Friday Funbags

CFB Coaches Preseason Poll Released

We are only a month away from college football kicking off (thank fucking God!) and today the USA Today released their preseason top 25 Coaches Poll. Here are some initial thoughts from the poll.


1.Oklahoma (42)-It's hard to argue with the amount of starters Oklahoma has coming back and with Texas being down. The Sooners are a legit #1 preseason but you could make compelling arguments for Alabama, Oregon, and LSU. Landry Jones would be the answer to most of those arguments.

2.Alabama (13)-Bama is going to be really good this season even with the heavy losses at key positions. I think they will be a lot more hungry and Trent Richardson will be a beast.

3.Oregon (2)-Scoregon is back and the Ducks will continue to put up a lot of points on the scoreboard. I wouldn't be surprised if they went undefeated if they can get by LSU in the season opener.

4.LSU (2)-I like this LSU team a lot. Not a huge fan of Les Miles but talent wise the Bayou Bengals are ready to contend for a SEC Title.

5.Florida State-Probably a little overrated considering their defense got worked in big games but then again FSU always seems to be overrated so why not preseason?

6.Stanford-The best QB in the nation and a relentless defense coming back off a one loss season is the reason why Stanford has their highest preseason ranking...ever. A very good team it will be interesting to see how they react without Jim Harbaugh on the sidelines.

7.Boise State-All they do is win and win big. If they crush Georgia in Atlanta chances are they go undefeated.

8.Oklahoma State-Good team but certainly not great. Mike Gundy needs to beat Oklahoma before he earns my utmost respect.

9.Texas A&M -I like the Aggies a lot I'm just surprised they are ranked this high preseason. Apparently not all of the coaches are as dumb as they vote sometimes.

10.Wisconsin-The Badgers are one of my sleeper teams for the BCS Title but now I see they are ranked top 10 preseason it's not much of a sleeper like Auburn was last year. The Badgers or Nebraska will win the Big Ten.

11.Nebraska-Kinda surprised they are not ranked higher. The season will ride on how healthy they can keep Taylor Martinez in their Big Ten inaugural season.

12.South Carolina-The Cocks should win the SEC East and if they had a better, more reliable QB they would be a top 5 team preseason.

13.Virginia Tech-The only team that can contend with FSU for the ACC Title.

14.Arkansas-Don't laugh but Arkansas could be this year's Auburn. Everybody expects one of either Bama or LSU to run away with the SEC West but the Razorbacks are loaded and should be tough. I would have Arkansas ranked way higher.

15.TCU-Trust me I love the Horned Frogs and I think they deserve all the respect they can get but this might be a tad too high for them preseason. They lost a ton of starters and despite an easy schedule I don't see them going undefeated.

16.Ohio State-The Buckeyes actually might be underrated. Yes they got a new coach and a new QB but they still have elite talent and they pretty much have owned the Big Ten for the past decade. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they finished top 10 again.

17.Michigan State-The Bama and Iowa losses must have left a bad taste in voter's mouths. Sparty will be better than this preseason ranking.

18.Notre Dame-This seems about right. ND has almost every starter back and should take another step up in the second year of the Brian Kelly era. I think a 10-3 season is attainable. The defense should carry them.

19.Auburn-Last year Auburn was underrated preseason and this year they might be overrated. They lost a ton from their BCS National Championship team but if they can run the ball they have a shot at shocking a lot of teams in the SEC West.

20.Mississippi State-Seriously? The Bulldogs played out of their minds last year but I think a thing called reality will hit them in the face this season.

21.Missouri-No arguments here. Mizzou with the right QB could be scary this season.

22.Georgia-Top 25 right now on name alone. UGA has been a huge disappointment the last 3 seasons in my opinion. If Mark Richt doesn't turn around the downward trend this could be his last season in Athens.

23.Florida-Like Georgia the Gators are top 25 on name alone. They have a ton of talent but their QB is horrible and both lines could struggle this season.

24.Texas-The Longhorns were horrible last season but should rebound to a 8 or 9 win season.

25.Penn State-Well they still have JoePa.

Others receiving votes
Arizona State (6-6) 158; West Virginia (9-4) 149; Utah (10-3) 50; Miami (Fla.) (7-6) 49; Iowa (8-5) 41; Northwestern (7-6) 30; Arizona (7-6) 28; Central Florida (11-3) 22; Michigan (7-6) 19; Air Force (9-4) 15; North Carolina (8-5) 14; Houston (5-7) 13; South Florida (8-5) 9; Hawaii (10-4) 8; Clemson (6-7) 7; Tennessee (6-7) 7; Southern Miss (8-5) 6; Brigham Young (7-6) 5; North Carolina State (9-4) 4; Northern Illinois (11-3) 4; Oregon State (5-7) 4; Pittsburgh (8-5) 3; Washington (7-6) 3; Georgia Tech (6-7) 1; Nevada (13-1) 1

Not a whole lot to argue with since it is a preseason poll. I would have had West Virginia in the top 20 no doubt and am kind of surprised how low South Florida is and that Baylor didn't receive any votes. All in all the sports directors did a great job of voting for the coaches. Now go give yourself a raise.

Notre Dame lands lucky number 13 in Sheldon Day, lose out on Tommy Schutt

Notre Dame landed one of it's "biggest" commitments on Tuesday when Indianapolis Warren Central defensive tackle Sheldon Day confirmed his verbal. Day who is listed at 6'2 286 lbs is the second prospect out of Indianapolis to join the class with the other being Cathedral safety John Turner.

As you probably know Notre Dame has always had difficulty getting defensive tackles. For whatever reason it's been a big time swing and miss position for the Fighting Irish when trying to get the elite recruits. Day isn't as heavily recruited as Gerald McCoy or Marvin Austin but he is extremely important for Notre Dame in order to build depth along the defensive line. Last year the Irish brought in elite defensive ends in Aaron Lynch and Stephon Tuitt among others and this year the interior is being focused on.

Day looks like a beast on film. He reminds me a lot of Trevor Laws. Quick hands, good burst, and a body that appears at least on film ready to contribute right away. Louis Nix, aka Irish Chocolate, was overweight when he enrolled and needed time to get into playing shape with the grueling workouts executed by strength and conditioning coach Paul Longo. Day will have the benefit of coming in at a much lighter weight and will backup Nix at the nose tackle position starting in 2012.

If Notre Dame wants to get back to an elite defense it is imperative to land more recruits like Day. Defensive tackles are always hard to find but it looks like defensive coordinator Bob Diaco got a potentially great one in Day. Day picked Notre Dame over offers from Arkansas, Florida, LSU, Michigan, and many others. The 4 star d-tackle is the third ranked prospect in the state of Indiana and 22nd overall at his position nationally.

With the verbal commitment of Day top defensive tackle prospect Tommy Schutt has been informed by the Notre Dame coaching staff that he would no longer be recruited despite a visit set up for this week. Schutt told Irish Illustrated.com's Jake Brown that he planned on committing this week to the Irish. Look for Schutt to verbal to Florida soon.

And don't bother asking me why Notre Dame would stop recruiting Schutt with the verbal of Day. You can never have too many defensive tackles and it makes absolutely no sense to stop recruiting a kid who was about to commit and is currently the 29th overall prospect in the whole nation.

Ichiro clone disgraces the game

I just added Dustin Ackley on my fantasy team so I should have known there would be assassins in the stands wearing Ichiro outfits trying to take points away from me. I gotta give props for the outfit though. He just didn't come in with a jersey and a hat. No he came in with the pants, shoes, belt, glove and sideburns. The guy is almost a dead ringer for Ichiro. They could have put him out there in right field and nobody would have noticed a thing. It's good to see they ejected him for interfering. Fans shouldn't be allowed to reach over and mess with the game.

Speaking of reaching over and ruining a game I always have flashbacks of that fucking douchebag kid in New York some 15 years ago in the Bronx. I've tried to let it go and I don't even like to mention his name. But then yesterday I saw we had a t-shirt order from a Jeffrey Maier and for a moment (actually I was contemplating it for hours) I thought about putting some fecal matter or anthrax inside the shirt. I literally had dreams about it. But then I did some research and found out it might not be the same Jeffrey. Apparently there are a lot of Jeffrey Maier's out there. Poor souls. I'd rather be named Adolf Hitler than share the same name as that prick kid. Anyways short story made even shorter I apologize for urinating on your Captain Clutch shirt Jeffrey. Please don't sue me.

Yadier Molina goes ape shit and spits on an umpire

I would just like to point out the pitch was a strike. But who am I to argue with Yadier Molina? Molina will no doubt be suspended for numerous games after bumping and spitting on ump Rob Drake last night. It seems like as the temperature continues to rise so do the tempers of both players and umpires. Obviously Molina didn't mean to spit on Drake. He didn't pull a full on Robbie Alomar here. Molina was probably more pissed at himself for taking a third strike in the 10 inning then at Drake and thought the only way he could vent his frustrations was by yelling at the umpire. Not a bad acting job by Drake here either. Nobody likes a close talker and the only way to get out of it is by acting like you are being hit by projectiles. In other words pull a Kramer.

Buckeyes are wearing wristbands in support/honor of Coach Jim Tressel

If I'm new Ohio State head coach Luke Fickell I squash this shit immediately. The Buckeyes don't need any more controversy. They are going to get away with a slap to the wrist from the NCAA when they should have gotten scholarships and/or postseason appearances taken away. If anything this is giant FU to the NCAA and their "rules." They support departed head coach Jim Tressel and his ability to dot the i in liar.

Picture via Jerod Smalley

Casey Anthony Is a Buckeyes Fan?

Excuse me if I'm not well versed in my baby killer trivia but is Casey Anthony an Ohio State Buckeyes fan? I know she's from Florida and enjoys long nights of drowning toddlers in baby pools but I was not familiar with her affinity for the Buckeyes. If you are the Buckeyes what do you do about this? Do you embrace the fact a hot baby killer likes to sport the scarlet and gray or do you hang your head in shame? At this point if I'm Terrelle Pryor I go full force for Anthony. She's still young and her chest continues to get bigger (breast implants?) and you could dot the i on her all night and day. Plus everybody knows your football career was killed and left in the woods once you decided to cash in on tattoos and memorabilia. I give two months before we see TMZ photos of Pryor and Anthony together. It's only a matter of time before the Hilton has odds up.

Kevin Durant is kinda decent at Streetball at Rucker Park

Oklahoma City's Kevin Durant is en fuego from behind the arc in this pickup game at Harlem's Rucker Park. Apparently with the NBA Lockout the stars of the league have to find something to do with their time and instead of venturing off to China like Kobe Durant is straight ballin' in Harlem. Durant looks mad, intense, and focused. Probably has to do with him playing basketball with shit for security in fucking Harlem of all places.

Via TheBigLead

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Do Yankees Fans Never Learn?

Just because you are savage animals with shit for brains doesn't mean you try to catch the ball with your face. I swear to God these people will just never learn. You have to use your hands to catch the ball! Thousands of years of evolution and still we got these imbeciles trying to catch it with their enormous nostrils like they are sucking up blow off toilet seats on Wall Street.

And yes I recognize the Yankees swept the pathetic Orioles once again. Summer wouldn't seem the same without that storyline.

Kate Upton: Enjoys Milking and Grabbing Cock

You know sometimes the pictures just write the headlines themselves. It's not necessarily my perverse view of the world. It's that sultry Kate Upton who thinks of shit like this while posing for "The Complex" and killing all men inside...and out.

Keep on rocking it Ms. Upton...

Peter King Reaffirms My Belief the Carolina Panthers will be God Awful

The Carolina Panthers went 2-14 last season with a rookie QB in Jimmy Clausen taking the majority of the snaps. They had by far the worst offense in the NFL last season ranking dead last in points, yards, and passing yards. Clausen didn't help matters with an abysmal 52.5% completion percentage and a 58.4 QB rating along with a 3-to-9 touchdown to interception rate. So this year it appears they are going to bench the young Clausen in favor of #1 pick Cam Newton. Cam is a player who Peter King describes as "a little inaccurate...but he had a couple of great deep throws." Sweet. He basically described another Jamarcus Russell.

The Panthers current Vegas odds on their win total is 4.5. Right now I don't see them beating anybody in the NFL South. The Falcons, Saints, and Buccaneers should go undefeated against Carolina who will be breaking in not only a rookie QB with tremendous expectations but a rookie coach in Ron Rivera. The only winnable games I see on their schedule are the opener vs. Arizona on the road and then an October 23rd game vs the Redskins and a November 13th game vs the Titans. And while I'm fully aware that every game in the NFL should be a "Any Given Sunday" attitude towards the final outcome I can't help but look at the Panthers and think they are going to win no more than 3 games all season if they are lucky.

Bet the under of 4.5 wins for Carolina. They are going to be awful. Trust me.

Kerry Wood with the lone Cubs Highlight of the Year

It's been a long season for the lovable losers from the Northside. But pitcher Kerry Wood brought a ray of sunshine on this cloudy 2011 season for the Cubbies with this nifty behind-the-back snag to start a 1-6-3 double play. Somewhere Steve Bartman is in full clown outfit with single tear going down left cheek.

Netflix Relief Fund

The debt ceiling is your fault Netflix. I wanted two DVDs at one time. Not one like some dickhead. Now I'm the dickhead because of you Netflix. I can't afford the extra $6 a month. That's like 3 months salary for a blogger. What a bunch of heartless bastards!

Friday Funbags

No Friday is complete without funbags. Enjoy.

Kill Me Now: The Atlanta Braves are going after Josh Willingham or Ryan Ludwick

Three days away from the trade deadline and the big move Atlanta Braves GM Frank Wren has made so far to improve a dreadful offense is trade for the great Wil Nieves for a $1. There is no question to anybody with half a brain that the Braves desperately need an outfielder with a right handed bat with some pop. They don't need Nieves even with All-Star catcher Brian McCann on the DL.

So instead of going big and getting a Carlos Beltran or a Adam Jones or even a BJ Upton or settling for a Carlos Quentin the Braves are going to get either a Josh Willingham or Ryan Ludwick. So instead of getting filet mignon Wren is going to settle for a McDonalds burger. Look I'm not necessarily trying to shit all over Willingham and Ludwick because they are good players. But they aren't players who are going to push the Braves over the top and win them a World Series in October.

If I had a preference I would take Willingham because I think he is the better player right now. Before this season in Oakland he was a high on base guy who has about 20 HR a season pop. This season his numbers are down because he hits in a pitchers park and he's an aging 32 years old. But honestly I don't want either of Willingham or Ludwick. They do nothing for me as a Braves fan.

If the Braves want to go big they need to be willing to deal one of their young arms in Mike Minor, Randall Delgado, or Arodys Vizcaino. Julio Teheran is untouchable and I don't blame Wren for making him that unless the Dodgers call and offer Matt Kemp. Then you can say bye-bye to Teheran and not think twice about it. But that isn't going to happen. If I'm Wren I call the Orioles and ask about Adam Jones. I call the Dbacks and ask about Justin Upton. I call the Rays and ask about BJ Upton. If it takes trading one or even two of Minor, Delgado or Vizcaino to get a young, gold glove ability right handed hitter with pop then I make the deal. The Braves have a ton of young pitching and with the way they scout and develop they will continue to stockpile arms. The problem is they don't have any young hitters in their minor league system who will make an impact the next 2-3 seasons.

Wren is known to keep things close to the vest and not reveal much if anything to the media. I have no problem with that. But don't tell me in September that your team is much better after adding a Rick Ankiel-type or a Derrek Lee-type when you could have gone big. It's about winning the World Series and not just making the playoffs.

UPDATED: The Braves are "hot" for Carlos Quentin and the White Sox want one of the Braves young arms according to Ken Rosenthal. Quentin would be a huge improvement over what the Braves already have in left field but they would still be missing a centerfielder. Quentin is salary arbitration eligible next year and a free agent in 2013.

The Albert Haynesworth Era in D.C is Over

Lay Lady, Lay. Yeah I don't think the Redskins are going to miss Albert Haynesworth. Now watch him go to the New England Patriots and turn out a Pro Bowl season next to Vince Wilfork. That fat drunk fuck will probably dominate for Bill Belichick.

Honestly I haven't thought much of Haynesworth since he left the Titans. The guy I think who will make a huge impact next season is Osi Umenyiora. He's going to hold out of Giants camp and the cash-strapped Giants won't have enough money to resign him and stay under the cap. Umenyiora had 11.5 sacks and 10 forced fumbles last season. He would look great in an Atlanta Falcons uniform. With that being said he will probably wind up with the Jets. It just seems like the Jets are going to get every defensive stud available.

Andrew Luck: Get a Hair Cut and a Shave Hippie!

Serious question for anyone that can grow a beard: Does facial hair help with the ladies?

Because I'm 32 years old and I still can't grow one.

I've got the Civil War thing going on. Full hair on the left but thin as shit on the right side of my face. I ask this because future #1 NFL Draft Pick and current Stanford QB as well as the clear cut leader for the Heisman Trophy grew out the beard this summer. I would think it would diminish your ability to score ass if you look like a nerdy hillbilly with pubs glued to your face.

Just a heads up Andrew Luck since I know you read SportsCrack. Cut it man. Cut it all off.


Via TheBigLead

Butch Davis Officially Fired by North Carolina

It sounds like North Carolina head coach Butch Davis might be looking for a job pretty soon. According to InsideCarolina.com an "UNC official would not confirm or deny whether Butch Davis has been fired today." If Butch's job is safe in Chapel Hill then it would seem someone within the Tar Heels football program would come out and defend him. So far it has not happened.

Davis and the Tar Heels program have been under a microscope since last year's ACC Kickoff when several reports surfaced about potential NCAA infractions with some of their football players involved. Players like Marvin Austin, Greg Little, and Robert Quinn were suspended for the 2011 season when word got out they had received impermissible academic assistance as well as extra benefits in airfare and parties attended. Also records revealed 395 parking citations for 11 football players totaling more than $13,000 in fines. The UNC football program is the next in line for the NCAA's Committee of Infractions in Indianapolis to rule on what punishment the football program will receive.

If UNC jumped the gun and fired Davis today then it probably means the Tar Heels will receive a punishment similar to what Ohio State received. Which is basically nothing besides losing your head coach. Davis has compiled a 28-23 record with a 1-2 bowl record at North Carolina.

UPDATED at 5:40 PM EST: Davis has been told in meetings with chancellor and athletic director that the process of termination has begun according to Joe Schad at ESPN.com

So now the question is who will be the next head coach at North Carolina? Does anybody really care?

Nation's Top QB Gunner Kiel picks...Indiana?

For months the speculation surrounding the nation's top QB prospect in Gunner Kiel revolved around whether he would go to one of either Alabama, Illinois or Oklahoma. But today the 6'4 220 lb QB with the big arm from Columbus, IN decided to stay in-state and pick the Indiana Hoosiers.

The biggest factor was Indiana's new head coach Kevin Wilson, who was recently Oklahoma's offensive coordinator, formed a great bond with Kiel and persuaded Kiel to come to Bloomington so he could play with his older brother Dusty.

Kiel of course will be given an immediate chance to start in 2012. It's still 6 months to signing day but this has the same feel of Tim Couch or Brian Brohm deciding to stay in-state back in the day. Congratulations to the Hoosiers. Now they can get 45,000 people to attend instead of the usual 35,000.

Via LostLettermen

Giants Agree To Trade Zach Wheeler for Carlos Beltran

The San Francisco Giants have agreed to deal top pitching prospect Zach Wheeler plus cash to the New York Mets for Carlos Beltran according to Joel Sherman. The deal is finalized it's just needs Beltran's approval because of his 10 and 5 rights to refuse a trade. The chances of him refusing a trade to the defending champions Giants is about 0%.

This is a huge move for the Giants. They need hitting and Beltran will fit in perfectly in San Francisco. Beltran can be their #2 or #3 hitter and is a proven playoff hitter once the Giants get there.

For the Mets this trade makes a lot of sense too. They get a young arm in Wheeler who they can develop as a starter who should eventually make the big league club in 2012. They were going to lose Beltran to free agency and to acquire a live arm with Wheeler's makeup and get some cash is a win-win for the Mets.

Finally a Baseball Trade: Blue Jays trade Edwin Jackson to Cardinals for Colby Rasmus

The trade deadline is 4 days away and yet nothing worth mentioning has happened until today. Earlier today the White Sox traded starter Edwin Jackson (very underrated starter IMO) and 3b Mark Teahan (salary dump) to Toronto for reliever Jason Frasor and prospect SP/RP Zach Stewart according to Ken Rosenthal. It looks like the White Sox are in full force dump salary mode as they have also put starters John Danks and Gavin Floyd (hello Orioles make a call and bring the hometown boy back) on the trade market.

Now Toronto is sending Jackson to St. Louis for young centerfielder Colby Rasmus according to Rosenthal. Rasmus is an excellent prospect with 5 tool talent but he doesn't get along with the Cardinals organization and more importantly Tony Larussa. The Cardinals need pitching and will put Jon Jay in center to replace Rasmus. This will be the second malcontent on the Jays with Rasmus joining SS Yunel Escobar who was discarded by the Braves last year.

Initial reaction: The Cardinals got a starter they needed in Jackson but didn't get enough for Colby Rasmus. Rasmus still has the ability to turn into a superstar and maybe a change of country will do him good.

Mini Skirt Bowling

Just fast forward to the 1:30 mark and enjoy some bowling. For some bizarre reason I enjoy this bowling more than the crap they put on ESPN at 4 AM. I'm not sure what it is. Feel free to comment why.

Thanks to Dave for the clip.

Jerry Meals Blows Call in 19th Inning

He looked out right? I've looked at every single replay possible and he still looked out by a long shot. I fell asleep last night in the 18th inning so I am not as outraged as I would have been if I saw it live but I kind of figured umpire Jerry Meals would blow a call to decide the game. I just thought it would have gone the other way in favor of the Pirates.

Meals was picking fights all night with the Braves. He threw out Nate McLouth for disagreeing with a called 2nd strike in the 9th. He then tossed manager Fredi Gonzalez for coming out of the dugout to protect McLouth. They were both bullshit ejections in my opinion. Meals was trying to make a point that he is a jackass. Then in the 14th or15th shit I can't remember what inning it was he flipped out when Braves reliever Christian Martinez got mad at a ball call on an outside pitch. He came in front of catcher David Ross, pulled off his mask, and started yelling shit at Martinez while kicking homeplate. Completely unprofessional and enforcing his status as a jackass. So I guess it's no surprise he would botch such an easy call in the 19th inning and call the great Julio Lugo safe at home.

Pirates fans just got flashbacks of Sid Bream. But all is not lost for the Pirates. At least people are talking about you. And that hasn't happened since 1992.

The Braves lost their MVP in Brian McCann to a strained oblique. He goes on the DL today and luckily the Braves have the best backup catcher in the Show in Ross. But the Braves were already struggling to score runs with McCann in the lineup. They need to add a righthanded bat. They needed to add it about 2 months ago. The outfield trio of Nate McLouth, Jordan Schafer, and Jason Heyward has been atrocious in terms of offensive production. It's time to go out and get either a Hunter Pence, Adam Jones, Matt Kemp, or a Carlos Beltran if the Braves are serious about winning a World Series this year. It's not just about making the playoffs Frank Wren. It's about winning the whole fucking thing.

NFL Win Totals Released by MGM SportsBook

Covers.com has the hot, fresh out of the oven, NFL win totals for the 2011 season from the MGM Mirage Sportsbook. It's interesting that it would come out now considering the massive amount of turnover in player personnel which is about to happen in the next week or so. But fuck it right? I want to gamble on football and it's my right to do whatever the hell I want to do with my dirty whore money.

Here are the odds courtesy of the MGM Mirage via Covers.com:


NFC

South
New Orleans Saints 10 (Over +105, Under -125)
Atlanta Falcons 10.5 (Over -105, Under -115)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8.5
Carolina Panthers 4.5

North
Green Bay Packers 11.5
Chicago Bears 9.5
Detroit Lions 7.5 (Over flat, Under -120)
Minnesota Vikings6.5 (Over -120, Under flat)

East
New York Giants 9.5 (Over -105, Under -115)
Dallas Cowboys 9 (Over flat, Under -120)
Philadelphia Eagles 10 (Over -120, Under flat)
Washington Redskins 6.5 (Over -120, Under flat)

West
Seattle Seahawks 7 (Over flat, Under -120)
St. Louis Rams 7 (Over -120, Under flat)
San Francisco 49ers 8 (Over -120, Under flat)
Arizona Cardinals 6 (Over -120, Under flat)

AFC

South
Indianapolis Colts 10 (Over flat, Under -120)
Houston Texans 8 (Over -115, Under -105)
Jacksonville Jaguars 6
Tennessee Titans 6.5 (Over -115, Under -105)

North
Pittsburgh Steelers 11 (Over flat, Under -120)
Baltimore Ravens 11
Cleveland Browns 6.5
Cincinnati Bengals 7.5 (Over -120, Under flat)

East
New York Jets 10 (Over flat, Under -120)
New England Patriots 11.5 (Over flat, Under -120)
Buffalo Bills 5 (Over -130, Under +110)
Miami Dolphins 8 (Over -105, Under -115)

West
Denver Broncos 6 (Over flat, Under -120)
San Diego Chargers 10
Oakland Raiders 7
Kansas City Chiefs 8 (Over flat, Under -120)

Right now I think I would take the OVER on Tampa Bay (8.5) because I think the Bucanneers defense is going to be much improved and Josh Freeman is a future star QB who will have a huge 2011 season. I see Tampa Bay getting 10-11 wins this season despite playing in the NFC South with the Saints and Falcons.

Also I think you gotta like the direction the Detroit Lions are headed. With a healthy Matthew Stafford and a defense led by dynamic tackles Suh and Fairley I don't see enough reasons why they can't have at least a .500 season. 8-10 wins seems doable for the young Lions.

The Jets will win more than 10 games. They won 11 last year despite having a giant target on their back because of Hard Knocks. Mark Sanchez is entering his 3rd season. Their defense is too good and despite having to replace some key free agents I think Rex Ryan has them in the playoffs with a possible division title at 11-13 wins.

The 3 UNDERS I would take are the 49ers (8), Titans (6.5), and the Bengals (7.5). All 3 of these franchises are on a downward spiral.

The 49ers have a new coach in Jim Harbaugh and play in a horrible division but who the hell is going to be their QB? Matt Hasselbeck? Alex Smith? The Seahawks, Rams, and the Cardinals (if they get Kevin Kolb) are all better on paper than San Francisco. It's way too much to ask them to finish .500 or better.

The Titans only won 6 games last year. They have a completely new coaching staff. They also will have Jake Locker behind center. Let that soak in for a bit. JAKE LOCKER. The Titans are going to be awful in 2011. They will be lucky to win 4 games let alone 7.

The Bengals are a fucking mess of an organization. Shitty ownership who won't trade Carson Palmer like he requested. They got old players at key positions. And they play in the same division as the Steelers and Ravens. Shit the Browns are better than the Bengals now. There is absolutely no way they win 8 games this year despite getting one of the easier out of division schedules in the league.

The NFL Is Back

Fantasy football geeks can breathe a sigh of relief now that the NFL Lockout has officially ended. Today marks the first day of NFL free agency. It's suppose to be mass hysteria as teams scramble to fill needs while staying under the salary cap. Top players such as Nnamdi Asomugha, Sidney Rice, DeAngelo Williams, Mathias Kiwanuka, and Charles Johnson will be playing for new clubs and report to camp just one day or the same day they sign a contract. It's going to be crazy and already the Baltimore Ravens have released veterans such as Todd Heap, Willis McGahee, and Derrick Mason just to create salary cap room. The first preseason game is less than two weeks away and yet 25% of team's rosters are totally up in the air. Will Reggie Bush still be a Saint? Will the Falcons get a pass rusher they so desperately need? Is Peyton Manning going to be ready for the start of the season? Who is the next Pittsburgh Steeler to get arrested?

Too many questions to be answered and the great part is we should find out by the end of the week where every team stands in player personnel. The NFL is back! Murders and DUI's will be avoided.

2011 College Football Win Totals Over/Under

If you were to ask me what two things do you enjoy about the fall season the automatic replies would be college football and Vegas. Both are essential once the hot summer has gone and you can no longer feel the sweat dripping off your taint. Now when you combine college football with Vegas odds on win totals you get me really excited. Yesterday The Hilton posted win totals for 35 college football teams that have national interest. The max bet you can make it $1,000 and as far as I have looked it's the only sportsbook taking bets for 2011 college football win totals.

Let's take a look at some via Covers.com.

Alabama 10 -120-Over. Bama won 10 games last season and it was considered a huge disappointment. This year I expect Bama to be more hungry and ready to prove 2010 was a fluke. I would bet $1000 on Bama without even thinking twice because the only team I think can beat them is LSU.

Oklahoma 10 -Over. The Sooners are loaded and Texas is still down. Unless Landry Jones gets injured I can't see the Sooners winning at least 12 games this year.

Boise St. 10.5 –120-Over. The Broncos aren't going to lose a game this season. They will beat Georgia and TCU.

LSU 9.5 -160-Over. LSU lost two close games last season and were oh so close to an undefeated season. This year offensively they will be much better and I think they got a 12 win season in them.

Stanford 9 -150-Push. Even with Andrew Luck and an athletic defense back the Cardinal would have to have a lot of things go right in order to reach 10 wins. I think 9-3 is a realistic season for Stanford.

S. Carolina 9 -150-Under. I still can't get the bad taste out of my mouth the way South Carolina finished the season with blowout losses to Auburn and FSU. Plus I think Stephen Garcia gets caught shitfaced again hopped up on painkillers.

Arkansas 8.5-Over. Knile Davis will get them 9 wins. Barely.

Texas A&M 8.5 -120-Over. The Aggies will have a much better defense this season under Tim DeRuyter. I think the Aggies could win 10 games easily.

Georgia 8.5 -160-Under. I'm not convinced Georgia is any better then last season when they only won 6 games. Aaron Murray could have a sophomore slump and he no longer has A.J. Green or Kris Durham to throw to and they lost their top 2 tailbacks. It could be another long season in Athens.

Oklahoma State 8.5-Over. They won 11 games last season and most of their key guys are back. But for some reason this has to be a trap number. Just a feeling.

Nebraska 9.5 -140-Over. The Huskers could win the Big Ten. No reason to think they can't win 10 games especially with their schedule.

Florida State 9.5 -130-Over. I see 9 definite wins on their schedule so all they have to do is win one of the Oklahoma, Florida, and Miami games.

Virginia Tech 10-Push. Despite their easy schedule I'm not convince the Hokies are going to be any better than they were last season.

Wisconsin 9.5 -120-Over. They got two badass runningbacks in Montee Ball and James White plus Russell Wilson at the QB position should be huge.

Arizona St. 8 -120-Under. Vontaze Burfict is a monster but I'm not convinced the Sun Devils are anything more than a middle road Pac-12 team.

West Virginia 9.5 -140-Over. The Mountaineers are a dark horse National Title contender in a weak conference.

Florida 7.5 -130-Under. I just got this feeling Florida is going to be terrible this season.

USC 7.5 -130-Over. Matt Barkley is too good of a QB to not win 8 games for the Trojans. But then again Lane Kiffin and his dad Monte have totally changed their defense. It used to be good now it looks like shit.

Notre Dame 8.5 -130-Over. The Fighting Irish have a ton of experience and depth back and should win at least 9 games this season. Their defense led by Manti Te'o should be one of the nation's best too.

Texas 8-Push. They have talent but the coaching staff has been completely overhauled and they turn over the ball way too much. 8 wins seems just about right.

Miss State 7.5 -130-Under. The SEC West is the toughest division in all of college football. The Bulldogs will take a step back this season.

Miami 8 -120-Under. I think Al Golden is the right coach for the Hurricanes and will get them back to playing respectable but it's going to be a tough first season.

Oregon St. 6.5 -130-Under. They lost two great college players in Jacquizz Rodgers and Stephen Paea and are coming off a 5 win season. Yeah I don't see them doing much.

TCU 9 -130-Push. You can't help but root for the Horned Frogs who continue to win despite all the naysayers but they lost a lot of players from last season. I could see them winning 10 games this year with a pretty easy schedule but I could see them losing to Air Force, BYU, and Boise State.

BYU 8.5 -150-Under. The September schedule is too brutal and with a slow start the Cougars could have a losing season.

Missouri 7.5 -120-Over. Gary Pinkel runs a good program in Columbia and they have won at least 10 games in 3 of the previous 4 seasons. I think 9 wins is realistic.

Michigan State 7.5 -120-Over. This seems way too low for the Spartans. Who's coffee did they piss in at the Hilton to get this win total?

Auburn 6 -155-Over. Has a defending national champion ever had a losing season following? Seriously I can't ever remember one and even without Cam and Nick Fairley the Tigers should be able to win 7 games.

Tennessee 6.5 -120-Under. I can't really look at this objectively because I've always hated Tennessee. I hate their colors. I hate their fucking terrible fight song. And I hate some of their stupid inbred fans who think Tennessee football is relevant to anybody outside of their shitty state.

Penn St 7.5 -155-Under. They are 7 win team max. This has to be JoePa's last season.

North Carolina 8 -130-Push. They seem like a 7 to 8 win team. It's kinda baffling that they have a higher win total over Michigan State, Auburn, and Penn State.

Michigan 7 -130-Push. It will be interesting to see what new head coach Brady Hoke does with Denard Robinson. He was dynamic in Rich Rod's offense but now they are scrapping it and going more pro-style. As much as I don't like Michigan though I can see them winning 8 games this year.

Utah 7.5 -120-Under. Their defense just isn't good enough to win 8 games in their first season in the Pac-12.

Nevada 8 -125-Under. Losing Colin Kaepernick and brutal road games at Oregon, Texas Tech, and Boise State will be too tough for the Wolfpack to come anywhere close to the 13 wins they posted last year.

UNLV 2.5 -130-Over. They were god awful last year and still won 2 games. I think they can get to 3 this season under 2nd year head coach Bob Hauck.

Oregon and Ohio State were not listed because of "too much uncertainty." Since I'm a betting man I would think the Ducks would be at 10 wins and Ohio State would be 9.5. Right now if I had to take 3 locks to cover their win totals it would be Bama, Notre Dame, and Michigan State.

It's still Friday right? Funbags!!!

The last one is a treat for Matt.

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Nerds.

I mean are you fucking kidding me with this shit? This can't be serious. I've been laughing hysterically for the past 10 minutes looking at these fucking assclowns playing "Quidditch" which is apparently a broomstick game from one of the Harry Potter movies. I mean seriously look at these fucking nerds. They are grabbing each others broomsticks. Holy shit what has society become? I swear to God if my daughter grows up and starts doing this kind of stuff I will immediately shun her. I'd rather her work the pole for cash and have some self respect than be some god damn dipshit running around with a broomstick in between her legs. I feel embarrassed for these kid's parents.

By the way if they start giving scholarships for this kind of shit you can bet I will be the first person pushing my daughter to run around with a kitchen broomstick while megaphoning in her ear: I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN ATHLETE!!!!

Troy Polamalu Gets His Million Dollar Hair Buzzed Off

Was that James Harrison laughing like a hyena? Troy has been growing out his hair for over 8 years now. He has said his long hair is a tribute to his Samoan heritage. The hair has become his calling card just like Kate Upton's breasts. I don't think I would even recognize Troy without the locks. Only because all Samoans look the same to me. It's not racist. It's true. Just like I wouldn't recognize Upton without her enormous knockers.

I'm thinking this video is fake. Probably some viral commercial for Norelco or Gillette or some other shit.

Stephen Drew's Ankle Is Not Suppose To Bend That Way

I hate seeing injuries like this happen to players but I can't help but watch them over and over. I know it's a sickness. Poor Stephen Drew. His ankle is broken. His season more than likely done. By the way Buster Posey approves of this slide.


Via SportsGrid

Braves close to acquiring a RH Bat, Heyward to the Minors?

The Major League baseball trade deadline is 11 days away and if you have been following the Atlanta Braves at all you know they need offense. Most notably in the outfield where the trio of Jason Heyward, Nate McLouth, and Jordan Schafer has been one of the worst in the majors in terms of production. Also all three of those guys hit left handed and the Braves are looking for more right handed power production.

The first bomb of a potential deal came from David O'Brien's Twitter Feed:

Sounds as if the #Braves could be close to making a deal for a RH bat

If it's strictly a RH bat then that eliminates the Met's Carlos Beltran. Yes he is a switch hitter but he doesn't hit lefties well and most of his power comes from the left side. Possibilities could be Hunter Pence, Ryan Ludwick, Carlos Quentin, Josh Willingham, Michael Cuddyer and wait for it....wait for it...my personal favorite...Matt Kemp.

Kemp is a dream acquisition for myself and the Braves organization. He would fit in perfectly and could play centerfield for the next 5 seasons. He's a potential 40/40 guy and he is a superstar. But right now he plays on a franchise that is in financial shambles and if the Braves were going to get him they would have to give up Heyward, a top prospect pitcher (Minor, Teheran, Delgado, or Vizcaino) as well as a B prospect. Probably not going to happen with the rumors floating from Brave's Mark Bowman that opposing scouts have concerns about Heyward's swing and that he should probably be sent down to Gwinnett to work on it. Right now he is working with his personal hitting coach. Some guy named C.J. Stewart. You may have heard of him. Tonight he will be batting 5th in Denver. That seems appropriate considering how well he has been hitting the ball lately.

Ok enough of the sarcasm.

Heyward's trade value is considerably low right now even with his young age. He sits out too many games with various injuries and has even pulled himself out of the lineup which has sent off major red flags within the Braves organization. If the Braves could pull off a Heyward/Minor/and a B level prospect for Kemp then you have to do it. The problem is the Dodgers would probably not do it. They would want Teheran or a Beachy and the Braves aren't going to trade either one in my opinion.

So the Kemp trade is a pipe dream. But what about for Pence? Hunter is the most awkward looking outfielder I have ever seen play in the majors but you can't argue with his production and his hustle. He's a fan favorite in Houston and it would probably take a good haul to get him away from the Astros. I would trade Minor and some other prospect not named Teheran for him but I'm not willing to give up Heyward for Pence by any means.

I would definitely be open to getting Quentin. I'm not sure what the White Sox would want for him but I think you could get him for less than what the Astros would want for Pence. I'm not a huge fan of Ludwick, Willingham, or Cuddyer because I don't think they would bring considerable more production than what Heyward or McClouth bring right now.

So in conclusion if the Braves do make a trade which sounds imminent for a right handed bat the #1 guy would be Matt Kemp followed by Pence, Quentin, Ludwick, Willingham, and Cuddyer.

What do you think? Should the Braves still try to get Beltran and send Heyward down to work on his swing? Or should they shoot for the stars and get a Kemp or a Pence?

This guy at the Mike Leach Book Signing has to be a SportsCrack Fan

College football fan: check

Hasn't showered in weeks: check

Laughs at himself: check

Wears a Mike Leach Pirate shirt while waiting in line to get multiple autographs of his book which are mostly for himself: check


Yeah this guy is definitely our core target market here at SportsCrack.com. The only thing he is missing is the Natty and some urine stains on his shorts.

Via Dr. Saturday

Hope Solo Song by Huey Mack

Seriously where is the Alex Morgan love? If you are Hope Solo you embrace this song by Huey Mack. Because make no mistake the US Women's Soccer Teams 15 minutes of fame runs out this weekend. I mean I've pretty much avoided talking about them and the way they choked against Japan in the Final. So now you got to use what God gave you Hope Solo. Nobody is going to be making songs for Abby Wambach even though she was the real star of the World Cup.

Next career move for Solo? Date a famous person. Then you know what's next: sex tape. It's Celebrity 101.

BTW there is no way I get this song out of my head all day.

I kind of like this Huey Mack kid. Any guy who will admit he enjoys the Natty Light is ok in my books...

The Longhorn Network Will Take over the College Football World...Not Really

If you are wondering why Nebraska and Colorado jumped ship from the Big 12 for greener pastures besides money then you might need to look at some of the details in regards to the new Longhorn Network which is set to take over the Big 12 starting August 26th. According to SportsByBrooks that is the date in which the Longhorn Network, run by ESPN programming VP Dave Brown, will start televising high school football games in Texas and other states with specific Longhorn recruits in them. If you got your panties in a bunch when Notre Dame signed a deal with NBC a while back you should be screaming bloody murder over the recruiting advantage and major influence Texas will now have by televising their recruits games on "The Longhorn Network."

Brown did an interview with an ESPN Austin radio station and revealed his master plan for Texas to rule the college football recruiting landscape:

“We’re going to follow the great [high school] players in the state. Obviously a kid like [unsigned Texas verbal commit] Johnathan Gray. I know people [Longhorn Network subscribers] are going to want to see Johnathan Gray, I can’t wait to see Johnathan Gray.

“Feedback from our audience is they just want to see Johnathan Gray run whether it’s 45-0 or not, they want to see more Johnathan Gray. So we’re going to do our best to accomodate them [Longhorn Network subscribers] and follow the kids who are being recruited by a lot of the Division I schools. Certainly some of the kids Texas has recruited and is recruiting and everyone else the Big 12 is recruiting.

“One other thing, you may see us, I know there’s a kid [unsigned Texas verbal commit] Connor Brewer from Chapparal high school in Arizona. We may try to get on one or two of their games as well so people [Longhorn Network subscribers] can see an incoming quarterback that’ll be part of the scene in Austin.“

So you may be asking yourself "what's the big fucking deal?" The big fucking deal is that it gives the Longhorns major influence over recruits decisions into which school they choose. In a way the Longhorn Network is a big bad booster who is giving cash to these high schools to broadcast their games. The Longhorn Network is essentially paying the high school to televise their football program on their network and the sidelines will be decorated in burnt orange. Sorry Oklahoma. Sorry Texas A&M. You guys could be fucked. The coaches of these high school programs will now encourage their kids to go to Texas in order to get their football team on The Longhorn Network.

In conclusion: Texas and coaches like Mack Brown don't need to recruit as heavily as they once did. They got ESPN and The Longhorn Network doing their dirty work. If you are Texas A&M the next move is to jump ship to the SEC Conference. As for Oklahoma a Sooner Network might be the best way to battle back.

The rest of the Big 12 woke up this morning singing this ditty in their head with the thoughts of Texas dominating the recruiting world....



Via SportsByBrooks

Florida Marlins Hot Tub Shot

Interesting view from down the line eh? The Florida Marlins might not get a lot of fans to attend but they aren't suffering from under exposure when it comes to tan lines. I'm thinking there are leather faces on the flip side because I don't see any of the Marlins bullpen turned around staring. And trust Marlins games aren't that interesting to begin with. I'm getting flashbacks from the old lady from "There's Something About Mary."

Via Twitter

USC Suspends Marc Tyler One Game Without Pay

It's fairly obvious he was hammered and joking around when USC starting tailback Marc Tyler made these comments to TMZ last week but it was no laughing matter to head coach Lane Kiffin and AD Pat Hayden. They have agreed to suspend him from all team activities indefinitely and he will sit at least the first game out vs Minnesota for his senior season.

Tyler led the Trojans with 913 yards rushing last season. He also leads the Trojans in the all important category of "spitting on females and groping them while intoxicated." Tyler will strive to seek help from ex-Trojans such as Mark Sanchez who has gone on to the NFL and screwed underage girls.

Tyler is making the Trojan Nation proud. One drunk incident after another.

Cheat On!

All About The Ring

All About the Ring - watch more funny videos

Kate Upton Bringing Her A Game in Miami

Every Monday morning should start off with Kate Upton. Every. Single. Monday. Kate was in Miami doing some fashion show that I'm way too lazy to even care because OMG she is bouncing everywhere. Anyways enough of the talk. Happy Monday SportsCrack heads.





Via Hollywood Tuna

ESPN Statement says Bruce Feldman Never Suspended

You gotta love the smell of fresh fecal matter on this statement released from ESPN today...

"There was never any suspension or any other form of disciplinary action. We took the time to review his upcoming work assignments in light of the book to which he contributed and will manage any conflicts or other issues as needed. Bruce has resumed his assignments."

So it took almost 24 hours for ESPN to even respond to the report of Feldman's suspension and now they are backtracking saying he was never suspended but yet he has "resumed his assignments." Why would he need to "resume" if he was never suspended? ESPN is full of shit but hey we already knew that. The great news is the people have spoken and Feldman has his job back. Now hopefully somebody really smart hires him and let's him do his job.

Dan Patrick Wonders Why Craig James Isn't Suspended but Bruce Feldman Is

Video via SportsGrid

Unless you have been hiding underneath a massive rock on a deserted island you have heard about the grave injustice ESPN committed yesterday in suspending indefinitely college football writer Bruce Feldman for his involvement with the Mike Leach book Swing Your Sword. It was strange considering he got permission from ESPN to help coauthor the book. SportsByBrooks.com broke the story yesterday and immediate outrage was felt throughout the media world with seismic rumbles going through Twitter and Facebook in support of Feldman for simply doing his job. Rival colleagues and fellow writers all came to Feldman's defense while ESPN isn't saying anything. It all comes down to Mike Leach's dismissal at Texas Tech two years ago in which ESPN's own Craig James son Adam was the main reason why Leach lost his job due to "electrical closet" situation. Turns out it was all bullshit and Leach did not force Adam into a closet after a concussion. ESPN failed to mention any of the actual facts on the case and continued to slander Leach with the help of a PR firm employed by the Pony himself Craig. Apparently James has so much pull at ESPN he has become the modern day Illuminati (credit to Drew Magary for coming up with that) of college football.

The truth is James is a douchebag and an asshole who couldn't deal with the fact his son sucked ass at football and was forced to third team tailback at Texas Tech. Instead of facing the truth James concocted a smear campaign against Adam's coach in Leach and eventually got the guy fired despite leading the Red Raiders to bowl games and wins over the #1 teams such as Texas. Unfortunately the James train claimed another victim yesterday in Feldman who by all accounts is a honest, diligent, and great college football writer who was simply doing his job. The little guy got the shaft. FUCK ESPN and FUCK Craig James.

And to top it all off James is playing dumb on his twitter:

craigjames32 craig james
Respected colleague & friend of Feldman since early 90's. Surprised! Saw this in news like y'all

If you want to show your support for Feldman on Twitter type in the hashtag #FreeBruce. Also you can follow us on Twitter at @sportscrack

Friday Funbags

This week we got so many submissions I had to eliminate by default and keep them stored up for next week. I think if we stick with the alliteration and go with five friday funbags it's just about right. You don't want to overload it you know? So we start off with Brooklyn Decker...





Moving along to Braveheart's Sophie Marceau with a little red carpet slippage...




And we end with Melissa Satta. Somehow I'm just discovered this Italian beauty who is married to some soccer player who's name I could give two shits to remember. The world needs more Melissa Satta.

Georgia Tech fined $100k and must vacate 2009 ACC Title

Talk about some news coming out of left field today the NCAA came down on Georgia Tech with a hefty fine of $100,000, taking away their 2009 ACC football championship, and placing them on four years probation all because Demaryius Thomas accepted $312 in free clothing from a friend. Wait a second! That can't be right. Let me check my facts again.

Yep. The NCAA laid the hammer down on Georgia Tech because they got the feeling Tech officials weren't cooperating with them during their investigation into both the football and basketball programs. Since Tech had previous "violations" back in the late 90's they are considered a repeat violator and hence the hefty fine and the stripping of the ACC Championship flag.

Listen we all know who won the shitty ACC football conference in 2009. Tech. Today's NCAA ruling does nothing when it comes to people's perceptions of which team actually won in front of a half filled stadium in Jacksonville. Absolutely nothing. What hurts is the $100K fine. Who pays that? Does a booster just reach in his pocket and write a check or does the program suffer with less scholarships to give? I honestly don't know how it works.

Looking at the big picture I'm surprised the NCAA made such a big deal out of Thomas accepting some free clothing from a friend. I obviously don't know all the facts but if I was in college on academic scholarship (I know I'm laughing as I type it) and somebody offered me some free clothing at Gap or Old Navy I sure as hell would accept it. But the thing is the person on academic scholarship wouldn't suffer from public ridicule and their academic program wouldn't be slammed with a hefty fine because of some free clothing. It's kind of stupid when you think about it.

But anyways now on to the big picture. What happens to the football programs at Ohio State, North Carolina, and Oregon? They all committed more serious "violations" where money was exchanged and coaches and compliance departments tried to cover up the infractions. Do they get the "death penalty" since Tech got hammered today for $312 in free clothing?

What do you think?

Brooklyn Decker and Emmanuelle Chriqui Crushing Cock at The ESPYS

Full disclosure: I didn't watch one second of last night's ESPY's. I'm not a big fan of award shows and it just seems like a lot of ass kissing and networking goes on with these kind of things. I watched Seth Meyers opening monologue today and I thought he did a pretty good job. He was funny but when you have a room full of uptight rich athletes and celebrities who are more sensitive than Jimmer Fredette's girlfriend chastity belt the comedy seems to fall on deaf ears. But enough of that bullshit. The best part of the ESPY's from what I can gather since I didn't watch them was Brooklyn Decker and Entourage's Emmanuelle Chriqui. Both just came out full force last night. They formed the perfect storm of hotness. Tall blonde with big boobs and the petite dark brunette. Good stuff. And both came without their significant others.

Sorry ladies I was busy. Next time I'll accept the invitation when it's a real award show. You know something more serious like the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.





Pictures via DailyMail

The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants Airs Tonight

The reigning World Series Champs have been labeled a Band of Misfits by the local media and if you have seen the antics of closer Brian Wilson and Aubrey Huff in the past you know that tonight's "The Franchise" on Showtime should at least be somewhat entertaining. I'm always interested to know what goes on behind the scenes and learn more about the players in regards to normal daily activity and that is why I'm such a huge fan of "Hard Knocks" and "24/7" shows on HBO. You get a peak into what you would never see just by watching the game. Hopefully Showtime's "The Franchise" is as well produced and directed as those shows. The above clip shows a little of what Buster Posey is facing in terms of rehab and getting back physically as well as mentally into the game he loves. Hopefully they focus on Posey's gnarly left leg and not all the BS that surrounded the "we must protect the catchers" crusade that went on only after Posey was lost for the season. Of course anything with Wilson in it should be highly entertaining. The guy is naturally funny and I don't think he is going to hold anything back like a Jeter or an Arod would. I would love to see how the rookies get hazed and get to meet Tim Lincecum's dealer and see Miguel Tejada's smiling face. If you love baseball then I think tonight's "The Franchise" is way more of a must-see than last night's All-Star Game. At least we won't have to listen to Joe Buck bitch and moan about Derek Jeter not making it to the All-Star Game. Plus this should have cursing and fart jokes. At least I hope so since every dugout I've ever played in was full of those two.

Oh and if you work for Showtime on this show and are reading this which is highly unlikely please dive into the road beef. I know it's risky for the players who are married so by all means avoid that but I want to see what the single guys are doing after a ballgame. I know it's not going to look like the '86 Mets but I expect a little bit of hookers and blow on the side. It's only American.

Video via ExtraMustard

Justin Timberlake Rips Joe Buck and Loves Beer

I just wanted to point some things out. Justin Timberlake was born on January 31st. Wow, so was I. JT doesn't care much for Joe Buck and his smarmy voice. Me neither. JT enjoys hanging out at the pool with the ladies. Well who doesn't? Timberlake thinks beer is food. So do I. Why am I pointing out all this? Because I always thought I had a long lost twin. My parents would even tell me about him. They gave him up for adoption because they didn't want Marvin (Justin is a much better name now) to be jealous of myself because I was the good looking one with all the talent. It's good to see Marvin has gone on to do better things with his life and not let his deformities both inside and out effect his career in entertainment. We can't all be MFCEO's of SportsCrack LLC Marvin. I'm proud of you Justin. Don't hesitate to call me if you ever need pointers on how to hook up with the ladies.

By the way the National League won 5-1 and Prince Fielder was named MVP after hitting a 3-run bomb thus shutting up those fucking imbeciles in Arizona who kept on booing him because he didn't put Justin Upton in the home run derby. Who's got the last laugh now you fucking cactus fuckers?

Kenny Powers - The K Swiss MFCEO (Uncensored)

Kenny Powers - The K-Swiss MFCEO (UNCENSORED) - watch more funny videos

I'm putting MFCEO on my new business cards. Because I'm not just the CEO and founder of SportsCrack LLC, the greatest t-shirt sports company known to man. I'm the mother fucking CEO. Ever since I started SportsCrack all I ever heard was you can't do this, you can't do that, you will piss off too many people, God hates you, blah blah bull shit. Well guess what? SportsCrack hasn't changed. And I sure as fuck don't plan on changing it anytime soon. That is unless someone wants to offer me a couple of million for the biz. Then I'm not going to lie. I'm in the Caribbean bitches downing Mai tais and smoking blunts like an ex-MFCEO. But until I get bought out by Kenny Powers I'm going to be right here. Cursing like Jesus when he was nailed to the cross.

So in conclusion if you want to get laid you need to be wearing a SportsCrack.com shirt while running around chasing tail with some K-Swiss Tubes (hint hint to the upper powers at K Swiss to send me some more fucking shoes now!) on. Don't be some asshole loser that nobody respects like Derek Jeter. Be a winner. Not a perennial loser like Jeter. That guy can't even get ass without paying for it or getting some 3000 bullshit. Poor fella.

"Hot secretary, get the President on the line. I just got tired of paying taxes."

Phillies Fans Do the Tomamock

I got texts all weekend from some of my college buddies up in Philly who were in attendance watching the Phillies take 2 of 3 from the Bravos. I don't want to point them out (Rivells and Edwards) because that would just be wrong. Of course they handled the series win with class because if Philly fans are anything they are the Derek Jeter of fans. Just all around class acts. No F bombs thrown. No making fun of Atlanta and their attendance woes.

In all seriousness I respect the Philly fans. They have passion. You can't argue with that. And since most of them are borderline retarded (seriously Geno's and Pats both have shitty cheesesteaks) you just have to feel sorry for them. So go ahead and make fun of the tomahawk chop and call Chipper Larry and throw your batteries. The Braves will be ready in October.

Phuck The Phillies!

David Ortiz is still a pussy and still on roids

I've been getting emails left and right about my thoughts on this "fight" in which no actual punches were landed. The Red Sox were again kicking the shit out of the Orioles thanks to an 8 run first inning. They were up 10-3 in the 8th inning and the game was in hand. Baltimore reliever Kevin Gregg who doesn't have the best of control to begin with decides to pitch to the inside of the plate. David Ortiz, or Big Pussy as everyone calls him, took umbrage because god forbid a pitch might actually hit him. Apparently the Dominican Shrek thinks anything thrown near his ogre ass is like pissing in his coffee. It's part of the fucking game. Gregg has as much right to the inside of the plate as you do you fucking Mongoloid. If anybody needed proof that Ortiz is back on the juice then all you need to do is see this roid rage episode. Was Gregg wrong for yelling at him to run the bases when he hit the lazy pop fly? Oh yeah. That's Terry Francona's job. But if you are going to charge the mound and try to "fight" why don't you actually try to land something instead of playing tummy sticks with Gregg.

I always suspected Ortiz was a fraud. This only helped seal the deal. The guy needs help. He needs to be tested and clearly he has problems if he is roid raging on the last place Orioles over some pitches near his shriveled up mansack. Anything less than an 8 game suspension just proves the MLB caters to those Massholes.