RANDOM JOKE
Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

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TO DOESN'T LIKE JESSICA SIMPSON
Oh man, this is going to get really interesting in Dallas. You knew it was just a matter of time before Terrell Owens completely destroyed the locker room chemistry. And now he is doing it for the Cowboys. This might get as exciting as watching Britney Spears and her family destroy people's views on Southerners. Owens had some choice words for Simpson and Carrie Underwood:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," T.O. said. "I think with everything that has happened, and obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she's probably taking his focus away.

"Other than that, she was at the top of my list until last week."

Romo didn't make his usual Wednesday appearance in the locker room, so we didn't have a chance to get his reply to T.O.'s concern about Ms. Simpson. And T.O. isn't done dealing with her, either.

"I've got a message for her when we make the playoffs," T.O. said. "Just stay tuned."

I know what you are thinking. Big fucking deal if TO doesn't like her. Personally I don't give a shit but I can't wait to see how TO completely destroys the Cowboys SuperBowl chances by getting in pissing arguments with his quarterback.

Stay tuned.

O'S TRADE ROBERTS TO CUBS?
I just got a call telling me the Baltimore Orioles are about to trade All-Star secondbaseman/admitted steroid user Brian Roberts to the Chicago Cubs for three players.

The players from the Cubs are Sean Gallagher, OF Matt Murton, and 2b Eric Patterson.

This trade if it in fact goes down is great for both sides. The Cubs get a leadoff hitter and an All-Star secondbasemen who will be a fan favorite in Wrigley. The Orioles get younger and a replacement at secondbase in Patterson, the younger brother of Corey. Murton could start in left or be flipped in another package for more players. Gallagher is another young starter who could either fill the back end of the rotation for the O's or come out of the bullpen.

Too bad the Cubs wouldn't give up Felix Pie. More to come later.

ARTHUR BLANK STATEMENT CONCERNING THE BIG TUNA
How many times can a billionaire get kicked in the nuts before dead hookers start floating up? Poor guy, here is his statement concerning the Big Tuna...

"Late last night it was revealed to the media by a source outside the Falcons that we were close to reaching an agreement with Bill Parcells to lead the club's football operations.

Prior to the information becoming public, we had reached an agreement in principle with Parcells, and we met with him this morning to complete the contract. At that time, we were made aware by Parcells that he was considering a revised offer from the Miami Dolphins. He later informed us that he would not be signing a contract with us.

We remain committed to looking at every option for building a championship-caliber team for our fans. I have stated we will leave no stone unturned in doing so, and this effort is one example of that. We gave it our best shot, and it didn't work out.

We will continue down the same overall path, proceeding with plans to hire a general manager and a head coach. We will identify and consider every strongly viable candidate for these positions, with the goal of hiring the best. Rich McKay remains President of the club and will retain general manager responsibilities until a new GM is hired.

We will be making no further comment on the Parcells matter."

Football has become a cut throat, turn your back and never trust a man's word kind of business. Or in this case the Big FUPA. Makes for interesting blog entries I must say. I think the Falcon's should still try to get Mike Singletary as their head coach and draft Darren McFadden. I would love to see a backfield combo of Jerious Norwood and D-MAC. Draft a guy like Joey Flacco in the 2nd or third round so you are not giving up a lot of money for a QB who is likely to fail. Build the team around those pieces and I can guarantee you I would pay for tickets again next year. Nose bleed tickets.

HOT STOVE TALK
So how about that big Johan Santana trade? Oh yeah, it never happened. But don't get discouraged Red Sox and Yankees fans, I'm sure Bud Selig is working some back door plan in which you give up a couple of A level prospects for the game's best pitcher. It always seems to work out just fine for those teams and not the Twins. Actually from what I have heard from numerous sources is the Twins want two of these three in Jacoby Ellsbury, Jon Lester, and Clay Buchholz. The Red Sox and GM Theo Epstein are not budging and are willing to only give up one of those guys plus some other bits and pieces. The Red Sox are in an ideal position given they have a lot young premiere talent coming up through their system and already have a major league roster full of World Series winning depth. They don't have to make the trade for Santana but you know who would love to make the deal: the Yankees.

The Twins want at least two of the three of Ian Kennedy, Joba Chamberlain,
and Phil Hughes from the Yankees. The Yankees and Hank Steinbrenner have made it clear they are not trading Chamberlain. I know Joba was lights out last season but I think he is a flash in the pan. With Santana you know what you are getting and it just happens to be the best lefty in the game. I think if you are the Yankees you have to make this trade. There are no guarantees with prospects and as good as Chamberlain and Hughes could become in the future there is also a good chance they could flame out and have arm problems. Getting a guy like Santana makes them contenders with the Red Sox today. And if it takes a throw in like CF Melky Cabrera to get it done then I think they should do it.

The Orioles have already unloaded Miguel Tejada to the Astros for 5 players headlined by OF Luke Scott and SP Troy Patton. In my opinion it was an excellent trade for both teams. The Astros get an All-Star Shortstop who is just as good as Derek Jeter in my opinion if not better. Putting him in a lineup with Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee should be instant offense. Of course there are the steroid/B-12 issues but Tejada can still play the game when he is healthy.

The O's needed to unload Tejada in order to revamp a poorly run franchise which has been run into the ground by owner and douchebag extraordinaire Peter Angelos. Angelos has apparently waken up and realized the O's needed to be run by someone with some competence and without interference from himself. Enter Andy MacPhail. MacPhail started by taking the best player in the draft this past season in Georgia Tech catcher Matt Wieters. Wieters is a Scott Boras client and was deemed a hard signing for whomever drafted him. MacPhail knew he had to get him signed and more importantly knew the Baltimore faithful would lose all trust in him to get the ship turned around if he didn't. Fortunately for myself and many other Oriole fans they got a deal done at the last second. Let's just say if they didn't get him signed I would have been the first person to put flaming dog pooh in front of Angelos and MacPhail's house. I'm serious by the way. MacPhail next mission is to trade #1 ace Erik Bedard and All-Star secondbaseman Brian Roberts.

Bedard is a rare jewel in terms of trade bait. Unlike Santana, Bedard is locked up for another two years before he hits free agency. He is just now entering the prime of his career and is a top 5 starting pitcher in the game. Oh yeah, he is also a lefty who averages more than a strikeout per inning. You put Bedard on a playoff contending team and it will all of a sudden make them a serious World Series contender in my opinion.

Here are some of the rumors and/or near deals for Bedard so far:

LA Dodgers trade Matt Kemp, Jonathan Broxton, and another high end minor league player possibly two of them amongst Andy LaRoche, Clayton Kershaw, Andre Ethier, and Tony Abreau among others. Unfortunately for myself the Dodgers recently signed Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda to a silly contract in tune of 3 years at 35 million. I was hoping the O's would be able to poach Kemp and Kershaw from the Dodgers because I think both are going to be big stars and would fill seats for years to come in Camden Yards. So in other words I want to give a giant FU to Dodgers GM Ned Colletti for making it not happen. You could have made this Oriole fan sleep better at night. Instead now I must constantly drink and play with myself till I run out of the energy to think of ways to improve the O's, but that is neither here or there.

The Seattle Mariners have entered discussions supposedly offering some combination of Adam Jones, Jeff Clement, Wladimir Balentien, Brandon Morrow, and George Sherrill. Jones has future star written all over him and I believe Clement could be a really good catcher but is currently blocked by Kenji Johjima at the big league level. But of course the O's already have a good catcher in Ramon Hernandez who will be keeping the seat warm till Wieters is ready which could be as soon as September. Unless somehow the O's flipped Clement there really is no reason to make this trade with the Mariners. The O's need a shortstop to fill Tejada's spot and Luis Hernandez doesn't fit the suit in terms of hitting. Don't get me wrong though, if the Mariners offer up all those guys I would be willing to do the trade and through in a relief pitcher along with Bedard to make sure they are happy. But I don't see it happening especially if the M's sign Carlos Silva to the reported 4 year/44 million dollar deal in discussion. The Mariners are idiots if they give Silva that contract and decide to pass on a Bedard.

So that leaves the Cincinnati Reds who have made it known that OF Jay Bruce is off limits. Bruce is the #1 ranked minor leaguer and has star written all over him. I would love to see Bruce in the same outfield as current star Nick Markakis. In fact I would love it so much that I would be willing to trade Bedard straight up for Bruce. I know the O's would want more but there is no reason to get greedy. Bruce is the real deal. The Reds are trying to dump Homer Bailey, Joey Votto, and another lesser known minor leaguer for Bedard. I like Votto and think he could be a good everyday player at 1b but I'm starting to think Bailey is garbage. The Reds want to unload him and that tells me he isn't what everyone thinks he is which is a potential ace in the making. If the Reds want to offer up Bailey, Votto, and say Josh Hamilton I might do the deal. Hamilton is a wild card and we all know how prevalent heroin is around Baltimore. Yes it could be tempting. Just cough up Bruce and I'm good.

Other silent suitors for Bedard include the Braves(I don't want to hear it Braves fans, Glavine is shit!), Red Sox, Yankees, White Sox, and Angels. If the Red Sox want to offer up Ellsbury and Buchholz I would personally blow Epstein and make sure he was satisfied till no end. But that or a potential Yankees trade will never happen because they are in the AL East.

ATLANTA FALCONS LAND BILL PARCELLS

If this in fact happens it will be the best hire Falcons owner Arthur Blank has made since buying the team. Parcells is the perfect choice as VP of Football Operations. Parcells has a proven track record as a coach in turning a perennial loser into a winner. He has done it with the Giants, Jets, Patriots, and most recently the Cowboys. If anybody knows how to evaluate NFL talent and put it together into a winning combination it is none other than Bill Effing Parcells.

With Blank finally realizing GM Rich McKay simply wasn't getting the job done it will be interesting to see who Parcells hires as the new GM and coach. I'm a big fan of 49ers assistant head coach Mike Singletary. I think he would be an excellent choice as the face of the franchise right now. He has proven in Baltimore and San Francisco that he is an excellent teacher who values work ethic and most noticeably discipline. Discipline has gone bye-bye to the Falcons ever since they brought in questionable players like DeAngelo Hall. They need a coach that will hold them accountable and kick their ass at the same time. Singletary should be their man.

As for GM I have no clue. I wouldn't mind seeing Parcells take over in some form the GM duties. All I know is McKay is no longer in charge of the personnel and that alone is a significant improvement.

The Falcons franchise finally turned the page today with the hiring of Parcells. Now go out there and tank these last two games so you can get the #2 pick in the NFL Draft. It's what every logical clear thinking Falcon's fan wants right now.

UPDATE: Bill Parcells just turned down the job. The Falcons still suck balls. I blame all of this on Rich McKay. He sucks hairy donkey balls filled with Ed Hartwells and bad draft picks.

10 YEAR SINCE FARLEY DIED
Wow, it's been ten years to this day that Chris Farley died way too early. I actually remember exactly where I was when I first heard the news of his passing. I had just drove home for Christmas break from college up in Maryland when the first thing my Mom told me was she "was sorry to hear about Chris Farley." Of course my Mom knew how big of a fan I was since I would go to see all of his movies the first day they came out. I just remember being devastated that such a funny, lovable, sweaty, fat guy who I never knew passed away. Hearing now that it marks the ten year anniversary of his passing means I'm getting way too old and it is time to pour one out for one of the funniest guys to ever grace the stage.

Here is a good tribute video of Farley I found on Youtube...

Tonight will be a Milwaukee's Finest type of thing going on for me.

I LOVE THIS GUY

This is by far the funniest Carl sketch from Adult Swim. By the way I noticed how Roger Clemens again lied today saying he has never taken HGH or steroids or any performance enhancing drugs. Clemens is now the #1 jackass in all of sports. You just past Barry Bonds for doucheness Rocket!

ROCKET ROIDING BACK IN 1995

The guy was taking it in the ass(syringes) and still throwing computer nerds like myself 98 MPH. Hall of Fame in my book.

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS IDEAS
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DID YOU HEAR?
I'm sure none of you knew(wink wink) before yesterday that pop singer/boner delight Jessica Simpson is dating Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo until FOX showed her shaking her big thangs in a pink Romo jersey. If you are the 5 people who didn't know or catch a glimpse of Jessica, apparently the talented one of the dumb sisters, well then here you go...

The douchebag sitting next to her is her Dad in case you were wondering. He is the type of guy who would sell his daughter as a sex slave to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones if it got him suite tickets for the Eagles game. Oh wait, never mind. It's actually kind of sweet how Romo nailed her and had his worst performance as a pro because it helped put money in my pocket. And by money I don't mean the high hard one if that is what you were wondering.

I should just go now.

RICH RODRIGUEZ PRESS CONFERENCE
I'm watching the Rich Rodriguez press conference right now and I'm getting excited. This is a marriage of hell waiting to happen.

Rodriguez is country.

Ann Arbor is a whore.

Michigan is now the Britney Spears of college football.

The guy on the left is Bill Martin by the way.

RYAN MALLETT TO RUN SPREAD OFFENSE
Laughter ensues throughout the nation as it has now become a formality. Rich Rodriguez is the new head coach at the University of Michigan.

The Rich Rodriguez era at West Virginia ended early Sunday afternoon, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

In an early afternoon meeting with his football team, Rodriguez announced he was leaving to become the head coach at Michigan.

Rodriguez walked into a scheduled 1:30 p.m. meeting with his team and emerged 10 minutes later without comment and walked briskly back to his office. Shortly thereafter the players began to file out of the meeting room, somber-faced and generally without comment.

Rodriguez reportedly met with Michigan officials this past Friday in Toledo, Ohio.

And yet another coach turns his back on his alma mater to make more money. Such great leaders of young men these college coaches have become! It should be interesting to see the transition in offensive philosophy with Rodriguez's spread offense integrated with a traditional drop-back QB in Mallett. Uber recruit QB/Program changer Terrelle Pryor should be Rodriguez's first and number one priority once he starts recruiting for the Wolverines. Because we all know watching Mallett run a spread offense is going to be as silly as a Mexican in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

A great hire by Michigan, what are the chances Rodriguez makes a Tressel-like promise to beat their arch rival Ohio State and the Wolverine faithful pulls out their smelly disgusting wangs and start whacking away in a public library? Oh wait, that is THE Ohio State faithful.

Any excuse to watch this clip again is good enough for me. Poor Mike Cooper. Can't a man masterbate in public without being hassled? Guess not.

It has been announced that the Padres have filled their vacant center field spot by aquiring Jim Edmonds and cash from the Cardinals for Minor League third baseman and St. Louis native son David Freese. This is obviously a salary dump in the eyes of the Cardinals and as a loyal fan I can't help but celebrate the move. I am already a fan of Mozeliak as he made up for one of Jocketty's few bad decisions when he signed Edmonds for 2 years and 19 mil last year. He obviously sees that if you have an opportunity to go young and cheap at a postion that you will be able to spend that money elsewhere to help your team. Let's be honest, Edmonds did not earn one cent of his contract last year.

Even though I am not high on Edmonds now, I do respect the player that he was in St. Louis. He was often thought of as being lax at times and a non leader in the club house. I believe the game just came very easy to him and he did have that Southern Cali flare to him. He put all questions of his leadership to rest when he led the Cards to the World Series Championship a couple of years ago. It was his idea of handing out a game ball to the series saver Ronnie Belliard against the Padres. After that game the practice of handing out gameballs continued throughout the playoffs and brought the team closer together.

When I think of Jim Edmonds as a Cardinal I remember his majestic home runs. The most important one being his extra inning game winning home run in game 6 of the NLCS against the Astros to force game 7. I also remember his effortless catches. The most important one being the one that I saw in person in game 7 of the NLCS against the Astros when he saved the series by robbing Brad Ausmus.

But I also realize that his skills have greatly diminished the past few years. Too many times St. Louis fans would rather keep the good guy rather then do what is best for the team. Showing the unselfish man that he is, Edmonds chose to waive his no trade clause even though he wanted to retire a Redbird because he knew it was best for the team.

Take care Jimmy in beautiful San Diego and I hope that you were able to teach the next great center fielder in St. Louis about how to be a true Redbird.

ANYBODY WANT TO COACH MICHIGAN?
Well it finally appears Michigan might have found a suitor in West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez according to the Sporting News.

There's a new twist in Michigan's ongoing search for a head coach: University officials are meeting with West Virginia coach Rich Rodriguez, according to Sporting News Radio correspondent Michael Bradley.

Rodriguez and his agent are in Toledo today to negotiate with Michigan athletic director Bill Martin and university president Mary Sue Coleman.

I know last year Rodriguez flirted with the Alabama job and thus got a substantial raise at West Virginia because of the Crimson Tide's infatuation. My hope is that Rodriguez is genuinely interested in the Michigan job and not just using them for another raise for himself and his assistants. Because you know that Michigan would never accept somebody like Les Miles who just used the Wolverines job as a springboard for a more lucrative deal with his present employer. I mean this is Michigan, the mecca of college football right? They have nobody coming back next year but West Virginia has Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine back so it would make perfect sense for him to jump ship to Ann Arbor.

If you are a retard.

HONEY LISTEN!

ROGER: Honey, hey listen, I'm out here with the guys and this one guy George Mitchell is really pushing me hard to talk to me about steroids.

WIFE: Are you kidding?

ROGER:Just say no and I won't say a thing about sticking needles in me and Andy's ass.

WIFE:inaudible "Don't do it you fucking idiot! We will lose millions like the Vicks!"

ROGER:Just say no and I won't do it!

WIFE: inaudible "Listen up you stupid roided up fuck, if you talk I will cut off your balls and serve them to our dog Kujo if you say anything to Mitchell about steroids! Get our lawyer to talk to him!"

ROGER:Okay, great then, guys I'm back, I'm going to spill the beans! My Hall of Fame career is fucked, she's speechless!

NO MORE STUPID STEROID TALK
I want to laugh at something besides Peter Gammons tinted glasses and dried up drool he refuses to wipe from his funny looking head.

So here you go, thoughtless laughing courtesy of one of my favorite shows Family Guy...


And oh yeah, some eye candy from a football game can get our thoughts off that pesky drug investigation...(NSFW by the way if you work for a dickhead)...

I HAVE PROOF CLEMENS DIDN'T USE STEROIDS

See, the picture above clearly shows Clemens wasn't roiding when this picture was taken during the World Series. It was so simple to see even back then. This whole Mitchell investigation was clearly a waste of time. With that being said I am now mailing off my wish list to Santa Claus. I really want that Playstation 3 and I know Santa Claus is going to bring it to me.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS
Why would former New York Mets clubhouse attendant Kirk Radomski lie? I have no hard feelings for Radomski other than the fact that he supplied ILLEGAL steroids to tons of major league players. Radomski has no reason to lie and implicate players who did not actively cheat or seek his services. Don't be pissed at the guy who rats out people because everybody is responsible for their own actions. It makes me laugh when people are presented with evidence that their favorite player or team was involved and yet don't believe that these guys were doing it. Did you honestly think that Barry Bonds was the only douchebag doing it? Get your fucking heads out of the sand and come up for air people.

Listen, I'm an enormous Baltimore Orioles fan and even I knew that Brian Roberts more than likely used some sort of illegal substance. I'm a huge BROB fan because of all his charity work around Baltimore and admire his attitude in regards to baseball. I've even had the opportunity to meet him and he came off as a great guy. But with that being said it doesn't mean he hasn't cheated himself and the game of baseball by using a banned substance. We need to accept the fact that "good guys" use steroids or HGH.

I am one of the last people to judge these guys because even I get it when players use the stuff because they want an edge. There are millions of dollars and dreams at stake in the high rolling world of Major League Baseball. But it doesn't make it right to use juice even if everybody else is doing it.

After reading the report I know it's only a sliver of what actually goes on throughout the league. All of the players are pussies plain and simple. Some will call it honorable not to rat out their boys but I think what they have done to the game is the most unhonorable thing you can do to the actual game. Don't get mad at George Mitchell for not reporting the likes of Marcus Giles and Kyle Farnsworth whom I know have used steroids in the past because the players union is not talking.

THE PLAYERS UNION ARE THE DOUCHEBAGS. Be mad at them for not being honest. Be mad at them for throwing your hard earned money for $7 beers and $5 hot dogs because these assholes cheat in order to make millions off of you. These players cheated in order to make more money and have no regards to the game itself. Don't blame Mitchell for trying to find out the facts when everybody in the game of baseball wants to sweep it under the rug.

And also I wanted to give a giant FU to Peter Gammons. This guy is a Hall of Fame writer but he is also a Hall of Fame kiss ass to the players. The reporters and media are as much at fault with the steroids issue being ignored for all these years and now Gammons is saying these reports mean nothing. Your wrong Gammons, it means you didn't do your fucking job and questioned players when guys like Brady Anderson and Luis Gonzalez were all of sudden hitting 50 plus homeruns after gaining a miraculous 30 pounds of muscle during the offseason. I know Gammons is in fear of losing the player's collective trust and will no longer be drinking buddies with a lot of the players but you know what? That isn't your job. Your job is to report as objectively as possible and Gammons is among many others who isn't one.

In conclusion I'm going to be one of the few people who actually speaks up for the Mitchell report. It wasn't a waste of money. He came in trying to clean up the game and get some answers for things nobody wants to answer because everybody has their money in deep pockets full of lies and deception. Mitchell wants a clean game and so do I. He asked the tough questions that Bud Selig was too pussy enough to ask himself. Selig could have cleaned up the sport a long time ago by putting in a drug testing policy without getting the player's union approval. Seriously, fuck the player's union if they are not going to agree or vote to a drug policy. It shouldn't be their choice. It's not their game, it's the public's game and the owner's game. The players are just employees who build the product like any of us who work for somebody else. Hopefully Selig sees this now and makes the drug testing policy even more difficult. Dont' give me the bullshit excuse of collective bargaining with Donald Fehr as a reason why you can't do anything Selig. You are the fucking commissioner. Stop being a pussy and do your fucking job. For once and for all let's clean up the game without asking what the players think.