Shit Baseball Players Say

Not bad. I would like to add:

-It's so fucking hot out here.
-Catch the fucking ball.
-Don't be an asshole, run that shit out.
-Pick it bitch.
-My balls are swollen.
-I can hit this fucker.
-Don't worry they got a bunch of black players on their team.
-Kid has a cannon.
-Turn it.
-Move up in the box.
-ROCKET FIRE!
-Holy shit this guy throws slower than Jaime Moyer.
-Back in the day I used to play with ____.

Feel free to add your own in the comment section.

Tampa Slugger Evan Longoria Is Hitting Clean Up With Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson

I know it's gotta suck to be Tampa Bay Rays 3B Evan Longoria. Not only does Evan have to play baseball for money and suffer the humiliation of getting paid millions but now he has to deal with dating a charity case like Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson. I mean look at her! All busted up. Poor guy. You know it's not just the millions of American families out there suffering because the middle class keeps shrinking it's the ball players who have to face the adoring attention of having to stuff a Playboy bunny every other night. I feel bad for Longoria. I hope he can get through this tough time.

I'm praying for young Longoria.

Anywho back to pictures of his road beef...

Lighting Farts With David Alan Grier

Lighting Farts with David Alan Grier - watch more funny videos

Maybe it's because I have the mind of a 12 year old but farts are never not funny. The fact that David Alan Grier made a music video about lighting farts is gold in my book. I've got charred crack hair for memories of a childhood lost but never forgotten. Thanks David for the laughs.

Kate Upton Completely Nude

Granted you really can't see shit, well at least the important parts, of Kate Upton here in the magazine Muse (some fashion magazine bullshit) but that isn't going to stop me from posting it. It's my duty to get this young 19 year old that nobody has ever heard of some attention she deserves. I'm all about charity here folks. The charity of KAPOOW!

Kapoow=pageviews.

Via WWTDD

K-Swiss Blades By Kenny Powers

K-Swiss Blades by Kenny Powers - watch more funny videos

There are 3 things that an athlete needs to succeed: talent, strippers, and speed. Put all 3 of those together and you got Blades. A fucking crazy looking K-Swiss shoe that gives Patrick Willis the power to tackle wildebeests. That shit is real. And if people were wondering who would replace the late great Steve Jobs in terms of creativity and vision I think we all know who the answer is: Kenny Mother Fucking Powers.

Now go buy some Blades. And while you are at it go buy some SportsCrack shit. Don't be a dick. Do it. You know you want to.

Blake Griffin Dunks Over Multiple Nuggets

Great dunk and all Blake Griffin but I'm still pissed you couldn't cover the 9 vs the Nuggets last night. Sure you won by 8 but that doesn't do shit for me bro. You got to cover the spread before I start calling you a superstar. Yes the dunks are nice and you get hacked more often than Shaq did in his prime but if you want to be up there with the true legends you have to cover spreads for ole Fairchild. Jeremy Lin and the Knicks easily covered the 7 vs the Hawks last night. Mike Brey and his overachieving drunk leprechauns easily covered the 3 vs West Virginia last night too. If you want me to put you up on a pedestal like Brey and Lin then you gotta cover. Don't be a selfish asshole. Do it for me. Actually more importantly do it for my daughter. It's your fault I have to recycle diapers.

Thanks!

Degenerate

Jeremy Lin - Superior Lintellect Video

Is it bad that I raughed the whole time watching this Honey Badger-esque "Lintellect" video? Yeah I get it. I'm feeding into stereotypes about Asians being really good in arithmetic. We all know that's not wight.

Now go buy this Linsanity shirt!

Missouri Tigers Fan Enjoys Polishing The Knob

Little Mizzou brat just showing up ESPN's own brat in Doug Gottlieb with the old fake polishing knobs move. Come on kid. You need some new material. Now go back to your meth lab and try not to blow up anything.

Davonte Neal Signs With Notre Dame

Notre Dame's 2012 class is finally done with the announcement that 5 star prospect Davonte Neal has signed after a day full of drama. Earlier today a press conference was scheduled inside Neal's elementary school where he was expected to announce his decision between Notre Dame and the home state Arizona Wildcats. Neal never showed up. FoxSportsArizona.com scrambled to give some good explanation of Neal's absence and the best they could come up with 3 weeks after National Signing Day is that Neal still had not made up his mind. Rumors surfaced there was a struggle between Neal's father who wanted him to go to Notre Dame and Davonte who wanted to stay close to home and go to Tucson.

At this point who knows what the truth is?

What we do know is Notre Dame just picked up a tremendous playmaker on offense who has the chance to make an immediate impact in the fall. On tape Neal reminds me a lot of Golden Tate when he came out of high school in Nashville. Both are around the 5'9, have good balance, great speed, and can break tackles with tremendous leg strength and are special teams standouts. For my money I think Neal will be the best player in Notre Dame's 2012 class. The kid has superstar written all over him and I would expect head coach Brian Kelly to use him immediately in much the same way he used Marty Gilyard at Cincinnati.

Kate Upton Says Good Morning From Australia

How would you like to be the guy in charge of dusting out the sand out of her vagina? Yeah I know. What a disgustingly degrading job that must be. Women don't know how easy they have it.

Bill Raftery Screams "Onions" To UCONN's Shabazz Napier's Game Winning 3

Apparently Bill Raftery's screaming basketball orgasm includes fetishes with onions. I don't know whether to laugh or hide in a corner. But one thing I do know is I love the passion Raftery displayed and with March Madness right around the corner I'm looking forward to some more "ONIONS!" and "SEND IT IN BIG FELLA!" calls.

Video via TheBigLead

Saturday Night Live Does A Linsanity Open

Bar Refaeli and Chris Paul On A Trampoline

I've been told to stop the video at the 1:57 mark. I don't know why. Can you tell me?

I'm kind of surprised Chris Paul isn't more cut up. Bar looks ok but I'm really disappointed in Paul. You are a professional athlete. You shouldn't have baby fat or love handles. I'm sure it doesn't matter as there is little doubt Paul has been penetrating the lane despite Bar's zone defense if you catch my drift. What I'm trying to say is they definitely fucked. Body language doesn't lie.

Video via Ball Don't Lie

Jeremy Lin's Top 10 Plays

Ok this is it for a while with the Jeremy Lin stuff. The kid again led the Knicks to their 7th consecutive win with 13 assists last night. You can see his confidence is through the roof right now as it should be. Carmelo better not fuck it up come Sunday. I got thousands of LINSANITY shirts on the line here ya know? Daycare, diapers, and scotch doesn't pay for itself so don't go ball hogging Melo.

Donate to the Fairchild family fund by buying a LINSANITY Shirt today. Or you can buy one of our other kickass shirts. Either way my kid and crumpled up liver would be thankful.

Kate Upton Just Straight Up Killing It With Her Dance Moves

The SI cover girl is on a fucking rampage. Kate Upton could end wars. And probably start some. But anyway who gives a shit? Look at those dance moves! Just straight up killing it like Jeremy Lin.

Jeremy Lin Does It Again With Game Winning Shot...Linsanity Continues

This is turning into the best sports story in a long, long time. Jeremy Lin has gone from a player who wasn't recruited out of high school, wasn't drafted out of college, and was cut by two NBA teams to a NBA Legend. It's LINSANE! Last night Lin went for 27 points with 12 coming in the 4th quarter including this game winner 3 in the final second. It's a story of perseverance and ultimately it's the ultimate underdog story. Sort of like watching a real life Rudy. I'm not a New York fan by any means but I can't help but root for this kid. Lin is the guy that nobody gave a chance and now he is proving so many people wrong. It's a great story and I hope it continues.

Order your LINSANITY T-Shirt here...

Happy Valentine's Day

Our "friends" Rosie Jones and Kaylee Carver would like to personally tell you Happy Valentine's Day. Now go open your presents. Remember kids...VD is the gift that keeps on giving.

Via Egotastic

Russell Westbrook's Dunk Nearly Causes Reggie Miller And Chris Webber Dunkgasms

Holy shit that was an unbelievable dunk from the Thunders Russell Westbrook and as you can tell by TNT announcers Reggie Miller and Chris Webber they had both dunkgasms. You usually don't witness or hear dunkgasms outside of Slam Dunk Contests so maybe this was a premature dunkgasm.

By the way the Thunder went on to lose to the lowly Kings. I know it doesn't really matter but when you have money on the Thunder winning it is kind of big fucking deal. Assholes.

LINSANITY New York Basketball Shirts Now For Sale!

Taking preorders now on LINSANITY Shirt. 100% pre shrunk charcoal cotton tee with distressed screen printed graphic on the front. Shirts start shipping February 13 so get your orders in today. Limited quantities.

Evgeni Malkin with the beautiful spin-o-rama shootout goal

I got to be completely honest with you. I have not been following much hockey this year. It still pains me to think we lost our team here in Atlanta because of shitty ownership. I guess it still hurts a lot. Scratch that. It hurts a fucking ton plus I don't have any team to root for. But what I can root for is sick goals and this one by Evgeni Malkin brings back fond memories of Denis Savard with the Blackhawks and Canadians.