SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
1. LSU TIGERS-Clearly the best team in the country till they lose to Kentucky...wait for it, wait for it...gotcha fucker.
2. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES-They haven't played anybody worth a shit but they have a really good defense with one of the best coaches in the game along with a weak Big 10 schedule.
3. CAL BEARS-I'm still not convinced this team is for real. Offensively I like them a lot, defensively there is nothing to desire.
4. SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS-I don't know what to say, I just put South Florida as a top 5 team in the country. I'm completely lost this season.
5. OKLAHOMA SOONERS-They rebounded against Texas and now face a stern test from Missouri.
6. MIZZOU TIGERS-Chase Daniel could become an instant cult hit in Missouri if he beats the Sooners.
7. BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES-Notre Dame will get the chance to spoil their season for a change.
8. FLORIDA GATORS-I know they have lost two games but both came within the last minute in which they could have easily won both against LSU and Auburn.
9. OREGON DUCKS-If Desean Jackson doesn't exist they are sitting undefeated with a good chance at a National Title.
10. ILLINOIS FIGHTIN ILLINI-You know the season is totally whacked when Illinois makes an appearance in the top 10 along with Mizzou, Boston College, and South Florida.

This top ten poll has me totally lost, confused, and shaking like I just got violated by a drunk touchy feely Mark May at a Christmas party. I love College Football, but if this insanity keeps going I'm going to have to focus 95% of my energy on internet porn instead of the 90% I do now.


I will take a G and T now, thank you very much.

RANDOM JOKE
Big Talk

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


Jessica Simpson likes it.

EDDIE VEDDER IS BACK
It has been too damn long since I've heard the sweet voice of Eddie Vedder. Here is his latest song, Hard Sun, from the motion picture Into the Wild.

Vedder did the complete motion picture soundtrack for the film which is out in theaters. The film is based upon the book Into the Wild, a story about Christopher McCandless who graduates Emory University and decides to travel to Alaska. In doing so he gives up a life of material worth to travel and see the world through the eyes of the lonely wilderness.

It's great to hear Vedder. I used to listen to all of his acoustic bootleg cds back in high school and this album reminds me of those days when I could actually grow my hair out and get drunk off a 6 pack.

You can listen to more songs on the album and order it by clicking this link.

I can't stop listening to the song Society, in fact I put it as my profile song on Myspace if you want to listen to it.

THE YANKEES LOSE

Now it's time for Manny Ramirez and the Boston Red Sox to fail miserably against the Cleveland Indians. I vision JD Drew ruining any chance for the Red Sux not by his play but by his general demeanor.

Oh, and congrats to Mike Mussina. He left Baltimore in order to sell his soul and win a championship with the Yankees over 6 years ago. As you can tell I'm still not bitter about it at all. Anyways he is now an after thought in New York who gets booed more often than Joe Torre and he is still working on that championship thingy.

My Orioles suck but at least the Yankees Suck also.

HEISMAN TOP 5
First off I want to say making this list left me more conflicted than a whore at a Eagle Scout meeting. I mean, how can you pick one winner when really all of them have at least some resemblance of greatness in them? So with that I proudly crack open...a beer! Remember people, beer is food in liquid God-like form. Sweet nectar of life. Beer will solve all of your problems I remind myself. Oh fuck, I'm talking to myself again. At least someone will talk to me. Thank you Mr. Bud Light. You are so funny and you get all of my jokes unlike those stuffy judges and cops who always want to push their "rules and regulations" on you. You wanna make love?

Okay, enough of the shenanigans or this list will take me 20 more hours/beers and 50 more pit stops at the urinal before I pass out and forget that every black running back in college loves to eat crab legs. I'm serious and I honestly don't get it. Is it some kind of inside joke? Is it code for Red Snapper for white males? Last week I was watching West Virginia play and the device with flickering lights told me that Pat White and Steve Slaton both love to eat crab legs. Excuse me, in fucking West Virginia! Your lucky if you can find something besides a Butt King or a CrackDonalds to wet your appetite. And now this week I learned PJ Hill's favorite food is crab legs. I would have taken him seriously if he said crabs dipped in cheese dip but he didn't. Nobody in Wisconsin eats seafood. They eat brats with cheese and beer and generally die before the age of 60. It is what Wisconsin does. I only know this from watching "That 70's Show."

Okay, seriously, here is the list:

1. John David Booty
2. Troy Smith
3. USC's defense
4. Overrated QB for #1 team
5. Jimmy Clausen

Enough of the sarcasm, the Heisman is serious business, or as Lou Holtz would call it blithfuss.

1. Arkansas runningback-I can't give it to just one guy. Felix Jones is averaging over 10 yards a carry! For the season!!! Can I put some more asterisks in there for dramatic effect? I'm getting more excited than Tim Kurkjian looking at a box score. D-Mac and Jones are both tearing it up and I can't honestly say one is better than the other right now. I mean I think I know D-Mac is the more dynamic player but Jones has been a stud all season and can return kicks with the best of them. We have had co-MVPS in other sports, why not the Heisman?

2. Tim Tebow-He almost beat LSU by himself. Going into the game I thought there was no way he could survive running into their stout defense play after play. Well, he did it and nearly won the game for them. One has to wonder if Urban Meyer is thinking about putting Tebow at LB. In fact, if Tebow was playing linebacker too he would have stopped Lester at the goal line. And no, I don't care if Florida has two losses. It wasn't Tebow's fault and I don't believe in punishing candidates only because their team loses.

3. Chase Daniel-Mizzou is 5-0 thanks to Chase and his ability to hit receivers in stride and also tuck the ball and get an important first down. With this being said I could see Oklahoma tearing up Mizzou this week and making this pick a one week honor.

4. Andre Woodson-I know he had a bad game on national television against South Carolina but I still believe he is the best drop back QB in the nation. If he can somehow lead the Wildcats to an upset over LSU then he could become the leading candidate. I know, there is no way LSU can lose...right? I mean just because USC lost to Stanford doesn't mean every team will lose to shitty inferior competition.

5. Mike Hart-It was between Hart and Mendenhall. You really can't go wrong with either. Hart has carried the Wolverines and in a way so has Mendenhall. But I guess with Hart you know he is going to put a team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. Sounds like a Heisman contender to me.

Just missed the cut: Matt Ryan, Desean Jackson, Sam Bradford, Pat White

Coming soon, I swear you filthy addicts:
1) New top 10 poll(FUSC)
2) Midseason All-American team(interesting decision for RB)
3) New Heisman top 5 (I so wanted to put Booty in there because he plays for USC and he must be good right, right?)
4) Baseball playoff talk (Oh fuck me, the Red Sox and the Yankees are still in this damn thing, no wonder I haven't been watching)
5) Random jokes
6) NHL Preview (I think the season starts in a few days, I better start previewing, Go Thrashers!)
7) Family Guy references....

THIS IS WHY NOBODY WATCHES VERSUS

Umm, "touchdown USC" is not quite the appropriate call there when Stanford just scored the tying touchdown. And then the other announcer fucks up saying "Jim Harbaugh is going to go for the tie right here" when in fact they just scored a touchdown all they have to do is kick the extra point to win it.

Now I know watching USC lose to Stanford is shocking in its own right, but come on man. This could have been your signature call for an all-time moment yet you screwed it up worse than Britney Spears at the VMA's. If the Brit is doing better than you right now then you know you have problems.

But if your Versus at least you have the NHL to fail back on (crickets chirping in the background)....oh well, USC lost, so thank you Versus for at the very least televising a great moment in sports history with maybe two of the biggest blunders in broadcasting.

Don't think I won't forget about those outrageous, no, no....

I'm back home so expect a lot more posts with an endless amount of fart jokes and mindless nudie pics sprinkled in between the two empty bottles of scotch.

It's all game now.

Notre Dame finally won.

USC blows.

Life is good.

USC LOSES, FALLS TO #1 IN THE RANKINGS
You are a 41 point favorite at home against a doormat of a football program with a backup quarterback making his first start. You are suppose to dominate and beat the living shit out of Stanford if you are USC. What do you do? You lose in one of the biggest upsets in college football history.

And what do the pollsters do?

They drop them to #7 and #10 in the rankings.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Didn't Michigan lose at home to a huge underdog and not only drop out of the top 10 but also the rankings all together? The pollsters need to get off their knees and wipe the Pete Carroll crust off their filthy mouths. USC is not as good as you think they are. Repeat it to yourself again. USC is not that good.

Maybe then when you come to this conclusion will your balls finally decide to drop.

My sentiments exactly.

DAMN YOU HAYDEN!

My favorite team: The MooseKnuckles...

SOUTH CAROLINA VS. KENTUCKY FOR SEC EAST TITLE?
I know PAC-10 lovers are looking at this matchup and screaming at their pumpkin spice latte in Starbucks saying "see, see, the PAC-10 is better than the SEC!" Sure brah, hang ten. Anyways, this game of old shitty NFL coaches gone good in the SEC east is much more than SECPoon and Smelley Cocks. It's about a coming out party for QB Andre' Woodson. Not a lot of people west of the Mississippi have seen him play but will be given the chance to watch Erin Andrews sweet...umm, yeah, too many gin and tonics out here right now.

Drunk, ripped, dawn here in Hawaii.

Sorry, I'm rambling like an 18 year old hooker waiting to satisfy her first john. And by hooker I mean Smelley Cock and by john I mean Ole ball coach click-clack. This game will be in front of 90,000 plus screaming, foaming Cock lovers thirsting for blood on a warm October night in a state that prides itself in crescent moons and fake palm trees. All I know is the Cocks are missing their best player in LB Jasper Brinkley. God had different plans for him like the poor black linebacker who blows out his knee in The Program. Come to think of it, this whole Gamecock team is like the fictional team in The Program. Blake Mitchell is the ugly drunk QB who has daddy issues and boinks a hot Buffy the Vampire Slayer before she gets a boob job guy.

Wait, there would be no Lattimore-a steroid popping freak of an athlete rapist who bangs the head coach's daughter.

I know you guys and gals are reading this waiting for a cohesive sentence with some logical meaning. Sorry, I'm in an internet cafe feeling dazed and confused while typing here on this beautiful MAC. My thoughts are Kentucky should for all intended purposes win this game even though they are the 3 and a Noel Devine underdog on the road. The Wildcats have better athletes and more speed and should be able to stretch the field against the Cocks. But of course the Cocks have the home field advantage and Ole Ball Coach.

Fuck, I'm so confused. Not because my liver has gone to hell or because I see a man laughing at me in my computer screen. It's this college football season. How are teams like South Florida and Kentucky undefeated right now and sitting in the top ten? How is my beloved Notre Dame slumped over at 0-5 walking down the corridor to a shiny needle named USC at the end. Wait a second, what the hell am I doing sitting in an internet cafe with a now empty gin and tonic mumbling to the computer screen while the nerd behind me is watching one of the shitty remakes of Star Wars while giggling at the fake cartoon version of Yoda?

The beach awaits, I want to wrestle a shark while I burn and roast to a nice pinkish red similar to Clint Hurdle's face. A few more days out here and I will come back looking like Leatherface Mcgee, known to the common man as the Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan.

Oh yeah, I'm taking Big Woodson over the Smelley Cock.

SOCCER PLAYERS ARE STILL PUSSIES

This is a video from yesterday's UEFA match between AC Milan and Celtic. The goaltender's name is Dida. Nuff said. It's this kind of crybaby shit that turns off red blooded, run till you blow out both knees Americans from the "world's game." I will be the first to admit I actually enjoy watching UEFA games on ESPN2, but any time I see a guy take a dive it just makes me turn the channel.

And no, that isn't Mike Tyson running on the field and giving him a love tap.

Hat tip to Deadspin.

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
Okay, this is the part where you say "fuck you" for telling me this but I did have some thoughts on the wild weekend of College Football while watching it at 6 am in Hawaii. Any excuse to wake up on the beach at 6 in the morning and start drinking while mixing in some crazy concoctions of upsets is a great way to destroy the liver of life. Anyways, here are some thoughts:

-What the fuck was Bob Stoops thinking? Seriously, he had a timeout left and decided not to use it to either A)ice the kicker or B)use it so they had some time left on the clock for a final play of their own if he made the kick. The Sooners really disappointed me not only with their play but their decisions. They should have killed Colorado but instead handed the game to them. I will give the Boulders some credit and acknowledge the fact that Dan Hawkin's son Cody is playing a good QB, but there is no reason for the Sooners to lose a game like that.

-So is USC really any good? They looked like shit on Saturday night/early Saturday afternoon here in beautiful sunny Hawaii. Again this is the part where you mumble "fuck you" while sitting in your cubbie while your fat smelly co-worker offers you some advice for your team not to lose. I think it was only proper to put LSU ahead of USC right now in the rankings. LSU is so much more dominant up front on both lines that they wouldn't have that hard of time handling USC in my opinion. True LSU didn't look particularly great against Tulane in the first half but they put it together in the second half to blow them out.

-Cal is the real deal. I've had my doubts with their team but winning in Eugene is impressive. Desean Jackson of course stepped up to the plate and delivered. Big time players show up in big games. It still looks weird to see a team like Cal sitting at #3 in the polls. Holy shit balls, South Florida is #6 right now. This past weekend just demonstrates how crazy a playoff system would be.

-Andre Woodson is the leading Heisman candidate right now. No questions asked. He is the best QB in the nation. Fucking Kentucky is in the top 10 people. K-E-N-T-U-C-K-Y. If I hear one national media person try to tell me that JD Booty will win it because he plays for USC then I will personally go over to their place, pull down their pants, take a before picture, kick them in the balls, and then take a picture after and post it here on this blog. Woodson could get Kentucky to a SEC Championship game and I hope he does. The Wildcats are my new favorite underdog team.

-Notre Dame finally found an identity in the second half against Purdue. The offensive line started blocking people, and freshman WR Golden Tate had his coming out party. Tate is a player ND has been missing for a long time since Julius Jones left. The kid just makes plays. His 3 catches on Saturday were all highlight worthy. Along with fellow freshmen WR Duval Kumara, RBs Armando Allen and Robert Hughes, TE Mike Ragone, and QB Jimmy Clausen you can see a nucleus in one class that could turn into the best offensive class in ND history.

-Baseball predictions: Yankees will beat the Indians, Angels will beat the Red Sox in the AL. Cubs will beat the Diamondbacks, and the Padres(if they win tonight) will beat the Phillies. No expert analysis here, just a hunch.

WEEKEND PICKS
Just a reminder to get your college football picks in today before 5 pm eastern if you are in the Sportscrack pick em contest.

Here are my picks this week:

West Virginia(-7.5) at South Florida: The spitting lisp gave the pep talk to the Bulls so I got to take the Mountaineers.

Prediction: West Virginia 27 South Florida 17

Ole Miss (+15) at Georgia: Ole Miss can hang with Georgia and the Bulldogs haven't blown out a decent opponent in a long time.

Prediction: Georgia 24 Ole Miss 18

Oklahoma (-22) at Colorado: I'm going to keep riding the Sooners money train.

Prediction: Oklahoma 49 Colorado 20

Cal at Oregon (-6): I just have this feeling that Oregon really wants to make a statement and prove they need to be taken serious for a National Title this year.

Prediction: Oregon 35 Cal 28

Clemson at Georgia Tech (+3): Just playing a hunch here, Tech usually beats Clemson when they are underdogs especially at home.

Prediction: GT 20 Clemson 17

Alabama (+2.5) at FSU: Umm, why is Alabama an underdog in this game? The Criminoles suck ass, I'm going with $aban Nation.

Prediction: Alabama 28 FSU 14

Auburn (+18) at Florida: I got to go with Auburn here just because of the huge spread. The Tigers know how to beat Florida and they won't be scared of the Swamp.

Prediction: Tebow 31 Auburn 20

Notre Dame at Purdue(-21): Nothing has changed for me to believe ND will be in this game. Enjoy this game Purwho, it will be the last time you beat ND for a long time.

Prediction: Purdue 45 Notre Dame 17

GREAT NEWS: KEVIN EVERETT IS MOVING
But he still hates cops? You be the judge...


You have to love unintentional comedy. Who ever screwed up the news station footage has a job offer from Sportscrack waiting for them. Of course pay is little to nothing but I have been told I give great massages with my "big hands."

"You so hard you need to relax guy."


Kevin Everett video via BarstoolSports

IT'S OFFICIAL: SOUTH FLORIDA IS FUCKED!

The dreaded curse of the lisp appears to have stricken South Florida this week. Lou Holtz' latest blabbering pep talk is designed to pump up the Bulls for their Friday showdown against West Virginia. More likely it will extend the dreaded Holtz pep talk curse to Tampa where the Bulls will go down faster than a struggling Hollywood starlet on a casting couch.

I wonder if Vegas waits for the lisp of Holtz before deciding the line on the game?
West Virginia is favored by 7.5 points. I think the half point is in honor of Noel Devine. He may be half a man in size but the little guy is more jittery and elusive than a DC crack addict.

DuscHEBAGS

My little brother Sean is considering going to USC (I know, quit the missing chromosone jokes now)to hang out, study (wink, wink) and party with a bunch of DUSCHEBAGS. I know he reads this blog every once in a while. Sean, the picture above is a warning. Do you really want to be associated with white rich kids who actually support O.J? You might as well go to Virginia Tech and start a memorial for Vick's career.

Food for thought Sean. I'm just saying.

Picture via Deadspin

SECPOON IS BACK
Never fear Poon lovers, I have been informed that the SECPoon is back and better than ever. Thanks to good bud and fellow blogger MacGsWorld(great blog by the way, highly recommend), we have received a relaunch at www.poonsec.blogspot.com. Don't ask any questions, just bookmark the page, unzip...errr, I mean relax and enjoy the lovely southern ladies.

I've been informed that the two ladies above do go to Tennessee and actually have all their teeth and even know how to spell their first...and last names. I think this deserves a slow, resounding, golf clap.

Oh oh yeah, GOD.BLESS.THE.POON.

NEW SHIRT
We call it the Backup College shirt, otherwise known as BC. You always had a dream to get in your first university of choice but just weren't good enough, well now you can wear your second rate college shirt.

Click on the image below to order, all orders will be shipped October 5th so preorder soon so you can get it before gameday...