NEW FDA WARNINGS ON ALCOHOL

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Reminds me of the time I went to the ballgame and tried to ignore the beer vendor...

JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY ESPN BLOWS
Scoop Jackson is a joke. Not a funny one. The one where somebody tells you it and you try to laugh but it just pisses you off more because you know it's not funny and it should never be told again. In his latest article he tells us why tennis is better than college football.

Okay, let that thought settle in your head for a little bit.

All I got to say is nope, sorry, no....

UMM, YEAH, I THINK MARK MANGINO IS A LITTLE TICKED OFF

I'm surprised he didn't bite him or at least grab him like he was the last turkey leg.

Via Deadspin

MEXICAN FOOD AND VIRGINIA TECH FOOTBALL DON'T MIX

I feel ya man, ya gotta lay off the cheese before refereeing a serious Hokie's game that was intended to help heal the Hokie's nation before they get destroyed by LSU this Saturday.

Sorry for being an asshole, but fart noises never get old.

Via Everydayshouldbesaturday

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

Yes, he is that good.

RANDOM JOKE
A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar. A tiny gay fellow sits beside him. After a few beers, the gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.

The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?”

“Dunno. Something about a job.”

—Kyle Hall
Albany, NY

THE JIMMY CLAUSEN ERA BEGINS

After Saturday's humiliating defeat to Georgia Tech, you knew it was only a matter of time before heralded freshman QB Jimmy Clausen got the nod. Today head coach Charlie Weis made it official: Clausen will start Saturday night in Happy Valley.

Reviewing the Irish performance, or lack of, against the Yellow Jackets I could only find a few bright spots. One was the secondary. I thought the collection of David Bruton, Tommy Zbikowski, Terrail Lambert, and Darrin Walls played as a whole the best for the Blue and Gold. Everyone else either didn't play up to preseason expectations or were completely overwhelmed by a good but certainly not great Georgia Tech squad.

The offensive line was atrocious and I think part of that was due to Weis' gameplan as well as the guys playing on the line. I can't fault Demetrius Jones with the loss because it was so painfully obvious what the play calls were going to be with him lined up behind center. Run, run, run. If I knew this you know Jon Tenuta and his defense could predicate on it. And then when you bring in Evan Sharpley and Clausen the calls were majority pass. While I know you need to pass a lot when you are getting blown out, it doesn't hurt to help develop young players such as RBs Armando Allen and Robert Hughes.

So anyways this brings me back to Clausen and the young Irish squad. This is a rebuilding year. Got that Charlie. Got that Notre Dame faithful. When you lose a four year starting quarterback who in my opinion was the best to ever line up behind center at Notre Dame then you obviously can't replace him right away. Throw in the fact the defensive line this year will go down as one of the worst in recent history because they are incredibly thin at the position and you can see a recipe for disaster on the football field. With that being said why not start the freshmen and sophomores?

Clausen should be the starter for the rest of the season. He is the most talented and is the future of the program. I hate to make comparisons but last year when Georgia was struggling they decided to give the job to freshman Matthew Stafford because he could learn better on the job rather than sitting on the bench. Clausen is in the same league as Stafford and I would much rather see the Irish develop as a team with a guy who will be the starter for 3-4 years down the road(unless prep QB Dayne Crist becomes the guy which wouldn't surprise me).

The same should be said with Armando Allen, Robert Hughes, and James Aldridge at the running back position. Let these young studs develop by giving them the majority of the carries. My blood pressure continues to boil everytime I see Travis Thomas and Asalph Schwapp get carries over the three younger, more talented players. As a fan I would rather see WR's Duval Kumara and Golden Tate catch the ball now from Clausen because I know in 2008 and 2009 those players are going to be special playing together because they developed during this "rebuilding" season.

Of course it probably won't matter this week against Penn State. Last year I attended the game up in Rock's House and saw the Irish completely destroy the Nittany Lions. This year I wouldn't be surprised if the complete opposite happens. I can cope with it as long as the freshmen and sophomores are learning on the job instead of watching 5th year seniors get unnecessary playing time.

Here is some video of Charlie explaining the QB situation from today...

COLLEGE FOOTBALL JOKE

An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”

SEC Poon: The Ultimate Recruiter
The fellas over at SECPoon have pointed out that Florida's Urban Meyer is using women to persuade superbad ass recruit LB Arthur Brown to the Swamp.

Wait a second, you are telling me Florida has more ass than Kansas where Brown is from? No way. Those Midwest chicks are well-fed no doubt but the more cushion for pushing the better right guys?

Guys? Hello guys? Oh fuck, who am I kidding? The reason why the SEC is god's gift to football is because of the poon.

GOD. BLESS. THE. POON.

ZACH SMITH GO BYE-BYE
Talk about getting knocked the fuck out...I feel for Smith because I have taken a hit like that. Not on the football field but by a cop when I told him to kiss my you know what. Yeah, for some reason cops don't like it when you talk to them like that, go figure.

The blood in your pee just means you tried really hard Zach.

AND SO IT BEGINS...

LETS. GET. IT. ON.

6 MORE HOURS!
I don't know if I have to take a shit or I'm just full of exuberiance about college football finally, and I mean FINALLY, kicking off. Oh wait, it's both...

RANDOM JOKE
A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old fisherman, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, “Hey old timer, why the long face?”
The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."


The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I ’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No,no. ”


The old man starts to cry again, “But you fuck one goat … ”

JOIN THE SPORTSCRACK COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM LEAGUE
So you think you know a lot about college football and who will win the games every Saturday when the players aren't banging their tutors? Well then prove it by joining the first ever Sportscrack College Football Pick Em contest over at Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

The winner each week gets a free Sportscrack shirt of their choice. Whether you choose to wear it or use it as a spank cleanup towel is your perogative.

Simply click on the link here and then click on the SIGN UP NOW icon under college football pick em.

The User ID # is 27510
The Password is sportscrack

Join now, it's free for Jenna's sake...

BIG 12 FOOTBALL PREVIEW
The Big 12 has been crapped on the last few years because they have only had two consistent heavyweights: Texas and Oklahoma. But this year should be different with Nebraska, Missouri (yes, I said Missouri), Texas A&M, and even Oklahoma State all having the ability to be top 20 teams this season. So let's take a look with some predictions.

THE ELITE TEAMS:

TEXAS LONGHORNS-The Longhorns are still the class of the conference despite losing their last 2 conference games last season due in large part to an injury to Colt McCoy. The Real McCoy is back with a full bill of health and ready to sling it to WR Limas Sweed and Billy Pittman (both who happen to be injury prone this summer but should start). Tight end Jermichael Finley has the talent and should have a breakout season for the Horns. Jamaal Charles might be the fastest back in the nation and should have a huge junior season which could be his last in Austin if he decides to bolt for the NFL.

The Longhorns front 7 on defense has more talent than the pool at the Playboy Mansion. Defensive tackle Frank Okam is one of the best in the nation and will be a first round draft pick next season. The Longhorns had one of the worst pass defense last year and will have to replace their defensive coordinator in Gene Chizik(more on him later). Now it's up to Duane Akina to earn his promotion and get his defense to win some games for a change.

I don't care if TCU is everybody's darling pick for a BCS Bowl this season, Texas should beat them rather handidly in the second week. The decisive game as always is the Red River Shootout on October 6th. Whoever wins that game wins the Big 12. Looking at the teams right now, Texas should win.

OKLAHOMA SOONERS-Redshirt freshman Sam Bradford won the starting QB job and will have plenty of talent in the backfield to hand the ball off. RB Demarco Murray is another redshirt freshman who could be the best back in the conference (take a deep breath Longhorn fans...good) when all is said and done. WR Malcolm Kelly is a force with his height and skill and should have another big season. It's going to be interesting to see how Bradford breaks in especially with the Hurricanes coming in to Norman the second week of the season.

The Sooners have talent in the front 7 but lack game time experience. The strength should be the secondary with 3 returning starters. CB Reggie Smith has All-American potential. Coach Bob Stoops knows the season will make or break depending on how well the front 7 plays on defense and I think DT Gerald McCoy will step up his game and have a big season to alleviate some worries.

The schedule includes Miami, Missouri, Oklahoma State, and Texas A&M all coming to Norman. Not brutal by any means but I wouldn't be surprised if the Sooners lost at least one of those games. Of course the Red River Shootout will determine the South division's representation in the Big 12 Championship game.

THE CONTENDERS:
NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS-Can Sam Keller lead this team? That will be the biggest question now as he has been named the starter after sitting out a year after transferring from Arizona State. Keller has skills but has never really had the
maturity (I know they are in college but some guys act older)to really lead a team. If he can take off his panties and put on his big boy pants and run Bill Callahan's bullshit West Coast offense good things could happen. RB Marlon Lucky is due to breakout if he can stay healthy. The receiving tandem of seniors Maurice Purify and Terrence Nunn have game breaking ability and should benefit by catching balls from Keller.

The Blackshirts defense is led by two outstanding linebackers in Corey McKeon and Bo Ruud. Losing Adam Carriker on the d-line is significant not only because he was a great player but because all 3 of his other linemen are also gone. A totally new front 4 will need to grow up fast if they want to compete for the Big 12 title.

The out of conference schedule includes early season matchups with ACC Champion Wake Forest on the road and USC at home. USC would absolutely beat the shit out of Nebraska if this game was being played two or three years ago, but it's not and Nebraska can hang with them. If they pull of the season's biggest upset it would catapult the Cornhuskers back to one of the nation's elite teams. It's a BIG if though.

MISSOURI TIGERS-I hate to put too much pressure on one player but I think QB Chase Daniel
will determine if the Tigers are legit or not. If he has a huge season and improves from last season and cuts down on the costly turnovers this Tigers team could win the Big 12. He has a lot of weapons to use including RB Tony Temple and the best tight end tandem of Martin Rucker and Chase Coffman.

The defense only returns 4 starters but their best player, LB Brock Christopher, is back and should again lead the team in tackles. The defense as a whole can bend a lot with Missouri's high octane offense but if they want to win a championship they are going to have to force some turnovers.

Missouri is going to start off 4-0 and everybody will be jumping on their bandwagon after what should all be blowout wins. The home game against Nebraska will make or break their season. If they win they are in the driver's seat to win the North division. Lose and they are playing catch up all season.

TEXAS A&M-The Aggies are my sleeper pick in the Big 12. I love watching QB Stephen McGee run an offense with huge FB Jorvorskie Lane and explosive TB Mike Goodson.
Their backfield is right up there with West Virginia in terms of running ability. Tight end Martellus Bennett is the best in the nation at his position and a serious deep threat with his size. Offensively the Aggies should score a ton of points but...

The defense needs to be more consistent. Ranked 44th overall last season, they got destroyed in the Holiday Bowl against Cal. The defensive line is one of the conference's best with Chris Harrington and Red Bryant back as starters. The linebackers are not extremely talented but have game experience. The defensive backfield is deep and talented with 3 returning starters.

The Aggies open up with 3 jokes at home but then travel to Miami to take on the Hurricanes. Win that game and it's not out of the realm of possibility the Aggies are 9-0 heading to Oklahoma in early November. With games against Missouri and Texas following to finish the regular season, it is imperative for the Aggies to win in Miami to have a legit chance as my sleeper pick. We will see.

OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS-WR Adarius Bowman
is a pimp dressed up in a cowboy uniform on Saturday afternoons. If they beat Georgia on Saturday I will break down their whole team and schedule including their likes in women. If they don't I wouldn't expect another mention of Oklahoma State from me except for Bowman the pimp.


FALLING BACK TEAMS:
TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS-I don't trust anything that bleeds for 3 days and doesn't die. Yes the Red Raiders have a potent fun n gun, shoot em up and bang, whatever the fuck you want to call it offense. But they don't beat the big boys and more than likely won't again this season. Don't trust them. Nuff said.

KANSAS STATE WILDCATS-I love defensive end Ian Campbell but their QB Josh Freeman turns the ball over way too many times. Despite their impressive win against Texas last season, this is just an average team. Not great and not terrible. Take it for what it's worth.

KANSAS JAYHAWKS-Why do I need to explain anything when Mark Mangino can do it...


SHIT COVERED WITH CHOCOLATE TEAMS:
COLORADO BUFFALOES-This team lost to Montana State and Baylor in one season. I think you have to give up your man card if you lose to one of those teams, but two you might as well go Owen Wilson and cut your losses. Go play intramurals brother...


IOWA STATE CYCLONES-New coach Gene Chizik should have never taken this job. Never. Ever.

BAYLOR BEARS-They have by far the worst offensive players in the conference. And their defense sucks too.


BEST GAME:
Texas vs. Oklahoma in Dallas (October 6th)-The Red River shootout is so intense that some fans will rip your balls off if you piss them off and root for the other team. Always an entertaining battle, Oklahoma is looking for revenge for the past two blowout losses in Dallas.

WORST GAME:
Baylor at Buffalo (September 22nd)-The Bears vs. Bulls sounds like a matchup of "which team captured the heart of Chicago" back in the day. This matchup sounds like Rosie O'donnell getting finger blasted by an ox.

MOST OVERRATED GAME:
TCU at Texas (September 8th)-A lot of people have this penciled in as their upset game of the year. The Horned Frogs have a good team, don't get me wrong, but they are not in the Longhorn's class. Texas wins be at least 10 points.

BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER:
Texas A&M runningback Mike Goodson wins a very tight battle over Texas' Colt McCoy and Jamaal Charles and Oklahoma State's Adarius Bowman. Any of these guys could have huge seasons.

BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER:
Kansas State's defensive end/linebacker Ian Campbell is the best player in the Big 12 you haven't heard of. It should be interesting to see how he plays this season under the new 3-4 scheme.

BEST FRESHMAN:
If we were going with redshirt freshmen I would have picked Demarco Murray but I'm leaving this up to true freshmen who will make an impact this season. With that being said, Colorado OT Ryan Miller will see a ton of playing time for the Buffaloes.

MOST LIKELY TO GET ARRESTED:
Another Oklahoma fan will get piss drunk and rip the scrotum off of another Texas fan after they lose the Red River Shootout. Hopefully it will be the funbags on the left doing the tugging.

MOST LIKELY TO GET FIRED:
Guy Morriss at Baylor is most likely to get fired because he coaches BAYLOR. They are horrible every year and will have at least 10 losses this season.

PLAYER WHO WILL BE BETTER THAN WHAT PEOPLE THINK:Texas RB Jamaal Charles had a "down" year during his sophomore season but will explode for 1300 plus yards and quite possibly make a trip to NYC for some stupid trophy.

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AWARD:
How Colorado became this bad so quickly. Following a 2 win season, Dan Hawkins is going to let his son quarterback the team. Seriously.

THE WINNER IS:
In what promises to be a tight game in the first half, Texas
pulls away from Nebraska in the second half to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES

I know I badmouth ESPN all the time but I do like Pat Forde because he actually talks to the players and coaches and is reasonable with his opinions unlike Mark May.

Only 1 more day till we have college football kickoff...3 more days till I'm on my hillbilly heroin: cases of cheap beer and my blood shot devout eyes glued to the television watching 12 plus hours of college football guts and glory...yippey, kay,aye.

A LEPRECHAUN IN MOBILE, ALABAMA?

You would think this is some Dave Chappelle sketch but it isn't. Just some crazy people from Alabama. No wonder people from Alabama hate Notre Dame and claim they have 35 National Championships. They are scared of the Leprechaun!

Via Barstool Sports

OWEN WILSON TOOK HILLBILLY HEROIN?
The latest news on the apparent Owen Wilson suicide attempt is that he went on a three day drug binge of not only cocaine and heroin but he also mixed a cocktail of oxycontin and crystal meth known as "hillbilly heroin."

So basically he has taken more illegal stuff than Barry Bonds.

According to the pathetic skank drug queen known to the free world as Courtney Love, all of this is the fault of one man by the name of Steve Coogan. I have no clue who he is so don't bother asking.

Wait, did Love honestly say Wilson drug problem is some other guy's fault. Fucking Hollywood. Isn't Wilson a grown man who can make his own decisions?

My hope is that Wilson can make a comeback and destroy his inner demons. Being a recreational drug rat is no way to go through life especially when you can be banging hot models and actresses despite having a hockey nose that resembles a swollen prostate. Get well Owen, we need you back you old sailor you...

A BASEBALL JOKE
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankees fan from the water. Then using autographed Manny Ramirez baseball bats, the three Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing…how's the bait holding up?"

–Jonathan S.
Wilmington, NC

JOIN THE SPORTSCRACK COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM LEAGUE
So you think you know a lot about college football and who will win the games every Saturday when the players aren't banging their tutors? Well then prove it by joining the first ever Sportscrack College Football Pick Em contest over at Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

The winner each week gets a free Sportscrack shirt of their choice. Whether you choose to wear it or use it as a spank cleanup towel is your perogative.

Simply click on the link here and then click on the SIGN UP NOW icon under college football pick em.

The User ID # is 27510
The Password is sportscrack

Good luck. And I hope all your fantasies come true...