SportsCrack Blog

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Yankees Sign Masahiro Tanaka for $175 Million

Just when I was starting to feel bad for the New York Yankees and those awful contracts they handed out to aging stars Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, Brian McCann, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Carlos Beltran they go out and totally redeem themselves by signing Japanese pitcher Masahiro Tanaka for seven-years, $155 million (plus $20 million posting fee).  This signing will work out great for the Yankees.  Tanaka has never pitched in the majors but fuck it, what does that matter?  He put up great numbers in Japan so "let's pay him Clayton Kershaw money" is a great way to build a franchise.  Brilliant in fact.  Absolutely no way this signing blows up in their faces.  Tanaka will perform great in the low pressure, laid back style that only New York can provide.  Plus he isn't making quite as much as A-Rod so he won't have a bulls eye on his back.  We all know Yankees fans are caring, loving individuals who no matter how much their stars struggle are only there to support them with admiration.  Good luck in NY Tanaka!

Baltimore Ravens Jacoby Jones Gives Grade A Drunk Interview At Pelicans Game

I have no fucking clue what Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones said here at a clearly sold out New Orleans Pelicans game last night.  After decades of studying, practicing, and perfecting the art of drunk I still can't translate Jacoby's slurs.  Jacoby is so smashed he's wearing a LiveStrong bracelet.  Bro those were in style 10 years ago.  Yes ma'aaaamm!