THE MACHINE

Manu Ginobli, otherwise known as the bald Pinocchio puppet cost the Spurs the series and The Machine knows it.

THIS SHOULD BE DONE DAILY TO RED SOX FANS

Fucking loudmouth chowderheads go down quickly when drunk. Hopefully this becomes a time honored tradition where some douchebag Red Sox wannabe fan get leveled by security as soon as they say "Wicked" or "Pissah" or whatever retard language they use while pawking their caw.

Video HT: WithLeather via Big League Stew

WHO ARE YOU IN SEX AND THE CITY

I know, like all the men out there who decided to stop using their penis a long time ago I am soooo super excited about Sex and the City coming out. Seriously, if you go to this movie and have a functional penis please just kill yourself because I already hate you.

And yes, I would soooo be Samantha because I love to have angry sex with men half my age.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Larry Jones Jr. is now hitting .420 but says it's a shame he has to hit so high in order to get All-Star recognition...

"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones said. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."

Dude, stop being such a fucking meathead and appreciate the recognition you are receiving this year. Sure you are one of the most underrated players in the past 20 years but some of that has to do with your ability to stay injured for periods of time. Listen Chipper, I want to really like you but when you say shit like this it makes you look like a spoiled athlete who doesn't appreciate the greater things in life. Like knocking up random Hooters waitresses.

-Albert Pujols wants his recognition too! Only he lets his bat do the talking while playing through injuries as he proved yesterday with his 13th HR in leading the surprising Cardinals to a 3-2 win over the Astros. King Albert is top 10 in almost every single important offensive category except illegitimate kids. Chipper clearly is leading.

-Rays closer Troy Percival was put on the DL for a sore hamstring (translation: pussy) and will surely cost Fantasy geeks points while he lets his swollen vagina heal. Dan Wheeler appears to be a candidate to replace him as closer along with 3 other guys I have never heard of or want to speak of. The Rays are still in first place by the way with an average attendance less than 15,000 watching this home games in the Tropicana. I guess the Florida trailer trash have not caught Ray's fever yet.

NBA
-So you have the game in hand, all you have to do is run off the clock by holding on to the ball but the spread is 7.5 points and you are only winning by 5. What do you do? Apparently if you are Lakers forward Sasha Vujacic you shoot the god damn ball unless you want to be missing one of your fingers as Awful Announcing points out...


How dare Doug Collins question Vujacic for shooting the ball! Being a degenerate gambler on a regular basis I feel for Vujacic. And yes, I would give him a handshake full of Benjamins right now if I could. Vegas baby, Vegas!

NFL
-Okay Bears fans, you can stop holding your breath now. Brian Urlacher plans to attend the Bears minicamp today. There was thought he might hold out of mandatory football activities with the team because he wanted to renegotiate his contract but then he realized he already signed one in 2003 for $57 million for nine years. Funny how those things just work themselves out.

NHL
-Vancouver Canucks rookie defenseman Luc Bourdon died yesterday after he crashed his motorcycle into a tractor trailer near his hometown in Shippagan, New Brunswick. Sportscrack sends our deepest sympathy and prayers out to the Bourdon family and the Canucks organization. 21 years old is way too young to die.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-SEC coaches voted 9-3 to approve an early signing period for recruits. Of course Urban Meyer doesn't approve because he loves to poach other team's recruits. I like the idea of an early signing period and hope the NCAA will approve it. Too many times kids and their parents are getting paid or given gifts to switch commitments. This way they can just get their money and gifts before Christmas. Remember, it's all about the kids.

2008 WING N' ROCK FEST

If you love beer, wings, rock n rock then I have the perfect festival for you this weekend in Marietta, GA. It's called the River Wing N' Rock Fest sponsored by Gas South and it's at the Marietta Square and it's completely FREE. Expect plenty of babes, brews, sun, killer music, great chicken wings from the finest Atlanta restaurants and of course the finest Sportscrack and Drink Like A Champion Today shirts at the huge Festival.

Yes, we will be representing ourselves at this wonderful festival.

Feel free to get drunk and fat with us this Saturday, May 31st or spread the word as we kick off the summer with a bang at the 3rd Annual Wing N' Rock Festival at Marietta Square.

And just to make this completely clear it is a FREE event and there will be plenty of cold beer with great wings. If you don't come you might as well hand your panties to your significant other because there really is no reason for you to walk this planet.

THE JOSH HAMILTON STORY

SI writer Albert Chen has an excellent article detailing the struggles Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has gone through in his past with drugs and alcohol to reach the Triple Crown threat he is presently in the major leagues. I've said it before but after you learn the whole story behind Hamilton and his constant battle to stay sober and clean it is nearly impossible not to root for the kid. He can rake with the best of them and it's great to see someone else in the Majors beat crack other than Otis Nixon. Sorry, I had to get that little jab in there on my man Otis. Read the story if you get the chance and if the Texas Rangers ever visit a park near you make sure you buy a ticket just to watch Hamilton take batting practice and interact with the fans. Everyone should have a soft spot for a guy trying to redeem himself.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Erik Bedard showed his ace stuff last night shutting out the Red Sox for seven innings before Brandon Morrow(future stud closer) came into the 8th and blew 100 mph fastballs past Dustin Pedroia. I actually caught the last few innings and was blown away, literally, how nasty Morrow is out of their pen. He should be their closer over J. J. Putz. His curveball is filthy and his fastball is electric. Who knew a 1-0 game could be this exciting?

-The Braves lost outfielder Matt Diaz to a partial tear to a knee ligament which will leave him sidelined for at least 4 weeks. The Braves activated Rafael Soriano, presumably the closer now, to fill in Diaz spot on the roster. The Brewers beat the Braves 1-0 in what seemed like an extremely boring game opposite of the Red Sox-Mariners game.

-Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports has some interesting trade scenarios for impending free agent pitcher C. C. Sabathia. He thinks the Indians need a slugger in their lineup because they can't score worth a shit this year and recommends either Adam Dunn, Mark Teixeira, Pat Burrell, or Bobby Abreu as possible trade bait for Sabathia because all of them are free agents too. The Braves wouldn't trade Teixeira for Sabathia because he provides Chipper with great protection and it isn't a coincidence that he has been having the best stretch of his career since they put him in front of Tex. I could see the Burrell trade working but the Phillies would have to add some sweetener (prospect) to the deal because Burrell straight up isn't worth a Sabathia. The Indians wouldn't trade with the Yankees for obvious reasons and I'm not sure the Reds have the balls to trade Adam Dunn yet.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons to go up in the series 3-2. Ray Allen finally woke up from his slump and scored 29 points to help protect Boston's homecourt. The series switches to Detroit tomorrow night. Expect at least 8 deaths in Motown before tipoff.


NHL
-There you go Penguins! Sidney Crosby scored two goals and Marian Hossa put away his tampon and added two assists as the Penguins beat the Red Wings 3-2 in Game 3. Now that the Penguins got some pucks past Chris Osgood it should give them a boost of confidence and perhaps make this Finals interesting. We will see.

THE NEW COACH FOR THE CHICAGO BULLS IS...

Doug Collins. Seriously? Bulls GM John Paxson and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf both think he can help teach the young guys how to play smart basketball and get them back to the playoffs winning championships. I think he took the job because they won the #1 pick and got tired of telling us on TNT about "Me and Michael" Jordan and how they could have done this and that.

A FORMER NOTRE DAME PLAYER HATES HIS LIFE AND OTHERS

Dan Quinn, a former linebacker/crazy person at Notre Dame during the Lou Holtz era apparently has an ax to grind. He let us know that not only did Holtz and others eff him over on his potentially great career as a pile jumper but that he has a great invention called soap water that make you delusional and psychotic all at the same time.

Actually, I had tried some of the soap water last year. It had a label on it: "ND Football 2007." I wouldn't recommend trying it again.

Dan apparently took way too many hits to the head and I'm not sure what he means by going face to face with Frank Stams in the shower. Sounds a little homo erotic there Danny! To fill you in Quinn got suspended from Notre Dame during his days of riding the pine when he was accused of sexual assault and tested positive for steroids. He later went on to sue the University and you can find a ton of his quotes in the book Tarnished Dome which incorrectly details Notre Dame football during the late 80's.

In essence he epitomizes winner in every sarcastic sense of the definition.

Shine on you crazy diamond Dan...

Video HT: FanIQ

MARIAH CAREY THROWS LIKE A DIVA

No one in the States would let the singer throw out the first pitch in their ballpark unless she performed The National Anthem. Thus we get the great first pitch she delivers in Japan. She has an arm that rivals Juan Pierre.

Video HT: FanIQ

USELESS INFORMATION

Forgetting Sarah Marshall's Kristen Bell needs her some Chris Osgood.


-Some guy named Rick Sund is the new GM for the Atlanta Hawks. Exciting news here in Atlanta as this is sure to boost ticket sales through the roof. I'm sure Hawks fans will jump for joy once they hear about the former Seattle Sonics GM whom was fired for a shitty job performance which included leading the Sonics to the dungeon of the NBA is now their new GM. See, sex dungeons are cool and hip. The NBA cellar dungeon not so much. The Hawks will never learn.

-Pete Rose said on the Dan Patrick show that he bet 2 grand a game on the Reds when he was a manager.

"It was like $2,000. That's it," Rose said in the interview. "And it didn't change -- because I know you're going to say, Well betting's all about pitching and stuff like that -- I didn't care who was pitching for me or who was pitching for the opposition. I just made it easy for the guys making the bets and just bet this much every game and that's the way we did it."

Will Rose just go away already. He has been banned from the game since 1989 and nothing he confesses now will change. Face it Pete, you are an asshole who will never get in the Hall of Fame. Say it to yourself ten straight times, or better yet write it down so it registers and start doing new things outside of trying to persuade people you are not an asshole.

-Trev Alberts thinks Notre Dame football is going to return to...oh fuck...don't say it...okay...glory(sigh) this season because Charlie Weis isn't an idiot and the Fighting Irish finally have some talent with experience.

Um, how about I go out on a limb and say Notre Dame wins a minimum of 9 games this season. Can I get Sprint to videotape me while sitting on my roof overlooking Atlanta? And yes, ND will win 9 games and be back in a significant bowl so everyone else in the country can be pissed because ND sells out and their favorite college team doesn't.

-Young starlet Kristen Bell wants to lick Detroit Red Wings goaltender Chris Osgood from head to toe while sipping Fruity Pebbles from his baby arm. Good for her. Actually, great for Chris Osgood! It's just a matter of time before Osgood dumps his wife faster than Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow once he found out she had cancer. To each it's own.

-Tennis player Ashley Hawkmyload is going to pose for Playboy. No reason for us to buy a Playboy since the internet gives us free access to these things but I'm sure some lonely tennis fan is stringing his racquet while fiddling with his mustache while crying to himself "Now I can know what lies underneath it all Ashley!" Yep, tennis fans are sick and demented only because Bud Collins scares the shit out of me. Fucking clown pants and his sweaty bald head!


Ashley Hawkmyload licks her lips in agreement.

LITTLE LEAGUE FIGHT

Ahhh, the good old days when you could punch somebody for taking your juice box and not worry about going to jail for it. I actually chuckled when I saw this clip because I was involved with a similar incident when I was about 12 years old playing little league baseball. We were slapping hands with the other team after the game and then next thing you know some little asshat on the other team shoves some panties into my teammate buddy's face. Well, needless to say it set me off pretty good and I pummeled the kid after I tackled him to the ground. Of course I got suspended for a couple of games but I will never forget the expression on the kid's face when I beat the shit out of him. Priceless. Damn, I really miss Little League. And to come to think of it I never fully understood why the kid shoved some panties into someone else's face. It must have been a gay ritual or something absolutely bizarre in which my childish mind could never comprehend in my Nintendo playing years.

True story by the way. Somewhere some idiot parent is watching this and reasoning with themselves to bring a gun to a Little League game just in case something like this happens to their child. The name of the parent is Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue by the way.

Video HT: Deadspin

BOOTYFUL GAME

See, soccer is such a beautiful game until you look at it up close and see it will never be taken seriously here in the States till they get rid of bad teeth and offsides. And seriously, who the fuck eats at Burger King anymore? I don't think I've even touched something from Butt King in at least 5 years.

HT: Hot Clicks

STOP IT JANICE, THIS HURTS!

SCARED FAT KID + INSANE LAUGHTER= COMEDIC GOLD

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-"Jay Bruce is a god." "Finally, a savior for the Reds." "He is the greatest player to play in the last 50 years."
These were all heard last night in Cincy as Bruce Almighty had a perfect major league debut going 3-3 with 2 walks, a stolen base, and a couple of RBI's. Throw in a few standing ovations for the rookie before his first MLB hit and you could see the makings of a legend as soon as he stepped onto the field.

"It's so much the same as the minors," said Bruce, who was batting .364 in Triple-A. "They've just got bigger stands, more fans and better uniforms."

But Bruce forgot to mention the much better looking women with the huge breasts. Rookie mistake. He will learn.



-Hawk-ing one up eh? You have to love the drama that is created by the New York press. In one of the most entertaining games of the season, the Orioles and Yankees combined for 9 home runs while the O's twice came back from 4 run deficits to tie the game and eventually won it in the 11th with a walk-off single from pinch hitter Alex Cintron. Kevin MIIILLLLAAAARRRR!!! hit two bombs into the left centerfield stands and Brian Roberts made a spectacular stab of an Alex Rodriguez liner with the bases loaded to start a huge double play. Yankees starter Ian Kennedy was again horrible with his location and is now on the disabled list because in all honesty he doesn't deserve to play in the majors yet. He blows actually. The Yankees will try to salvage a game in the series as the notorious Orioles killer Andy Pettitte takes the hill tonight against Jeremy Guthrie.

-Josh Hamilton for MVP? The recovering heroin addict hit a grand slam and finished the night with 5 RBI's to give himself a major league leading 58 RBI's, 12 more than anybody else in both leagues in helping the surprising Texas Rangers to a 12-6 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. Right now I would have to say the 27 year old is by far the leading MVP candidate as he is on a pace to drive in 176 runs despite playing with a heavily taped left thumb that would cause considerable discomfort to most players. Hamilton isn't most players. He is the type of player everyone with a heart should root for because of his ability to beat the demons inside his head and kick aside a life threatening drug habit. And just a reminder that Hamilton was traded during the offseason for Cy Young candidate Edinson Volquez to make room for Jay Bruce. Strange how things work out for both the clubs and the players.

-Ervin Santana bounced back from consecutive losses to throw a complete game 3 hitter against the Detroit Tigers in a 3-2 win. The pitching duel between Santana and Jeremy Bonderman was a good one and the Tigers squandered a 2 run lead in the eighth inning with a wild pitch to Vladimir Guerrero and an RBI single by Garrett Anderson tying the game. Gary Matthews completed the comeback win with a RBI single with two outs in the 9th.
Things have only gotten worse in Detroit as Gary Sheffield was put on the DL with a strained oblique and Carlos Guillen is now playing DH after a switch from 3B because of a horrible case of hemorrhoids. I shit you not.

NBA
You make the call...

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing
If you thought NBA ref Joey Crawford made the right call by not making one you are either a Lakers fan or had money riding on them. On the other hand if you think the no foul call was bullshit you are more than likely rooting for the Spurs. I thought there was a foul by Derek Fischer on Brent Barry on the play but Barry didn't sell it. See, in today's NBA game you have to flop or act like you are being castrated in order to draw a foul. Barry the veteran should have known this. The Lakers are now up 3-1 in the series as they go back to Los Angeles. The NBA will get it's wish as the Lakers will advance to the NBA Finals with a game 5 victory. Mark it down. And hopefully somebody castrates Ginobli, Duncan, and Parker. Actually Parker has already been since he married that stupid attention whore. I can't remember her name but I think she plays thirdbase for the Rays.

NFL
-As far as I know nobody got arrested or killed by an NFL player. All in all a message Commissioner Roger Goodell approves of while stroking his feline while counting his millions...


NHL
-The Red Wings traveled to Pittsburgh yesterday while waiting to destroy the Penguins tonight in Mellon Arena in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals on NBC. I really have nothing else to say except Malkin and Hossa need to get their heads out of their asses and live up to their All-Star playing ability. Fuckers! This of course has nothing to do with me betting on the Penguins to win the damn series. Assholes!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Tony Barnhart points out that Alabama coach Nick Saban is still pissed off about "the Nick Saban rule." The rule was created by the NCAA to keep head coaches off the road in May to do recruiting evaluations because Saban was supposedly breaking some rule.

“I understand why they did it,” Saban said. “It was because everybody was paranoid about what everybody else is doing. I got turned in all kind of times because I was supposedly doing this and that and I wasn’t doing it. I was just watching practice and evaluating players, which is part of our job.”

College footall is all about paranoia. We live for it. Everybody else is cheating except our favorite college team. These are things we rationalize in our heads everyday as we stalk our favorite players on MySpace and Facebook. Deal with it Saban!

ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE'S POON SCHEDULE

Our buddy Pooner over at Poon of the SEC alerted me to his new Alabama Crimson Tide football schedule. As you can see in the picture above Nick Saban's crew should be quite titillating with a schedule that starts off with a game against a spanky/spunky Clemson squad in Atlanta. Poon of the SEC is trying to gather all of the terrific SEC poon out there to make schedules for their respective teams and not just BAMA poon. So if you have some good SEC Poon pictures be sure to send them to him but of course you might want to send them to me first so I can make sure they are worthy. Duty calls people and I consider myself an expert in the SEC Poon living down here in Atlanta.

Trust me, I have seen plenty of potential from schools such as Georgia, Florida, and Auburn. So don't let this BAMA poon be the only one...she says pretty please...

HT: Poon of the SEC

FINE ITALIAN SOCCER STREAKING COVERAGE

Actually, I could care less about those flopping fakers over there in Italy but the women love them. And to show off their love for all things Italian in soccer they stalk them at practice and in a bizarre mating ritual they run at them while stripping off their clothes in order to gain the respect of the flopping fakers.

Watch as the predator stalks the prey, ripping their clothes off while hunting...




I'm still hoping shit like this will start happening here in the States. The 7th inning stretch should be a calling for all the beautiful women to rush the field, strip, and try to mate with their favorite athlete. Why wait for after the game when you can show your love and admiration in front of tens of thousands in attendance?

Rumor has it the one streaker in the white bikini is Marianne Puglia, a former Miss Earth Venezuela in 2006 who just instantly became my favorite Miss Earth contestant ever. My manpiece loves all nationalities.

Video HT: WithLeather

A SIGN OF OUR TIME

I will drink to those words any day! The picture was taken on Ohio State's campus for what it is worth. Not much then. Gas in now reaching over $4 a gallon. If those dicks at OPEC keep it up I might have to stay at home all the time and drink alone. Oh shit, never mind, I do it anyways. Good luck with your recorded billions and billions of profits!

HT: TheDirty

CHARLIE WEIS WANTS A RECKONING

You wretched slugs, don't any of you have the guts to fight for blood?

After a 3-9 season I'm betting Charlie either has a hot dog in his sights or one of these guys:
A) Pete Carroll
B) Urban Meyer
C) Mark Mays

It's only a matter of time, actually 92 more days, till college football comes fighting back. Hopefully Weis has a game plan this season that doesn't consist of linemen falling down while failing to protect the QB. For some reason while staring at the picture of Weis above I came to think of him as playing the character of Johnny Ringo in Tombstone. I could imagine Weis running this little thought in his head while thinking of the menacing trio of Carroll, Meyers, and Mays...

Picture HT: Awful Announcing

KOBE BRYANT JUMPS OVER SNAKE POOL

Kobe Bryant doesn't give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs! You know why I know this stuff? Because he has time to film a spot with the whole gang of Jackass of him jumping over a bunch of snakes. Sure it's fake but so apparently were those rape allegations. It's time for me to now forgive Kobe. He seems like a really cool dude. I can now stamp my ticket to hell.

By the way, Wee Man and Chris Pontius are the shit!

Video HT: FunnyorDie

DAVID BECKHAM SCORES FROM 70 YARDS

Apparently David Beckham still plays in the USA. Shit, I had no idea but after watching this video of his cross field goal from 70 yards out he still has game...

I know, soccer can be so riveting. Ain't that right Becks...

Never mind, he like most of us has his mind on other things.

PHIL MICKELSON FAN DOES A CANNONBALL

It's amazing what the drama of PGA Golf can do to some folks. And if you give them a few beers while soaking in the sun all day it is just a matter of time before they decide to take a dip...
Phil Mickelson or Lefty as all the retards call him may have won The Colonial on Sunday but the real winner was the fan.

JESSICA BIEL IS A FLORIDA MARLINS FAN

And like all ten of them seems very uninterested in the Marlins or the game itself. I'm not sure what is happening with Jessica Biel but I think her career is starting to go down the crapper. She already has some major bumps on her lower left lip from Derek Jeter's cock and now she won't even wear makeup to cover it up while sipping on Bud Light with the locals. She might as well call it a day and give into the Playboy demands or go all Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" in order to appease the masses. And by appease I mean to release an amateur sex video.

Daily Celebrity Pic

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Reds have finally decided to call-up superstar prospect Jay Bruce for tonight's game against the Shitsburgh Pirates. It's about fucking time! Bruce has been destroying AAA pitching this season and has little if anything left to prove in the minors. The Reds outfield of Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr., and Corey Patterson has been weak all season so I'm not sure what the hold up was in keeping Bruce down at Louisville. Bruce will more than likely start tonight in centerfield which means once prized Cubs prospect Corey Patterson could be getting his release papers today. At least this now gives me a reason to watch the Reds play tonight against the lowly Pirates on the MLB package.

-Speaking of rookies, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw made his MLB debut the other day against the St. Louis Cardinals and was extremely impressive for a 20 year old. The 6-foot-3 lefty walked one, gave up 5 hits, and struck out 7 while giving up 2 runs in 6 innings of work. His fastball was hitting 96 while his breaking ball was buckling knees while hitting the mid 70's. When the Orioles were talking to the Dodgers to see what kind of interest they would have with Erik Bedard during the offseason the main prospect the O's were interested in was Kershaw. It appears from a distance the Dodgers made the right move in keeping Kershaw. He has future ace written all over him. Plus he replaces Jason Schmidt in the rotation because the old man can't take a shit without going on the disabled list.

-Chase Utley drove in 6 runs in a 20-5 rout over the Colorado Rockies. The Phillies are starting play good ball but what in the hell happened to the Rockies? They sit at 20-31 and look like they will suck balls all season. I guess their magical mystical run to the World Series last season was just that. Their pitching is pathetic and their offense is non-existent without Holliday and Tulowitzki in the lineup. Clint Hurdle needs to work on his constantly red alcoholism face by chugging more Jack in the dugout, it's going to be a long season in Denver.

-Damn, Brandon Webb might now lose 9 in a row. Webb suffered his second straight defeat yesterday in Atlanta after winning his first 9 games. Of course his defense didn't help him as 3B Mark Reynolds committed his 9th error of the season thus leading the Braves to another easy home victory and a split of the 4 game series. Severna Park native and hopefully future O's player Mark Teixeria collected 4 RBI's as the Braves improved to 22-7 at home while sitting tied with the Phillies for second place in the National League East.

-Finally Nick Markakis
broke out of his your "slowly killing Fairchild to death slump" yesterday by clobbering a homerun while going 3-4 against the hated New York Yankees in helping rookie Garrett Olson pick up his 4th win of the season. Hopefully the "confidence booster" of yesterday's performance will help Kakes reestablish himself as one of the top young talents in the game. His strikeout ratio has been alarmingly high and either he needs to make some adjustments in his long stroke or hitting coach Terry Crowley needs to be fired asap. With the way the O's have been hitting all season, or shall I say lack of hitting, I think Crowley needs to get the pink slip now.

NBA
-The Pistons beat the Celtics to even the series at 2-2. An interesting point my wife made to me last night while we were watching the game, she thinks the Pistons are a better team because they have set plays while the Celtics pretty much hand it to either Garnett, Pierce, or Allen and tell them to do their thing. She has a good point and I think the Pistons will win game 5 in Boston. Mark it down because as marriage is teaching me, never, ever, disagree with the old lady. Now excuse me while I go wash out the sand out of my vagina.

NHL
-What in the holy hell has happened to the Pittsburgh Penguins? They have been shut out twice by the mighty Detroit Red Wings and even their goaltender Marc Andre Fleury is choking while trying to run out on the ice...

Graceful, isn't he? Evgeni Malkin and Marian Hossa have been non factors so far for the Penguins and unless both of them step up quickly there is a good chance they could get swept. If you smell a faint odor of pooh it's a good chance it's from the NHL commissioner's box after seeing his poster boy in Sidney Crosby being held without a point in the first two games on the biggest stage.

NFL
-Vince Young almost quit after his rookie season in order to party shirtless with a bunch of dugans. The picture on the right is of him partying in the meat packing district while sweating profusely because Madonna's latest with JT is off the hook. If you don't think Young is bringing back the queer while roping the steers in Texas well then you haven't been listening to him...

"I really thought long and hard about it," Young told the Web site.

Only porn stars, catholic girls, and gay men think about things long and hard. And to top it all off Young had these priceless quotes...

"I have a stronger circle," Young told the Web site. "Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I'm representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I've learned from my life."

What about George Michael and Pee Wee Herman? It's only a matter of time before Vince in caught rubbing one off in a urinal with some other dude. In fact Vegas should start taking action on it.

-Tony Romo is still dating, or shall I say shagging, Jessica Simpson. But Tony might want to watch his back in case some other drunk dude decides to make a pass...
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.


COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Steroids and HGH do a body good. Especially a linebacker named Brian Cushing who just happens to play at USC...

Cushing is from New Jersey originally(Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!) and the first picture on the left is him off the juice with a serious set of man boobs. Think of Meatloaf in "Fight Club." Now he is back on the juice. Think of Sylvester Stallone in everything. It's just a matter of time before Latimer, I mean Cushing, grinds on some girl and throws her across the room because "she was leading him on!"

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

Sportscrack wants to thank all the veterans and current troops who have sacrificed their lives so we can enjoy ball games and curse at the televisions when things don't go our team's way.

PILLOW TALK

Isn't this what we all wish for? I thought so...

GEORGIA TECH LANDS TOP OPTION QB IN JORDAN LUALLEN

Yesterday Georgia Tech picked up one of it's biggest commitments so far in the Paul Johnson era by landing top 15 QB Jordan Luallen. Luallen is a dual-threat quarterback out of Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana and turned down offers from Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Louisville, Maryland, Purdue, Stanford, and Cincinnati to pick the Yellow Jackets. He is a tall QB at 6-foot-3 who can scramble and scored 25 total touchdowns last season in helping his team to a 9-2 record.

Luallen should fit in perfectly for Johnson's triple option/spread offense he is looking to establish this fall in his first season on the Flats. Many pundits didn't think Johnson could land a top QB with his offense that almost ran to perfection at Navy the past few seasons. Johnson proved them wrong. Landing a recruit the stature of Luallen can only help and signals to other recruits that Johnson could have a top 20 class due signing day.

Now if only they can recruit 4 and 5 star recruits at every other position then they may have a chance to beat in-state rival Georgia. Key word: MAY.

IRISH LAND NASTY LB IN CARLO CALABRESE

The Fighting Irish have been needing a hard-nosed, punishing linebacker who loves to destroy the other team's players to fit into Jon Tenuta's blitzing attack and it looks like they found the perfect match in LB Carlo Calabrese of New Jersey. Yesterday Calabrese committed to Notre Dame and head coach Charlie Weis making him the 5th commitment and 3rd out of the Garden State in the 2009 class.

Calabrese looks like an old throwback type of football player who always plays with a ton of emotion and simply loves to hit people.

"I like hitting kids," Calabrese said. "That's my favorite thing."

Calabrese is the perfect fit for the MIKE position at ILB for Notre Dame. He has great instincts for the ball and is already big enough and strong enough to compete for playing time once he arrives on campus in 2009. He knows how to shed blocks and plays with a solid base which should make him an excellent middle linebacker in college with the ability to stop the run. At 6-foot-2, 225 pounds, he is built like a big rig and hits like one too. Looking at this picture will give you a better understanding of just how strong and big he is coming out of Verona High School(same high school as former Notre Dame tight end and current Miami Dolphin Anthony Fasano) in New Jersey.

Calabrese looks like a freak of nature and if I had to compare him to someone coming out of high school I would say he reminds me a lot of Takeo Spikes. He just seems like he knows where the football is going to go and quickly beats the opponent to the spot and then...well, he simply crushes them. Calabrese will become an instant fan favorite in South Bend with the way he plays the game and the emotion and heart he leaves out on the football field every Saturday. He is by far my favorite recruit in this class because of the energy he brings to the field and should be an excellent recruiter for the 2009 class which can reach the high teens in numbers.

Here are some highlights of Calabrese absolutely destroying the opposition while foaming at the mouth...

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Braves completed the 4 game sweep of the pathetic New York Mets yesterday behind an exceptional pitching performance by Tim Hudson and some timely hitting by Met-killer Larry Jones. The crowd was electric last night with the brooms out in full force as the Braves mounted a comeback against lefty ace Johan Santana by scoring 3 runs in the 7th thanks to a RBI single by Chipper to take the lead with runners on first and third.

"You live for that moment." "It was awesome; we played great," said Jones, who went 2-for-4 to raise his major league-leading average from .410 to .412. "When we look back at the end of the season ... most fun we had all year on the field. Just great.""

I might have been wrong about the Braves this season. I didn't think they could compete in a division with the Phillies and the Mets with their pitching but starters Tom Glavine and especially Jair Jurrjens have both been pleasant surprises. The Braves are now a NL best 20-5 at home but still have the major leagues worst road record at 6-16. The bullpen has a lot of question marks too but the lineup is really coming together with Mark Teixeria, Kelly Johnson and Brian McCann all heating up as the Ted gets hotter in late May. The Diamondbacks come in for a 3 game series starting today in what should be a good barometer of this Braves team in that the D'Backs are clearly a better team than the Mets.

-Speaking of the D'Backs, they come to Atlanta after being sweeped in a 3 game series by the Florida Marlins. Young lefty Andrew Miller(acquired in the Cabrera trade) shut out the D'Backs for seven innings while striking out 9 batters to improve the Marlins record to a NL East best 27-19. With a $22 million payroll and a roster full of young guys it would be hard to imagine this Marlins squad playing this well so far into the season. The Marlins are playing great baseball and didn't even commit an error during the 3 game sweep.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 8th in a row with a 3-1 victory over the slumping Cleveland Indians. The Indians can't hit worth a shit and are last in the Majors in batting average and runs scored.

-What are the Reds waiting for in Jay Bruce? The Major League's top overall prospect, Bruce is tearing it up in the minors with a .369 batting average with 24 extra base hits. The Reds suck balls right now so why not call him up? Maybe Dusty Baker has plans of blowing out Cueto and Volquez's arms before calling up Bruce.

-I'm going to say it once and that is it: Instant replay is stupid in baseball.

NBA
-Down go the Celtics on their home court. The Pistons tied the series last night handing the Celtics their first home loss in the playoffs. The NBA's nightmare scenario could come to fruition if the Spurs beat the Lakers tonight on their home court. Of course David Stern won't let this happen just like he wouldn't let the Bulls not get the #1 pick in the draft.

NHL
-Nothing remotely fucking interesting happened yesterday other than one more painful day till the Stanley Cup Finals begin.

NFL
-Teammates are already taunting Matt Ryan. Only a matter of time before he goes into Ryan Leaf meltdown mode playing behind a questionable offensive line.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Some big recruiting news for both Notre Dame and Georgia Tech. I will have more on this later as the Fighting Irish land a punishing linebacker and the Yellow Jackets get a verbal from an option QB.

HUDSON VS. SANTANA TONIGHT

I'm out of here people for tonight..off to go see Tim Hudson try to complete the four game sweep of the New York Mets against Johan Santana. And don't worry, I will be drunk with plenty of handrails to slide down. I will update you guys tomorrow. Happy Thursday before Memorial Day weekend mother effers!

STANLEY CUP TROPHY MONTAGE

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

I got the good fortune this past January to attend the NHL Player's Party during the All-Star game weekend here in Atlanta and personally see the Stanley Cup up close. Something is magical about it. Granted I had a few drinks in me but I still got a case of the goosebumps as soon as I saw it. I couldn't help but stare at it in amazement like I was 12 years old all over again after I ordered the Spice Channel so me and my buds could watch it. It is by far the best trophy in all of sports and easily the most recognized throughout the world. Lord Stanley Cup is a representation of the blood, sweat and tears every NHL player battles through their whole life just to get a chance to raise it. This Saturday the Detroit Red Wings and Pittsburgh Penguins will battle for the right to hoist it. I will be watching but I wonder if you will? Be so kind and participate in the poll on the right sidebar of this page.

Prediction: Penguins take it in 6.

C.C. SABATHIA BLOWS ONE OUT

Nothing wrong with Big C.C. busting out a cheek rippler in front of his teammates in the dugout. Maybe this explains why the Indians and Sabathia have been so down right stinky this season. Jim Leyland approves of this message by blowing farts out of his trachea in case you were wondering.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE GREATEST SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COVER EVER?

I'm not even a comic book fan but I really love this new cover of Sports Illustrated. Of course I'm not ready to jump on the bandwagon of pundits who believe the New York Yankees are done. A baseball season is not a sprint but a marathon. A really long fucking marathon that consists of a 162 games. While I will be the first to admit I love seeing the Yankees get their asses handed to them night in and night out I also believe this team has way too much talent to just throw in the towel a quarter of the season into it. The Yankees starting pitching has been bad lately and it will be interesting to see how Joba Chamberlain pitches going into the 4th and 5th innings when he could be gassed.

I'm also not sure if Tampa Bay can keep up with their current performance. They might have a lot of young talent but they also have holes. They don't score a lot of runs and their starting pitching is still really young with guys who are unproven. I will be rooting for them every time they play with the exception of their match ups with the Orioles but I can see them fading over the long haul of the season. I hope I'm wrong because I like watching the Rays play baseball. I would kill to have either one of a Carl Crawford, BJ Upton, or Evan Longoria in my starting lineup. But let's be realistic for once on this site and see that the Rays will only go so far as their starting pitching and bullpen leads them. With Troy Percival as the closer I wouldn't be laying too many prop bets on them reaching the playoffs this year. Next year they could be one of the best teams in the majors especially if they hit a homerun with their #1 pick in the MLB draft, say picking up catcher Buster Posey who could reach the big league team fast as a catcher.

But I got to give kudos out to SI for the cover. I'm sure a lot of comic book nerds will be swooping in Barnes and Nobles throughout the country and buying it and sealing it within their acid free room.

ALBERT PUJOLS TAKES OUT PITCHER AND CATCHER

Apparently Pujols isn't a Padres fan. In the span of one inning he takes out pitcher Chris Young with a line drive straight to the nose and then absolutely destroys catcher Josh Bard's ankle with a clean slide at home.

But hey, at least he gave a little prayer for both of them. A prayer to poop on them.

HT: WithLeather via FanIQ

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Brandon Webb failed to pick up his 10th win in his first 10 starts by losing to the Florida Marlins 3-1 on Wednesday night. He was bidding to become only the 3rd pitcher since World War I to win his first 10 starts and I'm sure he soured his throat with random Miami trix to get over the whole ordeal of putting a loss on his record. The Marlins won their second straight against the D Backs despite sitting Hanley Ramirez out because of a recent 1-15 slump. Yeah, the $70 million must be getting to him.

-Talk about ruining the feeling of a great Braves win over the Mets, some fan died last night after falling 150 feet from the upper deck. Apparently the 25 year old Cumming man was drunk. Shocker. On to brighter things, the Braves go for the 4 game sweep today as Tim Hudson squares off against Johan Santana. In what should be a great pitching duel, look for Willie Randolph to be stoic and claim racism whenever his team loses. I'm still trying to confirm if Randolph and Ty Willingham are long lost brothers.

-Eric Gagne was sent back to Milwaukee to exam his all-out shithole pitching shoulder that has been ravaged for years by not doing any more steroids. One of the worst off-season signings in recent memory(Andruw Jones begs to differ) the Brewers are getting exactly what everyone knew they were getting in Gagne: crap. Red Sox fans laugh in amusement.

-The New York Yankees stormed back and destroyed my beloved Orioles last night 8-0. Darrell Rasner won his 3rd game since being called up and A-Hole hit another homerun since coming off the disabled list. And oh yeah, Joba Chamberlain is getting put into the starting rotation finally to the sweaty laughter of Hank Steinbrenner.

-The Chicago White Sox won their 7th in a row thanks to Jermaine Dye's 2 HR performance. The White Sox are now in first place while the Cleveland Indians continue to struggle putting runs on the board.

-The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Red yesterday behind a brilliant 8 inning pitching performance by some Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda. Loyal reader Mike Martin continues to plot Dusty Baker's mysterious disappearance.

NBA
-The asshole Los Angeles Lakers came back from a 20 point deficit in the third quarter to beat the San Antonio Spurs 89-85. Maybe calling them a-holes is a little harsh but I got $40 riding on the Spurs in this series with my buddy Blick who is a huge Lakers fan. Kobe Bryant only scored 3 points in the first half but then absolutely raped the Spurs in the second half with 24 points. And by raped I meant he held down Manu and his flopping ways and gave him the business. Tim Duncan looked impressive in the lost with his Scottie Pippen kisses off the board but even he couldn't stop the Bryant rape in the second half.


NFL
-Jason Taylor has informed head coach Tony Sporano he won't be attending any more camps because...fuck...he has gone all Hollywood on them. Dancing with the Stars has changed his life and if Bill Parcells can't take it like a man or a woman then they just need to go ahead and trade him. Taylor needs to man the fuck up and get back to what he does best...dancing of course.


-Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is getting married this weekend to former Redskin cheerleader Christy. Why should you care? Only because Cooley might be the coolest, straight up mofo in the NFL. He has his own blog in which he is about as frank and honest as possible including talking about getting drunk with his future father-in-law by trying to out drink him and stating he might sit Redskin's owner Daniel Snyder next to one his drunk uncles because he honestly doesn't care. He also has a "man room" in which he can smoke cigars, swig whiskey, and play poker without the old lady bothering him. Plus his future wife is not on the ugly side. Hell, I'm not going to lie, after reading his blog I'm now a huge Cooley fan and I was raised to hate the Redskins. Oh yeah, his old lady pictured on the right should make a lot of people jealous of Cool Cat Cooley. HT goes to WithLeather for bringing this to my attention.

NHL
-Good lord, Jeremy Roenick and Jaromir Jagr still play in the NHL. Roenick resigned with the Sharks for 2008 in what will now be his 21st season. If you played NHL Hockey 1993 edition on Sega Genesis you remember how good Roenick was with the puck around the net. He was fucking automatic as was Steve Larmer on his Chicago Blackhawks team that edition.

The New York Post is reporting that the Rangers are in discussion with Jagr about an extension. Jagr still has game as he led the Rangers with 15 playoff points and 71 regular season point this year. There has been talk about him retiring or even playing in Russia after just finishing out his $78 million dollar contract he signed back in 2001.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-You know how I know that USC is gay?

Because their stinking band plays on American Idol...

Video HT: EDSBS

DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY

I'm sitting here in my living room mast...er...um...watching the UEFA Championship between Manchester United and Chelsea and I figured I would share a picture of my honeymoon from Europe. As you can see in the picture above which was taken in Heidelberg, Germany in a castle still intact after being bombed by the French in the late 1700's is the fact that the Germans really love their booze. Behind me is a giant wooden keg that holds up to 55,000 gallons of booze. As you can see I was wearing my Drink Like A Champion shirt because everyday in Germany they drink like it's their last. Apparently Europe has rubbed it's mayonnaise hands all over my body and soul because now I am sitting here watching a soccer match in penalty kicks and I am completely enthralled in two teams from England competing for a championship I could have cared less about less than 3 weeks ago.

Game over. Manchester United just won on penalty kicks in the driving rain in Moscow. Ronaldo can now lick some balls with his gay ass European haircut. Apparently the mullet has come back in fashion in Europe as all the cool kids are wearing it while spiking their hair up in the front like it's mohawk. Not this square American asshole!

Ahhh...I feel so much better now.

POINTLESS POST OF THE DAY

I know most of them are pointless but I just felt the need to post this old sketch from Mr. Show. It's probably not safe for work but we could care less because little on this website is safe for work. And if your boss has a problem with SportsCrack well you can tell him to suck a fart out of my ass. But say it politely after you take two weeks paid vacation...

HUNTER PENCE'S GIRLFRIEND

Major kudos goes out to PinkMeatCompany.com
for unveiling these pictures of Terri B who just happens to be the girlfriend of Houston Astros center fielder Hunter Pence. See these are the perks of being a major league baseball player. It's not so much the money or the fame or the cars or the houses. It's the spectacular poon you can pull even if you are not the greatest looking thing in the world. Terri is apparently a part-time model/bartender/none of us give a shit just show us more pictures. Okay, here you go...

I'm sure Hunter uses her bikinis to floss his teeth.

Bless her, she is too poor to even buy clothes. Hunter has surely helped her affliction.

PinkMeatCompany is now my new favorite name for a website. Simply brilliant!

Thanks to TheBigLead for the referral.

JIM LEYLAND DOESN'T GIVE A F@#*

I love it when players and coaches tell it like it is. Jim Leyland, manager of the last place Detroit Tigers even though they were suppose to contend in many people's minds as the best team in the Majors this season with the Red Sox, goes off on the report that former Tigers player Jason Grilli says the Detroit team lost something once Sean Casey was gone.

The only thing that makes me Leyland mad is when somebody takes my last beer out of MY fridge and then doesn't confess to it. Sure, I might strangle you if you confess but it's better than when I blackout and wake up in a pool full of somebody else's blood.

Video HT: Deadspin via TheWorldOfIsaac

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Mike Piazza retires. America's favorite, or shall I say New Yorkers favorite poster boy for all things allegedly gay, ballplayer is now officially retired after sitting on his ass for the past 6 weeks of the 2008 season. A sure-fire first ballot Hall-of-Famer, Piazza finished his career with 427 dingers in which 397 of them were from the catcher position(MLB record). And by catcher I mean bent over with a ball gag in his mouth. And by dingers I mean dongs. I'm sorry, but he was a Met and he is going to go down in history as the guy who Rocket had one of his steroid induced rages at during some bullshit World Series that nobody outside of New York and New Jersey watched.

-Speaking of the Mets, how about that ass kicking doubleheader sweep they suffered from the Atlanta Braves yesterday? A thing of beauty in my book, the Braves used two good starting pitching performances by veteran Tom Glavine and new comer Jorge Campillo to quiet the Met's bats. Chipper aka Larry Jones continues to use the Mets as his personal beat off sock by collecting 3 more hits and raising his average to .408 which is slightly under the rate of strange vagina he hits on during road trips.

-The O's crushed and knocked out former Oriole Mike Mussina and his Yankees comrades by scoring a 7 spot in the first inning thanks to Gold Glover Derek Jeter...oh shit, how in the hell has he won a Gold Glove again? Well, anyways he committed a costly throwing error to keep the inning going with two outs in the first and for doing so got hit in his glove hand by a 96 MPH fastball from Daniel Cabrera in his second at-bat. This of course pissed off the Yankees because they love Jeter's mangina so much they throw at the forgettable Luke Scott's head thus causing the benches and bullpens to clear. No punches thrown, one player ejected, countless Yankees fans left with their gashes torn and broken. Youngster Adam Jones(not the Pacman guy) collected 4 hits and 4 RBI's while George Sherrill still leads the Major Leagues in saves. Yeah, that Erik Bedard trade is looking pretty sweet right now.

-What in the hell has Dan Uggla been eating? I know Cuban sandwiches are good but I didn't realize they could make you stroke the ball so well.Uggs hit his 11th homer of the month in helping the Marlins defeat another division leading team in first place Arizona Diamondbacks 3-2. Uggla now has 14 roundtrippers and the Marlins have now been in first place since the season started. The crowd of just over 10,000 in south Florida doesn't seem to care too much. Pathetic.

-Jonathan Mayo of MLB.com has his draft projections up. I have my fingers crossed Tim Beckham or Pedro Alvarez slip through the cracks to the Orioles at the #4 spot.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons on their home court, I know, shocker there, to take the 1st game of the Eastern Conference Finals. I of course watched about 10 minutes of the game because Eastern Basketball bores the shit out of me. The real fun starts tonight as the Spurs travel to LA to take on the Lakers.

-Somehow, someway, the Bulls won the NBA lottery last night thus getting the chance to draft either Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. Let me be one of the countless of others to say it: The Draft Lottery System is fucking stupid. The Bulls had a 1.7% chance of winning it and yet they did. Can you say rigged? The worst team should get the first pick and not the 9th worst team as the Bulls were this past season. Who would you take with the first pick? Beasley looks like another Elton Brand but Derrick Rose looks like he could be another Chris Paul. I would take Beasley because the Bulls already have a point in Kirk Hinrich but it would be damn hard to pass on a Rose.

NFL
-The NFL owners opted out of the labor deal for 2010 and one of the main reasons was because of doggy killer Michael Vick. See, the Falcons only recouped 3 million back on a 20 million dollar bonus they gave to Vick when he signed his contract despite now being in jail. I say fuck the owners and guys like Arthur Blank. You were stupid enough to give him all that money and then you learn your lesson by giving Matt Ryan the biggest bonus ever. Fuck the rich owners. The players when they walk away, if they can, will never be the same. The owners just get fatter and screw more dead hookers than the USC football team. I'm on the player's side on this one.

-The St. Louis Rams might be moving back to LA. I know it's kind of old news but why would they want to move out of St. Louis? They won a Super Bowl there and the fan support is pretty decent from what I can tell. LA could care less about an NFL team plus they already have one in South Central.

NHL
-Jesus Christ! The Stanley Cup Finals don't start till Saturday! I guess we can spend a week talking about a matchup that the NHL loves. I'm pulling for the Penguins and Marian Hossa.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Just get here already. Please. And give me a playoff. Now.

A WONDERFUL NEW DRUG

MATT RYAN SIGNS HUGE DEAL WITH FALCONS

Well, it's now official. Matt Ryan is one of the highest paid NFL Quarterbacks in the game now after agreeing to a six year, $72 million contract that includes $34.75 million in guarantees. And by guarantees, I mean shit like this happening at the Georgia Dome for the next 5 years till he is released...

A lot of quarterbacks throw 19 interceptions their senior season and then get rewarded with a huge signing bonus by a team which has no clue how to compete in the NFL. Actually, no, Matt Ryan is the only one. Good luck dealing with the pressure and make sure you keep your food down...

Yeah, what a winner in the Cade McNown way.

RUNNING OF THE TOILETS AT PREAKNESS

The last time I attended Preakness was in 2001 and I can honestly say I don't remember this ritual of running on top of the shitters. More than likely I was way too drunk to remember a lot of shit happening in the infield but I can remember seeing a guy break his nose by receiving a punch from a topless lady. It was one of the most remarkable things I have ever witnessed. Jon Lester couldn't hold a candle to this broad who with one punch and two big boobs made a lasting impression that will surely go on my gravestone.

Preakness isn't just a horse race people. It's a rite of passage. And some people, like the idiot above who surely broke his neck in the fall must die so we can live another day and give us mere mortals more water cooler talk. He did not die in vain or stupidity because he will now live in eternity with this video. God bless all the drunk idiots.

CALIFORNIA GAY MARRIAGE PSA

Yes, Thank You Cali-for-nia. Now I know Ellen can live happily ever after without losing constant hours of sleep. And it's great to know gays will now have to take off their rings for the fuckfest.

CANCER BOY THROWS NO-HITTER

Okay, maybe calling Jon Lester a cancer boy is a little harsh considering he is fully recovered from lymphoma. But what he did last night against the Kansas City Royals, who at last time I checked are an average team unlike the shitty Tigers, was remarkable even if he pitches for that Masshole team up there in Chowderland. Lester, fully recovered after chemotherapy cured him less than two years ago, pitched the majors first no-hitter of the season last night while striking out Alberto Callaspo to end the game for the second consecutive Red Sux no-hitter(Clay Buchholz pitched one late last season against some team, I don't know I can't really remember). Amazingly this is only the second time ever the Royals have been held hitless, with Nolan Ryan doing the honors all the way back in 1973.

But the real story is about Lester and how he can inspire all those little bandwagon Red Sox fans out there to go get cancer by smoking two packs a day and then kick it in the ass by throwing 96 MPH fastballs past major league hitters. Shit, if Lester can do it why can't Ricky, Bobby, Mikey, Joey, and Willy from Rhode Island go out there and do the same thing. Lester had this to say about coming back...

"It was a long road back," Lester said. "It was tough mentally and tough physically to go out and pitch every five days. It was a long road. I'm just glad that I'm here at this moment right now, and in five days I'll go and pitch again."

I know it's the Red Sox and all but I love stories like this. So many of us have been affected by cancer it is nearly impossible not to root for a guy like Lester. I tip my hat to him and say congratulations. Now go blow out that arm of yours to make the Red Sox regret not trading you for Johan Santana.

By the way, how about Jason Varitek catching his 4th no-hitter? I'm sure Mariner fans still love the fact they traded Tek for Heathcliff Slocumb.

Here is the final out along with a great F bomb thrown in there by one of his teammates. Yes, no-hitters are unfucking believable....
Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

CHARLES BARKLEY THE GAMBLER

I don't consider it a gambling problem till you start blowing random Asians in bathroom stalls. And no, I haven't seen or done anything like that...this year.

Good morning everybody. I hope all of you took my advice yesterday and took the Spurs with the 4 plus points as a road dog. The Spurs now move on to face the Lakers and Kobe which should become another 7 game series which should keep execs at TNT happy. Sticking to my guns I'm taking the Spurs over the Lakers even though I'm concerned by Timmy Duncan's play. Duncan looked like garbage last night and yet they still won by a comfortable margin against a really good Hornets squad. It just shows you how good the Spurs really are.

The Eastern Conference Finals, or rights to lose in the NBA Finals, matches the Celtics and Pistons. You know most of the free world wants the Lakers vs. Celtics in the Finals because they are the two most storied franchises in the game but I think it will be the Spurs vs. Pistons in what should be a boring ass Finals.