GREG PAULUS CARRIES ON THE DUKE TRADITION

I have a general hatred for Duke Basketball and some people may wonder why it is? It's because of shit like this. It started years ago with Christian Laettner and was passed on to Shane Battier and now apparently to Greg Paulus. The art of horrible acting to get fouls called in your direction. Coach K and his filthy whore mouth teaches the act to all of his players but these douchebags have perfected "the flop", "the crying", the "act like you have been punched" routine so much that they make Brendan Fraser look like an Academy Award thespian. Paulus is the little punk white guard who has little talent but is one of those hustle guys who mixes it up with the big boys so to speak. But what he does is talk shit and gets away with it because he is a little white guy. This is why I can't watch Duke Basketball. They tend to flop as often as Italian soccer...

I think it is time for the ACC conference to review plays such as the dive and the flop perfected by Paulus and suspend them for games for unsportsmanlike behavior. Or as I call it "general douchness."

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

OSI UMENYIORA LIKES TO POOP ON GIRLS

DOLPHINS HIRE TONY SOPRANO

Okay, it's not really the Jersey tough guy but you have to admit Tony Sparano is going to turn a lot of heads with that name down in Miami. The new head coach of the Dolphins should know that the Miami/Boca Raton area is a loaded cesspool with retired Mafia syndicates. They might come after him just because they get him mixed up with Bobby's cousin's girlfriend's uncle who went by the same name who once stole a shipment of plasmas being delivered in Cherry Hill a few years back. I'm just saying. But seriously Sparano needs to shave that fucking mustache. The Hitler/pedophile look is so 1970's buddy. If there was a Hall of Fame for jerk off mustaches Sparano would be the president of the fraternity with Dave Wannstedt as his VP. And we all know how Wanny fared in Miami with that hairy follicle lip. I'm just saying.

TOM BRADY MANCRUSH

I'm sorry but if I was gay I could never date Tom Brady. He went to Michigan and has an asshole for a chin. But yeah, the Giselle-look-alike in this video might be better than the real thing. As far as I can see she doesn't have an adam's apple either.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S

I worked at a restaurant in Maryland for two weeks while I was broke in college, it looked a lot like this except worse...

Dude, was that MTV VJ Simon Rex saying "tastes like dookie, you got any blow?" Hell yeah it was. The Rex Effect is still alive.

JEFF FRANCOEUR HATES HARRY POTTER

Athletes get a lot of flack from people whether it be their political views or issues with banging pop stars and then losing NFL playoff games. But a guy like Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur is the closest thing to being a God in Atlanta. Think of him as being the opposite of Michael Vick. The kid is like an Eagle Scout who hits walk-off grand slams(I witnessed it in person) and has enough time in his day to smile to his fans while not flipping them off and help out others whether it be charity causes or signing autographs. With that being said I've always thought you could judge a person's character by the movies they enjoy watching. Considering I got a degree in film (yes, I got a degree watching 4 years of films) I tend to value film more than say a guy who majored in political science or engineering. That being said Francoeur has my same idealistic views on recent films he has seen:

1. "The Kingdom." Jeff: "It was OK. I like war movies, but there's nothing like 'Braveheart' anymore."

2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." Catie: "I read all the books, and the movies don't have it." Jeff: "It [stinks]."

3. "American Gangster." Jeff "I like those kind of movies."

4. "SuperBad." Jeff: "I think it's hilarious." Catie: "Please don't say we watched that."

5. "Eastern Promises." Jeff "I hope it's good. That's what we're watching tonight."

If Francoeur would have said he loved "Harry Potter" and couldn't wait to see what happened I would have called him a candy ass who loves to take bubble baths. Thankfully he didn't. The fact that he acknowledges "Braveheart" as the best war film of all-time further establishes his good standing with me and grants him good standing in the man card department. Nothing will ever match "Braveheart"! Don't even try to make an argument because you are wrong already. I also give Francoeur props for voicing his love and admiration for a comedy like "SuperBad" even though his wife Catie is clearly embarrassed by her admission of viewing it.

No matter how great of a spouse you have never lose your opinion or your voice in fears of being reprimanded. I believe Pacman Jones uttered those words once while punching a stripper. Anyways I salute Francoeur for saying "Harry Potter" sucked and that any guy over the age of 18 who willfully or not admits they love the film should be castrated and shipped to Canada where they belong.

CARL FROM ADULTSWIM.COM

I fucking love this guy...

"My Jessica Simpson wig...worked like a freaking charm man!"

TERRELL OWENS CRYING: PRICELESS

Owens finally found his one true love and his name is Tony Homo...umm, Romo. I'm not a huge NFL fan but I love the drama in the game with how quickly players can be cut and lose their salary, the injuries, the crazy owners, the confused coaches, and of course high strung emotional players like Terrell Owens. He looks like he is auditioning for a part for "Jerry McGuire 2". TO let me help you. Go get some therapy or do some pushups in your driveway. Honestly I love seeing players get emotional but I don't know if I buy it from him. This guy has thrown more teammates and QB's under the bus during his career than Urban Meyer lies to recruits in order to get them to Florida.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

OVECHKIN NOW KING OF NHL SALARY

The Washington Capitals signed superstar Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year, $124 million dollar contract making him the richest NHL player ever.

I've seen Ovechkin play in person three times against the Thrashers and also have seen Sidney Crosby a couple of times in person and I honestly think Ovechkin is the better player. The kid is sick with the puck and has the ability to score 700 plus goals over his career. So I guess the question remains if he can be as marketable as a Crosby.

No.

Unfortunately for Ovechkin the kid has the Russian curse of butt nasty cro-magnon face disorder. It shouldn't matter but it does in marketing. The face is what sells as much as the game. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect to see Ovechkin in any Jockey briefs. Actually thank God for that one. Teenage girls don't swoon over ugly Russian dudes but they do love their Tom Brady. But it shouldn't matter anyways. The kid is already a great player. Maybe the best in the league and I congratulate him and would love for him to be the spokes model for Sportscrack. I can pay in Stoli Alexander. Maybe even "hook you up" with the FUSC girl.

SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THERE IS A CHANCE

ESPN's Len Pasquarelli is reporting the flirtation between USC head coach Pete Carroll and Atlanta Falcon's owner Arthur Blank is reciprocal at this point despite some reports of Carroll uninterested.

In fact, on Thursday, Carroll was still in contact with coaches who likely would be assistants on his staff if he was offered and accepted the job here.

Carroll had yet to apprise the Falcons of that as of late Thursday night. Team officials still believed there was a chance Carroll would consider the job and a source close to the USC coach acknowledged late Thursday that, while he would probably remain with the Trojans, the Falcons' flirtation "is not quite a dead issue yet."

As the saying goes "where there is smoke there must be fire" and the fact that Carroll hasn't come out already saying he has no interest in the job must mean he is really intrigued by what Blank is offering. There also has to be another side to this story because let's be completely honest: The Falcons are a fucking mess right now. Either Carroll wants the challenge of rebuilding a team much like he did in Southern Cal or the money Blank is throwing at him is ridiculous($8-10 million a year is my guess) or Carroll knows the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan with NCAA sanctions coming down with the Reggie Bush investigation.

The good thing about the NFL is you can turn around a team pretty quickly because of the strict salary cap set in place. The Falcons may be horrible right now but I'm sure Carroll knows you are always a couple of players away from contending for the playoffs especially in the weak NFC. I mean look at what the Green Bay Packers are doing this season. No one in their right mind thought Brett Favre and company would win 13 games this season but all it took was a Pro Bowl season from himself and RB Ryan Grant emerging from the ashes of undrafted NFL free agency plus some good coaching by Mike Mularkey and instantly in one season they are a serious NFC Title contender.

I still don't believe Carroll will take the job unless Blank offers him a shit load of money with executive powers. As of this moment it looks like Blank is trying to find a GM to work with the coach so I doubt Carroll would be intrigued with that scenario. But as we all know coaching is a weird business especially the last couple of years where a coach has left a great job because they get antsy and want to prove to themselves and everybody else they can win no matter where they go.

If Carroll doesn't come out soon and say he has no interest in the job expect him to be looking at it real closely. If this is the case expect some serious doubt in USC current recruiting class as to whether USC would be the best place to play especially with Carroll departing and NCAA sanctions looming.

THE MOST DISTURBING TRAILER

Apparently the girl from "The Lord of the Rings" has teeth down there. I'm not sure who green lighted this movie but they obviously need to be drug out into Times Square and given a public execution. This is sick man! After watching it I'm not going to lie, I felt like burning all my clothes while crying and telling myself everything is going to be okay while sucking my thumb. I just want to get the visual out of my head before I become a born again virgin Christian.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

TARNISHED HEISMAN

Adam Rose of the LA Times got a review copy of the new Reggie Bush book called "Tarnished Heisman" which is set for release on January 15th. There are some interesting nuggets in the book including this info which was provided to Rose:

Back on the negative side for USC fans, the book's accounting says $47,000 went directly to Bush out of the overall $291,000 that went to his family. That makes it hard to deny he knew what was going on. While the photo section lacks any photocopied receipts, bank statements, or otherwise, the Author's Note says that a website will publish much of it. As of this blog post the site (www.tarnishedheisman.com) has not gone live.

It should be interesting to see what if anything comes out of this whole situation. It makes me wonder how much Pete Carroll and his staff knew at the time about the whole Bush situation. Even though it is impossible to know everything about all your players I think it is safe to presume USC officials and their compliance office had to have some idea or knowledge of these rule violations happening around one of their star players at the time.

I think it became even more painfully obvious when USC denied Bush credentials to the Rose Bowl last season. USC is going to try to distance themselves away from Bush as much as possible especially now with what appears to be a credible hard copy book being released by noted publisher Pocket Books and written by former Sports Illustrated's editor and investigative reporter Don Yaeger.

I'm not sure if the Heisman committee would strip Bush of his trophy even if he is guilty. There has been no precedence in a case like this and Bush could continue to deny the allegations ala Clemens and Bonds without facing any real sanctions from the NCAA because of one rogue agent who obviously preyed on a college athlete and his family.

But then again what is the point of having rules and regulations if the NCAA doesn't enforce them? Maybe we should ask Miles Brand.

MALLETT, MANNINGHAM AND ARRINGTON LEAVING MICHIGAN

Well it's become painfully clear for Michigan fans new head coach Rich Rodriguez is completely starting with a new slate of personnel in his coaching staff and now his student-athletes. I put student in there because it's a fun word. We all know Michigan doesn't educate their "students". Just ask former Wolverine QB Jim Harbaugh.

The new Rodriguez regime has now pushed out their two best receivers in Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington out of Ann Arbor and into future NFL $$$ while also leaving the roster without a quarterback with any game action with the transfer of freshman Ryan Mallett who will become a star in the right system. In fact Rodriguez more than welcomed the departure of Mallett with a nice little parting shot:

"I don't care," Rodriguez said. "He's not playing for Michigan. I'm concerned with who's playing for Michigan."

Dick Rod's message to Mallett was also a clear message to prep phenom and Michigan's #1 target QB Terrelle Pryor he wants him really badly. If you don't observe Urban Meyer's tactics you would know right now is a dead period in recruiting and thus coaches can not contact recruits. But Dick Rod's message of "he's not playing for Michigan" is aimed directly to Pryor's ears and essentially means this: GET ON BOARD NOW BEFORE MICHIGAN IS TOTALLY FUCKED!

If Michigan doesn't get Pryor then red shirt freshman David Cone will be the starter next season. In other words the atmosphere around Ann Arbor's campus during game days would not be pleasant. Anarchy would be one of the first words that comes to mind with Cone(not the jormer Blue Jay) as the starter next season. You thought Notre Dame football was bad well next season could potentially be worse for Michigan with all the losses of star players(Henne, Mallett, Hart, Manningham, Arrington, Long, Kraus, Crable, Graham, and Adams). I predicted earlier that the hiring of Rodriguez by Michigan just seems like a marriage of hell. If Pryor decides to go to Ohio State we might have an annulment in Ann Arbor.

FALCONS AND BLANK WILL NEVER LEARN

Several media outlets, I mean real media not blog stuff, are reporting Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is pursuing USC head coach Pete Carroll and all I can say is why? Why would Pete Carroll leave beautiful Southern Cal where his team is stacked with talent both on the field and off to go to Atlanta where the Falcons are a complete mess? I guess I can't blame Blank for shooting for the proverbial stars of coaching but did he not already learn from the mistake of hiring Bobby Petrino? College coaches rarely cut it as head coaches in the NFL. Steve Spurrier was a huge embarrassing failure. Carroll has already been a failure on the pro level even if it was just a few seasons with the New England Patriots. Carroll is meant to be a college coach. His goofy fake laid back style works in Southern Cal but I'm sure it wouldn't last in the NFL level.

By the way what happened to Blank hiring a new GM? Shouldn't he be more focused on getting a GM to replace the crap Rich McKay brought in over the years so the GM can make the call on the new coach? I know owners get the final say of who is hired but the GM's job is to find the head coach and if they are still using McKay to find one then Blank is a bigger idiot then I previously thought.

Listen Blank, you are wasting your time trying to talk to Carroll. He turned down overtures from the Miami Dolphins and the Oakland Raiders in the past, there is no reason for him to look at the Atlanta job as any more lucrative or attractive than those two jobs. Go find a good upcoming NFL assistant such as Rex Ryan or Mike Singletary and offer them the job.

Please stop wasting your time and my time with these blindfolded chances that will only leave you with more egg on your face.

NO KOVY IN THE NHL ALL-STAR GAME

I find it hard to believe that the Thrashers Ilya Kovalchuk, the NHL's leading goal scorer and probably it's MVP in the first half did not garner enough votes to be named starter for the East Conference.

Kovalchuk, who finished sixth in Eastern Conference voting with 173,629 votes, leads the NHL with 34 goals and is third in points with 59.

6TH PLACE! Either the Canadians really fucked him over or his own fans in Atlanta simply weren't paying attention to the ballot when they punched their choice. Oh wait, I am one of those fans. In fact I own two authentic Kovy jerseys and routinely lose my voice every time I watch the Thrashers play. But I voted for the guy because I thought he deserved the recognition. The only way a NHL player gets recognition is if they are banging Elisha Cuthbert or some other starlet these days.

The worst part is the All-Star game is in Atlanta this year. Other leagues would have rigged the voting to make sure their host city is represented in the starting lineup but of course Gary Bettman missed out on the whole marketing strategy for this year's game.

Anyways, Kovy is an All-Star starter in my heart. And yes, I have a serious man crush on the guy. He has carried the Thrashers on his back in the first half.

MORE ROGER CLEMENS RUMBLINGS
Yesterday's press conference of Roger Clemen's taped cell phone conversation with Brian McNamee was pretty funny. Not only did Clemens make himself look like more of a jackass liar but he kind of came off as an insensitive prick who only cares about himself but claims he doesn't. His lies are becoming comedy. And now he insists he doesn't care about the Hall of Fame or never did. Sure Roger, Cooperstown doesn't matter despite all the wins and the K's and everybody kissing your ass for so long and now it has stopped. Sure your lies got you millions of dollars and poon in 31 different major league cities but remember lies and deception will always come back to haunt you.

Just ask this guy...
Remember Clemens, cheating only cheats yourself while killing you inside.

CONGRATS TO THE GOOSE
"THE GOOSE" living up to the nickname with the ladies.
Today Goose Gossage became just the 5th reliever in MLB history to be elected to the Hall of Fame. He goes down in history with one of the best porn mustaches of all-time and that alone deserves recognition. He received a staggering 86 percent of votes in this his 9th year up for election. Ironically he played for nine different teams in his 22 seasons and keeping on with the 9 theme he also made 9 All-Star teams. His best years pitching came with the New York Yankees and San Diego Padres, which is German for whale's vagina. This beer is to you Mr. Goose Hall of Fame mustache guy.

And all of you mother fuckers with a pen should stop with the negative bull shit, got that mother fuckers...

I know what you mean Goose, I'm an asshole!

2008 TOP 25
I know, I know, we just finished off the 2007 season and already I am craving college football to come back. It's pathetic but I figured I would write down my top 25 teams going into next season. I'm the same person who hates preseason rankings because I think they shouldn't be allowed so take this for what it is worth...shit! Feel free to comment below or campaign for your team to be rated higher.


1. Georgia Bulldogs-The Bulldogs return a ton of firepower on offense led by QB Matthew Stafford and RB Knowshon Moreno. The defense should be one of the nation's best and look out for incoming freshman WR AJ Green. I smell an Arrelious Benn-type impact if not better from Green.

2. LSU Tigers-The Bayou Bengals are loaded with talent from top to bottom. This is probably a bit high in terms of rankings considering teams that win a BCS Championship usually take a year the next year off but QB Ryan Perrilloux should step in fine for departed senior Matt Flynn.

3. Missouri Tigers-If Tony Temple comes back this team stays in their current ranking. If Temple leaves I drop them around the 10 mark. Chase Daniel and Jeremy Maclin are two big reasons why Mizzou will again be contenders for a NC next season.

4. USC Trojans-Mark Sanchez should win the starting nod over Mitch Mustain and I believe he will be a better college QB than departed JD Booty. With that being said USC still lost to Stanford this past season and their prestige and invincibility has worn off. The early season match up with Ohio State could be the game of the year.

5. Texas Longhorns-The Longhorns are a weird team. On paper they should be one of the best in the nation with a ton of starters coming back including a ton of superb subs replacing guys. But Mack Brown's has lost a few games the past two seasons they had no reason to lose(example: A&M both times) so I wonder if this team can find it's way back to a Big 12 Championship game. Colt McCoy will decide in 2008.

6. Oklahoma Sooners-I was leaning heavily with the Sooners as my #1 team going into next season and they totally wet the bed against West Virginia in the Fiesta Bowl. Again. The Sooners will be stacked with studs including the return of RB Demarco Murray and should be able to put up the points. The question remains if they can stop anybody next season on defense.

7. Ohio State Buckeyes-After getting stomped the last two seasons in the BCS Championship game against SEC opponents they should be thankful they are not in a tougher conference. They will still be the overwhelming favorite out of the Big Ten next year.

8. Florida Gators-Until they find a defense this team will only be the 3rd-4th best team in the SEC. Tim Tebow will be back and carry the Gators again, but they need to find some players on D and losing Derrick Harvey early doesn't help.

9. Kansas Jayhawks-The Jayhawks could be in for a let down after a great season because they have to play some tough teams next season. They have to travel to South Florida and Oklahoma and finish off the season with back-to-back tilts against Texas and Missouri.

10. Texas Tech-Stop laughing. The Red Raiders return 20 starters and remember they did beat Oklahoma this season. QB Graham Harrell and WR Michael Crabtree will be leading an explosive Red Raiders offense.

11. Clemson Tigers-I know it's Clemson and they are always good for 3-5 losses a season under Tommy Bowden but one of these years they have to break through. Guys? Right? CJ Spiller and Cullen Harper are back and if James Davis decides to return they are the best team in the weak ACC next season.

12. West Virginia Mountaineers-Maybe a tad low here with the preseason ranking but I have a feeling a first year coach isn't going to lead them to a top ten finish. Pat White and Noel Devine are two of my favorite players to watch so they will be exciting next season.

13. Arizona State SunDevils-They should be the second best team in the PAC-10 with Rudy Carpenter back. Actually the PAC-10 looks pretty weak on paper next season so don't be surprised if they finish top 10. The Georgia and USC games should be very interesting.

14. Wisconsin Badgers-The Badgers will continue to beat shitty competition in the Big Ten. I really hate watching the Badgers play football. It's like watching your grandpa take a leak. Long and depressing.

15. Boise State Broncos-The Broncos should be the non-BCS darlings next season with lan Johnson back at RB.

16. Penn State Nittany Lions-Losing QB Anthony Morelli is addition by subtraction for JoePA. Maybe WR Derrick Williams finally lives up to the hype coming out of high school as the #1 prep recruit.

17. Wake Forest Deamon Deacons-Jim Grobe can flat out coach and I believe he will have the Deamon Deacons again competing for an ACC Championship in 2008 with QB Riley Skinner returning.

18. Alabama Crimson Tide-JP Wilson is back, Nick Saban is bringing in recruits, and the Tide faithful are as hungry and insane as ever. The Tide should be a top 20 team with the talent they have. No questions asked.

19. Auburn Tigers-QB Kodi Burns looks like he could be a potential superstar next season. I should probably have the Tigers higher ranked but I think losing DC Will Muschamp to Texas will hurt some what.

20. Illinois Fightin Illini-Losing Rashard Mendenhall immediately wipes out any chance of the Fightin Zooks competing for the Big Ten title. They still should win 8-10 games with the players they have coming back.

21. BYU Cougars-Mormons rock in 2008.

22. Tennessee Volunteers-Phil Fulmer is usually always good for at least 9 wins which is really saying something playing in the SEC.

23. Notre Dame Fighting Irish-The Irish return a ton of top notch young talent and have a much more favorable schedule in 2008. Jimmy Clausen should have a good season behind a much improved offensive line. Watch out for incoming freshman WR Michael Floyd, he could become a favorite target early on in the season. Anything less than 9 wins should be a disappointment for Irish fans with the schedule they play.

24. Miami Hurricanes-Same with the Irish, Miami returns a lot of young premiere talent and play in a weak conference. I think they could finally send off FSU's Bowden to retirement if they blow them out this season.

25. Virginia Cavaliers-I will be the first one to admit I was wrong about UVA. They showed up in 2007 and they have a lot of promise going into 2008.

JUST MISSED THE CUT: Virginia Tech, Oregon, Oregon State, Cal, Michigan, South Florida

JOE GIBBS RETIRES AGAIN
Well, that was quick. So much for "the return to glory under the leadership of Joe Gibbs" talk which took over the DC area four years ago when owner Daniel Snyder brought back the legendary coach. Gibbs has decided to step down:

Gibbs went 31-36, including 1-2 in the playoffs, after emerging from NFL retirement and his NASCAR career to sign a five-year, $27.5 million contract in 2004. He had always maintained he intended to fulfill the contract, but the 67-year-old coach wavered from that stance Monday when asked if he would return for the final year of his deal.

Gibbs' retirement brings an apparent end to a coaching career in which he twice raised the Redskins from mediocrity into a playoff team, although he failed in his goal of bringing the team back to the Super Bowl during his second stint in Washington.

It's hard for a coach to come back to the NFL after they have been out of the game for so long as Gibbs can contest. The Redskins had a rocky season due in part to the unfortunate death of safety Sean Taylor who was probably their most talented player. No reason to feel sorry for Gibbs though, he racked up over $20 million dollars of coin in his pocket the past 4 years while making the playoffs twice. I'm sure the good old boy at heart is ready to get back to sponsoring rednecks racing in circles at the ripe old age of 67. I wish him well, he seems like a really good guy.

So who will be the next coach in Washington? No idea here. Maybe Snyder will again try to grab somebody from the college ranks like Pete Carroll or Urban Meyer. I'm sure there are some hot shot NFL assistants out there waiting to get their chance too. Supposedly Redskin's assistant Gregg Williams is the leading guy according to ESPN's Chris Mortensen(take it with a grain of salt, Mortensen has whiffed more times than Adam Dunn this season with insider news).

URBAN MEYER TOLD ME..
He could make one phone call a week and still get away with clear NCAA violations with contacting recruits during the dead period. Here is the clip courtesy of Awful Announcing...

So who do you think he was on the phone with? I think he might have been on the phone with Terrelle Pryor telling him he is going to move Tebow to linebacker or maybe he was talking to Omar Hunter and how he will start right away at DT.

The Legend of Urban Liar continues to grow...