AUSTRALIAN WOMEN'S FINAL SPANKING..UM OPEN SET

So there is a reason why God invented tennis after all! The Australian Open Women's final will match the two sexiest women on the tour with Ana Ivanovic squaring off against Maria Sharapova.

Some of you, oh hell, probably all of you don't know that I have actually met both in person before. No, not between the sheets only because I don't date tall women. I actually work tennis tournaments selling the official merchandise when I'm not blogging(I know tennis is gay, trust me I know this already) but one of the perks of being one of the official sponsors is getting to go to the Player parties. Free booze and food with a bunch of foreigners is basically what it is like. Trust me I'm not complaining. Anyways I got to meet Maria Sharapova a few years back in San Diego while me and a buddy were setting up shop for one of the upcoming tournaments. First thing you notice is she is a very good looking person with a very athletic and tone body obviously. The second thing you notice is how freaking tall she is. I'm talking Rebecca Lobo tall. But the third thing you notice and I'm sure it probably doesn't matter to a lot of men out there but it sure as hell bothered me...she has horrible B O. It's like a mixture of dead fish and Clorox. Withstanding the smell I got a picture with her and chatted shortly and she seemed like a real nice girl with horrific body odor. So I wondered if I caught her on a bad day. We all have those days when we smell like a hobo covered in whiskey. I call it confession while some others may call it being hungover. But getting on with it I somehow forgot about the B O until I was working a tournament down in Delray Beach, FL. I started talking with one of the linesman who I run into all the time at these events and he mentioned how Sharapova's nickname on the Tour is "Stinky." He tells me that the chair umpire can smell her disgusting funk while she is sitting during change overs. I'm not bullshitting either. He tells me all the linesmen, women included, can not stand to be around here because her smell brings back memories of salt n vinegar chips. So basically I can't even imagine what kind of stink is down you know where.

So in the one corner you have the hot "Stinky" and in the other corner you have Ivanovic. I have no good stories about Ivanovic other than she blows, I say this with as strong of conviction as possible, better yet destroys Sharapova in the looks and smell department. Maria smells like a cumdumpster but Ana smells like an angel. There really is no comparison. It's like trying to compare Joe Montana to Dan Marino. Sure they are both extremely talented Hall of Fame QB's but Montana always had that "It." Ivanovic has "It" in all the good ways. Everything from the naked eye is good from head to toe on Ivanovic.

But yeah, Sharapova's stinks. So tell me now, after hearing of Maria's funky smell, who you rooting for in the Australian Open?

Exactly.

CONTINUED GOOD SEX TO YOU TOO!

I have no idea who the coach is or the announcer but it makes for great television when somebody screws up like this. The last thing I have on my mind after watching 7 foot dudes play basketball is sex. That and the Ellen Degeneris show totally ruin it for me.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

ADDING SOME CRACK TO SPORTS

I'm sorry if you have a weak stomach and I know it's still a little early to see kids cracking bones but I have earned the right to post this video. Considering I have two rods and 21 screws in my left leg from a football injury more than two years ago gives me the right to post card. I feel bad for the kid of course. Hopefully he doesn't take a long time to recover from it like Alabama WR Tyrone Prothro. Okay, with that being said I'm going to go throw up now.

USC LANDS 2009 #1 RECRUIT MATT BARKLEY

USC continued their west coast stranglehold on football recruiting yesterday by securing the commitment of the #1 player in the 2009 class in Matt Barkley. Barkley is a 6'3 quarterback out of Mater Dei High School in Santa Ana, CA who has long been rumored as a USC lean. Only a junior in high school, Barkley is considered more advanced at his stage than past Mater Dei graduates in Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. By advanced I mean he can throw a mean spiral while jerking off 7 times a day. Those were the days!

Barkley will join a crowded USC QB rotation in 2009 with Mark Sanchez(will be a redshirt senior), Mitch Mustain(redshirt junior), and Aaron Corp(redshirt sophomore) all with good chances of coming back. Even with the addition of quarterback guru and new offensive coordinator Norm Chow to UCLA it did not even come close to fazing Barkley's decision:

"With all the success USC has to offer, I feel it's the best opportunity to grow as a quarterback," Barkley said. "The competition is like none other. I've always loved USC and I wanted to get the burden of the recruiting process over before I start back with Mater Dei football."

So USC has already started recruiting and landing premier commitments before the 2008 class has enough time to let the ink dry on their enrollment papers. Barkley is now their 6th pledge(all from California) in the 2009 class with 5 of them being rated at least 4 stars according to Rivals. In other words the recruits are not worried about possible sanctions coming down on Southern Cal anytime soon. Their reason is simple: The NCAA's vagina is too puckered and wet with money rolling in to even consider disciplining a school like USC who allows a student-athlete to receive $300,000 worth of benefits while enrolled.

In essence, USC has made the NCAA their bitch because they bring in the most money out West. Good for them but bad for all the little schools out there trying to compete.

RAVENS TAKE ANOTHER STEP BACK WITH CAMERON HIRING

The only way Cam Cameron can ever make amends for his enormous goof of drafting Ted Ginn over Brady Quinn is if he convinces Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome to trade for Brady Quinn. The Ravens would need to give up their first round draft pick plus a third in all likelihood but it would be well worth it. I really hate this hiring of Cam Cameron to be the new offensive coordinator in Baltimore. The guy won a single game last year as a Dolphin's coach and obviously knows little about evaluating talent. The Ravens have had a shit offense for almost a decade now despite having one of the best left tackles to ever play the game and a 2000 yard rusher/felon. Cameron will not help. Thankfully there is not another Ginn coming in the draft this year or you know Cameron would be on bended knee with one hand cupped and the other ready to go to work.

In other NFL related news, the Falcons apparently are set on hiring Jacksonville D-coordinator Mike Smith to be their new head coach. I honestly had never heard of the guy before today so I can't give any opinions other than the Falcons continue to bring in no name guys including GM Thomas Dimitroff from the Patriots last week. Dimitroff was a college scout for the Patriots and was interviewed via teleconference. He wasn't even an assistant to the assistant GM while with the Patriots but now he is a full time General Manager for the Falcons. God bless the Falcons and their ass backward ways. Of course they can make amends by trading for Brady Quinn. Have I mentioned I like this Quinn fellow at all?

TERRELLE PRYOR LOVES HIS NEW CORVETTE

High school football star Terrelle Pryor(pictured above) has been seen in a shiny new Corvette courtesy of a Buckeye loyalist. This according to Brian Cook over at Mgoblog. It seems like Michigan fans are already embracing the incoming storm of losing the electric Pryor due to a little NCAA rule infraction of "arch rival Ohio State supporters giving cars to entice recruits to fuck us over for another 4 years" theory. It's rumor mongering at it's best and it is sure to get ugly considering how much a player of Pryor's ability could change the fortune in the series among the two hated schools.

In other less interesting and some what who gives a rat's ass news in recruiting Florida has now replaced Notre Dame atop the #1 incoming recruiting class according to Rivals.com. This is in large part due to a very large man switching commitments in Omar Hunter. The 5 star defensive big rig of a tackle was previously locked into Notre Dame before Urban Meyer convinced him to come down to Gainesville. All is fair in love and war but it appears that University of Florida officials are now looking into potential violations by the Liar.

Florida athletics officials are continuing to review potential secondary violations committed by football Coach Urban Meyer in his recent recruitment of junior college wide receiver Carl Moore and his girlfriend, gymnast Maranda Smith.

"We are in information-gathering mode," UF senior associate athletics director for compliance Jamie McCloskey said Tuesday afternoon. "And we're going to see where that takes us."

Two more weeks are left before National Signing Day so expect a lot of mud being thrown with a belly full of pissing and moaning from all facets of college football fans regarding decisions made by 17 and 18 year olds. And yes, I am one of them.

REDNECK BEER ADS

If you don't laugh and get offended please leave already. Redneck advertising makes the world a more spiritual place. I have new found respect for Brad Pitt now. Sure he has nailed Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston but this commercial gets him extra points in my book.

DANA JACOBSON SITS FOR BEING HERSELF

I really didn't want to talk about Dana Jacobson and what she may or may not have said during the Mike and Mike Roast last week but I feel some people may want to know how I feel. As a Michigan man in which clearly Jacobson demonstrates everyday by spouting bullshit on "First Take" it is hard for me to get mad or offended by some dude who allegedly says "Fuck Notre Dame" followed by "Fuck Touchdown Jesus" and then ending her drunk rambling humiliation with the appropriate "Fuck Jesus" remarks. Living in the South I hear this almost everyday from SEC fans. I've gotten so use to it that it doesn't bother me anymore and I actually get a good laugh out of it. Besides it was a roast for heaven's sake. If Jacobson wanted a good laugh she would have just dropped the pants to reveal her wrinkly balls. Now that would have been funny. Anyways, ESPN is not happy with the Michigan grad and has dropped a verdict on her thanks to some pressure from Catholic guy I've never heard of....

Sources have confirmed that Jacobson, a co-host of "First Take" on ESPN2, currently is serving a one-week suspension because of her behavior at a Jan. 11 roast for ESPN Radio personalities Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic at Atlantic City, N.J.

While declining to confirm Jacobson had been suspended, ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said, "Her actions and comments were inappropriate and we've dealt with it."

So there you go. Jacobson is suspended for saying something stupid while clearly intoxicated. We have all done it. Blackouts happen to the best of us. Only Jacobson decided to do it in front of a big audience while working for a Disney entity.

Don't feel bad for Jacobson, supposedly she is getting some side work as a character in Hollywood named "T-Rex":
Clearly T-Rex is inspired from the ghost of Bo.

DAN PATRICK PICKS GIANTS ON LETTERMAN SHOW

Since he left the World Wide Leader a few months back it seems ESPN has not been the same. Haha, just kidding, nobody watches ESPN anymore right? Versus Channel has the best sports coverage and you can't beat The Best Damn Sports Show for late breaking sports insight.

So Dan Patrick now has a column in Sports Illustrated. A magazine nobody buys anymore unless a teenager buys the Swimsuit issue to have masturbatory sessions with his trusty tube sock nearby. Or if your team actually wins a championship then maybe you buy the magazine. I wouldn't know since none of my favorite teams have won a championship since coke was rocking Wall Street back in the forgettable 80's. These aren't tears of despair budding because of sports related depression right now, I just need to stop cutting these onions while typing.

This was vintage Dave Letterman. Always a step ahead and ready to land some quality jabs of jokes leaving the guest floored by their minuscule talent in comparison. Patrick never had a chance once he tried to make a golf shoe joke. People who play golf go to bed by 10 in order to wake up for their asinine 7 am tee time. They don't watch Letterman because it's past their bedtime.

I'm starting to side with Patrick on the Giants pick. At least I know for sure I'm taking the Giants with the points. The current spread of 12 is way too high right now. The Patriots haven't covered in a long time, I think something like once in their last 9 I believe. Screw it, I'm picking the Giants as the dog. If Patrick thinks they can win then that is good enough for me. The guy worked for ESPN so he must know everything about sports. It looks like the Giants are the Sportscrack nation's favorite too. Great minds think alike.

Video HT: Awful Announcing-a great blog by the way.

REGGIE BUSH LOVES FREE STUFF AND WHORES

Reggie Bush was recently spotted at the Sundance Film Festival with his girlfriend Kim Kardashian, otherwise known to the free world as "The Big Ass Sex Video Whore." No, not Paris Hilton. Think of Kim K. as the brunette version of Hilton. Anways, Bush had some interesting things to say to SI's Arash Markazi:

"Getting free stuff is the best," said Bush, who wasn't allowed to address the allegations against him at a party he hosted Sunday during the Sundance Film Festival. "Getting free stuff is the greatest. They have a lot of great stuff here like watches and jewelry. I can't believe you just walk in there and they're giving it away for free. It's crazy. I Iove it."

Hmmm, you would think Bush was used to getting free things while at USC. He and his family managed to receive almost $300,000 worth of "free stuff" while the NCAA and USC had their heads buried in the beautiful Southern Cal beaches looking for O.J.'s missing glove. Listen, I just finished reading Tarnished Heisman today and found out some very interesting things about Bush. First off he managed to get himself in a horrible situation by accepting money and gifts from a convicted felon while playing tailback at USC. The felon's name is Lloyd Lake who apparently wanted to start a legitimate sports agency with Bush as his partner and lead client. Lake and his business partner Michael Michaels gave hundreds of thousands of dollars in free rent, plane tickets, meals, cars, electronics, furniture, etc to Bush and his family(mom, stepfather, and brother) with the assurance Bush would be signing with their projected business known as New Era. I can save you the read and tell you that Bush and his family fucked them over by signing with agent Michael Ornstein who also allegedly was giving a lot of money to the Bush family at the time.

Bush was playing the field so to speak by using people and their trust in him in order to get materialistic possessions and trips. Bush is by all regards a street hustler. He knows how to work sides in order to get what is best for him and his family. He basically is a Scott Boras wannabe with the incredible exception of owning a huge amount of athletic talent that is rare to see even these days. I'm obviously not a fan of USC but I have always had a respect for Bush and his amazing ability to change the game whenever he touches the pigskin. But after reading "Tarnished Heisman" I have lost all respect for him as a person. He extorted a lot of money while playing college football and then thought he could get away with it by not paying back the money he took. What even further amazes me is the fact that Pete Carroll and his coaching staff knew nothing of his improprieties. One of their biggest stars at the time with Matt Leinart and yet they knew nothing they claim.

The NCAA is investigating the matter as I write and I believe the evidence to bust USC and Bush is hidden deep inside Kardashian's huge dirty ass. Either that or a couple of diamond encrusted watches with some Ray J spackle holding it in.

SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A-ROD OFFERS YOU A DRINK

Those Canadians are geniuses if you ask me. In fact their marketing people are so good they know not to use hockey players for the commercial because like ESPN tells us nobody watches hockey these days. So what was your first thought when you saw this commercial? For me it brought back memories of high school while playing basketball tripping on acid. For some reason my dribble skills sucked but my jump shot was a thing of beauty...especially in slow motion.

Video HT: Every other sports blog out there.

FU URBAN MEYER

As you already know I have a little place in my toilet reserved every day for the current Florida Gators head football coach. Some call him Urban Meyer but I prefer to call him Urban Liar while I pretend to squeeze out a fresh Osi Umenyiora on his face. This guy has absolutely no morals when it comes to recruiting. Take for instance his recent recruiting loss of top rated CB Patrick Johnson to LSU. Instead of taking the loss in stride he went to the NCAA and ratted out the kid regarding the validity of his ACT scores...

Johnson said Florida, one of his top three choices (along with Florida State) before he settled on LSU, questioned his academic eligibility with the NCAA. ACT officials subsequently reviewed his test results and "flagged" the October score.

"I'm not upset," Johnson said. "Florida made an issue about the ACT score. They're cowards. They had to go behind my back. But that's OK. We play them this year (on Oct. 11 at Florida)."

So now Johnson might not be able to enroll till the summer at LSU because Florida questioned his ability to improve his ACT scores by 5 points. Meyer is a litte bitch who needs to learn that when you lose a recruit you deal with it by wishing the recruit well and not by Bogarting him once he decided he didn't want to play for you.

Wants some more shady Meyer tactics, well check out what he had to do in order to recruit JUCO WR Carl Moore...

In short, Meyer was recruiting junior college receiver Carl Moore, who attended Sierra Community College in Placerville, Calif., along with his girlfriend, Maranda Smith. Smith had competed for UCLA's gymnastics team in 2006, but quit after an injury.

Once Meyer realized he wasn't going to sign Moore without Smith attending Florida as well, he contacted Florida gymnastics coach Rhonda Faehn for help. She just happened to have a scholarship available. The couple are now Gators, with Smith scoring a 9.775 on the uneven bars in exhibition Friday.

So essentially Meyer broke another NCAA rule by recruiting an athlete for another sport, in this case qymnastics, in order to secure a commitment from Moore. Here is the rule in case you are interested.

Throw in this along with Meyer getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar during the BCS Championship and his blatant lie to Jevan Snead that Tim Tebow was being recruited to play linebacker and you have to wonder how a guy with his lack of morals and integrity could be counted on as a leader of young men in the college game. The guy also loves to throw his players under the bus because he can't stand up and take a loss upon his shoulders.

He sounds like a shady used car saleman. Somewhere Arthur Blank is plotting a way to get Urban to coach his Falcons.

TOM BRADY CAUGHT FAKING INJURY, HANGING OUT WITH GISELLE'S EX

According to PAGE 6 Tom Brady was spotted last night at a New York club without his cast(whom I presumed was tired after being used and abused as a sex toy for Giselle, lucky cast son of a bitch!). Apparently Brady is faking the injury like I proclaimed earlier today in order to toy with all the psycho New Yorkers out there who wet their diapers as soon as somebody questions Jeter's manhood. Has Brady not learned anything from Tony Romo in the art of staying out of the spotlight with hot broads these days. And what is up with this little tidbit from Page 6:

The football star appeared to be in no pain as he sat on the top of the seats of the front booth with Gisele’s ex Leonardo DiCaprio, actors Lukas Haas and James DeBello, and a group of pretty girls.

I know DiCaprio is a big star and all but there is no way in fucking hell I would be sitting down chit chatting with my current girlfriends ex-boyfriend. Call it lack of self confidence or whatever but I don't think I could handle the idea of some other dude who has already nailed my girlfriend all across the world in the past by talking and being friendly with him. Especially if I am a Super Bowl winning QB, 3 none the less with looks that get girls wet just by the mention of my name. Brady needs to tighten his shit up. No need for Leo and Giselle to be mingling. They are not friends Tom. They used to be fuck buddies while doing lines of blow off each others privates.

Don't be surprised if Brady dumps Giselle after the Super Bowl and goes on an all-time crazy fuck rampage that hasn't been seen since Jim Morrison ditched Pamela Courson way back in the day.

BELICHICK AND BRADY WORKING VEGAS LINE

Okay I'm sure by now you have heard the big news about Tom Brady. Yes he was seen walking around New York City yesterday with an apparent walking cast on his right leg. This of course was spotted by TMZ.com who apparently hire aspiring paps/photographers/douchebags to follow celebrities and stalk them while taking pictures and asking stupid questions. In other words they should work for ESPN. Call me cynical but I'm not buying this Brady injury. We all know Brady isn't the jealous type given he has the whole world by his cock(or at least Giselle for that matter)so we know he isn't playing the whole Philip Rivers sympathy card for the media.

No, this is a case of Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick working the Vegas line while toying with the fragile ego of Giants fans. This Brady leg injury is about as real as Jeanne Zelasko's dick hitting Kevin Kennedy in the head. I know looks can be deceiving and trust me I still think from time to time Zelasko has a little troll hidden between her legs but come on people, Brady is not injured. The line is way too high right now for Belichick at 12 points and he figured what better way to make the line go down then have his star quarterback fake an injury? Belichick has more money on the Super Bowl than Pete Rose has on Vegas odds of him being reinstated by Bud Selig. Plus he can play mind games with the media and the New York Giants organization. He is giving everybody a false sense of hope.

By the way, how much would you give to be Brady's walking cast? To think you have a chance to see Giselle showering or being used as a possible sex toy. Models are crazy and you know she would be up for something new. This walking cast is going to be more famous than Cindy Crawford's mole by the time the Super Bowl rolls around. Maybe the cast and the mole can meet and have drinks while swapping stories on what famous people like to do in bed. Then they can consult with Zelasko's baby arm and see just how freaky one can get especially working for the FOX network.
"Lucky bastard"

PRINCE AKEEM ENJOYED THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Even mop boys at McDowells were watching the game yesterday which apparently was the highest rated NFC Championship game ever....

MARONEY: I DON'T WANT TO BLOW MY WAD EARLY

I know the guy is excited to play in the Super Bowl or maybe he has seen too much of Giselle running around the locker room but what ever it is Patriots RB Laurence Maroney needs to calm down. This isn't porn, it's football Maroney. Somewhere Peter North is sipping on a Singapore Sling while getting Oreo stuffed by two hotties and thinking "you have no effing idea what's its like bud" while laughing maniacally.

CARL DOING HIS POST GAME ANALYSIS

Courtesy of AdultSwim we got Hot Carl back. I'm not going to lie I've been kind of rooting for the NEW YORK Giants because we get to hear from Carl.

ELI MANNING, PUT ON YOUR SUPERMAN CAPE

Ryan Parker has come out with yet another New England Patriots parody song. I have to admit the songs are rather catchy in a Nelson type fashion. Of course the NFL got it's wish yesterday with the New England Patriots surviving a surprisingly shitty performance from Tom Brady yesterday to extend their record to 18-0, a new NFL record. Bob Kraft might want to put a bronze statue in the form of Kevin Faulk in front of Gillette Stadium. His two clutch catches won the game for the Patriots. Also what happened to LT? For a guy with so much hype and admiration from around the league he sure doesn't show up in big games. Yeah I know he was injured but at least Philip Rivers fought through the pain and showed he is a leader. LT is just a pussy who was too afraid to face rejection and sat after getting two carries for basically no yardage.

The NFL got another Manning in the Super Bowl with Eli getting his chance this season thanks to another crucial Brett Favre interception in overtime. Boston vs. New York in the Super Bowl. I can't fucking wait. My enthusiasm is causing catastrophic bowel movements in my upper rectum. You have to love the play of the Giants defense right now especially with the way the line is controlling the game tempo. Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, and Osi the Pooper could give Tom Brady some headaches in Glendale. Especially if Randy Moss decides to take another day off.

I haven't seen the line yet but I'm guessing the Patriots are 8 point favorites. The Giants have a lot of confidence going into this battle with the close loss 4 weeks ago in the regular season finale against the Patriots 38-35. I think it will be a good game. The Patriots will win but by less than a touchdown.

NFL SUNDAY PREDICTIONS

PATRIOTS 31 CHARGERS 14

PACKERS 24 GIANTS 21

TIM TEBOW PUMPS UP HUBERT DAVIS

I think Hubert Davis went to the "Djimon Houson how to overact 101 class" at UNC. The guy almost popped a blood vessel screaming! Good lord, have a drink and take your meds Davis.

Video HT: Awful Announcing