THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Reds have finally decided to call-up superstar prospect Jay Bruce for tonight's game against the Shitsburgh Pirates. It's about fucking time! Bruce has been destroying AAA pitching this season and has little if anything left to prove in the minors. The Reds outfield of Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr., and Corey Patterson has been weak all season so I'm not sure what the hold up was in keeping Bruce down at Louisville. Bruce will more than likely start tonight in centerfield which means once prized Cubs prospect Corey Patterson could be getting his release papers today. At least this now gives me a reason to watch the Reds play tonight against the lowly Pirates on the MLB package.

-Speaking of rookies, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw made his MLB debut the other day against the St. Louis Cardinals and was extremely impressive for a 20 year old. The 6-foot-3 lefty walked one, gave up 5 hits, and struck out 7 while giving up 2 runs in 6 innings of work. His fastball was hitting 96 while his breaking ball was buckling knees while hitting the mid 70's. When the Orioles were talking to the Dodgers to see what kind of interest they would have with Erik Bedard during the offseason the main prospect the O's were interested in was Kershaw. It appears from a distance the Dodgers made the right move in keeping Kershaw. He has future ace written all over him. Plus he replaces Jason Schmidt in the rotation because the old man can't take a shit without going on the disabled list.

-Chase Utley drove in 6 runs in a 20-5 rout over the Colorado Rockies. The Phillies are starting play good ball but what in the hell happened to the Rockies? They sit at 20-31 and look like they will suck balls all season. I guess their magical mystical run to the World Series last season was just that. Their pitching is pathetic and their offense is non-existent without Holliday and Tulowitzki in the lineup. Clint Hurdle needs to work on his constantly red alcoholism face by chugging more Jack in the dugout, it's going to be a long season in Denver.

-Damn, Brandon Webb might now lose 9 in a row. Webb suffered his second straight defeat yesterday in Atlanta after winning his first 9 games. Of course his defense didn't help him as 3B Mark Reynolds committed his 9th error of the season thus leading the Braves to another easy home victory and a split of the 4 game series. Severna Park native and hopefully future O's player Mark Teixeria collected 4 RBI's as the Braves improved to 22-7 at home while sitting tied with the Phillies for second place in the National League East.

-Finally Nick Markakis
broke out of his your "slowly killing Fairchild to death slump" yesterday by clobbering a homerun while going 3-4 against the hated New York Yankees in helping rookie Garrett Olson pick up his 4th win of the season. Hopefully the "confidence booster" of yesterday's performance will help Kakes reestablish himself as one of the top young talents in the game. His strikeout ratio has been alarmingly high and either he needs to make some adjustments in his long stroke or hitting coach Terry Crowley needs to be fired asap. With the way the O's have been hitting all season, or shall I say lack of hitting, I think Crowley needs to get the pink slip now.

NBA
-The Pistons beat the Celtics to even the series at 2-2. An interesting point my wife made to me last night while we were watching the game, she thinks the Pistons are a better team because they have set plays while the Celtics pretty much hand it to either Garnett, Pierce, or Allen and tell them to do their thing. She has a good point and I think the Pistons will win game 5 in Boston. Mark it down because as marriage is teaching me, never, ever, disagree with the old lady. Now excuse me while I go wash out the sand out of my vagina.

NHL
-What in the holy hell has happened to the Pittsburgh Penguins? They have been shut out twice by the mighty Detroit Red Wings and even their goaltender Marc Andre Fleury is choking while trying to run out on the ice...

Graceful, isn't he? Evgeni Malkin and Marian Hossa have been non factors so far for the Penguins and unless both of them step up quickly there is a good chance they could get swept. If you smell a faint odor of pooh it's a good chance it's from the NHL commissioner's box after seeing his poster boy in Sidney Crosby being held without a point in the first two games on the biggest stage.

NFL
-Vince Young almost quit after his rookie season in order to party shirtless with a bunch of dugans. The picture on the right is of him partying in the meat packing district while sweating profusely because Madonna's latest with JT is off the hook. If you don't think Young is bringing back the queer while roping the steers in Texas well then you haven't been listening to him...

"I really thought long and hard about it," Young told the Web site.

Only porn stars, catholic girls, and gay men think about things long and hard. And to top it all off Young had these priceless quotes...

"I have a stronger circle," Young told the Web site. "Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I'm representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I've learned from my life."

What about George Michael and Pee Wee Herman? It's only a matter of time before Vince in caught rubbing one off in a urinal with some other dude. In fact Vegas should start taking action on it.

-Tony Romo is still dating, or shall I say shagging, Jessica Simpson. But Tony might want to watch his back in case some other drunk dude decides to make a pass...
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.


COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Steroids and HGH do a body good. Especially a linebacker named Brian Cushing who just happens to play at USC...

Cushing is from New Jersey originally(Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!) and the first picture on the left is him off the juice with a serious set of man boobs. Think of Meatloaf in "Fight Club." Now he is back on the juice. Think of Sylvester Stallone in everything. It's just a matter of time before Latimer, I mean Cushing, grinds on some girl and throws her across the room because "she was leading him on!"

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

Sportscrack wants to thank all the veterans and current troops who have sacrificed their lives so we can enjoy ball games and curse at the televisions when things don't go our team's way.

PILLOW TALK

Isn't this what we all wish for? I thought so...

GEORGIA TECH LANDS TOP OPTION QB IN JORDAN LUALLEN

Yesterday Georgia Tech picked up one of it's biggest commitments so far in the Paul Johnson era by landing top 15 QB Jordan Luallen. Luallen is a dual-threat quarterback out of Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana and turned down offers from Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisville, Maryland, Purdue, Stanford, and Cincinnati to pick the Yellow Jackets. He is a tall QB at 6-foot-3 who can scramble and scored 25 total touchdowns last season in helping his team to a 9-2 record.

Luallen should fit in perfectly for Johnson's triple option/spread offense he is looking to establish this fall in his first season on the Flats. Many pundits didn't think Johnson could land a top QB with his offense that almost ran to perfection at Navy the past few seasons. Johnson proved them wrong. Landing a recruit the stature of Luallen can only help and signals to other recruits that Johnson could have a top 20 class due signing day.

Now if only they can recruit 4 and 5 star recruits at every other position then they may have a chance to beat in-state rival Georgia. Key word: MAY.

IRISH LAND NASTY LB IN CARLO CALABRESE

The Fighting Irish have been needing a hard-nosed, punishing linebacker who loves to destroy the other team's players to fit into Jon Tenuta's blitzing attack and it looks like they found the perfect match in LB Carlo Calabrese of New Jersey. Yesterday Calabrese committed to Notre Dame and head coach Charlie Weis making him the 5th commitment and 3rd out of the Garden State in the 2009 class.

Calabrese looks like an old throwback type of football player who always plays with a ton of emotion and simply loves to hit people.

"I like hitting kids," Calabrese said. "That's my favorite thing."

Calabrese is the perfect fit for the MIKE position at ILB for Notre Dame. He has great instincts for the ball and is already big enough and strong enough to compete for playing time once he arrives on campus in 2009. He knows how to shed blocks and plays with a solid base which should make him an excellent middle linebacker in college with the ability to stop the run. At 6-foot-2, 225 pounds, he is built like a big rig and hits like one too. Looking at this picture will give you a better understanding of just how strong and big he is coming out of Verona High School(same high school as former Notre Dame tight end and current Miami Dolphin Anthony Fasano) in New Jersey.

Calabrese looks like a freak of nature and if I had to compare him to someone coming out of high school I would say he reminds me a lot of Takeo Spikes. He just seems like he knows where the football is going to go and quickly beats the opponent to the spot and then...well, he simply crushes them. Calabrese will become an instant fan favorite in South Bend with the way he plays the game and the emotion and heart he leaves out on the football field every Saturday. He is by far my favorite recruit in this class because of the energy he brings to the field and should be an excellent recruiter for the 2009 class which can reach the high teens in numbers.

Here are some highlights of Calabrese absolutely destroying the opposition while foaming at the mouth...

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Braves completed the 4 game sweep of the pathetic New York Mets yesterday behind an exceptional pitching performance by Tim Hudson and some timely hitting by Met-killer Larry Jones. The crowd was electric last night with the brooms out in full force as the Braves mounted a comeback against lefty ace Johan Santana by scoring 3 runs in the 7th thanks to a RBI single by Chipper to take the lead with runners on first and third.

"You live for that moment." "It was awesome; we played great," said Jones, who went 2-for-4 to raise his major league-leading average from .410 to .412. "When we look back at the end of the season ... most fun we had all year on the field. Just great.""

I might have been wrong about the Braves this season. I didn't think they could compete in a division with the Phillies and the Mets with their pitching but starters Tom Glavine and especially Jair Jurrjens have both been pleasant surprises. The Braves are now a NL best 20-5 at home but still have the major leagues worst road record at 6-16. The bullpen has a lot of question marks too but the lineup is really coming together with Mark Teixeria, Kelly Johnson and Brian McCann all heating up as the Ted gets hotter in late May. The Diamondbacks come in for a 3 game series starting today in what should be a good barometer of this Braves team in that the D'Backs are clearly a better team than the Mets.

-Speaking of the D'Backs, they come to Atlanta after being sweeped in a 3 game series by the Florida Marlins. Young lefty Andrew Miller(acquired in the Cabrera trade) shut out the D'Backs for seven innings while striking out 9 batters to improve the Marlins record to a NL East best 27-19. With a $22 million payroll and a roster full of young guys it would be hard to imagine this Marlins squad playing this well so far into the season. The Marlins are playing great baseball and didn't even commit an error during the 3 game sweep.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 8th in a row with a 3-1 victory over the slumping Cleveland Indians. The Indians can't hit worth a shit and are last in the Majors in batting average and runs scored.

-What are the Reds waiting for in Jay Bruce? The Major League's top overall prospect, Bruce is tearing it up in the minors with a .369 batting average with 24 extra base hits. The Reds suck balls right now so why not call him up? Maybe Dusty Baker has plans of blowing out Cueto and Volquez's arms before calling up Bruce.

-I'm going to say it once and that is it: Instant replay is stupid in baseball.

NBA
-Down go the Celtics on their home court. The Pistons tied the series last night handing the Celtics their first home loss in the playoffs. The NBA's nightmare scenario could come to fruition if the Spurs beat the Lakers tonight on their home court. Of course David Stern won't let this happen just like he wouldn't let the Bulls not get the #1 pick in the draft.

NHL
-Nothing remotely fucking interesting happened yesterday other than one more painful day till the Stanley Cup Finals begin.

NFL
-Teammates are already taunting Matt Ryan. Only a matter of time before he goes into Ryan Leaf meltdown mode playing behind a questionable offensive line.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Some big recruiting news for both Notre Dame and Georgia Tech. I will have more on this later as the Fighting Irish land a punishing linebacker and the Yellow Jackets get a verbal from an option QB.

HUDSON VS. SANTANA TONIGHT

I'm out of here people for tonight..off to go see Tim Hudson try to complete the four game sweep of the New York Mets against Johan Santana. And don't worry, I will be drunk with plenty of handrails to slide down. I will update you guys tomorrow. Happy Thursday before Memorial Day weekend mother effers!

STANLEY CUP TROPHY MONTAGE

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

I got the good fortune this past January to attend the NHL Player's Party during the All-Star game weekend here in Atlanta and personally see the Stanley Cup up close. Something is magical about it. Granted I had a few drinks in me but I still got a case of the goosebumps as soon as I saw it. I couldn't help but stare at it in amazement like I was 12 years old all over again after I ordered the Spice Channel so me and my buds could watch it. It is by far the best trophy in all of sports and easily the most recognized throughout the world. Lord Stanley Cup is a representation of the blood, sweat and tears every NHL player battles through their whole life just to get a chance to raise it. This Saturday the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins will battle for the right to hoist it. I will be watching but I wonder if you will? Be so kind and participate in the poll on the right sidebar of this page.

Prediction: Penguins take it in 6.

C.C. SABATHIA BLOWS ONE OUT

Nothing wrong with Big C.C. busting out a cheek rippler in front of his teammates in the dugout. Maybe this explains why the Indians and Sabathia have been so down right stinky this season. Jim Leyland approves of this message by blowing farts out of his trachea in case you were wondering.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE GREATEST SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COVER EVER?

I'm not even a comic book fan but I really love this new cover of Sports Illustrated. Of course I'm not ready to jump on the bandwagon of pundits who believe the New York Yankees are done. A baseball season is not a sprint but a marathon. A really long fucking marathon that consists of a 162 games. While I will be the first to admit I love seeing the Yankees get their asses handed to them night in and night out I also believe this team has way too much talent to just throw in the towel a quarter of the season into it. The Yankees starting pitching has been bad lately and it will be interesting to see how Joba Chamberlain pitches going into the 4th and 5th innings when he could be gassed.

I'm also not sure if Tampa Bay can keep up with their current performance. They might have a lot of young talent but they also have holes. They don't score a lot of runs and their starting pitching is still really young with guys who are unproven. I will be rooting for them every time they play with the exception of their match ups with the Orioles but I can see them fading over the long haul of the season. I hope I'm wrong because I like watching the Rays play baseball. I would kill to have either one of a Carl Crawford, BJ Upton, or Evan Longoria in my starting lineup. But let's be realistic for once on this site and see that the Rays will only go so far as their starting pitching and bullpen leads them. With Troy Percival as the closer I wouldn't be laying too many prop bets on them reaching the playoffs this year. Next year they could be one of the best teams in the majors especially if they hit a homerun with their #1 pick in the MLB draft, say picking up catcher Buster Posey who could reach the big league team fast as a catcher.

But I got to give kudos out to SI for the cover. I'm sure a lot of comic book nerds will be swooping in Barnes and Nobles throughout the country and buying it and sealing it within their acid free room.

ALBERT PUJOLS TAKES OUT PITCHER AND CATCHER

Apparently Pujols isn't a Padres fan. In the span of one inning he takes out pitcher Chris Young with a line drive straight to the nose and then absolutely destroys catcher Josh Bard's ankle with a clean slide at home.

But hey, at least he gave a little prayer for both of them. A prayer to poop on them.

HT: WithLeather via FanIQ

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Brandon Webb failed to pick up his 10th win in his first 10 starts by losing to the Florida Marlins 3-1 on Wednesday night. He was bidding to become only the 3rd pitcher since World War I to win his first 10 starts and I'm sure he soured his throat with random Miami trix to get over the whole ordeal of putting a loss on his record. The Marlins won their second straight against the D Backs despite sitting Hanley Ramirez out because of a recent 1-15 slump. Yeah, the $70 million must be getting to him.

-Talk about ruining the feeling of a great Braves win over the Mets, some fan died last night after falling 150 feet from the upper deck. Apparently the 25 year old Cumming man was drunk. Shocker. On to brighter things, the Braves go for the 4 game sweep today as Tim Hudson squares off against Johan Santana. In what should be a great pitching duel, look for Willie Randolph to be stoic and claim racism whenever his team loses. I'm still trying to confirm if Randolph and Ty Willingham are long lost brothers.

-Eric Gagne was sent back to Milwaukee to exam his all-out shithole pitching shoulder that has been ravaged for years by not doing any more steroids. One of the worst off-season signings in recent memory(Andruw Jones begs to differ) the Brewers are getting exactly what everyone knew they were getting in Gagne: crap. Red Sox fans laugh in amusement.

-The New York Yankees stormed back and destroyed my beloved Orioles last night 8-0. Darrell Rasner won his 3rd game since being called up and A-Hole hit another homerun since coming off the disabled list. And oh yeah, Joba Chamberlain is getting put into the starting rotation finally to the sweaty laughter of Hank Steinbrenner.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 7th in a row thanks to Jermaine Dye's 2 HR performance. The White Sox are now in first place while the Cleveland Indians continue to struggle putting runs on the board.

-The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Red yesterday behind a brilliant 8 inning pitching performance by some Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda. Loyal reader Mike Martin continues to plot Dusty Baker's mysterious disappearance.

NBA
-The asshole Los Angeles Lakers came back from a 20 point deficit in the third quarter to beat the San Antonio Spurs 89-85. Maybe calling them a-holes is a little harsh but I got $40 riding on the Spurs in this series with my buddy Blick who is a huge Lakers fan. Kobe Bryant only scored 3 points in the first half but then absolutely raped the Spurs in the second half with 24 points. And by raped I meant he held down Manu and his flopping ways and gave him the business. Tim Duncan looked impressive in the lost with his Scottie Pippen kisses off the board but even he couldn't stop the Bryant rape in the second half.


NFL
-Jason Taylor has informed head coach Tony Sporano he won't be attending any more camps because...fuck...he has gone all Hollywood on them. Dancing with the Stars has changed his life and if Bill Parcells can't take it like a man or a woman then they just need to go ahead and trade him. Taylor needs to man the fuck up and get back to what he does best...dancing of course.


-Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is getting married this weekend to former Redskin cheerleader Christy. Why should you care? Only because Cooley might be the coolest, straight up mofo in the NFL. He has his own blog in which he is about as frank and honest as possible including talking about getting drunk with his future father-in-law by trying to out drink him and stating he might sit Redskin's owner Daniel Snyder next to one his drunk uncles because he honestly doesn't care. He also has a "man room" in which he can smoke cigars, swig whiskey, and play poker without the old lady bothering him. Plus his future wife is not on the ugly side. Hell, I'm not going to lie, after reading his blog I'm now a huge Cooley fan and I was raised to hate the Redskins. Oh yeah, his old lady pictured on the right should make a lot of people jealous of Cool Cat Cooley. HT goes to WithLeather for bringing this to my attention.

NHL
-Good lord, Jeremy Roenick and Jaromir Jagr still play in the NHL. Roenick resigned with the Sharks for 2008 in what will now be his 21st season. If you played NHL Hockey 1993 edition on Sega Genesis you remember how good Roenick was with the puck around the net. He was fucking automatic as was Steve Larmer on his Chicago Blackhawks team that edition.

The New York Post is reporting that the Rangers are in discussion with Jagr about an extension. Jagr still has game as he led the Rangers with 15 playoff points and 71 regular season point this year. There has been talk about him retiring or even playing in Russia after just finishing out his $78 million dollar contract he signed back in 2001.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-You know how I know that USC is gay?

Because their stinking band plays on American Idol...

Video HT: EDSBS

DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY

I'm sitting here in my living room mast...er...um...watching the UEFA Championship between Manchester United and Chelsea and I figured I would share a picture of my honeymoon from Europe. As you can see in the picture above which was taken in Heidelberg, Germany in a castle still intact after being bombed by the French in the late 1700's is the fact that the Germans really love their booze. Behind me is a giant wooden keg that holds up to 55,000 gallons of booze. As you can see I was wearing my Drink Like A Champion shirt because everyday in Germany they drink like it's their last. Apparently Europe has rubbed it's mayonnaise hands all over my body and soul because now I am sitting here watching a soccer match in penalty kicks and I am completely enthralled in two teams from England competing for a championship I could have cared less about less than 3 weeks ago.

Game over. Manchester United just won on penalty kicks in the driving rain in Moscow. Ronaldo can now lick some balls with his gay ass European haircut. Apparently the mullet has come back in fashion in Europe as all the cool kids are wearing it while spiking their hair up in the front like it's mohawk. Not this square American asshole!

Ahhh...I feel so much better now.

POINTLESS POST OF THE DAY

I know most of them are pointless but I just felt the need to post this old sketch from Mr. Show. It's probably not safe for work but we could care less because little on this website is safe for work. And if your boss has a problem with SportsCrack well you can tell him to suck a fart out of my ass. But say it politely after you take two weeks paid vacation...

HUNTER PENCE'S GIRLFRIEND

Major kudos goes out to PinkMeatCompany.com
for unveiling these pictures of Terri B who just happens to be the girlfriend of Houston Astros center fielder Hunter Pence. See these are the perks of being a major league baseball player. It's not so much the money or the fame or the cars or the houses. It's the spectacular poon you can pull even if you are not the greatest looking thing in the world. Terri is apparently a part-time model/bartender/none of us give a shit just show us more pictures. Okay, here you go...

I'm sure Hunter uses her bikinis to floss his teeth.

Bless her, she is too poor to even buy clothes. Hunter has surely helped her affliction.

PinkMeatCompany is now my new favorite name for a website. Simply brilliant!

Thanks to TheBigLead for the referral.

JIM LEYLAND DOESN'T GIVE A F@#*

I love it when players and coaches tell it like it is. Jim Leyland, manager of the last place Detroit Tigers even though they were suppose to contend in many people's minds as the best team in the Majors this season with the Red Sox, goes off on the report that former Tigers player Jason Grilli says the Detroit team lost something once Sean Casey was gone.

The only thing that makes me Leyland mad is when somebody takes my last beer out of MY fridge and then doesn't confess to it. Sure, I might strangle you if you confess but it's better than when I blackout and wake up in a pool full of somebody else's blood.

Video HT: Deadspin via TheWorldOfIsaac

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Mike Piazza retires. America's favorite, or shall I say New Yorkers favorite poster boy for all things allegedly gay, ballplayer is now officially retired after sitting on his ass for the past 6 weeks of the 2008 season. A sure-fire first ballot Hall-of-Famer, Piazza finished his career with 427 dingers in which 397 of them were from the catcher position(MLB record). And by catcher I mean bent over with a ball gag in his mouth. And by dingers I mean dongs. I'm sorry, but he was a Met and he is going to go down in history as the guy who Rocket had one of his steroid induced rages at during some bullshit World Series that nobody outside of New York and New Jersey watched.

-Speaking of the Mets, how about that ass kicking doubleheader sweep they suffered from the Atlanta Braves yesterday? A thing of beauty in my book, the Braves used two good starting pitching performances by veteran Tom Glavine and new comer Jorge Campillo to quiet the Met's bats. Chipper aka Larry Jones continues to use the Mets as his personal beat off sock by collecting 3 more hits and raising his average to .408 which is slightly under the rate of strange vagina he hits on during road trips.

-The O's crushed and knocked out former Oriole Mike Mussina and his Yankees comrades by scoring a 7 spot in the first inning thanks to Gold Glover Derek Jeter...oh shit, how in the hell has he won a Gold Glove again? Well, anyways he committed a costly throwing error to keep the inning going with two outs in the first and for doing so got hit in his glove hand by a 96 MPH fastball from Daniel Cabrera in his second at-bat. This of course pissed off the Yankees because they love Jeter's mangina so much they throw at the forgettable Luke Scott's head thus causing the benches and bullpens to clear. No punches thrown, one player ejected, countless Yankees fans left with their gashes torn and broken. Youngster Adam Jones(not the Pacman guy) collected 4 hits and 4 RBI's while George Sherrill still leads the Major Leagues in saves. Yeah, that Erik Bedard trade is looking pretty sweet right now.

-What in the hell has Dan Uggla been eating? I know Cuban sandwiches are good but I didn't realize they could make you stroke the ball so well.Uggs hit his 11th homer of the month in helping the Marlins defeat another division leading team in first place Arizona Diamondbacks 3-2. Uggla now has 14 roundtrippers and the Marlins have now been in first place since the season started. The crowd of just over 10,000 in south Florida doesn't seem to care too much. Pathetic.

-Jonathan Mayo of MLB.com has his draft projections up. I have my fingers crossed Tim Beckham or Pedro Alvarez slip through the cracks to the Orioles at the #4 spot.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons on their home court, I know, shocker there, to take the 1st game of the Eastern Conference Finals. I of course watched about 10 minutes of the game because Eastern Basketball bores the shit out of me. The real fun starts tonight as the Spurs travel to LA to take on the Lakers.

-Somehow, someway, the Bulls won the NBA lottery last night thus getting the chance to draft either Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. Let me be one of the countless of others to say it: The Draft Lottery System is fucking stupid. The Bulls had a 1.7% chance of winning it and yet they did. Can you say rigged? The worst team should get the first pick and not the 9th worst team as the Bulls were this past season. Who would you take with the first pick? Beasley looks like another Elton Brand but Derrick Rose looks like he could be another Chris Paul. I would take Beasley because the Bulls already have a point in Kirk Hinrich but it would be damn hard to pass on a Rose.

NFL
-The NFL owners opted out of the labor deal for 2010 and one of the main reasons was because of doggy killer Michael Vick. See, the Falcons only recouped 3 million back on a 20 million dollar bonus they gave to Vick when he signed his contract despite now being in jail. I say fuck the owners and guys like Arthur Blank. You were stupid enough to give him all that money and then you learn your lesson by giving Matt Ryan the biggest bonus ever. Fuck the rich owners. The players when they walk away, if they can, will never be the same. The owners just get fatter and screw more dead hookers than the USC football team. I'm on the player's side on this one.

-The St. Louis Rams might be moving back to LA. I know it's kind of old news but why would they want to move out of St. Louis? They won a Super Bowl there and the fan support is pretty decent from what I can tell. LA could care less about an NFL team plus they already have one in South Central.

NHL
-Jesus Christ! The Stanley Cup Finals don't start till Saturday! I guess we can spend a week talking about a matchup that the NHL loves. I'm pulling for the Penguins and Marian Hossa.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Just get here already. Please. And give me a playoff. Now.

A WONDERFUL NEW DRUG

MATT RYAN SIGNS HUGE DEAL WITH FALCONS

Well, it's now official. Matt Ryan is one of the highest paid NFL Quarterbacks in the game now after agreeing to a six year, $72 million contract that includes $34.75 million in guarantees. And by guarantees, I mean shit like this happening at the Georgia Dome for the next 5 years till he is released...

A lot of quarterbacks throw 19 interceptions their senior season and then get rewarded with a huge signing bonus by a team which has no clue how to compete in the NFL. Actually, no, Matt Ryan is the only one. Good luck dealing with the pressure and make sure you keep your food down...

Yeah, what a winner in the Cade McNown way.

RUNNING OF THE TOILETS AT PREAKNESS

The last time I attended Preakness was in 2001 and I can honestly say I don't remember this ritual of running on top of the shitters. More than likely I was way too drunk to remember a lot of shit happening in the infield but I can remember seeing a guy break his nose by receiving a punch from a topless lady. It was one of the most remarkable things I have ever witnessed. Jon Lester couldn't hold a candle to this broad who with one punch and two big boobs made a lasting impression that will surely go on my gravestone.

Preakness isn't just a horse race people. It's a rite of passage. And some people, like the idiot above who surely broke his neck in the fall must die so we can live another day and give us mere mortals more water cooler talk. He did not die in vain or stupidity because he will now live in eternity with this video. God bless all the drunk idiots.

CALIFORNIA GAY MARRIAGE PSA

Yes, Thank You Cali-for-nia. Now I know Ellen can live happily ever after without losing constant hours of sleep. And it's great to know gays will now have to take off their rings for the fuckfest.

CANCER BOY THROWS NO-HITTER

Okay, maybe calling Jon Lester a cancer boy is a little harsh considering he is fully recovered from lymphoma. But what he did last night against the Kansas City Royals, who at last time I checked are an average team unlike the shitty Tigers, was remarkable even if he pitches for that Masshole team up there in Chowderland. Lester, fully recovered after chemotherapy cured him less than two years ago, pitched the majors first no-hitter of the season last night while striking out Alberto Callaspo to end the game for the second consecutive Red Sux no-hitter(Clay Buchholz pitched one late last season against some team, I don't know I can't really remember). Amazingly this is only the second time ever the Royals have been held hitless, with Nolan Ryan doing the honors all the way back in 1973.

But the real story is about Lester and how he can inspire all those little bandwagon Red Sox fans out there to go get cancer by smoking two packs a day and then kick it in the ass by throwing 96 MPH fastballs past major league hitters. Shit, if Lester can do it why can't Ricky, Bobby, Mikey, Joey, and Willy from Rhode Island go out there and do the same thing. Lester had this to say about coming back...

"It was a long road back," Lester said. "It was tough mentally and tough physically to go out and pitch every five days. It was a long road. I'm just glad that I'm here at this moment right now, and in five days I'll go and pitch again."

I know it's the Red Sox and all but I love stories like this. So many of us have been affected by cancer it is nearly impossible not to root for a guy like Lester. I tip my hat to him and say congratulations. Now go blow out that arm of yours to make the Red Sox regret not trading you for Johan Santana.

By the way, how about Jason Varitek catching his 4th no-hitter? I'm sure Mariner fans still love the fact they traded Tek for Heathcliff Slocumb.

Here is the final out along with a great F bomb thrown in there by one of his teammates. Yes, no-hitters are unfucking believable....
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

CHARLES BARKLEY THE GAMBLER

I don't consider it a gambling problem till you start blowing random Asians in bathroom stalls. And no, I haven't seen or done anything like that...this year.

Good morning everybody. I hope all of you took my advice yesterday and took the Spurs with the 4 plus points as a road dog. The Spurs now move on to face the Lakers and Kobe which should become another 7 game series which should keep execs at TNT happy. Sticking to my guns I'm taking the Spurs over the Lakers even though I'm concerned by Timmy Duncan's play. Duncan looked like garbage last night and yet they still won by a comfortable margin against a really good Hornets squad. It just shows you how good the Spurs really are.

The Eastern Conference Finals, or rights to lose in the NBA Finals, matches the Celtics and Pistons. You know most of the free world wants the Lakers vs. Celtics in the Finals because they are the two most storied franchises in the game but I think it will be the Spurs vs. Pistons in what should be a boring ass Finals.

I'M BACK

I just got back from a ten hour flight full of sweaty, B.O. stricken Europeans and fat Americans and am now sitting comfortably naked in front of my laptop eating peanut butter while my dogs get dangerously close. I'm just joking. I just got back from the movie theater watching Made of Honor with my wife with that hilarious and down right hunky Patrick Dempsey. See, I told everybody marriage wouldn't change me. And yes, Dempsey's hair is TOO die for. Does he just wake up with that marvelous mop every morning and kiss babies and make the world a better place?

Okay, I've been gone for way too long and need to get my sports fix back on. Europe was a blast no doubt but I honestly could care less about Hand Ball unless it involves me waking up and going to YouPorn. And soccer is still soccer and not fucking football! I tried to attend a game in Munich for some team called Bayern but then I realized there are 4 great Beer Gardens within the city so that was quickly nixed. I couldn't get one fucking baseball highlight over there which means I missed countless hours of talk about the Yankees slide and how the Red Sox are the greatest thing to happen to baseball since Jeffrey Mayer changed the fate of the game. But it was great to get back and turn on the tube and see my Baltimore Orioles are still playing great baseball despite having a starting lineup with more holes than a Greg Popovich close up. Hell, I ran into this wonderful, crazy mess of Marylanders preparing for Preakness by taking in an Orioles sweep of Boston last week...
HT to Mr. Irrelevant for the great footage.
Yeah, things have changed in Baltimore and it's not really smart to go in with a David Ortiz jersey talking shit. But we all know Boston fans are not like this and clearly he was enjoying himself some Dippin Dots and cotton candy before he was ambushed by those ruthless Orioles fans. Anyways, Boston Blows.

Speaking of Preakness, how about that ass kicking Big Brown pulled in Pimlico? I know the majority of you could care less about a horse running around a track unless it blows one of it's legs out but having attended numerous races in Pimlico I tend to love watching a horse dominate while a little man whips it while wearing chaps. But maybe that is just me and Marv Albert who enjoy this type of thing. Seriously though, I'm really pulling for Big Brown to kick ass in Belmont because like a lot of you I have never witnessed a horse take the Triple Crown. Sure the field he is going against might not be the greatest but I think we can all envision a new career for Barry Bonds as a thoroughbred.

It looks like my prediction of Spurs taking it all might be on the line tonight in New Orleans. If I was betting on the game I would run with that 4.5 point dog tonight in the Big Easy. The Spurs know how to win games like these. They will do tons of Manu flops and flagrant foul Chris Paul to death tonight for sure. I'm actually looking forward to this game. The energy should be amazing and if the Hornets don't come out with a deer in headlights look it should be a great game to the finish. Plus we get to hear the great Charles Barkley talk basketball and other irrelevant stuff which never gets old.

It looks like that Penguins trade for Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis from Atlanta has really worked out. Hossa looks like he has finally brushed off the playoff monkey off his back and Dupuis has played great too helping Pittsburgh reach the Stanley Cup Finals. The NHL is getting it's wish with their most marketable star in Sidney Crosby already in the Finals at just the age of 20. I'm sure Versus and NBC will be talking about the parallels between Sid and the Great One's career so far.

And I think I should finish off this post with a thank you note to USC for getting away with more shit in the OJ Mayo saga. I'm loving their claims of ignorance and not having any knowledge of wrong doing. Pete Carroll must have done such a hell of job brain washing the NCAA infraction committee for so long that Tim Floyd thought he could get away with shit too. But yeah, FUSC and their pretty girls and their great weather and smog covered beaches and their high priced "student"-athletes.

SUCKLE ON MY TEET

Nick Swardson at his bastardy best.

I leave with this video as a goodbye for a while. See, I'm getting married tomorrow at high noon. If you have been married for any period of time spare me the condolences. I'm already hook, line, and sinker into this. And if you are wondering if I am nervous then I must reassure you I am not. My fine lady makes me happy and most of all she puts up with my shit...which should win her a Nobel Peace Prize in my book. So yeah, the blog posts will be few and far between for the next couple of weeks while we are backpacking through Europe drinking the finest German beer while loving the beautiful scenery of Switzerland. So the honeymoon awaits with a beautiful lady in hand and a bottle of Absinthe in my backpack...

Yummy!

RYAN PERRILLOUX FINALLY KICKED OUT OF LSU

Okay people, put down the beer or the needle, whatever floats your boat, and be prepared for one of the most shocking things to happen since Michael Vick got busted for dog fighting. You might want to sit down for this one and grab a handful of kleenex. It's one of the most shocking developments in college football history. Yes, the homely saint known across the Bayou as Ryan Perrilloux, is now LSU's FORMER starting quarterback!

I never saw this coming!

Time to turn down the sarcasm meter and let's try to conquer a question the whole raving, foaming college football world has wanted to know: What in the hell did Perrilloux do to get his ass kicked out of LSU?

If you are the starting quarterback for a SEC team let alone a major Division 1 college you are guaranteed some things. One of them is plenty of white women. They may seem like good Catholic girls but deep down they all just want a salty piece of a football player. And by salty I mean semen. I didn't want to confuse anybody out there. Second thing you are guaranteed is the right to get away with a lot of shit most players wouldn't. See, if you are the starting quarterback you have as much say, hell more say, in a win or a loss as the head coach. If you play good the team usually wins. You play bad or have noodle legs from banging one too many white Catholic girls the night before your team will probably lose. This is not the case for the most part with the other football players. Most of them are interchangeable. Another thing you are guaranteed is some slack, if not downright forgiveness, for fucking up off the field.

So here is where Perrilloux enters, or better yet exits the discussion. This kid has had to fuck up more times than Amy Winehouse with heroin in order to get kicked out of LSU. The rumor is he failed another drug test. Supposedly the kid loves marijuana more than he loved playing football. In layman's terms it's called Quincy Carter disease. But this can't be the only reason why head coach Les Miles made the final decision. I'm imagining something way more horrific. Either this kid has dumped tens if not hundreds of dead hooker bodies in the water somewhere or he got caught molesting Miles wife and/or daughter. It's got to be the dead hooker story because Miles would be willing to sacrifice a family member for the good of the team. Hell, all good coaches worth their salt do it.

Perrilloux, let's be frank here, has an enormous amount of talent and could be one of the best QB's in the nation. He can throw and run with the best of them and has an NFL ready body that should make millions for him, his family, and of course his posse. But with all the talent he also has the brain the size of a teenage driver on their cellphone. Okay, maybe not that small but you get my point. The kid is an idiot. Before he even enrolled at LSU he proclaimed he would be the starting quarterback his freshman season because the other quarterbacks on the roster weren't impressive. Jamarcus Russell and Matt Flynn didn't take too kindly to the juvenile thoughts of one Perrilloux. Instead of taking a leadership role as ALL quarterbacks should he decided to smoke a ton of weed, counterfeit some money, and enter casinos with false identification while at LSU. And this is the stuff we only know about for sure. There had to be a ton of other illegal things like smuggling babies across the Mexican border or a secret cellar where he kept his latest victim because LSU doesn't kick players out. Especially the soon-to-be starting quarterback of the returning BCS National Champs.

LSU and Perrilloux will pick up the pieces of their failed marriage and move on and be better people for it. The Tigers have so much God given talent they will again compete for a SEC Title even without Perrilloux. Perrilloux has so much God given physical talent that some school will give him a second chance. Yes, Dennis Erickson just made the call followed by June Jones and Urban Meyer.

So what lesson can we learn from all this?

College Football is a hell of a drug that Perrilloux can't swallow!

RAMBLINGS AND RUMBLINGS

So many women are coming out of the "I banged Roger Clemens" closet(seriously Rocket, John Daly's ex-wife, that is just fucking gross) it is just a matter of time before Hillary Clinton admits using the Rocket for a revenge fuck.

The BCS has turned down any role of playoff because as ACC commissioner John Swofford declares, the BCS is an "unprecedented state of health." By state of health they mean the 11 conferences and Notre Dame are getting their pockets filled with confederate money. I find it humorous Notre Dame is even involved with these playoff talks and I think AD Kevin White should mind his own fucking business. Until Notre Dame actually wins a bowl game or joins a conference they have no right to even be involved in the discussion for a college football playoff. And yes, this is coming from a huge Notre Dame fan and supporter in myself.

How about those Orioles? Right now they can hit worth a shit(11th in the AL in runs scored) and don't have a regular player hitting over .300 but this team has something, an "it" factor, that makes you want to root for them to win every game. They sit in a tie for first place in their division and the players they acquired during the offseason(Scott, Jones, Sarfate, Albers, Sherrill, etc.) are all contributing. More good news for Orioles fans is the fact that high priced draft picks Matt Wieters and Jake Arrieta are both dominating in the minors and the O's organization finally seems to be on the right path in regards to paying for the best prospects and scouting the Dominicans.

While I appreciate the enthusiasm he displays, Matthew Stafford still has a long way to go before anybody should consider him a top 10 NFL pick. Stafford has been really consistent at being inconsistent and still needs to learn how to put some touch on the ball especially in the intermediate 5-15 yards crossing pattern plays. I'm not saying he isn't going to be a great quarterback but I think it is a little presumptuous to think he is going to have a great junior year and declare for the draft. On the other hand teammate Knowshon "Special K" Moreno looks like the real deal and should be right up there with Beanie Wells out of Ohio State as the best RB in college football and a good bet to come out after this season.

Talking about a shitty way to go out, how about dying at the hands, or make it jaws, of your favorite team's name? Adrian Ruiz died after being bitten by a gray shark and just happens to be a huge San Jose Sharks fan. Thank god Orioles and Thrashers aren't fierce birds and the Fightin Irish are too drunk to land a punch let alone piss in a commode.

It appears the great John Smoltz will be returning from the DL as a closer. Smoltzie was a beast for the 3 seasons when he closed for the Braves and nothing besides a bum shoulder and surgically repaired elbow is in his way of doing it again. I hate to say it but the Braves are already looking extremely old and thin in their rotation(Glavine and Hampton are no spring chickens either) and will be out of the playoff race come September. Unless of course they make a trade. Earn your paycheck Frank Wren.

Spurs are still winning the NBA Championship. Why should I even watch other than to listen to Charles Barkley? Substance over style wins Championships...

PEYTON MANNING LOVES HIS OFFENSIVE LINEMEN'S INPUT

Wow! You seriously do not want to get Peyton Manning's thong in a bunch. Personally I think I have more respect for Peyton now after seeing this clip where as others would be offended. He is the quarterback, the franchise actually, and he calls the plays and not the "f-ing" center Jeff Saturday. Guys like Peyton and Tom Brady can get away with this shit because they know how to win games and get paid the big bucks and bang the finest poon. Quarterbacks like Jeff George or Ryan Leaf pulls this shit and everybody laughs and calls them a "cockbag" to their face while they settle for some festering barfly at the local TGI Fridays. This is where knowing your role on the team becomes crucial.

So in other words don't piss off Peyton Manning. But if Rex Grossman starts talking shit to your face then you have the right to call him a no good lush who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Who said the NFL was the No Fun League?

Via BarstoolSports via FanHaus

GUYS DO IT ALL THE TIME

I've tried my hardest to avoid the whole Clemens having an affair story but this video was just too good not to post. Ryan Parker throws the high hard one back at Clemens with this great, coming of age video showing how the Rocket Man could let his erections, oh my bad, I mean his connections could get little Mindy real far. It's a love story only a man with the testosterone level of the Rocket Man could conceive. Or maybe a 73 year old Austrian man with a dungeon. To each it's own.

Video HT: Ryan Parker Songs

TORII HUNTER'S AFFAIR WITH SUZIE

I know everyone wants to talk about Roger Clemens and his totally platonic affair with country singer Mindy McCready but I'm honestly sick of talking about that lying redneck. Instead, why don't we focus on one of the good guys in the game, Mr. Torii "Suzie" Hunter. Hunter has now had a 9 month relationship with Suzie and things really seem to be heating up now that he is in Southern California. His wife and kids have no idea so please be sure to keep this on the down low.

Video HT: Hot Clicks

HONEST COLLEGE AD

From what I remember college was exactly like this...minus the actual studying.

TODD MCSHAY LOVES DONNIE AVERY

Seriously, what the fuck were the Rams thinking when they picked out the name of Donnie Avery out of Scott Linehan's cap? Just because his name magically appeared out of the hat doesn't mean you have to pick him. I have no idea how you can pass on talents like Desean Jackson, Malcolm Kelly, and yes, even Limas Sweed for a guy like Avery. I honestly had never even heard of him before the Rams took him.

This draft didn't make a lot of sense to me but maybe it's only because I have no idea how to evaluate talent. First off if I was the Falcon's GM there is no way I would have passed on Glenn Dorsey. Dorsey and McFadden were the two most talented players in the draft in my mind and also the ones which could provide the most impact. The Falcons went out and signed backup Michael Turner to a huge deal in the offseason thus negating the chance of drafting McFadden. They took Matt Ryan who could be the next Tim Couch or David Carr. Then they trade up to get a first round pick and take left tackle Sam Baker who was graded as a mid to late 2nd round pick. Instead of getting a Dorsey and say a Brian Brohm who will be a much better pro than Ryan they get a good to average left tackle and a quarterback who is inconsistent and throws a ton of interceptions. With the 37th and 48th picks they could have picked up a Trevor Laws or a Desean Jackson who could be immediate impact players. Instead they got a slow linebacker in Curtis Lofton who can't cover a snail and they still will have no tight ends or defensive tackles to play next year.

How in the hell did the Bears pass on Brian Brohm? Rex Grossman sucks balls and instead of drafting a future NFL starting QB you take fucking Matt Forte out of Tulane? A fucking RB? Are you kidding me Chicago? The rest of their draft looked really good especially getting WR Earl Bennett in the third round but I almost started crying from laughing so hard when the Bears passed on Brohm in the second round.

JOEL PINEIRO'S UNBELIEVABLE KICK SAVE

The St. Louis Blues could use Pineiro since he looks like a much better goalie than a major league pitcher.

Video HT: WithLeather

BOSTON CELTICS FANS ARE RETARDED

This clip via BarStoolSports just reaffirms what we already knew about Celtics fans: they are retarded. And please don't get offended by the word retard because if you are you should be happy you are not retarded. Retards don't get pissed when you call them retards so please don't get offended for them. When people call me retarded I just laugh uncontrollably, wipe the drool off my mouth, pick my ass and then smell my hand, and then take off my Larry Bird jersey to show them I am not retarded or from Boston.

MEL KIPER'S MYSPACE PAGE

On the eve of NFL Draft Day the great bloggers over at JoeSportsFan brings us the MySpace page of Mel Kiper Jr. Of course Kiper gets paid the big bucks to voice his opinion/knowledge on who will be good and who will fail in the NFL whereas I don't get paid jack to state something simple like the fact that Matt Ryan is going to suck balls in the NFL. I would take Brian Brohm and Joe Flacco before I took Ryan. Ryan is too inconsistent and throws a ton of interceptions. Last time I checked NFL QB's don't do very well with those two traits.

JOE SMITH "HECKLING" BLEACHER BUMS

Got to love the commentary by the camera guy. Yes, we get it, he likes to heckle.

I know what you are thinking, who the hell is Joe Smith? Apparently he plays for the New York Mets which is a Major League team and you should not mess with him according to the great Joe Smith. I'm not sure why he needs to start a fight with Cubs fans since they have suffered these past 100 years. It's like making fun of somebody who you know is going to die only Cubs fans have been dying since...well...since they decided to pledge their allegiance to the Lovable Losers.

Video HT: Deadspin

GEORGIA LANDS ELITE QB, NOTRE DAME GETS ANOTHER RECRUIT

The Georgia Bulldogs added one more football player to their already stellar 2009 class today by securing the verbal commitment of Tampa QB Aaron Murray, who picked the Bulldogs over rival Florida. Murray is one of the most highly rated QB's in the nation and after watching his video he looks to be the most impressive in my mind. At 6'1 he is not one of the tallest QB's but the kid is an athlete who can scramble, throws a hell of a deep ball, and is extremely accurate with a ton of velocity with his passes. He looks better on film than USC commit and overall #1 player Matt Barkley and I won't be surprised when Rivals and Scout come out with their new evaluations showing Murray as a top 10 player in the nation.

ESPN's recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill thinks highly of Murray:

"Without a doubt, he has the quickest release and most velocity of any quarterback who I've seen in the 2009 class," Luginbill said. "The negative on him is that he lacks height, but there are ways to compensate for that within the scheme. You can't coach a guy to get rid of the football the way he does, a player can either do it or he can't. And Murray has an exceptionally quick release."

"You're looking at a guy who is every bit the passer that Matt Stafford is with more athleticism," Luginbill said. "He may give Mark Richt and that offensive coaching staff more athleticism from the quarterback position.

"He's a blend between a pocket-passer and a dual-threat guy. I wouldn't call him D.J. Shockley, but he's much more athletic than David Greene and Matt Stafford. So, you're looking at a guy who is somewhere between a Shockley and a Stafford [in terms of athletic ability]."

Murray threw for over 4000 yards, 51 touchdowns with only 7 interceptions and should have a chance to compete right away with Logan Gray and Joe Cox at UGA once Stafford leaves for the NFL. To get a feel with what Aaron Murray sounds like while talking to Tony Gwynn on helium, take a look at this YouTube video...


And here are some highlights from his junior season. The kid looks like another Drew Brees to me minus the birthmark...


Notre Dame picked up their second elite RB in less than a week yesterday by landing the verbal commitment of Theo Riddick. The 5'11, 190 pound tailback is out of New Jersey(Charlie Weis country) and is a preseason top 250 player according to Rivals and is on the ESPN Top 150 Watchlist as an athlete. Riddick stated he just felt right with Notre Dame all along:

"It was just a great experience" visiting Notre Dame, said Riddick, who led Immaculata to a 12-0 season and a state Non-Public Group III title in 2006 and a 11-1 season and a berth in the Non-Public Group III title game last season. "I blended straight in. That's when I knew I wanted to go there."

Riddick also plays safety and cornerback for Immaculata High School and has the quickness, speed, and athleticism to play multiple positions at Notre Dame if runningback doesn't work out. After watching his film I think he could be a great cornerback in college, much like an athlete in the mold of a Tom Carter or Todd Lyght. Riddick is the 4th commitment to what is already forming to be another excellent recruiting class under Charlie Weis.

KOBE DOING HIS BEST MJ

How is Marcus Camby considered one of the top 3 defensive players in the league and yet the Nuggets defense is horrible? Kobe went for 49 last night while toying with announcers Marv Albert and Reggie Miller who were doing play-by-play for TNT. I'm still looking forward to see how Kobe responds to the Denver crowd with what should be plenty of heckling considering the whole rape issue. But yeah, the Lakers are looking like serious title contenders.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

GREATEST UMPIRE EVER: DAN IOSSAGNO

This is from the Atlanta Braves-Washington Nationals game from a couple of nights ago. MLB might want to investigate the 1st base umpire for having money on the game...

I can only imagine what Bobby Cox shouted at him.

Something like this sounds about right: "R-U-A-FUKING-RETARD?"

It's one thing to get screwed by a call at home but it is another thing when everybody sees a horrible call all at once. Announcer Joe Simpson sounded like he got caught in Ned's dungeon via Pulp Fiction for heaven's sake.

And for anybody thinking umpire Dan Iossagno isn't taking money, well, I just found he lives down the street from me in Marietta, GA. I must have rubbed off on him.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

NOW IT'S PERSONAL

Jorge Arangure Jr. of ESPN Magazine has an excellent article on the bitter feud between native Colombian baseball players Edgar Renteria and Orlando Cabrera. I've wondered why the country of Colombia doesn't produce baseball players like Venezuela does and I guess this provides a certain insight as to maybe why. It's too bad Renteria and Cabrera can't get along and I must admit I see Renteria in a totally different way after reading the article. Renteria kind of comes off as a dick while it appears Cabrera is trying to reconcile the differences by at least talking.

If I were them I would just get some Colombian bam-bam, some hookers, and some booze, maybe cross swords and just make up already. Those silly Pablo Escobars' down there will never learn.

F*CK EARTH DAY

It's been a while since I poured some oil on some ducks or thrown my empty beer bottles back in the lake or on the side of the road where they belong. But now after watching this inspiring video from the crazy old Grandpa all of us wish we had, I think I might go out there and rip my Hummer through a field of sunflowers before I urinate on them. I feel so much better now that I can contribute to society in a meaningful way.

SPURS TAKE 2-0 SERIES LEAD OVER SUNS

"Where Cheating Happens"...sounds like the slogan for Balco.

LARRY MUNSON AS THE VOICE OF GOD

I can already see all the Georgia fans nodding in agreement while picking their noses. Oh wait, I'm doing that right now, never mind.

Video HT: EDSBS

JAKE LONG SIGNS WITH DOLPHINS

There is the new face of your franchise Miami Dolphins fans. Jake Long may not be pretty in the face but the big boy sure can block when not facing Vernon Gholston and was awarded today with a huge bag of cold hard cash from Bill Parcells today to become the #1 pick in this upcoming NFL Draft. So now with the first piece down I figured we would take a look at the rest of the draft with my predictions on how it might shake out.

2. St. Louis Rams-Glen Dorsey is right up there with Darren McFadden as the most talented player in the draft. His motor never stops and he would be welcomed with open arms in St. Louis who has whiffed as an organization on D-lineman in the past. Dorsey will be a stud if he can stay healthy.

3. Atlanta Falcons-Begrudgingly I think the Falcons are going to take Matt Ryan. Yes, the same guy who is as accurate as Michael Vick was in college but without the ability to run the ball but on the other hand the ability to throw a lot more interceptions. The Falcons should draft a linemen with this pick such as Sedrick Ellis or Chris Long, or trade it for more picks, and then draft one of Brian Brohm or Joe Flacco in the second round. But that would mean they are an intelligently run franchise and if you follow NFL history the Falcons clearly have never been associated with anything intelluctual. Matt Ryan benefits from it with a huge signing bonus. The Falcons still blow.

4. Oakland Raiders-Darren McFadden or Chris Long, who would you take? Long, the son of Hall of Famer Howie, would seem like the perfect fit in Oakland. McFadden with his questionable background also seems like the perfect fit for an Al Davis team. McFadden would be my pick because he is going to have the same impact as Adrian Peterson did last season. But I would also make sure he didn't kill any dogs before draft day.

5. Kansas City Chiefs-Chris Long, duh! He will replace the traded Jared Allen. I like Long a lot but I'm not convinced he will be an impact player right away in the NFL.

6. New York Jets-Vernon Gholston. And yes, the Jets fans will boo but they shouldn't. Gholston, when he decides to go full speed is an extremely dangerous pass rusher who could rack up Dwight Freeney type numbers in the NFL.

7. New England Patriots-More than likely the Patriots will try to trade out of this spot because A)they can get more picks and B)they don't want to give a huge signing bonus to a rookie. They need a LB but at this spot Keith Rivers and Dan Connor would be reaches, so I'm going to say Aqib Talib at CB.

8. Baltimore Ravens-I would absolutely love to see McFadden slip to the Ravens but I don't see it happening. The Ravens will take Sedrick Ellis at DT. Ellis could be better than Dorsey in the pros. Don't laugh, the kid is a beast who dominated for the most part in his USC career and was the most impressive lineman at the NFL Combine.

9. Cincy Bengals-The Bengals want Ellis really bad. Unfortunately unless they make a trade with the Patriots or Ravens they can't get him. Hell, the Falcons could take Ellis for all we know. You would think they have to draft somebody with questionable off-field behavior. Somebody who gets DUI's and scuffles with the Po-Po. Nobody from Penn State is graded this high though so you can't there. Mario Manningham seems like a good fit to replace Chad Johnson if they trade him and he has been kicked in and out of the Michigan football program numerous of times. But he projects to late first round/early 2nd. They will take USC LB Keith Rivers if he is available. And no, I don't think Rivers is going to be an All-Pro by any means but he will be a solid LB.

10. New Orleans Saints-Rashard Mendenhall to replace Reggie Bush. Kidding of course. Jonathan Stewart maybe? Just joking. They need cornerbacks so I will go with South Florida's Mike Jenkins.

11. Buffalo Bills-The Bills are really high on Oklahoma's Malcolm Kelly as am I. I think Kelly will be a really good NFL player and a great pick for the Bills.

12. Denver Broncos-The need a left tackle and Boise State's Ryan Clady is a pretty good one.

13. Carolina Panthers-The avoid the sexy pick by taking a guard in Virginia's Branden Albert.

14. Chicago Bears-They really need to get Sexy Rexy the fuck out of Chicago by drafting a QB. Instead they will draft an offensive lineman, a man named Jeff Otah out of Pittsburgh to play left tackle.

15. Detroit Lions-A WR of course! I got them taking a linebacker in Derrick Harvey out of Florida. A safe bet for sure, Harvey was a really good collegiate player who could develop at either OLB or DE.

16. Arizona Cardinals-Leodis McElvin out of Troy could become the shutdown corner Antrel Rolle was suppose to become.

17. Minnesota Vikings-Calais Campbell out of Miami is a freak of a defensive end who has the athletic ability to dominate in the NFL. But does he have the heart? The Vikings will find out by either drafting him or Phillip Merling.

18. Houston Texans-Rashard Mendenhall seems like a good fit for the Texans at RB. I also like Jonathan Stewart out of Oregon. Really can't go wrong with either, but I will go with Mendenhall.

19. Philadelphia Eagles-Desean Jackson seems like the perfect playmaker for Donovan McNabb to throw touchdowns at and to return kicks. Jackson has Devin Hester written all over him except he is a way better receiver.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-They need a cornerback so that Rogers-Cromartie guy makes sense here. And no, I have never seem him play.

21. Washington Redskins-They want to trade this pick to the Bengals for Chad Johnson but if they don't they will take Phillip Merling out of Clemson to play defensive end.

22. Dallas Cowboys-I would take Jonathan Stewart but since Jerry Jones loves the Razorbacks it looks like Felix Jones will be the pick.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers-Jonathan Stewart is finally off the board. When healthy Stewart can do it all and should become a fan favorite in Steel Town.

24. Tennessee Titans-They need receivers for Vince Young. I'm not a fan of Limas Sweed but I can see them taking him to team up the old Longhorn teammates.

25. Seattle Seahawks-They need a d-tackle. I love Trevor Laws out of Notre Dame but I think he will still be an early second round pick. Kentwan Balmer out of North Carolina will more than likely be the pick.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars-They need linemen especially on the D side of the ball. Fuck it, I say they make a "stretch" pick by taking Laws out of Notre Dame.

27. San Diego Chargers-They need safety help and the only one worth it at this pick is Kenny Phillips out of Miami. They also could take a RB to replace Michael Turner in the second round.

28. Dallas Cowboys-Will anybody be surprised if the Cowboys trade both of their first round picks to somebody like Atlanta to get McFadden? I won't and I hope it happens for the sake of the Falcons franchise. If not they take James Hardy out of Indiana. A former basketball player on the Hoosiers, Hardy could become a dominant red zone presence in Dallas.

29. San Francisco Giants-Gosder Cherilus seems like the perfect pick out of Boston College. He could step in right away and play right tackle.

30. Green Bay Packers-They need a tight end. Martellus Bennett out of Texas A&M is the best one in my opinion in this draft and should be going to Green Bay.

31. New York Giants-Dan Connor out of Penn State should replace departed Kawika Mitchell. A no brainer in my mind, Connor could become another Keith Brooking.

SMOLTZIE GOING FOR 3000 K

When Atlanta Braves ace John Smoltz takes the mound tonight against the Washington Nationals he will be looking to join the exclusive 3000 career strikeout club that only 15 other pitchers can claim membership. Needing just 4 K's tonight to reach the milestone, Smoltz pretty much will stamp himself a one-way ticket to Cooperstown once he reaches 3000(the only one not in the Hall with 3000 career K's is Bert Blyleven).

In fact did you know the 3000 K club is more elusive over a career than 300 victories(23), 500 homeruns(23), and 3000 hits(27)? Smoltz is one of the most underrated power pitchers of his era. Maybe he was cast in the shadow of Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine for all those years but if you had a choice for a guy to be your starter for a pivotal game series clincher who would you want? I would take Smoltz without blinking an eye.

His post season pitching record is 15-4 with a 2.70 ERA. Smoltzie split-finger fastball and slider made him a great closer for 3 seasons(NL record 144 saves during that period) and yet he was still able to come back and pitch over 200 innings and record double digit victories while keeping an ERA in the low to mid 3's each season in his late 30's.

In layman's turn: Smoltzie is a beast.

Smoltz is also a great teammate who decided to stick with the Atlanta Braves organization when so many others left for more money(Tom Glavine for example). I know it sounds like a cliche but not many players play for one organization their whole career. The fact that Smoltz sacrificed his spot in the rotation to become a closer for the good of the team shows how great of a teammate he was. Of course Smoltz always knew he was a starter but never complained openly to the media and kept it behind close doors when he knew he should be back in the rotation. The Braves handled it with class and so did Smoltz when so many players and organizations are so quick to cut ties when things don't go right.

Smoltzie recorded his first K by smoking a high fastball past Darryl Strawberry 20 years ago at Atlanta Fulton County Stadium. Tonight I will stand and applaud him as he reaches another milestone in his Hall of Fame career against the Nationals at Turner Field. When he fools another hitter for his 3000th K I expect the crowd to roar and give him a standing ovation. The Commissioner Bud Selig should stumble up the mound with presumably a horrible speech and a handshake. Bobby Cox should pat him on his bald head and tell him one more time: "Good job Kid!"

John Andrew Smoltz affectionately known by teammates as Smoltzie, the future Hall of Famer, has earned and deserves it.

JESSICA SIMPSON TAKES IT FROM A SMURF

The pictures above clearly show Jessica Simpson has been cheating on Tony Romo with a freaking Smurf. I wonder which one she banged? Maybe she hit up the whole crew. You know it's only a matter of time before she gets some of the Terrell Owen's action on after seeing his guest appearance on BangBros. When asked about the secret vacation Owens and Jessica took together, Owens did not take it too well...



Pictures courtesy of D Magazine

MARV ALBERT CRANKS THAT SOULJA BOY

Those guys at TNT are pretty creative. Personally I would have made it a little more embarrassing for Albert. Put him in some chaps. Whip him with a leather belt. Maybe put a ball gag in his mouth and have a donkey lick peanut butter off of him. Oh yeah...nevermind.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing