SportsCrack Blog

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


And you have to love the passion the Vanderbilt students display during the games...

So much for Tennessee being the #1 team in the country.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


No, he hasn't given away his Heisman quite yet, but it is not looking good for Reggie Bush when it comes to the court of public appearance.

Reggie Bush failed to show up for a scheduled deposition on Monday, the latest twist in the civil lawsuit against the former Heisman Trophy winner who allegedly accepted cash and gifts from sports marketers during his sophomore and junior seasons at Southern California.

"He literally ran from his deposition," said Brian Watkins, the attorney for sports marketer Lloyd Lake, who is suing Bush.

Watkins said he received a fax from one of Bush's attorneys saying the New Orleans Saints' running back wouldn't be coming.

We know that Bush is pretty much guilty beyond a reasonable doubt in at least one department when it comes to the ladies:

I think the NCAA should grow some balls and strip away the Trojan's wins during the Bush period to at least get them to start talking. Bush, his family, his lawyers, and USC are rightfully and logically not going to say shit to hurt themselves unless someone threatens them with forfeits and stripping away his Heisman Trophy. Like the steroid era I'm tired of people dragging this garbage out and not confessing to doing what they did wrong. Everyone knows that MLB players were using performance enhancers just like everyone knows Bush took a lot of money while playing ball at USC.

Bush could at least gain some respect back, albeit a little, by just saying he fucked up and got greedy and took gifts and money like a lot of us would in his situation. He also could have avoided all this by cutting and weaving by giving Lloyd Lake his money back a long time ago. In other words Bush is an idiot. A rich one who could turn out to be like Michael Vick when all is said and done.

FUSC Shirt available for purchase at this link.


The Atlanta Thrashers officially hit the last nail in the 2008 season coffin when they traded eventual unrestricted free agent forwards Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis to the Pittsburgh Penguins for Colby Armstrong, Erik Christiansen, Angelo Esposito and a 2008 1st round draft pick. Usually I would be piss as a fan to lose a player with the skills of a Hossa but I think this is the best deal the Atlanta Thrashers franchise could get considering the circumstances.

Hossa was not going to resign with the Thrashers plain and simple. Him and his agent's stiff armed GM/head coach Don Waddell all season and last offseason when talks of an extension came up on the Thrasher's part. To get a guy like Armstrong in Atlanta is a huge plus because he is still young(25) and is a gritty tough player who could really blossom in Atlanta playing with a player like Ilya Kovalchuk. I'm really looking forward to seeing Armstrong lay down the lumber when somebody comes after Kovy. Something like this will suffice...

Or maybe another hit like this on Jeff Carter...

Yes, I can get used to seeing this from a team like the Thrashers that has always been considered "soft" by most NHL pundits. Christensen is another young winger(24) who also should continue to mature and thrive with more playing time in Atlanta. The center is unbelievable when it comes to shootouts. Take a look...

The Thrashers also picked up a young kid in Esposito who is playing in the minors after being drafted in the first round last year by the Pengiuns. Esposito was considered a steal last year at pick #20 when many scouts and GM's had him pegged for a top 5 pick. At only 19 he will probably be playing with the Chicago Wolves of the AHL starting next season unless he impresses in camp and makes the Thrashers roster.

The Thrashers picking up a first round pick is huge considering they traded all theirs away last year when picking up veterans to make a playoff push. In the end this was a great trade for the Thrashers and in all likelihood saves Don Waddell's ass for at least this offseason. The Thrashers will also have plenty of cap room with Hossa now gone and could make a bid for a big-time free agent this offseason.


About ten minutes ago I honestly had no idea Sergei Federov was still playing NHL hockey. I figured Anna Kournikova had him locked away with a ball gag in some cellar down in Miami. But never the less I have come to find out he isn't Anna's gimp anymore but is instead a brand new/dried up fading Vodka of a player now playing on the Washington Capitals.

February 26, TSN: The Columbus Blue Jackets have traded centre Sergei Fedorov to the Washington Capitals for prospect Theo Ruth.
Fedorov is in the final year of a five-year, $40 million contract and will become an unrestricted free agent this summer.

He has 469 goals and 663 assists in 17 seasons in the NHL.

The speedy Russian had a career-high 56 goals and 120 points for the Detroit Red Wings in 1993-94, when he won the Hart Trophy as the league's MVP.

He now becomes the fourth winger from the USSR on the Capitals joining the likes of Alexander Ovechkin, Alexander Semin, and Viktor Kozlov. I guess we have a new "Cold War" on the ice now so to speak and it should be entertaining to see how they all play together. Not nearly as entertaining though as an Anna K leaked sex tape which the whole world has been waiting for the past decade. Seriously Anna, do the world a favor and make your beautiful self newsworthy again. At least do it for all the teenage boys/lonely bloggers out there who have nothing better to do.


The Houston Rockets have been hotter than Britney Spears chlamydia lately winning 12 straight with Yao Ming taking over in the process by averaging over 22 points and providing stellar defense while pushing Houston to 7th in the Western Conference. But all the good news took a turn for the worse today when learning Ming is out for the rest of the season with chlamydia...just kidding, he has never come in contact with Britney, he has a stress fracture in his left foot.

Yao has a stress fracture in his left foot that likely will require season-ending surgery. Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey announced the decision on Tuesday.

The Rockets' team physician said that the injury usually requires four months to heal if it isn't treated surgically. If it's treated surgically, recovery time is from three to four months.

"This is unbelievable," Rockets owner Les Alexander told KRIV-TV in Houston. "This is the most heart-breaking. This is the worst I've felt."

Granted I don't follow too much NBA Basketball because it gets in the way of my yoga class but were the Rockets really a contender out in the ridiculously difficult Western Conference? I mean sure if they were in the Eastern Conference they would probably be a #1 seed but the Western has the likes of the Lakers, Spurs, Mavericks, and Suns who would all dominate and destroy any of those vaginal sores of teams out East. Personally if I were a Houston fan I would blame all of this on Roger Clemens who just happened to arrive at Astros Spring Training camp the same day Ming goes down with a stress fracture. I bet some injections in the ass would help cure a troublesome stress fracture for the big guy. But Rocket doesn't know anything about that, we will have to ask Debbie Clemens for advice.

Monday, February 25, 2008


Do they test athletes for extra toes? I ask because clearly this is an advantage for Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez when it comes to hitting. Next thing we are going to find out is Derek Jeter has a vagina for an anus. Seriously, Jeter is always puckering his ass out in the batter's box and it isn't to hit the low outside hard one if you know what I mean.

Picture HT: The always hilarious Boston sportsbar talk of BarstoolSports


According to Dave O'Brien of the AJC, Atlanta Braves reliever Phil Stockman whom is a native Aussie has a good luck charm hidden in his pants...yes...kangaroo testicles. Australian people are so fucking weird! First they face plant streaking on horse tracks for their bachelor parties and now they use Roo Balls as good luck charms. According to Aussies kangaroo testicles bring good luck. Apparently Stockman has given a set of testicles to teammates Tim Hudson and Mike Hampton:

So Braves reliever Phil Stockman, a good bloke if I’ve ever met one, gave starting pitchers Tim Hudson and Mike Hampton each a pair of kangaroo testicles on a key chain. And told them to rub them before each start.

Hudson’s “charm” was hanging in his locker last I checked.

I'm not sure how I would react if somebody gave me a pair of testicles and told me I needed them for good luck. I would probably tell them my set of hairbags has worked just fine for years of internet porn, thank you very much.


As some of you may know I'm getting married in a couple of months(holy shit, I'm getting married!!) and my bachelor party will be in Las Vegas. Hopefully it turns out half as entertaining as this guy's drunk fest.

I think I will pass on the grass burns on the weiner...ouch!

I can't believe he was charged with "offensive conduct." Are you shitting me? What he did should be considered noble and dignified for a society needing a laugh here or there.

Video HT: WithLeather via SportingBlog


Now that ex-girlfriend Sarah Silverman is fukin Matt Damon it was up to Jimmy Kimmel to one up her in the jealous sexual revenge game. And boy did he ever...

This video is wrong in so many ways but totally hilarious. Nice touch on Brad Pitt as the FedEx guy and Harrison Ford as..well...being Harrison Ford.


I've been watching a lot of college basketball lately and I think UCLA is the team other than Tennessee that is impressing me the most right now. Oh wait, Louisville is coming on really strong too and I have a good feeling all three of those teams will at least make the Elite Eight come tourney time. But you have to love UCLA's athleticism especially with a guard like Westbrook who can penetrate the lanes and give facials-obvious porn reference.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

Friday, February 22, 2008


It's fairly easy to get my vote when it comes to elections. Don't support any New York team, be a lover not hater of booze and the general principles that come along with them, and show some sort of admiration for College Football. Well, yesterday Barack Obama did his Heisman pose at the University of Texas which pretty much raps up the election for him. Once you do the pose it is 100% guarantee you will win, it's been scientifically proven by that no talent assclown named Desmond Howard.

And if you are still wondering if Hillary Clinton, aka Satan's daughter, has a chance at winning the Texas primary, well, this picture should pretty much set those dreams or nightmares to rest...

Obama is going to Hook 'Em.

HT: Deadspin


You know I've been running back and forth from South Florida to Atlanta these past couple of weeks while dealing Columbian bam bam and trying to get rid of this annoying crotch rash when I decided that nothing goes better with the aforementioned then a few pints of the cold frosty sweet nectar of God I call NewCastle Brown Ale. In fact I think I have downed at least 4 dozen of my favorite beer in the past 10-14 days alone. Sure I have mixed in some Bud Light or Miller Light here or there but I have been pretty much on a NewCastle kick. On the Fairchild Beer scale it gets an overwhelming 10. It is the unquestioned king of beers in my mind. Potential downfalls of drinking 12 packs like I do include bloating and a nice little Charlie Weis FUPA I seem to be developing.

Anyways, go out and drink at least one today after you buy a Mega Millions ticket with hopes of grandeur. And if you don't win the lottery don't sweat it, at least you enjoyed a great beer to finish off the work week.

But yeah, it will get you fat and unattractive which has never been a problem for me since I was born that way...


The picture above is of Hope Dworaczyk, a model(cheap lingerie one I'm guessing) who Dallas Maverick's point guard Jason Kidd has been banging for a while now. And by banging I mean sperminating the lovely lady according to the New York Post.

January 10, 2008 -- NEW Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having another kid. A year after his messy split from wife Joumana Kidd, sources told The Post's Hasani Gittens that Kidd's "model" girlfriend, Hope Dworaczyk, is expecting. "Hope, Jason and their parents all celebrated her pregnancy announcement at Sabor Latin Bistro in Edgewater Sunday night," said the insider. "Since Hope started showing, she has stopped sitting courtside."

See, it obviously must be true since the New York Post is such a genuine, truthful and honest publication. Never mind the obvious technical print mistake which claims Kidd is still a Net. This just goes to show you that no matter how ugly your mug may be you can win the affection of a model as long as you make millions and beat your baby mommas like Kidd has done for all these years.

Cheers to you Kidd. And yes, this will be my once a year NBA regular season post in case you were wondering.


Okay Braves fans, put down the tomahawk and don't get your panties in a bunch, but if star right fielder Jeff Francoeur wins the $270 million in the Mega Millions Jackpot tonight he will decide to trade in his baseball cleats for golf ones.

Braves outfielder JEFF FRANCOEUR, whose new wife Catie bought him a ticket last week, would "play golf the rest of my life."

And quit baseball?

"Quit baseball," he said Friday morning from Braves spring training camp in Florida. "Believe it."

You know, I have also daydreamed about what I would do if I had the winning lottery ticket. I'm sure I would give a lot of it to charity, something like the Michael Vick fund. Actually, the first thing on my list is to put a contract out on a certain owner residing in a brick warehouse in Baltimore. I don't want to know how it gets done or how messy it gets, I just want to know that it in fact happens for my well being and the millions of others who have suffered these tragic 10 years of horrific baseball.

And if they ever came after me I don't speaka no Englisha...

God I hope I win tonight.

2008 WORLD SERIES VEGAS ODDS has their updated 2008 World Series Odds up and running now that the Orioles traded their ace in Erik Bedard and replaced him with Steve TrashCell. And no, that is not a typo. Here are the odds with some lazy incoherent comments from me:

BOSTON RED SOX AT 4.5 TO 1...Even with Curt Schilling down for more than likely the season with shoulder problems stemming from a bloody ego I still think they have to be the favorites because God loves Boston. The Patriots did win the SuperBowl right?

NEW YORK YANKEES AT 5.5 TO 1...The Yankees didn't improve an already old roster but I'm sure the Steinbrenners have some Cuban hot shot locked up in a cellar under Yankee Stadium ready to make his mark. Either that or some of Johnny Damon's weed.

DETROIT TIGERS AT 7 TO 1...Their lineup is filthy with Miguel Cabrera and Edgar Renteria added to an already potent batting order. Renteria could be batting eighth this year for heaven's sake. Tigers have a way better chance of winning with their lineup and pitching than the Yankees in my humble opinion.

NEW YORK METS AT 7.5 TO 1...The Mets shit the bed down the stretch last year but added Johan Santana who should at the very least contend for the Cy Young. If the pitching comes through they should be the favorites to win the NL East.

ANAHEIM ANGELS AT 10 TO 1...When Vladimir Guerrero learns to speak some English then we can talk about the Angels seriously contending for the World Series. Dude, amigo, ese, whatever, you have been over here for 15 years learn some fucking English homie.

CLEVELAND INDIANS AT 12 TO 1...Not that C.C Sabathia has won his Cy Young he is due to fall off the face of the year starting in 3, 2, 1...I would have liked to have seen the Indians add something in the outfield to help Grady Sizemore. The Tigers will be too tough for the Tribe.

CHICAGO CUBS AT 12 TO 1...Umm, yeah, so it's been a 100 years since the last time the Cubs won a World Series. Why not make it another 100 while we are at it? If they trade for Brian Roberts I like their lineup a lot but if they don't and keep Soriano in the leadoff role they will again be irrelevant.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS AT 14 TO 1...I hate to say it but I really like where the Dodgers are going right now. They picked up the booger picker to fill out the lineup card and added Andruw Jones to shag flies and hit long towering balls out of Chavez Ravine. They have a young, up and coming nucleus of Matt Kemp, James Loney, Russell Martin, Andre Ethier, Chin-Lung Hu(Hello O's, make a trade for this kid), Delwyn Young, and a shitload of young pitchers who should have them contending soon. The Dodgers are my sleeper pick this season.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES AT 14 TO 1...I like Philly's lineup a lot but I feel the opposite regarding their starting pitching and relievers. Cole Hamels is a stud but other than him they really don't have a lot. Kyle Kendrick will be a good one but Adam Eaton, Jamie Moyer, and Brett Myers are average to what the hell is that smell starters these days. Ryan Howard should be a happy man now that he got his 10 million in arbitration but I wonder if his contract issues will become a distraction this season.

ARIZONA D'BACKS AT 20 TO 1...Webb and Haren at the top of the rotation might be the best in the NL. If Randy Johnson can come back, a big if, the D'Backs are more legit contenders than the Mets in my opinion. Like the Dodgers they have a ton of up and coming stars on the rise and don't be surprised if Justin Upton has a huge year in right field. I would have no problem throwing money on this team this season especially at these long odds.

COLORADO ROCKIES AT 20 TO 1...How did Troy Tulowitzki not win the ROY? The guy was amazing all season, played an incredible shortstop and yet Ryan Braun takes the award despite looking like Stevie Wonder trying to field balls at third. The Rockies were a Cinderella team in 2007 going an incredible 14-1 down the stretch to squeeze into the playoffs and eventually get smacked by the Sox in the World Series. I think the Dodgers and D'Backs are going to be too tough this season in their own division.

SEATTLE MARINERS AT 25 TO 1...Erik Bedard and Felix Hernandez are going to be an excellent starting tandem in the AL West. They should clean up against the A's and Rangers but the Mariners don't have enough talent to compete with the Red Sox, Yankees, Tigers, Angels, Indians of the American League. Plus Ichiro thinks his corner outfielders suck.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS AT 25 TO 1...If the Blue Jays decide to add Barry Bonds then they have a chance at competing. I'm actually being serious. I hate the fucking guy but he could really help out Toronto this season. They just don't have enough to compete with the Sox or Yankees at this point even with a healthy Roy Halladay and AJ Burnett.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS AT 28 TO 1...Besides Albert Pujols the Cardinals have a bunch of question marks and even Pujols could become one with his elbow problems. The Cardinals need to rebuild badly and need to unload some dead weight this season while letting young guys like Colby Rasmus learn the game at the big league level. They have absolutely no chance of competing this year.

SAN DIEGO PADRES AT 28 TO 1...The Padres will have the pitching which should keep them competitive for the most part this season. But an outfield of Jim Edmonds, Brian Giles, and Scott Hairston has to be one of the worst in the major leagues. Their division is too tough but with Chris Young and Jake Peavy at the top of the rotation you never know.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS AT 33 TO 1...I look at the Brewers lineup and I see a competitive if not a very talented team in 2008. It's time for a guy like Rickie Weeks to step up his game like Prince Fielder and J.J. Hardy did last season. This team could surprise people especially playing in a horrible division but relying on Ben Sheets to finish out a season is like waiting for Britney Spears at a custody hearing.

ATLANTA BRAVES AT 33 TO 1...Man, how the mighty have fallen. The Braves seem to be a team with no direction right now. Last season they traded their farm system to get Mark Teixeira(even though he won't resign with Atlanta) but then traded away one of their best players in Edgar Renteria, let Andruw Jones walk away without a clear plan to feel his void, and then brought in an aging Tom Glavine even though they needed somebody much better at this stage if they want to compete. I expect a huge season from Jeff Francoeur(MVP numbers) but I don't think it will be enough to compete with the Mets or Phillies.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX AT 33 TO 1...I really like the additions of Carlos Quentin and Nick Swisher to the outfield along with getting a real good shortstop in Orland Cabrera. The bullpen needed to be upgraded and it was with Scott Linebrink and Octavio Dotel now pitching on the South Side. Ozzie Guillen has worked magic before and it would not be an entirely wasted 10 bucks to throw on this team at this time.

HOUSTON ASTROS AT 40 TO 1...Miguel Tejada was a good addition and a definite upgrade over Adam Everett. The Astros have a good lineup and should be able to score a lot of runs. In the NL Central they can compete for the division but not for a World Series this year.

MINNESOTA TWINS AT 40 TO 1...Their chances left as soon as Johan Santana put on a Met's uniform. They should have gotten a lot more for him or just kept him and tried to compete this year in my opinion.

OAKLAND A'S AT 50 TO 1...Billy Beane says they are rebuilding and I believe him. They have no chance whatsoever of competing this year or perhaps next year.

TEXAS RANGERS AT 50 TO 1...The Rangers always seem like a team without a clear plan. If they want to compete in the future they need to unload guys like Kevin Millwood and Michael Young during the season and pick up some good if not elite prospects. They have no chance of competing this year or next.

CINCINNATI REDS AT 66 TO 1...As I have said before the NL Central is up for grabs. The Reds do have some up and coming players with Jay Bruce, Joey Votto, Homer Bailey, and Johnny Cueto all ready to make contributions this season. They might as well trade Griffey if he is healthy and hitting and get something in return for the future. No chance of a World Series but a chance to compete in the NL Central.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS AT 75 TO 1...The Giants are going to be very, very bad ball club this season playing in the best division in baseball.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS AT 100 TO 1...Wait a second, when did Washington get a team?

FLORIDA MARLINS AT 100 TO 1...They are either rebuilding or winning a World Series. No in between. This year they are obviously rebuilding.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES AT 150 TO 1...This team again looks like complete shit on paper.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS AT 150 TO 1...They are going to win the World the year 2054 as the Carolina Bulls.

TAMPA BAY RAYS AT 200 TO 1...The Rays are not going to be this bad this season. In fact I could see them competing and staying around .500 ball all season. They have so much elite young talent that it eventually needs to start winning games. This season should be the start.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES AT 200 TO 1...Obviously they are rebuilding 10 years too late but at least they have a future nucleus in place with studs such as Nick Markakis, Adam Jones, Matt Wieters, and Billy Rowell ready to contribute and star for the next 5-10 years. The only thing the O's will be competing for this season is the #1 pick in the draft.


I found this little gem of a hockey highlight over at AwfulAnnouncing. It comes from the Toronto Maple Leafs game against the Columbus Blue Jackets a couple of nights ago in which Toronto's goalie Vesa Toskala makes a great save but apparently the announcer Don Taylor has something a little more veiny on his mind...

Unless Peter North or Ron Jeremy stepped into the booth I have no earthly idea why Taylor would be so interested in another man's privates. I'm sure years of counseling should have helped debunked his fascination with dicks but in Taylor's case it can come up at the worst time. In fact I rooted up a video of Taylor in elementary school, only back then he had a Jew fro....

Thursday, February 21, 2008


I'm a huge baseball fan and yet I've never had the chance to watch the great Ichiro play in person. But that will change this season as the Mariners make a trip to Turner Field in June for a 3 game weekend set. I still have my fingers crossed of seeing a Bedard vs. Smoltz matchup or even a King Felix vs. Tim Hudson game. But anyways, the real point of going is to see Ichiro roam centerfield in sticky Hotlanta. The fucking guy can do it all and is the true definition of a "five tool player." That and the all you can eat and drink beer specials they have at Turner Field. I really can't wait to see how many beers I consume with my buds in order to justify paying $60 for beer and food. The all you can consume special might be the best deal in all of sports. Hell, in New York City $60 bucks gets you a dog, fries, a punch in the gut, people ignoring you as you wallow in pain and perhaps an eight ounce beer.

I hate to see what Ichiro thinks of Atlanta after playing in the robust humidity of June after watching this comment he made to Bob Costas about the lovely Kansas City...

"Hotter than two rats in a fucking wool sock." I really love Ichiro.


Okay, I will be the first to admit I have a serious man crush on Baltimore Orioles right fielder Nick Markakis because as we all know Cal Ripken isn't coming out of that dugout anymore. But I can't wait to see newly acquired Adam Jones batting in front of Nick the Stick in the future. The motto for Orioles baseball this year is "This is Birdland" when in fact it should be "This is what ten years too late of rebuilding can do for you." At least the Orioles finally have a plan now with new GM Andy MacPhail.

And yes, Markakis is a honey bear with big fucking paws who will kill Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, and even Rays for years to come.


The Big Hurt is a sure fire first ballot Hall of Famer and one of only a few guys who we suspect never took steroids or HGH(shit, if Thomas did roids he would have hit 70 plus HR's a year with his eye and swing). But I tell you what, you do not mess with the Big Hurt when it comes to pillow fighting.

When it comes to filming a pillow biting commercial I'm sure "pals" Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte will get first dibs.


Or make it Maryland Terps basketball for that matter. Not only did the Terrapins blow a big second half lead against the Virginia Tech Hokies at home, a game they desperately needed to win to secure a NCAA Tourney Berth, but they also forced Hokies guard Dorenzo Hudson into vomiting macaroni and Gatorade all over the free throw line.

The Sporting Blog managed to find the video. No truth to the rumor Hudson lost his lunch when hearing about Gary Williams graduation rate at Maryland which has been extremely putrid since 1997.


Those St. Louis Cardinal fans sure are a classy bunch. As much ass-kissing and self-fellating the whole Cardinal nation wants to give itself every year by saying "We are the best baseball fans in the world" we counter it by offering up videos as the one above demonstrates that they are no better than New York or even Philly fans. In fact the only other difference between those fan bases besides the Midwestern accent is the enormous amounts of mullets and camouflage that is on display every home game in Busch Stadium. And since St. Louis is basically in the middle of the country with nothing else around it besides manure and a cool looking arch it has a tendency to attract all forms of rednecks from around the likes of Indiana, Kentucky, Iowa, and the mecca of Arkansas. Trust me, I've been to St. Louis and I do think it is a great baseball city. But like all cities with a loyal fan base you have the same jerk offs who cuss at kids because they got in the way of videotaping Albert Pujols.

Here are some pictures from of the lovely Cardinal fans...

Sorry, I tried to find some pictures of some hot St. Louis poon but understandably they don't attend baseball games in Busch Stadium with this collection of handsome lookers on display every home game. But at least they are a classy bunch up there.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tom Cruise is a Cock-Block 2

Monday, February 18, 2008


Early word on the street is Phillies pitcher Brett Myers tried to pull this prank on his wife but it involved a solid punch to her chops after the punking and the media didn't find it very funny. But when it involves fellow teammate and pitcher Kyle Kendrick being traded to Japan..well, it's a little funnier than wife beating...

Video HT: WithLeather via CrashburnAlley


I've been out of town for the past two weeks sweating my balls off in South Florida working a tennis tournament and haven't had much of a chance to get on the computer. So the light posting is going to stop for at least the next few weeks as I dive into this upcoming baseball season and even some NCAA hoop talk as we get near March Madness.

I still can't get over this dunk by Gerald Green even though I have no clue who he is but this dunk should go down in history...

Thursday, February 14, 2008


I know I'm a day late but I figured what the hell, we might as well talk about the release of the SI Swimsuit Issue. Seriously, does anybody really buy this crap anymore now that internet porn has been around for over a decade? What is the point? Of course I used to use my fair time studying the articles back in middle school but I really don't remember looking into it much once I hit high school. It was all Playboys and SheMales over 50 by then. I'm kidding of was SheMales over 40. Anyways, to feel like I'm reaching out to my audience in some way other than making drunk comments or laughing while I fart I figured I would show this clip from Late Night with David Letterman. Marissa Miller was on to show off her "assets" and let us know she is the new covergirl. In other words she does a lot of blow and makes herself vomit as soon as the thought of a cheeseburger creeps into her hollow brain...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


After listening to today's congressional hearing involving some douche, another douche, and a whole congregation of elected douches, it became painfully clear Roger Clemens is the biggest douche. And to prove his English is worse than my talk of douche I submit this clip of Rocket and his "best" friend Andy Pettitte making a commercial after they poked each other in the ass with needles and floppys...

Roger might have misremembered this commercial because of the lidocaine and B-12 shots he took before shooting.


But never fear, Deadspin has all the videos in their glorious unedited form right here. ESPN also released a statement regarding Berman:

The off air videos are now nearly a decade old and do not reflect his typical workplace demeanor, his relationships with co-workers, nor the contributions he has made to ESPN over many years. Chris has a tremendous connection with sports fans and his body of work should not be judged by a few minutes of unguarded language uttered years ago. We aren't excusing the language used and will be emphasizing to our workforce the importance of using appropriate language in the workplace.

See people, his typical workplace demeanor is total douchebag but these videos clearly shows he thinks he is a funny douchebag. So takes these videos for what they are worth: Gold Jerry, Gold!


Since Roger Clemens is a pretty big star it should be interesting to see how hard he falls today. 95% of Americans believe Clemens is lying about never using HGH and/or steroids. This could have all been avoided if Clemens just admitted something like this: "Yeah, I messed up and took the stuff." But no, Clemens with his enormous ego rivaling Barry Bonds has now put himself in a situation for which he could go to jail. Real jail where men become women if you catch my drift. So if you have a chance today watch the congressional hearing and feel free to comment about what you think should happen to Brian McNamee or Roger Clemens in regards to the findings.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


And so now we have reached the final(hopefully for the love of God not)video of Chris Berman acting like the jackass we always knew he was. I don't think Berman enjoys Al Michaels company too much. Maybe this is the reason why Michaels left ABC after all those years...

Monday, February 11, 2008


I know this is tame to what I would have done, which is put a couple of dead hookers in their hotel room and called it the "Dennis Rodman's Rules Night" to see which rookie could get rid of the body the quickest, but when you suck as bad as the Atlanta Hawks at basketball you do stuff like this...

The first blow was struck by the veterans, who deposited 14 large bags of popcorn into the cars of unsuspecting rookies Acie Law IV and Mario West during practice Monday - rookie center Al Horford was out of the country tending to a personal matter and did not attend practice.

The rookies were caught off guard, though West discovered he had been hit first and text messaged Law from the popcorn-splattered player parking lot to warn him that were the victims of well-planned sneak attack.

But not even advance warning was enough to calm Law, who vowed to get revenge on his veteran teammates.

Popcorn? You have to be fucking kidding me? At least sprinkle some crack on the shit and make it a good joke. Or maybe get the panties of the wife of the head coach and put a love note addressed to them in their locker. Nevermind. You can't pull off a better practical joke than getting drafted by the worst franchise in the NBA. Anything else is tame in measure.


Berman pulling some game with vino talk...

Look at this broad playing with her hair in front of him, she is practically fucking him right there on stage. Berman has sick game. It just goes to show you what the show bizness can do for an unattractive jackass. Blogging not so much. Yeah, I need a real job.


These videos are priceless. I used to hate Chris Berman but now I think I have a serious man crush on the guy. I'm serious. Now I can see how he gets all these hot girls. He has the mouth of a sailor but the pockets are deep enough to bring em home...

"I'm sure you can't wait fukhead!"


For those of you still feeling bad for the Texas Longhorns and their recent recruiting loss of #1 RB recruit Darrell Scott to Colorado, well, take a look at this video of 2009 recruit Chris Whaley who just committed to Texas...

Yeah, Whaley is ridiculous with a capital R. I know the 2008 class is still being signed and delivered(Terrelle Pryor will eventually pick somebody before the baseball season starts) but schools like USC, Texas, and Georgia are off to great starts recruiting for their 2009 class. Whaley might be the best of the bunch when all is said and done. Film doesn't lie. Whaley can flat out run. Unless he is playing in the Mexican Midget League then my judgement is null and void regarding Whaley.


The long rumored Greg Mattison to Baltimore Ravens linebacker's coach finally materialized yesterday according to So why does this matter in the never ending world of coaches changing professions? Because apparently Florida head coach Urban Meyer promised prize recruit Omar Hunter that the rumors of Mattison leaving shortly after National Signing Day were not true to secure his commitment to the Florida program. But of course we can laugh at this because we already know what Meyer says is 50% full of bull and the other remains full of the not so pleasant smell coming from the swamps of Gainesville.

So now Hunter is left with a new defensive coordinator and a whole new set of lies and promises sure to leave him wondering why he would ever choose Florida in the second place. Yes, second place because Florida is garbage with Meyer as a coach and I'm not afraid to say it. The guy has the morals and convictions of a Roger Clemens on the stand. His ego is bigger than his bullshit and his playing and manipulating with the lives of teenagers and their families to advance his well being is nothing short of evil.

Point blank is Urban Meyer is garbage and everybody knows it accept a portion of Gator fans. He used Mattison knowing full well he would be leaving to take a position with the Ravens but kept it quiet in order to secure Hunter's signature on National Signing Day. But of course as long as Meyer has gotten what he wants this matters little to himself. All of these players and coaches under Meyer are just pawns to secure himself a lucrative head coaching position in the NFL. He even has his own wife recruiting players now.

Penn product Braxston Cave, when asked the most interesting thing he heard during his recruitment, had an unusual response, and it came courtesy of Florida coach Urban Meyer.

"(He) had me talk to his wife, so that was kind of interesting," Cave said.

The context of the conversation didn't exactly wow Cave.

"Basically, the weather and how they were on the boat and all this stupid crap," Cave said.

It's great to see some recruits who can actually wipe away the garbage Meyer articulates everyday and see the truth and know it isn't worth it. I just feel bad for Omar Hunter next season when he is riding the pine and won't get his degree because he is part of just another football factory which cares little to nothing about higher education and more about performance between the lines on Saturdays during the Fall.


Reason #1-Chance of getting a skate to the neck...

The Florida Panthers Richard Zednik literally took a skate to the neck and yet despite all the loss of blood managed to skate off the ice with the assistance of a trainer. All I can say is Zednik is a bonafide BADASS. I think the majority of us would be in complete shock at the sight of so much blood gushing out of our neck and the last thing we would remember is us looking at the jumbotron as we slowly faint to the ice. The fact that Zednik could remain calm and collected just made him the toughest guy in sports. It appears Zednik is in stable condition which is a miracle by itself.

Friday, February 08, 2008


I'm not going to lie, when I first heard Pedro Martinez and cockfight in the same sentence I shouted to myself "I knew it!!!" But sadly I was a little disappointed to find out it involves roosters and not sword fighting. My life is sad, I know this already. I don't know what to feel about the whole cockfighting scene. Actually I feel a little dirty just writing it. I'm sure in some way Urban Meyer invented the game. Only a dirty scumbag with no sense of right or wrong would create such a game and privately I could not think of a more deplorable person other than maybe Peter Angelos. Of course we all know Coronel Sanders created cockfighting so there is no reason to bring Meyer in to this game. Hell, he already gave up his soul a long time ago to be a SEC coach. But if I had to pick a fight with a cock named Urban Meyer I think I would choose someone regal, almost ready if not laughing at the chance to prove how big of a fraud the once great Liar will be exposed in the near future. I name my cock Mark Richt because he will own and kill Urban for years to come.


Stella Artois, even if the Vikings stole it...

The Belgians know their beer and Stella is their biggest import. Here is a little history lesson on Stella courtesy of Wikipedia...

Stella Artois (pronounced /ˈstɛlə ɑrˈtwɑː/) is a 5.2% ABV global lager first brewed in Leuven, Belgium in 1926 as a Christmas brew, and named Stella after the Latin for "star."[1]

Although Belgium is best known internationally for its ales, the so-called "table beers," the bottom-fermented pilsner lagers such as Stella Artois head the list for domestic consumption, making up almost 75% of Belgian beer production. Stella is promoted as an international brand by InBev. In its home market of Belgium, however, it is marketed, priced and sold as a regular lager. It is brewed in Belgium and the United Kingdom, as well as other countries, including Australia. Much of the Stella Artois exported from Europe is currently produced at InBev's brewery in Belgium, and packaged in the Beck's brewery in Bremen, Germany.

The Anno 1366 on the Stella Artois logo refers to the origin of brewing in the city of Leuven. The city's tax records dated 1366 mention the existence of a local brewpub called Den Hoorn, ('Hoorn' in Flemish meaning 'Horn' in English, as is represented in the logo on the beer label). The name Artois was coupled to the brewery in 1708, when new owner Sebastian Artois achieved the title of master brewer. The frame that surrounds the name Stella Artois on the label refers to the traditional style of window frame found in Flemish architecture.

Stella Artois is available on draught and in several packaged sizes, including a 275 ml bottle, 284 ml bottle, a 330 ml bottle, a 440 ml can, a 50cl can, a pint size can known as "La Grande Biere" (568 ml), 66 cl bottle, 70 cl bottle and a 1 litre bottle.

I have been a big fan of Stella ever since I was kidnapped by a small group of Belgian four fingered midgets back in the year 2003. They violated me with their laughs and their lager and forced me to drink hundreds if not thousands of ounces of their delicious beer till I couldn't see straight. I became one with the Stella that night although I still have a serious phobia regarding Belgian four fingered midgets.

On the Fairchild beer scale I give it a solid 8. Nothing spectacular, but it gets the job done and I have a real fear that those dickhead little Belgians will come back and find me and make me drink more if I don't at least give it a B-. So drink one up today or better yet make a trip to Belgium to indulge in the home country flavor. Have a good weekend bitches!


I have been waiting for this trade to comsummate for almost a month now but damn it is sweet to finally have it materialize. The Baltimore Orioles, aka the worst team in baseball this coming up spring, finally traded their ace, Erik Bedard, to the Seattle Mariners.

It's about damn time.

In return the O's get a potential superstar centerfielder in Adam Jones. Not the degenerate PacMan all the strippers have come to loath these past years. This is the Adam which has been compared favorably to Torii Hunter or at the worst a Mike Cameron. The Orioles also picked up the best lefty reliever in the game in George Sherrill who should be used as a bargaining chip come the trade deadline for some more young players. No doubt the O's are in a rebuilding mode, but finally they are doing it the right way.

New GM Andy MacPhail used his poker hand in Bedard and pulled a royal flush against the Mariners. In picking up Jones you have the first potential stud centerfielder in Baltimore since...hell...forever! I would say Mike Deveraux is the best CF I have seen in an O's uniform. Devo was a good player but we can safely say Baltimore hasn't had a decent centerfielder in a long, long time. Jones has 5 tool stuff. He hits for average and he hits for power. He has a cannon for an arm(drafted as a shortstop)and scouts think he can be a gold glover in centerfield. Make no mistake, Jones will make or break this trade for the O's. Bedard is a guaranteed ace lefty and you don't find many, if any, in the Major Leagues. But unlike the Minnesota Twins the Orioles got a great haul for their value.

Chris Tillman, Seattle's reigning Minor League Pitcher of the Year,is a 19 year old tall righty who has averaged around 10 K's per 9 inning pitched so far in the minor leagues. If Tillman and Jones pan out in the future it is an incredibly great trade for the Orioles. But if both shit the bed, and don't forget these are just prospects and not a known commodity like Bedard, then this trade will further signal the down spiral path of a franchise who hasn't had a winning season in 10 years.

I don't think this is the case. This is the most excited I have been about an Orioles transaction since they signed Miguel Tejada. True, Tejada didn't bring the once proud franchise back to the playoffs, but he was an individual success in Baltimore despite the team sucking ass. Baseball will and always will be a team sport. If you can trade a player for 5 players of real wealth you have to make the trade. The O's made the right trade. The Mariners made the right trade because they can now compete with the Angels now with Bedard and King Felix Hernandez starting at the top of the rotation.

Now all the O's have to do is sign Mark Teixeria next offseason.


Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Well, it's finally here. The good old bat shit crazy day of waiting for teenagers to sign their loyalty to pen and paper for your favorite college. We have heard that the #1 recruit Terrelle Pryor will not be signing today much to the dismay of all the Ohio State and Michigan fans. The kid sounds confused... actually more confused than the Democratic Party right now. I'm going to let the day play out and let all the other sites worry about who is and who isn't signing for their particular school. I'm getting too old to worry about this shit. But I will have a recap at the end of the day. National signing day is like the NFL Draft for college. So be prepared for unreal expectations when it comes to some analysis for these classes from the experts.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Now that football season is officially over we can now look forward to some baseball. Granted we still have to deal with the mass hysteria that is National Signing Day tomorrow but after it has come and gone we have a lonely eight months till college football season kicks off. But we can fill it in with some baseball talk with pitchers and catchers reporting in 8 days. It should be a very interesting MLB season with a ton of teams having a good chance to go the distance. If you are a fan of about 20 teams you have a lot to look forward to since in your mind you have a chance to win the whole thing. I could go through all the teams but that is what a preview is for and we are not there yet until all these trades are finalized. I tell you one thing, the American League is going to be nasty this season especially when the Mariners acquire Erik Bedard. Granted my Baltimore Orioles are going to be a terrible team from the day they lace up their cleats in Ft. Lauderdale till the final painful out in late September but at least they finally have a plan in place. There is some hope in Birdland but the rebuilding will take some time.

I'm excited to see all the new faces in new places whether they be new up and coming stars(the Adam Jones' and Colby Rasmus' of the world) or veterans who will be joining a new league(Miguel Cabrera and Johan Santana). Of course I have a lot of thoughts rambling in my head about what might happen this season so be prepared to be unleashed with some knowledge that might make sense or on the other hand might come off as badly as an Andruw Jones strikeout.

By the way, it's been a 100 years now since the Cubs won a World Series. I'm sorry. It's not your fault....

Monday, February 04, 2008


I'm trying to think of a better, more unbelievable clutch play in the history of the Super Bowl than Eli Manning's frantic bomb to David Tyree last night and I'm stuck at nothing. In fact I still can't believe the play actually came to fruition after Adalius Thomas had Manning in his big ass bear paws only to have Eli fight off his claws and heave the ball 50 yards down field. And then for Tyree to catch it while Rodney Harrison is basically Kobe Bryanting him from behind is just an incredible accomplishment that makes this play the best ever in Super Bowl history in my opinion. Of course it could have been a little bit more exciting if Troy Aikman would have squeezed Joe Buck's manbags during the play to at least get something besides a monotone voice during the crucial play.


I completely forgot about the 1972 Miami Dolphins until I saw this commercial this morning in between Skip Bayless rambling nonsense on ESPN's First Take. I can only imagine how tanked those old farts got last night after Eli Manning took a knee. The DUI's and dead hookers must have soared to astronomical numbers in South Florida last night thus bypassing the Michael Irvin days as a Miami Hurricane. Now that is mind boggling.

Mercury Morris becoming a mute: PERFECT!!


I'm gonna miss this guy. Personally I think Carl carried the Giants this postseason with his insane and for the most part hysterical ramblings and those crazy 80's Zubra or whatever the hell you call them pants. I actually find myself talking like him now. I also love how cartoons can get away with a lot of crap that basic television programs can not. Viva La Carl!


Maybe I'm losing my sense of humor or maybe I wasn't drunk enough but I really didn't like any of the commercials last night. The heart coming out of the lady was just disturbing and stupid. The Audi commercial was pretty good if you are a fan of "The Godfather." I was really disappointed in the beer commercials. Usually they are funny and witty but last night I don't recall either happening. At least the actual football game was entertaining for once.

So to make up for the horrible commercials last night I decided to bring this bad boy back to life.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you "The Swear Jar"....

Sunday, February 03, 2008


Not only did you prove everybody wrong this NFL postseason by winning 3 games on the road to reach the Super Bowl but you also proved how big of a dick and poor loser Bill Belichick is. The defensive line played lights out and crushed, stripped, and basically killed Tom Brady all night. Eli Manning is now a Super Bowl winning quarterback. Holy shitballs! I can't wait to see how Carl is doing tomorrow on Adultswim. More than likely he is pile driving his Eli blow-up doll.




Friday, February 01, 2008


Smithwick's Irish Ale is the beer of choice this week and I must say I enjoy it's malty dark flavor. From the same brewers of big brother Guinness, Smithwick's was first brewed in 1710 and it claims to be Ireland's oldest ale. John Smitwick came up with the original recipe for the Ale almost 300 years ago in Ireland and to this day it still delivers a distinctive taste reminiscent of Guinness but not as heavy on the belly and of course not as dark but more of an amber color. If I had to rate I would put it at an 8 on the Fairchild scale and I highly recommend going out and trying it. Currently you can buy an 18 mix-pack of Smithwick's, Guinness, and Bass Ale at Costco for around $18.


I don't consider myself a scratch golfer or anything, hell, I will admit it, I suck balls at golf. But I have played a considerable amount in my now 29 years of existence and yet I have never hit a hole in one. I've come close a couple of times but God hates me and decided to lip them out just to fuck with my fragile emotional state and thus forcing me to curse him and drink more beer. Anyways, getting on to the point, I have never even played with somebody who has hit a hole in one and yet I read shit like this happening and it just pisses me off...

Legally Blind Golfer, 92, Gets First Ace

CLEARWATER, Fla. — What are the odds? Leo Fiyalko, 92, a legally blind golfer with macular degeneration, scored a hole-in-one at a Clearwater country club.

Fiyalko's 110-yard shot with a five iron was his first hole-in-one. He's been golfing for 60 years.

"It's my first hole-in-one, and I never saw it," Fiyalko said. He said he was just trying to put his ball on the green.

A plaque at the Cove Cay Country Club now marks his achievement.

Dude, a fucking plaque is all he gets! He should get a state named after him or be the frontrunner for the Democratic Party(come on a black man and a woman, yeah right, you might as well have a clown in a wheelchair) Nomination. This is why a lot of people do not consider golf a real sport. You can be 400 pounds and apparently now you can be as old as a Dick Clark special and even blind and yet you still have the chance to hit a hole in one.

Seriously fuck Tiger Woods and fuck that old man for ruining my Friday. Maybe if I start wearing a diaper and blindfold myself I can have a chance at a hole in one.


Remember yesterday when I questioned the validity of Sarah Silverman dating Jimmy Kimmel, well, apparently she has had a fling with Matt Damon...

This clip is from the Jimmy Kimmel Show last night. Yes, I finally watched the Kimmel Show and if they continue to produce funny skits like this and "Emmitt Smith Wordsmith" then it might become another late night watching drunk show. This is a step up in my book. In college it was late night drunk and high night show for Conan O'brien. In high school it was late night masturbatory sessions to squiggle lines of Adam and Eve or something like that. I'm moving up in the world people, maybe someday I can eff Matt Damon!

By the way kudos to Matt Damon for still being a cool guy and willing to do funny skits like this despite all his fame and money.



Erin, you don't even want to know what you are bringing to my table and millions of sports fans nightly with those boots. Fellow blogger Mac G wonders if her overexposure is now going to be her downfall. I say hell no! Only age and sweaty booze filled nights full of sexcapades will bring her down.

I feel bad for some of the poor souls who can not handle her dangerous looks when approached by Andrews. I mean look at these Penn State kid's faces when the dangerous cougar comes in for the hunt...They are so awestruck it reminds me of the first time you see your first live female nipple as a kid. You don't know what to do but you know what you saw would forever change your life. And to this we must applaud but be mindful of the hot cougar known as the Erin Andrews. Look at the kid with the white fro. It's like he is staring right into her brain trying to Jedi mind fuck her into dropping every piece of clothing right there and now. He is screaming inside "TAKE IT OFF NOW, NOW I SAY" while knowing later he will go home and cry himself to sleep because he will never get to experience something so hot in his life again.

God bless you Erin Andrews. You make ESPN tolerable 2% of the time.


There is no denying the unbelievable talent that is Alexander Ovechkin but can anybody really argue or have a case of there being a better player in the NHL today? After last night's performance against Montreal it is becoming a mute point. Ovechkin now leads the NHL in goals and points scored after a 5 point performance after getting chopped in the face by an opponent's stick nonetheless. I love the game Sidney Crosby brings to the ice everyday and of course I have an undying admiration for how hard and talented Ilya Kovalchuk plays everyday for the Thrashers but Ovechkin is the best player I have ever seen in person. He can do basically anything he wants with the puck on his stick and plays with a vibrant energy that is so boundless it pulsates out to his teammates and carries the crowd with him. If Ovechkin was American I believe he would be right up there with the Tom Brady's and Derek Jeter's of the world in terms of consumer sports appeal. If you have the chance to go see Ovechkin play in an arena near you I highly recommend it. The chances of him scoring are extremely high but even if he doesn't just watching him skate the ice is a show itself. He never gives up on a play and is not a pretty boy when it comes to hitting people. He will lay out an opponent if he has to and I respect that because he wants to win more than any other guy on the ice.