NICK GREEN PITCHES SCORELESS 8TH AND 9TH INNING

Boston Red Sox shortstop Nick Green made an emergency appearance last night on the pitching rubber, his first time on the mound in more than 11 years, and pitched a scoreless 2 innings. Wait, what?

Yes, this is the same Nick Green I use to face in American Legion Ball more than 12 years ago. The same Green I tripled off the left centerfield wall in Alpharetta. This goes to prove, without a shadow of a doubt, I should be playing in the Major Leagues. If only all the drugs, booze, and loose women didn't get in the way I would be in Green's position right now. Yeah, that's it.

But enough about my sketchy past, let's hear what old fireballer Nick Green had to say about his performance last night vs. the Chicago White Sox.

"I didn't really want to do it, but I understood the situation," said Green, the first Red Sox position player to pitch multiple innings in a game since Dave McCarty in 2004. "That's why I said, 'OK, I'll go out there and try to have fun.'"

"I just wanted to throw strikes," Green said. "I didn't know my ball was going to move all over the place. I told Tito, 'I might get hit, I don't know.' I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't thrown to a catcher in 11 years."

Congratulations go out to Green for a fine performance last night. Dickhead. Nope, not jealous one bit. (cries into Ramen noodles for the 7th night in a row wondering what went wrong)

USC NAMES THE FRESHMAN STARTING QB

When I was young I knew everything, now I'm Pete Carroll guilt stricken sobbing with my head on the floor because I named Matt Barkley starting QB...I can't be held responsible...Barkley was touching my thigh...I won't be held responsible...we were merely freshmen....


USC was so innocent. F them is what I say....

MICHAEL VICK DEBUTS TONIGHT

IMAGE HT: WithLeather

Hide your Beagle people, Vick's an Eagle officially starting tonight against the Jacksonville Jaguars on the NFL Network. So basically a million people have the opportunity to watch it from their home. Fucking NFL Network and their exclusive deal with DirecTV. Don't they realize that satellite tv sucks balls or is just about the money? Oh yeah, it's always about the money. Anywho, I will have to go to Taco Mac tonight to see the Doggie Killer make his debut wearing something other than black and white stripes or an orange jumpsuit. Vick has served his time and deserves a second chance. Actually this is more like his 10th chance because he lied so many times before hand about having any involvement but that is besides the point.

I want to see Vick play. I want to see him roll out of the pocket and hold that pigskin like it's got Ron Mexico's clamidia on the laces. I want to see him get hit and fumble. I want to see him break a run for 30 yards when most other players would have only got 10 yards. I want to see him overthrow a receiver by 5 yards or miss a guy on the slant or fire it too hard. Most of all I want to see how people react to him when he is introduced for the first time. I expect a scattering of boo's and cheers. And pound puppies on the field.


HIDE YOUR BEAGLES VICK'S AN EAGLE SHIRT AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE HERE!

16 DAYS TILL THE BALLS DROP

This has to be LSUFreek's best work over at EDSBS. Very disturbing yet highly funny. My sides actually hurt right now and those are not remnants of Vegas destruction in my ribs.

NOW THIS LOOKS ENTERTAINING

Zombieland could get 1 star and be as Gawdawful as that Peter Jackson remake of King Kong and I still won't give a shit, I have to see this movie. It feels like it has a Tarantino flavor to it and anytime you have Woody Harelson playing a redneck then it's all good in my book.

I'm interested in hearing what the peanut gallery has to say. Would you go see Zombieland after watching this preview or would you rather go see some gay ass Harry Potter coming of age movie? Seriously, if you like Harry Potter and are over the age of 15 please just kill yourself now. The world would be a lot less gayer with you in it.

HAPPY ENDING?

20 bucks, and it better be quick! Great job Fox Sports! I still have no desire to watch soccer but this commercial made me laugh.

Video HT: Extra Mustard

SHAQ IN A SPEEDO

The clip above comes from Shaq VS which is apparently some show on ABC. I have no fucking clue because I don't watch network television unless there is sports on it. HBO and Showtime shows occupy my time most nights if I decide to watch something else besides the baseball game right now. Anyways, Shaq lost a bet to the beach volleyball group of Misty May and Kerri Whateverhername so he had to walk down the beach in a pink speedo. I think it fits the big man. I was pleasantly surprised not to see some damn elephant snake slipping out of the side. That would have been almost as uncomfortable as seeing Misty May's ballsack in slow motion. Seriously, Misty is a pre-op tranny right?

Video HT: Extra Mustard

DEATH PANELS ARE REAL

I GOT THE BUTTERFLYS

in my stomach and it has nothing to do with hookers and blow but everything to do with September 5th. I love the Fall and I love sitting on my ass all day on Saturdays with a cold beer in my hand and watching college football. Shit like this video gets my heart pumping in anticipation for kickoff...

CASH 4 CLUNKER SHIRT

Here is another one of our new shirts. We call it the new "Cash 4 Clunker" shirt and you can only get it at our STORE PAGE.

Brett Favre is already joined the Cash 4 Clunker program, shouldn't you?...




Brett Favre pictures courtesy of MacG's World

Rank And File: Notre Dame Preview - ESPN VIDEO

Here is a little video Jason Hall, a big fan of Sportscrack, sent my way with the talking heads at ESPN giving their outlook for Notre Dame this season. Seeing Mark May's bloated head babbling bullshit already has my blood boiling. October 17th can not come soon enough. It's put up or shut up time for the Notre Dame football program in 2009.

Listen, we all know Notre Dame only won 10 games the last 2 years combined. But that is in the past and right now, the present, this Notre Dame team might have the most talent and depth since the early to mid 90's. I shit you not. Elite programs like Texas, Florida, LSU, and USC can put out their 2nd and 3rd teamers and not miss a beat. Notre Dame has finally gotten to this point. Their offense is completely loaded with experience and elite playmakers. They have the newest version of the AFROS (America's Finest Receivers on Saturday) with Golden Tate, Michael Floyd, and TE Kyle Rudolph back in which combined will put up well over 2500 yards receiving and 25 TD's receiving in 2009. Their backups such as freshman Shaquille Evans, sophomores Deion Walker and Johnny Goodman, juniors Duval Kamara and Mike Ragone were all high school All-Americans who every program in this country desperately wanted. Jimmy Clausen will have a Heisman worthy campaign this season and will bump one of either Tim Tebow, Sam Bradford, or Colt McCoy off the invitation list to NYC. The runningbacks are as deep as anybody in the nation including USC. Armando Allen, Robert Hughes, James Aldridge, Jonas Gray, and freshmen Cierre Wood and Theo Riddick will all be battling for carries this season. There is no reason why they shouldn't push for over 2500 yards rushing combined this season especially behind an offensive line which will now push people forward instead of back.

The defense is going to have a lot of breakout stars this season. On the defensive line look out for defensive tackles Ian Williams and Ethan Johnson. If the Irish are going to contend for a National Title they have to be able to control the line of scrimmage and stop the run. Both Williams and Johnson are fully capable of having All-American seasons and have made great strides in the weight room. Forcing double teams is the key to free up the pass rush with defensive ends such as Kerry Neal and Kapron Lewis-Moore coming on the outside and crushing the quarterback or making a rush throw. If Williams, Johnson, Neal, and Lewis-Moore do their job then it will free up what could be the most underrated set of linebackers in the nation. The group is led by junior Brian Smith (leaves his heart on the field, will make a great captain in 2010) who could have one of those Courtney Watson type seasons where he always around the ball making plays. In coming freshman Manti Te'O, aka the Hawaiian Hitman, is the biggest defensive recruit to come to Notre Dame since Kory Minor was rocking the black shield. Te'O is literally a man among boys. He will have as much of an impact on the defense as a freshman as Michael Floyd had last season for the offense. He is that good and will leave Notre Dame once his mission is complete: Destroy USC. Senior Toryan Smith will be solid at the MIKE and Darius Fleming will have at least 8 sacks this season at the SAM LB position. The great thing about the front 7 of the Irish this season is most all of these guys are big, strong, and can fly and will be successful in Jon Tenuta's aggressive, blitz-happy defense.

Their secondary is the best in the nation. Yes, I said it. Cornerbacks Darrin Walls and Robert Blanton are both shut down. Their back ups, Raeshon McNeil and Gary Gray would start almost anywhere in the country but at Notre Dame they will be counted on to fill in and just be badass cover corners. I'm talking Air Traffic Control with those 4 guys plus you have a Jamoris Slaughter who Irish fans will love to see on the playing field in 2009 because of how smooth, quick, and his ability to lay out people with his frame will have you scratching your head in amazement. The safeties are led by seniors Kyle McCarthy and Sergio Brown. I absolutely love watching these guys play because you can tell how much they want to get their hands on that pigskin and take it back for 6. Harrison Smith, Dan McCarthy, and freshman Zeke Motta will all see significant time and are budding stars who will keep the tradition going in 2010 and beyond. This defense combined is going to put a lot of fear into opponents and they will create a ton of turnovers.

Make no mistake people, 2009 was the year I pointed out back in 2006 as the year the Irish finally returned to elite. Now it's only 10 days away till it comes to fruition. Believe the hype because Notre Dame is for real. I can't fucking wait! Can you?

SENATOR ROBERT "BARBARIC" BYRD REACTS TO OUR NEW VICK SHIRT

Ok, so maybe I lied a little bit about his reaction to the new "Hide your Beagle, Vick's an Eagle" shirt we introduced last night. Sure the "Barbaric" Senator from West Virginia is breaking down upon hearing Teddy Kennedy's death this morning but it might as well have been my reaction to seeing the final design of another one of our new NFL inspired shirts.


Brings tears to these eyes. December 6th in the Dome can't come soon enough. The Battle of the Birds. Matty Ice vs. BadNewzEagles.

Visit our store page to get the new shirt.

If you don't buy one then you are simply being BARBARIC!!!!

CHRIS COOLEY VS. WASPS AND YELLOW JACKETS

It's good to see Washington Redskin's tight end Chris Cooley has one of the same issues I have had in the past: how in the fuck do you kill those pesky yellow jackets and wasps? They are everywhere during the summer and are the most annoying thing other than a Mexican driving 35 mph on the highway. So how do you kill them? Apparently a cowboy hat, a video camera, two cans of bug spray, and constant persistence for the hive...



It's just a matter of time before PETA sends the Cooley's a mean letter.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR TUESDAY

Ever since I got back from Vegas I've had about zero time to actually sit and relax but honestly who gives a shit, I would rather be busy. The only thing that bothers me is I have had absolutely no time to sit and write some blogs. I've been too busy going back and forth, shipping out t-shirts (big stinky pinkies to all of you out there) in mass quantities to as far away as Australia. We got more shirts coming out as we have been inundated with constant requests for new ones. We even got some requests for some pro-Michigan and pro-USC shirts. Well being a Notre Dame and SEC fan I got 2 words for all y'all Wolverines and Trojans blowhards. It's basically what my bank card told me in Vegas when I tried to withdrawal 2K for some roulette...

STILL HURTIN FROM VEGAS, BUT THIS MADE ME LAUGH

Old Frenchy hitting into an unassisted triple play to end the game. That is something you don't see everyday. You know what else you don't see: dead hookers. Nope, I didn't see any in Vegas. Swear to God.

Video HT: WithLeather

VIVA LAS VEGAS!

I am off to Las Vegas for a little coming of passage called the bachelor party. Things will get rough, lives will be changed, and babies will be affected. After much consideration and insight from the Sportscrack nation I have decided to go with Charleston Southern and the +73 points against Florida. I'm putting Carlos' college fund on it so you jackoffs better have it right...



I will see all of you on Monday. Hopefully. Any good lawyers out there?

GOING TO VEGAS TOMORROW, SHOULD I BET ON THE GATORS TO COVER A HUGE SPREAD?

Tomorrow I am boarding a plane for Vegas for my buddy Chuck's bachelor party and was thinking about throwing down some bets on the opening weekend of college football. One line stood out to me from week 1. The Florida Gators are 73 point favorites over Charleston Southern according to USA Today's Danny Sheridan. Ten touchdowns and a fucking field goal favorites are the defending champion Gators! I know these teams are two total mismatches but you don't think the Gators will be running up the score this early being #1 preseason do you?

I need the help of the Sportscrack Nation. Do I bet on Florida not covering the -73 or shall I say fuck it, the Gators are going to dismantle them and win by at least 80? Leave your comments below.

WELCOME BACK BRITNEY SPEARS

Y'ALL, Britney Spears made an appearance on Late Show with David Letterman doing the "Top Ten Ways the Country Would be Different if Britney Spears were President" and I must say, it looks like she is back in a good way...


I give her two more years of solid clean living till she makes her way back to dysfunctional crazy Mom and accepts a spot on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab. Speaking of Celebrity Rehab have you seen their cast of characters for the new season? Not trying to sound gay or anything but this season should be very entertaining with Mindy McCready (aka Roger Clemens mistress talking about his shrunken mansack), NBA great Dennis Rodman, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss, actor Tom Sizemore, bassist Mike Starr from Alice in Chains (one of the more underrated bands of all-time) among others dishing out their daily addictions and problems on national television. Now that is entertainment folks that make you, me, and everybody else feel good about themselves.

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

A joke for you on this glorious bastard of a day they like to call Hump for some reason...

"Why I fired my Secretary"

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.


HT: Joe

BRETT FAVRE IS A LYING ASSHOLE...AGAIN

Honestly I could care two shits if Brett Fav-re plays another down of NFL Football. I have tried and manipulated all my strength and will power to just ignore another offseason of bullshit in regards to Favre's retirement because I have no vested interest in Brett Favre. I don't like him or the Green Bay Packers or any other NFL team he wants to contaminate at this point. What I do care about is some guy making up his fucking mind and sticking with it. Quarterbacks are suppose to be committed to their team because unlike the other positions on the field they can directly affect the outcome. Favre on the other hand is just looking for the money. Favre has now become the Roger Clemens of the NFL. He was once beloved in Green Bay (maybe the Cheeseheads still love him because of the 3 MVPs and Super Bowl ring) and now he is playing for one of their biggest rivals in Minnesota. Like Clemens he says he is retired only to come back for the 3,436th time. If the Vikings were offering him $2 million and a little backdoor blow job action on a boat he would have told them to fuck off. But they didn't and finally caved to his and more importantly his agent's demand for more money and less training camp action despite having a bum shoulder and an ego that needs to be stroked more often than a coked up Peter North.

I say I shouldn't care about Fav-re and I really don't want to but the fucking guy won't go away. If he would just put on his fucking Wranglers, mow the grass, and shut the fuck up and not lie about retiring then nobody would care about him besides the Packers fanatics and Peter King. But nevertheless here we are. He won't stay in Mississippi. Another offseason of bullshit. Now Favre has become the official villain of the NFL. He wants to be the villain now. He has embraced the dark side, or purple if you prefer, and now will be playing in a comfortable 70 degree Dome instead of the frozen tundra of Lambeau. I'm shocked any team would put up with his shit especially considering the guy is 39 years old (translates to 108 years in normal human life) and all he ever does these days is lead the league in throwing bad interceptions.

Look at him and talk about him, that is what Brett Favre wants. He needs the attention. He loves it more than Michael Jackson loved to suck cock. I wish the media would just ignore him and tell him to go home and leave us alone. So from now on I will ignore any story involving #4. I promise. Wait, what did Fav-re just say to Chris Mortenson? Fucking Fav-re!

RICH DICKS

Rich Dicks from Jon Daly

18 DAYS

Till Golden Tate, Michael Floyd, and what now appears to be freshman sensation Shaq Evans unleash the newest version of AFROS (America's Finest Receivers on Saturday) to College Football.

DON'T PLAY THIS GUY IN H.O.R.S.E

Behind-the-back trick basketball shot extraordinaire Bruce Manley has a new video out with more amazing shots. This kid should just challenge anybody to a game of H.O.R.S.E. There is no way you can beat him when he is bouncing balls off of other basketballs into the hoop.

SEANTREL HENDERSON TO VISIT NOTRE DAME

The nation's #1 offensive tackle, Minnesota's Seantrel Henderson, has set his five official visits for this fall according to his dad Sean via ESPN Blog.

"I definitely know his five official visits," Sean Henderson said. "He will visit Ohio State, Oklahoma, Florida, USC and Notre Dame.

"So far he has Ohio State Sept. 12. Notre Dame will probably be Oct. 17. And USC is Nov. 28 tentatively."

Seantrel will visit Ohio State the weekend the Buckeyes play USC. Oct. 17 is the weekend the Irish take on USC. The weekend of Nov. 28 the Trojans play UCLA.

"He is going to the Oklahoma-Texas game just to watch," Sean Henderson said. "I'm not sure when he will make his official visit to Oklahoma. And I'm not sure about the date for his Florida visit."
Henderson plays at Cretin-Derham HS which has long been considered a Notre Dame feeder high school (Michael Floyd, Rashon Powers-Neal, Ryan Harris among others) but Henderson was rumored to not have much if any interest in attending Notre Dame. Now that he has scheduled his official visit for the October 17th against USC it appears the Irish at least have a shot. Henderson is the type of player who could step on campus anywhere next season and start right away. He is that good of a lineman. Hopefully he goes blue and gold and not cardinal and gold. I would hate to go against him every year.

JAY CUTLER IS STILL LOVED IN DENVER

Denver Broncos fans are still having a hard time moving past the Jay Cuntler era. Even kids are burning his jersey these days. How long before Chicago Bears fans do the same thing? Cutler has already managed to blame Devin Hester for an interception he threw in his opening preseason game. Never mind that he threw off his back foot and lofted a 40 yard pass perfectly into Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin hands. It was Hester's fault and there is no reason to doubt the great Jay Cuntler. I mean look at all that he has accomplished in the NFL. Ok, nothing really but he thinks he is better than Dan Marino and John Elway combined. If you were to ask me who is my #1 hated athlete right now I would have to say Cutler. I don't even like the Broncos and I hate him. The guy is just a complete asshole. He brings back fond memories of Michael Vick during his playing days. Vick would never take blame and wouldn't put in the time to get better and be a leader. But at least he wasn't a down right cry baby bitch like Cutler has been since he signed out of Vandy. His sense of entitlement is laughable. I feel bad for Chicago Bears fans. They deserve better. If Sexy Rexy can take them to a Super Bowl then Cutler better win one.

SIGN MY BABY NICK SABAN!

No doubt about it, Alabama loves their Crimson Tide. Who the hell else would let Nick Saban put his dirty fingers on their newborn much less put their devilish signature on the toddler? This baby is so fucked! We might as well rename the kid Lucifer. Saban's left thumb is more creepy than a Catholic priest whispering in your ear that everything is going to be "ok."

Not like I would know how that feels...forgive me father. I got to go.

Image HT: Deadspin

Y.A. YANG SAYS "KISS THIS FIST TIGER!"

Tiger Woods should be ashamed of himself. He had a 2 stroke lead going into Sunday's final round at the PGA Championship. He had never lost a lead in a major till yesterday. Fucking loser! South Korea's Y.A. Yang stuck his fist right up Tiger's a-hole and showed him how to hit some clutch shots. Yang's chip-in for an eagle at 14 was just a precursor to his brilliant 2nd shot on the 18th and final hole. He fucking nailed it and more importantly hit his putts unlike Tiger. Yesterday I would have smoked Tiger at a game of putt-putt by at least 5 strokes. Simply Tiger couldn't handle the pressure of losing to an Asian. He crumbled to a 75 on national television.

Tiger Woods is human after all. No majors in a calendar year for the first time since 2004. Pathetic. He should hang up the clubs and pursue and bang all the foreign nannies. As far as I can see he hasn't lost in that category yet.

NEW SHIRTS: MATTY ICE AND GINAS FOOTBALL

We have been making shirts now for almost 4 years and yet these will be our very first NFL inspired shirts. Don't ask me why it has taken so long other than the fact I ate a lot of paint chips as a kid. Lead based no less and pennies also were a favorite. I'm not even kidding, my parents had to take me to the emergency room when I was 4. The first shirt is the New Jersey Ginas Football tee which popped in our head when we watched the "40 Year Old Virgin" the 7th time. We figured we could play with the East Rutherford team up there in Jersey and call them the 'Ginas.

As for the Matty Ice Atlanta Football Shirt it was pretty obvious we had to make one for the Falcon's new quarterback. He took a losing franchise which has never had back-to-back winning seasons to the playoffs in his rookie season and came awfully close to winning MVP honors. This year Matty Ice has a new toy in All-Pro Tight End Tony Gonzalez and the team should be legitimate contenders for a Super Bowl run.

So these are our first 2 National Felon League shirts. We got some more ideas popping into our heads but of course we would love to hear back from you about other ideas. Washington Deadskins? Dallas Cowgirls? Big Ben's TV repair service? We have been working on some Vick to Philly shirt ideas but haven't really nailed any dogs, sorry ideas down. Let us know and if we use your idea you get a free shirt.

Visit our NFL Store page.

HIDE YOUR DOGS

My Dad pointed out the cover of the Philly Daily News today: HIDE YOUR DOGS. I feel sorta bad being a dog owner and all because I laughed out loud when I saw the headline. Philly fans hated Michael Vick when he played for the Falcons even though he could never beat the Eagles so I can't imagine too many fans embracing this move. But let's be completely honest here, Michael Vick is a football player and not some politician and/or role model. He is still a piece of shit in my book and I'm glad he isn't on the Atlanta Falcons. If he can go to Philly and contaminate the Eagles who could be the one team the Falcons have to beat to reach the Super Bowl then I say bravo. I can already see Donovan going down with a knee injury in week 5 and then everybody including myself waiting to see Vick come out in those Eagles colors as the savior. And then he drops back to pass and he tries to juke a defender like he is running away from the DA but his quickness has eroded. Defenders are younger and some are faster than Vick now. And then he flails the ball into a linebackers hands or merely fumbles it away. This is the Michael Vick I remember for the Falcons. What is 2 years in prison going to do to his game? Certainly can't improve. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ask Vick himself. He has dealt with many "old" dogs.

December 6th in the Dome can not get here soon enough.

It looks like the Vick signing has the McNabb stamp of approval. This according to McNabb himself...


If Vick comes in and looks good in the preseason (which I highly, highly doubt) then there will be an all out QB controversy in Philadelphia. I don't know how this would be good for the franchise. Either way NFC fans win. If you are a New Jersey Giants fan or an Atlanta Falcons fan you have to feel pretty good today. The Eagles were serious contenders to reach the Super Bowl with their stellar offseason acquisitions of LeSean Shady McCoy and Jeremy Maclin in the draft plus getting left tackle Jason Peters from Buffalo was a huge addition looking to protect McNabb. Now all of that could be thrown out due to a Vick controversy.

But then again Vick could come in and win and Philly fans will love him because they are crazy and they want to win at all costs. Trust me, I say this having many friends who are die hard Philly sports guys. If news came out tomorrow that Cole Hamels killed Benjamin Franklin nobody in Philly would give a shit because Hamels won a ring.

RUH ROH VICK IN PHILLY!

Pass me the popcorn fellas. This is going to be very interesting. Puppy killer Michael Vick in the city of Brotherly Love? This could have disaster written all over it. How will Donovan McNabb react to Vick being his backup? How will Andy Reid handle the press that comes with signing a player with the baggage of Michael Vick? What kind of pound puppies will the Philly faithful throw at Vick when he fumbles for the third time in a crucial game because he handles the rock like it's a hot potato? It's good to have Vick back in the NFL. He kind of just writes the blogs himself while I sit back and watch. Welcome back Vick! I can't wait to see him return to Atlanta on December 6th in the green and white. The racial tension should be fantastic.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TAILGATER TWO-A-DAYS

3 more weeks till kickoff! Are you ready? Well you better get ready for some heavy tailgating by preparing yourself for the 2009 season. No more South Beach diet. No more date nights on Friday or Saturday. Football season is upon us so put away the tampons and get ready. Take it from these guys, they know how to prep...

OFFICIAL 2009 NOTRE DAME GAME FOOTBALLS AVAILABLE

We just got in stock the new 2009 Official Wilson Notre Dame NCAA Football. These are the same exact footballs they use starting September 5th against Nevada. Same size and weight that Golden Tate and Michael Floyd will be catching this fall. I am pricing them at half the price of what Football Fanatics offers them at so you are getting a great deal for only $99.

Be sure to order them quickly because I have limited stock. First come first serve.

Notre Dame Official Wilson Game Day Football $99

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG?

It's been over a 100 years since the Cubs won a World Series and honestly I can't remember off the top of my head the last time the Cubs actually went to a World Series but they still have fans who act like complete douchebags. Could you imagine how insufferable Cubs fans would be if they actually won something? They would turn into the Red Sox bandwagon nation. Frightening to think of it. It looks like from the video the wrong guy got thrown out for tossing the beer onto Shane Victorino's head. Too bad. First you waste a perfectly good beer by tossing it like a drunk moron then somebody else takes the fall while you cower in your seat.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW YOU'RE GAY?

You sing fucking "Lean on Me" and call yourself a Trojan while sitting in football meetings...


You know how I know you're gay? You open up with San Jose State and your fight song sounds like the anthem to Bareback Mountain. FUSC

TAILGATE LIKE A CHAMPION SHIRT NOW IN IRISH GREEN

The Sportscrack Nation has demanded we make our popular TAILGATE LIKE A CHAMPION shirt in lucky irish green so they can represent their Irish pride on gamedays. Well, here you go. I hope you like it as much as I do. For the low price of $17 you can now get one in your favorite irish green color. If you have the navy version you are pretty much obligated to now buy the green version. Don't ask me why or question my authority! Just buy one. Plus a portion goes to a wonderful cause in the American Cancer Society so you can feel good about yourself as you Tailgate Like A Champion this fall.

TAILGATE LIKE A CHAMPION IRISH GREEN SHIRT

SORRY EVERYBODY

I apologize for the lack of posts lately. I've been running (actually flying and driving) from Atlanta to DC to Baltimore and now back to Atlanta the past two weeks for my other paying job. Basically I have been really f-ing busy. But now I am f-ing back and ready to give all of you a piece of my shat...


We got less than 4 weeks till football season starts so expect a lot of heavy preseason football talk from this here Sportscrack Blog. It's going to get nasty but that is the way you like it you filthy whores. Be prepared. You are warned. September 5th can't get here soon enough.

THE GREAT MICHAEL FLOYD

32 more days till we see Michael Floyd put on the Blue and Gold and have an All-American season starting September 5th. Last season Floyd put up nearly 900 yards receiving despite missing some action due to injuries and not starting the first game. This year Floyd will put up over 1200 yards receiving with 10 plus touchdown catches. Everybody in the nation wants to talk about how great Julio Jones and AJ Green were last season and for good reason. Both of those guys are stud receivers who will play on Sundays. Floyd might be better than both of them.

ERIC BERRY AND THE VOLS "WILD BOYS"

Yes that is Tennessee's dynamic safety Eric Berry with some sort of chain around his neck posing shirtless in front of Lamborghini with his other Volunteer teammates. And they are all shirtless too. Not gay at all. Nothing to see here. It's great to see Lane Kiffin is bringing out the Cali to the Volunteer state.

You can go ahead and purchase the official Tennessee shirt for 2009. Not that there is anything wrong with it...

MELVIN MORA FEELS DISRESPECTED OVER BENCHING

Mora Feels Disrespected (8/2/09)
by gatecitycanes

This is coming from a guy who has 3 home runs, 27 RBI's, and a .650 OPS for THE ENTIRE SEASON! Melvin Mora needs one of two things: steroids or humility. Actually make it both. He is lucky manager Dave Trembley kept him in the lineup for so long considering how completely shitty his bat has been this year. Mora will be a free agent after this season and can go look for a job somewhere else. Maybe he should have a talk with Tom Glavine. He seems to be doing quite well for himself in his current job search. I've always liked Mora but I can't see where he is coming from with his bitching about "disrespect." Dude, you suck balls this year. Sit your ass on the bench and be a good teammate...not a distraction.

URBAN MEYER SIGNS EXTENSION WITH FLORIDA

Georgia and Notre Dame fans should just sit down, take a deep breath, and relax.

Urban Meyer is going to stay at Florida for a while. FUCK!

He signed a 6 year extension that will pay him nearly $4 million a season to stay in Gainesville. I heard Urban was leaning toward leaving the Gators after Tim Tebow graduates and cures cancer but then he saw this entertaining rap song about Tebow and he figured he would stay in the South and dominate the SEC with those cool looking Gaytors Wal-Mart jerseys...

Video HT: EDSBS

Honestly I don't know how I feel about Urban Meyer staying. Hopefully Charlie Weis can right the ship up in Notre Dame and start winning some ball games (I expect nothing less than 11 victories this season) so I no longer have to worry about what or if Urban Meyer is going to leave Gainesville for South Bend. If I was a die hard Georgia fan I would be a little worried with him staying. Meyer is basically Steve Spurrier 2.0 but he already has more national championships in 4 years than the ole Ball Coach. Maybe Mark Richt will pray real hard and come up with a scheme to beat Urbie after the mid afternoon rape they received in Jax last year.

TIRED OF WAITING FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL

We got just over one month left till college football kicks off and it can't get here soon enough. I am ready to fire up the tailgate, bail out Terrelle Pryor and get this shit rocking. The waiting is the hardest part. I have the itch. I need my college football fix now! I need to see pigskins flying in South Bend, Athens and yes even that shithole whore they call Ann Arbor. Don't make me get mad! Deep breath, exhale, pass it over.

Until college football starts I will play my beer pong thank you very much...

MATTHEW STAFFORD LOVING HIM SOME SEC POON

Courtesy of HOTSECPOON.COM we get these great pictures of Matthew Stafford fully enjoying his bachelorhood with plenty of hot pieces of tail coming at him like chum in water. It's great to see an athlete live it up to it's fullest especially after a rich payday. He better enjoy it now because I don't think the Detroit poon is going to be nearly as nice as the UGA ones.

VIVA LA MATTHEW!!!!

TIGER WOODS RIPS ONE

From Mac Gs World comes this video of Tiger Woods ripping a screamer on the 18th of the Buick Open. His caddy Steve Williams seems to enjoy it. Shit, I would smell his farts all day if I knew at the end of the day I was getting 10% of whatever Tiger wins.

UPDATE: HAHA, the PGA pulled the video. It must have copyright rights to Tiger's farts.

STEPHON MARBURY IS A HELL OF A DRUG

Check out what Stephon Marbury is on, doing, whatever live at Justin TV. Marbury is a hell of a drug is all I have to say.

HT: Jay

AMAZING HOLE IN ONE NETS CAR

Leif Olson proves the quickest way to the hole is off your playing partner's ball. At the Canadian Open this weekend the Leif pulled off one of the most unique shots I have ever seen on a golf course and in doing so won the BMW Z Roadster. Goes to show if you like to knock each others balls around then good things can happen.

Video HT: With Leather

VOTE JIMMY FOR HEISMAN SHIRT

Show your support for your favorite Jimmy while he strikes the Heisman pose at www.jimmy4heisman.com

TIM TEBOW IS A VIRGIN

Anal virgin still counts right?

Next year I will have to make it to the SEC Media Day. For some reason my credentials got lost in the "mail." Now at least we know Tebow has another mission to get accomplished called the missionary position. No wonder the guy plays with so much adrenaline. I would be running through brick walls and curing cancer if I wasn't getting laid.

GEORGIA QB JOE COX LIVES UP TO NAME

Via Deadspin via Sporting News comes this picture of Georgia Bulldogs quarterback Joe Cox man region. Apparently he forgot his cup. What a cock knocker! I can't wait to see the Bobby Cox spread. They will have to airbrush the FUPA out.

MARK BUEHRLE THROWS PERFECTION THANKS TO A WISE PLAY

Mark Buehrle just threw only the 18th perfect game in Major League history. Congrats go to him and his perfection. Bastard. He better give Dewayne Wise a shower full of high class hookers for saving his ass there in the 9th. What a clutch play!

Listen to the Hawk go crazy with the call...

LA LOVES MANNY RAMIREZ

Manny Ramirez provided the moment only legends can dream of when his pinch hit, grand slam in the 6th inning landed in "Mannywood" and thus sent the packed crowd in Chavez Ravine into pandemonium. His 21st career grand slam puts him just 2 behind the all-time leader in the great Lou Gehrig and has all but abolished any ill feelings the LA crowd felt about the 50 game suspension. It also happened on his bobblehead doll night, a game in which he wasn't expected to play because of a sore left hand that was hit by a pitch the night before.

"It was one of the best moments in my career," he said. "I'm just glad it happened in LA."

Fucking Manny can hit a ball like nobody else.

NEW SHIRT: TOP GUNNER 37

We got a lot of requests to do a shirt for the Top Gunner in the nation who wears the #37 for the Blue and Gold and this was our best suggestion. The idea for the shirt was sent in by Paul Bautch who thought the Top Gun logo would be cool to work with and obviously we agreed since it is one of our favorite movies.

The front of the shirts says "TOP GUNNER SOUTH BEND SPECIAL FORCES" and on the back it says "TOP GUNNER" with the #37 below it. Hope you guys and gals like it and be sure to spread the word. As always a portion of all sales goes to the American Cancer Society.

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

RUH ROH, TIM TEBOW IS "MAN OF MANY MISSIONS"

The Ultimate QB Tim Tebow is back and is ready to grace us with his presence for the next...oh, I'm going to say 6 solid months. Everyone will come out of the woodwork to pick and pull apart his game as he enters his senior season. But it won't matter because Tebow is the real deal. As you probably know I'm not a Gaytors fan but I do respect the competitor and leader that Tebow is. Ever since I saw this video of him on ESPN Outside the Lines of him playing in high school with a broken freaking leg I have had nothing but mad respect for this kid...

Tebow is the Chosen One and deserves the attention and praise he gets. Any team and fan would kill to have a Tim Tebow as their quarterback. He is a natural born leader who has never gotten in trouble. That is pretty hard especially in a city like Gainesville. Not one slip up. The kid has lived up to the hype. Two National Titles. One Heisman Trophy. And I have a hard time finding any team beating the Gators in 2009 because of Tim Tebow.

So get ready for the endless stories about Tebow and his mission work in third world countries and how he carries his team to victory and how he is the greatest college football player of all-time. And as a cynical as I am I am not bothered by it one bit. Tebow is the real deal. Don't believe me? Fast forward to the 2:00 minute mark of this video and then you judge him...

"You just hear the bone moving and stuff...just popping and stuff"-Tebow playing on a broken leg.

BRING BACK THE NIGHT GAME

Notre Dame hasn't had a night game since I was a kid. This is apparently one of the reasons why...

1988 vs. those pussies from Michigan (I mean that affectionately) who couldn't handle a little crowd noise from 58,000 drunk Catholics. I wish Notre Dame would bring back the night game atmosphere. Notre Dame Stadium now seats 80,000 plus and I could only imagine how much the place would be shaking if on October 17th they decided to make it a night game against USC. Holy shit balls it would be epic.

44 MORE DAYS

Till Alabama's Julio Jones makes his presence felt again in a big way...

GEORGIA RECRUIT IS SCARED OF THE BEAVER...

or he is gay! Georgia's newest verbally committed recruit, Douglass (GA) High School defensive lineman Garrison Smith, is not going to chase the pooney when he gets to Athens...

"I know a lot of people will laugh at me, but I'm trying to practice abstinence," Smith said. "That's a big thing for me."

Come on Man! There is no way he means those words. Look at the shirt he is wearing for the interview. "Fighting Beavers!" The kid probably has a Black Mamba and yet he doesn't want to slay the countless amounts of ass that will be thrown his way just because he plays in the red and black? I don't get it. I hope he is joking. He has to be joking around. He points out Shaun Alexander as a role model in his fight to not fuck before marriage but Alexander was full of shit. He chased skirt all the time. I met Alexander in Vegas a few years back and he mentioned how much he loved coming to Atlanta for the women during his college days. So no need to fight the beaver. Slay it like a man!

HT: Brian

SOME THINGS I NEED TO GET OFF MY CHEST

Look! It's Erin Andrews naked! I think I see a boob in there!

-Yes, I have heard about the Erin Andrews peeping Tom video. The reason why I didn't post about it yesterday was because I kept reading about computer hackers using the tape as a way to put viruses into your computer. Fuck that! Erin Andrews as we all know was violated in what was suppose to be the privacy of her hotel room as some pervert videotaped her nude through some kind of high tech peep hole....Awesome! Kidding of course and I do find it pretty disturbing. Disturbing because it wasn't a sex tape. If I wanted to see Andrews naked I would just ask Kirk Herbstreit for some pictures. A sex tape is a whole different situation. We can only hope someday Corso might release the tape.

-Big Red Tommy Hanson is the real deal. A lot of prospects get a lot of hype and don't live up to your expectations once they reach the majors (Matt Wieters) but Big Red has not disappointed. Last night against the Wild Card leading San Francisco Giants he set an Atlanta Braves rookie record with 11 strikeouts over 7 innings. In his first 8 starts he has a 5-0 record including wins over the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. The Braves are kind of babying him right now in regards to keeping him on a fairly strict pitch count of 100 but as the season goes on I think they will let him pitch some complete games. He was hitting 95 on the radar gun in the 7th inning last night. He has filthy stuff and the Giants weren't exactly knocking him around late in the game. If the Braves are going to make a serious run for the Wild Card they are going to need Hanson to be effective every 5th or 6th day. Makes you wonder what Tom Glavine is up to these days. Not really eh?

-Notre Dame finalized a matchup with Army in Yankee Stadium for 2010. (crickets....crickets....crickets....crickets....crickets....crickets...crickets)
Sorry if I don't sound enthused Notre Dame fans but I really don't see the point in this game. They already have a game with Navy next year so what is the point of putting another military school on the schedule? Here is what the Notre Dame athletic director thinks:

"Any student of Notre Dame football history knows the meaning of the Notre Dame-Army rivalry and, in particular, the history of that rivalry at Yankee Stadium," ND athletic director Jack Swarbrick said in a statement.

Okay I get the tradition part but that was 60 years ago. It's not the same Yankee Stadium. It's not the same Army team. Army blows. And of course it's not the same Notre Dame who would travel anywhere and take on anyone. This isn't going to get people excited about college football in New York and the Northeast with the exception of Notre Dame diehards who just wanna see them play close to home. If Notre Dame once to be elite which I think they should strive for since they promise it to their students and alumni then they need to schedule more competitive games than Army and now apparently Tulsa:

The Tulsa (Okla.) World on Monday reported that Notre Dame and Tulsa are negotiating for an October 2010 game at South Bend.

"The two universities are in discussions to play football in the 2010 season," Don Tomkalski, Tulsa associate athletic director for communications, told the paper. "No contract has been signed."

Come on Notre Dame, grow some balls. And yes I know other schools schedule cream puffs but it seems like Notre Dame is trying to avoid major programs that they don't traditionally play. Any school would love to put Notre Dame on their schedule because it guarantees ticket sales and exposure. Instead of neutral site games in recruiting shitholes such as New York why not get a game scheduled in recruiting hotbeds like Atlanta, Dallas, New Orleans, etc. against top notch programs. Play Alabama in Atlanta. Play Texas in the new Cowboys Stadium. Take on one of the big 3 Florida programs in New Orleans. Those games help college football and help Notre Dame. Playing Army in Yankee Stadium just smells like shit to me.

"I WANT BABY RUTH!!!"

DAVID BECKHAM LOVES HIS FANS

I think it's about time to give up on the whole "David Beckham is going to make soccer popular in the US" discussion. Even his own LA Galaxy fans hate his guts. If you got laid back LA fans booing and flipping you the bird then you have no chance of winning back other cities such as New York or Chicago.

MICHAEL JORDAN SINKS BIG FLOPPY PUTT

HITLER FINDS OUT TONY ROMO BROKE UP WITH JESSICA SIMPSON

I am sorry but these Hitler skits never get old. I almost lost my breakfast when he mentions Lindsay Lohan taking a dump. Priceless.

BLAST FROM THE PAST-HERSCHEL WALKER

"My god a freshman!"-Larry Munson

There will never be another runningback like Georgia's Herschel Walker. He either ran over you or past you and if you saw big #34 carrying the ball you knew great things were going to happen. Larry Munson gets a chub when he hears the name "Herschel" even to this day. I do too.

BLAST FROM THE PAST-TIM BROWN

I am getting the chills hearing the late Harry Kalas call those catches by Tim Brown. It's too bad NBC can't get a voice that resonates like Harry did for their Notre Dame broadcasts. Just a little over 50 days till college football is back in case you are counting. I'm looking forward to seeing Golden Tate, Michael Floyd, and Armando Allen channel their inner "Touchdown Timmy" this season starting September 5th.

RANDOM JOKE

Guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd

realize I was talking to the sheep."

HT: Jeff


"BAAAAAHHHHHH"

NOTRE DAME GRABS ANOTHER FLORIDA RECRUIT IN SPENCER BOYD

Florida high school cornerback Spencer Boyd will pick Notre Dame tomorrow over Georgia and Michigan according to the Cape-Coral-Daily-Breeze...

"I talked to Spencer (Tuesday) and he told me he was going to verbally commit to Notre Dame," Cape High coach Mike Goebbel said. "He thought that was the best place for him. He was excited and his parents are excited about it."

Boyd (5-foot-10, 178 pounds) is entering his senior year with the Seahawks. He's expected to play defensive back at the college level after contributing all over the field for the Seahawks since his freshman year.

Boyd is the second Florida cornerback to join the Irish to go along with Lo Wood. Both are 3 star recruits as of this moment but since they picked Notre Dame they should move up a star or two. That was a recruiting joke by the way. A very poor one. It's great to see Notre Dame recruiting the state of Florida now as aggressively as they have California the past few seasons. As we all know the Sunshine State produces a ton of top notch football recruits and anytime you can steal a player like Boyd from Georgia and Michigan then you have done your homework precisely.

Boyd is the 13th verbal commitment for the Irish and the 7th on the defensive side of the ball. If they can finish up with players that they stand a good chance at such as Anthony Barr, Sean Parker, Dion Bailey, David Amerson, and Josh Shaw on the defensive side then it would be a hell of a defensive haul for Corwin Brown and Jon Tenuta.

Go to Notre Dame's Rival page for the most up to date recruiting information.

SALAD ANYONE?

Nah! I will stick with the hot dogs...




Image HT: WWTDD

NOTRE DAME REVEALED IT'S OFFICIAL SHIRT OF 2009

Courtesy of EDSBS.com comes the 2009 version of the Notre Dame student and alumni shirt. "Piss and Moan" seems about right especially when it comes to the older Notre Dame crowd if you dare stand up during the actual game and cheer for the Fighting Irish.

This is why we introduced our new "Tailgate Like A Champion" shirt for 2009. No more pissing or moaning or bitching about the last two seasons. Shut the hell up because Notre Dame is going to be back in full force and ready to kick some serious ass this year. Go away doubters because I don't need your negativity. Grab yourself a beer or two as the shirt suggests and let's get ready to have a great season...

JUST GET HERE ALREADY

Dear College Football,

It's been way too long since we last saw each other. Just the thought of Saturdays in the fall bring me back to those days when we would literally wake up in each other's arms and then go to bed with each other after finishing those 30 packs. Sure I could tell you that you don't mean that much to me and that baseball can fill my insatiable needs while you are gone but then of course I would not only be lying to you but myself as well. I miss you. I need you. Life is hell without you. Please come back. I'm on my knees begging.

Love you,

Matt

P.S.-I attached a little video to show you how much I care and think about you. Just get here already.

TONY ROMO: PRODUCT SPOKESMAN

Tony Romo seems to be recovering nicely from his break up with Jessica Simpson. And by nicely I mean he is plunging in knee deep in road beef all over this great nation.

LOVE ME SOME TACO BELL

It's all about the Roosevelts baby! I love this commercial. If I had a choice to eat fast food every day it would have to be Taco Bell. Of course if I carried out that choice I would be tipping the scales at Andre Smith weight right now. Taco Bell is even coming out with some environmental friendly food...

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

I APOLOGIZE ERIN ANDREWS...

For being a complete idiot the other day when I questioned your weight loss. Last night you proved to know it all bloggers like myself to never question the power of Erin Andrews. If you must punish me I ask you do it while wearing this dress you wore at the ESPY's the other night...



That dress is straight out of a 80's hair band video which is a great thing. Keep it up Andrews.

Image HT: Extra Mustard

ANOTHER REASON WHY COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS GREAT

Because we can have incessant arguments with no real winners or losers about who is better. Take for instance this argument heading into the season. Who is the better safety?

USC's Taylor Mays...


or Tennessee's Eric Berry?...


You be the judge Sportscrack heads. Who would you rather have patrolling your secondary this season? I think I would take Eric Berry but you can't go wrong with either.

ERIN ANDREWS IS ON THE MICHAEL JACKSON DIET

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of Erin Andrews. Ever since she started rocking the television screen during Atlanta Thrashers broadcasts it's been hard to ignore her and for good reason. But seriously Erin eat something. Anything. Ketchup packets if you may. Maybe she is paying homage to Wacko Jacko. God knows she won't have a hard time getting little boys to come to her.

Image HT: TheBigLead

PRINCE FIELDER WINS HOME RUN DERBY

23 total home runs including one that traveled an estimated 503 feet from big Prince's bat got him the win in this year's Home Run Derby. Fielder beat the Ranger's Nelson Cruz by 2 home runs but it didn't have the flair of last year when Josh Hamilton hit 28 home runs in one round. I think Prince is long overdue for a shirt from us. Any suggestions?