SportsCrack Blog

Monday, January 07, 2008

He could make one phone call a week and still get away with clear NCAA violations with contacting recruits during the dead period. Here is the clip courtesy of Awful Announcing...

So who do you think he was on the phone with? I think he might have been on the phone with Terrelle Pryor telling him he is going to move Tebow to linebacker or maybe he was talking to Omar Hunter and how he will start right away at DT.

The Legend of Urban Liar continues to grow...

Game time is less than a half a hour away, I hope you have your beer chilled and ready to join the great Sportscrack Drink A Shot Of Beer Everytime They Show The Band Broadcast.

Well, here we go, drink a shot, they just showed the dotting of the I. That calls for two shots.

Remember to hit the refresh button every once in a while and scroll down to get the latest drunk ramblings. Oh yeah, fuck Urban Liar for being in the pre-game telecast. What recruit is he trying to poach/steal now?

-Okay, another shot of the band, this time the LSU one, take a shot. So far 3 shots down. By the way, how many chicks do you think Shaq nails now that he is single? I think he has at least 4 lined up tonight, one for each quarter.

-I think the only way you can stop Glenn Dorsey is to chop block him. Is there any doubt the Miami Dolphins don't take him with the #1 pick in the draft? All though he is a tad undersized for a D-tackle in the pros, his speed and quickness should make him a force if he can stay healthy.

-Oh sweet, I can't wait to find out who won the FEDEX Jack off performance of the year award. Seriously, what is the freaking point of this stupid FEDEX award? Does anybody really care?

-Seriously, baby photos, come on FOX, show the ladies!!

-With June Jones now leaving Hawaii to go take the SMU job you have to believe the Warriors will go hard for Titan's offensive coordinator Norm Chow. He would be a perfect fit for Hawaii and could get some recruits out there on name recognition alone.

-Okay, what the hell, it's time for a prediction on this game. I see the spread is in favor of the LSU Tigers by 4 points and with good reason. Essentially this is a home game for the Tigers in the Superdome and the crowd should be 4/1 in favor of the purple and gold. That being said I think the Buckeyes have a lot to prove tonight and are tired of hearing everybody telling them they suck ass and don't belong in this game. The underdogs usually prevail in this game, so I'm going with the Buckeyes.

Final score prediction: Ohio State 31 LSU 30

-Oh fuck, Thom Brennaman is doing the game. I want to hear him bitch about teams trying to run up the score in the third quarter like he did during the Sugar Bowl.

-The Suckeyes looked focus. God I hope this game isn't a blow out.

-Les-ticles is ready to go, no word if he is going to take the Michigan job tomorrow. Supposedly Rich Rodriguez has an out clause for Hawaii.

-Is that Chris Weinke? Isn't that guy collecting Social Security by now? LSU just won the toss by Tony Dorsett and have elected to differ to the second half. See people, you must have huge testicles to make that kind of decision this early on.

-Band shot, take another shot bitches!

-Oh shit, LSU is coming out fired up. Boeckman had little time to throw that first pass thanks to Jean-Francois.

-Nice pass to Robiskie, good to see Ohio State opening up the playbook early on and not trying to play smash mouth football with LSU.

-Beanie Wells to the House! Take another shot for the band. LSU's defense might be the most overated ever. Teams run all over them! Big Ten country rejoice, for now.

Beanie is so getting layed tonight!!
Ohio State 7 LSU 0

-Great block by Alex Boone sprung Wells. Qb Matt Flynn looks scared and no he doesn't look like Matt Damon.

-I'm sorry, but Early Doucet blows. Why Kiper and the other draft experts have him rated so high is beyond me.

-LSU looks nervous, great 3 and out for the Buckeyes.

-Dude, Boeckman deep for a first down. Tressel is coming out and attacking. I like it. Band shot, take another!

-Did you know that Buckeye is German for Whale's vagina?

-Band shot, take another!

-Good stop by the LSU defense. Field goal makes it 10-0 early in the first.
Dude! The Buckeyes are looking strong...

-Ohio State 10 LSU 0

-Great story, I almost shed a tear for the former teammates now playing against each other BS blah blah.

-Umm, have you guys heard of this Jumper Movie? yeah, me too, first time here.

-Vernon Gholston will be a first round draft pick.

-Good play action by Flynn to Doucet. I'm still confused why teams do play action on third and long. It confuses nobody.

-Hester is rocking the BAMA Bangs in his team picture.

-Band shot, take another!

-Of course Doucet makes a great catch on a bad throw thus proving I don't know shit about talent. I know beer though, and it tastes great right now.

-LSU Band Shot, take another!

-Good drive by LSU so far even though Trinton Holliday was looking like he took early Vegas action on the under in the first quarter by acting like he had no idea he was suppose to take the hand off. Sure thing little man!

-Flynn forced to throw it away on 3rd and long. Good pressure forcing Flynn out of the pocket.

-32 yard field goal is good by LSU.

Ohio State 10 LSU 3

-Wells is a beast, great spin move. 5 carries for 87 yards already. He might be my #1 rated RB for next year, no doubt he will be top 3 in the game.

-Great coverage by LSU's corner.

-Looked like Hartline was interfered there but no call.

-Fumble, looks like LSU recovered.

-LSU band shot, take another!

-First quarter over. Buckeyes 10 LSU 3.

-Poon shots: 0

-Band shots: 10

-I hate you FOX. My privates want to tingle, not my liver assholes!


-Third and short and the whole free world knows Hester is getting the ball and yet he always gets the first down. Amazing.

-Sweatervest is fired up after the true freshman defensive end made a good play on the RB.

-LSU Touchdown! Flynn to tight end Dickson right after the Little Animal faced rape a WR.

Band Shot, take another! Band Shot, take Another!

Tied game 10-10.

-LSU band shot, take another!

-Beanie Wells just bitch slapped a LSU defender. Beanie is again a beast.

-Ohio State band shot, take another!

-Touchdown dropped! Perfect throw by Boeckman, CB Jackson knocked it loose on the bobble.

-LSU Safety Steltz is hurt. Did you know half the oxygen in the world comes from Serena Williams ass.

-Huge blocked field goal by LSU. Still tied 10-10.

-Hester with a long run on first down.

-By the way Jumper comes out on Valentines Day, how romantic.

-Flynn just got hammered.

-LSU has more than double the first downs than Ohio State right now, momentum defanitely in their favor right now. Some midget just almost broke off a TD run for LSU.

-Buckeyes need to stop them here, hold them to field goal and then regroup on offense.

-How fucking gay is the director from FOX? Seriously, find some poon and show it. This is football not men's gymnastics.

-Flynn, perfect pass to Lafell in the corner of the end zone for a TD on a roll out.

LSU 17 Ohio State 10. This might get real ugly, real fast.

-I'm starting to think the dropped pass in the end zone by Ohio State is going to come back and haunt them. Not to mention they didn't score on that drive.

-Huge one handed interception by LSU CB Coleman on a fade route.

-LSU down to the 1 on a cross pass play to TE Dickson. LSU scores a TD here it could be over fast.

-TOUCHDOWN HESTER! Great second effort, was there ever really a doubt he was going to get the ball in a goal line situation. 24 unanswered points.

LSU 24 Suckeyes 10
Jacob Hester is old school bitch!

-LSU defense is rocking right now, OSU needs a first down bad.

-Great pass by Boeckman to Hartline. Buckeye sticker for that play.

-The old Baltimore Raven's play on third and long. Throw a 5 yard pass. Makes perfect sense.

-Take a shot. FOX coverage sucks, we deserve one.

-Halftime. Familiar situation. SEC blowing away a Big Ten team again. Somewhere some dip shit still believes the SEC is overrated. More than likely they live on the West Coast or in the Northeast.


-Piss break people.

-The half time kicking contest was pretty lame. AllState couldn't dish out the dough to make it a million dollar kick from the 50 yard line? I'm glad I'm with State Farm, I always know they are there. Band shot, slug a whole beer now.

-Finally FOX gives us a poon shot. Then of course they give us 2000 band shots. Fags!

-Holy shit, I think my liver just exploded, too many band shots, too many Bud Light shots. I would have to kick my own ass if I ever wore one of those silly looking LSU band feather hats.

-Anybody else get a laugh out of the Roger Clemen's press conference today where he stated he was forced to miss his old college coach funeral today because of the press conference. Umm, Roger, you are the one in charge of scheduling the press conference. You could have scheduled it weeks ago, or better yet tomorrow. Don't give me your bull shit excuses and try to make me feel sorry for you when even you are trying to upstage a person's death by holding a press conference on the same day. Clemens is now worse than Bonds in my eyes. What a fucking phoney! Him and Urban Liar should exchange notes at halftime.

-Holy shit, Jamarcus Russell just stole one of Bill Cosby's sweaters. Great pick with the #1 pick there Raiders!

-Eddie George is already giving up on the Buckeyes.

-Band shot, take another!

-Trinity gets the game changing performance of the year, free booze and hungover co-ed sexual regrets and ensuing years of therapy starting tomorrow courtesy of Pontiac.

-LSU scores on this opening drive this game in the second half I think it would be safe to say this game is over. But the drinking never stops!

-Interesting, Ohio State had more total yards in the first half. Turnovers will kill.

-Ugly LSU Poon shot, take another!

-I have a feeling LSU is going to run the ball to death here in the second half until the Shiteyes can stop them.

-A chance for a Poon shot and they show two cows dressed in beads. Like I'm really going to believe guys gave out those beads to Bessie and the Chick-Fil-A Cow. FOX blows ass. I might as well be watching LOGO Tv. At least on there I could see some hot lesbian ass.

-Okay, Buckeyes finally stop them. No reason to turn it off yet.

-What in the dumbdick is #38 doing? Roughing the kicker, automatic first down on a 4th and 23. The Buckeyes are fucked!

-Band shot, take another!

-Louisiana people still believe Elvis is alive, Jacob Hester is the fan club president.

-TOUCHDOWN LSU, Early Doucet with the reception and then poor tackling on the Buckeyes. A couple of band shots means more for you and I.LSU is rolling, Doucet heard my comments regarding his "talent."

LSU 31 Ohio State 10

-Boeckman looking like Troy Smith except he is white, faster, and doesn't have a BS Heisman Trophy in his back pocket.

-Do helmet stickers mean good plays on the field or good plays in the sack? I'm starting to think the Buckeyes mean neither because they ain't getting anything after this game.

-Band shot, take another!

-Fuck Blu-Ray. I've seen it in Best Buy and it doesn't look any better to the naked eye than regular DVD. I'm going to be pissed if they switch all DVD's to Blu-ray and force me to buy an overpriced Blu-Ray player.

-Michael Crabtree as the player of the year. hmm, interesting choice, had an unbelievable season.

-Two Band shots, take two!

-Finally, interception Buckeyes. All-American Malcolm Jenkins with the pick, just barely stepped out of bounds.

-Band shot, take another!

-4th and 5, got to kick the field goal right now.

-Touchdown Buckeyes on a great catch, numerous band shots, take at least 4. Tressel just proved why he is coaching the Buckeyes and I am not. He has balls!
LSU 31 Ohio State 17...there are big floppy donkey balls underneath those sweats.

-Looks like Malcolm Jenkins woke up with that interception, he is all over the field right now and proving he deserved AA accolades.

-End of the third quarter with LSU up by two touchdowns despite Ohio State having more total yards at the moment. LSU does have 22 first downs compared to just 9 for the Buckeyes.


-Good defensive stop by the Buckeyes, need to stay away from the punter here. They do but the punter kicks into the end zone, Buckeyes will take it from the 20 with hopes of scoring a TD to close within 7. Time to crack another beer.

-Big pass play to WR Hartline, the kid looks like a really good player. By the way Ohio State only has two senior starters so expect them to be the favorite to win the Big Ten again next year.

-Freshman Safety Chad Jones is going to develop into one of the best defensive players in the nation within the next couple of years. The kid can flat out play and has a nose for the ball.

-Band shot, take another!

-4th and 7 here, my bets are Boeckman will be looking for Hartline on a cross pattern.

-Boeckman was looking for Hartline but good coverage on LSU's part. Now that was some swarming, nasty defense. LSU ball on the fumble recovery.

-Booth review stands, 15 yard penalty for trying to decapitate the QB or something like that.

-Band shot, take another!

-Big 3 and out there by the Buckeye defense. With that being said they are going to need some big plays soon with 9 minutes left in the game to have a chance of tying it.

-Band shots, take 2 shots!

-Band shots, take 2 more!

-Brilliant fucking call there on 3rd down Tressel.

-You might want to hurry it up there a little bit Buckeyes.

-Glenn Dorsey with a big strip/sack. Recovered by Boeckman.

-Holy shit, Chad Jones is also a badass baseball player. Drafted in the third round by the Astros, that kid has the world by his balls.

-Finally, the second Poon shot of the telecast. Great job Fox.

-Band shot, take another.

-Interception, this game is over. Horrible pass by Boeckman.

-Good job by Doucet or Dipshit as I call him for running out of bounds.

-Band shot, take another!

-Ali Highsmith got away with that hit to Boeckman that caused the fumble, looked pretty bush league to me.

-First instance of LES-ticles, going for it on 4th down instead of punting. This game is officially over!

-Band shot, take another!

-Touchdown LSU. Blowout city again. SEC Champions=BCS Champions

-Band shots, take 5 more!

-LSU 38 Ohio State 17

-Ohio State loves that crossing pattern to Hartline. Touchdown Buckeyes.

LSU 38 Ohio State 24

-Band shot, take another!

-Well, 4 out of 5 BCS games were stinkers this year. Good thing we don't have a playoff because then 2 loss teams could win a National Title. Oh wait, yeah, can't use that excuse anymore as a reason not to have a playoff.

-You know an Angel gets it's wings everytime a Buckeye fan cries. Tonight about 4 million of them got their wings.

-Great scene with Bo Pelini with the Gatorade dunking.


-Glenn Dorsey is going to get Shaq type ass tonight.

-Band shots, take a lot more, drink till you forgot about this stinker.

-See you in the morning, or late afternoon, whenever I decide to wake up. Oh yeah, Ohio State is now 0-9 against the SEC in bowl games.

-The SEC is now 4-0 in BCS National Championship games.

-The SEC is the best conference, end of discussion.

TIME magazine is reporting that Ohio State fans are not the only ones paying for sex now a days, even monkeys do it.

It turns out that one of humanity's oldest professions may be even older than we thought: In a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers found that male primates "paid" for sexual access to females — and that the going rate for such access dwindled as the number of available females went up.

I often wondered on lonely nights how much some hot monkey ass would cost but never thought somebody would actually research it. I can't confirm the rumor that ex-Atlanta Falcon and prostitute lover Eugene Robinson offered up his services for the experiment.

Honestly I'm not surprised monkeys pay for sex, the writing has been on the wall for years...

Forget about the game preview since we will be drunk blogging it tonight, here is a little Poon Preview...

LSU Poon, courtesy of PoonSEC...

Ohio State Poon

Some of the Ohio State chicks have a little caveman in them so I think we have to give the edge to LSU. Since tonight's game is on FOX there is little chance we will see any poon coverage considering how much they love to show the bands. In all honesty if FOX wants to make up for their shitty coverage so far they will zoom in on the poon and let the nation enjoy it. Just for the love of God please stop showing the bands. We demand poon!

Offensive lineman A.J. Harmon is the #1 rated prep offensive guard in the nation but even after verbally committing to Georgia during the US Army All-American game he still doesn't exactly know who #1 is among his choices. This is even after he claimed he was a 100% committed to Clemson...

"When I committed to them [Clemson] I was 100 percent," Harmon said. "I am 100 percent Georgia right now.

"But I know it is not over until February," he said. "I hope I can make a decision by February."

See this is the new world of recruiting. Today a verbal pledge means little to the recruit or the coaches recruiting them. It just means the team they committed to is the current leader. And in the instance of a few recruit head cases out there it really means nothing. In some cases I can understand a recruit opening up their recruitment whether it deals with grades, coaching changes, or being closer to home. But in the case of Harmon I really just want to shake the big guy and tell him to make up his fucking mind. If you are not sure then why commit?

With a little over 4 weeks left till National Signing Day, here are some of the recruits who "verbally" declared this past weekend in the US Army All-American game and ESPN's Under Armor Game:

-Patrick Johnson, the #1 rated cornerback in the nation, committed to LSU after an earlier verbal to Miami. Johnson is the type of player who can step in right away and play and if he indeed lands in Les Miles hands he is a major coup out of the Florida area.

-Deion Walker, a 6'3 top 5 wide receiver in the nation out of Virginia verbally committed to Notre Dame at the Under Armor game. Walker joins a Notre Dame class that is currently #1 ranked by and joins Michael Floyd and John Goodman in the current class of 6'3 or tall receivers. Walker will need to put on some weight before he see the playing field in South Bend.

-LSU picked up a home-state product in TE Tyler Edwards out of nearby Monroe. Edwards is a top 5 prep tight end in the country and was offered by every major SEC power.

-Georgia lost out on a home product in WR Josh Jarboe out of Cedar Grove high school. Jarboe is a top 10 prep wide receiver who verbally committed to Bob Stoops and Oklahoma. Expect early playing time for Jarboe next season in Norman, he is that good.

-Solomon Koehler, a DT out of Hawaii, pledged to Arizona despite heavily weighing an offer from his home state. Maybe the departure of June Jones played a part or maybe he just wanted to go to school in the desert with a ton of hot chicks. I think I will go with the later.

-Gerell Robinson, a great all-around player who will play receiver in college, picked Arizona State over Notre Dame at the US Army game. Rumors had been flying that Robinson looked to be all Irish leading up to the declaration, but Robinson decided to stay close to home and attend ASU. He will have a chance to play right away in Tempe and can also play safety in the college game.

-MarQueis Gray, a highly touted QB out of Indianapolis picked the Minnesota Gophers. More than likely this will be the last time you hear about him till he senior season when he leads the Gophers to a 7 win season.

-Offensive tackle Matt Patchan picked the Gators over heavily-favored Miami. One of the top 10 offensive tackles in the nation, Patchan's father played for Miami in the mid 80's but decided Gainesville would be the best place to get his dick wet for the next 4 years.

-Pitt and Dave Wannstedt(insert joke here) picked up a huge commit in ILB Shayne Hale. Hale decided to stay in-state over going to Ohio State and playing for National Championships. Sounds like a wise decision to me. Oh yeah, Hale could play right away and is versatile enough to also play some defensive end.

-Ryan Williams, a top 5 prep runningback, picked his in-state Hokies over Rutgers and Boston College at the Under Armor game. Williams has a chance to play early in Blacksburg and is a big pick up for Frank Beamer.

-Brandon Smith picked Michigan. He is an athlete out of New Jersey who looks big enough to be a linebacker in college.

Of course the #1 recruit in the nation is QB Terrelle Pryor out of Jeanette, PA. Watching him for the first time live in the US Army game I came away very impressed and can see why he is so heavily hyped. Who ever wins the battle for his service will be getting a great player who has the look of future All-American written all over him. Right now Ohio State, Michigan, and Oregon are in an all out battle. I pray everyday he doesn't pick Michigan.


Nothing like some vag talk to start off the work week with that SuperBad actor.



If he has Bubba's vote it might as well be my vote.