THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T BET ON SPORTS

Lesson be learned kids. Once you make a bet on sports you are "going down" a slippery slope....a very dark one. Black to be exact.

ERIN ANDREWS DOES THE FOXTROT

These two just need to stop with the games and just release a sex tape. Seriously. The sexual tension is unreal. If Erin Andrews wants her career to go beyond ESPN she needs to strip down and start doing the horizontal shuffle in between the sheets on camera. It's the American way. You can do it Erin! It's all about making your dreams come true. Or mine. Whatever.

MONDAYS SUCK BUT THIS SHOULD CHEER YOU UP

HAPPY SLAPPY MONDAY! I went 0.0 on my Final Four picks and have absolutely no chance of even finishing in the top 15. Fuck it. We always have boobies!

THIS HOCKEY COACH HAS HULK LIKE TENDENCIES

Isn't it ironic the coach's name is Jim Playfair? With that kind of last name you know he has been getting shit his whole life. It comes with the territory. All those incessant chants from childhood he suppressed and bottled deep down in his soul finally exploded. In other words don't fuck with guys with a last name consisting of FAIR. You might unleash their inner demon. Just saying.

Video HT: Jeff

THE JASON HEYWARD AKA J-HEY KID ERA BEGINS

David O'Brien of the AJC was the first to report today that the Jason Heyward era in Atlanta is officially beginning on April 5th. Let the legend begin...

The date is March 26, 2010 and it’s one to remember. J-Hey Kid made it to the majors.

Jason Heyward was called into manager Bobby Cox’s office about 8:45 a.m. on Friday morning in Braves camp and told he would be on the Opening Day roster.

“I said ‘I’m delighted to tell you that you’re on the team, Jason, simply because it makes us a better team,’” a beaming Cox relayed Friday morning from the Braves dugout.

Heyward will be the Braves starting right fielder on Opening Day. As chipper as Cox sounded, Heyward was just as cool.

“Not surprised, not relieved,” Heyward said when asked for his reaction, after batting practice. “It’s just says ‘Let’s go.’ I’ve got less than a week’s time to get ready for the season.”

“It was cool,” Heyward said. “It was awesome. Never experienced it before. It won’t happen again. It was a great feeling.”

Heyward automatically makes the Braves a much better team on Opening Day. The Braves outfield last season was one of the worst in the majors when it came to offensive production. Jeff Francoeur was a disaster and shipped up to Flushing Toilet New York and Garrett Anderson was at best a streaky hitter playing his final days of his once distinguished career. With Heyward you get the most highly touted and hyped hitter to come up to the majors since A-Rod and Griffey Jr. As a 20 year old the 2009 Minor League Player of the Year will be expected to produce immediately. This is Bobby Cox's farewell season and the whole Braves organization is hoping to send Bobby off in style by making the playoffs. To make the playoffs the Braves will need to score a lot more runs then they did last season and The J-Hey Kid will be a major reason for or against them making it for the first time since 2005.

Either way Opening Day in Atlanta should be exciting. The Lovable Losers come to town in what should be a standing room only crowd at The Ted. The J-Hey Kid Era begins. Now that will put a smile on your face if you are a Bravos fan.

FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES

HT: Kevin

THE RANT WRITER

I never knew this guy wrote the Joe Namath "I wanna kiss you!" rant. I thought Namath was actually drunk that night. Amazing. The writer's name is Charlie Hoard and he might be my hero...

Gamechangers Ep. 1: The Rant Writer from Ty Burrell

JOSH SMITH BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE

If you don't get chills then you are a fucking ra-tard. Josh Smith just broke the Orlando Magic's back with this slam. The playoffs are right around the corner. J-Smooth and company are going to the Finals. Fuck Lebron. Fuck Dwight Howard. And definitely fuck the Boston Celtics.

URBAN MEYER SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL

So much for Florida head coach Urban Meyer taking some time off to get himself better. Orlando Sentinel beat writer Jeremy Fowler touched a nerve with Meyer when he quoted Gators receiver Deonte Thompson on the differences between Tim Tebow at QB and the new guy, John Brantley:

"You never know with Tim," Thompson said. "You can bolt, you think he's running but he'll come up and pass it to you. You just have to be ready at all times. With Brantley, everything's with rhythm, time. You know what I mean, a real quarterback."

Apparently putting a quote that is more than likely out of context into a newspaper per verbatim is fighting words for Urban. You know what? I kind of like it. Don't get me wrong, Urban is an asshole for calling Fowler a "bad guy." But I believe his players (I was going to say student-athletes but this is big boy football in the SEC and students be damned) and their parents can respect Urban for sticking up and protecting their boys even when there is no evidence of attacking. Players want to play for a guy who has their back. Urban has their back....side. Sorry I couldn't resist the childhood humor.

Is Urban a dick? No doubt.

Is Urban a liar? For sure.

Is Urban a great coach? The best in college football in my opinion.

By the way was it just me or were you hoping Fowler would have a follow up question for Urban to completely blow his gasket. Something condenscending like this: "Urban what does your doctor think about you acting like a complete douchebag in front of the media?"

Here is hoping Fowler is one of the ten people who actually reads this blog and follows up with Urban. This video of Urbie's meltdown is why blogs were created. Thanks Urban!

ERIN ANDREWS ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

Is there any doubt that Maksim Chmerkovskiy has nailed Erin Andrews in every way possible by now? I mean that is the whole reason why you get on the show right? To nail your partner is priority one. Second priority is the fame involved in it. Sex wins. Always.

"Another valuable lesson for the kids. You are welcome."-Tiger Woods

I WONDER WHO TOLD TIM TEBOW TO STFU?

PROFOOTBALLTALK.COM has this great story from the Scouting Combine...

As we've mentioned once or twice, quarterback Tim Tebow's habit of openly expressing his religious beliefs could potentially rub folks the wrong way, especially in a locker room of grown men who choose to keep their beliefs to themselves, who don't share his beliefs at all, and/or who only want to hear "God bless" after they have sneezed.

We're told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow's group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: "Shut the f--k up." Others players in the room then laughed.

Now that is some funny shit. Listen, I understand some people have strong feelings about their religion. But don't bring your religion into sports and force it onto others. I always got uncomfortable right before a game when some of my teammates would ask me to join in a prayer. The thoughts that raced through my head go a little like this: "Dude, God doesn't give a shit about you or this team. Let's just play some damn ball!" But then of course I never had the balls to say this out loud because I'm a pussy. But whomever told Tebow to "Shut the fuck up!" deserves a pat on the back or at least a fist bump because they said exactly what all of us wanted to say but just didn't have the courage because of fears of religion persecution.

After all, just because the Bible is the greatest selling fiction book of all-time doesn't mean I'm going to start mapping my sports life around it.

MIKE HOLMGREN HATES JIMMY CLAUSEN

New Cleveland Browns GM Mike Holmgren is a huge fan of mustache rides but not Notre Dame quarterbacks. First he trades away Brady Quinn to the Denver Broncos and now he shits all over the notion of Jimmy Clausen being a Brown...

As for the second-ranked quarterback in the draft, Jimmy Clausen of Notre Dame, Holmgren was characteristically honest.

"I wish I liked him more," he said. "You know how you have a type of player that you like? It's not scientific. People like him a lot. He'll go high. But it would be hard for me [to take him]."

Apparently Holmgren is in love with Sam Bradford but thinks he goes #1 to the Rams. I'm sorry but I don't see the fascination with Bradford. He's coming off surgery to his THROWING SHOULDER and played almost exclusively out of the shotgun at Oklahoma. The kid is going to take some time to recover from both. I have my doubts with Clausen too but I think at this point he is the safer bet. Jimmy may be an asshole but so are a lot of QB's. I met Joe Montana once on Notre Dame's campus and he seemed like a prick to me. But guess what? It doesn't matter because Montana won Super Bowls. I'm not saying Clausen is going to win big time in the NFL because God knows he didn't win shit at Notre Dame but the kid has an edge that Bradford doesn't. He's been through the shit and got hammered at ND for every little thing and still he put up an amazing season in 2009 without a consistent running game or pass protection.

But honestly who gives a shit. The Rams are going to take Sam Bradford at #1. Hilarious.

TIGER WOODS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH ESPN

Well after watching this I think we can all safely assume that Tiger Woods is a victim of spousal abuse. Elin beats the shit out of him. Tiger is in denial. It's sad. Poor guy. No wonder he stuck his Buddhist dick in so many orifices...."GET IN THE HOLE!"

AL HORFORD SAYS "HOW'S MY SHIT TASTE TIM DUNCAN?"

The Atlanta Hawks clinced a playoff spot last night with a 114-109 victory over the San Antonio Spurs. Hawks power forward Al Horford made sure Timmy Duncan knew who's ass to kiss once the playoffs start. That is right folks. The Hawks are going to come out of the Eastern Conference this playoff season and take on either the Los Angeles Lakers or Denver Nuggets in the Finals How do I know this you ask? Because mother fuckers I got mad skillz at predicting future bball champions. Take for instance the NCAA Tournament. I had Kansas winning the whole thing. And last time I looked they were going to beat the shit out of Northern Iowa in the second round. Ain't no fucking way they lose to a bunch of pasty Iowa ballers.

So just go ahead and put your life savings on the Hawks. You earned it.

OBAMA REACTS TO HEALTH CARE REFORM

For $10 co-pay I can get a fat joint and some pot brownies and a sticker? DUDE, sign me up!

GOTTA LOVE MARCH MADNESS!

I mean how can you not love this shit? Unless of course you took Vandy to go to the Final 4 then you should be able to sit at the edge of your seat and enjoy it. My picks so far have sucked balls but the key is my one Final 4 team is still alive in Baylor. I don't know anybody who took Baylor so I'm riding their shit to help me win my pool.

TIGER WOODS IS A DIRTY TEXTER

South Park was fucking hilarious last night. They tackled the Tiger Woods issue right on. I mean how many of us guys would seriously go around fucking everything in sight if we had a shitload of money and fame? Not this guy I tell ya (wife breathes heavy on shoulder, chills creep up spine).

Anywho, since all of us "normal" guys are angels I thought we could take a look at some of the dirt Tiger spews on his Blackberry, or Blasianberry as I call it. Here is just some of the sext messages Tiger Woods sent to porn star Josyln James before he got caught....

Tiger:Sent: 11: 08 PM 08/23/2009:
I like when you do that to me
Tiger:Sent: 11:11 PM 08/23/2009:
Ditto sexy
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/28/2009:
Maybe in two weeks in chicago
Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad
Tiger:Sent: 03;29 PM 08/29/2009:
Now:)
Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
Tiger:Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no
Tiger:Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me
Tiger:Sent: 03:56 PM 08/29/2009:
You do. Need more of it
Tiger:Sent: 03:59 PM 08/29/2009:
of you
Tiger:Sent: 04"02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009:
Whatever else turns you on
Tiger:Sent: 04:43 PM 08/29/2009:
You tell me what you like
Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
You are. Always will be. Don't trust people
Tiger:Sent: 04:48 PM 08/29/2009:
But you still have not told me what turns you on
Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp
Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around
Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more
Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
Tiger:Sent: 09:20 AM 09/03/2009:
Was playing sexy
Tiger:Sent: 04:17 AM 09/04/2009:
Maybe you can fly out to chicage on monday night and leave early wed
Tiger:Sent: 04:23 AM 09/04/2009:
I land at 930 or 10 monday night
Tiger:Sent: 11:57 AM 09/04/2009:
Great. What time so you land
Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 09/04/2009:
I land at the earliest at 8 and the latest will be 10
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 09/04/2009:
Midway
Tiger:Sent: 01:42 AM 09/07/2009:
I cant wait to see you as well. What time do you land again
Tiger:Sent: 03:15 AM 09/07/2009:
You are going to be headed to the hyatt lodge. 2815 jorie blvd oak brook, il 60523. Phone 630 990 5800
Tiger:Sent: 11:38 AM 09/07/2009:
Did you get my text with all the info
Tiger:Sent: 11:41 AM 09/07/2009:
I will text you the room number when i get there. Im still in boston
Tiger:Sent: 11:43 AM 09/07/2009:
I have to check in to get the room
Tiger:Sent: 11:44 AM 09/07/2009:
I should get there before you anyways
Tiger:Sent: 12:27 PM 09/07/2009:
In about 3 hours
Tiger:Sent: 12:30 PM 09/07/2009:
I will be there before you for sure
Tiger:Sent: 12:35 PM 09/07/2009:
You just make sure you take care of me when you get here
Tiger:Sent: 06:28 PM 09/07/2009:
Great
Tiger:Sent: 06:30 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when your about 20 out i will order dinner. And what would you like to eat
Tiger:Sent: 06:33 PM 09/07/2009:
I am pretty tired after today. I am going to go to sleep early
Tiger:Sent: 06:53 PM 09/07/2009:
How close are you
Tiger:Sent: 07:09 PM 09/07/2009:
What do you want to eat
Tiger:Sent: 07:10 PM 09/07/2009:
Anything simple
Tiger:Sent: 07:12 PM 09/07/2009:
No turkey unless it's a club sandwich
Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/07/2009:
How close
Tiger:Sent: 07:38 PM 09/07/2009:
Head to the elevators and go to 334. Thats your room. The door will be open with the dead bolt. I have to get back here to wait for the food. Im in room 358.
Tiger:Sent: 07:42 PM 09/07/2009:
Let me know when you are in the room. Food just got here
Tiger:Sent: 07:47 PM 09/07/2009:
Sweet. Dont come down here yet. Lots of people in the hall. I will let you know when it clears
Tiger:Sent: 08:16 PM 09/07/2009:
Are you close to being ready
Tiger:Sent; 08:32 PM 09/07/2009:
Come on down. Its quiet here in the hall now
Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:
There is a room service cart in my hall. Be careful
Tiger:Sent: 08:35 PM 09/07/2009:
Room358
Tiger:Sent: 09:59 PM 09/07/2009:
Make it ok
Tiger:Sent: 10:01 PM 09/07/2009:
Ok. Lights out. Good night sexy
Tiger:Sent: 08:49 AM 09/08/2009:
Hope you slept as good as i did. I just woke up which is un heard of
Tiger:Sent: 10:23 AM 09/08/2009:
So when can i have that ass again
Tiger:Sent: 12:40 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be back in a couple hours
Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)
Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity
Tiger:Sent: 01:30 PM 09/08/2009:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you
Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight
Tiger:Sent: 02:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Maybe
Tiger:Sent: 03:38 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be over in 10mins
Tiger:Sent: 03:40 PM 09/08/2009:
Why dont you come over here now instead
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 09/08/2009:
Enter thru room 360. Its next door
Tiger:Sent: 03:42 PM 09/08/2009:
Hurry so i come in that ass
Tiger:Sent: 03:54 PM 09/08/2009:
Let me know when you leave your room
Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/08/2009:
You felt amazing to baby. How much was your flight by the way
Tiger:Sent: 07:35 PM 09/08/2009:
Having a few issues at home. Might be a little later before i see you tonight
Tiger:Sent: 07:39 PM 09/08/2009:
Parent hood melt down:)
Tiger:Sent: 08:01 PM 09/08/2009:
How much was your flight
Tiger:Sent: 05:03 AM 09/09/2009:
Shit i fell back to sleep. just woke up. I have to leave in about 15 mins. I tee off at 700
Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this
Tiger:Sent: 05:44 AM 10/01/2009:
I know that. Thats why i wont do that.
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
Baby im not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I'm not losing that. You have to understand people love to tal
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
k about me. sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. I have learned to just roll with it no matter how much it upsets me when its not true. My life is a
Tiger:Sent: 06:02 PM 10/01/2009:
fish bowl
Tiger:Sent: 10:40 AM 10/04/2009:
Guys from dubai. Investors. So my agent being suggested that we go back to my room at the mansion for lunch. He doesnt know about us, obviously
Tiger:Sent: 11:31 AM 10/04/2009:
This has been a total shit trip. Im sorry i fucked up last night. And this shit. We will get it right next time so we can spend more time together.
Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything
Tiger:Sent: 12:07 PM 10/04/2009:
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

WHAT IS PROTOCOL?

Is it okay to just mail it in the rest of the day, go down to the local watering hole, and get piss drunk on St. Patty's?

I have no problem doing it since I work for myself but I'm wondering what the 9-5 working folk do on this holiday. Since we got the start of March Madness (letter from the NCAA is on the way as we type to cease and desist all references to March Madness) tomorrow I figure most sports fans will decide to pull the "I got chlamydia from a girl last night and I can't come into work" excuse so they can watch it. I guess if you were smart you would have saved those vacation days for this week. There is the lesson kids. Always plan ahead if you want to get drunk and watch sports without fear of losing one's job.

SPORTSCRACK MARCH MADNESS POOL

Our annual SPORTSCRACK MARCH MADNESS POOL is open and free to everyone. Winner gets $50 in SPORTSCRACK.COM merchandise.

Go to funofficepools.com , click JOIN A POOL at the top, pick March Madness 10 under Pool Type, type in SPORTSCRACK MARCH MADNESS POOL in all caps for the Pool Name, there is no password, and then your selection name.

Good luck!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! HAVE YOU SEEN THE LEPRECHAUN?

Shit never gets old. I've seen the "Leprechaun in Mobile" Youtube video probably 21,325,432 times and I still crack up every single time. Why change tradition right? I hope everybody has a very drunk and safe St. Patty's Day. Stay away from the green beer and stick with the Jameson, Guinness, and Smithwick.

Go Irish!