ATLANTA TRIES TO KEEP TITLE OF WORST SPORTS TOWN

The Atlanta Hawks decided to give coach Mike Woodson a two year extension despite never having a winning season and having an overall record of 106 wins and 222 losses during his four seasons at the Highlight Factory.
Um, what the fuck are they thinking? Woodson is one of the worst basketball coaches I have ever witnessed. He can't even draw up plays for a half court offense. The guy was begging to get fired all season with his team underachieving. And yet somehow making the playoffs at 8 games under .500 is a reason to give him an extension? Idiots I tell you.

Throw in the other curious decisions of the local teams such as the Thrashers deciding to keep GM Don Waddell despite the club never having the experience of winning a playoff game in almost a decade of existence, the Falcons decision to draft Matt Ryan and then give him $72 million despite never playing a down in the NFL after the Michael Vick fiasco, and the Braves going down the shitter with more aging stars going on the disabled list. Yet people wonder why Atlanta gets a rap as such a horrible sports town? They beg the fans not to show up with their idiotic moves.

The professional teams overall track record is the reason why Atlanta is such a huge Georgia Bulldogs and overall college football city. They give you reason to root for them because they tend to be winners and are enjoying to watch. The rest of Atlanta sports is not for the most part. And yes, I know the Bulldogs play in Athens but they pretty much own the city of Atlanta with all the grads living here.

So what could be done to remedy all of this ineptitude? New ownership. The Hawks and Thrashers are owned by the Atlanta Spirit Group and they simply don't know how to run an organization. Their decisions on GMs is horrible with both organizations failing to bring in top notch minds in their respective sports. Waddell and recently fired GM Billy Knight are just examples. Same with the Atlanta Falcons. Rich McKay was a horrible GM and his replacement is some college scout who already has displayed an ability to know...well...nothing. And don't even get me started with the Braves GM Frank Wren. Recently retired John Schuerholz was a genius at trades but his protege Wren was a failure in Baltimore and his decision not to add a starting pitcher halfway through the season last year cost the Braves a legitimate chance of making the playoffs. But of course bringing back Tom Glavine was pure brilliance to a staff that already had Mike Hampton who just finished filming his scenes for "Unbreakable 2" and the great but due to go down with an injury John Smoltz.

At least college football season is only 2 1/2 months away. Georgia should be the preseason #1 team in the country or near the top and Georgia Tech fired Chan Gailey and replaced him with Navy's Paul Johnson who should have Tech playing for New Year's Day bowl games before you know it.

SOCCER LOOKS EASY WITH BOOBS

Video HT: WithLeather via The Spoiler

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Washington Nationals are such a miserable fucking team that even when they have dramatic homeruns by players such as Lastings Milledge to win games they manage to get in fights with each other. This time it was between Elijah Dukes (huge shock right?) and manager Manny Acta after the homerun. Mr. Irrelevant has the video...

Damn, Dukes just burned Acta with the "fuck off I'm not going to high five your ass" gesture at the end of the game. With the recent scuffles between the Rays players, the Red Sox players, and now the Nationals it clearly shows people in the East are going crazy with this scolding hell of a summer.

-Alfonso Soriano is now out 6 weeks after getting plunk in the hand and breaking a bone in last night's win over the Atlanta Braves. With the injury expect Mark De Rosa to be moved back out to left field and Ronny Cedeno to play more second base. The Cubs are still in first place but you have to wonder if this will be the catalyst for another collapse of epic proportions for the Cubbie faithful. Oh wait, we still have like 90 plus fucking games left, never mind about an epic collapse.
Rick Sutcliffe has a new favorite color, it's called Erin Andrews panties...

Sutcliffe is a funny mofo and I hope he gets real healthy real fast. I met him at a bar in Spring Training down in Scottsdale, AZ a few years back for Fat Tuesday and the guy was hysterical and of course drunk as hell. He was with Bob Brenly and my dad and I started up a conversation with them and they were both great guys. Later on in the night Brenly had to pull Sutcliffe's tongue out of some 20 something year old blonde's mouth just to get him out of the place. God it was fucking classic. Sutcliffe is so tall it looked like a giraffe feeding his baby. Get better Suts, baseball needs more characters like you.

-Dan Uggla was having an Ugg game with 3 strikeouts against Phillies starter Cole Hamels(13 K's) but then the Phillies got stupid and put in Tom Flash Gordon to preserve the game. Cue the dramatics...

Walk off grand slam!!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-My alma mater, Georgia State, has decided to throw their hat into the college football world and will be hiring former Georgia Tech coach Bill Curry as their first head coach today. The Panthers will begin play in 2010 under Curry and their home games will be in the Georgia Dome while playing in Division 1-AA. The state of Georgia has so much talent in football it shouldn't be hard to recruit kids who want to play in a facility like the Georgia Dome. Being an alumnus I might now have a reason not to say "fuck off" when the boosters call my cell phone asking for donations. And just a head's up Georgia State officials, if you want a good showing for football games sell beer at the Dome. Beer is liquid gold for college students.

-You wonder why I don't like Bobby Petrino so much? Well now he kicked off a Fairchild off his team. Okay, so Freddie isn't related to me because he has a year round dark tan unlike myself and because the guy beats his women apparently. Also throw in the fact he has athletic ability and decided to attend that hell hole in Fayetteville and...well shit, we aren't related at all. It's a big loss for the Razorbacks though as Fairchild was a starting linebacker who many projected to be All-SEC this year.
Call them Hogs Bobby...

Fucking pathetic aren't they!

KOBE KNOWS HIS SHIT

I'm sorry people, like most of you I'm tired of this whole NBA Finals bullshit but there is really nothing else interesting to talk about. Sure Griffey hit his 600th but it was in fucking Miami with less than 16,000 in attendance. There was no drama and we all knew Junior was going to hit it sooner than later. I'm not even sure what the point of this post is other than a ramble about nothing really. College football needs to get here fast so this blog can be filled with shits and giggles and articles that I actually enjoy writing.

My mind is so scattered with garbage right now I have actually rationalized that Kobe would be a cool guy to hang around with. I can only imagine what his leftover scraps would be like on the road. The guy probably has a rolodex filled with cheerleaders and young white girls only Bill Clinton could rival. I promise to start writing some decent stuff soon. A bottle of Tanquerey might be the answer but who really knows.

KOBE BRYANT DOES HIMSELF

Sick bastard was all over the Celtics last night...

Jack Nicholson can now do blow off his 23 year old girlfriend's ass with the comfort of knowing the NBA will fix games in favor of a 7 game series. It's ratings magic and David Stern knows he needs to milk these Finals as much as he can till the teet is dry.

FUGA AND OLE PISS SHIRTS DEBUT

We got a couple of new shirts on the store page that are marinating and ready to be cooked and eaten by you, the almighty Sportscrack Tee consumer.

Both of our new shirts have a SEC flavor to them. So in essence they will tell you how great their conference is while destroying the Big Ten in a bowl game.

First is our FUGA shirt in honor of all the people who simply don't like the Dawgs...


Second is our Ole Piss shirt which brings back memories of my college days of drinking 30 packs of Busch Light...


Love them, caress them, tailgate in them, get in fights with them, do whatever you want with them but remember the only place you can get one is by clicking on this link.

JOEY HARRINGTON FINALLY DOESN'T SUCK AT SOMETHING

Joey Harrington's career in the NFL has been one completely void of highlights ever since he got drafted by the Detroit Lions. Currently the Atlanta Falcon's backup QB, Harrington, who also happens to be the cousin of PGA Golfer Padraig Harrington, gets to spend plenty of time on the golf course smacking the ball around like defenders hit him while he wilts in the pocket.

And apparently he is really good. He hit two hole-in-ones within two weeks of each other.

Finally Joey Heisman has found his calling. Golf. It's amazing how one can become so good at a sport that involves as much mental preparation as golf does and no one identifies Joey as a well prepared QB. Now don't be surprised if Arthur Blank signs him to a long term deal upon hearing this news.

Doesn't make sense right?

Either does giving Matt Ryan $72 million.

JOHN MCCAIN TO VETO BEER

TAKES BALLS TO SKATEBOARD

And sometimes you may lose them...


Video HT: WithLeather

BULL RIDING LOOKS FUN

You are welcome. No need to thank me, just buy a Sportscrack shirt if you loved the video.

PHIL JACKSON LOVES THE NBA REFS

I agree with the Zen Master in it is "ridiculous" how some dude named Pow or Powe got as many free throws as the whole Lakers team. But you can't hide the fact that the Lakers played like shit for most of the game and should have stopped worrying about the officiating and focused on getting the ball in the hoop.

Yes, the officiating was horrible but the great teams overcome these things. Now that the series will be in LA expect plenty of home town calls for the Lakers. So no more bitching Gasol or Kobe or anybody else wearing the purple and gold. Play some fucking basketball and let's make this a series.

BIG BROWN CRAPS OUT

At 1-4 odds you would think Big Brown would at least place but no, the stupid horse finished last as millions lost money on the Big Shit. I don't get it, the horse dominated the Derby and Preakness yet couldn't muster enough to go an extra quarter of a mile and complete the Triple Crown. Luckily I didn't place any money on the horse because well, I don't really have any money. It's amazing what years of chemical dependency will do to your wallet and your social life. Anyways, the point of this post is to hate on the Belmont Stakes and Big Brown. The Belmont blows balls as a horse race because they have no infield. How can you not have an infield?

Big Brown will now go live a life as not a choke artist but as a stud whose owners will get paid millions for his offspring baby batter. Good for him. Is it sad to be jealous of a horse?

THE NBA WILL HAUNT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS

Umm, yeah, let's not do that again, okay NBA? My dogs barked, not because they saw a half black man, shit who wouldn't bark at that, but because they were so petrified to see old balls Magic Johnson and Larry Bird talking to them. Oh I get it, they are still playing basketball and this is relative to the 2008 NBA Finals.

Hmm, maybe not.

But seriously, my dogs are scared.

Pull this shit before they pee inside.

Damn...too late.

DARK KNIGHT PREVIEW

Holy boner Batman! It looks like director Chris Nolan did what only he could do and give me a solid chub just by watching a preview of the new Batman flick. The Dark Knight looks simply amazing and I am not afraid to confess my love for it especially after learning this will be on IMAX this summer....


And yes, I know this has nothing to do with sports but you don't find great previews like this every day.

MARSHAWN LYNCH INVOLVED IN HIT AND RUN

Not surprising after seeing him drive at Berkeley with those fucking hippies on his back...

In all seriousness as we are usually not here at Sportscrack, Lynch supposedly hit some lady crossing a street with his Porsche Cayenne in suburban Buffalo on Saturday and then left the scene. Most people call it a hit-and-run but Marshawn was too high or drunk at the time to care so I would just call it happy time. No need to come down on a man when he is having his fun. By the way when did women get the right to cross the road anyways without getting permission from a man? I really don't even know what this world is coming to, next thing you are going to tell me is they have the right to vote.

HT: WithLeather

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

NBA
-Paul Pierce either took a magical healing pill or was pulling a Kaiser Soze but whatever, it doesn't matter in the scheme of things as he helped the Celtics beat the Lakers in The Garden to take a 1-0 series lead. Kobe Bryant must have heard the "No means No" chants because clearly his game was off all night, finishing a 9 for 26 from the field. If the Lakers are going to win this series which I thought they would they can't afford to have off nights from Kobe.

Kevin Garnett put an exclamation point down late in the fourth quarter with this rim shaker...

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

MLB
-Chipper Jones hit his 400th career bomb and received a curtain call with the chants of "Chipper, Chipper" last night as the Braves came from behind to beat the Florida Marlins 7-5. Now batting a ridiculous .418, Chipper is making a serious case to be considered as one of the top 3B of all-time with Brooksie, Schmidty, and George Brett. The Braves will welcome in the Phillies tonight in very important 3 game series which will help decide who is the best team in the National League East.

-Manny Ramirez had 5 RBI's and a scuffle with teammate Kevin Youkilis in the dugout, but the real story was the bench clearing brawl. Started by Coco Crisp who for some reason decided to charge the mound on Tampa Bay pitcher James Shields who is obviously a bigger, stronger, and overall way better fighter than Coco. Just kidding, baseball players can't fight worth a shit, it's not in their DNA to land punches. Crisp got his ass kicked in the dog pile and will face at least a 4 game suspension along with Johnny Gomes from the Rays but hey, at least the Red Sox won right? Here is the fight in case you wanted to see punches not being landed...

Video HT: Barstool Sports
I'm still trying to figure out why Manny and Youk got in a fight in the dugout. Manny must have stolen some of Youk's diggity dank but I have yet to get a solid confirmation or source.

-Cole Hamels shut out the Reds on a 3 hitter as the Phillies won for the 9th time in 11 games. Jay Bruce was held without a hit for the second consecutive game and Ken Griffey Jr. still remains at 599 career homeruns as the Reds continue to not win, a running theme for them the past decade or so.

NHL
-The ratings for the Stanley Cup Finals were up to pre-lockout numbers as the NHL can finally rejoice because Americans show they actually do care about hockey. I'm not going to beat around the bush, the NHL is my favorite sport besides college football to watch in person. But watching it on television is difficult at times because the puck moves so fast and the NHL gets no pub from ESPN because they dropped them after the lockout. Hopefully for the sake of the game this gets the ball moving in the right direction and ESPN picks the NHL back up. I don't want to watch the fucking Spelling Bee or hear about the WNBA or care about Arena League Football. Give me some damn hockey ESPN!

NFL
-D-Mac got paid big time with a 6 year, $60 million dollar contract from the Oakland Raiders. With the money he will now be able to feed all of his kids whom he thinks might be his kids when in fact he should just severe ties with the whole state of Arkansas. Don't let Arkansas bring you down D-Mac like they did for Bill Clinton.

-Some convicted steroid dealer named David Jacobs who gave up the names to a ton of NFL players to the NFL commissioner's office was found dead from gunshots yesterday in his Plano, Texas home. The moral of the story is never snitch or you will probably die kids. Now go have fun on those monkey bars in prison.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Do you smell what the Irish are cooking? Notre Dame picked up two big commitments in LB Dan Fox and OG Alex Bullard. More on this later as I wipe my mouth after going down on Charlie Weis for some how getting top notch recruits coming off a 3-9 season.

TAMPA BAY SELECTS TIM BECKHAM WITH #1 PICK

And yes, as Tim Beckham's facebook picture above clearly or kind of unclearly shows, the kid is going to get paid big-time. A five-tool shortstop out of Griffin HS in Georgia, Beckham has been compared to the Upton brothers but with the ability to stay at shortstop for the long term. My hope was the Rays would take Florida State catcher Buster Posey with the #1 pick but Posey's camp supposedly demanded a $12 million dollar signing bonus which is absolutely crazy. Of course the Rays were turned off especially when a high baseball draft pick has as much if not better chance of being a complete bust. The reason I wanted the Rays not to take Beckham was because I had my fingers crossed he would last till the Orioles picked 4th because the O's need middle infield prospects in their system badly.

All this is moot and the Rays just picked up another excellent player in Beckham in what should be an extremely bright future for the organization with all the young talent currently playing on the big league level and tons waiting in the wings in the minors including last year's #1 pick in David Price. By the way Price has yet to give up a run so far in 3 starts in the minors.

CONGRATS TO THE DETROIT RED WINGS

The Red Wings closed out the Penguins last night despite a frantic final two minutes in which Pittsburgh gave the better team all it had. Clearly this year the Red Wings were the best team in the NHL so congratulations go out to their organization for winning their 11th Stanley Cup. Don't feel bad for the Penguins. They are really young and talented and more than likely could be hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup next year if they resign Marian Hossa. When you have players like Crosby, Malkin, Staal, and Fleury just to name a few you will get so sympathy from this Thrashers fan.

So what would you do with the Cup say if you had it for a day like Conn Smythe MVP Henrik Zetterberg? Personally I would drink some kind of booze out of it then probably dress it up in some sexy lingerie and make love to it then videotape it and sell it to the world and make millions of dollars. Sounds a lot like Jessica Simpson's dad right?

Here is the presentation folks of the greatest team trophy in all of sports...


And thank you goes out to the NHL and NBC for letting us bloggers put highlights of the final two minutes on the web without fear of them yanking because of some bullshit copyright issue. MLB and NFL won't let you even sniff their panties without yelling rape.

NEW VOLUNQUEERS SHIRT

Does this shirt really need any explanation? If you have ever run into an orange, checker wearing toolbag who happens to be cross eyed then you know what it's like to play behind center during Saturdays in the fall in Knoxville. Show your distaste for this SEC rival by purchasing this one of a kind Sportscrack shirt by clicking here.

This is the third new shirt we have introduced this week with two more new editions coming up. Be sure to check back on our store page for great shirts at great prices.

MY INTERNET SERVICE HAS BEEN CRASHING

My Bellsouth Internet service has been taking a 6 hour break, otherwise known as a stoner's break. Fortunately nobody has died yet but if they don't fix it soon it could get ugly, I'm talking Matamoros bike crash ugly.

Right now I'm just feeling a little ticked off but I'm about to go Boondock Saints style on this service...

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS FANS ARE SUPER GAY

You know how I know you're gay, you wear a Superman outfit or a McLovin shirt with some John Stockton shorts to Busch Stadium...



Video HT: Deadspin

NEW TARHOLES SHIRT

Sticking with our plan to release a new shirt per day this week we are proud to introduce the TARHOLES shirt. This shirt is perfect for any gameday, tailgate, party, bar, fraternity or sorority, family gathering, gag gift...hell, the possibilities are endless. You will get an endless amount of laughs wearing this shirt as you show Chapel Hill and the UNC crew what you think about their precious Carolina blue.

Chances are you will get laid with it on too. The force is strong with this shirt and it is bound to create conversations that will eventually lead to you getting a promotion on the way to ruling the world while getting chuckles from friends and strangers.

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to the Notre Dame-UNC Tarholes football game in Chapel Hill this upcoming fall and I can guarantee you I will be wearing it while tailgating and visiting their bookstore.

You can purchase the shirt by clicking on this link. The shirt is $17 but the response it will receive upon viewing is priceless. Go ahead and show your true colors with this Tarholes shirt straight from Sportscrack.com.

SHAWNE MERRIMAN IS STEROID FREE ON WWE

Clearly one of the best linebackers in the NFL is not on steroids because he is making an appearance on the WWE and none of those guys juice. Fast forward to the 3:40 mark to see the San Diego Chargers linebacker cane one of the wrestlers...

Now that is clearly some good family entertainment.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

NHL
-Don't ask me why but somehow the Pittsburgh Penguins got their asses dominated last night yet still won in triple overtime against the Detroit Red Wings to force a game 6 and send the crowd into a raging riot. Okay the riot never happened and the reason why the Penguins won was because goaltender Marc Andre Fleury had solid velcro in his glove last night. 55 saves the young goaltender turned in last night while Detroit punished and battered the Penguins all night yet still lost the game. The Detroit fans were chanting "We want the Cup!" but Fleury and Petr Sykora whom scored the winning goal decided they would have to settle for the 2 Girls 1 Cup version later on...


MLB
-Chase Utley hit his 21st homerun as the Phillies held off the Reds 5-4 despite Jay Bruce Almighty connecting for his 3rd homerun. Utley now has a homer in 5 straight games and is looking like the early favorite to extend the Phillies streak of MVP awards to 3.

-John Smoltz returned from the DL to blow a save in the ninth against the Marlins but SS Yunel Escobar saved Smoltzie's ass by hitting a walk-off 2 run shot in the botton of the tenth. The Braves so far this season are Superman at home despite playing like little bitches on the road. That was a direct quote from Tim Hudson by the way.

-Carlos crazy fucker Zambrano won his 8th game of the season despite giving up 3 runs in the first because he let his bat do the talking. The crazy asshole had a triple along with 2 other hits and Jim Edmonds collected a couple of doubles and RBI's. I guess old man Edmonds still has it in him.

-David Ortiz was put on the DL with a partially torn sheath in his left wrist. I have no idea what a sheath is but it is probably connected to his Oger vaginal wall which doesn't allow him to fellate and probe Manny Ramirez as he wishes. I'm conflicted by this injury because I really like Big Papi but I hate all things Red Sox but I also have money on the Sox winning the World Series this year. Not to going to lie, money wins out on this one. I hope he comes back healthy.

NBA
-The Finals start in 2 days between 2 teams I have never heard of so we got that going. Oh, the Pistons fired Flip Saunders because of his horrible regular season record of 176-70 with the Pistons and his inability to spoon feed that dipshit with the white circle on top of his head. If you ask me they should have got rid of Rasheed Wallace and not Saunders. Wallace needs a pacifier to quit his crying and his great timing of technicals which screw the Pistons at the most opportune time.

NFL

-The Denver Broncos released super potent sperm producer Travis Henry so he could embark on his life long dream of sperminating women across the entire 50 states during his playing career. The Broncos questioned his commitment to them while impregnating random women across the nation.

-Terrell Owens signed a contract with the Dallas Cowboys that makes him one of the richest wideouts in the league. The new contract should allow Owen's to pursue his dreams of sit ups in his driveway while fashioning a new set of skin tight body suits to be used during contract negotiations called "Le Baby Owens."

-In the redundancy department Odell Thurman got caught again in violation of the league's substance abuse program and will more than likely never play in the NFL again until the Cowboys or Raiders sign him. He faces an "indefinite suspension" which translates to at least a quarter of the season in NFL terms.

RED SOX AND YANKEES FANS ARE CLASSY AND NOT ANNOYING AT ALL

If you ever seem to wonder why I have a general dislike, or shall I say hate for pretty much every single human being who supports the Red Sox and the Yankees, well then watch these videos.

Anybody this chipper and annoying should just be killed or persecuted like the Tibetans...Wo Led Rox!...

Hmm, how about converting her to death by throwing her off the damn wall. I've heard she is the reigning Miss Red Sox winner because she can actually see her belly button and has a full, lice infested set of hair on top of her annoying head. This is very rare to find in Red Sox Nation.

It seems that even the cops in New York just love to break up any possible drunken doucheness debauchery going on at Yankee Stadium by of course ripping off a visiting team's fan hat and throwing it into the crowd. Although it was a Red Sox fan so I can't half blame the officer...

The fan was later torn to pieces and buried under the new Yankee Stadium as a barbaric art of sacrifice for the Johnny Damon curse.

And of course the Red Sox fans had to let Baltimore know this weekend how much they love Manny being Manny after hitting his 500th homerun by doing drunk flips off the dugout at Camden Yards. God, I really hate these Massholes. Win a couple of World Series in 88 years and all of a sudden you think you are God's gift to baseball...


I could seriously kill them all. Literally and not figuratively in case you were wondering.

Videos via Busted Coverage and Deadspin

THE NEW JAY "BRUCE ALMIGHTY" SHIRT AVAILABLE NOW

When you hit a walk-off homerun and manage to hit above .500 in your first week in the Show while helping the Cincinnati Reds win 5 of 6 then you deserve some recognition. Jay Bruce is the Almighty and so we have decided to make a shirt to honor the young rookie out of Texas who is living up to his incredible hype of being the top rated prospect in the minors.

If you are a Reds or Bruce fan this is the perfect t-shirt to you!

The shirt is available now for $17 at BRUCE ALMIGHTY SHIRT and as always a portion of all our shirts sales goes to the American Cancer Society.

And oh yeah, you know you have made it big when Ryan Parker has made a song for you already...

THE MACHINE

Manu Ginobli, otherwise known as the bald Pinocchio puppet cost the Spurs the series and The Machine knows it.

THIS SHOULD BE DONE DAILY TO RED SOX FANS

Fucking loudmouth chowderheads go down quickly when drunk. Hopefully this becomes a time honored tradition where some douchebag Red Sox wannabe fan get leveled by security as soon as they say "Wicked" or "Pissah" or whatever retard language they use while pawking their caw.

Video HT: WithLeather via Big League Stew

WHO ARE YOU IN SEX AND THE CITY

I know, like all the men out there who decided to stop using their penis a long time ago I am soooo super excited about Sex and the City coming out. Seriously, if you go to this movie and have a functional penis please just kill yourself because I already hate you.

And yes, I would soooo be Samantha because I love to have angry sex with men half my age.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Larry Jones Jr. is now hitting .420 but says it's a shame he has to hit so high in order to get All-Star recognition...

"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones said. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."

Dude, stop being such a fucking meathead and appreciate the recognition you are receiving this year. Sure you are one of the most underrated players in the past 20 years but some of that has to do with your ability to stay injured for periods of time. Listen Chipper, I want to really like you but when you say shit like this it makes you look like a spoiled athlete who doesn't appreciate the greater things in life. Like knocking up random Hooters waitresses.

-Albert Pujols wants his recognition too! Only he lets his bat do the talking while playing through injuries as he proved yesterday with his 13th HR in leading the surprising Cardinals to a 3-2 win over the Astros. King Albert is top 10 in almost every single important offensive category except illegitimate kids. Chipper clearly is leading.

-Rays closer Troy Percival was put on the DL for a sore hamstring (translation: pussy) and will surely cost Fantasy geeks points while he lets his swollen vagina heal. Dan Wheeler appears to be a candidate to replace him as closer along with 3 other guys I have never heard of or want to speak of. The Rays are still in first place by the way with an average attendance less than 15,000 watching this home games in the Tropicana. I guess the Florida trailer trash have not caught Ray's fever yet.

NBA
-So you have the game in hand, all you have to do is run off the clock by holding on to the ball but the spread is 7.5 points and you are only winning by 5. What do you do? Apparently if you are Lakers forward Sasha Vujacic you shoot the god damn ball unless you want to be missing one of your fingers as Awful Announcing points out...


How dare Doug Collins question Vujacic for shooting the ball! Being a degenerate gambler on a regular basis I feel for Vujacic. And yes, I would give him a handshake full of Benjamins right now if I could. Vegas baby, Vegas!

NFL
-Okay Bears fans, you can stop holding your breath now. Brian Urlacher plans to attend the Bears minicamp today. There was thought he might hold out of mandatory football activities with the team because he wanted to renegotiate his contract but then he realized he already signed one in 2003 for $57 million for nine years. Funny how those things just work themselves out.

NHL
-Vancouver Canucks rookie defenseman Luc Bourdon died yesterday after he crashed his motorcycle into a tractor trailer near his hometown in Shippagan, New Brunswick. Sportscrack sends our deepest sympathy and prayers out to the Bourdon family and the Canucks organization. 21 years old is way too young to die.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-SEC coaches voted 9-3 to approve an early signing period for recruits. Of course Urban Meyer doesn't approve because he loves to poach other team's recruits. I like the idea of an early signing period and hope the NCAA will approve it. Too many times kids and their parents are getting paid or given gifts to switch commitments. This way they can just get their money and gifts before Christmas. Remember, it's all about the kids.

2008 WING N' ROCK FEST

If you love beer, wings, rock n rock then I have the perfect festival for you this weekend in Marietta, GA. It's called the River Wing N' Rock Fest sponsored by Gas South and it's at the Marietta Square and it's completely FREE. Expect plenty of babes, brews, sun, killer music, great chicken wings from the finest Atlanta restaurants and of course the finest Sportscrack and Drink Like A Champion Today shirts at the huge Festival.

Yes, we will be representing ourselves at this wonderful festival.

Feel free to get drunk and fat with us this Saturday, May 31st or spread the word as we kick off the summer with a bang at the 3rd Annual Wing N' Rock Festival at Marietta Square.

And just to make this completely clear it is a FREE event and there will be plenty of cold beer with great wings. If you don't come you might as well hand your panties to your significant other because there really is no reason for you to walk this planet.

THE JOSH HAMILTON STORY

SI writer Albert Chen has an excellent article detailing the struggles Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has gone through in his past with drugs and alcohol to reach the Triple Crown threat he is presently in the major leagues. I've said it before but after you learn the whole story behind Hamilton and his constant battle to stay sober and clean it is nearly impossible not to root for the kid. He can rake with the best of them and it's great to see someone else in the Majors beat crack other than Otis Nixon. Sorry, I had to get that little jab in there on my man Otis. Read the story if you get the chance and if the Texas Rangers ever visit a park near you make sure you buy a ticket just to watch Hamilton take batting practice and interact with the fans. Everyone should have a soft spot for a guy trying to redeem himself.

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-Erik Bedard showed his ace stuff last night shutting out the Red Sox for seven innings before Brandon Morrow(future stud closer) came into the 8th and blew 100 mph fastballs past Dustin Pedroia. I actually caught the last few innings and was blown away, literally, how nasty Morrow is out of their pen. He should be their closer over J. J. Putz. His curveball is filthy and his fastball is electric. Who knew a 1-0 game could be this exciting?

-The Braves lost outfielder Matt Diaz to a partial tear to a knee ligament which will leave him sidelined for at least 4 weeks. The Braves activated Rafael Soriano, presumably the closer now, to fill in Diaz spot on the roster. The Brewers beat the Braves 1-0 in what seemed like an extremely boring game opposite of the Red Sox-Mariners game.

-Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports has some interesting trade scenarios for impending free agent pitcher C. C. Sabathia. He thinks the Indians need a slugger in their lineup because they can't score worth a shit this year and recommends either Adam Dunn, Mark Teixeira, Pat Burrell, or Bobby Abreu as possible trade bait for Sabathia because all of them are free agents too. The Braves wouldn't trade Teixeira for Sabathia because he provides Chipper with great protection and it isn't a coincidence that he has been having the best stretch of his career since they put him in front of Tex. I could see the Burrell trade working but the Phillies would have to add some sweetener (prospect) to the deal because Burrell straight up isn't worth a Sabathia. The Indians wouldn't trade with the Yankees for obvious reasons and I'm not sure the Reds have the balls to trade Adam Dunn yet.

NBA
-The Celtics beat the Pistons to go up in the series 3-2. Ray Allen finally woke up from his slump and scored 29 points to help protect Boston's homecourt. The series switches to Detroit tomorrow night. Expect at least 8 deaths in Motown before tipoff.


NHL
-There you go Penguins! Sidney Crosby scored two goals and Marian Hossa put away his tampon and added two assists as the Penguins beat the Red Wings 3-2 in Game 3. Now that the Penguins got some pucks past Chris Osgood it should give them a boost of confidence and perhaps make this Finals interesting. We will see.

THE NEW COACH FOR THE CHICAGO BULLS IS...

Doug Collins. Seriously? Bulls GM John Paxson and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf both think he can help teach the young guys how to play smart basketball and get them back to the playoffs winning championships. I think he took the job because they won the #1 pick and got tired of telling us on TNT about "Me and Michael" Jordan and how they could have done this and that.

A FORMER NOTRE DAME PLAYER HATES HIS LIFE AND OTHERS

Dan Quinn, a former linebacker/crazy person at Notre Dame during the Lou Holtz era apparently has an ax to grind. He let us know that not only did Holtz and others eff him over on his potentially great career as a pile jumper but that he has a great invention called soap water that make you delusional and psychotic all at the same time.

Actually, I had tried some of the soap water last year. It had a label on it: "ND Football 2007." I wouldn't recommend trying it again.

Dan apparently took way too many hits to the head and I'm not sure what he means by going face to face with Frank Stams in the shower. Sounds a little homo erotic there Danny! To fill you in Quinn got suspended from Notre Dame during his days of riding the pine when he was accused of sexual assault and tested positive for steroids. He later went on to sue the University and you can find a ton of his quotes in the book Tarnished Dome which incorrectly details Notre Dame football during the late 80's.

In essence he epitomizes winner in every sarcastic sense of the definition.

Shine on you crazy diamond Dan...

Video HT: FanIQ

MARIAH CAREY THROWS LIKE A DIVA

No one in the States would let the singer throw out the first pitch in their ballpark unless she performed The National Anthem. Thus we get the great first pitch she delivers in Japan. She has an arm that rivals Juan Pierre.

Video HT: FanIQ

USELESS INFORMATION

Forgetting Sarah Marshall's Kristen Bell needs her some Chris Osgood.


-Some guy named Rick Sund is the new GM for the Atlanta Hawks. Exciting news here in Atlanta as this is sure to boost ticket sales through the roof. I'm sure Hawks fans will jump for joy once they hear about the former Seattle Sonics GM whom was fired for a shitty job performance which included leading the Sonics to the dungeon of the NBA is now their new GM. See, sex dungeons are cool and hip. The NBA cellar dungeon not so much. The Hawks will never learn.

-Pete Rose said on the Dan Patrick show that he bet 2 grand a game on the Reds when he was a manager.

"It was like $2,000. That's it," Rose said in the interview. "And it didn't change -- because I know you're going to say, Well betting's all about pitching and stuff like that -- I didn't care who was pitching for me or who was pitching for the opposition. I just made it easy for the guys making the bets and just bet this much every game and that's the way we did it."

Will Rose just go away already. He has been banned from the game since 1989 and nothing he confesses now will change. Face it Pete, you are an asshole who will never get in the Hall of Fame. Say it to yourself ten straight times, or better yet write it down so it registers and start doing new things outside of trying to persuade people you are not an asshole.

-Trev Alberts thinks Notre Dame football is going to return to...oh fuck...don't say it...okay...glory(sigh) this season because Charlie Weis isn't an idiot and the Fighting Irish finally have some talent with experience.

Um, how about I go out on a limb and say Notre Dame wins a minimum of 9 games this season. Can I get Sprint to videotape me while sitting on my roof overlooking Atlanta? And yes, ND will win 9 games and be back in a significant bowl so everyone else in the country can be pissed because ND sells out and their favorite college team doesn't.

-Young starlet Kristen Bell wants to lick Detroit Red Wings goaltender Chris Osgood from head to toe while sipping Fruity Pebbles from his baby arm. Good for her. Actually, great for Chris Osgood! It's just a matter of time before Osgood dumps his wife faster than Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow once he found out she had cancer. To each it's own.

-Tennis player Ashley Hawkmyload is going to pose for Playboy. No reason for us to buy a Playboy since the internet gives us free access to these things but I'm sure some lonely tennis fan is stringing his racquet while fiddling with his mustache while crying to himself "Now I can know what lies underneath it all Ashley!" Yep, tennis fans are sick and demented only because Bud Collins scares the shit out of me. Fucking clown pants and his sweaty bald head!


Ashley Hawkmyload licks her lips in agreement.

LITTLE LEAGUE FIGHT

Ahhh, the good old days when you could punch somebody for taking your juice box and not worry about going to jail for it. I actually chuckled when I saw this clip because I was involved with a similar incident when I was about 12 years old playing little league baseball. We were slapping hands with the other team after the game and then next thing you know some little asshat on the other team shoves some panties into my teammate buddy's face. Well, needless to say it set me off pretty good and I pummeled the kid after I tackled him to the ground. Of course I got suspended for a couple of games but I will never forget the expression on the kid's face when I beat the shit out of him. Priceless. Damn, I really miss Little League. And to come to think of it I never fully understood why the kid shoved some panties into someone else's face. It must have been a gay ritual or something absolutely bizarre in which my childish mind could never comprehend in my Nintendo playing years.

True story by the way. Somewhere some idiot parent is watching this and reasoning with themselves to bring a gun to a Little League game just in case something like this happens to their child. The name of the parent is Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue by the way.

Video HT: Deadspin

BOOTYFUL GAME

See, soccer is such a beautiful game until you look at it up close and see it will never be taken seriously here in the States till they get rid of bad teeth and offsides. And seriously, who the fuck eats at Burger King anymore? I don't think I've even touched something from Butt King in at least 5 years.

HT: Hot Clicks

STOP IT JANICE, THIS HURTS!

SCARED FAT KID + INSANE LAUGHTER= COMEDIC GOLD

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-"Jay Bruce is a god." "Finally, a savior for the Reds." "He is the greatest player to play in the last 50 years."
These were all heard last night in Cincy as Bruce Almighty had a perfect major league debut going 3-3 with 2 walks, a stolen base, and a couple of RBI's. Throw in a few standing ovations for the rookie before his first MLB hit and you could see the makings of a legend as soon as he stepped onto the field.

"It's so much the same as the minors," said Bruce, who was batting .364 in Triple-A. "They've just got bigger stands, more fans and better uniforms."

But Bruce forgot to mention the much better looking women with the huge breasts. Rookie mistake. He will learn.



-Hawk-ing one up eh? You have to love the drama that is created by the New York press. In one of the most entertaining games of the season, the Orioles and Yankees combined for 9 home runs while the O's twice came back from 4 run deficits to tie the game and eventually won it in the 11th with a walk-off single from pinch hitter Alex Cintron. Kevin MIIILLLLAAAARRRR!!! hit two bombs into the left centerfield stands and Brian Roberts made a spectacular stab of an Alex Rodriguez liner with the bases loaded to start a huge double play. Yankees starter Ian Kennedy was again horrible with his location and is now on the disabled list because in all honesty he doesn't deserve to play in the majors yet. He blows actually. The Yankees will try to salvage a game in the series as the notorious Orioles killer Andy Pettitte takes the hill tonight against Jeremy Guthrie.

-Josh Hamilton for MVP? The recovering heroin addict hit a grand slam and finished the night with 5 RBI's to give himself a major league leading 58 RBI's, 12 more than anybody else in both leagues in helping the surprising Texas Rangers to a 12-6 win over the Tampa Bay Rays. Right now I would have to say the 27 year old is by far the leading MVP candidate as he is on a pace to drive in 176 runs despite playing with a heavily taped left thumb that would cause considerable discomfort to most players. Hamilton isn't most players. He is the type of player everyone with a heart should root for because of his ability to beat the demons inside his head and kick aside a life threatening drug habit. And just a reminder that Hamilton was traded during the offseason for Cy Young candidate Edinson Volquez to make room for Jay Bruce. Strange how things work out for both the clubs and the players.

-Ervin Santana bounced back from consecutive losses to throw a complete game 3 hitter against the Detroit Tigers in a 3-2 win. The pitching duel between Santana and Jeremy Bonderman was a good one and the Tigers squandered a 2 run lead in the eighth inning with a wild pitch to Vladimir Guerrero and an RBI single by Garrett Anderson tying the game. Gary Matthews completed the comeback win with a RBI single with two outs in the 9th.
Things have only gotten worse in Detroit as Gary Sheffield was put on the DL with a strained oblique and Carlos Guillen is now playing DH after a switch from 3B because of a horrible case of hemorrhoids. I shit you not.

NBA
You make the call...

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing
If you thought NBA ref Joey Crawford made the right call by not making one you are either a Lakers fan or had money riding on them. On the other hand if you think the no foul call was bullshit you are more than likely rooting for the Spurs. I thought there was a foul by Derek Fischer on Brent Barry on the play but Barry didn't sell it. See, in today's NBA game you have to flop or act like you are being castrated in order to draw a foul. Barry the veteran should have known this. The Lakers are now up 3-1 in the series as they go back to Los Angeles. The NBA will get it's wish as the Lakers will advance to the NBA Finals with a game 5 victory. Mark it down. And hopefully somebody castrates Ginobli, Duncan, and Parker. Actually Parker has already been since he married that stupid attention whore. I can't remember her name but I think she plays thirdbase for the Rays.

NFL
-As far as I know nobody got arrested or killed by an NFL player. All in all a message Commissioner Roger Goodell approves of while stroking his feline while counting his millions...


NHL
-The Red Wings traveled to Pittsburgh yesterday while waiting to destroy the Penguins tonight in Mellon Arena in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals on NBC. I really have nothing else to say except Malkin and Hossa need to get their heads out of their asses and live up to their All-Star playing ability. Fuckers! This of course has nothing to do with me betting on the Penguins to win the damn series. Assholes!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Tony Barnhart points out that Alabama coach Nick Saban is still pissed off about "the Nick Saban rule." The rule was created by the NCAA to keep head coaches off the road in May to do recruiting evaluations because Saban was supposedly breaking some rule.

“I understand why they did it,” Saban said. “It was because everybody was paranoid about what everybody else is doing. I got turned in all kind of times because I was supposedly doing this and that and I wasn’t doing it. I was just watching practice and evaluating players, which is part of our job.”

College footall is all about paranoia. We live for it. Everybody else is cheating except our favorite college team. These are things we rationalize in our heads everyday as we stalk our favorite players on MySpace and Facebook. Deal with it Saban!

ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE'S POON SCHEDULE

Our buddy Pooner over at Poon of the SEC alerted me to his new Alabama Crimson Tide football schedule. As you can see in the picture above Nick Saban's crew should be quite titillating with a schedule that starts off with a game against a spanky/spunky Clemson squad in Atlanta. Poon of the SEC is trying to gather all of the terrific SEC poon out there to make schedules for their respective teams and not just BAMA poon. So if you have some good SEC Poon pictures be sure to send them to him but of course you might want to send them to me first so I can make sure they are worthy. Duty calls people and I consider myself an expert in the SEC Poon living down here in Atlanta.

Trust me, I have seen plenty of potential from schools such as Georgia, Florida, and Auburn. So don't let this BAMA poon be the only one...she says pretty please...

HT: Poon of the SEC

FINE ITALIAN SOCCER STREAKING COVERAGE

Actually, I could care less about those flopping fakers over there in Italy but the women love them. And to show off their love for all things Italian in soccer they stalk them at practice and in a bizarre mating ritual they run at them while stripping off their clothes in order to gain the respect of the flopping fakers.

Watch as the predator stalks the prey, ripping their clothes off while hunting...




I'm still hoping shit like this will start happening here in the States. The 7th inning stretch should be a calling for all the beautiful women to rush the field, strip, and try to mate with their favorite athlete. Why wait for after the game when you can show your love and admiration in front of tens of thousands in attendance?

Rumor has it the one streaker in the white bikini is Marianne Puglia, a former Miss Earth Venezuela in 2006 who just instantly became my favorite Miss Earth contestant ever. My manpiece loves all nationalities.

Video HT: WithLeather

A SIGN OF OUR TIME

I will drink to those words any day! The picture was taken on Ohio State's campus for what it is worth. Not much then. Gas in now reaching over $4 a gallon. If those dicks at OPEC keep it up I might have to stay at home all the time and drink alone. Oh shit, never mind, I do it anyways. Good luck with your recorded billions and billions of profits!

HT: TheDirty

CHARLIE WEIS WANTS A RECKONING

You wretched slugs, don't any of you have the guts to fight for blood?

After a 3-9 season I'm betting Charlie either has a hot dog in his sights or one of these guys:
A) Pete Carroll
B) Urban Meyer
C) Mark Mays

It's only a matter of time, actually 92 more days, till college football comes fighting back. Hopefully Weis has a game plan this season that doesn't consist of linemen falling down while failing to protect the QB. For some reason while staring at the picture of Weis above I came to think of him as playing the character of Johnny Ringo in Tombstone. I could imagine Weis running this little thought in his head while thinking of the menacing trio of Carroll, Meyers, and Mays...

Picture HT: Awful Announcing

KOBE BRYANT JUMPS OVER SNAKE POOL

Kobe Bryant doesn't give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs! You know why I know this stuff? Because he has time to film a spot with the whole gang of Jackass of him jumping over a bunch of snakes. Sure it's fake but so apparently were those rape allegations. It's time for me to now forgive Kobe. He seems like a really cool dude. I can now stamp my ticket to hell.

By the way, Wee Man and Chris Pontius are the shit!

Video HT: FunnyorDie

DAVID BECKHAM SCORES FROM 70 YARDS

Apparently David Beckham still plays in the USA. Shit, I had no idea but after watching this video of his cross field goal from 70 yards out he still has game...

I know, soccer can be so riveting. Ain't that right Becks...

Never mind, he like most of us has his mind on other things.

PHIL MICKELSON FAN DOES A CANNONBALL

It's amazing what the drama of PGA Golf can do to some folks. And if you give them a few beers while soaking in the sun all day it is just a matter of time before they decide to take a dip...
Phil Mickelson or Lefty as all the retards call him may have won The Colonial on Sunday but the real winner was the fan.

JESSICA BIEL IS A FLORIDA MARLINS FAN

And like all ten of them seems very uninterested in the Marlins or the game itself. I'm not sure what is happening with Jessica Biel but I think her career is starting to go down the crapper. She already has some major bumps on her lower left lip from Derek Jeter's cock and now she won't even wear makeup to cover it up while sipping on Bud Light with the locals. She might as well call it a day and give into the Playboy demands or go all Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" in order to appease the masses. And by appease I mean to release an amateur sex video.

Daily Celebrity Pic

THE DAILY DUMP

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB
-The Reds have finally decided to call-up superstar prospect Jay Bruce for tonight's game against the Shitsburgh Pirates. It's about fucking time! Bruce has been destroying AAA pitching this season and has little if anything left to prove in the minors. The Reds outfield of Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr., and Corey Patterson has been weak all season so I'm not sure what the hold up was in keeping Bruce down at Louisville. Bruce will more than likely start tonight in centerfield which means once prized Cubs prospect Corey Patterson could be getting his release papers today. At least this now gives me a reason to watch the Reds play tonight against the lowly Pirates on the MLB package.

-Speaking of rookies, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw made his MLB debut the other day against the St. Louis Cardinals and was extremely impressive for a 20 year old. The 6-foot-3 lefty walked one, gave up 5 hits, and struck out 7 while giving up 2 runs in 6 innings of work. His fastball was hitting 96 while his breaking ball was buckling knees while hitting the mid 70's. When the Orioles were talking to the Dodgers to see what kind of interest they would have with Erik Bedard during the offseason the main prospect the O's were interested in was Kershaw. It appears from a distance the Dodgers made the right move in keeping Kershaw. He has future ace written all over him. Plus he replaces Jason Schmidt in the rotation because the old man can't take a shit without going on the disabled list.

-Chase Utley drove in 6 runs in a 20-5 rout over the Colorado Rockies. The Phillies are starting play good ball but what in the hell happened to the Rockies? They sit at 20-31 and look like they will suck balls all season. I guess their magical mystical run to the World Series last season was just that. Their pitching is pathetic and their offense is non-existent without Holliday and Tulowitzki in the lineup. Clint Hurdle needs to work on his constantly red alcoholism face by chugging more Jack in the dugout, it's going to be a long season in Denver.

-Damn, Brandon Webb might now lose 9 in a row. Webb suffered his second straight defeat yesterday in Atlanta after winning his first 9 games. Of course his defense didn't help him as 3B Mark Reynolds committed his 9th error of the season thus leading the Braves to another easy home victory and a split of the 4 game series. Severna Park native and hopefully future O's player Mark Teixeria collected 4 RBI's as the Braves improved to 22-7 at home while sitting tied with the Phillies for second place in the National League East.

-Finally Nick Markakis
broke out of his your "slowly killing Fairchild to death slump" yesterday by clobbering a homerun while going 3-4 against the hated New York Yankees in helping rookie Garrett Olson pick up his 4th win of the season. Hopefully the "confidence booster" of yesterday's performance will help Kakes reestablish himself as one of the top young talents in the game. His strikeout ratio has been alarmingly high and either he needs to make some adjustments in his long stroke or hitting coach Terry Crowley needs to be fired asap. With the way the O's have been hitting all season, or shall I say lack of hitting, I think Crowley needs to get the pink slip now.

NBA
-The Pistons beat the Celtics to even the series at 2-2. An interesting point my wife made to me last night while we were watching the game, she thinks the Pistons are a better team because they have set plays while the Celtics pretty much hand it to either Garnett, Pierce, or Allen and tell them to do their thing. She has a good point and I think the Pistons will win game 5 in Boston. Mark it down because as marriage is teaching me, never, ever, disagree with the old lady. Now excuse me while I go wash out the sand out of my vagina.

NHL
-What in the holy hell has happened to the Pittsburgh Penguins? They have been shut out twice by the mighty Detroit Red Wings and even their goaltender Marc Andre Fleury is choking while trying to run out on the ice...

Graceful, isn't he? Evgeni Malkin and Marian Hossa have been non factors so far for the Penguins and unless both of them step up quickly there is a good chance they could get swept. If you smell a faint odor of pooh it's a good chance it's from the NHL commissioner's box after seeing his poster boy in Sidney Crosby being held without a point in the first two games on the biggest stage.

NFL
-Vince Young almost quit after his rookie season in order to party shirtless with a bunch of dugans. The picture on the right is of him partying in the meat packing district while sweating profusely because Madonna's latest with JT is off the hook. If you don't think Young is bringing back the queer while roping the steers in Texas well then you haven't been listening to him...

"I really thought long and hard about it," Young told the Web site.

Only porn stars, catholic girls, and gay men think about things long and hard. And to top it all off Young had these priceless quotes...

"I have a stronger circle," Young told the Web site. "Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I'm representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I've learned from my life."

What about George Michael and Pee Wee Herman? It's only a matter of time before Vince in caught rubbing one off in a urinal with some other dude. In fact Vegas should start taking action on it.

-Tony Romo is still dating, or shall I say shagging, Jessica Simpson. But Tony might want to watch his back in case some other drunk dude decides to make a pass...
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.


COLLEGE FOOTBALL
-Steroids and HGH do a body good. Especially a linebacker named Brian Cushing who just happens to play at USC...

Cushing is from New Jersey originally(Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!) and the first picture on the left is him off the juice with a serious set of man boobs. Think of Meatloaf in "Fight Club." Now he is back on the juice. Think of Sylvester Stallone in everything. It's just a matter of time before Latimer, I mean Cushing, grinds on some girl and throws her across the room because "she was leading him on!"