NFL SUNDAY PREDICTIONS

PATRIOTS 31 CHARGERS 14

PACKERS 24 GIANTS 21

TIM TEBOW PUMPS UP HUBERT DAVIS

I think Hubert Davis went to the "Djimon Houson how to overact 101 class" at UNC. The guy almost popped a blood vessel screaming! Good lord, have a drink and take your meds Davis.

Video HT: Awful Announcing

JEFFREY ROSS ROAST OF MIKE AND MIKE

Jeffrey Ross is hilarious at roasting famous people and in this case the not so famous. I'm still wondering who the "homeless sir" Ross was pointing to in the roast. I got my bets on Dana Jacobson from ESPN. She looks like Brady Quinn's sister on steroids. I see Charlie Weis was sitting next to Ditka. I can only imagine how many endangered whale/ND coach jokes were used by Ross. If anybody finds more footage of the roast please email it to me or post it in the comments.

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

HITLER LOVES THE DALLAS COWBOYS

Some people take their favorite team losing real hard. For instance I once drank a bottle of Jack Daniels after Ryan Grant(yes, the current Green Bay Packers RB) fumbled away a game for Notre Dame against Boston College. I couldn't bear the pain of seeing my team lose to an inferior junior varsity team and suffer the humiliation of other people laughing in my face. And yet I still drank a bottle of whiskey. I hate whiskey! But to see Hitler and the way he takes it I think we can all learn a valuable lesson. I know I did...

Hitler was right all along.

Romo's downfall was Jessica Simpson.

Video HT: KissingSuzyKolber

NICK VAN EXEL WATCHING 2 GIRLS, 1 CUP VIDEO

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BOB KNIGHT RECORDS 900TH WIN

Love him or hate him, Bob Knight became the first men's head coach in NCAA basketball to record 900 wins last night. It couldn't happen to a better fuckin' guy. God bless him.

DSRL COMMERCIAL

I love the theme music because it sounds like it's straight out of a 80's cartoon. I have to admit both of the Manning brothers are good at poking fun at themselves. So I'm not going to make fun of them for licking white cream while talking about double stuffing each other. That is just juvenile anyways and here at SportsCrack we don't believe in any sort of jokes at the expense of others just because they are different.

All though I was disturbed at first by the commercial it is starting to grow on me. I still like this Oreo's commercial better...

"Give it time Kevin! It will fill out. I know so."

PRESEASON HOT-TALK WITH DICK PEPPERFIELD

The Ballgirls! Hello Ladies! I had a pancake last night. Her name was Asia and I think she broke my hip last night. But all is fair in love and war I say. Or maybe somebody else said it. I don't know where I'm going with this but it seems like Will Ferrell is trying to do every single sports comedy possible. With Semi-Pro covering basketball coming out next month he now just has to tackle projects regarding baseball and football. If he wants to do football I think he should do a comedy about Reggie Bush while at USC. He could come up with a funny title like "Dirty Trojan" and play the part of unsuspecting Pete Carroll. He could play that goofy "unknowing" asshole to perfection.

THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS ARE IDIOTS

According to STLTODAY.COM, the St. Louis Cardinals are so desperate for another drug cheater to sit with Rick Ankiel on the bench that they are thinking about inviting Juan Gonzalez to spring training camp.

Two-time MVP Juan Gonzalez is seeking another swing at a comeback after nearly three years since his last at-bat, and the Cardinals have discussed extending him an invitation to spring training.

Gonzalez, 38, has been working out at Eduardo Perez's Winter Training Program in Puerto Rico. The Cardinals, intrigued by descriptions of Gonzalez's workouts, are exploring the possibility of signing the former All-Star outfielder, but a source cautioned that no deal is completed.

I for some reason thought Gonzalez died a few years back to some cocaine overdose but I guess I was wrong. Sorry, I usually get cocaine overdose and career dying in Detroit mixed up for some reason. Seriously, wtf are the Cardinals thinking? Do they need a guy who was trained in the "Jose Canseco how to stick needles in dude's asses without breaking it" camp to assist with Ankiel and Albert Pujols. I know they just picked up Troy Glaus in a trade so he should have plenty of experience in performance-enhancing drugs but apparently the Cards want a whole roster full of cheaters. Maybe they could bring back Mark McGwire while they are at it or look into adding Roger Clemens to the pitching staff.

GREG PAULUS CARRIES ON THE DUKE TRADITION

I have a general hatred for Duke Basketball and some people may wonder why it is? It's because of shit like this. It started years ago with Christian Laettner and was passed on to Shane Battier and now apparently to Greg Paulus. The art of horrible acting to get fouls called in your direction. Coach K and his filthy whore mouth teaches the act to all of his players but these douchebags have perfected "the flop", "the crying", the "act like you have been punched" routine so much that they make Brendan Fraser look like an Academy Award thespian. Paulus is the little punk white guard who has little talent but is one of those hustle guys who mixes it up with the big boys so to speak. But what he does is talk shit and gets away with it because he is a little white guy. This is why I can't watch Duke Basketball. They tend to flop as often as Italian soccer...

I think it is time for the ACC conference to review plays such as the dive and the flop perfected by Paulus and suspend them for games for unsportsmanlike behavior. Or as I call it "general douchness."

Video HT: AwfulAnnouncing

OSI UMENYIORA LIKES TO POOP ON GIRLS

DOLPHINS HIRE TONY SOPRANO

Okay, it's not really the Jersey tough guy but you have to admit Tony Sparano is going to turn a lot of heads with that name down in Miami. The new head coach of the Dolphins should know that the Miami/Boca Raton area is a loaded cesspool with retired Mafia syndicates. They might come after him just because they get him mixed up with Bobby's cousin's girlfriend's uncle who went by the same name who once stole a shipment of plasmas being delivered in Cherry Hill a few years back. I'm just saying. But seriously Sparano needs to shave that fucking mustache. The Hitler/pedophile look is so 1970's buddy. If there was a Hall of Fame for jerk off mustaches Sparano would be the president of the fraternity with Dave Wannstedt as his VP. And we all know how Wanny fared in Miami with that hairy follicle lip. I'm just saying.

TOM BRADY MANCRUSH

I'm sorry but if I was gay I could never date Tom Brady. He went to Michigan and has an asshole for a chin. But yeah, the Giselle-look-alike in this video might be better than the real thing. As far as I can see she doesn't have an adam's apple either.

I.F.H. MONDAY'S

I worked at a restaurant in Maryland for two weeks while I was broke in college, it looked a lot like this except worse...

Dude, was that MTV VJ Simon Rex saying "tastes like dookie, you got any blow?" Hell yeah it was. The Rex Effect is still alive.

JEFF FRANCOEUR HATES HARRY POTTER

Athletes get a lot of flack from people whether it be their political views or issues with banging pop stars and then losing NFL playoff games. But a guy like Atlanta Braves outfielder Jeff Francoeur is the closest thing to being a God in Atlanta. Think of him as being the opposite of Michael Vick. The kid is like an Eagle Scout who hits walk-off grand slams(I witnessed it in person) and has enough time in his day to smile to his fans while not flipping them off and help out others whether it be charity causes or signing autographs. With that being said I've always thought you could judge a person's character by the movies they enjoy watching. Considering I got a degree in film (yes, I got a degree watching 4 years of films) I tend to value film more than say a guy who majored in political science or engineering. That being said Francoeur has my same idealistic views on recent films he has seen:

1. "The Kingdom." Jeff: "It was OK. I like war movies, but there's nothing like 'Braveheart' anymore."

2. "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." Catie: "I read all the books, and the movies don't have it." Jeff: "It [stinks]."

3. "American Gangster." Jeff "I like those kind of movies."

4. "SuperBad." Jeff: "I think it's hilarious." Catie: "Please don't say we watched that."

5. "Eastern Promises." Jeff "I hope it's good. That's what we're watching tonight."

If Francoeur would have said he loved "Harry Potter" and couldn't wait to see what happened I would have called him a candy ass who loves to take bubble baths. Thankfully he didn't. The fact that he acknowledges "Braveheart" as the best war film of all-time further establishes his good standing with me and grants him good standing in the man card department. Nothing will ever match "Braveheart"! Don't even try to make an argument because you are wrong already. I also give Francoeur props for voicing his love and admiration for a comedy like "SuperBad" even though his wife Catie is clearly embarrassed by her admission of viewing it.

No matter how great of a spouse you have never lose your opinion or your voice in fears of being reprimanded. I believe Pacman Jones uttered those words once while punching a stripper. Anyways I salute Francoeur for saying "Harry Potter" sucked and that any guy over the age of 18 who willfully or not admits they love the film should be castrated and shipped to Canada where they belong.

CARL FROM ADULTSWIM.COM

I fucking love this guy...

"My Jessica Simpson wig...worked like a freaking charm man!"

TERRELL OWENS CRYING: PRICELESS

Owens finally found his one true love and his name is Tony Homo...umm, Romo. I'm not a huge NFL fan but I love the drama in the game with how quickly players can be cut and lose their salary, the injuries, the crazy owners, the confused coaches, and of course high strung emotional players like Terrell Owens. He looks like he is auditioning for a part for "Jerry McGuire 2". TO let me help you. Go get some therapy or do some pushups in your driveway. Honestly I love seeing players get emotional but I don't know if I buy it from him. This guy has thrown more teammates and QB's under the bus during his career than Urban Meyer lies to recruits in order to get them to Florida.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

OVECHKIN NOW KING OF NHL SALARY

The Washington Capitals signed superstar Alexander Ovechkin to a 13 year, $124 million dollar contract making him the richest NHL player ever.

I've seen Ovechkin play in person three times against the Thrashers and also have seen Sidney Crosby a couple of times in person and I honestly think Ovechkin is the better player. The kid is sick with the puck and has the ability to score 700 plus goals over his career. So I guess the question remains if he can be as marketable as a Crosby.

No.

Unfortunately for Ovechkin the kid has the Russian curse of butt nasty cro-magnon face disorder. It shouldn't matter but it does in marketing. The face is what sells as much as the game. So I guess what I'm trying to say is don't expect to see Ovechkin in any Jockey briefs. Actually thank God for that one. Teenage girls don't swoon over ugly Russian dudes but they do love their Tom Brady. But it shouldn't matter anyways. The kid is already a great player. Maybe the best in the league and I congratulate him and would love for him to be the spokes model for Sportscrack. I can pay in Stoli Alexander. Maybe even "hook you up" with the FUSC girl.

SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THERE IS A CHANCE

ESPN's Len Pasquarelli is reporting the flirtation between USC head coach Pete Carroll and Atlanta Falcon's owner Arthur Blank is reciprocal at this point despite some reports of Carroll uninterested.

In fact, on Thursday, Carroll was still in contact with coaches who likely would be assistants on his staff if he was offered and accepted the job here.

Carroll had yet to apprise the Falcons of that as of late Thursday night. Team officials still believed there was a chance Carroll would consider the job and a source close to the USC coach acknowledged late Thursday that, while he would probably remain with the Trojans, the Falcons' flirtation "is not quite a dead issue yet."

As the saying goes "where there is smoke there must be fire" and the fact that Carroll hasn't come out already saying he has no interest in the job must mean he is really intrigued by what Blank is offering. There also has to be another side to this story because let's be completely honest: The Falcons are a fucking mess right now. Either Carroll wants the challenge of rebuilding a team much like he did in Southern Cal or the money Blank is throwing at him is ridiculous($8-10 million a year is my guess) or Carroll knows the proverbial shit is about to hit the fan with NCAA sanctions coming down with the Reggie Bush investigation.

The good thing about the NFL is you can turn around a team pretty quickly because of the strict salary cap set in place. The Falcons may be horrible right now but I'm sure Carroll knows you are always a couple of players away from contending for the playoffs especially in the weak NFC. I mean look at what the Green Bay Packers are doing this season. No one in their right mind thought Brett Favre and company would win 13 games this season but all it took was a Pro Bowl season from himself and RB Ryan Grant emerging from the ashes of undrafted NFL free agency plus some good coaching by Mike Mularkey and instantly in one season they are a serious NFC Title contender.

I still don't believe Carroll will take the job unless Blank offers him a shit load of money with executive powers. As of this moment it looks like Blank is trying to find a GM to work with the coach so I doubt Carroll would be intrigued with that scenario. But as we all know coaching is a weird business especially the last couple of years where a coach has left a great job because they get antsy and want to prove to themselves and everybody else they can win no matter where they go.

If Carroll doesn't come out soon and say he has no interest in the job expect him to be looking at it real closely. If this is the case expect some serious doubt in USC current recruiting class as to whether USC would be the best place to play especially with Carroll departing and NCAA sanctions looming.

THE MOST DISTURBING TRAILER

Apparently the girl from "The Lord of the Rings" has teeth down there. I'm not sure who green lighted this movie but they obviously need to be drug out into Times Square and given a public execution. This is sick man! After watching it I'm not going to lie, I felt like burning all my clothes while crying and telling myself everything is going to be okay while sucking my thumb. I just want to get the visual out of my head before I become a born again virgin Christian.

Video HT: Barstool Sports