SportsCrack Blog

Friday, May 02, 2008


Nick Swardson at his bastardy best.

I leave with this video as a goodbye for a while. See, I'm getting married tomorrow at high noon. If you have been married for any period of time spare me the condolences. I'm already hook, line, and sinker into this. And if you are wondering if I am nervous then I must reassure you I am not. My fine lady makes me happy and most of all she puts up with my shit...which should win her a Nobel Peace Prize in my book. So yeah, the blog posts will be few and far between for the next couple of weeks while we are backpacking through Europe drinking the finest German beer while loving the beautiful scenery of Switzerland. So the honeymoon awaits with a beautiful lady in hand and a bottle of Absinthe in my backpack...



Okay people, put down the beer or the needle, whatever floats your boat, and be prepared for one of the most shocking things to happen since Michael Vick got busted for dog fighting. You might want to sit down for this one and grab a handful of kleenex. It's one of the most shocking developments in college football history. Yes, the homely saint known across the Bayou as Ryan Perrilloux, is now LSU's FORMER starting quarterback!

I never saw this coming!

Time to turn down the sarcasm meter and let's try to conquer a question the whole raving, foaming college football world has wanted to know: What in the hell did Perrilloux do to get his ass kicked out of LSU?

If you are the starting quarterback for a SEC team let alone a major Division 1 college you are guaranteed some things. One of them is plenty of white women. They may seem like good Catholic girls but deep down they all just want a salty piece of a football player. And by salty I mean semen. I didn't want to confuse anybody out there. Second thing you are guaranteed is the right to get away with a lot of shit most players wouldn't. See, if you are the starting quarterback you have as much say, hell more say, in a win or a loss as the head coach. If you play good the team usually wins. You play bad or have noodle legs from banging one too many white Catholic girls the night before your team will probably lose. This is not the case for the most part with the other football players. Most of them are interchangeable. Another thing you are guaranteed is some slack, if not downright forgiveness, for fucking up off the field.

So here is where Perrilloux enters, or better yet exits the discussion. This kid has had to fuck up more times than Amy Winehouse with heroin in order to get kicked out of LSU. The rumor is he failed another drug test. Supposedly the kid loves marijuana more than he loved playing football. In layman's terms it's called Quincy Carter disease. But this can't be the only reason why head coach Les Miles made the final decision. I'm imagining something way more horrific. Either this kid has dumped tens if not hundreds of dead hooker bodies in the water somewhere or he got caught molesting Miles wife and/or daughter. It's got to be the dead hooker story because Miles would be willing to sacrifice a family member for the good of the team. Hell, all good coaches worth their salt do it.

Perrilloux, let's be frank here, has an enormous amount of talent and could be one of the best QB's in the nation. He can throw and run with the best of them and has an NFL ready body that should make millions for him, his family, and of course his posse. But with all the talent he also has the brain the size of a teenage driver on their cellphone. Okay, maybe not that small but you get my point. The kid is an idiot. Before he even enrolled at LSU he proclaimed he would be the starting quarterback his freshman season because the other quarterbacks on the roster weren't impressive. Jamarcus Russell and Matt Flynn didn't take too kindly to the juvenile thoughts of one Perrilloux. Instead of taking a leadership role as ALL quarterbacks should he decided to smoke a ton of weed, counterfeit some money, and enter casinos with false identification while at LSU. And this is the stuff we only know about for sure. There had to be a ton of other illegal things like smuggling babies across the Mexican border or a secret cellar where he kept his latest victim because LSU doesn't kick players out. Especially the soon-to-be starting quarterback of the returning BCS National Champs.

LSU and Perrilloux will pick up the pieces of their failed marriage and move on and be better people for it. The Tigers have so much God given talent they will again compete for a SEC Title even without Perrilloux. Perrilloux has so much God given physical talent that some school will give him a second chance. Yes, Dennis Erickson just made the call followed by June Jones and Urban Meyer.

So what lesson can we learn from all this?

College Football is a hell of a drug that Perrilloux can't swallow!