I'm not talking about boxers, hockey players, football players. rugby, lacrosse or whatever contact sports that you play where there is a good chance you could lose a tooth without one. I'm talking about the fucking basketball players and baseball players who chew on them for no god damn good reason. We get it Steph Curry. You are a great shooter. But why in the hell do you need a mouth guard? Why does Orioles starter Kevin Gausman insist on chewing on the damn thing after every half inning? I imagine a pacifier was too gay for them so they went with a mouth guard for "safety" reasons.
Well unless it's from Detroit and wears the silver and blue. This young boy would have seen his life flash by faster than Barry Sander's career but thanks to the power of glass he's no longer dinner. Just don't go jumping inside the cage. We wouldn't want to have to kill the animal because your parent was too busy Tweeting about one of the monkeys throwing their own feces.
A lot of people including myself are underestimating how good Notre Dame could be this season. I think it's because of the way the season ended with a heart-breaking last-second loss to Stanford to eliminate their playoff hopes and then following that up with the curb-stomping they took vs Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl.
But make no mistake ND returns a ton of firepower to team 128 with as much depth as any in 20-plus seasons.
Let's take a look at the positions and hand out some preseason grades:
It starts off with the quarterback position. This is the most talented and deep the QB position has been at ND since I can remember. All 3 QBs could be starters at 90% of other schools. Redshirt freshman Deshone Kizer stepped in for the injured Malik Zaire in the 2nd game of the season and led them to 9 victories with narrow losses to Clemson and Stanford not really his fault. Zaire will battle him for the starter's job and brings a 3-0 career starting record including wins vs LSU and Texas. Brandon Wimbush might have the best arm but the plan for now is to redshirt him since they failed to do so last year because of Zaire's injury. ND has a great problem to have right now at the QB position and it's similar to what Ohio State was facing last year with JT Barrett, Cardale Jones and Braxton Miller. (PRESEASON GRADE: A)
The running back position returns starters Tarean Folston and Josh Adams. Folston is coming off a game one knee injury but is expected to be fully recovered for summer practice. Adams, "the majestic gazelle" as I call him, comes off a record-setting freshman season in which he averaged over 7 yards a carry. Also returning is highly thought of Dexter "Juice" Williams who along with Folston and Adams forms a treacherous trifecta of galloping horses in the backfield. The four horsemen should be alive and well this fall with contributions also coming from Justin Brent and perhaps from one of the incoming freshmen. (PRESEASON GRADE: A-)
A concern for ND going into the season is how to replace the electric WR Will Fuller. Fuller had an incredible knack to make the big play at crucial situations and his combined 29 TD catches the past two seasons often were 40 plus yards. Combine his loss along with Chris Brown and Amir Carlisle and ND is looking at a whole new starting crew at the WR position. The good news is they have plenty of talent, just unproven at this point. Look for breakout performances from Torii Hunter Jr. and Equanimous St. Brown. I expect both to combine to replicate the numbers Fuller and Brown put together last year. A slew of talented sophomores (Corey Holmes, CJ Sanders, Miles Boykin) and freshman (Kevin Stepherson, Javon McKinley, Chase Claypool) sprinkle the depth chart to which should burst as the season heats on. The TE position returns starters Durham Smythe (returning from knee injury) and sophomore Alize Jones who could become a Tyler Eifert-type weapon especially in the red zone for whomever is throwing the ball. Nick Weishar and Tyler Luatua provide starting quality depth on the 2nd/3rd string for what has solidified Tight End U. (WR/TE PRESEASON GRADE: C+)
The offensive line lost starters Ronnie Stanley, Nick Martin and Steve Elmer. None of them will be easily replaced in terms of starts but ND is flushed with talent, size and depth thanks to line coach Harry Hiestand. The next great offensive lineman/first round talent appears to be Mike McGlinchey who will be moving from right-to-left tackle to replace Stanley. "Big Mike" has a meaner streak in him than Stanley and it wouldn't be surprising to see him develop into a NFL top 10 pick also. The tools and build are all there for him. Just to McGlinchey's right is another player in Quenton Nelson who is also a tough SOB who can pancake his fair share of interior linemen. With McGlinchey and Nelson on the left side Kizer will not have to worry about his blind side. Center is a question mark with Sam Mustipher edging out Tristen Hoge early on as Martin's replacement. On the right side of the line you have Hunter Bivin at guard and Alex Bars at tackle. Along with QB the depth on the offensive line is unmatched with plenty of underclassmen ready to step in if injuries occur. I fully expect ND to control the line of scrimmage throughout the season. (OL PRESEASON GRADE: B)
The standard motto of "defense wins championships" will again be tested by a ND group which loses a ton of starters at every level on the field.
The defensive line loses captain DT Sheldon Day and DE Romeo Okwara. Nobody can replace Day's infectious play and motor. But luckily ND has plenty of bodies including the likes of Jarron Jones, Jerry Tillery, Daniel Cage among others ready to make a huge impact in the run stop game. One huge hole for the Irish has been getting to the QB with pressure from the defensive end position. For ND to compete with the big boys and a playoff spot they need likely captain Isaac Rochelle and Andrew Trumbetti to take the next step up and produce sacks/pressures/turnovers. To often in recent years the opposing QB has had plenty of time to pick apart a defense because his pocket was protected. If Rochelle, Trumbetti, Jones and Cage all live up to their potential this defensive line could be the best since 2012. It's a big if though. (DL PRESEASON GRADE: C+)
Captains and starters Jaylon Smith and Joe Schmidt are both gone but the linebacking crew in my opinion could be more productive this season. ND relied so heavily on Jaylon to make big plays and be all over the field and Schmidt to make "the right calls/reads" on defense that opponents both game planned away from Jaylon while targeting Schmidt. And let's be honest the defense last year was pretty bad if not down right shitty at times. The one returning starter is at the SAM position in senior James Onwualu. I think Onwualu has the ability to have a huge senior season. He's shown he can get to the QB and with the right schemes I think he has a tremendous season. Nyles Morgan is another breakout performer waiting to happen as he finally starts at middle linebacker. All of the preseason practices have been nothing but adulation from observers for the highly touted Morgan. In my mind and a lot of other ND fans we are both extremely giddy to see Morgan start at the MIKE position. At the WILL position we have Te'von Coney and Greer Martini battling it out for the starter's role. Redshirt freshmen Asmar Bilal and Josh Barajas should also see significant time on the field and could compete for a starting position this summer. With Onwuala, Bilal, Morgan, Martini, Coney and Barajas I expect the linebacker position to be the surprise of the 2016 season. (LB PRESEASON GRADE: B)
The secondary much like the linebacking core loses two starters but I think it will also be better in 2016. At the safety position you have do-it-all Drue Tranquill back from another knee injury, this one while celebrating vs Georgia Tech. Before the injury Tranquill was having a solid season and the ND defense looked a lot faster and smarter with him in there. Fingers crossed he has a healthy season because I think he could be ND's best strong safety since Harrison Smith. At the other safety position you have an early enrollee freshman in Devin Studstill. Studstill is a true ballhawk at the free safety position and was a tremendous recruiting steal for Brian Kelly and his staff from the state of Florida. All reports on Studstill have been so positive that he's jumped senior Max Redfield on the depth chart. While many think that's being used solely by the coaches to motivate Redfield I honestly think Studstill is the better player overall and will be starting week 1 in Austin, TX. With Redfield and six-year senior Avery Sebastian as the backups ND has to hope they can stay injury free at the safety position because there is a tremendous drop off in experience behind them with 4 incoming freshman. The starting corners will be Cole Luke and Shaun Crawford. Luke had a difficult 2015 season but should turn in a good senior season. Crawford is a redshirt freshman coming off a knee injury (I know shocker right?) but has been graded by observers and media personnel as one of if not the most talented secondary players in the Kelly regime. (SECONDARY PRESEASON GRADE: B)
The kicking game returns both starters in placekicker Justin Yoon and punter Tyler Newsome. Yoon hit 15-17 field goal attempts, a lot of them pressure-packed, during an outstanding freshman season. Newsome averaged over 45 yards per punt and was great with directional punts to pin opponents inside the 20 yard line. Both Yoon and Newsome are legit All-American candidates with 3 years of eligibility left. (KICKING PRESEASON GRADE: A+)
FINAL PRESEASON REPORT CARD: A+ - KICKING GAME A - QB A- - RB B - OL, LB, SECONDARY C+ - WR, DL
Some guys just have all the luck. Tom Brady is one of the guys. Dude is packing a baby arm while canoodling with young lassies on the golf course. Bravo Tom Brady. Bravo.
First off we need to thank the inventor of yoga pants. I'm too lazy to look it up but you, whomever it may be, single handedly have created something as valuable as air conditioning. Yoga pants are an instant mood changer and have saved millions of lives while also destroying trillions of man swimmers. Second off I don't give a shit if this Callie Bundy throws like she is shot putting a bean bag. She has way more accuracy than Reggie Ball or any Nebraska QB for that matter could ever dream of. And she also looks extremely hot doing it. You don't think Calvin Johnson would have come back for another season on the Flats if Bundy here was throwing him the rock? Absolute no brainer and it's probably what was the ultimate downfall of Chan Gailey at Tech. And now since Nebraska has dog shit for a QB I suggest they recruit the hell out of Bundy. Give her all the yoga pants she could ever want. Make her the next Kathy Ireland of college football. It's up to you Mike Riley. Don't fuck it up.
No lie I think my whole body just orgasmed. I'm seeing spots. I just blacked out listening to legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully recite James Earl Jones famous "Field Of Dreams" People Will Come speech. Throw in clips of Jackie Robinson stealing home, Ozzie Smith doing his flip, Cal Ripken Jr. saluting the crowd and I'm surprised I'm not dead by now. Baseball is as American as it can get and on this Memorial Day weekend I'm fortunate I get to take my son Camden to a baseball game and pass on my love for the game to him.
— ArmyWestPoint Sports (@GoArmyWestPoint) May 14, 2016
I believe this is a first in SportsCrack history. Drum roll please. Zip up those pants captain. Yes, we got ourselves a softball post. Holy shit we just made history. Women can play sports too!
All sarcasm aside this jump move by Army's Kasey McCravey over the Lehigh catcher has got to be the best non slide ever. I don't usually get impressed but myself and the other 99.99% of people reading this would have no shot at all jumping over the catcher. It would be a disaster even trying it. I'm positive a bone would have come popping out somewhere if I attempted to jump over the catcher. And she didn't even get touched while reaching back with the sneaky tag of home plate!
No lie I have the biggest bulge in my pants just watching this right cross from Texas Rangers' second baseman Rougned Odor stun resident douche bag Jose Bautista. I've been waiting years, decades, for somebody in baseball to finally have the balls and throw a punch and actually land one in a fight. Odor finally got one and to top it all off it landed right on Bautista's fat fucking face. The only thing that would have made this better is if it was David Ortiz's face. But beggars can't be choosers so thank you Odor. You are a baseball God in my book.
I thought Mormons didn't say curse words. Granted Bryce Harper is no normal Mormon by any stretch but that's not very nice to say "fuck you" to the home umpire. Umpires have feelings too Bryce. Apparently this umpire is very sensitive because he ejected you for disagreeing with Espinosa's strike zone. Maybe next time you run out with some "Make Baseball Fun Again" hats and some ultra absorbent pads for ole Blue. For sure that will get him on your side.
Well you can go ahead and ring the bell now because the race for the Presidency is officially over! The one and only Lou Holtz aka Win One for the Spitter has given his official "endorfes" for Donald Trumf as the next "prethadent" of the United "Thates." This pretty much locks up Indiana for Trump and seals the Republican nomination.
That is hot shit right there folks! The Running Man dance has come back strong in 2016. The Maryland Terps basketball team restarted the trend and now it's moved all the way to the left coast.
310 feet through the air. 310 fucking feet. Are you kidding me? Yasiel Puig just made one of the best throws I've ever seen getting Rockies Trevor Story out at 3rd base from deep right center. Puig's throw basically hit 3rd base so Justin Turner didn't have to move his glove. Who says baseball isn't exciting? You try to throw a pisser like that.
You know I've always thought of Stanford's head coach David Shaw as a bit of a douche prick and this quote pretty much confirms it. One part of me loves the complete honesty especially in today's BS PC culture where you got to walk on eggshells not to offend anybody. But Shaw is basically calling Southerners, one of which I am, idiots who couldn't get into Stanford. Well yeah. I can't get into Stanford. Fuck. He's right. Fuck you Shaw.
By the way imagine if a white coach said this? The media would tear his ass apart. Like if Brian Kelly said this he would be called a racist asshole. But since Shaw said it they kind of just sweep it under the rug and say "well he's got a point."
With Crush Davis's 3-run blast to dead center off Red Sox closer Craig Kimbrel the Orioles sit atop the standings with a Baltimore franchise record 6-0 start.
If you recall many if not all of the "experts" predicted the Orioles to finish dead last in the AL East. The same squad who since 2012 has the best record in the American League. The same team who returned basically everybody with the best coach in the senior league in Buck Showalter. But yeah those "experts" seem to know what they are talking about when they predict the Orioles to win 69 games.
I almost feel bad for all the baseball sabermetrics nerds who continue to shit on the Orioles. They strike out too much they say. They don't have high OBPs. They don't have good WHIPs and blah blah blah. Who gives a shit is what I say. Their whole lineup can hit the 3-run homer as witnessed yesterday in Boston as Mark Trumbo and Davis hit them vs the Red Sox's high priced acquisitions in David Price and Kimbrel.
I'm not saying the Orioles are going to run away with the division since we are only in the first week of the season. It would be downright foolish to think the Yankees, Sox, Rays and Blue Jays won't eventually catch up to the high flying Charm City Bashers. But anyone who thought the Orioles would shit the bed this season because of sabermetrics simply needs to shut the fuck up and stop talking about baseball. Or better yet watch a fucking game you nerds.
For whatever reasons we didn't see a whole lot of middle linebacker Nyles Morgan last year. In 2016 Morgan will be starting and looking to make a major impact as Joe Schmidt's replacement. Not only will he make an impact but I think he's going to be the breakout star on the defensive side of the ball for the Fighting Irish.
The knock on Morgan (which I believe have been exaggerated) has been his inability to line up the defense. The middle linebacker is the "quarterback of the defense" and in defensive coordinator Brian Van Gorder complicated defense with numerous assignments and alignments the MLB is responsible for Morgan was seen as not nearly as advanced as the slower and less athletic Schmidt. This will change in 2016 as from all reports Morgan has been the best overall defensive player on the field this spring.
While I'm not ready to establish #5 as the next Manti Te'o/Jaylon Smith I'm extremely excited to see what Morgan can do with a defense that struggled a lot in 2015. Morgan was a much hyped 4 star recruit who was seen as an instant impact type player. Two years into his collegiate career and it's been hard to tell if Morgan would ever live up to his lofty prep ranking.
This year watch out for #5. Not only will he lead the team in tackles but I see him contending for All-American honors.
No lie I would have shit my pants right there. Alligators are basically dinosaurs and have been on the Earth a lot longer than humans. And there is a reason for that. They are nasty, eat shit and anything else in or near water which could also be you and your son trying to catfish. So no thank you. I will not be catfishing anytime in a fucking kayak with my kid as some monster gator lines me up on some chicken bait. Call me old fashion. Call me a pussy. Whatever. I'd rather be wearing gator boots than playing tummy sticks with his intestines.
No more horse troughs for the players to piss in. Wrigley Field's clubhouse looks more like a swanky night club than an actual locker room. I'm sure there is a secret door where Dexter Fowler and Jason Heyward hide their hookers. Why else would they sign with the Cubbies? Wait you didn't really think they went to Chicago to win the World Series did you?
