It's still Friday right? Funbags!!!

The last one is a treat for Matt.

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Nerds.

I mean are you fucking kidding me with this shit? This can't be serious. I've been laughing hysterically for the past 10 minutes looking at these fucking assclowns playing "Quidditch" which is apparently a broomstick game from one of the Harry Potter movies. I mean seriously look at these fucking nerds. They are grabbing each others broomsticks. Holy shit what has society become? I swear to God if my daughter grows up and starts doing this kind of stuff I will immediately shun her. I'd rather her work the pole for cash and have some self respect than be some god damn dipshit running around with a broomstick in between her legs. I feel embarrassed for these kid's parents.

By the way if they start giving scholarships for this kind of shit you can bet I will be the first person pushing my daughter to run around with a kitchen broomstick while megaphoning in her ear: I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ATHLETE!!!!

Troy Polamalu Gets His Million Dollar Hair Buzzed Off

Was that James Harrison laughing like a hyena? Troy has been growing out his hair for over 8 years now. He has said his long hair is a tribute to his Samoan heritage. The hair has become his calling card just like Kate Upton's breasts. I don't think I would even recognize Troy without the locks. Only because all Samoans look the same to me. It's not racist. It's true. Just like I wouldn't recognize Upton without her enormous knockers.

I'm thinking this video is fake. Probably some viral commercial for Norelco or Gillette or some other shit.

Stephen Drew's Ankle Is Not Suppose To Bend That Way

I hate seeing injuries like this happen to players but I can't help but watch them over and over. I know it's a sickness. Poor Stephen Drew. His ankle is broken. His season more than likely done. By the way Buster Posey approves of this slide.


Via SportsGrid

Braves close to acquiring a RH Bat, Heyward to the Minors?

The Major League baseball trade deadline is 11 days away and if you have been following the Atlanta Braves at all you know they need offense. Most notably in the outfield where the trio of Jason Heyward, Nate McLouth, and Jordan Schafer has been one of the worst in the majors in terms of production. Also all three of those guys hit left handed and the Braves are looking for more right handed power production.

The first bomb of a potential deal came from David O'Brien's Twitter Feed:

Sounds as if the #Braves could be close to making a deal for a RH bat

If it's strictly a RH bat then that eliminates the Met's Carlos Beltran. Yes he is a switch hitter but he doesn't hit lefties well and most of his power comes from the left side. Possibilities could be Hunter Pence, Ryan Ludwick, Carlos Quentin, Josh Willingham, Michael Cuddyer and wait for it....wait for it...my personal favorite...Matt Kemp.

Kemp is a dream acquisition for myself and the Braves organization. He would fit in perfectly and could play centerfield for the next 5 seasons. He's a potential 40/40 guy and he is a superstar. But right now he plays on a franchise that is in financial shambles and if the Braves were going to get him they would have to give up Heyward, a top prospect pitcher (Minor, Teheran, Delgado, or Vizcaino) as well as a B prospect. Probably not going to happen with the rumors floating from Brave's Mark Bowman that opposing scouts have concerns about Heyward's swing and that he should probably be sent down to Gwinnett to work on it. Right now he is working with his personal hitting coach. Some guy named C.J. Stewart. You may have heard of him. Tonight he will be batting 5th in Denver. That seems appropriate considering how well he has been hitting the ball lately.

Ok enough of the sarcasm.

Heyward's trade value is considerably low right now even with his young age. He sits out too many games with various injuries and has even pulled himself out of the lineup which has sent off major red flags within the Braves organization. If the Braves could pull off a Heyward/Minor/and a B level prospect for Kemp then you have to do it. The problem is the Dodgers would probably not do it. They would want Teheran or a Beachy and the Braves aren't going to trade either one in my opinion.

So the Kemp trade is a pipe dream. But what about for Pence? Hunter is the most awkward looking outfielder I have ever seen play in the majors but you can't argue with his production and his hustle. He's a fan favorite in Houston and it would probably take a good haul to get him away from the Astros. I would trade Minor and some other prospect not named Teheran for him but I'm not willing to give up Heyward for Pence by any means.

I would definitely be open to getting Quentin. I'm not sure what the White Sox would want for him but I think you could get him for less than what the Astros would want for Pence. I'm not a huge fan of Ludwick, Willingham, or Cuddyer because I don't think they would bring considerable more production than what Heyward or McClouth bring right now.

So in conclusion if the Braves do make a trade which sounds imminent for a right handed bat the #1 guy would be Matt Kemp followed by Pence, Quentin, Ludwick, Willingham, and Cuddyer.

What do you think? Should the Braves still try to get Beltran and send Heyward down to work on his swing? Or should they shoot for the stars and get a Kemp or a Pence?

This guy at the Mike Leach Book Signing has to be a SportsCrack Fan

College football fan: check

Hasn't showered in weeks: check

Laughs at himself: check

Wears a Mike Leach Pirate shirt while waiting in line to get multiple autographs of his book which are mostly for himself: check


Yeah this guy is definitely our core target market here at SportsCrack.com. The only thing he is missing is the Natty and some urine stains on his shorts.

Via Dr. Saturday

Hope Solo Song by Huey Mack

Seriously where is the Alex Morgan love? If you are Hope Solo you embrace this song by Huey Mack. Because make no mistake the US Women's Soccer Teams 15 minutes of fame runs out this weekend. I mean I've pretty much avoided talking about them and the way they choked against Japan in the Final. So now you got to use what God gave you Hope Solo. Nobody is going to be making songs for Abby Wambach even though she was the real star of the World Cup.

Next career move for Solo? Date a famous person. Then you know what's next: sex tape. It's Celebrity 101.

BTW there is no way I get this song out of my head all day.

I kind of like this Huey Mack kid. Any guy who will admit he enjoys the Natty Light is ok in my books...

The Longhorn Network Will Take over the College Football World...Not Really

If you are wondering why Nebraska and Colorado jumped ship from the Big 12 for greener pastures besides money then you might need to look at some of the details in regards to the new Longhorn Network which is set to take over the Big 12 starting August 26th. According to SportsByBrooks that is the date in which the Longhorn Network, run by ESPN programming VP Dave Brown, will start televising high school football games in Texas and other states with specific Longhorn recruits in them. If you got your panties in a bunch when Notre Dame signed a deal with NBC a while back you should be screaming bloody murder over the recruiting advantage and major influence Texas will now have by televising their recruits games on "The Longhorn Network."

Brown did an interview with an ESPN Austin radio station and revealed his master plan for Texas to rule the college football recruiting landscape:

“We’re going to follow the great [high school] players in the state. Obviously a kid like [unsigned Texas verbal commit] Johnathan Gray. I know people [Longhorn Network subscribers] are going to want to see Johnathan Gray, I can’t wait to see Johnathan Gray.

“Feedback from our audience is they just want to see Johnathan Gray run whether it’s 45-0 or not, they want to see more Johnathan Gray. So we’re going to do our best to accomodate them [Longhorn Network subscribers] and follow the kids who are being recruited by a lot of the Division I schools. Certainly some of the kids Texas has recruited and is recruiting and everyone else the Big 12 is recruiting.

“One other thing, you may see us, I know there’s a kid [unsigned Texas verbal commit] Connor Brewer from Chapparal high school in Arizona. We may try to get on one or two of their games as well so people [Longhorn Network subscribers] can see an incoming quarterback that’ll be part of the scene in Austin.“

So you may be asking yourself "what's the big fucking deal?" The big fucking deal is that it gives the Longhorns major influence over recruits decisions into which school they choose. In a way the Longhorn Network is a big bad booster who is giving cash to these high schools to broadcast their games. The Longhorn Network is essentially paying the high school to televise their football program on their network and the sidelines will be decorated in burnt orange. Sorry Oklahoma. Sorry Texas A&M. You guys could be fucked. The coaches of these high school programs will now encourage their kids to go to Texas in order to get their football team on The Longhorn Network.

In conclusion: Texas and coaches like Mack Brown don't need to recruit as heavily as they once did. They got ESPN and The Longhorn Network doing their dirty work. If you are Texas A&M the next move is to jump ship to the SEC Conference. As for Oklahoma a Sooner Network might be the best way to battle back.

The rest of the Big 12 woke up this morning singing this ditty in their head with the thoughts of Texas dominating the recruiting world....



Via SportsByBrooks

Florida Marlins Hot Tub Shot

Interesting view from down the line eh? The Florida Marlins might not get a lot of fans to attend but they aren't suffering from under exposure when it comes to tan lines. I'm thinking there are leather faces on the flip side because I don't see any of the Marlins bullpen turned around staring. And trust Marlins games aren't that interesting to begin with. I'm getting flashbacks from the old lady from "There's Something About Mary."

Via Twitter

USC Suspends Marc Tyler One Game Without Pay

It's fairly obvious he was hammered and joking around when USC starting tailback Marc Tyler made these comments to TMZ last week but it was no laughing matter to head coach Lane Kiffin and AD Pat Hayden. They have agreed to suspend him from all team activities indefinitely and he will sit at least the first game out vs Minnesota for his senior season.

Tyler led the Trojans with 913 yards rushing last season. He also leads the Trojans in the all important category of "spitting on females and groping them while intoxicated." Tyler will strive to seek help from ex-Trojans such as Mark Sanchez who has gone on to the NFL and screwed underage girls.

Tyler is making the Trojan Nation proud. One drunk incident after another.

Cheat On!

All About The Ring

All About the Ring - watch more funny videos

Kate Upton Bringing Her A Game in Miami

Every Monday morning should start off with Kate Upton. Every. Single. Monday. Kate was in Miami doing some fashion show that I'm way too lazy to even care because OMG she is bouncing everywhere. Anyways enough of the talk. Happy Monday SportsCrack heads.





Via Hollywood Tuna

ESPN Statement says Bruce Feldman Never Suspended

You gotta love the smell of fresh fecal matter on this statement released from ESPN today...

"There was never any suspension or any other form of disciplinary action. We took the time to review his upcoming work assignments in light of the book to which he contributed and will manage any conflicts or other issues as needed. Bruce has resumed his assignments."

So it took almost 24 hours for ESPN to even respond to the report of Feldman's suspension and now they are backtracking saying he was never suspended but yet he has "resumed his assignments." Why would he need to "resume" if he was never suspended? ESPN is full of shit but hey we already knew that. The great news is the people have spoken and Feldman has his job back. Now hopefully somebody really smart hires him and let's him do his job.

Dan Patrick Wonders Why Craig James Isn't Suspended but Bruce Feldman Is

Video via SportsGrid

Unless you have been hiding underneath a massive rock on a deserted island you have heard about the grave injustice ESPN committed yesterday in suspending indefinitely college football writer Bruce Feldman for his involvement with the Mike Leach book Swing Your Sword. It was strange considering he got permission from ESPN to help coauthor the book. SportsByBrooks.com broke the story yesterday and immediate outrage was felt throughout the media world with seismic rumbles going through Twitter and Facebook in support of Feldman for simply doing his job. Rival colleagues and fellow writers all came to Feldman's defense while ESPN isn't saying anything. It all comes down to Mike Leach's dismissal at Texas Tech two years ago in which ESPN's own Craig James son Adam was the main reason why Leach lost his job due to "electrical closet" situation. Turns out it was all bullshit and Leach did not force Adam into a closet after a concussion. ESPN failed to mention any of the actual facts on the case and continued to slander Leach with the help of a PR firm employed by the Pony himself Craig. Apparently James has so much pull at ESPN he has become the modern day Illuminati (credit to Drew Magary for coming up with that) of college football.

The truth is James is a douchebag and an asshole who couldn't deal with the fact his son sucked ass at football and was forced to third team tailback at Texas Tech. Instead of facing the truth James concocted a smear campaign against Adam's coach in Leach and eventually got the guy fired despite leading the Red Raiders to bowl games and wins over the #1 teams such as Texas. Unfortunately the James train claimed another victim yesterday in Feldman who by all accounts is a honest, diligent, and great college football writer who was simply doing his job. The little guy got the shaft. FUCK ESPN and FUCK Craig James.

And to top it all off James is playing dumb on his twitter:

craigjames32 craig james
Respected colleague & friend of Feldman since early 90's. Surprised! Saw this in news like y'all

If you want to show your support for Feldman on Twitter type in the hashtag #FreeBruce. Also you can follow us on Twitter at @sportscrack

Friday Funbags

This week we got so many submissions I had to eliminate by default and keep them stored up for next week. I think if we stick with the alliteration and go with five friday funbags it's just about right. You don't want to overload it you know? So we start off with Brooklyn Decker...





Moving along to Braveheart's Sophie Marceau with a little red carpet slippage...




And we end with Melissa Satta. Somehow I'm just discovered this Italian beauty who is married to some soccer player who's name I could give two shits to remember. The world needs more Melissa Satta.

Georgia Tech fined $100k and must vacate 2009 ACC Title

Talk about some news coming out of left field today the NCAA came down on Georgia Tech with a hefty fine of $100,000, taking away their 2009 ACC football championship, and placing them on four years probation all because Demaryius Thomas accepted $312 in free clothing from a friend. Wait a second! That can't be right. Let me check my facts again.

Yep. The NCAA laid the hammer down on Georgia Tech because they got the feeling Tech officials weren't cooperating with them during their investigation into both the football and basketball programs. Since Tech had previous "violations" back in the late 90's they are considered a repeat violator and hence the hefty fine and the stripping of the ACC Championship flag.

Listen we all know who won the shitty ACC football conference in 2009. Tech. Today's NCAA ruling does nothing when it comes to people's perceptions of which team actually won in front of a half filled stadium in Jacksonville. Absolutely nothing. What hurts is the $100K fine. Who pays that? Does a booster just reach in his pocket and write a check or does the program suffer with less scholarships to give? I honestly don't know how it works.

Looking at the big picture I'm surprised the NCAA made such a big deal out of Thomas accepting some free clothing from a friend. I obviously don't know all the facts but if I was in college on academic scholarship (I know I'm laughing as I type it) and somebody offered me some free clothing at Gap or Old Navy I sure as hell would accept it. But the thing is the person on academic scholarship wouldn't suffer from public ridicule and their academic program wouldn't be slammed with a hefty fine because of some free clothing. It's kind of stupid when you think about it.

But anyways now on to the big picture. What happens to the football programs at Ohio State, North Carolina, and Oregon? They all committed more serious "violations" where money was exchanged and coaches and compliance departments tried to cover up the infractions. Do they get the "death penalty" since Tech got hammered today for $312 in free clothing?

What do you think?

Brooklyn Decker and Emmanuelle Chriqui Crushing Cock at The ESPYS

Full disclosure: I didn't watch one second of last night's ESPY's. I'm not a big fan of award shows and it just seems like a lot of ass kissing and networking goes on with these kind of things. I watched Seth Meyers opening monologue today and I thought he did a pretty good job. He was funny but when you have a room full of uptight rich athletes and celebrities who are more sensitive than Jimmer Fredette's girlfriend chastity belt the comedy seems to fall on deaf ears. But enough of that bullshit. The best part of the ESPY's from what I can gather since I didn't watch them was Brooklyn Decker and Entourage's Emmanuelle Chriqui. Both just came out full force last night. They formed the perfect storm of hotness. Tall blonde with big boobs and the petite dark brunette. Good stuff. And both came without their significant others.

Sorry ladies I was busy. Next time I'll accept the invitation when it's a real award show. You know something more serious like the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.





Pictures via DailyMail

The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants Airs Tonight

The reigning World Series Champs have been labeled a Band of Misfits by the local media and if you have seen the antics of closer Brian Wilson and Aubrey Huff in the past you know that tonight's "The Franchise" on Showtime should at least be somewhat entertaining. I'm always interested to know what goes on behind the scenes and learn more about the players in regards to normal daily activity and that is why I'm such a huge fan of "Hard Knocks" and "24/7" shows on HBO. You get a peak into what you would never see just by watching the game. Hopefully Showtime's "The Franchise" is as well produced and directed as those shows. The above clip shows a little of what Buster Posey is facing in terms of rehab and getting back physically as well as mentally into the game he loves. Hopefully they focus on Posey's gnarly left leg and not all the BS that surrounded the "we must protect the catchers" crusade that went on only after Posey was lost for the season. Of course anything with Wilson in it should be highly entertaining. The guy is naturally funny and I don't think he is going to hold anything back like a Jeter or an Arod would. I would love to see how the rookies get hazed and get to meet Tim Lincecum's dealer and see Miguel Tejada's smiling face. If you love baseball then I think tonight's "The Franchise" is way more of a must-see than last night's All-Star Game. At least we won't have to listen to Joe Buck bitch and moan about Derek Jeter not making it to the All-Star Game. Plus this should have cursing and fart jokes. At least I hope so since every dugout I've ever played in was full of those two.

Oh and if you work for Showtime on this show and are reading this which is highly unlikely please dive into the road beef. I know it's risky for the players who are married so by all means avoid that but I want to see what the single guys are doing after a ballgame. I know it's not going to look like the '86 Mets but I expect a little bit of hookers and blow on the side. It's only American.

Video via ExtraMustard

Justin Timberlake Rips Joe Buck and Loves Beer

I just wanted to point some things out. Justin Timberlake was born on January 31st. Wow, so was I. JT doesn't care much for Joe Buck and his smarmy voice. Me neither. JT enjoys hanging out at the pool with the ladies. Well who doesn't? Timberlake thinks beer is food. So do I. Why am I pointing out all this? Because I always thought I had a long lost twin. My parents would even tell me about him. They gave him up for adoption because they didn't want Marvin (Justin is a much better name now) to be jealous of myself because I was the good looking one with all the talent. It's good to see Marvin has gone on to do better things with his life and not let his deformities both inside and out effect his career in entertainment. We can't all be MFCEO's of SportsCrack LLC Marvin. I'm proud of you Justin. Don't hesitate to call me if you ever need pointers on how to hook up with the ladies.

By the way the National League won 5-1 and Prince Fielder was named MVP after hitting a 3-run bomb thus shutting up those fucking imbeciles in Arizona who kept on booing him because he didn't put Justin Upton in the home run derby. Who's got the last laugh now you fucking cactus fuckers?

Kenny Powers - The K Swiss MFCEO (Uncensored)

Kenny Powers - The K-Swiss MFCEO (UNCENSORED) - watch more funny videos

I'm putting MFCEO on my new business cards. Because I'm not just the CEO and founder of SportsCrack LLC, the greatest t-shirt sports company known to man. I'm the mother fucking CEO. Ever since I started SportsCrack all I ever heard was you can't do this, you can't do that, you will piss off too many people, God hates you, blah blah bull shit. Well guess what? SportsCrack hasn't changed. And I sure as fuck don't plan on changing it anytime soon. That is unless someone wants to offer me a couple of million for the biz. Then I'm not going to lie. I'm in the Caribbean bitches downing Mai tais and smoking blunts like an ex-MFCEO. But until I get bought out by Kenny Powers I'm going to be right here. Cursing like Jesus when he was nailed to the cross.

So in conclusion if you want to get laid you need to be wearing a SportsCrack.com shirt while running around chasing tail with some K-Swiss Tubes (hint hint to the upper powers at K Swiss to send me some more fucking shoes now!) on. Don't be some asshole loser that nobody respects like Derek Jeter. Be a winner. Not a perennial loser like Jeter. That guy can't even get ass without paying for it or getting some 3000 bullshit. Poor fella.

"Hot secretary, get the President on the line. I just got tired of paying taxes."