The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
MLB -Erik Bedard showed his ace stuff last night shutting out the Red Sox for seven innings before Brandon Morrow(future stud closer) came into the 8th and blew 100 mph fastballs past Dustin Pedroia. I actually caught the last few innings and was blown away, literally, how nasty Morrow is out of their pen. He should be their closer over J. J. Putz. His curveball is filthy and his fastball is electric. Who knew a 1-0 game could be this exciting?
-The Braves lost outfielder Matt Diaz to a partial tear to a knee ligament which will leave him sidelined for at least 4 weeks. The Braves activated Rafael Soriano, presumably the closer now, to fill in Diaz spot on the roster. The Brewers beat the Braves 1-0 in what seemed like an extremely boring game opposite of the Red Sox-Mariners game.
-Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports has some interesting trade scenarios for impending free agent pitcher C. C. Sabathia. He thinks the Indians need a slugger in their lineup because they can't score worth a shit this year and recommends either Adam Dunn, Mark Teixeira, Pat Burrell, or Bobby Abreu as possible trade bait for Sabathia because all of them are free agents too. The Braves wouldn't trade Teixeira for Sabathia because he provides Chipper with great protection and it isn't a coincidence that he has been having the best stretch of his career since they put him in front of Tex. I could see the Burrell trade working but the Phillies would have to add some sweetener (prospect) to the deal because Burrell straight up isn't worth a Sabathia. The Indians wouldn't trade with the Yankees for obvious reasons and I'm not sure the Reds have the balls to trade Adam Dunn yet.
NBA -The Celtics beat the Pistons to go up in the series 3-2. Ray Allen finally woke up from his slump and scored 29 points to help protect Boston's homecourt. The series switches to Detroit tomorrow night. Expect at least 8 deaths in Motown before tipoff.
NHL -There you go Penguins! Sidney Crosby scored two goals and Marian Hossa put away his tampon and added two assists as the Penguins beat the Red Wings 3-2 in Game 3. Now that the Penguins got some pucks past Chris Osgood it should give them a boost of confidence and perhaps make this Finals interesting. We will see.
Doug Collins. Seriously? Bulls GM John Paxson and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf both think he can help teach the young guys how to play smart basketball and get them back to the playoffs winning championships. I think he took the job because they won the #1 pick and got tired of telling us on TNT about "Me and Michael" Jordan and how they could have done this and that.
Dan Quinn, a former linebacker/crazy person at Notre Dame during the Lou Holtz era apparently has an ax to grind. He let us know that not only did Holtz and others eff him over on his potentially great career as a pile jumper but that he has a great invention called soap water that make you delusional and psychotic all at the same time.
Actually, I had tried some of the soap water last year. It had a label on it: "ND Football 2007." I wouldn't recommend trying it again.
Dan apparently took way too many hits to the head and I'm not sure what he means by going face to face with Frank Stams in the shower. Sounds a little homo erotic there Danny! To fill you in Quinn got suspended from Notre Dame during his days of riding the pine when he was accused of sexual assault and tested positive for steroids. He later went on to sue the University and you can find a ton of his quotes in the book Tarnished Dome which incorrectly details Notre Dame football during the late 80's.
In essence he epitomizes winner in every sarcastic sense of the definition.
No one in the States would let the singer throw out the first pitch in their ballpark unless she performed The National Anthem. Thus we get the great first pitch she delivers in Japan. She has an arm that rivals Juan Pierre.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall's Kristen Bell needs her some Chris Osgood.
-Some guy named Rick Sund is the new GM for the Atlanta Hawks. Exciting news here in Atlanta as this is sure to boost ticket sales through the roof. I'm sure Hawks fans will jump for joy once they hear about the former Seattle Sonics GM whom was fired for a shitty job performance which included leading the Sonics to the dungeon of the NBA is now their new GM. See, sex dungeons are cool and hip. The NBA cellar dungeon not so much. The Hawks will never learn.
"It was like $2,000. That's it," Rose said in the interview. "And it didn't change -- because I know you're going to say, Well betting's all about pitching and stuff like that -- I didn't care who was pitching for me or who was pitching for the opposition. I just made it easy for the guys making the bets and just bet this much every game and that's the way we did it."
Will Rose just go away already. He has been banned from the game since 1989 and nothing he confesses now will change. Face it Pete, you are an asshole who will never get in the Hall of Fame. Say it to yourself ten straight times, or better yet write it down so it registers and start doing new things outside of trying to persuade people you are not an asshole.
-Trev Alberts thinks Notre Dame football is going to return to...oh fuck...don't say it...okay...glory(sigh) this season because Charlie Weis isn't an idiot and the Fighting Irish finally have some talent with experience.
Um, how about I go out on a limb and say Notre Dame wins a minimum of 9 games this season. Can I get Sprint to videotape me while sitting on my roof overlooking Atlanta? And yes, ND will win 9 games and be back in a significant bowl so everyone else in the country can be pissed because ND sells out and their favorite college team doesn't.
-Young starlet Kristen Bell wants to lick Detroit Red Wings goaltender Chris Osgood from head to toe while sipping Fruity Pebbles from his baby arm. Good for her. Actually, great for Chris Osgood! It's just a matter of time before Osgood dumps his wife faster than Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow once he found out she had cancer. To each it's own.
-Tennis player Ashley Hawkmyload is going to pose for Playboy. No reason for us to buy a Playboy since the internet gives us free access to these things but I'm sure some lonely tennis fan is stringing his racquet while fiddling with his mustache while crying to himself "Now I can know what lies underneath it all Ashley!" Yep, tennis fans are sick and demented only because Bud Collins scares the shit out of me. Fucking clown pants and his sweaty bald head!
Ahhh, the good old days when you could punch somebody for taking your juice box and not worry about going to jail for it. I actually chuckled when I saw this clip because I was involved with a similar incident when I was about 12 years old playing little league baseball. We were slapping hands with the other team after the game and then next thing you know some little asshat on the other team shoves some panties into my teammate buddy's face. Well, needless to say it set me off pretty good and I pummeled the kid after I tackled him to the ground. Of course I got suspended for a couple of games but I will never forget the expression on the kid's face when I beat the shit out of him. Priceless. Damn, I really miss Little League. And to come to think of it I never fully understood why the kid shoved some panties into someone else's face. It must have been a gay ritual or something absolutely bizarre in which my childish mind could never comprehend in my Nintendo playing years.
True story by the way. Somewhere some idiot parent is watching this and reasoning with themselves to bring a gun to a Little League game just in case something like this happens to their child. The name of the parent is Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue by the way.
See, soccer is such a beautiful game until you look at it up close and see it will never be taken seriously here in the States till they get rid of bad teeth and offsides. And seriously, who the fuck eats at Burger King anymore? I don't think I've even touched something from Butt King in at least 5 years.
The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
MLB -"Jay Bruce is a god." "Finally, a savior for the Reds." "He is the greatest player to play in the last 50 years." These were all heard last night in Cincy as Bruce Almighty had a perfect major league debut going 3-3 with 2 walks, a stolen base, and a couple of RBI's. Throw in a few standing ovations for the rookie before his first MLB hit and you could see the makings of a legend as soon as he stepped onto the field.
"It's so much the same as the minors," said Bruce, who was batting .364 in Triple-A. "They've just got bigger stands, more fans and better uniforms."
But Bruce forgot to mention the much better looking women with the huge breasts. Rookie mistake. He will learn.
-Hawk-ing one up eh? You have to love the drama that is created by the New York press. In one of the most entertaining games of the season, the Orioles and Yankees combined for 9 home runs while the O's twice came back from 4 run deficits to tie the game and eventually won it in the 11th with a walk-off single from pinch hitter Alex Cintron. Kevin MIIILLLLAAAARRRR!!! hit two bombs into the left centerfield stands and Brian Roberts made a spectacular stab of an Alex Rodriguez liner with the bases loaded to start a huge double play. Yankees starter Ian Kennedy was again horrible with his location and is now on the disabled list because in all honesty he doesn't deserve to play in the majors yet. He blows actually. The Yankees will try to salvage a game in the series as the notorious Orioles killer Andy Pettitte takes the hill tonight against Jeremy Guthrie.
-Josh Hamilton for MVP?The recovering heroin addict hit a grand slam and finished the night with 5 RBI's to give himself a major league leading 58 RBI's, 12 more than anybody else in both leagues in helping the surprising Texas Rangers to a 12-6 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. Right now I would have to say the 27 year old is by far the leading MVP candidate as he is on a pace to drive in 176 runs despite playing with a heavily taped left thumb that would cause considerable discomfort to most players. Hamilton isn't most players. He is the type of player everyone with a heart should root for because of his ability to beat the demons inside his head and kick aside a life threatening drug habit. And just a reminder that Hamilton was traded during the offseason for Cy Young candidate Edinson Volquez to make room for Jay Bruce. Strange how things work out for both the clubs and the players.
-Ervin Santana bounced back from consecutive losses to throw a complete game 3 hitter against the Detroit Tigers in a 3-2 win. The pitching duel between Santana and Jeremy Bonderman was a good one and the Tigers squandered a 2 run lead in the eighth inning with a wild pitch to Vladimir Guerrero and an RBI single by Garrett Anderson tying the game. Gary Matthews completed the comeback win with a RBI single with two outs in the 9th. Things have only gotten worse in Detroit as Gary Sheffield was put on the DL with a strained oblique and Carlos Guillen is now playing DH after a switch from 3B because of a horrible case of hemorrhoids. I shit you not.
NBA You make the call...
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing If you thought NBA ref Joey Crawford made the right call by not making one you are either a Lakers fan or had money riding on them. On the other hand if you think the no foul call was bullshit you are more than likely rooting for the Spurs. I thought there was a foul by Derek Fischer on Brent Barry on the play but Barry didn't sell it. See, in today's NBA game you have to flop or act like you are being castrated in order to draw a foul. Barry the veteran should have known this. The Lakers are now up 3-1 in the series as they go back to Los Angeles. The NBA will get it's wish as the Lakers will advance to the NBA Finals with a game 5 victory. Mark it down. And hopefully somebody castrates Ginobli, Duncan, and Parker. Actually Parker has already been since he married that stupid attention whore. I can't remember her name but I think she plays thirdbase for the Rays.
NFL -As far as I know nobody got arrested or killed by an NFL player. All in all a message Commissioner Roger Goodell approves of while stroking his feline while counting his millions...
NHL -The Red Wings traveled to Pittsburgh yesterday while waiting to destroy the Penguins tonight in Mellon Arena in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals on NBC. I really have nothing else to say except Malkin and Hossa need to get their heads out of their asses and live up to their All-Star playing ability. Fuckers! This of course has nothing to do with me betting on the Penguins to win the damn series. Assholes!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL -Tony Barnhart points out that Alabama coach Nick Saban is still pissed off about "the Nick Saban rule." The rule was created by the NCAA to keep head coaches off the road in May to do recruiting evaluations because Saban was supposedly breaking some rule.
“I understand why they did it,” Saban said. “It was because everybody was paranoid about what everybody else is doing. I got turned in all kind of times because I was supposedly doing this and that and I wasn’t doing it. I was just watching practice and evaluating players, which is part of our job.”
College footall is all about paranoia. We live for it. Everybody else is cheating except our favorite college team. These are things we rationalize in our heads everyday as we stalk our favorite players on MySpace and Facebook. Deal with it Saban!
Our buddy Pooner over at Poon of the SEC alerted me to his new Alabama Crimson Tide football schedule. As you can see in the picture above Nick Saban's crew should be quite titillating with a schedule that starts off with a game against a spanky/spunky Clemson squad in Atlanta. Poon of the SEC is trying to gather all of the terrific SEC poon out there to make schedules for their respective teams and not just BAMA poon. So if you have some good SEC Poon pictures be sure to send them to him but of course you might want to send them to me first so I can make sure they are worthy. Duty calls people and I consider myself an expert in the SEC Poon living down here in Atlanta.
Trust me, I have seen plenty of potential from schools such as Georgia, Florida, and Auburn. So don't let this BAMA poon be the only one...she says pretty please...
Actually, I could care less about those flopping fakers over there in Italy but the women love them. And to show off their love for all things Italian in soccer they stalk them at practice and in a bizarre mating ritual they run at them while stripping off their clothes in order to gain the respect of the flopping fakers.
Watch as the predator stalks the prey, ripping their clothes off while hunting...
I'm still hoping shit like this will start happening here in the States. The 7th inning stretch should be a calling for all the beautiful women to rush the field, strip, and try to mate with their favorite athlete. Why wait for after the game when you can show your love and admiration in front of tens of thousands in attendance?
Rumor has it the one streaker in the white bikini is Marianne Puglia, a former Miss Earth Venezuela in 2006 who just instantly became my favorite Miss Earth contestant ever. My manpiece loves all nationalities.
I will drink to those words any day! The picture was taken on Ohio State's campus for what it is worth. Not much then. Gas in now reaching over $4 a gallon. If those dicks at OPEC keep it up I might have to stay at home all the time and drink alone. Oh shit, never mind, I do it anyways. Good luck with your recorded billions and billions of profits!
You wretched slugs, don't any of you have the guts to fight for blood?
After a 3-9 season I'm betting Charlie either has a hot dog in his sights or one of these guys: A) Pete Carroll B) Urban Meyer C) Mark Mays
It's only a matter of time, actually 92 more days, till college football comes fighting back. Hopefully Weis has a game plan this season that doesn't consist of linemen falling down while failing to protect the QB. For some reason while staring at the picture of Weis above I came to think of him as playing the character of Johnny Ringo in Tombstone. I could imagine Weis running this little thought in his head while thinking of the menacing trio of Carroll, Meyers, and Mays...
Kobe Bryant doesn't give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs! You know why I know this stuff? Because he has time to film a spot with the whole gang of Jackass of him jumping over a bunch of snakes. Sure it's fake but so apparently were those rape allegations. It's time for me to now forgive Kobe. He seems like a really cool dude. I can now stamp my ticket to hell.
By the way, Wee Man and Chris Pontius are the shit!
Apparently David Beckham still plays in the USA. Shit, I had no idea but after watching this video of his cross field goal from 70 yards out he still has game...
I know, soccer can be so riveting. Ain't that right Becks... Never mind, he like most of us has his mind on other things.
It's amazing what the drama of PGA Golf can do to some folks. And if you give them a few beers while soaking in the sun all day it is just a matter of time before they decide to take a dip... Phil Mickelson or Lefty as all the retards call him may have won The Colonial on Sunday but the real winner was the fan.
And like all ten of them seems very uninterested in the Marlins or the game itself. I'm not sure what is happening with Jessica Biel but I think her career is starting to go down the crapper. She already has some major bumps on her lower left lip from Derek Jeter's cock and now she won't even wear makeup to cover it up while sipping on Bud Light with the locals. She might as well call it a day and give into the Playboy demands or go all Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" in order to appease the masses. And by appease I mean to release an amateur sex video.
The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...
MLB -The Reds have finally decided to call-up superstar prospect Jay Bruce for tonight's game against the Shitsburgh Pirates. It's about fucking time! Bruce has been destroying AAA pitching this season and has little if anything left to prove in the minors. The Reds outfield of Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr., and Corey Patterson has been weak all season so I'm not sure what the hold up was in keeping Bruce down at Louisville. Bruce will more than likely start tonight in centerfield which means once prized Cubs prospect Corey Patterson could be getting his release papers today. At least this now gives me a reason to watch the Reds play tonight against the lowly Pirates on the MLB package.
-Speaking of rookies, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw made his MLB debutthe other day against the St. Louis Cardinals and was extremely impressive for a 20 year old. The 6-foot-3 lefty walked one, gave up 5 hits, and struck out 7 while giving up 2 runs in 6 innings of work. His fastball was hitting 96 while his breaking ball was buckling knees while hitting the mid 70's. When the Orioles were talking to the Dodgers to see what kind of interest they would have with Erik Bedard during the offseason the main prospect the O's were interested in was Kershaw. It appears from a distance the Dodgers made the right move in keeping Kershaw. He has future ace written all over him. Plus he replaces Jason Schmidt in the rotation because the old man can't take a shit without going on the disabled list.
-Chase Utley drove in 6 runs in a 20-5 rout over the Colorado Rockies. The Phillies are starting play good ball but what in the hell happened to the Rockies? They sit at 20-31 and look like they will suck balls all season. I guess their magical mystical run to the World Series last season was just that. Their pitching is pathetic and their offense is non-existent without Holliday and Tulowitzki in the lineup. Clint Hurdle needs to work on his constantly red alcoholism face by chugging more Jack in the dugout, it's going to be a long season in Denver.
-Damn, Brandon Webb might now lose 9 in a row. Webb suffered his second straight defeat yesterday in Atlanta after winning his first 9 games. Of course his defense didn't help him as 3B Mark Reynolds committed his 9th error of the season thus leading the Braves to another easy home victory and a split of the 4 game series. Severna Park native and hopefully future O's player Mark Teixeria collected 4 RBI's as the Braves improved to 22-7 at home while sitting tied with the Phillies for second place in the National League East.
-Finally Nick Markakis broke out of his your "slowly killing Fairchild to death slump" yesterday by clobbering a homerun while going 3-4 against the hated New York Yankees in helping rookie Garrett Olson pick up his 4th win of the season. Hopefully the "confidence booster" of yesterday's performance will help Kakes reestablish himself as one of the top young talents in the game. His strikeout ratio has been alarmingly high and either he needs to make some adjustments in his long stroke or hitting coach Terry Crowley needs to be fired asap. With the way the O's have been hitting all season, or shall I say lack of hitting, I think Crowley needs to get the pink slip now.
NBA -The Pistons beat the Celtics to even the series at 2-2. An interesting point my wife made to me last night while we were watching the game, she thinks the Pistons are a better team because they have set plays while the Celtics pretty much hand it to either Garnett, Pierce, or Allen and tell them to do their thing. She has a good point and I think the Pistons will win game 5 in Boston. Mark it down because as marriage is teaching me, never, ever, disagree with the old lady. Now excuse me while I go wash out the sand out of my vagina.
NHL -What in the holy hell has happened to the Pittsburgh Penguins? They have been shut out twice by the mighty Detroit Red Wings and even their goaltender Marc Andre Fleury is choking while trying to run out on the ice...
Graceful, isn't he? Evgeni Malkin and Marian Hossa have been non factors so far for the Penguins and unless both of them step up quickly there is a good chance they could get swept. If you smell a faint odor of pooh it's a good chance it's from the NHL commissioner's box after seeing his poster boy in Sidney Crosby being held without a point in the first two games on the biggest stage.
NFL -Vince Young almost quit after his rookie season in order to party shirtless with a bunch of dugans. The picture on the right is of him partying in the meat packing district while sweating profusely because Madonna's latest with JT is off the hook. If you don't think Young is bringing back the queer while roping the steers in Texas well then you haven't been listening to him...
"I really thought long and hard about it," Young told the Web site.
Only porn stars, catholic girls, and gay men think about things long and hard. And to top it all off Young had these priceless quotes...
"I have a stronger circle," Young told the Web site. "Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I'm representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I've learned from my life."
What about George Michael and Pee Wee Herman? It's only a matter of time before Vince in caught rubbing one off in a urinal with some other dude. In fact Vegas should start taking action on it.
-Tony Romo is still dating, or shall I say shagging, Jessica Simpson. But Tony might want to watch his back in case some other drunk dude decides to make a pass... It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL -Steroids and HGH do a body good. Especially a linebacker named Brian Cushing who just happens to play at USC... Cushing is from New Jersey originally(Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!) and the first picture on the left is him off the juice with a serious set of man boobs. Think of Meatloaf in "Fight Club." Now he is back on the juice. Think of Sylvester Stallone in everything. It's just a matter of time before Latimer, I mean Cushing, grinds on some girl and throws her across the room because "she was leading him on!"
Sportscrack wants to thank all the veterans and current troops who have sacrificed their lives so we can enjoy ball games and curse at the televisions when things don't go our team's way.
showed his ace stuff last night shutting out the Red Sox for seven innings before Brandon Morrow(future stud closer) came into the 8th and blew 100 mph fastballs past Dustin Pedroia. I actually caught the last few innings and was blown away, literally, how nasty Morrow is out of their pen. He should be their closer over J. J. Putz. His curveball is filthy and his fastball is electric. Who knew a 1-0 game could be this exciting?
scored two goals and Marian Hossa put away his tampon and added two assists as the Penguins beat the Red Wings 3-2 in Game 3. Now that the Penguins got some pucks past Chris Osgood it should give them a boost of confidence and perhaps make this Finals interesting. We will see.
