Chicago's Daily Herald will apparently be looking for a new editor starting today. Instead of acknowledging the incredible domination that 22 year-old "Rory" McIlroy demonstrated at Congressional with a 8 stroke victory they called him "John." Johns are dudes that buy prostitutes. Rory is getting all the free ass the world has to offer for the next...oh...rest of his life.
Here is a twitter picture of Rory slugging some Guinness from the Cup. Awesome.
Yesterday Auburn football players started tweeting out pictures of their brand new championship rings. And in case you were wondering if Auburn was going to keep their BCS Championship kind of low key with all the controversy surrounding Cam Newton well then you don't know shit about the SEC. It's all about the bling!
Kegs N Eggs points out the players received a SEC Championship ring, a BCS Championship ring (which apparently uses the Lombardi Trophy instead of the Sears), and a NCAA Championship ring. I'm not going to lie. All 3 of those rings look sweet. And in case you are wondering they are not real diamonds like the Super Bowl rings. The max value that the NCAA allows per ring is less than a $500 while the NFL rings are worth well over $5000.
Now the question is which ring will appear on Ebay first and by what player? I'm going to go with the SEC Championship ring.
I think Washington Wizards point guard John Wall just proved that not all NBA players are great athletes. How in the holy fuck can you not throw it 60 feet? Pathetic. My eight month old daughter has a better arm. I'm not even bullshitting.
Video via TheNatsEnquirer
Yeah they do things a little differently over in Germany. Could you imagine if they aired this in the States? It would be anarchy. Our infrastructure would collapse. Rape and pillaging all around. But in Germany it's just another boring commercial.
Dirk singing "We Are The Champions" is almost as scary as...
Sloth from "The Goonies" screaming...
This is a new feature I'm going to try out every Friday. Instead of doing a Friday Mailbag which is boring and I'd rather not answer fucking questions from you people (and by you people I mean all races, gender, etc.) so instead we will do the Friday Funbags. This is just a little taste of what's to come. I'm going to need your help though. If you got a great .gif please post them in the comments section below or email them to me. We will be sure to post it next week. Consider it charity for all the SportsCrack heads out there. Hell you might even be able to write it off on your taxes. Enjoy.
Just go ahead and fast forward to the end. It's fairly obvious NBA players aren't good at reading bad jokes. But Dirk will have none of that. He fucking nails a Kardashian joke at the end. Straight up pile drives it and makes a sex tape out of it. Dirk is the German God of Basketball.
You know the old adage "take me out for some peanuts and cracker jacks" has been changed these days in Philly. Today the kids go out and get fingerblasted in the stands. Just clean and pure family entertainment in that downtrodden city up north. Not only can you smell it but you see it.
Video via BarStool
The FX Network has a show called "The League." You may have heard of it. If you haven't seen it please do yourself the favor and rent the first two seasons. You won't be disappointed. Trust me. Don't be an asshole. Rent it now.
Anywho "The League" has come out with a PSA. Actually four of them. Watch and learn as Ruxin tickles the funny bone. Everyone on the show makes an appearance except Pete. I'm kinda curious as to why he was left out. Oh well less thinking and more drinking right? Sip up.
DEMANDS...
IMAGINE...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...
And last but certainly not least a feeling we all get with the thought of no NFL in the Fall. It could get ugly.
FREAKS OUT...
Via @ajcsportseditor
Bubba Watson is quickly becoming my favorite golfer on the tour right now. The guy rocks out in overalls for boy bands and now he has the balls to wear the camo at Congressional. It's only a matter of time before he says something really controversial. Go Kenny Powers on us Bubba. Golf needs more characters like Bubba. Fuck Tiger!
It's been at least 5 years since I have read "Moneyball" and still I am confused why a movie would ever be made of it. I mean it's not the most exciting, gripping story you will ever read. It's for baseball nerds like myself. It's about Oakland A's general manager Billy Beane bucking the old fashion MLB scouting system which values power and batting average and instead valuing on-base percentage and team speed. I mean it's not exactly historic or exciting. I'm sure Brad Pitt will do an excellent job portraying Beane and Jonah Hill will play a stat nerd flawlessly but I honestly have no desire to see this movie. And I'm a baseball fan.
It's an eventual NetFlix movie for me. What about yourself? Would you pay $12-15 to go see this in the theaters?
Who is Lebron kidding? He's not gonna win a title in the WNBA. He's not manly enough for that league. They would run his ass over. And over. And over again.
Holy shit Zdeno Chara is a fucking Mongoloid! Look at that fucking dude. I'm almost positive he can part seas with his farts. No wonder after the Bruins won the Cup the natives of Vancouver started to riot. They thought fucking Godzilla was invading their country.
But yeah. Fuck Bettman. The guy is a smarmy douche.
Last night the Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks 4-0 to capture their first Stanley Cup in over 39 years. But the real story was the riots that went off shortly afterwards. It's been 18 years since a Canadian team has won the Cup. Apparently America's hat isn't too fond of that fact. Last night Vancouver turned into the Middle East.
Here are some riots footage from Vancouver. People are savages. Go to the 3:00 mark and watch some dude get pummeled because he was trying to protect his store. Crazy.
Here is some guy taking out a Port-a-john...
Flash bang to the balls to the guy wearing the old school Alexander Mogilny Canucks jersey...
And even if you were a Canucks fan who tried to stop the senseless rioting there is a pretty good chance you got knocked the fuck out...
Now I know why Atlanta lost a hockey team to Canada. They take hockey just a tad more serious up there.
All Videos via TheBigLead
From the AJC...
Hello there, and happy Jason Heyward Bobblehead night….which is going to be a pretty good way to punctuate his return from the disabled list.
Update: The Braves announced this afternoon that Heyward had been activated from the disabled list and is in the starting lineup for the first time since May 19. Freeman is out of the lineup as the Braves are going to play it cautious with his strained right oblique. (Lineup: 1. Schafer CF, 2. Uggla 2B, 3. McCann C, 4. Jones 3B, 5. Hinske 1B, 6. Gonzalez SS, 7. Heyward RF, 8. Mather LF, 9. Hudson P.)
Heyward told a person close to him this morning that he’s feeling good and ready to return to the lineup. After two minor league rehab games with Triple-A Gwinnett up in Indianapolis, Heyward traveled back to Atlanta today. Heyward will likely take batting practice before the Braves make a final decision on activating him but he told this person his shoulder is feeling as good as it’s felt in a long time and he’s “ready to get back to the office.”
Heyward might normally have played another game or two for Gwinnett, but the G-Braves are off today and return home for a long homestand.
How do you take this apology if you are Buckeye Nation? To me it seemed sincere even though Terrelle Pryor never admits to what he is apologizing for to Jim Tressel. But at least Pryor did say "sorry" and we still have never heard that from Reggie Bush to the USC program.
I say sorry to all the Buckeye nation and all the Buckeye fans across the country," Pryor said. "I never meant to hurt anybody directly or indirectly with my conduct off the field and I am truly sorry."
Image via UHND.com
According to Brian Hamilton of the Chicago Tribune it has become increasingly clear that All-American wide receiver Michael Floyd won't miss any games in 2011. Can I get a HOORAH ND Nation?
It's increasingly clearer now that Floyd won't miss a game for the Irish this fall.
Not with Irish coach Brian Kelly saying Tuesday he is "very optimistic" about Floyd fulfilling all the requirements that will ensure his return to the field in September. And that means it's more likely than not that the standout receiver suits up for the opener against South Florida.
"He makes one mistake, in terms of how he handles himself, he doesn't play here ever," Kelly said, before a "Football 101" event on the practice fields that benefitted breast cancer awareness and prevention.
"There is no suspension, there is no sit for one game. He's got to live his life the right way. If he does that -- and all the signs point toward he's moving in that direction -- then I expect him to play every game. That's why I've been optimistic."
And Kelly didn't waver when asked for clarification Tuesday: There will be no one- or two-game suspensions stemming from the March arrest. Floyd plays every game, or he plays none.
PGA golfers Bubba Watson, Ben Crane, Rickie Fowler, and Hunter Mahan have joined forces to create the first PGA Tour Boy Band called "Golf Boys." You better watch out News Kids. These aren't some weekend hackers. Bubba needs to keep the no shirt with overalls look for this week's US Open at Congressional. It's pure class if you ask me.
If you haven't noticed the newest shirt of ours that has gone viral is the "HEY LEBRON! HOW'S MY DIRK TASTE!" Dallas Maverick's DeShawn Stevenson wore his last night in South Beach while partying with his teammates. Get your shirt today at this link for only $17.
HT to the Big Lead
How can you not root for a guy like Mark Cuban? I know he's a billionaire and a lot of people are jealous of his wealth but the guy is a winner and he is the main reason why the Mavericks have gone from laughingstock to perennial winner and now NBA Champs. You honestly think Dirk Nowitzki would want anything to do with Dallas if Cuban wasn't there? Get real. Congratulations to Cuban and the Mavericks on their first ever NBA Title. You guys deserved it and I was wrong to underestimate you as a team. Now get that trophy a T and T pronto.
Dogs are fucking awesome! This is just further proof that man's best friend are smarter than any cat. Plus will you ever find a cat say "I love you?"
I didn't think so. Cats you better step up your game. It's a doggy dog world.
We are just a couple of weeks away from the Women's World Cup kicking off (I guess that is the right term) in Germany and already the natives are beating our American asses in the all important T & A category. The German national team posed for some candid shots for the German edition of Playboy and hopefully started a war with the other teams. As an American we need to strike back. You hearing me Lindsay Tarpley? Don't make me come over there Amy Rodriguez! It is your patriotic duty to go above and beyond what the German soccer team did. We will not finish 2nd to anybody especially in Playboy spreads. You are proud to be an American right? Well then drop those soccer shorts and prove it. USA! USA!! USA!!!
Via BigLead via DailyMail
If you live down in Miami you probably opened up your newspaper this morning to see Macy's is selling Miami Heat NBA Champions shirts. Weird. I could have sworn the Dallas Mavericks won last night. Let me check. Yep. Right there. The Mavericks and Dirk Nowitzki won their first ever NBA Title. Fucking Macy's is just rubbing it in the Heat's faces. Even they don't like Lebron.
And I am rock hard. Holy shit these uniforms are sweet! I know some of the old traditionalists are going to be pissed off about the helmet but I love the shamrock on them. Notre Dame is going to be jacked up when they come out versus Michigan wearing these jerseys.
If you've managed to catch any Atlanta Braves baseball this year you know the Braves are basically fucked offensively without two guys: catcher Brian McCann and left fielder Martin Prado. Well guess what happened today? Yep. Prado is on the disabled list with a staph infection. And it's not some made-up Jason Heyward injury according to Dave O'Brien.
The left fielder was cleared to play Tuesday night, but then Prado got hit in the left knee by a throw as he stole second base in the ninth inning.
Prado missed the past two games with what the Braves termed a contusion of the left knee, which was swollen when he woke Wednesday. Prado said Thursday that he expected to return to the lineup Saturday or Sunday.
Neither the team nor Prado had said anything about the problem with his infected right calf. Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez said Prado reported that his calf felt much better Thursday, but a Miami doctor examined him later Thursday and was concerned that the infection had worsened.
He recommended Prado have it taken care of, and Prado returned to Atlanta while the Braves traveled to Houston late Thursday after finishing a three-game series with the Marlins.
Those Dr. Pepper marketing folks are smart motherfuckers. Do you honestly think they had no idea that "DP" stands for double penetration? Come on. Stop being so naive scarecrow. This is brilliant. This shit will go viral and before you know it celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber will start talking about how much they love DP. Whoever came up with this shirt doesn't deserve to be fired. They deserve the VP job.
Via AdLand
Gotta love those Canadian broads. Free health care and body paint is what it's all about. Game 5 returns to Vancouver. I expect to see more of this.
Via SportsFeeder
Twackle.com has this picture of Tim Tebow hitting up the practice range at the FedEx St. Jude Classic. Dude looks like he is on the Jesus juice. I guess the lesson here kids is if you never use your thang then you too can get jacked up like Tebow. I can't even imagine how backed up Tebow is right now. I mean can you imagine the first time he actually decides to have intercourse? The poor girl or guy will have no chance.
Yeah good luck trying to get that visual out of your head.
I just wanted a reason to post something, anything, about Kate Upton. I don't even find it remotely funny. But hey...it's got Kate Upton's boobs in it. Winner.
via Jason McIntyre
Last night I was informed by Jimmy Traina that Orlando Magic guard Gilbert Arenas, aka "Agent Zero," was tweeting updates on a blind date live on his Twitter account (@agentzeroshow). Arenas being the showman he is offered some highly entertaining and funny tweets about his date. Luckily there were no guns involved. But he did post a picture of what the poor girl was wearing. Needless to say I have a new favorite NBA player. Start reading from the bottom.
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Oh well gdnt then
12 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Sorry fellas she don't give it up on the first date....all that means is tomorrow..but by then I hope to be on another date...
12 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Its okay fellas she still wants action...ladies like rude boys..or the blk card I hav in my pocket..either way bam bam we got ACTION
12 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She called me a jack ass.. I said "she looks so cute with her little ugly self" who's NEXT
13 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She just said this was the worst date every.but I was thinkin the same thing.who wears a shirt they got from 5th ave in new york. on a date
13 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
If I would hav known i would mess this up I would have taken her to get a "rudy tutti fresh and fruiti meal"from ihop..grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
I don't think imma get the goods tonight...I messed my chances up..she looked mad..over there lookin like a thunder cat...
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
This dragon can eat....I'm glad were at a all u can eat... She went to the rest rm..I think I'm busted you guys. Her friend texted her.
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Look at this hot mess...she all most caught me takin the pic.. http://lockerz.com/s/108945230
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
She just had the nerve to ask me if I like her shirt..."ummmmmm yea on my floor near the fire place"imma call PETA to come get you
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Ill let u guys know what happen after this date. Should be funny!!!
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
And they want me to go in public with her..I thought she had a bunch of stretch marks but it was just her shirt..lookn like SIMBA
14 hours ago
agentzeroshow Gilbert Arenas
Got hooked up on a blind date..and I guess she was blind when she picked out this outfit ..OMG I thought she was the queen of ZAMUNDA
14 hours ago
So what if Terrelle Pryor got paid up to $40,000 for his signature on memorabilia. So what if Terrelle Pryor got free cars and free meals and free women. So what if Pryor got Tressel fired. And so what if Pryor got the Buckeyes in a shitload of trouble with heavy sanctions a mere formality.
Pryor don't care. Pryor is rich! Bitch! He's going to get paid out of the ass from dirty Buckeye boosters to keep his mouth shut about what really went on in Columbus. But fuck all that! The party is at Pryors house* tonight!
*=paid for by the Young Republicans of Buckeyes
Got your beer on ice? Brats ready for grilling? Tailgate locked and loaded for Saturdays in the Fall? Well if you are like me you can't wait for college football to kick off. Here are the SportsCrack.com's Must-See College Football Games for 2011:
1. Oregon vs LSU (Cowboys Stadium) September 3rd
In a huge matchup for two top 10 teams ready to kickoff the season in "Jerry Land" this will be a true litmus test for the rest of their seasons. Whoever wins this PAC-12 vs SEC game clash could be headed to the BCS Title game. Whoever loses will face an uphill battle to get back into BCS consideration. With two fanbases who are known to be extremely loud this game should be electric.
2. Boise State vs Georgia (Georgia Dome) September 3rd
The last time Boise came down to Georgia it didn't end too well for the Smurfs. They were blown out by the Dawgs in Athens back when Jared Zabransky and Dan Hawkins were hot commodities. This time it will be in Atlanta at the Georgia Dome with Boise expected to be the favorite despite playing the David in the David vs Goliath role. Kellen Moore will be looking to make a favorable Heisman impression on the voters on National TV while Georgia and coach Mark Richt will be looking to rebound from a disastrous 2010 losing season.
3. Oklahoma at FSU September 17th
Last year FSU went to Norman and got their collectives asses kicked. This year the game with two top 10 teams will be in Semen-hole country in Tallahassee. The Sooners will be #1 in the country behind a potent offense led by QB Landry Jones. FSU will be looking for payback while also trying to get back to a BCS Bowl game under 2nd year head coach Jimbo Fisher. This game will say a lot whether FSU is really back or just overhyped preseason.
4. LSU at West Virginia September 24th
The Bayou Bengals have one of the toughest schedules in the nation and a night game in Morgantown could be their achilles when all is said and done. WVU should be the favorite to win the Big East and if they can beat LSU they have a legit shot at reaching a BCS Title game. The X factor should be West Virginia QB Geno Smith. If he plays big then watch out for the Mountaineers.
5. Ohio State at Nebraska October 8th
This should be the start of a huge rivalry between two tremendous programs and fanbases. Nebraska and Bo Pelini will be looking to make a Big Ten title run with a home victory over the reigning Big Ten Champs in Ohio State. The Buckeyes could make a statement and tell the world they aren't ready to roll over and hide after sanctions come down because of Jim Tressel and Terrelle Pryor. Or they could wilt in Lincoln under a tremendous Husker team who should be able to run the ball.
6. Texas A&M at Oklahoma November 5th
The Aggies haven't won an outright Big 12 title since 1998. If they can beat the Sooners in Norman behind a great rushing attack led by Cyrus Gray they could change their fortunes. Oklahoma will be looking for revenge after getting blown out by the Aggies on the road last season. Offensively this should be a wide open game with tons of points being put on the scoreboard. I think it's safe to say whoever wins this game has the inside track for the Big 12 Championship game.
7. LSU at Alabama November 5th
If you like hard hitting football then this will be the game to watch. More than likely it won't be the prettiest game unless you love defensive battles. The SEC West is by far the toughest division in college football and both the Tigers and Crimson Tide will be looking for a win to possible secure a SEC Championship berth in Atlanta.
8. Oregon at Stanford November 12th
This game is for the PAC-12 Championship. Last season Oregon ran rough shot over the Cardinal in the second half on way to a BCS Title game berth. This season Stanford and Andrew Luck will be looking to win their first conference title in over a decade while also securing a Heisman in his trophy case. In what should be a very entertaining game look for LaMichael James to make a statement when it comes to West Coast supremacy.
9. Notre Dame at Stanford November 26th
This end of the season clash between two rising programs could determine a BCS Bowl berth. Luck will be going against a much improved Fighting Irish defense and will have to avoid LB Manti Te'o. Notre Dame will be looking to snap a 2-game losing streak against Stanford and get back to a BCS Bowl game for the first time in 5 years. This game should come down to the final whistle.
10. Alabama at Auburn (Iron Bowl) November 26th
Do we really need to talk about this game to let you know how must-see this is? You have fans poisoning trees. You have the last two National Champions on the field. It's the fucking Iron Bowl. It's bigger than Charlie Weis waistband. And while both these teams might already be out of the National Championship picture it still doesn't make this game any less intriguing.
The M Zone has this hilarious spoof of Jim Tressel as played by Vestocchio. The dig at the SEC in the end wasn't completely necessary but I get the point. Little Sisters of the Poor.
Buy the classic "Vest In Peace" shirt now by clicking on the link below:
Boston fans are freaking out, spitting up their clam chowder and Sam Adams about this hit from game 3 of last night's Stanley Cup Final. At first glance it looked bad. On second glance it looked even worse. On third glance holy fuck he got crushed for no good reason! Vancouver's Aaron Rome has been suspended for the remaining four games in the series because of the hit and chances are the Bruins have seen the last of Nathan Horton. The hit might have flipped the series too. The Canucks came in with a 2-0 series lead. After the hit the Bruins went on to smoke the Canucks 8-1. Game 4 is in Boston. Expect even more emotion and passion. And beady little eyes. And hockey sticks. Eh!
I don't have a fucking clue what she is saying but does it really matter? Shakira just jumped to the top of my charts with this "Rabiosa" video. The gyration of her hips could be classified as the 9th wonder of the world. Fucking A Shakira! Still bringing her A game for sure. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like with Shakira. I'll let Akon explain it...
Big League Stew posted this video last night of Bryce Harper, the MLB 2010 1st pick phenom, hitting a massive home run for Class A Hagerstown and then doing a slow Barry Bonds-like trot before blowing a kiss to the opposing pitcher. I've heard constant rumors about teammates not favoring Bryce and I figured some of that could be out of jealousy and some of it could be because the kid is a dick. After watching this video I'm going to go with dick. Yeah. The next pitch Harper needs to see is right at his throat.
Actually I can't wait for this kid to make it to the majors. The game needs a good villain and Harper seems immature enough to take over the reigns. Plus he plays for the Nationals so it will be fun to see him come into the ATL and try to pull that shit at The Ted.
HT to Andrew from the band Dielectric Sound
You remember that first time you got so shit face the whole room started spinning and you just wanted it to stop? Well let's go back in time and see how it felt all over again. Just look at that thing, somehow related to Kim, flashing her nipple on national television. I'm pretty positive Khloe has no relation to Kim. She was adopted. Has to be. She's proof that Arnold and that Mexican cleaning lady tried to throw away the first of the litter in the dumpster.
Image via Egotastic
