SMOLTZIE GOING FOR 3000 K

When Atlanta Braves ace John Smoltz takes the mound tonight against the Washington Nationals he will be looking to join the exclusive 3000 career strikeout club that only 15 other pitchers can claim membership. Needing just 4 K's tonight to reach the milestone, Smoltz pretty much will stamp himself a one-way ticket to Cooperstown once he reaches 3000(the only one not in the Hall with 3000 career K's is Bert Blyleven).

In fact did you know the 3000 K club is more elusive over a career than 300 victories(23), 500 homeruns(23), and 3000 hits(27)? Smoltz is one of the most underrated power pitchers of his era. Maybe he was cast in the shadow of Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine for all those years but if you had a choice for a guy to be your starter for a pivotal game series clincher who would you want? I would take Smoltz without blinking an eye.

His post season pitching record is 15-4 with a 2.70 ERA. Smoltzie split-finger fastball and slider made him a great closer for 3 seasons(NL record 144 saves during that period) and yet he was still able to come back and pitch over 200 innings and record double digit victories while keeping an ERA in the low to mid 3's each season in his late 30's.

In layman's turn: Smoltzie is a beast.

Smoltz is also a great teammate who decided to stick with the Atlanta Braves organization when so many others left for more money(Tom Glavine for example). I know it sounds like a cliche but not many players play for one organization their whole career. The fact that Smoltz sacrificed his spot in the rotation to become a closer for the good of the team shows how great of a teammate he was. Of course Smoltz always knew he was a starter but never complained openly to the media and kept it behind close doors when he knew he should be back in the rotation. The Braves handled it with class and so did Smoltz when so many players and organizations are so quick to cut ties when things don't go right.

Smoltzie recorded his first K by smoking a high fastball past Darryl Strawberry 20 years ago at Atlanta Fulton County Stadium. Tonight I will stand and applaud him as he reaches another milestone in his Hall of Fame career against the Nationals at Turner Field. When he fools another hitter for his 3000th K I expect the crowd to roar and give him a standing ovation. The Commissioner Bud Selig should stumble up the mound with presumably a horrible speech and a handshake. Bobby Cox should pat him on his bald head and tell him one more time: "Good job Kid!"

John Andrew Smoltz affectionately known by teammates as Smoltzie, the future Hall of Famer, has earned and deserves it.

JESSICA SIMPSON TAKES IT FROM A SMURF

The pictures above clearly show Jessica Simpson has been cheating on Tony Romo with a freaking Smurf. I wonder which one she banged? Maybe she hit up the whole crew. You know it's only a matter of time before she gets some of the Terrell Owen's action on after seeing his guest appearance on BangBros. When asked about the secret vacation Owens and Jessica took together, Owens did not take it too well...



Pictures courtesy of D Magazine

MARV ALBERT CRANKS THAT SOULJA BOY

Those guys at TNT are pretty creative. Personally I would have made it a little more embarrassing for Albert. Put him in some chaps. Whip him with a leather belt. Maybe put a ball gag in his mouth and have a donkey lick peanut butter off of him. Oh yeah...nevermind.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

GREG ODEN DIGS MCLOVIN, CHEAP WINE, AND PENN STATE?

These pictures come courtesy of The Big Lead which shows America's favorite non-playing Big Man drinking some of the finest Franzia wine at a house party on the campus of Penn State.

Holy shit! Don't these people even know Oden just played for Ohio State and deserves to be called a "faggot" for even deciding to attend Bucknut University? I thought if you attended State Penn you were no longer allowed to associate with anybody who even remotely identifies themselves with the Scarlet and Gray. These Nittany Lions are clearly impostors.

To be honest I'm really disappointed in Oden for this tame picture. NBA rookies, especially the #1 overall pick, should be doing lines off stripper's asses and making it rain. This frat boy shit with cheap wine is rather pathetic. In my world that is just another Sunday morning bible study class.

And where are the dead hookers?

THESE FANATICAL DOUCHEBAGS REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER

You remember those days when you would go to the zoo or park and see a couple of four legged freaks go at it and you would ask your Mommy: "Why are they fighting?"

And what would your Mommy say?

Of course she would say they are not fighting, it's just their way of showing their love for one another by ripping each other apart and rubbing fat men's tits while shouting "Red Sox suck!" See this is why I never want to hear a Yankee or Red Sox fan make fun of another team's fan. They will claim their passionate but everybody else with a functional frontal lobe of the brain knows that these people are really just psychotic douchebags.

I mean you can just see the sexual tension between these two fan bases. They really just need to fuck and get it over with already.

And if you are wondering why I posted this video it is simple: this rivalry obviously needs more publicity and exposure. I'm so sick of ESPN talking about the sweep of the Dodgers by the Braves(I was there yesterday, no fights but I did see a 60 year old man with a hilarious 80's rat tail) and can we please stop incessant talk and blabbering about the Western divisions in both leagues? I mean if I have to hear another story about Ichiro and Vladimir and how if they made love they would form the perfect beast of a ballplayer or hear about another Giants fans spitting on an A's fans because they live across the Bay with the "colored folks" I swear on Willie May's grave I will turn off the television. We need more Northeast coverage people!

Video HT: WithLeather via Busted Coverage via Deadspin

DEREK FISHER ISN'T A CARMELO FAN

What does the basketball say to the face? SLAP! The NBA Playoffs have kicked off and besides the Sixers beating the Pistons everything seems to be going as planned. The Lakers beat the shit out of the Nuggets with AI getting ejected and Laker fans showing their admiration and love for Carmelo while chanting "DUI, DUI, DUI." The Boston Celtics worked the pathetic Atlanta Hawks last night and Chris Paul showed why maybe he is the MVP after all by personally destroying the Dallas Mavericks in the second half. Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobli survived the Suns in overtime thanks to some huge shots from both and the Jazz showed why they love their home court Mormon advantage by pasting the Rockets.

I'm still sticking with my original prediction of Spurs over the Celtics in the Finals but I must admit the Lakers look really good. And I heard Kobe isn't raping anybody when he goes back to Colorado so he shouldn't be a distraction. And don't judge Kobe for his past trangressions in the Rocky Mountain High State. At least he isn't a car fucker...although that clip of him jumping over a car might have just been foreplay.

KIDS IN THE HALL SKETCH: CAR F@#KERS

It's been way too long since I've seen these 5 guys back together doing actual comedy. The Kids in the Hall was some of the funniest shit on Comedy Central back in the 90's and if you have never seen their underground hit movie "Brain Candy" I would highly recommmend it. Some of the greatest one-liners to ever hit the big screen are in "Brain Candy" and I believe I watched the film about 100 times in college. And no, it's not a stoner's movie, but it might help a little bit if you toke some beforehand. Just kidding, meth should do the job.

IRISH LAND CIERRE WOOD, TOP BACK IN THE NATION

Notre Dame started their spring scrimmage off right today by securing the commitment of prep RB Cierre Wood, the #3 rated overall player in the country and the top RB in the nation. Wood is out of Oxnard(CA) Santa Clara HS and is a tremendous steal out of Trojan and Bruin country. A fluid back, Wood should get the ball rolling for the Irish in terms of recruiting. He is the highest rated RB to commit to the Irish since Charlie Weis took over and with his solid commitment in hand it should get other recruits to take notice. Here is a list of other top prepsters who are visiting this weekend in South Bend courtesy of DomerDomain.com...

ATH E.J. Banks - offered
RB DJ ADAMS - offered
ILB Jordan Barrett - offered
OG Alex Bullard - interested
FB Daniel Drummond - interested
TE Tyler Eifert - interested
TE Jake Golic - committed
S DeVonte Holloman - offered
DE Anthony LaLota - interested
OT Sam Longo - interested
DE Craig Roh - offered
DT Tyler Stockton - offered
RB Cierre Wood - committed

The key for the Irish this weekend is going to be making some big inroads with a lot of the defensive players especially the linebackers and defensive linemen. The Irish will always be able to land quality offensive talents with Weis at the helm but they need to continue to steal some defensive talent now with Jon Tenuta in the Blue and Gold.

Here are some YouTube highlights of Cierre Wood...




UPDATE: The Irish also landed the commitment of Tyler Stockton this past weekend. Stockton is a beast of a defensive lineman who is eerily similar in stature, technique, and downright nastiness to some guy who switched commitments last year to play for the Urban Liar. I forgot his name already.

CHARLES BARKLEY WOULD HAVE SLAPPED THE HELL OUT OF ESPN

How can you not love Sir Charles Barkley? He speaks his mind, often hilariously, and tells everybody exactly how it works to a degree. He is not afraid to throw punches and I'm loving the fact he has the balls to speak about how shoddy ESPN has become. This clip is from The Dan Patrick Show regarding the recent ambush of Miguel Tejada by ESPN: 60....

I just wish somebody with enough money and cajones would start a competing sports network to battle ESPN. Steal their best talents (Scott Van Pelt, Erin Andrews, Kirk Herbstreit, Buster Olney among others) and rob them of their college football and basketball coverage and strike a deal with MLB to carry a ton of their games and ESPN would quickly erode faster than a boner in front of Rosie O'donnell.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

MIGUEL TEJADA CAUGHT LYING

Honestly I don't know how I feel about the video. One part of me hates ESPN for being the dick they are and entrapping Miguel Tejada with proof they already knew he would lie about. This was never breaking journalistic news because everybody with a functional brain knows the Dominicans lie about their age. I wonder why they didn't have Peter Gammons(Red Sox cocksucker) or Buster Olney(an actual great baseball mind unlike Gammons in my view) ask the tought questions to Tejada? Why? Because ESPN is full of vaginas. But in this instance they look more like the dick and the asshole more than the pussy. Because we all know there is three things in life Chuck: dicks, assholes, and pussys. And clearly ESPN is all of them. If they want to be fair and balanced with this garbage they should talk to more Latinos like David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Bobby Abreu, Robinson Cano, and other Red Sox and Yankees players about their age before they pull this shit with Tejada. But they won't because 90% of ESPN is full of those bandwagon cockbags.

I almost feel bad for Tejada before I realize he is caught in the lie. Similar to NBC's To Catch a Predator minus the actual breaking the law and being moralistically wrong, Tejada lied about his age. Big fucking deal. Women lie about their age all the time. All this interview does is make ESPN look like some sort of TMZ minus the integrity.

Yes, TMZ minus the integrity is what ESPN is these days. Sad isn't it? It's the reason why ESPN leads off with Yankees-Red Sox news and how Matt Ryan is the greatest QB to come out in the NFL draft since Peyton Manning. National sports coverage deserves more than the recycled regionalized bullshit that is ESPN. We want real coverage, coast to coast. We know Tejada lied about his age and we really don't care. We want to hear about how the Arizona Diamondback's Justin Upton might be the best 20 year old to play in the major leagues since God know who and not about some BS story about a fucking jersey being cemented under a rival's new stadium.

We don't give a rat's ass about the New York Knicks more than we do the Atlanta Hawks so why make news about the Knicks firing Isiah Thomas? Nobody gives a shit about the Knicks outside of New Yorkers themselves more than they care about the Hawks still sucking balls and making the playoffs out of the Big East conference known as the Eastern Conference of the NBA. Let's talk about how amazing the Kansas City Royals young pitching staff is becoming or how good the National League West is going to be this year and for one minute not talk about something on the East Coast.

As those marketing geniuses did at Nike I want you to Just do it ESPN. Give us serious discussion on the rivalry between the Cubs and Cardinals and the Dodgers and Giants. They are as relative to baseball as those other two teams you love to cover in baseball. I want good journalism and not TMZ. I want Tejada to hit homeruns and lie about his age because they really don't matter. I want ESPN to be honest about Matt Ryan and see him nothing more than the next Ken Dorsey or David Greene.

And for God's sake I want more Erin Andrews and less of Holly Rowe.

BEST BASEBALL NICKNAMES

Sports and Rants has their list of the top nicknames in baseball today and I think The Hammerin Hebrew has to be the best one by far. Ryan Braun is a great young slugger who can't field worth a lick and if there is one name that can make Milwaukee people cream in their oversized pants besides Milwaukee's Best it has to be Hammerin Hebrew.

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

I love bananas.

GREATEST BASEBALL SLIDE OF ALL TIME?

Make sure you watch both camera angles on this incredible slide/jump over the catcher. Pretty impressive for a white kid.

TYPICAL NEW YORK YANKEES FAN

Let me take a wild guess here with this typical Yankees fan. First name is either Anthony or Junior. Born, raised, and still lives in New Jersey but claims to be from New York. Drinks more apple martinis than actual beer. Loud and rude while hanging with his buds. Thinks a solid relationship is making out with $5 Jersey whores. Jerks off while crying to "When a man loves a woman." Thinks Derek Jeter is the best shortstop ever and quite possibly the best baseball player ever not named Babe Ruth.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

DERRICK ROSE PRESS CONFERENCE CALLED OFF BECAUSE OF FIGHT?

According to Gary Parrish of CBS Sportsline there was a reason why the Memphis Tigers Athletic Program did not hold a press conference for freshman sensation Derrick Rose to announce his early entry into the NBA Draft: he got in a fight with a football player over a girl.

Other than alcohol I would say the number one cause of fighting between college aged males is always women. Just watch an episode of Real World and see how long it takes till two dudes are scrapping over some barfly in a short skirt. I guess we can't blame Rose for this because he is young and naive like all of us either were or still are as in my case. But you know we will hear an endless amount of chatter from dipshit-know-nothings like Skip Bayless and Todd McShay how this will ruin his draft stock and could wind up costing him millions.

Bullshit is what most people call Bayless' and McShay's words of wisdom. I call it typical ESPN garbage. Anyways, we know the only girl that will cost Rose future millions will be his first wife. It's money in the bag for whomever gets a diamond ring from Rose.

MIGUEL TEJADA LIED ABOUT AGE

Shocking isn't it? Okay, maybe not, but today Houston Astros SS Miguel Tejada confirmed what everybody already knew in that he is older than his listed age of 31. Of course he still might be under estimating his actual age of 33 if you ask baseball scouts.

Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada has told the team he's actually 33, two years older than he's listed in the club's media guide and other baseball records.

Tejada, saying he wanted rid himself of a burden, approached general manager Ed Wade and asked to correct misinformation he gave the Oakland A's when he signed in 1993, the Houston Chronicle reported on its Web site Thursday.

Miggy says he wanted to "rid himself of the burden" of having lied about his age when he came to the States as a teenager to Astros GM Ed Wade. So now the question remains of what else will Miggy reveal as some untruths he has told in the past?

Maybe he did sabotage Rafael Palmeiro after all with those tainted B-12 injections.

Maybe he was on steroids after all even though he still denies ever using the stuff.

Maybe he did tank his overall effort and attitude while playing in Baltimore under the dark curse of Peter Angelos's disgusting snauser even though he maintained his attitude and energy levels remained the same despite the losing.

Maybe he is Julio Franco's long lost twin.

THE NBA CAUSES CONCUSSIONS

We have finally reached the end of the NBA regular season and now get thrust ed into it's second season: The Playoffs. In other words we still have another six exciting weeks till we reach the Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and Boston Celtics. Going out on another limb, I'm going to say the Spurs win yet another Championship securing their place as a NBA Dynasty.

BARACKY: THE MOVIE

I still can't get over the fact that Obama bowled a pathetic 37 a few weeks back but this Rocky montage gets the hopes back up for all the Obama supporters out there. My buddy Andrew and his band BoatCar are playing at an Obama Rally this Saturday in Denver for his "Nation of Change" tour.

Translation for "Nation of Change": someone in the Oval office who actually speaks the English language correctly and doesn't get their grammar lessons from this here blog.

I got to give a little more pub for BoatCar, a self described "original mountain grown funky/jazzy/folky/jammy kinda band" without the heroin addiction and boils on the side of their necks. At least I don't think they are on heroin yet, give them a couple of years when they have really hit the big time. If you are in the Denver area check them out or if you are a promoter be sure to contact them, you won't be disappointed.

BoatCar Myspace Page



"The world would clearly be a better place with more bands like Boat Car."-God

DIRTY SANCHEZ NAMED USC STARTING QB

The mighty filthy USC Trojans named Mark "Dirty" Sanchez as their new starting QB heading into 2008. The ambiguously gay duo of Sanchez and Brian Cushing(pictured above) can now retreat to their completely paid off Hollywood flat (NCAA doesn't frown upon same sex couples in case you were wondering) where they will enjoy a solid spring of turkish mud wrestling while playing hop scotch in between Pete Carroll constant Facebook statements of "enjoying golf in this great southern Cal weather" which is clearly an attempt to land the next Tiger Woods and covert him into his 12th tailback.

Sanchez clearly needs a Sportscrack shirt made in his honor. Be on the lookout for a "Dirty Sanchez" shirt to make it's debut sometime this summer.

TAZER CHAIR

Good thing the dude wasn't looking at porn. That would have been really awkward.