Kate Upton In Another Commercial: MLB 2K12 With Justin Verlander

Rated E for erection might be the best Youtube comment of all-time. It just hits the nail in the head.

Via Darren Rovell

This Would Be The Perfect Sports "Crack" Commercial

I mean does it get any fucking better? You know if I actually made money and wasn't scraping by on government cheese I would definitely make a commercial like this for SportsCrack. Some model just going around cracking stuff with her ass. It's Marketing 101. Shit we would probably be making more money than that dickhead who invented 5 Hour Energy. Who cares about having energy when you could be wearing a SportsCrack t-shirt that will get girls cracking nuts in their backside? It's fucking genius I tell you. First model to send in a video of her cracking nuts while wearing a SportsCrack shirt gets a free shirt and a thank you email. Ok shit I'll do two free shirts. I swear my generosity has kept this company from reaching it's ultimate goal: world domination.

The New Marlins Park Has An Aquarium Behind Home Plate

When I first heard the Marlins new stadium was going to have an aquarium behind home plate as the back stop I imagined something way over the top with an actual marlin or sailfish swimming around in a frenzy. Maybe it was all the drugs that still sweat out of my body to this day but now I am not nearly as excited after seeing this video posted of the aquarium. I mean there is no fucking way we are going to see the fish in the background when Hanley Ramirez decides not to run out a grounder in April. I'm sure they planned out the glass to be bullet proof but what if a foul ball somehow manages to hit a weak spot in the glass and it shatters? All in all though I think it's a cool feature and makes the new Miami Marlins stadium unique from others.

What isn't cool about the new stadium is the tacky home run feature that looks like it was designed by the production designer of The Birdcage. If you are going to go over the top go with the aquarium and not this monstrosity in the outfield.

J.P. Arencibia Does a Great Tim Kurkjian Imitation

Did you know that J.P. Arencibia is the only Blue Jay with the initials J and P to ever do an imitation of a current or non current ESPN MLB Analyst in the history of Canada and the WORLDDDDD! You just don't get it. I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.

Minnesota Wild's Devin Setoguchi Is Graceful At Shootouts

Watching Devin Setoguchi during the shooutout of last night's game vs Montreal brought back distant memories of Mike Modano and other past Minnesota greats who could take the puck and do magical things with it.

And then get shot before taking an actual shot.


Via HoldOutSports

MLB Wild Cards Expanding This Season

According to Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports Bud Selig has gotten his wish to expand the playoffs from the current 8 teams to 10 teams starting this season. From my understanding is two teams will have a one game playoff to determine who advances to the Wild Card stage. What it would have meant for last season is we could have seen the Atlanta Braves and Boston Red Sox continue their epic collapses for another game. I'm not really a big fan of expanded playoffs because the season is already way too long. They need to shorten the season and start it earlier while finishing it before October.

Baseball interest has been going down for years. Start spring training in February and the season in early March when sports is in it's doldrums. Do 144 games for the regular season. Have the playoffs start in September. If you want to expand the playoffs to 10 teams then fine but please start the season earlier. Once football is over it's excruciating trying to wait for the boys of summer to put on the cleats.

My new rules if I were in Bud Selig's shoes:
1) Spring Training 4 weeks starting in beginning of February.
2) 144 regular season games starting in early March.
3) Designated Hitters in both leagues.
4) 12 teams max make the playoffs.
5) Strict salary Cap with a max of $125 million and a minimum of $75 million. Whomever goes OVER or UNDER is not eligible for the playoffs and will lose revenue and draft picks. Make it strict!
6) And for shits and giggles no more 100 pitch counts just because I hate the pitch count. Arms shouldn't be measured by pitch count. It should be measured by MRI's.
7) MLB baseball takes ownership of the Baltimore Orioles, Pittsburgh Pirates and Los Angeles Dodgers because of incompetent ownership with a fair market value deal and sells it to someone who is willing to invest in their product.

Daytona 500 Highlights

A bunch of left turns, some wrecks, and some rain delays. Damn I can't believe I missed the excitement. Maybe next year I will actually give a shit.

2012 Top NFL Free Agents Predictions

NFL free agency begins March 13th and this year there are some huge names who could be switching uniforms. Unfortunately some of the biggest names will probably stay with their current team because they are too fucking good to just let them walk away. It's like having a good woman. You are not going to just let her walk away because you know it isn't going to get better without her rocking your shit every night.

1) Drew Brees-Don't worry New Orleans you are not going to lose Brees. Even at the age of 33 Brees continues to get better and is an elite QB who more than likely will have a bust in Canton. There is no way the Saints let him go. He will get a 6 year deal for over a $100 million with about $30 million in signing bonus.

2) Ray Rice-Rice has been dynamite in Baltimore and at the age of 25 still has at least 3 great years left on his tread. Like Brees I can't see the Ravens who run a great organization letting their best offensive player leave. The Ravens are trying to lock up QB Joe Flacco and it could effect how much they can give Rice. I say Rice resigns for six years at around $60 million with $20 million in signing bonus.

3) Mario Williams-Mario is coming off an injury and actually didn't contribute to the Texans first playoff run last season. Plus Houston doesn't have much cap room. Thus I see the Texans not resigning him. The Atlanta Falcons needs a pass rusher and Williams is the perfect fit especially with John Abraham leaving. Atlanta will sign him to 5 year contract for $65 million with $30 million in signing bonus.

4) Arian Foster-The Texans will lose Mario Williams because they will have to resign restricted free agent Foster. Foster is the focal point in the Texan's offense and will get paid accordingly. Foster will resign with Houston and get a similar deal to what Rice got with Baltimore: 6 years around $60 million. $20 million signing bonus.

5) Carl Nicks-Nicks is the best free agent guard when it comes to both pass blocking and run blocking and when you have a valuable piece like Brees to protect I find it very hard to believe the Saints will let Nicks go. Someway, some how the Saints will find cap room and resign Nicks although I am holding out hope he ends up in Atlanta. 8 years for $70 million. $25 million in signing bonus.

6) Matt Forte-Forte isn't staying in Chicago. Too much bad blood there especially since they didn't renegotiate his deal before his injury. The Bengals need a back and Forte would be a great fit. 4 year deal for $50 million. $22 million in signing bonus.

7) Cortland Finnegan-Finnegan is the top corner in the market and is just itching to get out of Tennessee. He seems like the type of player that Dallas would go after plus they need help in their secondary. The Cowboys will get their man with a 5 year deal for $48 million. $25 million in signing bonus.

8) Ben Grubbs-While losing Finnegan to free agency will hurt the Titans will gain a valuable guy to block for Chris Johnson in Baltimore free agent Grubbs. The Titans will sign Grubbs for 5 years at about $40 million. $14 million in signing bonus.

9) Cliff Avril-The Lions are one of the top up and coming teams in the NFL and Avril was a sack machine last year. The Lions have room to resign him and will do so. 4 year deal for $50 million to stay in Motown. $19 million in signing bonus.

10) Calais Campbell-The Cardinals want to resign Campbell but I don't think he wants to stay out west. The Hurricanes product is just entering his prime and the Dolphins have a need for a defensive end. In a way Campbell comes home and gets paid to be a professional athlete in the lovely city of Miami for the second time in his career.

Kate Upton Destroying Mankind With This Hardee's Commercial

Hardee's just hit a walk-off grand slam with this Kate Upton commercial. I think I honestly blacked out there for a while. This might be the greatest commercial ever. Fuck it. This IS THE GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER!!!

Via HotClicks

Sacha Baron Cohen vs Ryan Seacrest

Trying to watch the Oscars is about as enjoyable as plucking your mole hairs but this shit Sacha Baron Cohen did to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet was kind of funny. The amount of free advertising and publicity Cohen got for his new dictator movie for pulling this stunt is priceless. But the question everyone wants to know is who are those girls? I new dictators could get some good side pieces but those girls are super model quality. Someone needs to find out asap.

Ryan Braun Is Full Of Shit

Ryan Braun just pulled a Rafael Palmeiro. Listen I don't know Ryan Braun. I have never talked to him nor am I a Brewers fan. But I can tell he is lying.

There is no reason for MLB to go after one of their young superstars in Braun who is coming off a MVP season. He simply failed the test and got off on a technicality. There is a specific reason why MLB is pissed off. They know Braun's urine sample came out positive and it was through the roof by more than 3 times the highest level on record since they began testing.

Braun got off. He failed the test plain and simple. Every time I look at the Hebrew Hammer I can't help but think of Palmeiro in front of Congress. You can deny it all you want but there is no "boogeyman" tainting star ball players urine samples.

So either Braun is lying or some secret organization is out to "taint" Braun's reputation with a failed drug test. You be the judge.

Pearl Jam Sings "Jeremy Lin"

Yeah I know I promised I would stop with all the Jeremy Lin posts but shit, what else is there to talk about? Football and baseball are both not in season. Linsanity is basically the only interesting story happening right now in the sports world. I guess I could talk about Ryan Braun's winning appeal of a positive PED test but I have no idea what to believe or not in that whole case. Anyways Jimmy Fallon does a really good Eddie Vedder here and nails his newest hit "Jeremy (Lin)." Last night Lin had his worst game as a starter with as many turnovers as points (8) and the Knicks got smoked by the best team in the NBA in Miami. But all is not lost my friends. I had the Heat covering the 9 points.

Shit Baseball Players Say

Not bad. I would like to add:

-It's so fucking hot out here.
-Catch the fucking ball.
-Don't be an asshole, run that shit out.
-Pick it bitch.
-My balls are swollen.
-I can hit this fucker.
-Don't worry they got a bunch of black players on their team.
-Kid has a cannon.
-Turn it.
-Move up in the box.
-ROCKET FIRE!
-Holy shit this guy throws slower than Jaime Moyer.
-Back in the day I used to play with ____.

Feel free to add your own in the comment section.

Tampa Slugger Evan Longoria Is Hitting Clean Up With Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson

I know it's gotta suck to be Tampa Bay Rays 3B Evan Longoria. Not only does Evan have to play baseball for money and suffer the humiliation of getting paid millions but now he has to deal with dating a charity case like Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson. I mean look at her! All busted up. Poor guy. You know it's not just the millions of American families out there suffering because the middle class keeps shrinking it's the ball players who have to face the adoring attention of having to stuff a Playboy bunny every other night. I feel bad for Longoria. I hope he can get through this tough time.

I'm praying for young Longoria.

Anywho back to pictures of his road beef...

Lighting Farts With David Alan Grier

Lighting Farts with David Alan Grier - watch more funny videos

Maybe it's because I have the mind of a 12 year old but farts are never not funny. The fact that David Alan Grier made a music video about lighting farts is gold in my book. I've got charred crack hair for memories of a childhood lost but never forgotten. Thanks David for the laughs.

Kate Upton Completely Nude

Granted you really can't see shit, well at least the important parts, of Kate Upton here in the magazine Muse (some fashion magazine bullshit) but that isn't going to stop me from posting it. It's my duty to get this young 19 year old that nobody has ever heard of some attention she deserves. I'm all about charity here folks. The charity of KAPOOW!

Kapoow=pageviews.

Via WWTDD

K-Swiss Blades By Kenny Powers

K-Swiss Blades by Kenny Powers - watch more funny videos

There are 3 things that an athlete needs to succeed: talent, strippers, and speed. Put all 3 of those together and you got Blades. A fucking crazy looking K-Swiss shoe that gives Patrick Willis the power to tackle wildebeests. That shit is real. And if people were wondering who would replace the late great Steve Jobs in terms of creativity and vision I think we all know who the answer is: Kenny Mother Fucking Powers.

Now go buy some Blades. And while you are at it go buy some SportsCrack shit. Don't be a dick. Do it. You know you want to.

Blake Griffin Dunks Over Multiple Nuggets

Great dunk and all Blake Griffin but I'm still pissed you couldn't cover the 9 vs the Nuggets last night. Sure you won by 8 but that doesn't do shit for me bro. You got to cover the spread before I start calling you a superstar. Yes the dunks are nice and you get hacked more often than Shaq did in his prime but if you want to be up there with the true legends you have to cover spreads for ole Fairchild. Jeremy Lin and the Knicks easily covered the 7 vs the Hawks last night. Mike Brey and his overachieving drunk leprechauns easily covered the 3 vs West Virginia last night too. If you want me to put you up on a pedestal like Brey and Lin then you gotta cover. Don't be a selfish asshole. Do it for me. Actually more importantly do it for my daughter. It's your fault I have to recycle diapers.

Thanks!

Degenerate

Jeremy Lin - Superior Lintellect Video

Is it bad that I raughed the whole time watching this Honey Badger-esque "Lintellect" video? Yeah I get it. I'm feeding into stereotypes about Asians being really good in arithmetic. We all know that's not wight.

Now go buy this Linsanity shirt!

Missouri Tigers Fan Enjoys Polishing The Knob

Little Mizzou brat just showing up ESPN's own brat in Doug Gottlieb with the old fake polishing knobs move. Come on kid. You need some new material. Now go back to your meth lab and try not to blow up anything.