Here are your large round mounds of funbags for this fucking great Friday. Be sure to send more in next week to matt@sportscrack.com. Also thanks to everyone who sent in their submissions. It's a tough job to pick out the best of the week but I think I'm up to it. Be sure to vote for your favorite funbags in the comment section. Right now my runaway winner is #4.
And why not throw in a little Kate Upton sideboob action from SI.com...
In case you were wondering what ever happened to the guy who couldn't quite make Color Me Badd back in the 90's well then look no further than Slick Mahony. "Go Grab My Belt" is bound to become this generation's "Dazed and Confused." No truer words have even been more spoken than "Go Grab My Belt You Need A Smackin' Baby!" Right on Slick Mahony.
When he isn't eating grass on the sidelines you can find LSU head coach Les Miles playing a mean game of hoops in his Converse Weapons. ESPN personality Scott Van Pelt hooked him up with the old school 80's-style Magic Johnson kicks and all of a sudden the Mad Hatter is running circles around his kids. The note Van Pelt left said "Now these are some proper kicks right here. I mean-how many wins are these worth? 3 minimum before you eat any grass. I hope all is well in Baton Rouge."
Now if Miles wants to keep the streak going he has to find a way to wear the Converse on the sidelines this fall. LSU is a Nike school but contracts be damned. This is about wins and losses. And all I know is I have a preseason bet that LSU wins the SEC this year and with Miles luck it's going to happen with the old Weapons on his 57-year-old feet.
Via Lost Lettermen via Dr. Saturday
Do I want a pair? Uh yeah.
Chances of getting some? Less than zero.
Adidas just sent these badboys out to Notre Dame for next season and already I am extremely jealous they won't be available to the public. So now I got a figure a way to get my hand on some of these gloves. Any help or tips would be greatly appreciated.
Oh and the moaning you hear is from the old farts, or blue hairs as I call them, who say this kind of stuff goes against tradition.
If you follow Ultimate Fighting or MMA or gay wrestling you should probably know who this chick is. She's an Octagon girl and her name is Arianny Celeste...which rhymes with molest. Coincidence? My penis thinks not.
1. Manti Te'o, Inside Linebacker, Junior-
The Hawaiian Hitman has been a fan favorite ever since his 11th hour signing day decision to go to Notre Dame and spurn arch rival USC. Te'o has had a tremendous effect on the defense with his uncanny ability to read defenses, shed blockers, and crush the ball carrier. In 2010 Te'o led the defense in tackles with 133 and his 21 tackles vs. Stanford were the most by a FBS player since 2007. The thing that separates Te'o from other linebackers in the nation is the passion and the swagger he plays with which is backed up by his performance on Saturdays. No one can ever question whether or not Manti has the heart of a football player. Manti is expected to be 100% from offseason knee surgery and will compete with Boston College's Luke Kuechly as the premier inside linebacker in the college game.
2. Michael Floyd, Wide Receiver, Senior-
Floyd shocked Irish Nation when he decided to come back for his senior season after a tremendous junior season in which he caught 12 touchdowns and had over a 1000 yards receiving. Floyd then put his senior co-captain season in limbo when he was booked for a DUI on the Notre Dame campus. Expected to complete his legal obligations as well as team obligations before the fall coach Brian Kelly has said it is completely up to Floyd to make sure he misses no games in 2011. As one of the top 5 receivers in the college game one could argue that Floyd is by far the most important part of the Fighting Irish offense. Ever since his freshman season Floyd has dominated the college game. The only problem has been keeping him healthy and wearing the Blue and Gold every Saturday. This season Floyd should set all-time ND records in catches, yards, and touchdowns. With his size and strength expect Floyd to shatter those records my midseason.
3. Harrison Smith, Free Safety, Senior-
A year ago people would have scoffed at the notion of the Knoxville, TN native being a top 20 player on the Fighting Irish let alone a top 5. But last year with the emergence of a new coaching staff Smith excelled and was easily one of the best free safeties in the country. His 7 interceptions were the most for an Irish defender since 2002 (Shane Walton's All-American season). Harrison's athleticism has always been through the roof but finally his knowledge of the defensive schemes along with assignments were picked up flawlessly. The fifth-year senior is the only player in Irish football history to record more than 200 tackles, 15 tackles for loss and 15 pass breakups in a career. The 6-2, 214 pound free safety is a legit preseason All-American candidate and will serve as an Irish co-captain with senior Michael Floyd in 2011.
4. Gary Gray, Cornerback, Senior-
While it's almost impossible to find any true lockdown corners in the collegiate ranks fifth-year senior Gray has proven that he appears to be on the cusp after a very productive senior season. Gray is another player who benefitted from first year defensive back coach Chuck Martin who improved both his coverage and tackling. Gray started all 13 games and had 66 tackles along with 7 passes broken up and 1 INT. Gray is not only a great cover corner but he can also step up against the run and stuff the outside. In fact it would be hard to argue that Gray was one of ND's best tacklers last year in terms of form and technique. Coming out of high school in Columbia, SC Gray was considered one of the elite corners in the nation and was a tremendous coup for the Irish. He was heavily recruited by all the SEC schools and at one time was committed to his hometown Gamecocks. This year expect Gray to shoot up NFL draft boards when all is said and done and once again establish himself as one of the elite corners in the game.
5. Darius Fleming, Outside Linebacker, Senior-
In terms of the upperclassmen it would be hard to find a quicker pass rusher than Fleming. Fleming has steadily seen his sack numbers go up every season and would love to double his output from his junior season (6). The versatile outside linebacker can play with a hand down or in a two-point stance in the 4-3 base defense and with his speed and quickness I expect to see Fleming in the backfield a lot during his senior season. Fleming was a heavily recruited linebacker out of Chicago and since he has arrived in South Bend he leads the Irish in tackles for loss as well as sack yardage. With a trio of highly touted freshmen coming in I expect to see them push Fleming to new heights and have a monster senior season.
6. Cierre Wood, Tailback, Junior-
In order for the Fighting Irish to get back to being a BCS Bowl contender they are going to need a healthy and extremely productive season from Wood. Last season Wood took over full-time starting duties with the injury to senior Armando Allen and shined in his limited carries. Wood was ranked as a top 10 player nationally by The Sporting News coming out of Santa Clara HS (CA) and has the big play ability to break off long touchdown runs that haven't been seen at Notre Dame since Julius Jones was in the backfield. In terms of importance one could argue that Wood is the most vital part of the Notre Dame offense with the lack of scholarships at the tailback position. Wood has the extra gear and quickness to also be a threat in the passing game. I expect to see Darius Walker-like production out of Wood in 2011.
7. Trevor Robinson, Guard, Senior-
The former 1st-team USA Today All-American stepped in almost right away at Notre Dame to become only the 5th freshman to start on the offensive line (Sam Young, Ryan Harris, Brad Williams, Mike Rosenthal) in 2008 and the former Nebraska commit has not given up his offensive guard spot since. He has started 27 of the past 35 games at guard and brings a solid base at 6-5, 300 with an appetite to be as aggressive and nasty as any guard in the nation. He has the ability to pull and trap on an inside running play along with a sweep to the outside. His size along with his mobility separates Robinson and it's a testament to the amount of talent ND has that he is only ranked 7th on this list.
8. Zach Martin, Tackle, Sophomore-
The redshirt sophomore from Indianapolis stepped in last year and not only excelled protecting the always important QB's blindside at left tackle but was also very productive in the run game with a push that opened holes for Cierre Wood. I think Martin is one of the most underrated player on the roster because he committed to the Irish early in the process and the state of Indiana isn't known for producing top notch FBS players. If you watch his tape you can tell his technique is sound and he carries a chip on his shoulder which he uses to pancake defensive ends and blitzing linebackers with regularity. Martin in 2 years will be a top NFL prospect at left tackle.
9. Ethan Johnson, Defensive End, Senior-
The 6-4, 300 lb defensive end enters his senior season as the active leader in sacks (12.5) despite playing both tackle and end for the Irish. After sliding to the outside in Bob Diaco's 3-4 in 2011 he managed to up his sack total for the 3rd year in a row along with his total tackles. This year expect the senior from Portland, OR to have a productive season in which he will be more of a run stuffer while also batting down passes with his long wing span on the outside. Johnson has been somewhat underrated since he arrived in South Bend. He missed his senior season in high school after spraining his knee in the first game yet he still managed to start 4 of 13 games for the Irish during his freshman season with 5 tackles for loss. It's not out of the realm of possibility that he and fellow defensive end Kapron Lewis-Moore feel the pressure from the likes of incoming freshmen Aaron Lynch and Stephon Tuitt by stepping up their games and having huge senior seasons to keep their playing time. Competition is always a good thing and with Johnson expect it to push him to new heights in 2011.
10. David Ruffer, Kicker, Senior-
Another modern day Rudy except this walk-on is a legit All-American. Ruffer last year was a finalist for the Lou Groza award after connecting on his first 23 field goals attempts (Notre Dame record) in his career. Ruffer had never even put on football pads till he decided to try out for the Notre Dame kicking job during his sophomore season. The William & Mary transfer student who gained notoriety for kicking for Siegfried Hall in interhall games has gone from walk-on to rock star in less than 2 seasons. His 3 field goals in the Sun Bowl tied an Irish bowl record. He also had 10 touchbacks on kickoffs last season.
Just missed the cut-Tyler Eifert (Tight End), Theo Riddick (Wide Receiver), Aaron Lynch (Defensive End), Kapron Lewis-Moore (Defensive End), Carlo Calabrese (Inside Linebacker)
Image via Twitter
The picture and the headline are perfect. You know right now Tiger Woods is just stewing in his big empty house at all the attention Rory McIlroy is getting. Golf is ready to move on without Tiger and if the guy doesn't get his shit together then he isn't even a top 5 golfer anymore at the age of 35.
It kind of sucks in a way.
This year the PGA Championship comes back to Atlanta Athletic Club. 10 years ago a much younger, drunker version of myself attended with some buddies for the practice rounds and final round when David Toms narrowly beat Phil Mickelson. We went to see Tiger and of course as we got more and more drinks in us we decided to heckle the shit out of him. The liquid courage made us not give a shit. We shouted "WATCH THE CAMERAS" AND "COME ON GUYS" with our best Tiger/Tony Gwynn/Dave Chapelle talking like a white guy voice during his follow through. Basically we were dicks. Now with Tiger questionable he might take that opportunity from myself. Yes I'm older and married with a newborn but I still want to heckle Tiger because I'm still kind of a dick. Thanks Tiger.
But anyways the cover of SI is fantastic and you know all the people in Boston are wicked pissah that the Bruins weren't even mentioned. The Bruins winning the Stanley Cup couldn't even get the front cover over such hot topics as the Women's World Cup and Toronto's Jose Bautista. Kind of pathetic if you ask me.
By the way I'm taking 23-year old Jason Day at 30-to-1 odds to win the British Open. He finished 2nd in the Masters and the US Open and is now up to #9 in the world. He is going to win the British Open. I'm convinced. Place the bet and thank me later.
This is why you go to ESPN for your sports fix. It's because they have on-air talents like Mike Wilbon who are so enthralled with the games they cover that their expertise is regurgitated by the masses who can't think for themselves. According to BustedCoverage Wilbon was taking his son to his first Cubs game vs. the Yankees this weekend. Now granted baseball isn't the most exciting game to watch but you would think a professional like Wilbon who is paid for his opinion on sports could manage to keep his eyes open for his son's first Wrigley experience.
Not so much.
We ain't mad at ya Wilbon. We know you were shotgunning beers with the Bleacher Bums before the game started. It's the only thing exciting about being a Cubs fan. Old Style me bitch!
Don't worry Braves fans. It will be at least another 4-5 years before Jason Heyward is in the Bronx wearing the pinstripes. Just take solace that the Braves are preparing him for his prime seasons in New York before he gets his huge contract. And if you think I'm joking I'm not. Heyward grew up a Yankees fan. Not a Braves fan. We obviously know he loves money. There will be plenty for him up in New York.
Via Andy Gray
And this is why winning the Stanley Cup is the shit. In Vancouver they are literally ripping apart the city as they riot. In Boston on the other hand they are out partying and racking up over a $156,000 in drinks at a bar. It also goes to show you how cheap Boston is. I mean seriously these guys just won you a fucking Cup! Can you not dish out some dough and buy these guys their drinks? Fucking Massholes.
/broke Atlanta Thrashers fan who is extremely jealous that well...you still have a fucking team.
Via DarrenRovell
Chicago's Daily Herald will apparently be looking for a new editor starting today. Instead of acknowledging the incredible domination that 22 year-old "Rory" McIlroy demonstrated at Congressional with a 8 stroke victory they called him "John." Johns are dudes that buy prostitutes. Rory is getting all the free ass the world has to offer for the next...oh...rest of his life.
Here is a twitter picture of Rory slugging some Guinness from the Cup. Awesome.
Yesterday Auburn football players started tweeting out pictures of their brand new championship rings. And in case you were wondering if Auburn was going to keep their BCS Championship kind of low key with all the controversy surrounding Cam Newton well then you don't know shit about the SEC. It's all about the bling!
Kegs N Eggs points out the players received a SEC Championship ring, a BCS Championship ring (which apparently uses the Lombardi Trophy instead of the Sears), and a NCAA Championship ring. I'm not going to lie. All 3 of those rings look sweet. And in case you are wondering they are not real diamonds like the Super Bowl rings. The max value that the NCAA allows per ring is less than a $500 while the NFL rings are worth well over $5000.
Now the question is which ring will appear on Ebay first and by what player? I'm going to go with the SEC Championship ring.
I think Washington Wizards point guard John Wall just proved that not all NBA players are great athletes. How in the holy fuck can you not throw it 60 feet? Pathetic. My eight month old daughter has a better arm. I'm not even bullshitting.
Video via TheNatsEnquirer
Yeah they do things a little differently over in Germany. Could you imagine if they aired this in the States? It would be anarchy. Our infrastructure would collapse. Rape and pillaging all around. But in Germany it's just another boring commercial.
Dirk singing "We Are The Champions" is almost as scary as...
Sloth from "The Goonies" screaming...
This is a new feature I'm going to try out every Friday. Instead of doing a Friday Mailbag which is boring and I'd rather not answer fucking questions from you people (and by you people I mean all races, gender, etc.) so instead we will do the Friday Funbags. This is just a little taste of what's to come. I'm going to need your help though. If you got a great .gif please post them in the comments section below or email them to me. We will be sure to post it next week. Consider it charity for all the SportsCrack heads out there. Hell you might even be able to write it off on your taxes. Enjoy.
Just go ahead and fast forward to the end. It's fairly obvious NBA players aren't good at reading bad jokes. But Dirk will have none of that. He fucking nails a Kardashian joke at the end. Straight up pile drives it and makes a sex tape out of it. Dirk is the German God of Basketball.
You know the old adage "take me out for some peanuts and cracker jacks" has been changed these days in Philly. Today the kids go out and get fingerblasted in the stands. Just clean and pure family entertainment in that downtrodden city up north. Not only can you smell it but you see it.
Video via BarStool
The FX Network has a show called "The League." You may have heard of it. If you haven't seen it please do yourself the favor and rent the first two seasons. You won't be disappointed. Trust me. Don't be an asshole. Rent it now.
Anywho "The League" has come out with a PSA. Actually four of them. Watch and learn as Ruxin tickles the funny bone. Everyone on the show makes an appearance except Pete. I'm kinda curious as to why he was left out. Oh well less thinking and more drinking right? Sip up.
DEMANDS...
IMAGINE...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...
And last but certainly not least a feeling we all get with the thought of no NFL in the Fall. It could get ugly.
FREAKS OUT...
Via @ajcsportseditor
Bubba Watson is quickly becoming my favorite golfer on the tour right now. The guy rocks out in overalls for boy bands and now he has the balls to wear the camo at Congressional. It's only a matter of time before he says something really controversial. Go Kenny Powers on us Bubba. Golf needs more characters like Bubba. Fuck Tiger!
It's been at least 5 years since I have read "Moneyball" and still I am confused why a movie would ever be made of it. I mean it's not the most exciting, gripping story you will ever read. It's for baseball nerds like myself. It's about Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane bucking the old fashion MLB scouting system which values power and batting average and instead valuing on-base percentage and team speed. I mean it's not exactly historic or exciting. I'm sure Brad Pitt will do an excellent job portraying Beane and Jonah Hill will play a stat nerd flawlessly but I honestly have no desire to see this movie. And I'm a baseball fan.
It's an eventual NetFlix movie for me. What about yourself? Would you pay $12-15 to go see this in the theaters?
Who is Lebron kidding? He's not gonna win a title in the WNBA. He's not manly enough for that league. They would run his ass over. And over. And over again.
Holy shit Zdeno Chara is a fucking Mongoloid! Look at that fucking dude. I'm almost positive he can part seas with his farts. No wonder after the Bruins won the Cup the natives of Vancouver started to riot. They thought fucking Godzilla was invading their country.
But yeah. Fuck Bettman. The guy is a smarmy douche.
Last night the Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks 4-0 to capture their first Stanley Cup in over 39 years. But the real story was the riots that went off shortly afterwards. It's been 18 years since a Canadian team has won the Cup. Apparently America's hat isn't too fond of that fact. Last night Vancouver turned into the Middle East.
Here are some riots footage from Vancouver. People are savages. Go to the 3:00 mark and watch some dude get pummeled because he was trying to protect his store. Crazy.
Here is some guy taking out a Port-a-john...
Flash bang to the balls to the guy wearing the old school Alexander Mogilny Canucks jersey...
And even if you were a Canucks fan who tried to stop the senseless rioting there is a pretty good chance you got knocked the fuck out...
Now I know why Atlanta lost a hockey team to Canada. They take hockey just a tad more serious up there.
All Videos via TheBigLead
From the AJC...
Hello there, and happy Jason Heyward Bobblehead night….which is going to be a pretty good way to punctuate his return from the disabled list.
Update: The Braves announced this afternoon that Heyward had been activated from the disabled list and is in the starting lineup for the first time since May 19. Freeman is out of the lineup as the Braves are going to play it cautious with his strained right oblique. (Lineup: 1. Schafer CF, 2. Uggla 2B, 3. McCann C, 4. Jones 3B, 5. Hinske 1B, 6. Gonzalez SS, 7. Heyward RF, 8. Mather LF, 9. Hudson P.)
Heyward told a person close to him this morning that he’s feeling good and ready to return to the lineup. After two minor league rehab games with Triple-A Gwinnett up in Indianapolis, Heyward traveled back to Atlanta today. Heyward will likely take batting practice before the Braves make a final decision on activating him but he told this person his shoulder is feeling as good as it’s felt in a long time and he’s “ready to get back to the office.”
Heyward might normally have played another game or two for Gwinnett, but the G-Braves are off today and return home for a long homestand.
How do you take this apology if you are Buckeye Nation? To me it seemed sincere even though Terrelle Pryor never admits to what he is apologizing for to Jim Tressel. But at least Pryor did say "sorry" and we still have never heard that from Reggie Bush to the USC program.
I say sorry to all the Buckeye nation and all the Buckeye fans across the country," Pryor said. "I never meant to hurt anybody directly or indirectly with my conduct off the field and I am truly sorry."
Image via UHND.com
According to Brian Hamilton of the Chicago Tribune it has become increasingly clear that All-American wide receiver Michael Floyd won't miss any games in 2011. Can I get a HOORAH ND Nation?
It's increasingly clearer now that Floyd won't miss a game for the Irish this fall.
Not with Irish coach Brian Kelly saying Tuesday he is "very optimistic" about Floyd fulfilling all the requirements that will ensure his return to the field in September. And that means it's more likely than not that the standout receiver suits up for the opener against South Florida.
"He makes one mistake, in terms of how he handles himself, he doesn't play here ever," Kelly said, before a "Football 101" event on the practice fields that benefitted breast cancer awareness and prevention.
"There is no suspension, there is no sit for one game. He's got to live his life the right way. If he does that -- and all the signs point toward he's moving in that direction -- then I expect him to play every game. That's why I've been optimistic."
And Kelly didn't waver when asked for clarification Tuesday: There will be no one- or two-game suspensions stemming from the March arrest. Floyd plays every game, or he plays none.
PGA golfers Bubba Watson, Ben Crane, Rickie Fowler, and Hunter Mahan have joined forces to create the first PGA Tour Boy Band called "Golf Boys." You better watch out News Kids. These aren't some weekend hackers. Bubba needs to keep the no shirt with overalls look for this week's US Open at Congressional. It's pure class if you ask me.
The absolute fright on her face is outstanding. As soon as she blurts out the F word you can just see the horror in her eyes. She realizes her whole career has just gone down the shitter with one little slip up. It's that all too familiar look we have seen from Lebron in the 4th quarter.
If you haven't noticed the newest shirt of ours that has gone viral is the "HEY LEBRON! HOW'S MY DIRK TASTE!" Dallas Maverick's DeShawn Stevenson wore his last night in South Beach while partying with his teammates. Get your shirt today at this link for only $17.
HT to the Big Lead
How can you not root for a guy like Mark Cuban? I know he's a billionaire and a lot of people are jealous of his wealth but the guy is a winner and he is the main reason why the Mavericks have gone from laughingstock to perennial winner and now NBA Champs. You honestly think Dirk Nowitzki would want anything to do with Dallas if Cuban wasn't there? Get real. Congratulations to Cuban and the Mavericks on their first ever NBA Title. You guys deserved it and I was wrong to underestimate you as a team. Now get that trophy a T and T pronto.
Dogs are fucking awesome! This is just further proof that man's best friend are smarter than any cat. Plus will you ever find a cat say "I love you?"
I didn't think so. Cats you better step up your game. It's a doggy dog world.
We are just a couple of weeks away from the Women's World Cup kicking off (I guess that is the right term) in Germany and already the natives are beating our American asses in the all important T & A category. The German national team posed for some candid shots for the German edition of Playboy and hopefully started a war with the other teams. As an American we need to strike back. You hearing me Lindsay Tarpley? Don't make me come over there Amy Rodriguez! It is your patriotic duty to go above and beyond what the German soccer team did. We will not finish 2nd to anybody especially in Playboy spreads. You are proud to be an American right? Well then drop those soccer shorts and prove it. USA! USA!! USA!!!
Via BigLead via DailyMail
If you live down in Miami you probably opened up your newspaper this morning to see Macy's is selling Miami Heat NBA Champions shirts. Weird. I could have sworn the Dallas Mavericks won last night. Let me check. Yep. Right there. The Mavericks and Dirk Nowitzki won their first ever NBA Title. Fucking Macy's is just rubbing it in the Heat's faces. Even they don't like Lebron.
And I am rock hard. Holy shit these uniforms are sweet! I know some of the old traditionalists are going to be pissed off about the helmet but I love the shamrock on them. Notre Dame is going to be jacked up when they come out versus Michigan wearing these jerseys.
