EMMITT SMITH SHARP AS A WHISTLE

I don't watch the Jimmy Kimmel Show or care to watch any of ESPN's NFL coverage but after seeing this compilation of Emmitt Smith's brilliant analysis they now have a new fan. Smith, the all-time leading NFL rusher must get along with Chris Berman quite well considering how professional Emmitt comes off on air.

On a completely non-related thought, I wonder if Kimmel is still nailing Sarah Silverman because it might be one of the all-time coups for an ugly guy getting a hot girl? Just curious before I leave and drink a few cold ones at Three Dollar Cafe tonight. See you tomorrow as we start celebrating Black History Month.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I just got a good vibe about Coach Petrino from the start: He is straight up and honest about everything,” Ford said.

Okay, I know, try not to laugh but this is a direct quote from a high school football recruit named Elton Ford regarding former Atlanta Falcon's coach and current Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino. "Honest" and "straight up" would not be the first adjectives I would use to describe Petrino but apparently the sly piece of horse dung can still recruit and convince 17 and 18 year olds to come play with him. Ford recently switched his commitment from NC State to Arkansas after Petrino came to talk to him and another Chattahoochee High School(Alpharetta, GA) teammate named Justin Smith this past week.

In fact Petrino is so unbelievably good at deviating words to people he even got Ford's current coach Terry Crowder to believe and fellate his lies...

“My impression of [Petrino] was very high. I was just really impressed with how honest he was with the kids,” Chattahoochee coach Terry Crowder said. “I would have to say he is now one of my favorite head coaches I’ve ever met. I just can’t say enough good things.”

I guess some people will never learn. It's one thing to be an ignorant 18 year old who just wants a football scholarship and can't judge people by their actions but it's a whole other level when an adult coach can't see Petrino through his BS. This would explain why Georgia as a state continually struggles to finish out of the cellar when it comes to national SAT scores. I hope he has fun in Arkansas and learns a lot from Petrino during his two years in Fayetteville.

JON TENUTA JOINS NOTRE DAME STAFF

Former Georgia Tech defensive coordinator Jon Tenuta will replace defensive backs coach Bill Lewis at Notre Dame at an expected new conference on February 8th according to Irish Illustrated. I really don't have much to say to this except that I'm completely shocked and down right giddy a coach the caliber of Tenuta is going to Notre Dame. Tenuta developed a reputation at Tech as an aggressive blitzing at all times coordinator who managed to make the most out of a defense with a good amount of talent but nowhere near the amount he will receive at a school like Notre Dame. I'm not exactly sure what this means for current D-coordinator Corwin Brown(aka ace defensive recruiter) and his future at the program unless Tenuta is taking a step down to be only the secondary coach which would seem really far fetched to me. Brown has been doing an excellent job recruiting for Notre Dame and this year's class he has coming in will be one of the best ever defensively for the Irish and that is in large part thanks to himself and not necessarily head coach Charlie Weis.

Tenuta's defenses since he became the D-coordinator at Tech have been consistently ranked in the top 25 and this past year they led the nation in sacks. Of course 9 of those sacks came against the Irish in the season opener. If this hire does in fact go down it will be one of the biggest coups for Weis in terms of hire since...well...since they hired Brown last season. It terms of immediate recruiting it should be noted that a defensive end/outside linebacker named Keith Wells from Georgia is visiting Notre Dame this weekend. I think the hiring of Tenuta just increased their chances of landing the kid big time since Tenuta is a household name down here in Atlanta especially with football recruits.

I HAVE A NEW FOUND RESPECT FOR CHRIS BERMAN

Hey, we have all been there is what I'm thinking. Someone fucks up and it screws up everything. Some call it premature ejaculation but I like to call it an early Christmas present. And God knows I like to give out "a lot" of early XMas presents.

Seriously could you imagine Berman in a Whoppers Freakout commercial? There would be more curse words thrown out than Coach K at a ref during the North Carolina game.

The video is from eight years ago but somehow, someway it managed to find it's way in our hearts and minds forever. Now if only we can get the Dana Jacobson video we are set for years.

Big ass Video HT: Deadspin

SO NOW THE O'S WANT TO RESIGN BEDARD?

This ass backwards franchise known as the Baltimore Orioles is giving me a serious case of migraines with them now reaching out to Erik Bedard in hopes of resigning him. Are you effing kidding me? Could they have not figured out a long time ago before fielding offers for him for months now that he wasn't going to resign with them unless they are competitive? I don't know why I put myself through this but since today is my birthday I wish Peter Angelos would magically disappear. It would be the best birthday present ever. Then I would go ahead and make the trade of Bedard to the M's for Adam Jones, George Sherrill, Chris Tillman, and Carlos Triunfel. Then I would trade Brian Roberts to the Cubs for Sean Gallagher and Felix Pie. It almost makes too much sense!

Rebuild you idiots!

This calls for a beer, happy January 31st people, the day Angelos left Baltimore...
I have an Irish accent when I drink too much in case you were wondering.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL RECRUITING RUMBLINGS

-The Florida Gators over took Notre Dame to claim the #1 recruiting class according to Rivals.com by securing the commitment of defensive end William Green(pictured on the right). Green is rated as a top 10 defensive end in the country by Scout, Rivals, and ESPN but is a bit undersized at 215 pounds coming out of Hoover High School in Alabama. Yes, the same Hoover that was featured on MTV. Green is the 5th defensive linemen to join the Gator's 2008 class which features the likes of
Omar Hunter and Earl Okine. I can't confirm the rumor of Florida coach Urban Meyer promising Green a room full of midget prostitutes in order to make him feel like the "big" man on campus.


-Speaking of Notre Dame, horrible transition but do you really expect anything less here, they have two recruits coming in this weekend. Keith Wells(pictured left) out of Gainesville, GA is a top 20 defensive end who was previously committed to Florida State. He recently reneged on his commitment and has now been told when he visits ND this weekend with his mom he will be offered a scholarship. It may be a little too late though for the Irish considering they are getting in late with Wells and he seems to be a strong Ohio State lean at this point. Let's just say his chances of being Irish are 25%. The Irish could use him to finish the class off strong especially since the depth at defensive end is weak with a bunch of unproven players coming back next season.

The other recruit visiting this weekend in South Bend is RB Milton Knox out of California. Knox is good friends with current Irish commit QB Dayne Crist and just recently got the go ahead from ND's strict academic department once his ACT scores came up. Currently a soft verbal to UCLA, Knox has drawn comparisons to the Jaguars Maurice Jones-Drew with his build and size. Knox at this point seems to be really gun-ho about visiting ND and has waited a long time to get approved for a scholarship offer from Charlie Weis and his staff. If his visit this weekend goes as planned there is a good chance he will sign with Notre Dame next week. He would join Jonas Gray(more of a downfield runner)at the RB position in the current 2008 class and can also return kicks. Also if Knox signs with Notre Dame they would overtake Florida for the top spot in the mythical recruiting National Championship given the Gators don't bring in anybody else.

-According to Bucknuts.com the Ohio State Buckeyes will not sign RB DeVoe Torrence. Apparently this discussion has been going on for weeks and it has to do with character issues...

For weeks there has been speculation that the 6-2, 210-pound Torrence – considered one of the nation’s top prospects – would not sign with Ohio State. There were ongoing off-the-field concerns with Torrence, the younger brother of OSU freshman wide receiver Devon Torrence.

Bucknuts.com recruiting expert Bill Kurelic confirmed those reports Tuesday night. In a post on The Front Row message board, Kurelic wrote, “I have received confirmation this evening on Devoe Torrence. Sources have confirmed to me tonight that the Buckeyes will not sign Torrence.”

Torrence was the only tailback expected to sign in the class but Buckeye fans shouldn't worry since they have 4 already on scholarship coming back led by Beanie Wells.

-And finally the latest with Terrelle Pryor. Pryor's QB coach recently stated he thinks the Buckeyes are the favorite to sign Pryor because of his interaction with current Ohio State commitments down in San Antonio during the All-American game. If Pryor signs with Jim Tressel I can only imagine how Brian Cook would react over at MGOblog. Things would be extremely ugly for the Wolverines and new coach Rich Rodriguez if they don't land Pryor because none of the current QB's on their roster can run or are suited to run a spread offense. Maybe this is the reason why DickRod doesn't want to pay West Virginia his buyout clause since he needs the dough to land Pryor. Just a thought. It's not like that kind of stuff happens with the #1 recruit in the nation who could virtually determine whether or not a coach has success at his current program.Nothing to see here people!

WHOPPER FREAKOUT (GHETTO VERSION)

NSFW BY THE WAY...

This should be the Super Bowl version of Whopper Freakout. It would cause so much controversy and everybody would be talking about it. Of course Burger King would get sued but the publicity would override the embarrassment in my opinion. We need commercials like this. They are too funny. And don't give me the race angle because every beer commercial makes fun of fat lazy white guys and I don't get offended.

TWINS TRADE SANTANA TO METS

Well I be damn, the Mets stepped up and got themselves a #1 starter ace in the prime of his career. According to the USA Today the Minnesota Twins have reached an agreement to deal star pitcher Johan Santana for four minor league Met's prospects. There are some logistics to the deal which need to be hammered out before it is done...

The deal is pending the Mets and Santana reaching agreement on a six- or seven-year contract extension and that Santana passes a physical; they have been granted a 48 to-72-hour window to do so. Santana has a no-trade clause that he will waive if agreement is reached on a contract extension.

The Mets paid a high price in prospects to land Santana, agreeing to send the Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez and pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey.

No need to worry Twins or Mets fans, the deal should go down because the Twins don't have a jackass owner like Peter Angelos screwing with the front office. The Mets needed an ace bad and I can't think of a better one than Santana at this moment. I hate to say it but I think this makes the Mets the favorite to win the NL East next year. Santana should be good for at least 18 wins in the less talented National League. Also he will have a way better lineup backing him up at Shea than he ever had pitching in Hefty Bag Stadium.

The Twins pick up 4 good prospects with Gomez having the highest ceiling according to most scouts. I am a bit surprised the Twins couldn't get the Met's #1 prospect in Fernando Martinez. But it appears on paper they found a replacement for Tori Hunter in Gomez who should start right away in the outfield. Humber, Guerra, and Mulvey are all quality young arms who were all rated as top 10 prospects in the Met's organization.

UPDATE: Peter Gammons was just on ESPNews Breaking News Update and said "his sources" told him Santana was traded to the Mets. Of course he gave no credit to USA Today for actually being the source. He also mumbled some garbage about Erik Bedard and Brian Roberts being traded by the end of the week. Okay old timer, go take a nap after you remove Theo Epstein's penis from your mouth.

MY NEW HAIRCUT

I just watched this for the first time and I can't get over it. The world needs smooth talkers like this so all of us ugly people can get some once in a while. Or prostitution. Whatever floats your boat.

PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE TRUE

Talks between the Seattle Mariners and the Orioles about a trade involving ace pitcher Erik Bedard are at a standstill.

A source familiar with the negotiations said a potential deal is being held up on the Orioles' end and unspecified complex issues still need to be resolved for the trade to go through. One of those might be Orioles president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail getting the approval of club owner Peter Angelos.

Just another terrible soul wrenching day to be an Orioles fan. Actually make it a decade. I don't know if it's completely true but it appears Peter Angelos, aka Lucifer, is again putting his slimy fingers around the Orioles organization and allowing them to sink even further into the AL East abyss. I have tried to stay away from the Bedard trade talks for the past month because there have been so many rumors and innuendo about where he was going and what he was going to bring back in trade. But this trade scenario between the O's and the Mariners seemed to be all wrapped up and ready for the dickface owners stamp of approval and yet 48 hours later we still have no deal.

If you are not an Orioles fan you might not get the shit we have to go through every season with Angelos as the owner. We have the best ballpark in the game yet we have one of the worst teams on the field because Angelos interferes more often than Michael Irvin does blow. The O's have a trade set in place with the Mariners in which Bedard who is going to leave for free agency after the 2009 season anyways goes to Seattle in exchange for an up and coming stud CF in Adam Jones and 4 other pitchers(relief pitcher George Sherrill, right-handed minor leaguers Chris Tillman and Kam Mickolio, and left-handed minor leaguer Tony Butler).

Point blank: The O's need this trade to build more high end depth in their minor league system. Whether or not they still have Bedard is not going to make them a playoff contender this coming up season. In fact they will be extremely lucky if they don't finish last in the AL East with their current roster. So trading Bedard right now while he is a hot commodity for some young elite talent is essential for the O's in the long run because they are not going to contend this season. But Angelos is apparently balking at the deal that new GM Andy MacPhail set in place with the Mariners.

This is why everyone in Baltimore hates his guts. As astute of a lawyer and a businessman as Angelos clearly is(you don't get as many hundreds of millions by pure luck) he is equally diluted with horrible baseball sense. He should let the people he hires to make the baseball decisions do their jobs. MacPhail is a well respected baseball mind who knows what he is doing. At least I hope he does. Anyways, the O's need to reload in young talent and MacPhail started the plan with the Miguel Tejada trade which brought back 5 younger players to fill holes. He is stocking up quality arms and now hopefully quality position players in order for the O's to be a contending ball club for 2010 and beyond. I repeat the O's will not contend this year or in 2009 with their current roster. But they can in the future if they make this trade with Seattle and then trade Brian Roberts to the Cubs. That is a whole other conversation.

So I am down on my knees begging Angelos to get his ugly head out of his disgusting ass and let this trade happen. Don't be an asshole Peter, do the right thing is what the dwindling hundreds of thousands of Oriole fans want. Make it right and sign off.

Or die... whatever.

LEBRON JAMES ISN'T AN OSCAR THE GROUCH FAN

I really can't blame Lebron for taking out his frustrations on a trashcan after losing a close one to Phoenix. His teammates are garbage. Expensive garbage. Lebron was clearly stating he hates his mates by kicking the trashcan which represents the way they play every single night. Or maybe Oscar the Grouch really freaked him out as a kid.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

The Most Ridiculous Super Bowl XLII Props

Go check out VegasWatch for some of the best props to bet on for the Super Bowl. One of my favorite ones is this:

3. Who will the MVP of the Game thank first? (Bodog)
Teammates, 2:1
God, 5:2
Family, 2:1
Coach, 5:1
Doesn't thank anyone, 6:1

So what happens if Randy Moss wins the MVP? Actually I sincerely hope he does for the entertainment value. I could just see him looking into the FOX camera and smiling his big million dollar grin. And then with a subtle break and a single tear slowly trickling down he breaks out a British accent and gives us a profound statement like this: "I want to thank that lady down in Florida for getting me focused and making me work that much harder to prove to the world that athletes should not be victims of erroneous charges but instead should be embraced by society and served pudding from stripper's nipples without negative connotations."

But of course none of this will happen because the New York Giants are already flying the accuser, Rachelle Washington, in for the game to roam the sidelines thus forcing Moss to stay in the locker room due to the temporary restraining order which states he must stay away from her at least 500 feet at all times. Of course Tom Brady would come to the rescue by firing a pigskin right into her temple. Remember people that Brady is the ultimate team player and wants his immortal 4th championship.

BRADY ANDERSON: PLAYER ON THE INTERNET

As if Baltimore Orioles baseball couldn't get any more embarrassing with meddling owner Peter Angelos still reigning over a franchise without a winning season in a decade, now they have to deal with old stars picking up chicks on the internet. According to the always reliable and accurate TMZ.com they have a friend of a TMZ employee who hooked up with Brady Anderson through the internet. It really isn't a big deal since millions of Americans are hooking up using the web these days but I must admit it is pretty funny that a former MLB star needs to send a picture of his abs to seal the deal. I guess this proves Brady isn't gay.

GEORGIA BULLDOGS PICK UP RB FOR 2009

It looks like a lot of the dominoes are starting to fall now for the 2009 class even with a week left before the 2008 class signs. The Georgia Bulldogs picked up a huge commitment today from ECI running back Washaun Ealey. Only a junior this past season, Ealey knows how to get in the endzone.

ECI running back Washaun Ealey, who scored 58 touchdowns last season, committed on Monday, and so did teammate Dexter Moody, according to Scout.com.

Ealey’s touchdown mark broke the record of 46 set by former Buford and Notre Dame standout Darius Walker. Ealey rushed for 2,982 yards last season, third-most in state history, and was named the AJC’s player of the year.

“He’s a blue-chip, the best high school player I’ve ever seen,” Emanuel County Institute coach Milan Turner said last year.

58 Touchdowns! Dear god that is simply disgusting and if you think of all the talent in the Peach State it really says something that Ealey was picked as the Player of the Year as only a junior. Picking up a tailback with the enormous talent of Ealey was paramount for Coach Richt and his staff. Even though a lot of people think of Knowshon Moreno as a freshman he in fact was redshirted in 2006 which means if he has a big year in 2008 as many have predicted he can enter the NFL Draft. The Bulldogs back up to Moreno next year will be another stud with Caleb King getting a chance to shine. Like Moreno King redshirted his first year on campus.

CARL PREDICTS GIANTS BY 23

Who am I too argue the great philosopher known to the world as "The Hot Carl." Speaking of Tiki Barber I saw him this weekend at the NHL All-Star game. He was drunk and blabbering how Eli can't win shit and that Tom Coughlin loves little boys and has a fetish where he tickles Michael Strahan tell he starts crying for him to "Stop." Tiki is a dick! I say all this because he refused to acknowledge the power of the Sportscrack. Don't mess with a blogger who holds grudges Tiki!

NEW NIKE SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL

It's called Run and for the first time you can view it here exclusively on Sportscrack and a million other blogs run by drunks with tiny penises...

By tiny penis I mean huge enormous man snake of course. Why would I have a tiny member? Just because girls laugh at it doesn't mean nothing. My catholic priest has admired it since I was a little boy. Woops, too much information. Monday's suck ass by the way.

BIG EAST CONFERENCE PRANK CALL

"I was wondering if you have ever placed your balls on one of your player's chin"-PRICELESS. I love shit like this when people prank call these coaches shows. They are so boring in the first place we might as well spice them a little bit. If somebody can get me some info on the new DickRod and Urban Liar show I would love to call into those and assault them with some funny one-liners.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

THE GREATEST TOMLINSON MCFARLANE FIGURINE YET

I know figurines are for children but this LT one hits home for me. Last week I could not believe what my eyes were seeing with LT just sitting on the bench and not trying to play in the biggest game of his career against the hated New England Patriots. Some people say he was seriously hurt and would just be hindering the Chargers if he decided to play. I say he is a gigantic pussy afraid of failure and will never be a Hall of Fame player in my book. When is the last time LT put a team on his shoulders and carried the Chargers to a win? I'm talking a meaningful win. Never.

Anyways you can contribute to the LT Swollen Vagina Fund by buying one at this link.

Hurry, only 2 left!

BEER OF THE WEEK

Since I love to drink and try new beers almost as much as Van Gorder loves to change jobs I figured I would do a new feature of the week for Sportscrack fans. Last night while eating at Taco Mac I tried a new beer called Rogue Juniper Pale Ale. On a scale of 1-10 I would highly recommend trying it, giving it a 8.5. If you live in the Atlanta area I recommend going to Taco Mac and trying it. Currently it is their beer of the month and if you happen to hit it up on a Thursday you get a free pint glass with purchase. Just to let you know how my beer scale works I consider the best beer to be NewCastle Brown Ale. I could live off NewCastle and I'm hoping someday they come out with the mini draught keg like Heineken currently stocks. I would literally buy at least ten of those little fuckers and store them for future late night shenanigans. The worst beer is tough because frankly I have had so many. Busch Light is liquid diarhea in my opinion. Seriously, I used to drink 30 packs of that stuff in college and would have the squirts for days. What a second, the absolute worst beer is Milwaukee's Best Ice. "The Beast" as they call it is an instant hangover. So I will say "The Beast" is a 1 whereas NewCastle is the bomb at a 10.

Anyways, Rogue Juniper Pale Ale goes down very smooth and is not overly bitter. A golden ale color tint and the sweet taste of this fine nectar will leave you thirsting for more. I had two but I could of drank 12 easily if my parole officer wasn't such a dickhead. It's brewed in Oregon by the way and the original name used to be called Yellow Snow. Trust me it doesn't taste like dog piss. Unless dog pee tastes like this Rogue then I'm going to have to bottle Soco and Bailey's(my two labs) hoppy piss and start a new business. So go get you want this weekend and tell me what you think. Also feel free to leave any comments about beers you recommend below in the comments section.

Have a great weekend and please take a load off and grab a beer or 40 and cheer life for it is so sweet! And if your significant other starts giving you shit about farting and burping while you drink tell her it's just natural...

HOLY EFFING COCK AND BALLS

I just got the best present a man could get other being born with an enormous floppy. I'm talking NHL All-Star game tickets mofo!!! And not just any tickets, I'm going to get to sit in a suite with free booze and food. Fear and Loathing among the greatest toothless skilled hockey players in the world. All thanks to my wonderful fiance.

I'm bouncing off the fucking walls right now. I can't wait to see Ilya Kovalchuk and Alexander Ovechkin tear it up on the same line and see them rip some shots in the skill competition. And in case you were wondering hockey is still an official sport with actual players who get paid millions of dollars to beat the shit out of each other on a thin sheet of ice. Plus you don't have to feel sorry for anybody getting hurt because most of them are Canadian. Those beady little eyes with their hockey sticks...

BRIAN VAN GORDER NAMED REALTOR OF THE YEAR

The man of a thousand coaching jobs the past 5 years, none other than the stache himself, new Atlanta Falcons defensive coordinator Brian Van Gorder has been named Realtor of the Year according to Gata.com. Not only has Van Gorder managed to change jobs more often than Lindsay Lohan blows guys for movie roles, but he has also distinguished himself as a real estate agent's wet dream the past 5 years. Since 2002 Van Gorder has moved from Athens as the defensive coordinator for the Bulldogs to Jacksonville for a NFL defensive assistant coaching job. Of course Jacksonville bored the shit out of him so he moved onto Statesboro to be the head football coach at Georgia Southern. After a successful run of nearly destroying a great football program in Statesboro he moved back to the NFL to take an assistant job working with the Atlanta Falcons. But Van Gorder decided he just wasn't cut out to be a linebacker's coach for the Falcons after "only one season(due in large part with sharing the same values of Bobby Petrino) and accepted a position in Columbia, SC to be the new DC for the Gamecocks. After accepting the job and moving his family to Columbia Van Gorder decided college life was the place he wanted to stay for good:

A month ago, VanGorder declared to the Journal-Constitution: "I'm a college guy." When asked if he was sure, he replied, "I've declared. I'm committed."

"I'll enjoy all the things about college football that I always have and I won't look back at the NFL," VanGorder said in December.

"That's something I've put behind. I'm ready to finish my career as a college football coach."

But it doesn't end there for the Realtor of the Year as today Van Gorder decided to come back to Atlanta and be the defensive coordinator for the Falcons after only three weeks on the job in Columbia. But wait a second, "I thought the stache decided the college game was his cup of tea," you ask?

Apparently not. I guess Arthur Blank got his wish in Van Gorder who seems to be a lot more stable than Petrino when it comes to switching jobs. So here is to you Van Gorder as the Realtor of the Year. You alone have kept real estate in the South booming despite all the foreclosures. May your stint be shorter than a Mexican hooker!

Link HT: Gata.com

CLEMSON ADDS TWO BIG RECRUITS

The Tigers apparently can smell blood when it comes to ACC recruiting. Already possessing a top 10 class, Tommy Bowden bolstered a strong group securing commitments from OL Kenneth Page and DT Brandon Thompson. Both are considered top 10 players at their position.

Page is a highly regarded offensive guard prospect from in state and picked the Tigers over Notre Dame, Tennessee, and North Carolina.

"I can't say they were the leaders all along. But in the end, they pulled it out. I see Clemson doing great things."

Reportedly Page's final decision came between Clemson and Notre Dame but staying near home is always a major factor to a recruit's decision along with Clemson being a favorite to win the ACC Championship next season.

Thompson is a beast on the defensive line and delivers good "pop" when coming out of a 3 point stance. Very athletic for his size(6'2, 292 lbs.), Thompson was heavily recruited by all the major programs including LSU, Georgia, and Ohio State. Out of Thomasville, GA, pulling a high end talent like Thompson out of state is a major coup for Bowden and his coaching staff. Pairing up Thompson with early enrollment DE DaQuan Bowers, the #1 rated defensive player in the country according to Rivals.com, on the defensive line could be a potentially hazardous if not deadly force to hit the college football landscape in a long time.

With 22 commitments and 6 already enrolled, Clemson has secured at least a top 15 but could move up to the 7 or 8 mark if they continue to finish strong and sign all their current commits.

DANA JACOBSON KNOCKING DOWN SOME BELVEDERE VODKA

Now that is all class right there. I've heard once you start taking shots of Vodka your balls will drop. I think we can all safely say Jacobson's manbags fell a long time ago.

Picture HT: Deadspin via Baseball Musings

UPDATE: Jacobson never said "F@#* Jesus" according to the Press of Atlantic City article published today. So she only hates Notre Dame and not the Lord himself. Oh yeah, she also is one of Hartford's most eligible bachelors. If you are looking for a lady with an adam's apple as big as her balls well then you found the right person.
Link HT: The Big Lead

AUSTRALIAN WOMEN'S FINAL SPANKING..UM OPEN SET

So there is a reason why God invented tennis after all! The Australian Open Women's final will match the two sexiest women on the tour with Ana Ivanovic squaring off against Maria Sharapova.

Some of you, oh hell, probably all of you don't know that I have actually met both in person before. No, not between the sheets only because I don't date tall women. I actually work tennis tournaments selling the official merchandise when I'm not blogging(I know tennis is gay, trust me I know this already) but one of the perks of being one of the official sponsors is getting to go to the Player parties. Free booze and food with a bunch of foreigners is basically what it is like. Trust me I'm not complaining. Anyways I got to meet Maria Sharapova a few years back in San Diego while me and a buddy were setting up shop for one of the upcoming tournaments. First thing you notice is she is a very good looking person with a very athletic and tone body obviously. The second thing you notice is how freaking tall she is. I'm talking Rebecca Lobo tall. But the third thing you notice and I'm sure it probably doesn't matter to a lot of men out there but it sure as hell bothered me...she has horrible B O. It's like a mixture of dead fish and Clorox. Withstanding the smell I got a picture with her and chatted shortly and she seemed like a real nice girl with horrific body odor. So I wondered if I caught her on a bad day. We all have those days when we smell like a hobo covered in whiskey. I call it confession while some others may call it being hungover. But getting on with it I somehow forgot about the B O until I was working a tournament down in Delray Beach, FL. I started talking with one of the linesman who I run into all the time at these events and he mentioned how Sharapova's nickname on the Tour is "Stinky." He tells me that the chair umpire can smell her disgusting funk while she is sitting during change overs. I'm not bullshitting either. He tells me all the linesmen, women included, can not stand to be around here because her smell brings back memories of salt n vinegar chips. So basically I can't even imagine what kind of stink is down you know where.

So in the one corner you have the hot "Stinky" and in the other corner you have Ivanovic. I have no good stories about Ivanovic other than she blows, I say this with as strong of conviction as possible, better yet destroys Sharapova in the looks and smell department. Maria smells like a cumdumpster but Ana smells like an angel. There really is no comparison. It's like trying to compare Joe Montana to Dan Marino. Sure they are both extremely talented Hall of Fame QB's but Montana always had that "It." Ivanovic has "It" in all the good ways. Everything from the naked eye is good from head to toe on Ivanovic.

But yeah, Sharapova's stinks. So tell me now, after hearing of Maria's funky smell, who you rooting for in the Australian Open?

Exactly.

CONTINUED GOOD SEX TO YOU TOO!

I have no idea who the coach is or the announcer but it makes for great television when somebody screws up like this. The last thing I have on my mind after watching 7 foot dudes play basketball is sex. That and the Ellen Degeneris show totally ruin it for me.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

ADDING SOME CRACK TO SPORTS

I'm sorry if you have a weak stomach and I know it's still a little early to see kids cracking bones but I have earned the right to post this video. Considering I have two rods and 21 screws in my left leg from a football injury more than two years ago gives me the right to post card. I feel bad for the kid of course. Hopefully he doesn't take a long time to recover from it like Alabama WR Tyrone Prothro. Okay, with that being said I'm going to go throw up now.

USC LANDS 2009 #1 RECRUIT MATT BARKLEY

USC continued their west coast stranglehold on football recruiting yesterday by securing the commitment of the #1 player in the 2009 class in Matt Barkley. Barkley is a 6'3 quarterback out of Mater Dei High School in Santa Ana, CA who has long been rumored as a USC lean. Only a junior in high school, Barkley is considered more advanced at his stage than past Mater Dei graduates in Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. By advanced I mean he can throw a mean spiral while jerking off 7 times a day. Those were the days!

Barkley will join a crowded USC QB rotation in 2009 with Mark Sanchez(will be a redshirt senior), Mitch Mustain(redshirt junior), and Aaron Corp(redshirt sophomore) all with good chances of coming back. Even with the addition of quarterback guru and new offensive coordinator Norm Chow to UCLA it did not even come close to fazing Barkley's decision:

"With all the success USC has to offer, I feel it's the best opportunity to grow as a quarterback," Barkley said. "The competition is like none other. I've always loved USC and I wanted to get the burden of the recruiting process over before I start back with Mater Dei football."

So USC has already started recruiting and landing premier commitments before the 2008 class has enough time to let the ink dry on their enrollment papers. Barkley is now their 6th pledge(all from California) in the 2009 class with 5 of them being rated at least 4 stars according to Rivals. In other words the recruits are not worried about possible sanctions coming down on Southern Cal anytime soon. Their reason is simple: The NCAA's vagina is too puckered and wet with money rolling in to even consider disciplining a school like USC who allows a student-athlete to receive $300,000 worth of benefits while enrolled.

In essence, USC has made the NCAA their bitch because they bring in the most money out West. Good for them but bad for all the little schools out there trying to compete.

RAVENS TAKE ANOTHER STEP BACK WITH CAMERON HIRING

The only way Cam Cameron can ever make amends for his enormous goof of drafting Ted Ginn over Brady Quinn is if he convinces Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome to trade for Brady Quinn. The Ravens would need to give up their first round draft pick plus a third in all likelihood but it would be well worth it. I really hate this hiring of Cam Cameron to be the new offensive coordinator in Baltimore. The guy won a single game last year as a Dolphin's coach and obviously knows little about evaluating talent. The Ravens have had a shit offense for almost a decade now despite having one of the best left tackles to ever play the game and a 2000 yard rusher/felon. Cameron will not help. Thankfully there is not another Ginn coming in the draft this year or you know Cameron would be on bended knee with one hand cupped and the other ready to go to work.

In other NFL related news, the Falcons apparently are set on hiring Jacksonville D-coordinator Mike Smith to be their new head coach. I honestly had never heard of the guy before today so I can't give any opinions other than the Falcons continue to bring in no name guys including GM Thomas Dimitroff from the Patriots last week. Dimitroff was a college scout for the Patriots and was interviewed via teleconference. He wasn't even an assistant to the assistant GM while with the Patriots but now he is a full time General Manager for the Falcons. God bless the Falcons and their ass backward ways. Of course they can make amends by trading for Brady Quinn. Have I mentioned I like this Quinn fellow at all?

TERRELLE PRYOR LOVES HIS NEW CORVETTE

High school football star Terrelle Pryor(pictured above) has been seen in a shiny new Corvette courtesy of a Buckeye loyalist. This according to Brian Cook over at Mgoblog. It seems like Michigan fans are already embracing the incoming storm of losing the electric Pryor due to a little NCAA rule infraction of "arch rival Ohio State supporters giving cars to entice recruits to fuck us over for another 4 years" theory. It's rumor mongering at it's best and it is sure to get ugly considering how much a player of Pryor's ability could change the fortune in the series among the two hated schools.

In other less interesting and some what who gives a rat's ass news in recruiting Florida has now replaced Notre Dame atop the #1 incoming recruiting class according to Rivals.com. This is in large part due to a very large man switching commitments in Omar Hunter. The 5 star defensive big rig of a tackle was previously locked into Notre Dame before Urban Meyer convinced him to come down to Gainesville. All is fair in love and war but it appears that University of Florida officials are now looking into potential violations by the Liar.

Florida athletics officials are continuing to review potential secondary violations committed by football Coach Urban Meyer in his recent recruitment of junior college wide receiver Carl Moore and his girlfriend, gymnast Maranda Smith.

"We are in information-gathering mode," UF senior associate athletics director for compliance Jamie McCloskey said Tuesday afternoon. "And we're going to see where that takes us."

Two more weeks are left before National Signing Day so expect a lot of mud being thrown with a belly full of pissing and moaning from all facets of college football fans regarding decisions made by 17 and 18 year olds. And yes, I am one of them.

REDNECK BEER ADS

If you don't laugh and get offended please leave already. Redneck advertising makes the world a more spiritual place. I have new found respect for Brad Pitt now. Sure he has nailed Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston but this commercial gets him extra points in my book.

DANA JACOBSON SITS FOR BEING HERSELF

I really didn't want to talk about Dana Jacobson and what she may or may not have said during the Mike and Mike Roast last week but I feel some people may want to know how I feel. As a Michigan man in which clearly Jacobson demonstrates everyday by spouting bullshit on "First Take" it is hard for me to get mad or offended by some dude who allegedly says "Fuck Notre Dame" followed by "Fuck Touchdown Jesus" and then ending her drunk rambling humiliation with the appropriate "Fuck Jesus" remarks. Living in the South I hear this almost everyday from SEC fans. I've gotten so use to it that it doesn't bother me anymore and I actually get a good laugh out of it. Besides it was a roast for heaven's sake. If Jacobson wanted a good laugh she would have just dropped the pants to reveal her wrinkly balls. Now that would have been funny. Anyways, ESPN is not happy with the Michigan grad and has dropped a verdict on her thanks to some pressure from Catholic guy I've never heard of....

Sources have confirmed that Jacobson, a co-host of "First Take" on ESPN2, currently is serving a one-week suspension because of her behavior at a Jan. 11 roast for ESPN Radio personalities Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic at Atlantic City, N.J.

While declining to confirm Jacobson had been suspended, ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said, "Her actions and comments were inappropriate and we've dealt with it."

So there you go. Jacobson is suspended for saying something stupid while clearly intoxicated. We have all done it. Blackouts happen to the best of us. Only Jacobson decided to do it in front of a big audience while working for a Disney entity.

Don't feel bad for Jacobson, supposedly she is getting some side work as a character in Hollywood named "T-Rex":
Clearly T-Rex is inspired from the ghost of Bo.

DAN PATRICK PICKS GIANTS ON LETTERMAN SHOW

Since he left the World Wide Leader a few months back it seems ESPN has not been the same. Haha, just kidding, nobody watches ESPN anymore right? Versus Channel has the best sports coverage and you can't beat The Best Damn Sports Show for late breaking sports insight.

So Dan Patrick now has a column in Sports Illustrated. A magazine nobody buys anymore unless a teenager buys the Swimsuit issue to have masturbatory sessions with his trusty tube sock nearby. Or if your team actually wins a championship then maybe you buy the magazine. I wouldn't know since none of my favorite teams have won a championship since coke was rocking Wall Street back in the forgettable 80's. These aren't tears of despair budding because of sports related depression right now, I just need to stop cutting these onions while typing.

This was vintage Dave Letterman. Always a step ahead and ready to land some quality jabs of jokes leaving the guest floored by their minuscule talent in comparison. Patrick never had a chance once he tried to make a golf shoe joke. People who play golf go to bed by 10 in order to wake up for their asinine 7 am tee time. They don't watch Letterman because it's past their bedtime.

I'm starting to side with Patrick on the Giants pick. At least I know for sure I'm taking the Giants with the points. The current spread of 12 is way too high right now. The Patriots haven't covered in a long time, I think something like once in their last 9 I believe. Screw it, I'm picking the Giants as the dog. If Patrick thinks they can win then that is good enough for me. The guy worked for ESPN so he must know everything about sports. It looks like the Giants are the Sportscrack nation's favorite too. Great minds think alike.

Video HT: Awful Announcing-a great blog by the way.

REGGIE BUSH LOVES FREE STUFF AND WHORES

Reggie Bush was recently spotted at the Sundance Film Festival with his girlfriend Kim Kardashian, otherwise known to the free world as "The Big Ass Sex Video Whore." No, not Paris Hilton. Think of Kim K. as the brunette version of Hilton. Anways, Bush had some interesting things to say to SI's Arash Markazi:

"Getting free stuff is the best," said Bush, who wasn't allowed to address the allegations against him at a party he hosted Sunday during the Sundance Film Festival. "Getting free stuff is the greatest. They have a lot of great stuff here like watches and jewelry. I can't believe you just walk in there and they're giving it away for free. It's crazy. I Iove it."

Hmmm, you would think Bush was used to getting free things while at USC. He and his family managed to receive almost $300,000 worth of "free stuff" while the NCAA and USC had their heads buried in the beautiful Southern Cal beaches looking for O.J.'s missing glove. Listen, I just finished reading Tarnished Heisman today and found out some very interesting things about Bush. First off he managed to get himself in a horrible situation by accepting money and gifts from a convicted felon while playing tailback at USC. The felon's name is Lloyd Lake who apparently wanted to start a legitimate sports agency with Bush as his partner and lead client. Lake and his business partner Michael Michaels gave hundreds of thousands of dollars in free rent, plane tickets, meals, cars, electronics, furniture, etc to Bush and his family(mom, stepfather, and brother) with the assurance Bush would be signing with their projected business known as New Era. I can save you the read and tell you that Bush and his family fucked them over by signing with agent Michael Ornstein who also allegedly was giving a lot of money to the Bush family at the time.

Bush was playing the field so to speak by using people and their trust in him in order to get materialistic possessions and trips. Bush is by all regards a street hustler. He knows how to work sides in order to get what is best for him and his family. He basically is a Scott Boras wannabe with the incredible exception of owning a huge amount of athletic talent that is rare to see even these days. I'm obviously not a fan of USC but I have always had a respect for Bush and his amazing ability to change the game whenever he touches the pigskin. But after reading "Tarnished Heisman" I have lost all respect for him as a person. He extorted a lot of money while playing college football and then thought he could get away with it by not paying back the money he took. What even further amazes me is the fact that Pete Carroll and his coaching staff knew nothing of his improprieties. One of their biggest stars at the time with Matt Leinart and yet they knew nothing they claim.

The NCAA is investigating the matter as I write and I believe the evidence to bust USC and Bush is hidden deep inside Kardashian's huge dirty ass. Either that or a couple of diamond encrusted watches with some Ray J spackle holding it in.

SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A-ROD OFFERS YOU A DRINK

Those Canadians are geniuses if you ask me. In fact their marketing people are so good they know not to use hockey players for the commercial because like ESPN tells us nobody watches hockey these days. So what was your first thought when you saw this commercial? For me it brought back memories of high school while playing basketball tripping on acid. For some reason my dribble skills sucked but my jump shot was a thing of beauty...especially in slow motion.

Video HT: Every other sports blog out there.

FU URBAN MEYER

As you already know I have a little place in my toilet reserved every day for the current Florida Gators head football coach. Some call him Urban Meyer but I prefer to call him Urban Liar while I pretend to squeeze out a fresh Osi Umenyiora on his face. This guy has absolutely no morals when it comes to recruiting. Take for instance his recent recruiting loss of top rated CB Patrick Johnson to LSU. Instead of taking the loss in stride he went to the NCAA and ratted out the kid regarding the validity of his ACT scores...

Johnson said Florida, one of his top three choices (along with Florida State) before he settled on LSU, questioned his academic eligibility with the NCAA. ACT officials subsequently reviewed his test results and "flagged" the October score.

"I'm not upset," Johnson said. "Florida made an issue about the ACT score. They're cowards. They had to go behind my back. But that's OK. We play them this year (on Oct. 11 at Florida)."

So now Johnson might not be able to enroll till the summer at LSU because Florida questioned his ability to improve his ACT scores by 5 points. Meyer is a litte bitch who needs to learn that when you lose a recruit you deal with it by wishing the recruit well and not by Bogarting him once he decided he didn't want to play for you.

Wants some more shady Meyer tactics, well check out what he had to do in order to recruit JUCO WR Carl Moore...

In short, Meyer was recruiting junior college receiver Carl Moore, who attended Sierra Community College in Placerville, Calif., along with his girlfriend, Maranda Smith. Smith had competed for UCLA's gymnastics team in 2006, but quit after an injury.

Once Meyer realized he wasn't going to sign Moore without Smith attending Florida as well, he contacted Florida gymnastics coach Rhonda Faehn for help. She just happened to have a scholarship available. The couple are now Gators, with Smith scoring a 9.775 on the uneven bars in exhibition Friday.

So essentially Meyer broke another NCAA rule by recruiting an athlete for another sport, in this case qymnastics, in order to secure a commitment from Moore. Here is the rule in case you are interested.

Throw in this along with Meyer getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar during the BCS Championship and his blatant lie to Jevan Snead that Tim Tebow was being recruited to play linebacker and you have to wonder how a guy with his lack of morals and integrity could be counted on as a leader of young men in the college game. The guy also loves to throw his players under the bus because he can't stand up and take a loss upon his shoulders.

He sounds like a shady used car saleman. Somewhere Arthur Blank is plotting a way to get Urban to coach his Falcons.

TOM BRADY CAUGHT FAKING INJURY, HANGING OUT WITH GISELLE'S EX

According to PAGE 6 Tom Brady was spotted last night at a New York club without his cast(whom I presumed was tired after being used and abused as a sex toy for Giselle, lucky cast son of a bitch!). Apparently Brady is faking the injury like I proclaimed earlier today in order to toy with all the psycho New Yorkers out there who wet their diapers as soon as somebody questions Jeter's manhood. Has Brady not learned anything from Tony Romo in the art of staying out of the spotlight with hot broads these days. And what is up with this little tidbit from Page 6:

The football star appeared to be in no pain as he sat on the top of the seats of the front booth with Gisele’s ex Leonardo DiCaprio, actors Lukas Haas and James DeBello, and a group of pretty girls.

I know DiCaprio is a big star and all but there is no way in fucking hell I would be sitting down chit chatting with my current girlfriends ex-boyfriend. Call it lack of self confidence or whatever but I don't think I could handle the idea of some other dude who has already nailed my girlfriend all across the world in the past by talking and being friendly with him. Especially if I am a Super Bowl winning QB, 3 none the less with looks that get girls wet just by the mention of my name. Brady needs to tighten his shit up. No need for Leo and Giselle to be mingling. They are not friends Tom. They used to be fuck buddies while doing lines of blow off each others privates.

Don't be surprised if Brady dumps Giselle after the Super Bowl and goes on an all-time crazy fuck rampage that hasn't been seen since Jim Morrison ditched Pamela Courson way back in the day.

BELICHICK AND BRADY WORKING VEGAS LINE

Okay I'm sure by now you have heard the big news about Tom Brady. Yes he was seen walking around New York City yesterday with an apparent walking cast on his right leg. This of course was spotted by TMZ.com who apparently hire aspiring paps/photographers/douchebags to follow celebrities and stalk them while taking pictures and asking stupid questions. In other words they should work for ESPN. Call me cynical but I'm not buying this Brady injury. We all know Brady isn't the jealous type given he has the whole world by his cock(or at least Giselle for that matter)so we know he isn't playing the whole Philip Rivers sympathy card for the media.

No, this is a case of Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick working the Vegas line while toying with the fragile ego of Giants fans. This Brady leg injury is about as real as Jeanne Zelasko's dick hitting Kevin Kennedy in the head. I know looks can be deceiving and trust me I still think from time to time Zelasko has a little troll hidden between her legs but come on people, Brady is not injured. The line is way too high right now for Belichick at 12 points and he figured what better way to make the line go down then have his star quarterback fake an injury? Belichick has more money on the Super Bowl than Pete Rose has on Vegas odds of him being reinstated by Bud Selig. Plus he can play mind games with the media and the New York Giants organization. He is giving everybody a false sense of hope.

By the way, how much would you give to be Brady's walking cast? To think you have a chance to see Giselle showering or being used as a possible sex toy. Models are crazy and you know she would be up for something new. This walking cast is going to be more famous than Cindy Crawford's mole by the time the Super Bowl rolls around. Maybe the cast and the mole can meet and have drinks while swapping stories on what famous people like to do in bed. Then they can consult with Zelasko's baby arm and see just how freaky one can get especially working for the FOX network.
"Lucky bastard"

PRINCE AKEEM ENJOYED THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

Even mop boys at McDowells were watching the game yesterday which apparently was the highest rated NFC Championship game ever....

MARONEY: I DON'T WANT TO BLOW MY WAD EARLY

I know the guy is excited to play in the Super Bowl or maybe he has seen too much of Giselle running around the locker room but what ever it is Patriots RB Laurence Maroney needs to calm down. This isn't porn, it's football Maroney. Somewhere Peter North is sipping on a Singapore Sling while getting Oreo stuffed by two hotties and thinking "you have no effing idea what's its like bud" while laughing maniacally.

CARL DOING HIS POST GAME ANALYSIS

Courtesy of AdultSwim we got Hot Carl back. I'm not going to lie I've been kind of rooting for the NEW YORK Giants because we get to hear from Carl.

ELI MANNING, PUT ON YOUR SUPERMAN CAPE

Ryan Parker has come out with yet another New England Patriots parody song. I have to admit the songs are rather catchy in a Nelson type fashion. Of course the NFL got it's wish yesterday with the New England Patriots surviving a surprisingly shitty performance from Tom Brady yesterday to extend their record to 18-0, a new NFL record. Bob Kraft might want to put a bronze statue in the form of Kevin Faulk in front of Gillette Stadium. His two clutch catches won the game for the Patriots. Also what happened to LT? For a guy with so much hype and admiration from around the league he sure doesn't show up in big games. Yeah I know he was injured but at least Philip Rivers fought through the pain and showed he is a leader. LT is just a pussy who was too afraid to face rejection and sat after getting two carries for basically no yardage.

The NFL got another Manning in the Super Bowl with Eli getting his chance this season thanks to another crucial Brett Favre interception in overtime. Boston vs. New York in the Super Bowl. I can't fucking wait. My enthusiasm is causing catastrophic bowel movements in my upper rectum. You have to love the play of the Giants defense right now especially with the way the line is controlling the game tempo. Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, and Osi the Pooper could give Tom Brady some headaches in Glendale. Especially if Randy Moss decides to take another day off.

I haven't seen the line yet but I'm guessing the Patriots are 8 point favorites. The Giants have a lot of confidence going into this battle with the close loss 4 weeks ago in the regular season finale against the Patriots 38-35. I think it will be a good game. The Patriots will win but by less than a touchdown.

NFL SUNDAY PREDICTIONS

PATRIOTS 31 CHARGERS 14

PACKERS 24 GIANTS 21

TIM TEBOW PUMPS UP HUBERT DAVIS

I think Hubert Davis went to the "Djimon Houson how to overact 101 class" at UNC. The guy almost popped a blood vessel screaming! Good lord, have a drink and take your meds Davis.

Video HT: Awful Announcing

JEFFREY ROSS ROAST OF MIKE AND MIKE

Jeffrey Ross is hilarious at roasting famous people and in this case the not so famous. I'm still wondering who the "homeless sir" Ross was pointing to in the roast. I got my bets on Dana Jacobson from ESPN. She looks like Brady Quinn's sister on steroids. I see Charlie Weis was sitting next to Ditka. I can only imagine how many endangered whale/ND coach jokes were used by Ross. If anybody finds more footage of the roast please email it to me or post it in the comments.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

HITLER LOVES THE DALLAS COWBOYS

Some people take their favorite team losing real hard. For instance I once drank a bottle of Jack Daniels after Ryan Grant(yes, the current Green Bay Packers RB) fumbled away a game for Notre Dame against Boston College. I couldn't bear the pain of seeing my team lose to an inferior junior varsity team and suffer the humiliation of other people laughing in my face. And yet I still drank a bottle of whiskey. I hate whiskey! But to see Hitler and the way he takes it I think we can all learn a valuable lesson. I know I did...

Hitler was right all along.

Romo's downfall was Jessica Simpson.

Video HT: KissingSuzyKolber

NICK VAN EXEL WATCHING 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP VIDEO

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BOB KNIGHT RECORDS 900TH WIN

Love him or hate him, Bob Knight became the first men's head coach in NCAA basketball to record 900 wins last night. It couldn't happen to a better fuckin' guy. God bless him.

DSRL COMMERCIAL

I love the theme music because it sounds like it's straight out of a 80's cartoon. I have to admit both of the Manning brothers are good at poking fun at themselves. So I'm not going to make fun of them for licking white cream while talking about double stuffing each other. That is just juvenile anyways and here at SportsCrack we don't believe in any sort of jokes at the expense of others just because they are different.

All though I was disturbed at first by the commercial it is starting to grow on me. I still like this Oreo's commercial better...

"Give it time Kevin! It will fill out. I know so."

PRESEASON HOT-TALK WITH DICK PEPPERFIELD

The Ballgirls! Hello Ladies! I had a pancake last night. Her name was Asia and I think she broke my hip last night. But all is fair in love and war I say. Or maybe somebody else said it. I don't know where I'm going with this but it seems like Will Ferrell is trying to do every single sports comedy possible. With Semi-Pro covering basketball coming out next month he now just has to tackle projects regarding baseball and football. If he wants to do football I think he should do a comedy about Reggie Bush while at USC. He could come up with a funny title like "Dirty Trojan" and play the part of unsuspecting Pete Carroll. He could play that goofy "unknowing" asshole to perfection.

THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS ARE IDIOTS

According to STLTODAY.COM, the St. Louis Cardinals are so desperate for another drug cheater to sit with Rick Ankiel on the bench that they are thinking about inviting Juan Gonzalez to spring training camp.

Two-time MVP Juan Gonzalez is seeking another swing at a comeback after nearly three years since his last at-bat, and the Cardinals have discussed extending him an invitation to spring training.

Gonzalez, 38, has been working out at Eduardo Perez's Winter Training Program in Puerto Rico. The Cardinals, intrigued by descriptions of Gonzalez's workouts, are exploring the possibility of signing the former All-Star outfielder, but a source cautioned that no deal is completed.

I for some reason thought Gonzalez died a few years back to some cocaine overdose but I guess I was wrong. Sorry, I usually get cocaine overdose and career dying in Detroit mixed up for some reason. Seriously, wtf are the Cardinals thinking? Do they need a guy who was trained in the "Jose Canseco how to stick needles in dude's asses without breaking it" camp to assist with Ankiel and Albert Pujols. I know they just picked up Troy Glaus in a trade so he should have plenty of experience in performance-enhancing drugs but apparently the Cards want a whole roster full of cheaters. Maybe they could bring back Mark McGwire while they are at it or look into adding Roger Clemens to the pitching staff.

GREG PAULUS CARRIES ON THE DUKE TRADITION

I have a general hatred for Duke Basketball and some people may wonder why it is? It's because of shit like this. It started years ago with Christian Laettner and was passed on to Shane Battier and now apparently to Greg Paulus. The art of horrible acting to get fouls called in your direction. Coach K and his filthy whore mouth teaches the act to all of his players but these douchebags have perfected "the flop", "the crying", the "act like you have been punched" routine so much that they make Brendan Fraser look like an Academy Award thespian. Paulus is the little punk white guard who has little talent but is one of those hustle guys who mixes it up with the big boys so to speak. But what he does is talk shit and gets away with it because he is a little white guy. This is why I can't watch Duke Basketball. They tend to flop as often as Italian soccer...

I think it is time for the ACC conference to review plays such as the dive and the flop perfected by Paulus and suspend them for games for unsportsmanlike behavior. Or as I call it "general douchness."

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

OSI UMENYIORA LIKES TO POOP ON GIRLS

DOLPHINS HIRE TONY SOPRANO

Okay, it's not really the Jersey tough guy but you have to admit Tony Sparano is going to turn a lot of heads with that name down in Miami. The new head coach of the Dolphins should know that the Miami/Boca Raton area is a loaded cesspool with retired Mafia syndicates. They might come after him just because they get him mixed up with Bobby's cousin's girlfriend's uncle who went by the same name who once stole a shipment of plasmas being delivered in Cherry Hill a few years back. I'm just saying. But seriously Sparano needs to shave that fucking mustache. The Hitler/pedophile look is so 1970's buddy. If there was a Hall of Fame for jerk off mustaches Sparano would be the president of the fraternity with Dave Wannstedt as his VP. And we all know how Wanny fared in Miami with that hairy follicle lip. I'm just saying.

TOM BRADY MANCRUSH

I'm sorry but if I was gay I could never date Tom Brady. He went to Michigan and has an asshole for a chin. But yeah, the Giselle-look-alike in this video might be better than the real thing. As far as I can see she doesn't have an adam's apple either.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S

I worked at a restaurant in Maryland for two weeks while I was broke in college, it looked a lot like this except worse...

Dude, was that MTV VJ Simon Rex saying "tastes like dookie, you got any blow?" Hell yeah it was. The Rex Effect is still alive.

JEFF FRANCOEUR HATES HARRY POTTER

Athletes get a lot of flack from people whether it be their political views or issues with banging pop stars and then losing NFL playoff games. But a guy like Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur is the closest thing to being a God in Atlanta. Think of him as being the opposite of Michael Vick. The kid is like an Eagle Scout who hits walk-off grand slams(I witnessed it in person) and has enough time in his day to smile to his fans while not flipping them off and help out others whether it be charity causes or signing autographs. With that being said I've always thought you could judge a person's character by the movies they enjoy watching. Considering I got a degree in film (yes, I got a degree watching 4 years of films) I tend to value film more than say a guy who majored in political science or engineering. That being said Francoeur has my same idealistic views on recent films he has seen:

1. "The Kingdom." Jeff: "It was OK. I like war movies, but there's nothing like 'Braveheart' anymore."

2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." Catie: "I read all the books, and the movies don't have it." Jeff: "It [stinks]."

3. "American Gangster." Jeff "I like those kind of movies."

4. "SuperBad." Jeff: "I think it's hilarious." Catie: "Please don't say we watched that."

5. "Eastern Promises." Jeff "I hope it's good. That's what we're watching tonight."

If Francoeur would have said he loved "Harry Potter" and couldn't wait to see what happened I would have called him a candy ass who loves to take bubble baths. Thankfully he didn't. The fact that he acknowledges "Braveheart" as the best war film of all-time further establishes his good standing with me and grants him good standing in the man card department. Nothing will ever match "Braveheart"! Don't even try to make an argument because you are wrong already. I also give Francoeur props for voicing his love and admiration for a comedy like "SuperBad" even though his wife Catie is clearly embarrassed by her admission of viewing it.

No matter how great of a spouse you have never lose your opinion or your voice in fears of being reprimanded. I believe Pacman Jones uttered those words once while punching a stripper. Anyways I salute Francoeur for saying "Harry Potter" sucked and that any guy over the age of 18 who willfully or not admits they love the film should be castrated and shipped to Canada where they belong.

CARL FROM ADULTSWIM.COM

I fucking love this guy...

"My Jessica Simpson wig...worked like a freaking charm man!"

TERRELL OWENS CRYING: PRICELESS

Owens finally found his one true love and his name is Tony Homo...umm, Romo. I'm not a huge NFL fan but I love the drama in the game with how quickly players can be cut and lose their salary, the injuries, the crazy owners, the confused coaches, and of course high strung emotional players like Terrell Owens. He looks like he is auditioning for a part for "Jerry McGuire 2". TO let me help you. Go get some therapy or do some pushups in your driveway. Honestly I love seeing players get emotional but I don't know if I buy it from him. This guy has thrown more teammates and QB's under the bus during his career than Urban Meyer lies to recruits in order to get them to Florida.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

OVECHKIN NOW KING OF NHL SALARY

The Washington Capitals signed superstar Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year, $124 million dollar contract making him the richest NHL player ever.

I've seen Ovechkin play in person three times against the Thrashers and also have seen Sidney Crosby a couple of times in person and I honestly think Ovechkin is the better player. The kid is sick with the puck and has the ability to score 700 plus goals over his career. So I guess the question remains if he can be as marketable as a Crosby.

No.

Unfortunately for Ovechkin the kid has the Russian curse of butt nasty cro-magnon face disorder. It shouldn't matter but it does in marketing. The face is what sells as much as the game. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect to see Ovechkin in any Jockey briefs. Actually thank God for that one. Teenage girls don't swoon over ugly Russian dudes but they do love their Tom Brady. But it shouldn't matter anyways. The kid is already a great player. Maybe the best in the league and I congratulate him and would love for him to be the spokes model for Sportscrack. I can pay in Stoli Alexander. Maybe even "hook you up" with the FUSC girl.