SportsCrack Blog

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

You Know You Have Had Too Much To Drink When...

... Styrofoam tastes so fucking good.  It's probably got less calories than a rice cake too.  Delicious and nutritious.  I gotta get me some Natty Light and styrofoam and make a night of it.

Andrelton Simmons Makes Barehanded Play, Morphs into Simba

I can only imagine how much drool was pooled up on Chip Carey and Joe Simpson's chins after Braves shortstop Andrelton Simmons made another platinum glove play.  Simba as he is affectionately called makes these plays so routine you almost forget how great of a fielder he is.  Now if only his bat would come around then we could be looking at the best short stop in the game.  At this point though he isn't even close to Troy Tulowitzki in that regard.

Monday, July 28, 2014


We got two new Cheesehead inspired shirts on sale at our STORE PAGE.

If you are a fan of the defense and believes it helps win championships then "The ClayMaker" shirt is perfect for you.

But if you like watching Aaron Rodgers sling the pigskin around to his favorite receiver then the "Air Jordy" shirt is for you.

Or better yet just get both of them to show your support for the Pack.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Last night Derek Jeter passed Lou Gehrig in all-time New York Yankees doubles and we gotta give our respect to the accomplishment.  Gehrig and Babe Ruth are clearly the two best all-time Yankees and you also gotta have Mickey Mantle and Joe Dimaggio up there in the top 5.  Is Jeter now top 5 all-time Yankees?  It's either him or Mariano Rivera at this point right?  

By the way Jordan came out with another poignant commercial.  This one is for Alex Rodriguez.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Taking Pre Orders for the New "Bring Back Chief Noc-A-Homa" Shirts

Back in the day the Bravos had one of the greatest mascots to ever reside in a stadium.   His name was Chief Noc-A-Homa and he had a teepee in the bleachers in the old Atlanta Fulton-County Stadium.  It's been almost 30 years since Noc-A-Homa would exit his teepee and do a playful dance whenever the home team hit a homer.  In this day and age it's almost frowned upon to even acknowledge anything to do with Native Americans and we don't think it's right.  We miss Noc-A-Homa and his smiling face.  If Notre Dame can have their Fighting Irish mascot on the sidelines and Georgia can have their UGA dawg why can't the Braves have Noc-A-Homa back?

Help raise awareness for the Chief and your ATL heritage with this classic "Bring Back Noc-A-Homa" shirt.

We are taking pre orders now.  Shipping will start this week.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Stuart Scott ESPY Speech

Keep on fighting the good fight Stuart.  No easy words to use here other than cancer fucking sucks.  But Scott is the type of person who can beat it because of his positivity and his ability to get the best treatment possible at John Hopkins.  Keep on battling.  You are an inspiration.  Don't give up.  Don't ever give up.

Mighty Kacy Catanzaro, a Towson University Gymnast, Completes the American Ninja Warrior Course

I guess I am no longer the most famous Towson University Alum.  Kacy Catanzaro, a former gymnast at Towson, is the first female to ever advance to the American Ninja Warrior finals.  You can see Mighty Kacy has some insane upper body strength along with great balance.  She's not too bad on the eyes either.  It's refreshing to see someone with some actual talent get the recognition she deserves unlike all of these "reality stars" of late.

Go Kacy!

The New College Football National Championship Trophy Looks Completely Shitty and Feminine

Bring back the Crystal Ball I declare.  This new National Championship Trophy they unveiled a couple of days ago looks like it got stolen out of the Macy's Revlon section.  Large Marge is going to be pissed when she finds out her giant red lipstick tube was taken and made to pass off as some kind of trophy.  In all seriousness though this trophy looks shitty and/or Canadian.  I guess I won't mind it when Notre Dame QB Everett Golson is hoisting it in January though.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Jordan #RE2PECT Commercial for Derek Jeter is Almost Perfect

With tip of the hats from Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, and David Letterman all this new Jordan commercial for Derek Jeter was missing was a few shots of his real accomplishments: his girlfriends.  Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Adriana Lima, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Biel, Tyra Banks, and Vanessa Minnillo all in their prime had a piece of the Jeets.  That's more impressive than anything he did on the diamond.  He conquered numerous starlets off the field and had the intestinal fortitude to trade up every single time.  Tip of the hat to you Jeter.

Speaking of Jeter is there a better shirt paying tribute to the guy than "The Captain?"  Just so simple and perfectly stated.  You might as well buy 7 of them for each day of the week.

Monday, July 14, 2014

The College Football Playoff Was Rudy's Dream

Just like everything else in college football it's good to see the new playoffs will revolve around Notre Dame in some way.  Because let's be honest without Notre Dame college football is just boring and irrelevant.

Isn't that right SEC mouth breather?

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Skylar Grey Plays Cleveland's Version of Lebron's "I'm Coming Home"

Welcome home Lebron.  Now win some championships.  It's only been over 50 years since Cleveland has experienced any championship of any kind.  No pressure.  Don't fuck it up.

And be sure to buy an official FOR6IVEN shirt while you are at it.  This one.  Not that shitty cheap version* they are selling up in Cleveland.

*full disclosure I'm actually jealous that shirt has sold out faster than ours.  I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.  Must be a Cleveland thing.

Friday, July 11, 2014




Nice Anti Gambling Ad For Germany Soccer

Smile kid.  They fucking won 7-1 over Brazil.  Hopefully your Dad double downed vs Argentina so you can get into that community college you always wanted to go to.

Russian Woman Basketball Player Will Break You

Jesus Christ lady this isn't real sports we are talking about?  It's women's basketball.  Be nice like those Danish Handball players.  No need to throw elbows around.  Oh wait they were playing Great Britian you say?  Carry on then.

Asian Ball Player Slides Like a Drunk Asshole

This guy had to be shitfaced right?  I mean nobody in their right mind slides like this.  Just full on face into the dirt is only seen at The Preakness when either some drunk loses his balance on the porta potties or the horse gets tripped up before taking a trip to the glue factory.

Nice effort though.

Via BarStoolSports

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Sounds Like The New Under Armour Notre Dame Shamrock Series Uniforms Will Feature a Helmet With the Monogram ND on it

This is the first nonofficial description of what the new Notre Dame Under Armour Shamrock Series uniforms will look like and from what I read I love it.  I've always wanted to see the gold helmet with the interlocking ND in navy on it.  I think it will look really sharp.  Pictures should be available soon and we will be selling the helmets as soon as we can get a hold of them.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Prince Fielder in the new ESPN Body Issue is as Disturbing as one would expect

ESPN did a good job finding all the athletes we don't want to see naked and put them in their new Body Issue.  Thanks assholes!  Once again you guys are creating the news instead of reporting it.  Seeing Prince Fielder in the buff will haunt my nightmares for years.  Therapy will only do so much after seeing that round, overpaid "athlete" holding a bat naked.  Prince is the new Freddie Krueger.  Don't close you eyes kids!  Prince is coming for you.

The only decent athlete they found was Hilary Knight who apparently plays women's hockey.  Some guys find muscles on girls attractive.  I'm not one of them but it's better than being fat I guess.

Monday, July 07, 2014

Danish HandBall is Indeed Very Handy...

Got a hand it (pun intended) to the girl in yellow.  She just went for it.  Full hands all over blue.  Surprised she didn't make a Peter Griffin honking noise when squeezing them.  I'm going to need to do some more research on Danish Handball.  Yeah.  "Research."

Video via Ebaum's World

Australian Football League Looks Fun and Completely Safe

If you are into getting choked out by blokes in tight white shorts then I highly recommend trying out for the Australian Football League.  Only a gentleman could survive such a light hearted affair.

No Big Deal Just Johnny Manziel With a Rolled Up Bill in a Bathroom

Oh just another day in the life of Johnny Fucking Football.  According to BustedCoverage a tipster sent in this picture of Manziel rolling a bill in a Vegas bathroom before laying a kisser on Playboy Social model Dallas Parks...

Johnny's eyes tell the whole story.  Just a guy having a good old time with millions of dollars in his back pocket.  One rolled up bill at a time.

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

There isn't a player I hate more in the game than David Ortiz

When ever Big Papi gets popped for steroids will be the day justice was finally served for this egomaniac fraud.  If Ortiz played for any other franchise besides the Red Sox he would be 100% hated.  It would be Barry Bonds-like hatred.  But instead he plays in Boston and everybody in the Northeast (except Yankees fans of course) likes him because he helped lead the Red Sox to 3 World Series titles.  I hate his fucking attitude.  He bitches and moans at his coaches, teammates, and even official scorers if he feels the least bit slighted.  I call him the Black Shrek not just because he's an ugly dude who resembles an ogre but his heart is black too.  He's the biggest phony in the game since A-Rod isn't technically playing right now and his stats along with his shriveled up grapes are 200% PED induced.

By the way if I was the pitcher I would hit him straight in the neck.  He may be big but you know just like everything else about him Big Papi is all talk and would go down fast with one good punch.

One of the Strangest Triple Plays You Will Ever See

After two reviews, one by the Cleveland Indians at 2nd base and one by the Los Angeles Dodgers at home plate, a triple play was confirmed by the Indians.  Mark this in "shit I've never seen on a baseball field."  Great throw by Michael Brantley.  Brought back memories of my hose.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Johnny Football Now Hanging Out With Justin Bieber and Floyd Mayweather, Internet Will Crash with this Picture

After seeing this picture all my bets on Johnny Manziel having a successful NFL career are over.   While Justin Bieber and Floyd Mayweather are massive successes in their fields Johnny Football is still a rookie who has yet to take a snap in the NFL.  But he is already partying like he is Tom Brady.  I would say I feel bad for Cleveland Browns fans but shit didn't we all kind of expect this when the Browns drafted him?  Somehow "they" would fuck it up is now turning into Johnny will go Len Bias on us and vanish before we even had a chance to watch him try to turn a dreadful franchise around.  Look I'm not here to hate on Manziel.  Shit I would be doing the same fucking thing if I was in his size 15 cleats.  I'd be out partying and banging 10's with my ugly mug posing for selfies with every celebrity you could name.  But at the end of the day there is no way I could succeed because the game is second to the fame.  Maybe Johnny grows up but why should he?  He's Johnny Fucking Football and it's his world.

Picture via BarStoolSports

Notre Dame Unveils New Under Armour Football Cleats

Notre Dame equipment manager Ryan Grooms tweeted out this picture of the brand new Under Armour football cleats the team will wear this upcoming season.  Straight fire!  Anything less than an undefeated season in those will be highly disappointing.  Don't fuck it up Under Armour!  Click Clack.

USA vs Belgium: Are You Ready?

One Nation.  One Team.  Today is the day for USA Soccer to make a whole nation proud and do the impossible: Get to the quarterfinals.  We already survived the "Group of Death" but that's not enough.  We need to win today!  We have to beat Belgium.