2009 NL EAST PREVIEW

With just under a week till the opening pitch I finally decided to get off my lazy ass and start writing some baseball previews. I'm starting off with the National League East because the reigning World Series Champs reside in this division. The Phillies shocked a lot of people including myself by winning their first ring since 1980. Can they repeat? It's doubtful since they will have a large target on their back and with the Braves, Mets, and Marlins all suppose to be better this season. Let's take a look.

Atlanta Braves:
After losing 90 games in 2008 and missing the playoffs for the third year in a row the Braves went on a mission to improve an aging and disabled list riddled starting rotation. They did just that after thankfully striking out in the AJ Burnett sweepstakes. Signing free agent Derek Lowe was enormous. Sure they overpaid but they needed a solid #1 or #2 starter and Lowe is pretty much a guarantee to pitch 200 or more quality innings. They also signed Japanese star Kenshin Kawakami who has been impressive so far in Spring Training. The trade for innings eater Javier Vasquez could be the key to whether or not the Braves contend for a division title this year. If Vasquez and Lowe can both win 15 plus games each then they should be in the thick of the race. Kawakami should baffle a lot of hitters at least this season since he is unknown. Smoltz is gone but the Braves did resign dickface Tom Glavine to a one year, please pitch like Jamie Moyer and not 2008 Glavine contract. The kid I'm really looking forward to seeing pitch is Tommy Hanson. He will start off at AAA Gwinnett (just got my opening day tickets yesterday) but should be up to Atlanta by May if all goes as planned. Tommy K, Hanson Heaters, whatever you want to call him is the best pitching prospect to come out of the Atlanta system since Smoltz and Glavine.

The batting lineup has a ton of question marks. Chipper Jones is the anchor but can he stay healthy? It's doubtful he will play more than 130 games with his wide range of injuries but when he is the lineup the Braves are a completely different team. They will need a big rebound season from fallen star Jeff Francoeur. Frenchy was so atrocious last season he earned himself a demotion. If he could learn not to swing at every fucking pitch like his good buddy Brian McCann then he still has time to be a productive right fielder. If not this season then he needs to be traded. Garrett Anderson was an interesting pickup and should drive in some runs in the middle of the lineup. Middle infielders Kelly Johnson and Yunel Escobar both need to step up their games and have All-Star numbers. Their time is now as both are entering their prime seasons.

The Braves season will come down to pitching. Last year their pitching was terrible and it showed in the loss column. This year they appear to have a solid starting five but will the bullpen be effective? If the bullpen comes together as well as I think the starters will do then the Braves can compete with anybody. It's a big IF though.


Florida Marlins:
The Marlins surprised pretty much every baseball writer by winning 84 games in 2008. They have a ton of young talent including the best shortstop in the game in Hanley Ramirez. Ramirez is signed long term and should be the face of the franchise when he isn't throwing a hissy fit over grooming policies. Center fielder Cameron Maybin will be their leadoff hitter and is expected to steal over 30 bases.

The Marlins are focused on pitching, speed and defense but their payroll limits their effectiveness. They will once again have the lowest payroll in the majors and all though it isn't a precursor to success it would be nice to know they could add some expensive pieces if they are in contention midseason. I just don't see it happening. The Marlins are built to be solid contenders in 2010 and beyond.

New York Mets:
The Amazing Mets, or shall I say Mess, did it again last season letting the Phillies past them in September thanks to a horrible bullpen. They went out and remedied the situation by signing K-Rod to close out games and trading for J.J. Putz to be the setup guy. Putz and K-Rod are 100% better than that shit eating dog of a bullpen they had last year.

David Wright and Jose Reyes remain the focal points of the offense. Both are superstars and Met's fans should be thankful they got two young studs on the left side of their infield. As an Orioles fan I am extremely jealous of the Wright-Reyes combo. Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran are both capable of driving in a lot of runs so the offense should be of little issue in the new Citi Field Park. The starting pitching has question marks after Johan Santana. Santana is probably the best pitcher in the game right now but I don't know how much faith you can have in new guys Tim Redding and Freddie Garcia. Not to mention John Maine and Oliver Perez are both capable of bad stretches. I don't see why the Mets try to sign Pedro Martinez. Pedro still has some gas in the tank and if anything could come out of the bullpen too.

Philadelphia Phillies:
This shirt says it all for the Phillies in 2008: PHUCKING PHANTASTIC. The Phillies won it all in 2008 and have pretty much their entire team back minus skirt chaser Pat Burrell. They have legitimate superstars in Cole Hamels, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins and Brad Lidge who all are in their peak seasons. Ageless wonder Jamie Moyer will again be throwing Wills Park junk (I played little league at Wills Park in Alpharetta, GA) that nobody can hit. They even have a wife beater on their team in Brett Myers who could win 18 or more games in 2009.

The worst thing that could happen to the Phillies this year is complacency. Some teams lose their fire after they get their ring. Phillies fans will let them know it if they think they are taking some days off. Complacency shouldn't be an excuse in a city like Philadelphia where their fans are as gunho as a teenager touching their first vagina.

Washington Nationals:
I hope the Nationals fans are prepared for the Adam Dunn experiment. He will hit you 40 plus home runs but he will also miss as many fly balls. Big Donkey is a hit or miss type of player that I could see wearing out his welcome real fast in D.C.

The Nationals didn't acquire much talent this offseason. They got 6'9 headcase Daniel Cabrera for their rotation and Marlins castoff Scott Olsen also. Both will more than likely have horrible seasons. Jordan Zimmerman is a future stud in the rotation who is scheduled to make his major league debut on April 19th. The Nationals have the #1 pick in this year's draft and are expected to take Stephen Strasburg who could be in their rotation by the summer if he signs quickly. Strasburg is being advised by Scott Boras who reportedly wants $50 million for him which is insane. A future rotation of Strasburg and Zimmerman is something to be excited about.

2009 on the other hand isn't. The Nationals should struggle most of the season behind a stagnant offense and some really bad pitching. It would help if they could get a decent GM because they have money to spend on players.


Sportscrack NL East predictions:

1. Philadelphia Phillies

2. Atlanta Braves (Wild Card Winner)

3. New York Mets

4. Florida Marlins

5. Washington Nationals

MVP: Hanley Ramirez
Rookie of the Year: Tommy Hanson
Coach of the Year: Charlie Manuel

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

I have a feeling Tiger Woods is playing this song today after that clutch performance yesterday in the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Tiger is back and there is little doubt he will compete for the green jacket in Augusta in less than two weeks. If anybody wants to help a brother out with Masters tickets then you know where to reach me. I am willing to barter some PUKE or A-Roids shirts. It's an even trade. No need to do the math. Anyways here is your Monday morning jam...

MICHIGAN STATE IN THE FINAL FOUR

As Bill Walton would blabber: "Gag me with a spoon!" I'm not a fan of Big Ten basketball because I enjoy high flying, up and down scoring by athletic players who can soar above the rim. Granted the Spartans have some of those guys but it just seems like they aren't a very fun team to watch. But whatever, they are going to Detroit now with Villanova(the favorite to win it in my opinion) and UCONN as well as North Carolina(going out on a limb and saying they will handle the Sooners). Sparty will have home court advantage in beautiful and extremely safe Detroit. So who are you taking to win it all now? I'm going Nova since they beat Pitt, the team I picked to win it all when the brackets came out. Before the season started I thought nobody could beat North Carolina besides themselves. Right now with Ty Lawson (best point guard in the nation) playing they will be difficult to beat.

SESAME STREET REMIX ON COLORS

IF ONLY I COULD TEACH MY DOGS HOW TO DO THIS

Who knew a Chihuahua in gay baby blue sweater could be so cool? Admit it, if anyone of us tried to do what this dog does we would piss right in our mouths. This dog is more graceful than Joe Buck taking it in his backside from Tim McCarver.

Video Ht: Joe

DIRTY HIPPIES CRYING OVER DEAD TREES

Are you fucking serious? Do these people actually make love to these trees? At first I thought this was a joke but it's pretty much clear as my day now that I have cut down all my fucking trees in my backyard that these people are crazy hippies. The ones you can smell from 50 yards in the distance. I just pulled some weeds out of my yards yesterday. Tomorrow these hippies will be protesting my injustice.

I was waiting for just one guy to start chuckling when the lady was crying about the trees. He was probably too scared for fear of being outcast. Then he would have to get like one of those "real jobs" and start making a contribution to actual society. Now that is scary.

Video HT: Bar Stool Sports

THE IRISH WILL BEAT USC, THE IRISH WILL BEAT USC, THE IRISH WILL BEAT USC

I have now completely convinced myself that Notre Dame will beat USC at Notre Dame Stadium on October 17th, 2009. Call it blind faith or homerism but I really think the 2009 Notre Dame football team is going to be special. And not in the Corky or Michigan way. The whole team is basically coming back. The talent is ridiculous right now. There are no more excuses for them not competing with FUSC. Oh yeah, I will also be at the game and Notre Dame has not lost a game I've personally attended since 1990. So write it down bitches. Notre Dame will beat USC. Flame away if you like because I don't give a shit. The Fighting Irish will once again be back on top of the college football world.

BORED AT WORK OR NEED A GOOD LAUGH, CHECK OUT WWW.FMYLIFE.COM

Seriously, life is way too short to be pissed off about it all the time. So check out this great site, www.fmylife.com, and get a good laugh while you are at work. A recent favorite of mine is this one:

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

Big ass HT goes to Jeff for pointing me in the direction of F My Life.

LEBRON ONES UPS MISSOURI FRESHMAN, NONCHALANTLY NAILS UNDERHAND HALF COURT SHOT FOR 60 MINUTES

Further proof that Lebron James is the best player in the game today...

Video HT: WWTDD

MISSOURI FRESHMAN MARCUS DENMAN SWISHES THREE-QUARTERS COURT SHOT

Mizzou lives to play another day. It will be interesting to see how their upbeat tempo game fares against UCONN. You know Thabeet's tall ass will be waiting in the middle.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA PLAYING BEER PONG

Anna Kournikova made an appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show last night playing with my heart with that black dress. It was her first time playing beer pong. What a shocker! Speaking of shocker, I wonder if she has ever played that game. I think she would be rather good at it. If you ever need a partner Anna let me know. I got free time and a wicked forehand.

Never watch Fallon but is he always this annoying? Something about him just makes me want to punch him. Must be the beer speaking.

SHOULD BE ANOTHER FUN SEASON FOR DICK ROD IN ANN ARBOR

Coming off a 3-9 season was bad enough. Try having your starting quarterback Steven Threet transfer as well as your best offensive player in runningback Sam McGuffie before spring practice too. Sounds great so far for Dick Rod at Michigan. Well then you get this news that Threet's replacement and soon to be starting QB Nick Sheridan is apparently out of spring practice with a broken leg. Ouch.

So now Michigan will be forced to start freshman Tate Forcier, who is at Ann Arbor on early enrollment. Forcier was highly recruited but he isn't Terrelle Pryor talent wise. It could be another horrible season for Dick Rod and his leash will again be tightened. They should have 3 gimme wins with Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, and Delaware State on the schedule. But other than those 3 cupcakes they have Notre Dame(Irish will win by at least 10 points), Indiana(toss up), Michigan State(Spartans are a better team), Iowa(toss up), Penn State(shouldn't be close),Illinois(Juice and Benn will be tough), Purdue(toss up), Wisconsin(Badgers should be better), and Ohio State(Tressel might rub it in by this time) you could be looking at best a 5 or a 6 win season. The Michigan faithful is not going to be too happy with those results in the first two seasons.

Michigan thought they got the winning lottery ticket when they landed Dick Rod. Right now it looks like they just got Roy Munsoned...

REGGIE BUSH AND KIM KARDASHIAN SLUTTING IT UP

It's always good to see two young, extremely rich people who have done so little in their professional lives have so much spotlight. Granted Reggie Bush has a Heisman Trophy (my phone just rang, it's the Heisman Trust calling saying to pull the Heisman word or they will sue me, I say fuck off!) and garnered plenty of other awards/STD's at USC but what has he really done in the NFL? I will be the first to say that I thought he was going to be an absolute stud coming out of USC. I thought the Texans were nuts to bypass him for Mario Williams. Hindsight obviously shows I'm wrong.

And granted Kim Kardashian is known for her Ray J sex tape and her reality show where she teaches her younger sisters how to poll dance. She has that going for her. But is she really an actress or just a brunette version of Paris Hilton?

I wouldn't throw her out of bed and I wouldn't trade Reggie Bush just yet but I wonder what is the fascination with these two characters. What have they actually produced to garner so much attention? And why the hell am I talking about them? No clue. Other than maybe I enjoy seeing these two try so hard to be relevant. They are both trying to be huge stars but neither can get off the casting couch without their panties or dignity in some producer's mouth. It's kind of sad yet funny too. At least Matt Leinart can look himself in the mirror every morning and say he has no regrets and lived up to his potential...

POLICE OFFICERS CAN BE SWEET AND SYMPATHETIC

Houston Texan's runningback Ryan Moat was given a ticket for running a red light in order to see his dying mother-in-law before she passed away. Unfortunately the cop didn't care and delayed Moat by being a dick. Seriously, I can be a dick sometimes but I could never be this assholish.

Check out the cop video if you want to see how inhuman a human being can be. The officer Robert Powell clearly has a future cut out for him at AIG. Anyways the mother-in-law passed away before Moat could see her. Officer Powell said all of this could have been avoided if Moat had a better attitude. And by attitude I mean not black.

PUT IT IN ME SCOTT

I love it when ovens talk dirty to me before I put my foot long in it...Torpedo that is...

This Quizno's commercial just ruined my enjoyment of the new Torpedo sandwich. Those sandwiches are the bomb by the way, and only $4. Now every time I eat a foot long Italian I will be thinking about that talking oven. "PUT IT IN ME SCOTT!" will haunt me for years. Brilliant advertisement by Quizno's.

SHAWN JOHNSON HAS A STALKER, FAME OFFICIALLY CONFIRMED

USA Olympic gymnast and current Dancing with the Stars contestant Shawn Johnson has officially hit super stardom now that she has a stalker. The guy tried to reach her by the most reasonable place: the set of the show...

The 17-year-old gymnast obtained a restraining order Wednesday against a man who was arrested yesterday after jumping the fence at CBS studios, where Dancing With the Stars is taped, purportedly with the intention of getting close to his favorite contestant.

Per court documents filed by Johnson's parents, Los Angeles police found a "a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties [and] a map to the victim" in 34-year-old Robert Michael O'Ryan's car.

"Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on [Johnson]," the petition continued.

Johnson's mother goes on to state that the stalker thinks that little Shawn talks to him through ESP and that they are destined to have a baby together no matter what.

The first thing that popped in my head is this guy has to be from the South. There is like a 95% rate that a man stalking a younger lady and thinks that the person talks to them through ESP is some religious fanatical gone awry. And what do you know? The guy is from Florida. What the fuck is in the water down there in Florida besides sulfur? Every time I read about some teacher banging her student it comes from Florida at least 75%.

We should have seen the warning signs though with Shawn Johnson. She was clearly talking to this deranged stalker. I mean how could she not when she filmed a commercial talking about how her taco is the best and it pops...


Let me guess, the stalker's name has to be Ortega. No more to see here. These two are clearly destined for each other. If only the Mom and the law would let them. I love Hollywood/sports love stories.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A PEACE OFFERING FROM JOSH MCDANIELS?

New Denver Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels was pictured holding a Jay Cutler jersey with the look of "see fuckface, we really want you in the Mile High City!" The jersey is a 1960 throwback one in case you were wondering. The NFL and their marketing.

What we don't see or smell in this picture is the raw ether soaked in the jersey.

McDaniels: Come here Jay, Jay, I won't hurt you, you can be our starter for as long as you want!

Cutler(biting lip, holding back tears): Ok, are you sure? I just miss leatherface Shanahan so much!

McDaniels: I know Jay, it's going to be all right. Just come here and put on this new jersey.

Cutler falls to the ground. McDaniels unzips pants to reveal Cutler's true identity. Suddenly the sound of some strange music comes over both of them...

CREIGHTON GIRL HEARTS B-JAYS

I was thinking the guy on the right seemed a little too enthusiastic. For good reason of course.

Image HT: Intentional Foul

WOMEN'S AVP TOUR CAN CAUSE BLACKOUTS

I was wondering what I look and sound like right before I blackout on Friday nights. At least she face planted in the beautiful, vomit infested sand that is Panama City's Sharkeys during Spring Break.

Video HT: Deadspin

I'm still waiting to confirm the rumor she fainted because she saw Alabama offensive tackle Andre Smith running in her direction...

Image HT: The Big Lead

I COULD GET USED TO ITALY

Out of sheer boredom the other day I filled out an application on Facebook to see where I was most compatible to live. Other than the Sportscrack mansion of course.

Surprisingly it came up with Italy. I've been to Italy before with my buddy Andrew. Got to see Rome and the Vatican City. Got so hammered on wine at the Coliseum that I actually urinated on the outside of it. I was pretending I was Maximus Decimus Meridius while shouting "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!"

Anywho, I figured I couldn't make it in Italy because of the lack of quality TV programs. They don't have HBO or Showtime. But you know what they do have?

Sara Effing Varone...


Yeah, I could live in Italy!

NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR FUCKING POOL

This is the first year since middle school that I didn't join a March Madness Pool. And you want to know why? Well, A it's because I don't have a lot of money right now. But the real reason is because it's become a little, how do you say, too gay for me...


In case you were wondering I picked Pitt to win it all. All I did was look at their region and figured they would come out unscathed. I would have taken Oral Roberts or Morehead State but they didn't make the tournament.

NAKED DAWN TRAILER

Yes, this is a real movie coming out. Naked. Very naked.

"It's an honor to die with my head in your junk sir!"

"You feel that...that wind tickling your balls...that's freedom...that's America!"

Words spoken that bring tears to these American eyes. I think this movie has the potential to be very funny. Or it could be as bad as Deuce Bigalow 2. Nah! Nothing is as bad as Deuce Bigalow. Speaking of Deuce Bigalow...I got to go take one right now.

THIS IS WHY DUKE SUCKS

An oldie but a good one. Yes, even at rape Duke sucks...

NOVA is going to beat the crap out of the flopping Dukies tomorrow night. Somehow Duke is 2 1/2 point favors in this game up in Boston. I ain't buying Puke stock right now. While it is true both teams rely on their perimeter games way too much the NOVA back court is playing sick right now. The combination of Scottie Reynolds, Corey Fisher, and Corey Stokes might be the best in the nation. Plus power forward Dante Cunningham has come into his own his senior season and should get the Duke front court in foul trouble. Take NOVA with the points and meet me at the bar where we can share shits and giggles and shots. Lots of shots. I will be the one in the Puke shirt in case you were wondering...

GET ME A BEER NOW!

TEBOW'S PROMISE SPEECH IN PLAQUE FORM, WHAT NEXT HIS BALLS?

If you didn't think Tim Tebow's legendary status at Florida could get any bigger then you were mistaken. Florida Gator officials want everyone to know, most importantly their football players, that Tebow is God with this new plaque of "The Promise" speech just outside of the new football facility next to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. It's only a matter of time before they erect a statue of him with enormous bull balls so that every Gaytors fan can collectively lick and massage them before and after getting shit faced on fall Saturdays. I know of one fan who would love to get Tebow bagged...

"Gradulations" go out to Florida officials for trying to make Tebow's speech on par with Knute Rockne's Win One for the Gipper. It's not even close but you can't blame them for trying.

GREAT WAY TO TURN 21

Bradley's Chris Roberts hit this 3/4 court shot to beat Oakland in some bullshit tournament called the CIT. Hell of a bank shot. It's like getting the last E on Horse when you know it was all luck. I hope he got laid after this game. If not he should be pounding drinks once he turns 21. Ahh, to turn 21. Such a magical time. It seems like just yesterday I was passed out at TGI Friday's on my special occasion. I crapped out at 12 shots but had a good excuse. The day before was the Super Bowl and I was Super Hung Over from celebrating that night. It was the day Kurt Warner entered our lives along with his psychotic looking wife and led the Rams to a Super Bowl victory. Praise the Lord!

THE ECSTASY AND ANGST OF SPORTS

Yesterday we had the two extremes of human emotion displayed in the sports world. Ecstasy which is defined as an intense joy or delight, or otherwise known as Friday night raves in college, was on full display when Ichiro came through in the clutch last night in the tenth inning of the WBC Final. He delivered the two run single to help Japan repeat as World Baseball Classic Champs. Ichiro finished the game 4-for-6 with a celebration of the bubbly...


On the complete opposite side of ecstasy is angst. Defined as a feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression, we got to see the emotion on Lance Armstrong's face as he learned he had just broken his collarbone in Spain in a pileup. The broken collarbone is expected to heal in 4-6 weeks but could force Armstrong to quit his attempt to prepare for his return to the Tour De France...

COCK SHOT

I knew a guy in college who was infamous for giving these random cock shots. It used to piss me off so bad after I was done dry heaving...

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WHITE GUYS DUNK

Wyoming's Adam Waddell was as graceful as a dingleberry with this breakaway dunk.

HOCKEY IS SEXY

I think I might have to start rooting for the Florida Panthers. Their fans are a hell of a lot better to look at than Atlanta Thrashers fans. The censoring of this video sucks balls but whatever. They are still boobs.

I GOT MONEY ON THE SHARK

CHIPPER JONES NOT A BIG FAN OF WBC OR TORONTO

Chipper Jones is back from the World Baseball Classic, you know, the series that nobody is attending or watching for that matter. He is suffering from a strained oblique muscle which cut short his 2nd experience in the WBC after going 0-for-10 with 6 strikeouts. Here is what he had to say to Braves beat writer Dave O'brien about the wonderful series up in Toronto...

“Just way too many days off,” he said. “We stayed in Toronto for a week and played three games. I don’t know if you ever stayed in Toronto, but it’s not exactly Las Vegas. To say that we were plucking our eyebrows out one at a time would be an understatement.

I guess the hookers and cocaine in Toronto just can't compare to what we have in Vegas. I hear what Chipper is saying. Canada is boring and the WBC doesn't mean shit. I tried watching the game last night between Venezuela and Puerto Rico in Miami and was pretty shocked to see how many empty seats there were. Granted the Cubans or Americans weren't playing in the game but still you would expect more people.

And on a related commercial note you can purchase an authentic Chipper Jones autograph baseball with James Spence Authentication at this link.
Something has to sell here to pay the bills. It most certainly isn't my writing.

HOUSE REPRESENTATIVE CORRINE BROWN "GRADULATES" PERCY HARVEY AND THE GATORS

And I thought my reading and grammar was bad. Holy shit! Florida Representative Corrine Brown personally butchered the English language in "gradulating" the Florida Gators on their "BS" Championship. How did this woman get elected? Her robe looks like something ThunderLips would wear.

Video HT: WithLeather via Spencer Hall

ST. PATRICK'S TRADITION: LEPRECHAUN IN MOBILE, ALABAMA

This news segment is over 3 years old now but it still makes my sides hurt. It would have been a disservice not to include it on Sportscrack today. So enjoy it and make sure you spread the good laughs to friends and family.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Go to COED Magazine to see more Irish lassies celebrating.

ST. PATTY'S DAY JUST AROUND THE CORNER

St. Patty's Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. In fact it is right up there with Kwanzaa. It is the one day of the year besides your parole hearing that you have a perfect excuse to get completely shitty drinking. Since St. Patrick's is on a Tuesday I figured it would be good to start the holiday this past Saturday. I'm doing my part to honor my Irish heritage. Are you? If you doubt my skills in drinking then take a look at this little video...

That clanking noise you hear is the sound of a million brain cells just magically disappearing. I love beer.

TEXAS LONGHORNS KICKER PULLING SOME SERIOUS TAIL

Busted Coverage has some great pictures of Texas Longhorn's kicker Hunter Lawrence's girlfriend Meagan. Looks like she could nurse Hunter's leg back to health any day of the week. I'm not talking about his kicking leg either. She is apparently in contention with Colt McCoy's girlfriend for hottest player's girlfriend on the team. Hopefully one day they can duke it out with a catfight in nothing but lingerie in jello. Ummmm...jello!

A NEW DRUG CALLED SUPPRESSEX

I believe the word Suppressex is latin for marriage. I will have to verify it with my wife.

JAY CUTLER LOST HIS TAMPONS

The ongoing saga that is Jay Cutler, vaginal secretion quarterback of the Denver Broncos, took the worst possible turn this weekend when he met face-to-face with new head coach Josh McDaniels for the first time. The meeting was to clear the air between the two but it did just the opposite. Cutler had his feelings hurt when less than a month ago he found out McDaniels was taking calls for trade scenarios to ship out Cutler and perhaps bring in Matt Cassel. Of course nothing came about as Cassel, who McDaniels coached in New England as their offensive coordinator, was traded to Kansas City for a future career in obscurity. Cutler still remained the clear franchise player for the Broncos but his enormous ego was shattered.

So what has he done since? He has bitched and moaned to the press about the situation. He feels like he has been disrespected by McDaniels. This coming from a QB who has a losing record in the NFL and has yet to lead his team to one playoff victory and has yet to really prove anything that he deserves the respect he feels is owed to him. Here is what Cutler had to say about his meeting with McDaniels...

"I went in there with every intention of solving the issue, being a Bronco, moving forward as a Bronco," Cutler said. "We weren't in there but about 20 minutes, [McDaniels] did most of the talking and as far as I'm concerned, he made it clear he wants his own guy. He admitted he wanted Matt Cassel because he said he has raised him up from the ground as a quarterback. He said he wasn't sorry about it. He made it clear that he could still entertain trading me because, as he put it, he'll do whatever he feels is in the best interest of the organization.

"At the end of the meeting, he wasn't like, 'Jay, I want you as our quarterback, you're our guy.' It felt like the opposite. He basically said that I needed to tell him if we can't work this out, to let him know," Cutler added. "I thought he was antagonizing me and that was disappointing because I was ready to move on, committed as a Bronco. Really, I figured we'd hash things out, shake hands, laugh a little and move forward. What happened [Saturday] was the last thing I expected. If I didn't think it could be fixed, I never would have come back to Denver. It was painfully obvious to me and Bus [Cook, his agent] it's not something they want to fix."

So now Cutler has told his agent to formally request a trade and informed the team he will not be reporting for the first team meeting today. Sounds like a great leader right? Someone you want in the trenches with you like a Tom Brady or a Peyton Manning. Oh wait, those guys are proven winners with rings on their fingers and girls wanting to suck their junk. Cutler just has an enormous paycheck and an even bigger ego that requires a huge cotton ball with a very long string to soak it all up.

Where do the Broncos and Cutler go from here? It looks pretty obvious that Cutler's days as Denver quarterback are over. He needs to be traded and should be. He is too big of a distraction in Denver. That being said Cutler is a talented QB who could develop into a Hall of Fame signal caller in the right situation. Remember that John Elway, the greatest Bronco of them all, had a big ego also and forced his trade from the Baltimore Colts to the Broncos shortly after being drafted. Same with Eli Manning. Brett Favre wore out his welcome in Green Bay despite a Hall of Fame career. The Broncos are going to want to get another QB in return for Cutler. They aren't going to just trade him for draft picks. He is a 25 year old QB who has a ton of commodity around the league.

I think a trade that would make the most sense is to the Cleveland Browns for Brady Quinn. Cleveland's new coach Eric Mangini is looking for a guy who can chuck the ball down the field. There is no doubt Cutler is that type of player. The kid has an incredible arm. McDaniels is looking for a QB who can control the game, make the right reads, and distribute the ball for intermediate gains while not forcing turnovers. Brady Quinn is that type of player. Both Quinn and Cutler are franchise NFL QB's. But what Quinn has is more maturity and leadership. Cutler is the more talented of the two. The trade makes a lot of sense for both clubs right now.

And as far as I know they still sell Tampax in Cleveland. They didn't stop distribution once Kellen Winslow left town. It's too bad Cutler won't get to hang out with any of his Denver celebrity friends anymore like Stan and Kyle...

NICK THE STICK SHIRT

Our newest Sportscrack Tee just in time for baseball season is our "Nick the Stick" shirt. In homage of the Baltimore Orioles Nick Markakis we designed this trademarked shirt with a distressed pattern to give it a vintage look and feel. For only $17 you can get the one and only "Nick the Stick" shirt.

CHARLIE WEIS AND BILL BELICHICK ROCKING OUT WITH BON JOVI

It's the perfect song for Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis. If he doesn't win a minimum of 11 games next season after these past two shit seasons then he will be wanted "Dead or Alive!" Don't get me wrong. I like Charlie and I want him to succeed. But I like winning more.

I got to admit I'm not a Bon Jovi fan but the guy can still still sing. It's kind of amazing he can do that while not feathering his hair.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

JONAS BROTHERS DON'T WANT TO WEAR PURITY RINGS

This is what happens when a no talent ass clown band like the Jonas Brothers decide they want to go do things on their own...


Never cross the Mouse. Disney is just a front for the American Mafia.

THIS GUY WILL BE THE BEST RECEIVER IN THE NFL DRAFT

I'm talking about Darrius Heyward-Bey out of the University of Maryland. The 6'3 receiver looks as conditioned as Terrell Owens and has 4.3 speed which is on pace with Randy Moss. Everybody wants to talk about Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, and Percy Harvin as the best receivers in this NFL Draft but I believe Heyward-Bey will be the best of them. He flew underneath the radar so to speak in College Park because he wasn't catching balls from Heisman Trophy contenders or playing on a top 20 team. Heyward-Bey had the fastest time in the combine last month and most draft experts think he could get drafted late first round, possibly landing in the second round. It would be an absolute steal if a team like the Baltimore Ravens or the Pittsburgh Steelers got this kid. The Silver Spring, MD product relishes the chance of his hometown Ravens taking him with the 26th pick, whom they are bring in QB Joe Flacco to work drills with him at his pro workout...

"That will be great," he said after delivering a strong performance in position drills. Flacco "went to Delaware and did a great job last year. I could go there and be a weapon for them. We could grow together ... write that."

The Ravens have a need at receiver to team up with veteran Derrick Mason and emerging Mark Clayton. Heyward-Bey would be a good compliment as he can stretch the field with his blazing speed on the deep routes. And we all know Flacco throws a pretty and long deep ball.

ERIK BEDARD HAS A SORE BUTT

Seattle Mariners starting pitcher Erik Bedard was scratched from his Wednesday spring training start because of a....sore ass! Seriously, Bedard sat on the bench yesterday because he had a sore butt according to new coach Don Wakamatsu...

"Right now we're not concerned because it's not in the hip joint; it's more in the muscle," manager Don Wakamatsu said Wednesday. "I think it's just really about being on the mound again. This is more muscle soreness. He had some stiffness in there about four days ago, and we thought it was best at this point to rest it a little bit. It might be a blessing to get his arm a little bit of a break, too."

Apparently Bedard has been suffering from an allergic reaction to Vagisil. It has been known to cause a sore butt especially when you put it in the wrong hole as Bedard did the other day.

And to think the Orioles got Adam Jones, Chris Tillman, and George Sherrill from the Mariners for Bedard last season....hahahahaha.....

EBAY AUCTIONS ENDING SOON, SHIRTS START AT $5

Head over to our EBAY Page to check out some great deals on some Sportscrack Tees that are starting at just $5.

Some of the shirts we have include the PUKE Shirt...


The A-Roids shirt...


The Yankees Suck shirt...


And many more including the Hebrew Hammer, Bruce Almighty, and Phucking Phantastic 2008 World Champs tees.

EBAY PAGE CLICK HERE

BLACK FRIEND FINDER

I think this service would work wonders in a city like Boston. I drove up to Boston 5 years ago to catch a game at Fenway Park, stopping in Baltimore on the way. Growing up in the Atlanta and Baltimore areas you are used to seeing a lot of black people. When I walked around Boston I was completely shocked. I think I saw maybe 2 black people the whole time I was there. And one of them was second baseman Pokey Reese. I'm not shitting you. I don't know why but black people must hate Boston. Or maybe Boston hates black people. Who knows? What I do know though is they could use a black friend finder. If you don't believe me or think I'm being overtly racist turn on a Boston Celtics home game. Besides the players and the coach you don't see many black people. Now compare it to an Atlanta Hawks home game.

Different worlds my friends. Different worlds.

MARION BARBER CAN BE MY DRINKING BUDDY ANYDAY

I just read this little mention of an athlete enjoying drinks in NYC via The New York Daily News...

Dallas Cowboys running back Marion Barber racking up a $14K bar tab at M2 —and thanking the waitresses with a $3K tip.

Dude, seriously? I just spit out my Natty Light from shock. 14 grand in booze! Fuck me. And I thought I was an alcoholic racking up a $200 bill at the bowling alley the other day. You should give me a call Barber. I promise I will buy the first drink. The next 200 are on you.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES TEAM NERD/USHER WANTS HIS JOB BACK

Do I think it is stupid to lose your job over your Facebook status? Yes.

Do I think this guy should have been fired over his creepy demeanor? Absolutely.

Obviously the Philadelphia Eagles organization couldn't fire Dan Leone because of his appearance and general awkwardness because they could be sued for discrimination. So they waited for the nerd to post something disparaging about their organization to give them the right to terminate. In hindsight the Eagles probably knew Brian Dawkins' release would cause Leone to overreact and post something negative on Facebook. And then the Eagles pounced on the situation with the quick termination before Leone could clear his Facebook status. Dawkins was a patsy.

Bravo Eagles. Bravo.

Video HT: Deadspin via MyFoxPhilly

MICHAEL VICK'S MANSION DOESN'T SELL

Who would have thought in this crummy economy a mansion which used to be owned by a famous doggy killer wouldn't sell for $3.2 million today? Completely baffling.

I'm kind of disappointed there isn't a stripper's pole, a gimp lair, or at the very least a deep well where Michael Vick dumped the dog carcasses. The place should have some history or story about it.

See, it's all about how you sell the property. And clearly the douchebag real estate agent in the video needs to know you don't sell houses without waking up the gimp.

Video Ht: WithLeather

ALL-MLB 25 AND UNDER TEAM

With temperatures hitting the 80's down here in Hotlanta I figured it was a good time to look ahead to the 2009 MLB Season. Every team is looking for a young player that they can build their franchise around and be a cornerstone not only for their team in the future but for ticket sales. So I went through every team's rosters to compile my All-MLB 25 and Under Team. To be qualified for my roster the players have to be either age 25 or younger in the 2009 season and played at least one season of MLB ball. These teams will be getting plus performances from potential superstars before they even hit their peak years.

CATCHER-Brian McCann, Atlanta Braves-The Athens native product in his first 3 full MLB seasons has already accomplished a ton by being named to 3 All-Star teams and winning 2 Silver Slugger awards. McCann might not look like as athletic as say a Joe Mauer but the kid has a great eye and is a doubles machine with the ability to hit 50 this season if he can stay healthy. McCann is also signed long term with the Braves. He signed a 6 year extension in 2007 with a club option for 2013. His pudgy face should become the new face of the franchise with Smoltz gone and Chipper's career dwindling down.

1B-Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers-In 2007 Prince became the youngest player in MLB history to hit 50 home runs in a season while also winning a Silver Slugger award. With over 100 career home runs already and an on base percentage that continues to climb it is little reason why the Brewers recently signed their slugger to a 2 year extension for $18 million in January. Fielder is one of the biggest vegetarians you will ever see and if he continues to hit the ball like he has his first 3 full seasons he should be devouring an even bigger contract after the 2010 season.

2B-Dustin Pedroia, Boston Red Sox-He may be short in stature but his game is big time. Pedroia has already won a Rookie of the Year Award, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, MVP Trophy, and World Series ring in his first 2 big league seasons. The Red Sox rewarded Pedroia this offseason with a six-year, $40.5 million contract with a club option for 2015. So like his picture above demonstates Pedroia the Destroyah can clearly buy the good hard liquor now.

SS-Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins-A Silver Slugger and Rookie of the Year winner, Ramirez came over from the Red Sox organization in 2005 and has done little to disappoint. Basically a younger version of Alex Rodriguez. Hanley can steal over 50 bases in a season (2006 and 2007) while also hitting over 30 home runs (2008). If he played in a major market he would be the biggest star in the game in my opinion. But he won't get that chance for a while after signing a contract for six years and $70 million in 2008. Look for huge numbers out of Hanley in 2009 and if the Marlins compete in the East he should be a MVP favorite.

3B-Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays-The Rays believed in Longoria so much that they rewarded him a 6 year contract just 6 games into his career last season. Longoria didn't fail to live up to his contract numbers as he won the Rookie of the Year, got named to the All-Star team and helped the Rays make it all the way to the World Series. With 6 postseason home runs already there is little doubt Longoria will be a fan favorite for years to come in the Trop.

LF-Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers-The Hebrew Hammer is just the 2nd player in MLB history to belt 30 plus home runs in his first two seasons (King Albert the other). Braun already has a Rookie of the Year award for 2007 and in 2008 finished 3rd in MVP voting after helping the Brewers reach their first postseason since 1982. Reminds me a lot of Danny Tartabull as he tends to strike out a lot and not draw as many walks as one would like but he should continue to get better as he matures. The sky is the limit for the Hebrew Hammer and Milwaukee has him wrapped up for the next 7 seasons as Braun signed a 8 year contract before the 2008 season.

CF-Matt Kemp, Los Angeles Dodgers and Jay Bruce, Cincinnati Reds-I couldn't pick just one guy here as both Kemp and Bruce have been extremely impressive in a short amount of time in the bigs. Kemp should be the everyday starting centerfielder for the Dodgers now that Andruw Jones is left flailing for curveballs in the dirt somewhere else. Kemp has 5 tool skills with the ability to go 30/30 for many years to come.

Bruce Almighty was Baseball America's #1 prospect in 2008 and looked the part when called up in Cincinnati in May. His first game he went 3 for 3 while getting on base all 5 times with 2 walks. The Reds faithful had already made him a fan favorite by chanting "Bruce Almighty" during his second game at home. Entering his second season the humble young star will need to step up his game and prove that his rookie season was no fluke.

RF-Nick Markakis, Baltimore Orioles-The Baltimore Orioles posterboy has lived up to his lofty expectations in his first 3 seasons in Charm City. Averaging over 40 doubles a season and leading all outfielders with 17 assists last season was enough to convince the Orioles to wrap up their young slugger to a 6 year contract extension this offseason. Nick the Stick should be the focal point of the offense going into his peak seasons as he enters his mid 20's. Expect huge numbers from Markakis as the Orioles are building a foundation to success with future stars such as Adam Jones, Felix Pie, Matt Wieters, Jake Arrieta, Brian Matusz, and Chris Tillman all under the age of 23.

PITCHERS-Tim Lincecum, San Francisco Giants-You know you are big time when you have your own video game commercial. Lincecum broke out in 2008 for the Giants in winning his first of what could become many Cy Young awards. With a similar build to Pedro Martinez looks can be deceiving as Lincecum relies on a two seam fastball that can hit high 90's and a devastating curveball that buckles opposing batter's knees.

Jon Lester, Boston Red Sox-Lester has accomplished a lot in his early career. He beat cancer. He beat the Rockies in the clinching game of the World Series. He has also thrown a no-hitter. And in 2008 he had his breakout season in which he won 16 games and threw over 200 innings while helping the Red Sox clinch the Wild Card. Lester should be a fixture in the Red Sox rotation for years to come and is close to signing a 6 year extension.

So did I miss anybody on the list? I only went with one right handed starting pitcher and one left handed. I didn't include any relievers because usually the best relievers are just converted starters who fail early in their major league careers. But I do really want to hear some comments from the peanut gallery about baseball and who might make this list next season.

SPORTS REPORTING CAN BE HOT

8 YEAR OLDS DUDE

One of the classic scenes in "The Big Lebowski"...


The Big Lebowski is one of my favorite movies of all-time. The first time I saw it I was a freshman in college up at Towson University and I instantly had sore ribs from laughing so hard. In fact one of my fondest memories of my backpacking trip across Europe with my buddy Andrew a few years back was getting the chance to watch it in Switzerland in a little village perched atop the Alps called Gryon. If you have never seen the film you really owe it to yourself to grow some balls and go rent the fucker.

THE NEW CITIBANK

Now that the government owns and runs parts of Citibank it looks like things will change for the bank...


Just one more thing the government can fuck up. God bless this dysfunctional country.

GRANT HILL STILL PLAYS?

I honestly had no idea that Grant Hill still played in the NBA. It goes to show you I don't follow the NBA as well as I used to. I remember back in the day when Hill had some serious hops and could dunk. Now he is just getting rejected from behind by Dwayne Wade. The old Hill would have slammed it down with authority.

Will baseball just please start already? The NBA can be exciting at times but since Jordan and Dominique retired I find myself not nearly as interested in the game. I guess you could call me a fair weather fan when it comes to hoops. But baseball and college football is where it's at for me. Just get me to those seasons and the constant talking to myself and yelling at random strangers will cease to exist.

I REALLY HATE LIVING IN GEORGIA SOMETIMES

I consider myself a mutt when it comes to conservatives and liberals. I have a little bit of both in me and can see the sides of both arguments for the most part when it comes to politics. Georgia as a whole is about as Christian conservative as they come. I tend to not get along with these people for the most part. They always want to inject religion into every conversation and down here it's part of the law. Sodomy is a jail able offense in Georgia because it is not a means to procreate. So is pulling out but whatever.

What really ticks me off about Georgia is the ban of alcohol sales on Sundays. Yes, on Sunday, the holy day as they call it down here you can not buy beer or alcohol in stores. You can still go to a restaurant or bar and be served but you can't buy a six pack at your local Publix grocery store. It's a dumb law that really makes no sense. After all Jesus was the biggest pot head, whiskey drinking person who ever lived. The guy had long hair and claimed he was God's son. Sounds like a drunk hippy to me.

Anyways, most of Georgians want to have the ability to buy alcohol on Sundays. Recent polls conducted by the Atlanta Journal have indicated more than 70% of residents think alcohol sales on Sunday should be allowed. But the Georgia lawmakers disagree with them...

The sponsor of legislation allowing voters the chance to vote on Sunday alcohol sales at stores withdrew his bill when he realized he could not get it passed out of the Senate Regulated Industries Committee Wednesday.

The committee was supposed to vote on the bill Wednesday, but supporters knew by the time the meeting began that they wouldn’t have enough votes to pass it.

It marked the third consecutive year the bill to allow Sunday sales has stalled in the Senate.

Sen. Seth Harp (R-Midland), said he would bring the bill back up in the future and supporters hinted they would make it a campaign issue next year.

So instead of collecting taxes on alcohol sales on Sundays they instead agree to not listen to the public again. The same people who vote them in. It makes absolutely no sense to ban alcohol sales on Sundays. Whatever happened to separation of church and state? The main culprit down here is Republican Governor Sonny Perdue. He is a dumb hick who has never drink had a drink in his life. Perdue believes since he doesn't do it then nobody should do it on the Sabbath. Thankfully he can't go for re-election in 2010 because he is term limited. Hopefully common sense down here in the Peach State will prevail as soon as Perdue leaves.

Ok, I will now get off of my soapbox. Sorry about that. Anybody want a beer? All this talking about alcohol is making me thirsty.

HALFTIME PRANK

Watch Prank War 7: The Half Million Dollar Shot and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Well done sir. Well done.

Reminds me of the time my friends pulled a prank with me when I went in for a routine checkup. It wasn't warts. Only herpes.

Video Ht: WithLeather via CollegeHumor

ADIOS MARYLAND

Well, any chance of the Terps sliding into the tournament this year with their regular season record faded with this facial dunk by Wake Forest's Jeff Teague on Maryland's Senior Night...

The only way Maryland can make it to the tourney now is if they go on a magical run and win the ACC Tournament. They simply don't have the players to do it. Their point guard Vasquez is too erratic and hyperactive in my opinion. They have too many highs and way too many lows dictated on his play alone.

Video HT: FanIQ

THE MLB NETWORK IS AWESOME AND HAS F BOMBS

The MLB Network's Matt Vasgersian is pretty good at his job. So good that he likes to blurt out the F word when it comes to messing up the comparison to Fernando Valenzuela by using the name of Fernando Vina. Personally I don't care if Vasgersian uses the word and I don't think he should get reprimanded because he is on cable. When asked about the F bomb being blurted on live air Bud Selig claimed "We had no idea he said it and could find no evidence of wrong doing, this case is closed!"

By the way the MLB Network is great. They talk about all the teams and show highlights from all the games unlike those 4 letter dickheads in Bristol. If you like baseball you will love the MLB Network.

Video HT: TheBigLead

GREG PAULUS DREAM

March Madness is just around the corner bitches. Notre Dame and Maryland have been blowing ass all season so there is little chance I will be rooting for any other team besides the ones I bet on come tourney time. There is one thing for sure though. I will be rooting for Duke's opponent. Only because I hate them and their flopping homo players like Greg Paulus.

You remember Paulus as the former McDonald's All-American who passed up football to lick Coach K's mangina in Cameron Indoors. Actually you might not remember him because he never plays besides garbage time these days. Here is a good spoof of Greg Loose Anus Paulus by some Tarholes fans...


Video HT: Barstool Sports

A SHORT LOVE STORY

I know. First the gay soccer highlight and now a love story? "He must have gone two weeks in search of the perfect buttdart" is probably what you are thinking. But this is a good love story to tell your significant other tonight. Or to tell your buddies. Or your parole officer. Or mistress. I'm not judging you bastards, why judge me....

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own damn blanket..'


After a moment of silence, .....................he farted.

The End

Joke HT: Joe

FANCY SOCCER GOAL FROM A GUY NAMED MASCARA

It's not too often you will see a soccer post on here. The guy with the kick has a last name of Mascara so it fits the feminine side of soccer well. Almost half field when he launches the kick, the balls goes over 45 yards at an improbable angle to barely nestle in the back of the goal past the goalie's outstretched fingers. Hell of a kick I must say. Hell of a kick.

Video HT: FanIQ

QUICK THOUGHTS ON NFL FREE AGENCY

DeAngelo will continue to kiss TO's shoes in Washington.

The batshit crazy NFL free agency season launched last week and so far we have seen a ton of movement. Here are some quick thoughts on the moves so far with little research on my part. Would you expect more? I didn't think so.

ARIZONA CARDINALS-Signed Keith Lewis, S. Re-signed Ben Graham, P, and Brian St. Pierre, QB. All 3 of these signings don't mean shit. None of them are difference makers unless some how the Cardinals totally fuck up resigning Kurt Warner. Warner is looking at the 49ers and I guess the Cardinals look at St. Pierre as a possible back up to Leinart if he is starting next year. Leinart=no playoffs
ATLANTA FALCONS-Re-signed Michael Koenen p/k (f). The Falcons have lost starters Brooking, Milloy, and Foxworth so far on defense. Losing Brooking is no big deal. The guy has lost two steps and is just a pile jumper at this point of his career. Good guy, bad player. Milloy and Foxworth are both big losses in the secondary in my opinion. It looks like GM Thomas Dimitroff will address these losses through the draft or they could go after Atlanta native Jermaine Phillips from the Tampa Bay Bucs.
BALTIMORE RAVENS-Signed Domonique Foxworth, CB. Decent signing here by the Ravens. They bring a local boy back home to replace Chris McAlister. It looks like they will resign Ray Lewis now. Good for them.
BUFFALO BILLS-Signed Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB; and Geoff Hangartner, OL. I seriously have no fucking clue who these two guys are and have no reason to research it.
CAROLINA PANTHERS-Re-signed Jordan Gross, OT. Gross is one of the best offensive tackles in the game and deserved the money. His 6 year deal should keep him in Carolina black and blue for the rest of his career.
CHICAGO BEARS-Signed Frank Omiyale, OL. The Bears are hoping to catch magic with this signing of Jordan Gross's backup in Carolina. The Bears are idiots by the way. Are they ever going to address their total lack of talent at QB?
CINCINNATI BENGALS-Re-signed Darryl Blackstock, LB; Chris Crocker, S, and DeDe Dorsey, WR. The reason they are called the Bungles is because of signings like this and let T.J. who's your mama leave.
DALLAS COWBOYS-Signed Keith Brooking, LB. Have fun playing in the circus Brooking. Like I mentioned earlier, Brooking is a great guy but a bad linebacker at this point in his career.
DENVER BRONCOS-Signed Correll Buckhalter, RB; Andra Davis, LB; Brian Dawkins, S; Jabar Gaffney, WR; Andre' Goodman, CB; Renaldo Hill, S; Lonie Paxton, FS; and Darrell Reid, DT. Agreed to terms with J.J. Arrington, RB. The Broncos are clearly the most active so far in free agency. Dawkins is a great signing and should bring leadership to a bad Broncos defense. Arrington and Buckhalter should compete for carries. The question is will they trade Jay Cutler? Cutler seems to be a whiny bitch with some hurt feelings at this point complaining about stuff he has no business addressing. They should just trade him to Cleveland for Brady Quinn.
DETROIT LIONS-Signed Bryant Johnson, WR; Eric King, CB; and Maurice Morris, RB. Re-signed Jason Hanson, K; and Stephen Peterman, G. The only perfect team in the NFL last year continues to make head scratching moves. Make that ball scratching.
HOUSTON TEXANS-Signed Antonio Smith, DE; and Dan Orlovsky, QB. Re-signed Chris White, C; and Eugene Wilson, S. They way overpaid for Smith who rode a good playoff performance into an enormous contract.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS-Re-signed Kelvin Hayden, CB; and Jeff Saturday, C. Saturday is a great player but losing Marvin Harrison will hurt. I don't care what people say, Harrison can still play.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS-Signed Sean Considine, S. Re-signed Brad Meester, C; and Scott Starks, CB.-For some reason I have always hated the Jaguars. Not sure why other than I hate their uniforms and their games always seem to be boring.
MIAMI DOLPHINS-Signed Joe Berger, G; Re-signed Vernon Carey, OT; Yeremiah Bell, S; and Channing Crowder, LB. Good to see Carey get the money he deserved. Their two offensive tackles are now making more money than GM loses in a day.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS-Re-signed Jim Kleinsasser, TE. Sounds like a German dish.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS-Signed and Chris Baker, TE; and Fred Taylor, RB. Re-signed Matt Cassel, QB (f), and traded him to Kansas City; re-signed Russ Hochstein, OL. Not sure what to make of the Cassel trade. Personally I think Cassel is overrated but it sounded like the Patriots could have gotten more than a 2nd rounder for him. The Pat's know what they are doing so I will differ my judgement till after the draft. Taylor should be a good 3rd down back.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS-Re-signed Jon Stinchcomb, T; and Jonathan Vilma, LB. Both needed to be resigned at premium positions. I wonder what Brees mole got?
NEW YORK GIANTS-Signed Rocky Bernard, DT; Michael Boley, LB; and Chris Canty, DE. Re-signed Brandon Jacobs, RB (f); and David Carr, QB. The Giants are addressing their needs on defense with Bernard, Boley, and Canty. But they need to find a replacement for Plax and I guess the draft will remedy it.
NEW YORK JETS-Signed Bart Scott, LB. Re-signed Brandon Moore, G. Agreed to terms with Tony Richardson, FB. Bart Scott decided to follow Rex Ryan to NY and I can't blame him especially with the money he got. Should be interesting to see how good he is when not playing next to Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis.
OAKLAND RAIDERS-Re-signed Nnamdi Asomugha, DB; and Shane Lechler, P. 3 years at $45.3 million for Asomugha? Just die already Al Davis.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES-Signed Stacy Andrews, OT. Re-signed Joselio Hanson, CB. The Eagles have two first round draft picks and have seen Dawkins and Sheppard leave their secondary. Chances have gone up they will go secondary with at least one of the picks.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS-Re-signed Max Starks, T (f); and Chris Kemoeatu, G. Two guys resigned to help Big Ben stay upright. Makes sense.
ST. LOUIS RAMS-Signed Jason Brown, OL. Really good signing here by the Rams. Brown is a center who will help open up holes for Jackson.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS-Re-signed Kynan Forney, G. So when are they going to trade Tomlinson and the playoff bench he sits on?
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS-Signed Brandon Jones, WR. Re-signed Takeo Spikes, LB; Moran Norris, FB; and Allen Rossum, CB-KR. If the 49ers sign Kurt Warner then the offseason is a success.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS-Agreed to terms with Colin Cole, DT, and T.J. Housyourmama, WR. Seahawks now have a deep play threat in T.J. who baldy should love throwing to in Seattle.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS-Re-signed Luke McCown, QB; and WR Michael Clayton. Screw the Succaneers.
TENNESSEE TITANS-Signed Nate Washington, WR; and Jovan Haye, DT.
Re-signed Rob Bironas, K; Justin McCareins, WR; Kerry Collins, QB; and Vincent Fuller, DB. Collins coming back means he will be the starter with Vince Young riding the pine.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS-Signed Derrick Dockery, G; and Albert Haynesworth, DT. Re-signed Ethan Albright, LS; and DeAngelo Hall, CB. The Deadskins continue to make all the offseason headlines but they overpaid for Haynesworth and most certainly are morons for giving DeAngelo anything over $2 million. DeAngelo can't cover shit. Good in zone. Terrible on man-on-man. And yet the Deadskins pay him top dollar to be a lockdown corner. Idiots. Haynesworth will get fat and stupid.