Lane Kiffin To Bama Deserves a New The Beverly Hillbillies Song

What in the fuck was Nick Saban thinking?

Lane Kiffin?

Seriously?

People don't intentionally try to get AIDS or Cancer but here we are in 2014 and Saban has just infected his program with Kiffin.  It's the most deadly disease known to football.

Those poor inbred cousins down in Tuscaloosa have no fucking clue what they are getting into with Kiffin.  And don't even start with the "well he was a great coordinator with USC" bullshit.  The Trojan's roster was full of Heisman winners and All-Americans.  Gene Chizik and Larry Coker could have one done wonders with those players too.

In all honesty I have to thank Saban for hiring Kiffin.  It's going to be pure entertainment down in Tuscaloosa.  Saban is letting his ego get the best of him thinking he can turn anything into gold and shit maybe he does shine the shit off of Kiffin's turd of a coaching career but I seriously doubt it.

Image via @Nick_Pants

CSN Introduces The New Chicago Cubs Mascot Clark Who Apparently Is Packing Heat

You might want to put some pants on that Cub.  100 plus years of losing baseball and still Clark the Cub is packing some serious heat.  Good for him.  Bad for the kids.

Deadspin did a great job with Clark.  You might as well make him anatomically correct if he's not gonna have any pants on.

Great Hockey Fight: Mike Brown vs Aaron Volpatti

Talk about some haymakers!  Holy shit these two goons exchanged some bloody blows.  It looks like Mike Brown of the San Jose Sharks got a little bit of the upper hand in this exchange with Aaron Volpatti of the Washington Capitals.  I'm going to make Gretzky bleed!!!!

Great Prank: Devil Baby Stroller in NYC

These videos always have me cracking up.  Just seeing someone scared shitless is funny.  Imagine if they filmed this animatronic devil baby prank in Texas instead of New York City.  That fake baby would have bullet holes all through it.

Tina Fey Knocks It Out of the Park With This Golden Globes Introduction of Leonardo Dicaprio

"Like a supermodel's vagina, let's please give a warm welcome to Leonardo Dicaprio" - gold Jerry, gold!

Thank you Tina Fey!  You gave the whole audience a laugh out loud moment while causing Martin Scorcese to almost shit himself on national television.  You have to love Leonardo too.  You know he is just going to lay it into Fey and Amy Poehler later after he gets done banging every single model in attendance.

Broncos Fan Wearing a Peyton Manning Jersey Gets His Ass Kicked in San Diego

Hey I get you were very excited to win a playoff game.  But if you are a Denver Broncos fan wearing a bright orange Peyton Manning jersey in San Diego it's probably not smart to go running around amongst Chargers fans shouting "Hey San Diego, Go Fuck Yourselves!"  It's funny in "Anchorman" but it sure as shit isn't funny when you are getting your 300 lb ass kicked and then arrested.

Peyton Manning's #1 Priority is Bud Light

Well you got to love the honesty.  Peyton Manning is one of the all-time greats.  He's also has a losing record in the playoffs and despite having a Super Bowl in his back pocket has a huge monkey on his back.  So yeah if Peyton wants a fucking Bud Light at the end of the huge playoff win he will get it.  Especially now that he knows he has Tom Brady and the Patriots coming to town he's has to feel parched.  You know the folks over in Golden, CO are fucking pissed right now.  Peyton just bitched slap Coors in the face with his St. Louis love.

January 9th 2013 Was Not a Good Day for Notre Dame

The BCS Era is finally dead but it seems like Notre Dame's horrible January luck will continue to reign supreme.  It's been 20 years since the Fighting Irish had a good first month of the New Year and after yesterday it could be another 20 years.

Here is a rough time line of the shit hitting the fan in South Bend.

Image via UHND

LEADING RETURNING RECEIVER DAVARIS DANIELS SUSPENDED FOR SPRING
Davaris Daniels caught 49 passes for 745 yards and seven touchdowns in 2013 but won't be catching shit this spring other than study time after being suspended for a less than stellar GPA.  Ahh the joys of playing at an actual academic institution.  Daniels was expected to be QB Everett Golson's (another player suspended last season for academics) #1 target and really only proven receiving commodity other than TE Troy Niklas (shit we will get to him later) returning.  Now it's up in the air.  Yes he can return if he gets his grades back in order but as a rising senior this shouldn't even be an issue at this point in his collegiate career.  Players like Daniels need to be leaders especially at a position at WR where they are extremely green.  No Spring Game for Daniels means players like Chris Brown and CJ Procise as well as freshman wideouts Corey Robinson, Will Fuller, and James Onwuala will have to build some trust with Golson as he returns.

DT TOP RECRUIT MATT DICKERSON DECOMMITS, GOING TO UCLA
Well at least this news broke before signing day and not 3 months after.  UCLA again poached a valuable ND recruit at a position where they struggle mightily to get quality numbers in defensive tackle.  Last year it was freshman All-American Eddie Vanderdoes and this year it's another Northern Cali prospect in Matt Dickerson.  Dickerson like Vanderdoes is citing family issues for flipping to UCLA and wanting to stay closer to home.  This is understandable but both players are still a 5-6 hour drive from UCLA to their respective homes.  In other words it's more BS.  Oh well move on right?  I mean defensive tackles are just rushing to get into Notre Dame now that Louis Nix is going first round to the NFL right?  Fuck no.

NOTRE DAME SWITCHING TO UNDER ARMOUR
This is just a personal preference and not an indictment on Notre Dame.  I just am not a fan of Under Armour.  And yes I'm from Maryland originally but I think UA gear is overpriced and overrated.  No offense but offense to my Maryland peeps.  Supposedly ND picked UA over Nike after deciding to let their Adidas contract run out.  A lot of recruits and fans were not happy with the decision.  They bitched and moan about it on Twitter and Facebook.  I was also one of those fans.  I don't want to protect this house.  I want Nike and field turf and a fucking video board in the stadium in 2014.  But none of these things look like they will happen.  Awesome.

Image via UHND

TROY NIKLAS DECLARES FOR NFL DRAFT

This was the final dick kick I needed before going to bed late last night.  Presumed to be returning tight end Troy Niklas aka Hercules aka build himself into a 1st round pick in 2014 aka what the fuckity fuck are you doing declaring for the NFL draft?  I've had some time to rethink this and if I was in Niklas size 15 shoes I would have come back for my senior season and strive to make myself the best tight end in the nation but I can also see leaving early.  Football careers are short and concussions are extremely dangerous.  Niklas has the later already.  You gotta get your money "legally" while you can and after talking with Tyler Eifert and others Niklas made his decision.  At least he told Brian Kelly about it unlike Stephon Tuitt who went straight to the media.  No way to sugar coat it but losing Niklas and Tuitt are tremendous losses.  Physically no one can replace those two on the roster.  But hey look on the bright side at least Notre Dame plays a shit schedule like Ohio State...oh wait...nevermind.

And last but not least I've heard some grumblings about Kelly and the NFL.  At this point nothing would surprise me.  With so many players jumping ship and academics taking away elite talent I'm not so sure Kelly returns in 2014.  At this point they are just rumors but until Notre Dame or Brian Kelly come out and announce his new offensive coordinator (?) and defensive coordinator (Brian VanGorder) I'm going to prepare myself for the worst.  Because make no mistake losing Kelly would be devastating.  And no Gruden is not walking through that Golden Dome door nor would I want him.

Texas A&M Makes a Fitting Tribute Video for Johnny Manziel Titled "Thank You Johnny Football"

I'm not even going to lie.  College football is a lot more boring without Johnny Fucking Football.  Whether you love him or hate him you gotta at least respect his "on the field" game.  Manziel can flat out ball.  I think I'm in the minority of people who think he will succeed at the next level.  Johnny just has it.  And by it I mean chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HPV.  In all seriousness Johnny is a leader and a college football legend.  The Aggies were just a run of the mill Big 12 team before Johnny came along. In two seasons he almost took them to the mountaintop of the SEC by himself.  If the Aggies had any defense we would be talking about Manziel as the best player since Herschel.  That's not hyperbole.  It's the truth.  Plus Manziel is as much a player off the field as he is on it.  He's the new Joe Namath without the porn stache.  I'm sure the notches on his belt in College Station were legendary and one can only imagine what kind of pull he will have in a new NFL city.  He's going to be a top 10 pick and part of me wishes my Atlanta Falcons would trade Matt Ryan for draft picks, draft Johnny, and grab some defensive studs with a late first/early 2nd round.  I want the JFF show to come to Atlanta permanently.  He's got more talent than Ryan and a hell of a lot more personality.

As a college football I want to Thank You Johnny Football.  College football needs polarizing figures like Manziel because lightning only strikes so often.  You gotta enjoy the spark while it lasts because before you know it it will be gone.

Blast From The Past: Chicks Dig The Long Ball Commercial Featuring Hall of Famers Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine

In the end Atlanta Braves teammates Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine got the last laugh.  Hall of Fame Bitch!  Where you at Big Mac?  Probably crying in your pillowcase filled with Heather Locklear's gray pubes.

By the way where the hell was Smoltzie?  He must not have been a Nike guy.  It's the only thing I can figure out.  As great as Maddux and Glavine were the one pitcher you wanted on the mound for Game 7 was Smoltz.  It's not even a question.  Smoltzie will get his Hall of Fame plaque next year along with the Big Unit and Pedro.

Video of FSU Football Team Return To Tallahassee Makes Me Hate Them Even More

Is it just me or does it look like when FSU gets off the bus they just lost the game?  Jesus Christ guys you could at least smile and thank the fans a little bit.  You just won a fucking National Championship!

Jameis didn't rape anybody on the bus did he?  Bad Jameis.  Bad Bad.  Now go to your room.

What a bunch of entitled pussies!  They could give two shits about their fans chanting like Seminole savages and cheering them on as they are welcomed home.  Nope.  They just want to get their paycheck and call it a day.

I didn't think it was at all possible but now I feel bad for FSU fans.  At least other schools players have an appreciation for them.  It's like they went to go pick up their girlfriend at the airport only to find out she brought back her "friend" who's been nailing her on the side.  These FSU players look like they just found out Santa wasn't real.

Maybe they are just still in shock they beat a SEC school.  Yeah that must be it.  Fuckers.

The Worst Bad Beats of the 2013 College Football Season

Only degenerates like myself would understand the pain of what this feels like when you have a bet that's going to pay off only for it to be jerked away from the hands of a bookie.  This 2013 College Football season was especially painful.  Those mortal locks we thought were 99.999% fool proof slipped through the cracks.  It can take the pleasure of a victory away when your team doesn't cover the shitty 7 points it needed but instead won on a last second field goal.  Sweet we won but I also lost my hookers and blow retainer.

Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine and Frank Thomas Elected To Baseball Hall of Fame

Congratulations to Atlanta Braves teammates Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine along with Chicago White Sox slugger Frank "Big Hurt" Thomas for being elected first ballot to Cooperstown. All 3 of these guys deserved to be elected and were all clean of PEDs in my opinion. I of course have fond memories of Maddux and Glavine growing up in Atlanta in the 90's with those two along with the greatest Atlanta Braves pitcher in my mind John Smoltz forming a ridiculous rotation at the top for Bobby Cox's crew. The Big Hurt was one of my favorite players who didn't wear a Braves or Orioles uniform and I can still remember meeting him as a kid and getting his autograph. The Big Guy was one of the nicer guys I've met along with Ozzie, Cal and Smoltzie.


PS if anybody doesn't think Craig Biggio did steroids along with Jeff Bagwell then I'm sorry but you are either a blind Houston Astros fan or an idiot. It wouldn't have bothered me too much if Biggio got in because he has never tested positive but the eye test doesn't lie. Biggio only fell a couple of votes short of election so there's a good chance he gets in next year.


The three elected join managers Bobby Cox, Joe Torre, and Tony LaRussa as the first 6 living inductees since 1971. Odds are LaRussa will bring one of his cats to give his HOF speech.

We Brought Back A Classic Design...The Shamrock Series 5 REDEMPTION Navy Shirt!

What's new is old and what's old is new.

This classic design called the "Shamrock 5 Series" shirt brings back a ton of fond memories for us.  We came up with this design back when we started SportsCrack in 2005.  Now after a tough 2013 season we are looking for REDEMPTION in 2014.

What better way than to bring back #5 to save the day?  Bigger, tougher, stronger and ready to show the world 2012 was no fluke.

Get the one and only Shamrock 5 Redemption shirt today!

Brent Musburger Brought His A Game Last Night, Introduced Himself as Kirk Herbstreit

Do Lee Corso, Lou Holtz, Verne Lundquist, and Brent Musburger all have the same agent?  All 4 of these college football horses should have been put out to pasture years ago yet here they are...still fucking up on national television.   Granted I love them all and television is entertainment so I can see why TV execs continue to push them on the viewers.  I'm just wondering when one of them will show up in nothing but ladies underwear, jacking it on live television after an all night blow fest.  Don't laugh.  It's going to happen.  My money is on Corso.  He looks like a blow and hookers type of guy.

Red Lightning Was Certifiable Cougar Bait Last Night

“@SBNationCFB: #unconquered RT @_WSBG: Red Lightning living pic.twitter.com/eC5SJDKW2V” he's cougar bait
— SportsCrack Apparel (@sportscrack) January 7, 2014

Arguably who is more famous right now: Jameis Winston or Red Lightning?

Well it's obviously Jameis since he has a Heisman Trophy and now a National Championship after last night.  But Red Lightning is creeping up real quickly.  That curly haired freckled ginger snap is all the rage right now.  And as you can see from last night he played the victim of Cougar bait.  His shirt wide open Miami Vice style while the cougars swarm in by the smell of his red pubes.  He's simply irresistible.  Red Lightning is a Dos Equis commercial come to life.  God speed bro!  Conquer the night you soul less spawn of Devil semen you...

Does The "99" Tattoo on Paulina Gretzky Qualify as a Tramp Stamp?

Granted the Great One's daughter didn't get his famous number "99" tattooed above her ass in the time honored traditional spot for a tramp stamp but does the left hip qualify as the minor leagues of tramp stamps?  Maybe I need to ask Wayne what he thinks.  He must be honored.  Also I think Joe Cool lost a couple of his toes inside her bottom.  Chances are 99% of men have lost stuff in there.

FSU FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES 2013 Limited Edition BCS National Champs Wilson Official Leather F1005 Football

Congratulations go out to the Florida State Seminoles for ending the SEC run of dominance last night with an amazing come from behind victory in Pasadena!

We are getting 5 of these limited edition footballs in stock direct from Wilson.

2013 Limited Edition FSU Seminoles BCS National Champs Official Wilson NCAA Leather Football.

Pre-order today. 

Expected Ship date Feb 6th.

All of this product is Made in the USA from start to finish.
The Official Football of the NCAA®.
Official size and weight.
Top quality leather cover.

Tim Tebow's ESPN Debut Was Not Gay At All

Good lord Jesse Palmer why don't you just get on your knees and suck him off while you are at it.  There is a good reason why Tim Tebow is a virgin.  His "homeostasis" radar is through the roof.  You went to your hotel room and had a circle jerk for 3 hours Tebow?  That's nice but please don't share that story ever again.  I need to go take a cold shower now because Tebow was straight fire.

By the way does anybody really think Auburn has a chance tonight?  On paper it looks like a total mismatch vs FSU but then again all 4 of the BCS games have been won by the underdog.  UCF was a 17 pt dog to Baylor and crushed them.  Oklahoma was a 16.5 point dog to Bama and throttled Saban and his crew.  Sparty was a touchdown dog to the Nerds and won the Rose Bowl.  And last but not least Clemson was 3 pt dogs to Ohio State and won the Orange Bowl.  So could Auburn pull a huge upset as 10 point dogs in Pasadena?  I just don't see it.  But then again no one thought War Eagle would even be near this game after a disastrous 3-9 season.

I just want to see a good game and see who Brent Musberger undresses with his eyes and words while giving so and so's girlfriend her long awaited 15 minutes of fame.  My money is on Johnny Football's latest road beef, Lauren Hanley.

Charlie Strong Rides Into Austin Blazing Saddles Style

LSU freek nailed this one directly on the head.  Hilarious.  Texas fans were hoping for Jim Harbaugh only to be disappointed with Charlie Strong when he rides in "Blazing Saddles."

In all seriousness this is a home run hire for Texas.  Strong is a great coach as well as recruiter who has tremendous ties in the state of Florida.  He crushed it in Louisville leading them to two bowl victories with beat downs against Florida and Miami with more talent than his Cardinals team.  Now imagine what he can do with Texas and their resources.

Brand new Don't Mess With Strong vintage style t-shirts are now available for PRE ORDER here.