I'm back home so expect a lot more posts with an endless amount of fart jokes and mindless nudie pics sprinkled in between the two empty bottles of scotch.
It's all game now.
Notre Dame finally won.
USC blows.
Life is good.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
USC LOSES, FALLS TO #1 IN THE RANKINGS
You are a 41 point favorite at home against a doormat of a football program with a backup quarterback making his first start. You are suppose to dominate and beat the living shit out of Stanford if you are USC. What do you do? You lose in one of the biggest upsets in college football history.
And what do the pollsters do?
They drop them to #7 and #10 in the rankings.
Absolutely ridiculous.
Didn't Michigan lose at home to a huge underdog and not only drop out of the top 10 but also the rankings all together? The pollsters need to get off their knees and wipe the Pete Carroll crust off their filthy mouths. USC is not as good as you think they are. Repeat it to yourself again. USC is not that good.
Maybe then when you come to this conclusion will your balls finally decide to drop.
My sentiments exactly.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
SOUTH CAROLINA VS. KENTUCKY FOR SEC EAST TITLE?
I know PAC-10 lovers are looking at this matchup and screaming at their pumpkin spice latte in Starbucks saying "see, see, the PAC-10 is better than the SEC!" Sure brah, hang ten. Anyways, this game of old shitty NFL coaches gone good in the SEC east is much more than SECPoon and Smelley Cocks. It's about a coming out party for QB Andre' Woodson. Not a lot of people west of the Mississippi have seen him play but will be given the chance to watch Erin Andrews sweet...umm, yeah, too many gin and tonics out here right now.
Drunk, ripped, dawn here in Hawaii.
Sorry, I'm rambling like an 18 year old hooker waiting to satisfy her first john. And by hooker I mean Smelley Cock and by john I mean Ole ball coach click-clack. This game will be in front of 90,000 plus screaming, foaming Cock lovers thirsting for blood on a warm October night in a state that prides itself in crescent moons and fake palm trees. All I know is the Cocks are missing their best player in LB Jasper Brinkley. God had different plans for him like the poor black linebacker who blows out his knee in The Program. Come to think of it, this whole Gamecock team is like the fictional team in The Program. Blake Mitchell is the ugly drunk QB who has daddy issues and boinks a hot Buffy the Vampire Slayer before she gets a boob job guy.
Wait, there would be no Lattimore-a steroid popping freak of an athlete rapist who bangs the head coach's daughter.
I know you guys and gals are reading this waiting for a cohesive sentence with some logical meaning. Sorry, I'm in an internet cafe feeling dazed and confused while typing here on this beautiful MAC. My thoughts are Kentucky should for all intended purposes win this game even though they are the 3 and a Noel Devine underdog on the road. The Wildcats have better athletes and more speed and should be able to stretch the field against the Cocks. But of course the Cocks have the home field advantage and Ole Ball Coach.
Fuck, I'm so confused. Not because my liver has gone to hell or because I see a man laughing at me in my computer screen. It's this college football season. How are teams like South Florida and Kentucky undefeated right now and sitting in the top ten? How is my beloved Notre Dame slumped over at 0-5 walking down the corridor to a shiny needle named USC at the end. Wait a second, what the hell am I doing sitting in an internet cafe with a now empty gin and tonic mumbling to the computer screen while the nerd behind me is watching one of the shitty remakes of Star Wars while giggling at the fake cartoon version of Yoda?
The beach awaits, I want to wrestle a shark while I burn and roast to a nice pinkish red similar to Clint Hurdle's face. A few more days out here and I will come back looking like Leatherface Mcgee, known to the common man as the Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan.
Oh yeah, I'm taking Big Woodson over the Smelley Cock.
SOCCER PLAYERS ARE STILL PUSSIES
This is a video from yesterday's UEFA match between AC Milan and Celtic. The goaltender's name is Dida. Nuff said. It's this kind of crybaby shit that turns off red blooded, run till you blow out both knees Americans from the "world's game." I will be the first to admit I actually enjoy watching UEFA games on ESPN2, but any time I see a guy take a dive it just makes me turn the channel.
And no, that isn't Mike Tyson running on the field and giving him a love tap.
Hat tip to Deadspin.
Monday, October 01, 2007
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
Okay, this is the part where you say "fuck you" for telling me this but I did have some thoughts on the wild weekend of College Football while watching it at 6 am in Hawaii. Any excuse to wake up on the beach at 6 in the morning and start drinking while mixing in some crazy concoctions of upsets is a great way to destroy the liver of life. Anyways, here are some thoughts:
-What the fuck was Bob Stoops thinking? Seriously, he had a timeout left and decided not to use it to either A)ice the kicker or B)use it so they had some time left on the clock for a final play of their own if he made the kick. The Sooners really disappointed me not only with their play but their decisions. They should have killed Colorado but instead handed the game to them. I will give the Boulders some credit and acknowledge the fact that Dan Hawkin's son Cody is playing a good QB, but there is no reason for the Sooners to lose a game like that.
-So is USC really any good? They looked like shit on Saturday night/early Saturday afternoon here in beautiful sunny Hawaii. Again this is the part where you mumble "fuck you" while sitting in your cubbie while your fat smelly co-worker offers you some advice for your team not to lose. I think it was only proper to put LSU ahead of USC right now in the rankings. LSU is so much more dominant up front on both lines that they wouldn't have that hard of time handling USC in my opinion. True LSU didn't look particularly great against Tulane in the first half but they put it together in the second half to blow them out.
-Cal is the real deal. I've had my doubts with their team but winning in Eugene is impressive. Desean Jackson of course stepped up to the plate and delivered. Big time players show up in big games. It still looks weird to see a team like Cal sitting at #3 in the polls. Holy shit balls, South Florida is #6 right now. This past weekend just demonstrates how crazy a playoff system would be.
-Andre Woodson is the leading Heisman candidate right now. No questions asked. He is the best QB in the nation. Fucking Kentucky is in the top 10 people. K-E-N-T-U-C-K-Y. If I hear one national media person try to tell me that JD Booty will win it because he plays for USC then I will personally go over to their place, pull down their pants, take a before picture, kick them in the balls, and then take a picture after and post it here on this blog. Woodson could get Kentucky to a SEC Championship game and I hope he does. The Wildcats are my new favorite underdog team.
-Notre Dame finally found an identity in the second half against Purdue. The offensive line started blocking people, and freshman WR Golden Tate had his coming out party. Tate is a player ND has been missing for a long time since Julius Jones left. The kid just makes plays. His 3 catches on Saturday were all highlight worthy. Along with fellow freshmen WR Duval Kumara, RBs Armando Allen and Robert Hughes, TE Mike Ragone, and QB Jimmy Clausen you can see a nucleus in one class that could turn into the best offensive class in ND history.
-Baseball predictions: Yankees will beat the Indians, Angels will beat the Red Sox in the AL. Cubs will beat the Diamondbacks, and the Padres(if they win tonight) will beat the Phillies. No expert analysis here, just a hunch.
Friday, September 28, 2007
WEEKEND PICKS
Just a reminder to get your college football picks in today before 5 pm eastern if you are in the Sportscrack pick em contest.
Here are my picks this week:
West Virginia(-7.5) at South Florida: The spitting lisp gave the pep talk to the Bulls so I got to take the Mountaineers.
Prediction: West Virginia 27 South Florida 17
Ole Miss (+15) at Georgia: Ole Miss can hang with Georgia and the Bulldogs haven't blown out a decent opponent in a long time.
Prediction: Georgia 24 Ole Miss 18
Oklahoma (-22) at Colorado: I'm going to keep riding the Sooners money train.
Prediction: Oklahoma 49 Colorado 20
Cal at Oregon (-6): I just have this feeling that Oregon really wants to make a statement and prove they need to be taken serious for a National Title this year.
Prediction: Oregon 35 Cal 28
Clemson at Georgia Tech (+3): Just playing a hunch here, Tech usually beats Clemson when they are underdogs especially at home.
Prediction: GT 20 Clemson 17
Alabama (+2.5) at FSU: Umm, why is Alabama an underdog in this game? The Criminoles suck ass, I'm going with $aban Nation.
Prediction: Alabama 28 FSU 14
Auburn (+18) at Florida: I got to go with Auburn here just because of the huge spread. The Tigers know how to beat Florida and they won't be scared of the Swamp.
Prediction: Tebow 31 Auburn 20
Notre Dame at Purdue(-21): Nothing has changed for me to believe ND will be in this game. Enjoy this game Purwho, it will be the last time you beat ND for a long time.
Prediction: Purdue 45 Notre Dame 17
Thursday, September 27, 2007
GREAT NEWS: KEVIN EVERETT IS MOVING
But he still hates cops? You be the judge...
You have to love unintentional comedy. Who ever screwed up the news station footage has a job offer from Sportscrack waiting for them. Of course pay is little to nothing but I have been told I give great massages with my "big hands."
"You so hard you need to relax guy."
Kevin Everett video via BarstoolSports
IT'S OFFICIAL: SOUTH FLORIDA IS FUCKED!
The dreaded curse of the lisp appears to have stricken South Florida this week. Lou Holtz' latest blabbering pep talk is designed to pump up the Bulls for their Friday showdown against West Virginia. More likely it will extend the dreaded Holtz pep talk curse to Tampa where the Bulls will go down faster than a struggling Hollywood starlet on a casting couch.
I wonder if Vegas waits for the lisp of Holtz before deciding the line on the game?
West Virginia is favored by 7.5 points. I think the half point is in honor of Noel Devine. He may be half a man in size but the little guy is more jittery and elusive than a DC crack addict.
DuscHEBAGS
My little brother Sean is considering going to USC (I know, quit the missing chromosone jokes now)to hang out, study (wink, wink) and party with a bunch of DUSCHEBAGS. I know he reads this blog every once in a while. Sean, the picture above is a warning. Do you really want to be associated with white rich kids who actually support O.J? You might as well go to Virginia Tech and start a memorial for Vick's career.
Food for thought Sean. I'm just saying.
Picture via Deadspin
SECPOON IS BACK
Never fear Poon lovers, I have been informed that the SECPoon is back and better than ever. Thanks to good bud and fellow blogger MacGsWorld(great blog by the way, highly recommend), we have received a relaunch at www.poonsec.blogspot.com. Don't ask any questions, just bookmark the page, unzip...errr, I mean relax and enjoy the lovely southern ladies.
I've been informed that the two ladies above do go to Tennessee and actually have all their teeth and even know how to spell their first...and last names. I think this deserves a slow, resounding, golf clap.
Oh oh yeah, GOD.BLESS.THE.POON.
NEW SHIRT
We call it the Backup College shirt, otherwise known as BC. You always had a dream to get in your first university of choice but just weren't good enough, well now you can wear your second rate college shirt.
Click on the image below to order, all orders will be shipped October 5th so preorder soon so you can get it before gameday...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
MICHAEL VICK TESTS POSITIVE FOR MARIJUANA
Shocker isn't it? America's favorite felon tested positive for the holy grass back on September 13th. He has since been ordered to stay at home with an electronic monitoring device and receive mental health counseling. I got a better recommendation. Why don't we take all the Vick supporters who booed the Animal Rights activist last night in Atlanta and shower them with chum and just dump them in the choppy waters of Capetown, South Africa.
Listen people, I'm going to say it as nicely as possible....VICK IS A FUCKING IDIOT!
Don't support that sack of garbage. He is a rich prick who doesn't give a shit. And those people who just embarrassed the rest of Atlanta including myself last night by booing a guy who supports the rights to protect animals from cruelty can seriously, and I mean seriously, go....
Sorry people, I'm in a glass case of emotion right now.
I FUCKING HATE ESPN MORONS
Click here for the latest Charlie Weis interview on Stephen A. Smith radio show. If you want to hear a question that makes absolutely zero sense without any research, fast forward to the 5:35 mark and listen.
This is why ESPN blows. Notre Dame fans are not bitching about Weis recruiting. His recruiting is unbelievable and he is bringing in elite players unlike the past regime. Notre Dame's current recruiting class is ranked #1 in the nation. The past two seasons since Charlie took over the recruiting classes finished in the top 10 in the nation. This notion that Notre Dame isn't going to get better is just bullshit. The elite talent they have right now is all in the freshmen and sophomore classes and are just inexperienced but are growing up fast.
Do your research ESPN and stop trying to stir the pot.
We can all agree what ESPN stands for...
Erroneous
Special
People
Network
MY TOP 10 brought to you by Heidi Klum
I'm really too lazy right now to do a top 25 in college football. Plus I'm sure most of you could give a horse's ass where Virginia Tech (let the healing begin)is on my top 25. They wouldn't be in it by the way. I figured I would spice up the list and bring in an official sponsor of the top 10 list. Luckily for all the guys supermodel Heidi Klum agreed to be a presenter. Thank you Germany.
1. Oklahoma Sooners-They have scored over 51 points in every game and covered every spread. They make me rich so I give them props. Bradford to Kelly might be the best QB to WR combo in the nation.
2. LSU Tigers-This team is so fierce it's like watching Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino slug it out for the last munchkin at Dunkin Donuts. The trick play for a TD against South Carolina gave me a boner.
3. USC Trojans-You can't spell TROJAN without OJ. Shameless promotion, I know. Yes, they are really good, Pete Carroll is a god, blah blah blah. Suck it Trojans.
4. Florida Gators-Not sure how long Tim Tebow is going to last this season rushing the ball the way he has. Urban Meyer needs to figure out a way to run the spread offense without him getting hit 3000 times a game. I know Tebow is the Ultimate QB (another shameless plug)but not even Pamela Anderson could take the constant pounding of Tommy Lee before going down for the count.
5. West Virginia-The Mountaineers are facing a stiff test this week against South Florida. If you like to be entertained just keep your eyes on Pat White.
6. Texas Longhorns-Finally they played a decent game last week against Rice. The offense appears to be clicking and they could get a good battle from Kansas State this week.
7. Oregon Ducks-I'm moving the Ducks up because I think they will beat Cal this week. Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart having been beasts all season and their defense is better than Cal's.
8. Cal Bears-Desean Jackson will have a good game this week but it won't be enough against Oregon.
9. Ohio State-I like their defense and they have a great coach in Jim Tressel. One of their players dotted the I between H-O a couple of days ago. Kids will be kids.
10. Kentucky-Watch them play and you will appreciate how good they are. Their offense is balanced and their confidence is growing. Oh yeah, did I mention on here how much I love Andre' Woodson and Rafael Little? I hold them in my heart so dearly I'm thinking about making a pillow with both of their backsides on each side of the pillow. Sweet dreams!
Just missed the cut but not really: Rutgers, Wisconsin, South Florida, Boston College, Clemson
MICHAEL WILBON IS AFRAID OF BLOGS
Head over to Awful Announcing to hear what Wilbon said yesterday on the Mike Tirico Radio Show(how in the hell did that no good sexual predator jock sniffer get the job to replace Dan Patrick ahead of the way more interesting and actually funny Scott Van Pelt?) about bloggers. It always amazes me when the so called press gets their panties in a bunch over bloggers and their blogs. It must be some form of jealously or fear of losing their job.
We are all just ugly geeks hiding behind a computer Wilbon! Unfortunately Wilbon hasn't taken the cue of bloggers and hidden his ugly mug.
Kudos to Awful Announcing for sticking up for the bloggers of the world.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
MORE OSCAR DE LA FISHNET PHOTOS
This guy is more fruity than strawberry yogurt dripping off Andy Dick's balls. In case you want to see more pictures of Oscar strutting around like the fucking fruitcake adulterer he is, well then click this lovely link.
ANYONE UP FOR SOME TRIVIA TONIGHT?
Last week I got invited by some friends to join them at this restaurant called Pepperbee's in Atlanta for some hot trivia action. We finished third thanks to some timely answers from you know who(me, me, me)and I must say the service at the restaurant was impeccable. I've never encoutered such great customer service. The food was great, but I wouldn't try their milkshakes. It was a little salty for my liking. Anyways, we are trying to win it this week so if you want to join in on the fun with some satisfaction guaranteed, well then come on down. Pepperbee's owner Doug Thomas wanted to personally invite you. Take it away Doug...
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