SportsCrack Blog

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Of Course Now BJ Upton is a Good Baseball Player Since He No Longer Plays for the Braves

It fucking figures the guy who couldn't hit his weight much less hustle while playing in Atlanta is killing it in lovely San Diego. BJ (yes it is still BJ and not fucking Melvin) Upton made one of the better plays I've ever seen when he robbed JJ Hardy last night with a Spider Man catch. To make the play even more remarkable was the fact he threw an absolute laser to first base to double up Mark Trumbo. The throw might be better than the catch. Absolutely 100% sick fucking play from BJ who hit a 465-foot bomb to dead center to lead off the game an inning before. It would have been nice to you know see this when he played for the Bravos. Instead BJ was one of the main reasons the Bravos said fuck it and destroyed the team by trading everybody with a pulse in order to "rebuild." But hey it's great to see BJ enjoying sunny San Diego while his Padres get their dicks beat in by the Baltimore Orioles.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Rio Looks Comforting to Olympic Athletes

Imagine, just for a second, you are an Olympian.  Put down the Coke and Little Debbie and think about it just for a few seconds.  You pack your new Nike gear with it's flashy colors and hefty price tag in your Louis Vutton bag.  You fly all the way down to South America where you have to worry about getting bit by a fucking mosquito that can make your kid's head the size of an orange but you say fuck it, I'm all in for the Olympics.  Zika is probably bullshit anyways you tell yourself.  I'm going to represent my country and destroy shit (vagina preferably).  US mother fucking A.  You have a nice comfortable Delta flight down.  Got a nice little cat nap while you dreamed about all the fine Brazilian ass you are about to smash.  You land and reality slaps you right in the face as soon as you get off the plane.  "WELCOME TO HELL" sign greets you and tells you won't be safe.  If you get shot they don't have any hospitals according to their bridges.  Fuck that.  I'm out.  No shiny medal or Brazilian ass is worth my life.  I don't even make it out of the airport.  But other than the imminent death sentence Rio looks very inviting.  I can't see why so many star athletes are backing out of it.  Probably has something to do with racism.  Yeah let's pull the race card.  Sounds good.  Good night.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Bill Burr's Thoughts On Stephen Curry

I don't watch much NBA but I can 100% say with certainty I would watch a shitload of it if comedian Bill Burr was doing the telecast.

If baseball wants to get more hip, cool or whatever you want to call it they should have Burr in the booth with Vin Scully.  It would be fucking brilliant television.  Laughs and deep thoughts non stop.   Think about it.  You would have Scully talking about socialism and how awful it is while Burr would be ranting about some Dominican not running hard to first base.  This needs to happen.  Think about it MLB.

And yes Stephen Curry does look like a muppet.  He certainly played like one vs the Cavs in the NBA Finals.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Watch a Drunk, Enraged Ben Affleck Go Off on the NFL in the Any Given Wednesday Premiere

15 years ago I was a huge Bill Simmons fan.  I used to read all his shit along with Hunter Thompson on ESPN's Page 2.  It was cutting edge back then.  Page 2 was basically the birth of sports blogs and Simmons had the humor and writing acumen to carry it.  So out of respect even though I no longer follow or read Simmons and the million "fucking" commercials I saw about "Any Given Wednesday" on the HBO App I decided to watch it last night.  Sir Charles Barkley was on first and it bombed surprisingly.  I love Barkley but the interview was just flat and boring talking about whether or not Lebron is a top 3 or top 10 NBA player all-time.  Who gives a shit?  I certainly did not.  But what saved Simmons and you could see the twinkle in his eye as it was happening was a shit-faced, bloated Ben Affleck going off on the NFL about DeflateGate.  Every other word was "fuck" so you know Affleck hit the bottle real good right before going on air.  It was entertaining and personally I loved the passion Affleck showed trying to defend his Golden Boy in Tom Brady vs the totalitarian fascist in Roger Goodell.  For this alone I will give "Any Given Wednesday" another viewing or two.  But if HBO could cancel Vinyl after one season I don't see how Simmon's show will make it past year one.  Simmons got a three-year deal with HBO for $20 million so maybe they try to ride the tide but I can't see a lot of viewers tuning in to hear what Simmons thinks about the NBA.  I don't think many HBO viewers give a shit including myself.  If Simmons sticks with the Jimmy Kimmel routine and gets all of his celebrity guests a little sauced up before interviews then it might have a chance of thriving on HBO.  In other words not likely.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Cam Newton Makes It Rain in Atlanta Strip Club

Reigning NFL MVP Cam Newton did some celebrating in his hometown of Atlanta by making it rain at his local strip club, V Live.  To keep a low profile Cam wore a cowboy hat, sunglasses, and jumped on stage while dancing with the strippers.  The only thing he could have done more to be less auspicious is dabbing on stage.

Braves' Chase d'Arnaud Serenades Teammate Jeff Francoeur In Miami

The Braves, winners of 6 straight, had an off day on Monday in Miami before battling the Marlins.  What better way to catch up on some rest for the Braves then to sit at a pool all day while 3Baseman Chase d'Arnaud serenades you with sweet lullabies?  Jeff Francoeur was the victim here.  What happens on the road stays on the road.

ESPN's Live From Cavs Parade Doesn't Seem All That Exciting

Granted it's Cleveland but I would expect a little more rowdiness.  Maybe some shouting or cursing in the background.  A few gunshots.  A car honk.  Drew Carey walking aimlessly around.  Instead we get crickets as ESPN takes us to exciting Cleveland as they celebrate their first sports franchise championship in over 50 years.  Can you feel the electricity?  The NBA is fantastic!

Video via The Big Lead

The Greatest Vin Scully Has Strong Feelings About Socialism

Legendary Dodger's announcer Vin Scully coming in with the hot take on socialism.  Somewhere Bernie Sanders is shaking his head and other's people money in disagreement.

Monday, June 20, 2016

The Atlanta Braves Father's Day Uniforms Were Awesome and Need To Be Their New Road Jerseys

The Braves completed a 3-game road sweep of the stinkin' Mets yesterday in perhaps the best uniforms they have ever worn.  

Donning some Father's Day baby blue specials the Braves played their best game of the season in what has been arguably their worst ever in their 50 year Atlanta history.  

Julio Teheran looked like a young John Smoltz.  The Mets couldn't touch him.  One hit over 9 innings.  Freddie Freeman continued his hot hitting with another HR while earning NL player of the week honors in a decisive 6-0 victory. 

I'm telling you these baby blue trim road uniforms looked fucking tight on TV.  Almost like a throwback to the late 70's/early 80's disco era uniforms they were rocking in Fulton County Stadium.  I can only imagine how sweet these Father's Day special uniforms looked in person.

The Braves have now won 5 in a row.  I'm convinced these baby blue trim jerseys need to be the new road jerseys.  The Braves could just take all my money because I would 100% be rocking one of those hats and uniforms at Suntrust next season.

It's a Miracle: Bama Gets Top Player Cam Robinson Back When All Felony Charges Dropped by DA

If you needed anymore proof that college football is king, especially in the South,  take a look at how Alabama and Nick Saban got their best player off prison time for felony possession of drugs and stolen handguns.

Straight from

The district attorney in Monroe, La., decided not to pursue prosecution of Cam Robinson and Hootie Jones, confirmed.
The district attorney did not find sufficient evidence to prosecute, according to the county clerk's office. 

Not enough sufficient evidence huh?  They were pulled over at 2am in a park by a cop who found marijuana on both of them, a gun in Hootie Jones lap, and another stolen handgun under Robinson's seat.  I guess that isn't sufficient enough evidence to prosecute anybody, especially a couple of star football players at Alabama, for possession of a stolen gun and narcotics when the only evidence the cops have is them being arrested by the police with a stolen gun and narcotics.  Nothing to see here folks!

All this proves is Nick Saban is playing chess while other programs like Ole Miss and Auburn are playing checkers with law enforcement and the NCAA.  At this point I can't even hate Saban and Bama.  They are just in a whole different league when it comes to the rules.  No district attorney or judge is out of their reach.  That is what we call a king's dynasty.

Make Baseball Fun Again: Cubs Wilson Contreras Gets Wrigley Field Curtain Call After Hitting Home Run On First Pitch in MLB Debut

I don't care if you hate the Cubs or even baseball for that matter.  What Wilson Contreras did last night was awesome and real.  The very first major league pitch he saw at the plate and he takes it deep.  And then he gets the standing ovation curtain call.  That is fucking reality television!  Not fake like Lebron James dismantled elbow and crying fiasco he displayed in the final minute of the NBA Finals last night.  This was 100% authentic and certified goosebump-worthy.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

2016 Heisman Trophy Las Vegas Odds Are Out

If you are an enthused gambler or college football fanatic or 100% degenerate like myself you love it when the 2016 Heisman Trophy Vegas Odds come out.  Bovada recently released their odds (June 7 2016) so I figured I would dissect it.

1) Deshaun Watson (QB Clemson) +350
Last year at this time Ezekiel Elliott was the Vegas favorite at +600 and he went on to finish 8th in the voting despite Ohio State only losing one game.  Being the preseason favorite is usually a kiss of death.  Every game is under a microscope starting Labor Day weekend.  Any little misstep can torpedo a Heisman.  And for this reason I wouldn't throw money on Watson.  He's the top QB in the nation for a top 5 team but I would be surprised to see him stay healthy this season.

2) Leonard Fournette (RB LSU) +400
We all know BUGA is going to get his yards.  Les Miles will feed the beast and hope Fournette can carry them to a SEC Title.  Derrick Henry won it last year because he got 25+ carries a game.  It wasn't because he was the best player in the nation.  He just had the most yards for a National Championship team.  If Fournette gets 2000 yards and 20 TDs he's going to win the Heisman.  He was the odds-on favorite in early October last year till BAMA stuffed him for 31 yards.  Likewise this year the Bama game will decide if he has a chance at taking home the hardware come December.

3) Christian McCaffery (RB Stanford) +500
I've said it before but McCaffery should have won the Heisman last year.  He had 3800 total yards (NCAA record) and finished 2nd.  This year he will have all eyes, especially defensive coordinators, on him.  I don't think he comes close to replicating or even exceeding his numbers just because every body will be keying in on him and Stanford has a new line and QB.

4) JT Barrett (QB Ohio State) +1000
If I was a betting man (HINT) this is who I would be throwing my mortgage on.  JT Barrett finished 5th as a freshman in 2014 in the Heisman because he was the starter for most of the season after Braxton Miller got hurt.  Last year he split QB duties with Cardale Jones.  This year he is the man in Columbus.  In Urban's offense and with Ohio State's favorable schedule he's going to put up monster numbers.  I see around 5000 total yards with 40 plus TDs on his stat sheet.

5) Chad Kelly (QB Ole Miss) +1200
The only way Kelly has a chance at the Heisman is if he goes on a Johnny Football type run, beats Bama, and gets Ole Miss to the SEC Championship.  In other words it's not going to happen.

6) Dalvin Cook (RB FSU) +1200
One could make a strong argument for Cook as the best back in the nation.  He will be featured again and if he can stay healthy has the ability to rush for over 1700 yards for a top 5 team.  I think at the very least he's got a shot at an invite to NYC.

7) Baker Mayfield (QB Oklahoma) +1200
Mayfield finished 4th last season in the Heisman and should be the frontrunner out of the Big 12 conference.  If Oklahoma reaches the playoffs with Mayfield leading the charge he has as good of a shot as anybody else.

8) Nick Chubb (RB Georgia) +1400
I love Chubb but he has no shot this season at the Heisman.  He's coming off a horrific knee injury vs Tennessee and will be splitting carries with Sony Michel.  Plus Georgia has a rookie coach and a freshman QB.  Those things don't equate to Heisman contender.

9) Josh Rosen (QB UCLA) +1600
No shot.  Too young and immature at this stage.  Needs to grow up and be a leader before we start talking Heisman.

10) Royce Freeman (RB Oregon) +2000
Be tough for Freeman to come out of the huge McCaffery PAC 12 shadow he casts.  A 2000 yard season gets him some serious talk but I don't think Oregon is going to be a top 20 team this season.

11) Samaje Perine (RB Oklahoma) +2000
He would have to compete with his teammate in Mayfield.  Safe bet is no real shot unless Mayfield goes down with an injury and Perine carries the team to a playoff spot like Henry did last year.

12) Calvin Ridley (WR Alabama) +2500
No shot.  If guys like Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald can't win it with outstanding seasons at the WR position then there is no way in hell Ridley has a chance.

13) Joshua Dobbs (QB Tennessee) +2500
Hahahaha I don't even need to tell you why he has no shot.  Seriously Vegas?  Dobbs?  Come on man.

14) Brad Kaaya (QB Miami) +3300
SMH another one for Vegas.  The only way Kaaya contends is if he can beat Notre Dame and FSU.  Not happening.

15) Patrick Mahomes (QB Texas Tech) +3300
I don't know what to say about these odds.  It should be more like a trillion-to-one.

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Manny Machado Charging the Mound Gets The WWF Jim Ross Call

These classic Jim Ross calls get me every fucking time.  My sides are hurting from laughing so hard.  I don't think you could find a guy in the MLB more deserving to get their ass kicked than Royals pitcher Yordano Ventura.  The little fucker has been starting shit the past two seasons with every team he has faced.  He thinks he's Pedro Martinez without near the talent or the brains.  Luckily Manny Machado put him back in his place tonight.  You want to throw at Manny 3 times?  Fine.  But once you hit him you best expect to get your ass kicked.   Mark Trumbo immediately hit a two-run homer after Manny's ejection and Crush Davis followed with another bomb to make it back-to-back and the rout was on.  9-1 Orioles victory and they will go for the sweep tomorrow.  Manny will get a suspension no doubt but we might look back at this fight and remember it as the time the Orioles came together for the greater good against the defending World Series Champs and helped propel themselves to their own championship.

Machado doing his best to "Make Baseball Fun Again!"

2016 Continues to Take Down the Legends #2016Deaths

If you are a legend God have mercy on your life in this calendar year.  First we lost David Bowie to cancer.  Then we lost Prince to pills.  Harambe the gorilla goes down because of a 4-year-old invading his space.  It continued with Muhammad Ali losing his long battle with Parkinsons last week and late last night we heard Youtube legend Kimbo Slice died suddenly at the age of 42.  And the RIP tributes continue this week as we bid farewell to the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Monday, June 06, 2016

Shit That Drives Me Nuts: Players with Mouthguards

I'm not talking about boxers, hockey players, football players. rugby, lacrosse or whatever contact sports that you play where there is a good chance you could lose a tooth without one.  I'm talking about the fucking basketball players and baseball players who chew on them for no god damn good reason.  We get it Steph Curry.  You are a great shooter.  But why in the hell do you need a mouth guard?  Why does Orioles starter Kevin Gausman insist on chewing on the damn thing after every half inning?  I imagine a pacifier was too gay for them so they went with a mouth guard for "safety" reasons.

Whatever it is please stop it.

Don't Ever Turn Your Back on a Lion

Well unless it's from Detroit and wears the silver and blue.  This young boy would have seen his life flash by faster than Barry Sander's career but thanks to the power of glass he's no longer dinner.  Just don't go jumping inside the cage.  We wouldn't want to have to kill the animal because your parent was too busy Tweeting about one of the monkeys throwing their own feces.

2016 Notre Dame Football Preseason Grades

A lot of people including myself are underestimating how good Notre Dame could be this season.  I think it's because of the way the season ended with a heart-breaking last-second loss to Stanford to eliminate their playoff hopes and then following that up with the curb-stomping they took vs Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl.

But make no mistake ND returns a ton of firepower to team 128 with as much depth as any in 20-plus seasons.

Let's take a look at the positions and hand out some preseason grades:

It starts off with the quarterback position.  This is the most talented and deep the QB position has been at ND since I can remember.  All 3 QBs could be starters at 90% of other schools.  Redshirt freshman Deshone Kizer stepped in for the injured Malik Zaire in the 2nd game of the season and led them to 9 victories with narrow losses to Clemson and Stanford not really his fault.  Zaire will battle him for the starter's job and brings a 3-0 career starting record including wins vs LSU and Texas.  Brandon Wimbush might have the best arm but the plan for now is to redshirt him since they failed to do so last year because of Zaire's injury.  ND has a great problem to have right now at the QB position and it's similar to what Ohio State was facing last year with JT Barrett, Cardale Jones and Braxton Miller. (PRESEASON GRADE: A)

The running back position returns starters Tarean Folston and Josh Adams.  Folston is coming off a game one knee injury but is expected to be fully recovered for summer practice.  Adams, "the majestic gazelle" as I call him, comes off a record-setting freshman season in which he averaged over 7 yards a carry.  Also returning is highly thought of Dexter "Juice" Williams who along with Folston and Adams forms a treacherous trifecta of galloping horses in the backfield.  The four horsemen should be alive and well this fall with contributions also coming from Justin Brent and perhaps from one of the incoming freshmen.  (PRESEASON GRADE: A-)

A concern for ND going into the season is how to replace the electric WR Will Fuller.  Fuller had an incredible knack to make the big play at crucial situations and his combined 29 TD catches the past two seasons often were 40 plus yards.  Combine his loss along with Chris Brown and Amir Carlisle and ND is looking at a whole new starting crew at the WR position.  The good news is they have plenty of talent, just unproven at this point.  Look for breakout performances from Torii Hunter Jr. and Equanimous St. Brown.  I expect both to combine to replicate the numbers Fuller and Brown put together last year.  A slew of talented sophomores (Corey Holmes, CJ Sanders, Miles Boykin) and freshman (Kevin Stepherson, Javon McKinley, Chase Claypool) sprinkle the depth chart to which should burst as the season heats on.  The TE position returns starters Durham Smythe (returning from knee injury) and sophomore Alize Jones who could become a Tyler Eifert-type weapon especially in the red zone for whomever is throwing the ball.  Nick Weishar and Tyler Luatua provide starting quality depth on the 2nd/3rd string for what has solidified Tight End U.

The offensive line lost starters Ronnie Stanley, Nick Martin and Steve Elmer.  None of them will be easily replaced in terms of starts but ND is flushed with talent, size and depth thanks to line coach Harry Hiestand.  The next great offensive lineman/first round talent appears to be Mike McGlinchey who will be moving from right-to-left tackle to replace Stanley.  "Big Mike" has a meaner streak in him than Stanley and it wouldn't be surprising to see him develop into a NFL top 10 pick also.  The tools and build are all there for him.  Just to McGlinchey's right is another player in Quenton Nelson who is also a tough SOB who can pancake his fair share of interior linemen.  With McGlinchey and Nelson on the left side Kizer will not have to worry about his blind side.  Center is a question mark with Sam Mustipher edging out Tristen Hoge early on as Martin's replacement.  On the right side of the line you have Hunter Bivin at guard and Alex Bars at tackle.  Along with QB the depth on the offensive line is unmatched with plenty of underclassmen ready to step in if injuries occur.  I fully expect ND to control the line of scrimmage throughout the season.

The standard motto of "defense wins championships" will again be tested by a ND group which loses a ton of starters at every level on the field.

The defensive line loses captain DT Sheldon Day and DE Romeo Okwara.  Nobody can replace Day's infectious play and motor.  But luckily ND has plenty of bodies including the likes of Jarron Jones, Jerry Tillery, Daniel Cage among others ready to make a huge impact in the run stop game.  One huge hole for the Irish has been getting to the QB with pressure from the defensive end position.  For ND to compete with the big boys and a playoff spot they need likely captain Isaac Rochelle and Andrew Trumbetti to take the next step up and produce sacks/pressures/turnovers.  To often in recent years the opposing QB has had plenty of time to pick apart a defense because his pocket was protected.  If Rochelle, Trumbetti, Jones and Cage all live up to their potential this defensive line could be the best since 2012.  It's a big if though.

Captains and starters Jaylon Smith and Joe Schmidt are both gone but the linebacking crew in my opinion could be more productive this season.  ND relied so heavily on Jaylon to make big plays and be all over the field and Schmidt to make "the right calls/reads" on defense that opponents both game planned away from Jaylon while targeting Schmidt.  And let's be honest the defense last year was pretty bad if not down right shitty at times.  The one returning starter is at the SAM position in senior James Onwualu.  I think Onwualu has the ability to have a huge senior season.  He's shown he can get to the QB and with the right schemes I think he has a tremendous season.  Nyles Morgan is another breakout performer waiting to happen as he finally starts at middle linebacker.  All of the preseason practices have been nothing but adulation from observers for the highly touted Morgan.  In my mind and a lot of other ND fans we are both extremely giddy to see Morgan start at the MIKE position.  At the WILL position we have Te'von Coney and Greer Martini battling it out for the starter's role.  Redshirt freshmen Asmar Bilal and Josh Barajas should also see significant time on the field and could compete for a starting position this summer.  With Onwuala, Bilal, Morgan, Martini, Coney and Barajas I expect the linebacker position to be the surprise of the 2016 season.

The secondary much like the linebacking core loses two starters but I think it will also be better in 2016.  At the safety position you have do-it-all Drue Tranquill back from another knee injury, this one while celebrating vs Georgia Tech.  Before the injury Tranquill was having a solid season and the ND defense looked a lot faster and smarter with him in there.  Fingers crossed he has a healthy season because I think he could be ND's best strong safety since Harrison Smith.  At the other safety position you have an early enrollee freshman in Devin Studstill.  Studstill is a true ballhawk at the free safety position and was a tremendous recruiting steal for Brian Kelly and his staff from the state of Florida.  All reports on Studstill have been so positive that he's jumped senior Max Redfield on the depth chart.  While many think that's being used solely by the coaches to motivate Redfield I honestly think Studstill is the better player overall and will be starting week 1 in Austin, TX.  With Redfield and six-year senior Avery Sebastian as the backups ND has to hope they can stay injury free at the safety position because there is a tremendous drop off in experience behind them with 4 incoming freshman.  The starting corners will be Cole Luke and Shaun Crawford.  Luke had a difficult 2015 season but should turn in a good senior season.  Crawford is a redshirt freshman coming off a knee injury (I know shocker right?) but has been graded by observers and media personnel as one of if not the most talented secondary players in the Kelly regime.

The kicking game returns both starters in placekicker Justin Yoon and punter Tyler Newsome.  Yoon hit 15-17 field goal attempts, a lot of them pressure-packed, during an outstanding freshman season.  Newsome averaged over 45 yards per punt and was great with directional punts to pin opponents inside the 20 yard line.  Both Yoon and Newsome are legit All-American candidates with 3 years of eligibility left.

A - QB
A- - RB
C+ - WR, DL

Tom Brady Packing Heat on the Golf Course

Some guys just have all the luck.  Tom Brady is one of the guys.  Dude is packing a baby arm while canoodling with young lassies on the golf course.  Bravo Tom Brady.  Bravo.

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Callie Bundy Can Throw a Better Spiral Than Reggie Ball/Nebraska QBs

First off we need to thank the inventor of yoga pants.  I'm too lazy to look it up but you, whomever it may be, single handedly have created something as valuable as air conditioning.  Yoga pants are an instant mood changer and have saved millions of lives while also destroying trillions of man swimmers.  Second off I don't give a shit if this Callie Bundy throws like she is shot putting a bean bag.  She has way more accuracy than Reggie Ball or any Nebraska QB for that matter could ever dream of.  And she also looks extremely hot doing it.  You don't think Calvin Johnson would have come back for another season on the Flats if Bundy here was throwing him the rock?  Absolute no brainer and it's probably what was the ultimate downfall of Chan Gailey at Tech.  And now since Nebraska has dog shit for a QB I suggest they recruit the hell out of Bundy.  Give her all the yoga pants she could ever want.  Make her the next Kathy Ireland of college football.  It's up to you Mike Riley.  Don't fuck it up.

You can check out more of Callie Bundy at her Instagram page you know for research purposes of course.