody will be a winner. If you haven't signed up it's not too late to join. Just go to www.funofficepools.com, click on the JOIN A POOL link at the top, click on the College Football Pick Em from the drop down menu, the pool name is Sportscrack.com (make sure you type it in exactly like this with the S capitalized), don't worry about the password, and make your selections.

And by the way the picture above is Kelly Brook from the GQ Awards which you can view over at WWTDD.com. Why is she up there you ask? Because it just doesn't matter, that's why!

THANK THE LORD THIS GUY DIDN'T GO TO USC

Arizona State freshman linebacker Vontaze Burfict laid down the wood on ISU's quarterback Russell Hill Saturday night and the first thing that came to my mind was "Holy hell, thank you for not letting this beast of a linebacker go to USC." Burfict was originally committed to USC but at a last second reversal of plan ($$$$) decided to travel east to Arizona State. It made perfect sense since USC "graduated" all 3 of their starting linebackers to the NFL to instead go to Arizona State. Made almost as much sense as Manti Te'o going to Notre Dame. I sure as shit am happy they chose their own path.

Video HT: EDSBS

HIGH SCHOOL KICKER NAILS 67 YARD FIELD GOAL

Legacy High School (Broomfield, CO) kicker Kip "Iron Foot" Smith got an opportunity last week to capitalize on a little known rule of a free kick after his team made a fair catch at their 43 yard line at the end of the first half. Obviously the kid nails the field goal which sets a new state record and later was seen nailing anything with a skirt. Dude, the kid hit a 67 fucking yarder! He better be getting mad tail after that accomplishment.

Video HT: FanIQ

LATEST BETWEEN TWO FERNS

Charlize Theron makes an appearance with Zach Galifianakis and all I can say is wow, how does this chick not get more attention in Hollywood?...

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

OBAMA IS THE DEVIL!

Not really but I had to laugh at this interview parody involving our President talking to kids in school...


Video HT: MacG

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10 CFB POLL

1. FLORIDA GATORS-The Gators beat the shit out of Charleston Southern but they did not cover the spread. Losers. All kidding aside they looked really good against an inferior opponent and managed to stay away from any serious injuries. They should cruise again this week against Troy.

2. TEXAS LONGHORNS-Colt McCoy and the offense looked at midseason form vs. Louisiana Monroe and The Real McCoy is the first Longhorn QB to pass for 10,000 yards in his career. They get another warmup game this week against Wyoming before they face the Red Raiders in a Saturday night revenge game in Austin.

3. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE-The scoreboard said they only won by 10 points but make no mistake the Crimson Tide dominated Virginia Tech in the Georgia Dome Saturday night. Their offense moved the ball with ease against a decent Hokies defense. If the Tide continue to put up points they have a good enough defense to not only contend for a SEC Title but a National Championship. This week against Florida International should be no problem.

4. USC TROJANS-The freshman looked good. Real good actually. Matt Barkley completed 15 of 19 for 233 yards and the Trojans offense didn't skip a beat while piling up over 600 yards. The defense was against Trojan-like, holding San Jose State to only 121 yards in a 56-3 romping. I have no doubt in my mind the Trojans will destroy the Buckeyes this week in Columbus and cover the 4 point spread.

5. PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS-The Nittany Lions weren't overly impressive against Akron in week 1 but this team should get better as the season progresses. Daryl Clark looks like a legitimate Heisman contender and looking at their schedule I wouldn't be surprised to see them go undefeated during the regular season.

6. OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS-Okie State looked good and took advantage of some questionable calls by the refs to destroy Georgia 24-10 in one of their biggest games in their history. I still don't think their defense is championship calibre but if their offense continues to put up points don't be surprised if they make a legitimate run for the Big 12 South Title this year against Texas. Notice how I didn't mention the Sooners? They are done.

7. OLE MISS REBELS-Horrible first half, great second half. The Rebels have a ton of athletes who managed to take over in the second half against a poor Memphis team. A good warm up game for Jevan Snead (who came nowhere near his Heisman preseason talk in this battle) and Ole Miss to work on some things. They got SE Louisiana after the off week this week so they have plenty of time to not lose.

8. CALIFORNIA BEARS-They absolutely destroyed Maryland Saturday night. If there is one team that could possibly beat USC it is this Cal squad. Jahvid Best looked like the best runningback in the nation (apologies to Jonathan Dwyer) and should put up more All American numbers this week against Eastern Shithole...uh Michigan I meant to say.

9. BRIGHAM YOUNG COUGARS-Those mother fucking Mormons did it, they beat the Sooners. They knocked around Heisman winner Sam Bradford until finally delivering the knockout punch in the second quarter. BYU's defense looked incredible Saturday night and with Max Hall back at QB it wouldn't be much of a surprise if this team goes to a BCS bowl. And yes, they would deserve it especially if they go undefeated.

10. LSU TIGERS-LSU will get better as the season goes on but they do have a lot of things to work on. Their defense looked awful against Washington. They got torn up for nearly 500 total yards. Right now this team is top 10 on name alone. If they can't get their defense and offense rolling they could lose to Vandy at home this week. Don't laugh, I'm being serious.

Just missed the cut: Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Ohio State Buckeyes, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Boise State Broncos, North Carolina Tarheels

What do you guys and gals think? Feel free to leave your comments below.

TERRELLE PRYOR LOVES MICHAEL VICK

From the World Of Isaac comes this memorable quote from Terrelle Pryor on why he wore Michael Vick's name on his eye black yesterday during the Buckeye's close win over the Naval Academy...

Not everybody’s the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever.

Umm...ok...WOW is all I have to say. I didn't realize that "everyone kills people" when they aren't playing football. Holy shit, this guy has to be the dumbest collegiate athlete on campus right now. Frankly I would be embarrassed if I were a Buckeye fan and this guy represented our team.

PENN STATE LOOKED GOOD YESTERDAY

But seriously, what's up with the kid with the purple cape? Nerd!