REX RYAN STILL TALKING THE SMACK

Awfully brave of Jet's coach Rex Ryan to talk some shit to the Miami crowd at an ultimate fighting competition. Talk about having some cajones. Half the crowd is either convicted felons or gang members. And no I'm not stereotyping ultimate fighting fans. I'm laying this on the whole city of Miami.

SHAUN WHITE TAKES ONE TO THE TOMATO CAN

I got to give the kid some credit. He took a vicious hit to the head which rocketed his helmet off about 50 feet in the air and yet he got up and shook it off. Bravo Shaun White. Bravo. If that were Ladainian Tomlinson on the half pipe he would have sat out the finals due to fatigue.

Oh yeah, the asshole in me came out when his helmet flew off. I couldn't help but laugh out loud. Something about seeing a red headed longhair take one in the noggin is funny.

I FOUND MY MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK

If this video from the Wonder Cousins doesn't win a MTV Music Award then it will be a bigger sham than the Mormon religion. How can we get this video on MTV? Actually I don't even think they play music videos on that network. Instead it is should be called Jersey Shore 24/7.

LEBRON JAMES REJECTS THE NOTION OF KOBE AS THE BEST PLAYER

Give Lebron a supporting cast that Kobe has had his whole career and we would be talking about 3 rings easily on his fingers at this point. King James is hands down the best player in the NBA. Kobe is a great player too but Lebron has an all-around game that makes the players around him better. If Lebron had MJ's Scottie Pippen or Kobe's Shaq during their primes he would be considered right up there with Jordan as the best player to ever play the game. And as far as I know he doesn't rape women in Colorado...I think...

MONEYBALL MY ASS: A'S SIGN SHEETS

Oakland A's GM Billy Beane is known for his Moneyball philosophy which in general terms is finding bargain price players who have good OPS and WHIP stats. Not pitchers who are coming off elbow surgery. The A's signed former Brewer's ace Ben Sheets today to a one year contract for $10 million plus incentives when it appeared no other team was willing to go above 5-6 million for him in base. Granted I know the A's wanted a veteran starter to help bridge the gap to their young guys Brett Anderson, Dallas Braden, Gio Gonzalez and Trevor Cahill but it seems like they way overpaid for a starter who has had durability concerns all of his career. So what the fuck is Beane thinking on this one? Unless Sheets catches magic in a bottle there is no way he is going to pitch worthy of $10 million even if it's just a one year gamble. Seems like Beane is getting desperate out there in Oakland with the Mariners greatly improved and the Angels and Rangers both legitimate playoff contenders in 2010.

TERRANCE CODY PASSES THE EYE TEST

If you are an NFL GM how can you pass on Mount Cody? He looks like a D.C. hooker. For this reason alone it wouldn't surprise me to see Dan Snyder grab the big guy early in the 2nd round. Those boobs are mesmerizing and that belly button is deep enough to hold the holy grail.

HT: SI

BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE HAS SOME T-SHIRT IDEAS FOR US

I finally managed to watch "Jersey Shore" the other day so I could see what all the hype was about. It's fake right? Those can't be real people. Snookie and The Situation are clearly struggling comedians trying to make a name for themselves by acting like jackasses. I guess I get the fascination with the show because it's a train wreck waiting to happen but I don't really give a shit about the people on the show. It's not like one of them is Pedro and has AIDS. Next season if they can manage to get Nick Kroll (Bobby Bottleservice) as one of the cast members then I will give it another shot.

HEIDI MONTAG HOPES YOU ARE ENJOYING WORK

While you are sitting in your cubicle thinking of a way to poison your boss's coffee without anybody catching on you can enjoy these "candid" shots of reality star Heidi Montag doing some yoga with her new DDD breasts. I kinda feel bad for her because now every guy is just going to stare at her enormous jugs instead of her plastic face. I feel ya pain Heidi. Now you know how I feel when I go cycling on my training wheels with my bicycle shorts on. WWTDD has more pictures in case you were wondering...

REY MAUALUGA DIGS THE LITTLE PEOPLE

BARSTOOLSPORTS has this candid shot of former Condom linebacker Rey Maualuga groping some midget's boobs on a new recruiting tactic implemented by coaches Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron. The NCAA is looking into it. Not sure if grabbing little people funbags is a major or minor recruiting violation. I would say minor since they are smaller right?

HOLY MASOLI A THIEF?

GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MACBOOKS AND GUITARS BEFORE I QUACK UP THE WHOLE PLACE!!!!

Rumors are swirling that Oregon Ducks starting QB Jeremiah Masoli is one of two football players accused of theft this weekend at a fraternity party in Eugene. Masoli and backup WR Garrett Embry are accused of stealing two Macbook Pro computers, a guitar, and a projector from Sigma Alpha Whogivesafuk as revenge for Embry being kicked out of a party earlier. Here is the juicy cover up part via the OUSportsDude:

UPDATE (10:00 PM): “KMTR is reporting that Masoli was named in the Eugene theft report, but police say he’s not a suspect.”

I don’t want Masoli to be guilty, but my source at the frat said they “are very big duck fans” and want to protect the program. Therefore I can’t fully believe the report that Masoli is not a suspect in the case. Just speculation, but they are going to try and save Masoli from any legal ramifications.

I know I’m sounding like a hater, but the fraternity has very good reasons to say Masoli is innocent and blame it wholly on Embry. Embry is the perfect scape goat: reputation as a trouble maker, connections with SAE and most importantly, NOT THE BEST PLAYER ON THE TEAM.

Damn, you know what this means right? Yep, Masoli is only going to get 11 pairs of free Nikes this offseason and 2 PS3 Consoles but with only one controller as punishment and will be required to attend at least 3 of his classes. This is what happens when you quack with the law Masoli in Eugene. They about to get strict on the starting quarterback for a potential top 10 team next year. (/shakes head in doubt)

Big ASS HT to TheBigLead for bringing this to our attention.

URBAN MEYER ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE

Sorry to have to kick you in the nuts SEC and Semenholes fans but The Pope Urban Meyer is coming back in case you didn't already know...

Florida football coach Urban Meyer met with the media at halftime of the Florida-South Carolina basketball game Saturday and said he plans to be coaching the Gators on the first day of spring practice.

“I’m going to have a series of tests in February to try to figure this thing out,” Meyer said. “I have to take some time off. I’ve been instructed to by my bride and my boss. I have to change some things. That’s obvious.”

Asked if the tests would be for his heart or for stress, Meyer said, “yes and yes.”

Meyer said he has cut way back on his travel during recruiting.

“They don’t want me traveling,” he said. “I did most of my traveling before the bowl game. I keep hearing about this time off. I tried it for a day and a half. That didn’t work out.”

Seriously why wouldn't Urban come back? They have the #1 class in the nation right now just waiting to get into Gainesville and start building another legacy now that Tim Tebow is gone. They have 3 guys who are 5 star defensive lineman in the class alone. Why the hell would Urban just leave? Because of his health and family? Get the fuck out of here. The guy is an admitted perfectionist who is still steaming from losing the SEC Championship to Alabama. He will take a little time off once he gets his recruiting class signed but you know he will be back in Gainesville giving Eskimo kisses as soon as spring rolls around.

I feel bad for all my friends who are die hard Georgia fans. They know they can't beat Florida with Urban there. It's the exact opposite feeling of how Notre Dame fans felt when the news broke of Pete Carroll leaving. Rejoice. Thankful that the Poodle would no longer bark on the sidelines while consistently beating the shit out of Notre Dame over and over. Georgia fans thought Urban was gone but it was all just a sad illusion. It's demoralizing to think UGA will struggle to compete with their fiercest rival for the next five years because most of the alumni are putting out thousands of dollars just to get tickets to see a vastly inferior product to the one residing in Gainesville currently. It shouldn't have to be this way because Georgia has talent but Urban Meyer is clearly head and shoulders above anybody not named Nick Saban in the college coaching ranks right now.

Urban is going to be at Florida till he dies. Trust me on this. If not just ask his wife Shelley. She knows it.

PRICELESS AUDIO OF BRETT FAVRE'S INTERCEPTION

Talk about shitting away the game yesterday. The Vikings did everything possible to hand the game over to the New Orleans Saints including 3 crucial fumbles combined from Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin but those paled in comparison to this final Brett Favre pass. Oh the gunslinger just had to throw across his body with less than a minute to go and the Vikings only needing a field goal to go to the first Super Bowl in decades.

The sound of disgust in the Viking's booth is immortal. Click here to listen. It's fitting that Favre's third retirement ends with an INT. You know he will be back now. He isn't going to leave like that. Damn. I was hoping we wouldn't have to talk about him anymore after this season.

PRINCE IS TRYING TO GET ME TO ROOT AGAINST THE VIKINGS

Listen Prince, I want to root for the Minnesota Vikings tomorrow because of my genuine distaste for the New Orleans Saints. As a Falcon's fan we were raised to not even mention the name Saints. We called them the Aint's. Those cajun speaking toolbags have been our arch nemesis for 30 plus years and there is no way I will ever root for them to win even if they had to suffer through Hurricane Katrina and Drew Brees mullet combover much less his Frank Beamer growth on the side of his face. Plus they got that cheating a-hole in Reggie Bush. No way will I ever root for the Aint's. With that being said why the fuck did you put out this garbage song Prince? You are better than this. I will choose to remember Purple Rain and those two twins in your videos that you probably banged harder than a Mexican at a construction site. It's already hard to root for the Vikings with Brett Favre leading them so you don't need to fuck it up for me anymore Prince. You just embarrassed Jared Allen for Christ's sake. You know how impossible that is? The guy rocks the mullet and jorts with pride but shakes his head in disgust with this garbage "Purple and Gold" song. Leave the gay fight songs to the Tennessee Volunteers. After all it's all they got now with Lame Kiffin bullshitting in South Central.

Thank you and God Bless!

Prediction: Vikings 35 Saints 24

FANTASTIC START TO THE WEEKEND

I've been having writer's block all fucking day, actually all week, and have been trying to think of something to write about worth a shit. So I start writing about college football recruiting because I figured it would be somewhat interesting with it less than two weeks away and everybody on the messageboards freaking out about where teenagers are going to be spending their next 3-5 years in college. Unfortunately the article went to shit because I hear two massive cleaning trucks causing a Haiti in my neighborhood. I look outside and figured the county finally stepped up to the plate and decided to clean our roads of all the leaves and debris left over from fall. Shit if I was wrong. Instead there is dog shit, literally, flung all over the streets and driveways. Awesome! Nothing like going outside to step into some recycled shit. It's like a retarded monkey by the name of Dick Ebersol ran around the neighborhood and decided to fling his pooh around and see what sticks. So I guess I should start a telethon or something for my neighborhood. Haiti doesn't have anything on us. Doesn't anybody know how I can contact Bono? I'm sure he could come up with a catchy tune about "The shit stained streets of Courtland Oaks Drive!" At least I'm not trying to sell the SportsCrack mansion any more. Property values just went to shit again.

(I thought you would enjoy the picture of soft serve more than actual pooh)

QUICK THOUGHTS ON MEL KIPER'S MOCK FIRST ROUND

I know it's still 3-4 months away from the NFL Draft but I figured what the hell? We don't have anything better to do than to take a look at the king of NFL mock drafts right now in Mel Kiper with baseball still a couple of months away and the NFL conference championship games this weekend.

Team Player Pos. College

1. St. Louis Ndamukong Suh DT Nebraska

2. Detroit Gerald McCoy DT Oklahoma

3. Tampa Bay Eric Berry S Tennessee

4. Washington Sam Bradford QB Oklahoma

5. Kansas City Russell Okung OT Oklahoma State

6. Seattle Derrick Morgan DE Georgia Tech

7. Cleveland Joe Haden CB Florida

8. Oakland Anthony Davis OT Rutgers

9. Buffalo Jimmy Clausen QB Notre Dame

10. Denver Dez Bryant WR Oklahoma State

11. Jacksonville Jason Pierre-Paul DE South Florida

12. Miami Rolando McClain LB Alabama

13. San Francisco Trent Williams OT Oklahoma

14. Seattle C.J. Spiller RB Clemson

15. N.Y. Giants Carlos Dunlap DE Florida

16. San Francisco Earl Thomas S Texas

17. Tennessee Everson Griffen DE USC

18. Pittsburgh Brian Bulaga OT Iowa

19. Atlanta Sergio Kindle LB Texas

20. Houston Brian Price DT UCLA

21. Cincinnati Aaron Hernandez TE Florida

22. New England Ricky Sapp LB Clemson

23. Green Bay Taylor Mays S USC

24. Philadelphia Navorro Bowman LB Penn State

25. Baltimore Jermaine Gresham TE Oklahoma

26. Arizona Dan Williams DT Tennessee

27. Dallas Bruce Campbell OT Maryland

28. San Diego Jonathan Dwyer RB Georgia Tech

29. N.Y. Jets Golden Tate WR Notre Dame

30. Minnesota Patrick Robinson CB Florida State

31. New Orleans Jared Odrick DT Penn State

32. Indianapolis Brandon Graham DE Michigan

I completely agree with his first 3 picks of Suh, McCoy, and Berry. You honestly can't go wrong with any of those guys and I believe those are your safest first round draft picks although I do have some doubts about Gerald McCoy in comparison to Suh and Berry. His pick of Sam Bradford at #4 with the Redskins is a bit puzzling. If the Redskins go QB I think they pick the best player in Jimmy Clausen. Bradford is coming off a bad shoulder injury and while he put up some amazing numbers at Oklahoma he had a hard time recognizing defenses especially when they had delay blitzes. Clausen on the other hand played his whole junior season with broken ligaments in his big toe on his planting foot and is the most accurate QB in the draft. He endured 3 years of playing in a pro-style offense under Charlie Weis and matured into a leader this past season. I have my doubts about Clausen being a great NFL QB because of his mobility and pocket presence but in terms of arm strength, accuracy, and the ability to lead teams to come from behind victories I would have to take him over Bradford. Clausen is the safer bet in my opinion.

The Seahawks taking Derrick Morgan of Georgia Tech doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The Seahawks need a QB (Hasselbeck is done) and I believe they will take one of either Bradford or Clausen if available. I've watched a lot of Georgia Tech football and while I think Morgan will be a good pro he does take plays off and there is no way I would take him that high in the draft. Mid to late first round would make more sense. Joe Haden to Cleveland is a good pick and he is without a doubt the best cover corner in this draft. I would love to see Haden in a Falcon's uniform this year but there is no way he slips down to #19. Speaking of the Falcons I like the pick of Sergio Kindle. Falcons have a need at outside linebacker and Kindle could be a beast in the NFL when he isn't smashing cars into apartments.

Kiper has the Bengals taking the first tight end in the draft at #21 in Aaron Hernandez. This would be great news for the Baltimore Ravens because then they could draft the better tight end in my opinion with Jermaine Gresham of Oklahoma at #25. Hernandez and Gresham will both be solid tight ends in the NFL but I like Gresham's height advantage (at 6'6 he has a 4 inch advantage on Hernandez) especially in the red zone.

My man Golden Tate would be a steal for the New York Jets at #29. Golden is a Steve Smith/Hines Ward clone and would be a perfect fit with the Jets. He could step in and run some wildcat while being a great slot receiver for Sanchise to throw to. He also is a hell of a punt returner and he is one of the hardest guys to tackle one on one in this draft.

No Tim Tebow or Colt McCoy in the first round which makes sense. Both guys played in a spread offense in college with tons of talent around them and they will both need time to develop their games for the NFL. I do think one or maybe both of them can play in the NFL and prove their skeptics wrong. Tebow has to work on his mechanics (too big of a windup) and if QB doesn't work out the guy would make a hell of a Wildcat/H-Back/Tight end in my opinion. Colt doesn't have the greatest of arm strength but he is extremely accurate with his throws. Give him some time and he can eat you up much like Sam Bradford.

The Colts are getting a steal if Brandon Graham of Michigan lasts till the end of the first round. Personally I think he is better than Morgan, or at least he was in college when I watched him play, and would be an excellent compliment now as well as an eventual replacement for Dwight Freeney down the road.

Looking at the USC guys I can't argue with Everson Griffen at #17 with the Titans. The guy is a freak and if he can stay healthy he could bring back memories of Jevon Kearse in Nashville. Taylor Mays at #23 with the Packers could be a bust. For all the hype he received in college the guy didn't produce a lot. Sure he can lay out people with hits and all that but his coverage skills blow and his tackling is average.

So what are your thoughts? Any sleepers we should consider as steals or guys you think will be absolute busts? I want to hear it so go ahead and leave some comments. In English is preferable.

BRADY QUINN AND JIMMY CLAUSEN AUTOGRAPH NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL

This is a one of a kind piece for the die hard Notre Dame football fan. You can not find this anywhere else besides SportsCrack.com. In fact it's the only one. I got it priced at $225 so it's first come, first serve on this incredible football. The white panel is full sized and stitched. The flawless autographs of Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen both pop on this pristine football.

Order it now and check out our STORE this month as we unveil some more collectors items including Derek Jeter, Golden Tate, Reggie Bush, Ken Griffey Jr. and others at well below market value.

LANE KIFFIN IS NOT A GOOD DRIVER

I can't help but stare in amazement to this .gif that LSUfreek created. Outstanding job. This has Michael Bay written all over it.

THE BUFFALO BILLS ARE JOKING RIGHT?

Seriously Bills? Just move to fucking Toronto already and stop bothering us with this Chan Gailey BS...

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- Chan Gailey was hired by the Buffalo Bills on Tuesday, getting a second chance to prove himself as an NFL coach and inheriting a team that has missed the playoffs for 10 straight years.

Gailey was introduced by general manager Buddy Nix at a new conference which ended a two-month search to replace Dick Jauron, who was fired in November. Gailey takes over a team that finished 6-10 and becomes the Bills' fifth coach since Marv Levy retired after the 1997 season.

Yeah I know that nobody with a pulse wants the job but getting Chan Gailey is on par with settling for Monique on prom night. Nobody fucking wins and all you do is embarrass yourself. Except I'm pretty sure Gailey shaves his legs.

COACH PETE CARROLL NOT BEING FUNNY SKIT

I didn't laugh one time. And who is the douchebag fan and why does he keep getting roles in Hollywood? His humor escapes me. He just yells. Pow! Pow! Cataline Wine Mixer! Pow! In the face! Pow! He is a new version of Dane Cook without the potholes.

MIKE GREENBERG AND ESPN ARE RACISTS

Not really but I'm sure they won't be able to live this down after Mike and Mike's host Mike Greenberg let a little slip of the tongue on live air yesterday...

Now I demand all the people who are too lazy to get real jobs to go picket in front of ESPN Headquarters in Bristol, CT immediately. Now, now, now!!!! ESPN has a dream of taking away your freedom to not work and get paid for it and everyone deserves an apology from them. Oh wait, Greenberg issued an apology. Here it is:

I just came home from the Knicks game and found out about the mess that was created by my garbling a sentence on our show this morning; I apologize for not addressing it sooner.

And I'm sorry that my talking too fast - and slurring my words - might have given people who don't know our show the wrong impression about us, and about me.

I feel horrible about that, because nothing could be further away from who I am and what our show is about.

I would never say anything like that, not in public, or in private, or in the silence of my own mind, and neither would anyone associated with our show, and I'm very sorry that my stumble this morning gave so many people the opposite impression.

Damn, I was hoping to see pitch forks and torches tearing up the World Wide Leader. It was my dream.