SportsCrack Blog

Thursday, April 30, 2015

2015 Final NFL Mock Draft

  1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State  
    Forget about the rape and stealing crabs and shouting obscene vulgarities towards women because obviously the Bucs have and are willing to wager their franchise on Jameis.  Winston is the best QB in this draft.  I believe that.  He's either going to be the next Ben Roethlisberger or Jamarcus Russell.
  2. Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
    The Flyin' Hawaiian is a saint on and off the field but does he have the leadership skills to be an effective NFL QB?  I look at Mariota and see a system QB.  Seriously when was the last time an Oregon player made an impact at the next level?  Keep thinking.
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Amari Cooper, WR, AlabamaThe Jaguars want to surround QB Blake Bortles with the most weapons in the NFL.  It's why they are going to do the dumb thing and pass on a bigger need on defense and take the best WR in the class.   Cooper may become a stud but WR don't win you many football games.
  4. Oakland Raiders – Leonard Williams, DT, USCI was tempted to have the Raiders select another WR in Kevin White here because as you know they are the Raiders and they almost always pick the fast, shiny new object.  But instead I got them going with one of the safer picks in the draft in Williams.  He's a Raiders fan and he's from USC.  A match made in hell.  The Raiders hit a HR last year with Khalil Mack by the way.
  5. Washington – Dante Fowler Jr., OLB, FloridaIf Fowler falls this far the Redskins got the steal of the draft even if it's a top 5 pick.  Fowler is the best player in this draft in my opinion.  I think he makes an immediate impact like Khalil Mack made last year for the Raiders.
  6. New York Jets – Randy Gregory, OLB, NebraskaI want to see the Jets draft Gregory just because he is the biggest enigma in the draft.  The Jets love to cause controversy and a lot of scouts think Gregory might be the best talent in this draft but he's got the most unsavory reputation off the field.  What better place for him to mature then under the bright lights of the Big Apple?
  7. Chicago Bears – Shane Ray, OLB, MissouriThe Bears need pass rushers.  Shit they need a lot of things.  Ray despite the marijuana arrest can get to the QB.  I see a lot of mocks having him drop out of the 1st because of marijuana.  It's crazy talk.  If Jameis can rape and steal and still go #1 overall there is no reason to think Ray's stock has fallen because of a little weed.
  8. Atlanta Falcons – Todd Gurley, RB, GeorgiaFalcons fans are going to either laugh or cry at this pick because the Falcons have much bigger needs than RB but you still have to remember that Thomas Dimitroff has a seat in the draft room.  Gurley without the knee injury would have been a top 5 pick even though RBs are considered interchangeable in today's NFL.  He's the best talent to come out at that position since Adrian Peterson was beating the shit out of his kid.  And as a Falcons fan I want to see this pick be made because it would be so polarizing to the whole fan base.  One side would love it because he went to UGA while another would lose their shit because the Falcons need help on the defensive side of the ball especially in the front 7.
  9. New York Giants – Brandon Scherff, OT, IowaNot much to say here other than the Giants need someone to protect Eli.  Scherff seems to be graded the best in a weak class of tackles.
  10. St. Louis Rams – Kevin White, WR, West VirginiaThe Rams love wide outs from Morgantown and I must admit I like Kevin White a lot.  And other than that the Rams suck donkey dick so this pick will help seal a top 5 pick for next year before they move to Los Angeles.
  11. Minnesota Vikings –  DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville Teddy Bridgewater gets back his favorite target from college.  I like Bridgewater's game and I think Parker will be an excellent player in the NFL.
  12. Cleveland Browns – Vic Beasley, OLB, ClemsonThe Browns are trying to trade up to get the next great NFL QB failure in Mariota but if they don't I got them taking the work out wonder from Clemson.
  13. New Orleans Saints – Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan StateThe Saints need help at corner and Waynes seems to be the safest bet here.  Gotta hand it to Sparty they know how to produce corners.
  14. Miami Dolphins – Marcus Peters, CB, Washington The Dolphins would love to get another WR target for Ryan Tannehill and could go with one of the many second tier college ones but instead decide to go defense.  With the Suh signing you might as well make sure you got someone who can cover since the front 4 should be stout.
  15. San Francisco 49ers – Arik Armstead, DE, OregonThe 49ers would love to team up Armstead on the opposite side of Aldon Smith.  They get their wish granted.
  16. Houston Texans – Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky When in doubt go defense with speed.  Dupree could be a steal here for the Texans who continue to load up on that side of the ball.
  17. San Diego Chargers – Andrus Peat, OT, StanfordThe Chargers might be taking a QB here if they trade away Philip Rivers as rumored.  If they don't I got them taking someone who can protect Rivers on either one of his sides.
  18. Kansas City Chiefs – La’el Collins, OG, LSUYes this guy might have had something to do with murdering his pregnant ex-girlfriend but boy oh boy can he block.  He's worth the PR nightmare.
  19. Cleveland Browns (from Buffalo) –  Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri 
    The Browns have to make this pick.  DGB needs to be partying with Johnny Football and Josh Gordon.  This must happen.  It's so Cleveland it hurts.
  20. Philadelphia Eagles – Danny Shelton, DT, WashingtonI was awfully tempted to have Chip Kelly take Melvin Gordon here.  But the Eagles have gone so far off the radar this offseason I think they actually might make a prudent decision for once and take the big DT from Washington.  "Why would they do that?" you ask...I have no fucking clue but I gotta respect the mad genius that is Chip Kelly.
  21. Cincinnati Bengals – Cameron Erving, C, Florida StateWith no pass rushers on their board left they go with the next safe bet: protect Andy Dalton's ginger soulless ass.  Erving will work.
  22. Pittsburgh Steelers – Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake ForestThe Steelers need secondary help.  And I guess this guy from Wake Forest can help.  Honestly I have no clue who this guy is but I saw he is highly rated so there you go.
  23. Detroit Lions – Malcolm Brown, DT, TexasThe Lions lost Suh and Fairley and need interior help to team up with new addition Haloti Ngata.  Brown is the best DT left on the board at this point although I could see them taking undersized Eddie Goldman here.
  24. Arizona Cardinals – Melvin Gordon, RB, WisconsinI know you don't take RBs in the first round but the Cardinals don't have shit at that position.  Gordon is probably a product of his college system but the fucker ran for like a million yards last year for Wisconsin and so far has graded out well through all the workouts.  In other words he is worth the risk here.
  25. Carolina Panthers – Ereck Flowers, OT, MiamiIt's either going to be Flowers or D.J Humphries here to help protect Cam Newton.  I did the educational thing and flipped a coin.  It landed on Flowers.  Congrats Carolina.
  26. Baltimore Ravens – Ronald Darby, CB, FSUThe Ravens hit on their picks like 90% of the time so watch out for Darby.  He will probably turn into the next Darrelle Revis.
  27. Dallas Cowboys – Eddie Goldman, DT, FSUWhat is wrong with me?  Another Criminole gets picked.  The Cowgirls get a guy who can plug the middle while also chasing down RBs.
  28. Denver Broncos – D.J. Humphries, OT, FloridaHumphries can step in right away and start at right tackle and help protect Peyton Manning for at least one more season.
  29. Indianapolis Colts – Landon Collins, S, AlabamaThe Colts need help at safety and despite all the mocks saying Collins won't be a 1st round pick anymore I think they take a chance on yet another Nick Saban defensive back product.
  30. Green Bay Packers – Shaq Thompson, OLB, WashingtonI absolutely love this pick.  Thompson could be the best defensive player not named Dante Fowler in this draft.  He's still raw but the guy is a play maker.  Reminds me a lot of Anthony Barr when he came out last year out of UCLA.
  31. New Orleans Saints (from Seattle) – Eric Kendricks, ILB, UCLAThe Saints are a train wreck right now so they need a leader for the middle of their defense.  Kendricks can help provide that if the Saints decide to go defense instead of another target for Drew Brees.
  32. New England Patriots – Eli Harold, OLB, VirginiaThe Patriots will probably trade down out of this pick but if they don't they take the best defensive player left on the board.  

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Ray Lewis Gives An Emotional Speech About The Baltimore Riots

Ray Lewis is the greatest middle linebacker of all-time and his football speeches are epic.   The former Baltimore Raven delivered a great one this morning to all the idiots out there in Baltimore who are deciding to riot and tear up their great city.  Stop being assholes!  If Ray Lewis can get away with murder (yes "allegedly" but we all know he did it wink wink) than what are you people rioting for?  I was just in Baltimore a month ago.  It was another awesome experience in the Charm City granted it was snowing.  I lived and worked in Baltimore.  I love the Orioles, the crabs, the people, the history and the Inner Harbor.  I even named my son Camden because of the ballpark.  But all of these asshole rioters aren't doing it for Freddie Gray and "justice."  They are breaking shit, stealing shit, and hurting people and local businesses because they are ASSHOLES.  Yes I'm sure some of the cops are probably assholes too but the rioters are just a bunch of herd mentality retards.  And if you are going to be an asshole or a retard at least be a funny one.  They are not.  Instead they have caused two postponements of Orioles games including tonight's affair with the Chicago White Sox which was suppose to be nationally televised on MLB TV.  Now I can't watch one of my favorite players in Jeff Samardzija hurl against my Orioles because a bunch of assholes are mad at the cops.  And the even shittier part is there were some peaceful protests in Baltimore but now it's all being overshadowed because of these assholes who want to break shit and cause anarchy.  Go home.  Drink some Colt 45.  Calm the fuck down so I can get on my life by watching the Orioles win another AL East crown.

Oh yeah and don't piss off Ray Lewis anymore.  You don't want to see Ray mad.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick Has Found His New Tight End: Chrissy Teigen

Bill Belichick is practically burning a hole into swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen's dress.  Good lord old man settle down.  Such a creeper move but also an ultimate power move by Belichick that I can't help but respect it.  Yeah he may have coached his team to 4 Super Bowl rings but he knows the most valuable tight end on that stage is not Gronk.  It's right there in front of him.  Pulling him in like a black hole in outer space.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Inside Amy Schumer's Parody of Friday Night Lights is Hilarious

Clear eyes, full hearts, don't rape.

I just finished Netflix binging the whole "Friday Night Lights" series last week so this particular "Inside Amy Schumer" Football Town Nights spoke volumes to me.  It hit me like the Steubenville HS Football rape case but in a non sexual assault covered up by a football obsessed town way.  Rape culture is never funny unless you have a fellow Towson University alum in Schumer doing a spot on Tami Taylor impression with the wine and the spin after sipping a glass.

Cheers to you Schumer!  It's not often you see a real life Cabbage Patch kid make fun of rape culture but she did it.  She really did.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Cubs Fans Know How To Catch a Ball With Their Beer

The Cubs may have not won a World Series since 1908 but don't tell their fans about it.  They are too busy catching foul balls with their suds.  I can't think of anything better than a dirty baseball in my beer and then chugging it like a lunatic.  Actually I can think of a million things but when you have 6 generations of fans who know nothing but losing you can't blame the Bleacher Bums for settling with baseball beer.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Kevin Pillar Climbs The Toronto Outfield Wall To Rob a Homer

I think we found the new Spiderman.  Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Kevin Pillar proves that even white men can jump while robbing a black man, Tampa Bay 2B Tim Beckham, of a home run.  Not bad for a guy I've never heard of before.  Are we sure this isn't Kevin Millar?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Nolan Arenado Makes The MLB Catch Of The Year

Colorado Rockies third baseman Nolan Arenado has won two Gold Gloves in his first two seasons.  Well you can put him down for another.  While running full speed, Arenado sacrificed his body and his career with this incredible catch going into the tarp.  And this wasn't some lightly hitting the tarp action.  This was a full knock-your-shoes off collision between Arenado and the tarp.  He's lucky he didn't break any bones.  With MLB making home plate collisions illegal this is the closest thing we are going to get to NFL type hitting.  Bravo Arenado.

Monday, April 13, 2015

New Spring College Football Preseason Top 25

With most universities having their spring football games completed last week and this week I felt it was time to put out a 2015 Preseason Top 25.  This of course could change drastically with injuries, transfers, coaching changes, suspensions, and incoming freshmen making an impact.  Shit last season we all threw Ohio State in the recycling bin when QB Braxton Miller went down with an injury and they won the whole fucking thing.  So take this top 25 Preseason College Football with a tiny grain of salt...

1. Ohio State 
2. TCU
3. Alabama
4. Oregon
5. Baylor
6. Michigan State
7. Clemson
8. Florida State
9. Notre Dame
10. Georgia Tech
11. Oklahoma
12. Stanford
13. Auburn
14. Arizona
15. LSU
16. Georgia
17. Arizona State
18. Missouri
19. Mississippi
20. Boise State
21. UCLA
22. USC
23. Wisconsin
24. Kansas State
25. Arkansas

Some thoughts: With returning QBs and a lot of depth on both lines of the ball Ohio State and TCU are clearly the top 2 teams in the nation.  They are almost interchangeable but I put the Buckeyes first because of Urban Meyer and because they are the returning champs.  Of course TCU could have won the playoffs last year if the committee got them in but that is another argument.  Honestly the only reason why I have Bama and Oregon so high is because of their recent success.  I think both programs could be due for big let down seasons.  It kills me to put Michigan State so high but other than Ohio State I don't see anybody on their schedule beating them and QB Connor Cook should have a Heisman worthy season.  I got 4 straight ACC teams finishing out the top 10 in Clemson, FSU, Notre Dame and Georgia Tech.  ND returns the most starters while Clemson and FSU return the most talent.  Tech has Justin Thomas back and run an offense that is very hard to game plan against.  I'm not sold on either USC, Georgia, or UCLA as top 10 preseason teams as most prognosticators are.  UGA and UCLA have unproven commodities behind center and USC has Steve Sarkisian as their coach.  Stanford is due to bounce back in a big way.  I could see them winning the PAC 12 and I might regret having them ranked outside of the top 10.  One could also make a case that Arkansas, yes the Razorbacks, might be the best team in the SEC West this year and I got them barely in the top 25.

Tiger Woods Is Full Of Shit, Says a Hand Bone Popped Out but He Fixed It

Come on Eldrick.  We aren't your ex-wife.  You honestly think we are going to believe a bone popped out of your hand and you just "put it back in it's place?"  You must think we work at the local Huddle House.

Tiger shot a 73 yesterday.  He finished The Masters at -5 which is a hell of a lot better than I thought he would going into Augusta.  He did have some incredible vintage Tiger shots that gave you a glimmer of hope he could pull something off.  But he was awful off the tees all weekend.  I think he only hit about 15% of his fairways.

Of course Jordan Spieth stole the show tying a Masters record (and Tiger one of course) finishing at -18 and was the first golfer since Raymond Floyd in 1976 to lead all four rounds.  Spieth is only 21 years old and last year finished 2nd in his first ever appearance in Augusta.  The kid is legit and him and Rory McIlroy could build a classic rivalry for the next 20 plus years.

In other words Tiger may bring in more viewers but the game of golf is in great hands with some young superstars.

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Jaylon Smith: Be Afraid Texas, Be Very Afraid

Come September 5th the Texas Longhorns are going to wish they never scheduled a home-and-home series vs Notre Dame.  Junior linebacker Jaylon Smith has been cross training at multiple linebacker spots and has been a raving tackling lunatic during the spring.  The returning All-American linebacker will surely win the Butkus, Bednarik, and whatever other defensive award you can name in 2015 because it's his season to shine.  If you thought Manti Te'o and his imaginary girlfriend was a special story in 2012 just wait for this fall when the Predator comes a knocking.

I want to say I feel bad for Charlie Strong and the whole state of Texas but they know what they are entering at Notre Dame Stadium.  A world of hurt, blood, tears and dreams crushed.  Bevo, it's what's for dinner.

True Detective Has a New Trailer

Listen nothing will beat Woody and Wooderson in the first season of True Detective but this new tease or trailer or what ever the fuck you want to call it looks down right ball tingly.  An all star cast of Rachel McAdams, Vince Vaughn, Colin Farrell, and Taylor Kitsch aka Tim Riggins should belt out some memorable scenes with the premiere on HBO slated for June 21st.  I cancelled my HBO subscription after the first season concluded but now it's time to fire up a free 3 months promo come June just so I can wet my tv viewing whistle.

This Should Be A New Reality Show: Drunk Girl Avoiding Highway Traffic

Good lord lady.  Can you be any more drunk?  You gotta love the dudes who are actually risking their lives on the highway for this black out drunk girl with the hopes of somehow bringing her home and getting her another Bill Cosby special.  The video starts off with her taking a mean piss right in the middle of the highway, pulling up her pants, and then playing chicken while stumbling in her high heels across San Diego traffic at 1:45 am.  If this was some dude or fat chick she would be splattered all over the highway like a Walking Dead zombie.  Instead she got a DUI and will probably have a new reality show.  God bless America and hot drunk chicks.

With The Masters Upon Us Now is a Good Time To Root For Rickie Fowler and His Girlfriend Alexis Randock

Rickie Fowler may wear goofy ass Puma hats and clothing but the dude is a straight up pimp when it comes to his golf game and his 19th hole ladies game.  Right now the soon to be Masters Champion (fingers and assholes crossed) is dating swimsuit model Alexis Randock which rhymes with you know what and oh my God Fowler is a lucky bastard.  Fowler is yet to win a major but who gives a shit.  He's hitting it in the right hole every single night.  Enough with my crude sexual golf innuendo talk.  Let's take a fair look at Alexis Handonmycock...

And least shocking news ever she went to Arizona State.  I swear they breed an endless supply of swimsuit models, porn stars and shitty football players....