JOE TORRE TURNS DOWN YANKEES
Does anybody really care? I mean yes, it is the New York Yankees and they have 26 World Series Championships and they will no longer have a manager who picks his nose on national television more often than I masturbate, but does it really matter? Baseball managing is like flipping the channel. Just don't fuck it up and know where your strong stations or players are and play them.

They can pay me 1 million, I will drink my ass off, and I will still be able to pencil in a lineup that will win 90 plus games next year. This isn't brain surgery. You need someone to cover up Derek Jeter's dead hookers or sweep away Roger Clemen's cattle pills then I am your man also, just don't expect me to clean
A-Rod's dirty whore infested cup without asking for at least 2 mil.

After hearing Torre turned down a 5 million dollar contract because he wants to die in Florida I pretty much reacted like this kid....

HEISMAN TOP 5
First of all I want to say with strong conviction that just because you beat Notre Dame doesn't make you a Heisman frontrunner. I repeat, just because Matt Ryan and Boston College beat ND last week, you know, the 1-6 Irish, doesn't make him any better than Tim Tebow, Andre Woodson, or Sam Bradford for that matter. I'm so sick and tired of the national media picking up a guy and proclaiming him the leading guy whenever someone beats Notre Dame. I'm a fan of the Irish but even I know we suck donkey balls this year and beating us is like graduating high school: If you can't do it then you should probably just cut your losses and light the candles while you soak in your blood bath.

Speaking of blood bath I got laid this week. No, seriously, and I didn't even have to pay her afterwards. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I just felt like typing it out so everyone could read it. Life must suck when you have to pay for sex all the time, thus my reason why I will never get married. Speaking of marriage I'm tying the knot next May so that must make me the biggest hypocrite in the world but in all honesty(unlike 95% of the rest of this blog)I love the lady and can't wait.

Okay, enough of my boring life, let's talk Heisman.

1. Andre Woodson-He beat LSU. He beat LSU. Again, he beat LSU. -And for everybody in the media who can't imagine a black QB not running for TDs he actually ran for one against LSU while also throwing for 3 in the upset win. So there you go, let your racist tinted glasses dim for a moment and understand that he is on pace to throw for 37 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions in the toughest conference in college football. If he beats Florida this week I think it will be a safe bet to say everybody will be jumping on his bandwagon for the Heisman. I'm already on.

2. Mike Hart-
Let me first start off and say this: I hate Michigan. Always have, always will. But you know what, I also love and respect the way Mike Hart plays the game. If you want to talk about putting it all out on the line and carrying your team I believe we can't look any further than #20 for the maize and blue. If Michigan wins the Big Ten it's not going to be because they have the most talent or the better coaching or the easiest road, it's going to be because of Hart. He might not be as talented as McFadden or as fast as Desean Jackson but the kid knows how to play the game and be a leader. Again, I hate Michigan, but I have no problem with Hart winning the Heisman.

3. Tim Tebow-The Ultimate QB is on pace to throw for 26 TDs while running in another 18 TDs. I mean could you honestly imagine what life is like for Tebow down in Gainesville? He has thousands of hotties wanting to rock his world and yet his Christian background tells him to remain celibate till marriage. No wonder he goes ape shit on opponents on Saturdays. Me on the other hand, I would have semen dripping out of my ears and nose while looking for my next victim like Austin Scott (the room just got very quiet, awesome!).

4. Sam Bradford-

Leads the nation in passing rating and is on pace to throw for 34 TDs and only 7 interceptions with a good chance Oklahoma will make the BCS Championship game. There I said it. Oklahoma will be playing in the BCS Championship because of the play of redshirt freshman Bradford.

5. Matt Ryan-
Look, look, he tore up Notre Dame he has to be the frontrunner, let's compare him to Doug Flutie, look, see, see. Okay, he's good. I will admit that Ryan is one of the top 10 QBs in the college game. But his stats are not impressive enough for me to even consider him a frontrunner for the trophy. He is 40th in the nation in passing rating and you (the national media) want to put him as the frontrunner. Put down the needle, back away from the ledge, and let's get real for a change. Ryan and Boston College will fold faster than origami.

Just missed the cut: Darren McFadden, Chase Daniel, Dennis Dixon, Brian Brohm, Graham Harrell

RANDOM JOKE

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FACE RAPE?

Seriously, Texas just face raped a dude and no flag. How can you not see it?

I LOVE YOU WILL MUSCHAMP

I thought my mouth was dirty, but damn, Auburn defensive coach Will Muschamp is one high intensity motherfucker. Seriously, I would go through a motherfucking building for that guy. I guess his language works, Auburn held Darren McFadden and Felix Jones to under 100 total yards rushing combined.

This is just another reason why the SEC beats the shit out of a lot of conferences including those pussy liberal motherfuckers over in the PAC-10.

HT to DeepSouthSports for the clip.

ATLANTA REWARDED WNBA FRANCHISE, NATION LAUGHS
Seriously, what is the point of the WNBA? And why are they now bringing the freak show to Atlanta, a city that really could care less about basketball?

Well now that Atlanta has been awarded(I thought awards were prizes) a WNBA franchise I thought we could come up with some good team names.

Since Atlanta still has a deer population to go along with the smog, how about the Atlanta Nappy Headed Does? It rolls off the tongue. Or maybe the Atlanta Swallows. Okay, that is not right, the Atlanta Spits is more appropriate for a women's franchise.

Well, I've got it started, now you can help out with a kickass team name. Post your comments below and if we come up with a good one we might make a Sportscrack shirt out of it.

FORGET JIMMY CLAUSEN, THIS GUY IS THE NEXT BRADY QUINN
Just watch this interview on Rivals.com and tell me you can't see the similarities between Dayne Crist and Brady Quinn. I'm not ready to throw Clausen under the bus because he is only a freshman, but I think Crist is going to have a way brighter future than him because of his size(6'5), his arm(throws the ball with a lot more velocity), and his leadership abilities(Crist even interviews as well as Brady).

In fact, I will make the bold statement right now: Crist has a better chance of leading Notre Dame to a National Championship in 2009 than Clausen.

The buffoon on the left needs to go.
FIRE DON WADDELL!
As some of you know I am a huge Atlanta Thrashers fan, seriously, I am. They are a NHL hockey team in Atlanta for the uninformed. Anyways, today they fired their head coach Bob Hartley after an abysmal start at 0-6 while being outscored 27-9.

Unfortunately they fired the wrong person.

This season's roster stinks because of the GM Don Waddell. This is the same guy who gave Bobby Holik and Slava Kovloz ridiculous contracts to either come or stay in Atlanta. He traded away first round draft picks for a two month rental of Keith Tkachuk who promptly left Atlanta to go back to St. Louis in the off season. In case you were wondering one of those first round picks is probably going to be the #1 pick in the draft. Fucking brilliant Waddell.

So instead of firing Waddell we fire a head coach who has not only won a Stanley Cup with the Avalanche but also managed a winning record of 136-123-32 for a little over three seasons here in Atlanta and led them to their first playoff berth. Hartley isn't the problem.

Waddell stinks of cheap vodka and brown stained underwear. He went out this off season and picked up two undersized and soft veterans in Todd White and Eric Perrin to center his first two lines! They both are more floppy than Hugh Hefner trying to get hard between cocktails of coke and Viagra. He has one of the most exciting players and scorers in the game in Ilya Kovalchuk but instead of resigning Marc Savard two seasons ago to keep him as Kovy's center man they let him go and have replaced him with absolute garbage.

Simply putting it Waddell has to be fired. The Thrashers are horrible because of the moves of one man alone. His original plan was to have the Thrashers competing for the playoffs and the Stanley Cup on a consistent basis by year 5. Instead it took 7 years to make the playoffs in which they mortgaged the future just to get there and had no contingency plan if the veterans left because of the GM.

FIRE DON WADDELL NOW!

JUDD APATOW JOINS FUNNYORDIE.COM, SPORTSCRACK NEXT?

If he wants to do porn I'm all for it here at Sportscrack. At least that way I would make some money to afford that fancy 1100 calorie salad they sell at Hardees. Nothing makes me more happy than clogging my arteries while eating a fucking salad.

Sorry about the light posting today, I'm still recovering from the Monday Night Football game. Apparently they don't enjoy drunk people in the Georgia Dome because they stop selling beer at the beginning of the third quarter. I know, it's fucking ridiculous is what I thought too. So next time you hear some smart ass announcer say the Falcons fans aren't showing up because they don't care blah blah etc, it's not the real reason. America wants beer and if the Falcons can't provide good drinking fun while watching shitty football then I have no problem with the fans leaving early. Hell, I did it last night.

SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA
Here is a little video sent my way by MacG with some South Florida tailgating action from this past Saturday. I knew South Florida had some hotties, but damn even fat dudes look like their getting ass down there. So even I could have a chance...



The chances of anybody finishing undefeated this year is slim so I say we take the top 16 teams at the end of the season and make them submit their hottest girls to a lingerie bowl playoff system. The school with the least amount of chub and the most amount of flat out hotness to go along with nudity wins.

In the end we all win.

BAND OF HORSES NEW VIDEO
I got a chance to go see Band of Horses last night at Park Tavern in Atlanta and I must say they are as good if not better live than listening to their CD. They just released their new album "Cease To Begin" last week which I would highly recommend buying. The whole album seems to calm me down when I'm scrambling to figure out other stuff in life including what to make of college football and this nasty rash I've developed. If you haven't had the chance to check out their music you can listen to their new album on their MySpace page and also by visiting their website.

The best part of last night was the concert was free, the beer was cold, and Band of Horses rocked out on a cool fall night in Atlanta. You can catch them on the Late Show with David Letterman this Thursday night. Here is their new video "Is There a Ghost" which premiered today on MTVU...

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
My head feels like it's going to explode every time I try to put a top 10 together after all these upsets. Can we have just one normal week? Fuck that, this is what makes college football so damn exciting.

1. South Florida-Undefeated and beat two top 20 teams in Auburn and West Virginia. Grothe is fun to watch but with that being said they will probably lose to Rutgers this Thursday.

2. Ohio State-They really haven't played anybody but they are undefeated and have a great defense.

3. Oklahoma-I still can't believe they lost to Colorado, but they have come back to beat both Texas and Missouri.

4. South Carolina-Don't be surprised if Vandy beats them this week.

5. Kentucky-Well, I think we can start the Woodson for H3isman campaign now in Lexington. The game this week against Florida could be more entertaining than an episode of Californication.

6. LSU-The SEC is just too tough to come out undefeated these days especially this year. I rank them behind Kentucky and South Carolina because they lost to Kentucky who lost to South Carolina.

7. Boston College-Untested and really unproven but undefeated no less. Matt Ryan is a good QB but is not Heisman worthy in my opinion.

8. Arizona State-Dennis Erickson has Rudy Carpenter back on track and undefeated.

9. Cal-Almost won despite not having their starting quarterback and a banged up Desean Jackson. I reacted just like Jeff Tedford on the last play of the game.

10. Oregon-I would have them higher but I can't rank them ahead of Cal since they did lose to them. Right pollsters?

Just missed the cut: West Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Missouri, Michigan

IS SOUTH FLORIDA THE #1 TEAM?
They have Auburn and West Virginia as their quality wins and are still undefeated. Will somebody please make an argument why this team should not be #1 after this week. Fucking South Florida, the Bulls, who started playing D1 football 11 years ago, is the best team in the country.

Just shoot me now...or better yet, get me a drink.

WAIT A SECOND, MLB PLAYERS DO PERFORMING ENHANCING DRUGS?
Call me cynical, but I never would have thought there would be more names surfacing in this whole steroids/hgh/cattle roids drama in Major League Baseball. Oh wait, that is why I have been so uninterested in baseball lately.

The latest from Buster Olney is about the George Mitchell probe which is about to reveal a lot more players who were using illegal performance enhancing drugs. So besides the obvious guys at the top of my head like Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Miguel Tejada, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Kyle Farnsworth, Roger Clemens, Chipper Jones, Luis Gonzalez, Brady Anderson, Albert Belle, Brett Boone, Troy Glaus, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts,Juan Gonzalez, Ruben Sierra, Julio Franco, Ivan Rodriguez, Eric Gagne, Troy Percival, Andruw Jones, Jim Thome, Todd Helton, Adam Dunn, Jose Valentin, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Andres Galarraga, Larry Walker, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, Greg Vaughn, Nomar Garciaparra, Cliff Floyd, Tony Batista, Gary Matthew Jr., Eric Chavez, Derrek Lee, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Jose Hernandez, Jose Guillen, Moises Alou, Shawn Green, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Edgar Martinez, Vinny Castilla, Steve Finley, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Tim Salmon, Todd Helton, Rondell White, Mike Sweeney, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles, Marcus Giles, Ken Caminiti, Preston Wilson, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, Raul Mondesi, Dante Bichette, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Ray Durham, Carlos Pena, David Segui, Jose Cruz Jr., Damion Easley, Rich Aurilia, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, and JD Drew that there are actually others involved?

NO WAY!

It's just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan and knowing how incompetent Bud Selig is as a commissioner all together I wouldn't be shocked if it happened right around the start of the World Series.

I love baseball and my hope is the Mitchell investigation will help clean up the sport for good.

Ignore Dawson on the left, you see who that is on the right shotgunning a frosty Miller Lite? It's none other than Justin fucking Timberlake guzzling one at Lambeau Field. Not only has JT gotten the chance to lay the pipe in Jessica Biel, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears (before her breakdown), and Cameron Diaz, but he also gets a chance to be put in a cage in Green Bay and slug beers while others watch.

You don't get it, everything he has done I dream about. Everything besides fucking Dawson of course.

You can see more pictures over at Deadspin.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM DEADLINE
Just a reminder to get your weekly picks in before the 5 pm eastern time deadline for the Sportscrack College Football Pick Em Contest. You have less than 3 hours and plenty of brain cells to kill this weekend while slumped on your couch cursing at Verne Lundquist because he keeps winking at you and telling you sweet nothings.

Okay, well maybe that is just me, but you get the point.

THE WEEKLY LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK

I can hardly understand a quarter of the words he spits out these days but I think Holtz is one hell of a motivator. If only I had a coach of his high energy then maybe I would have done something other with my life than stare at people in malls while thinking about what I was going to do next after finishing this delicious Orange Julius.

Imagine if The Lisp was a sex counselor. "Men you need to get yourself hard in order to penetrate and satisfy that lovely thing you call your wife. Now go out there and get it done."

Or maybe Holtz could have been a general in the Army. Now that I think of it I do believe Holtzie was a general. You want proof, well then you go over there and...

P.S-The clip is from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, one of the all-time great comedies that nobody saw because Americans hate Canadians not named Pamela Anderson, Jim Carrey, or Celine Dion. Allthough I do think a lot of Americans hate Celine Dion but maybe not as much as I do.

REGGIE BUSH SCANDAL
With the latest news on the sports marketer apparently giving up evidence he gave Bush and his family $280,000 worth of benefits while at USC on the horizon, it's only a matter of time before USC and Pete Carroll go down hard. It has been a tough couple of weeks for the USC family. First they lose to Stanford, a team that has a fucking tree as a mascot and is named for a color. Then Matt Leinart bitches about his playing time in Arizona only to break his collarbone the same week and end his season. Now the Bush scandal comes back up like an old painful Leinart festering cold sore.

The only way USC will be punished is if the NCAA can prove they knew what was going on at the time. Good luck with that.

When reached for comment, Pete Carroll declined in order to finish up his new commercial, Mister Potato...

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED HOW MUCH I HATE ESPN?
Well, ESPN is up to their same old bullshit and trying to ruin sports for all of us. Read this wonderful article about the digging up of George Gipp's grave for "research" purposes. Seriously, read it before you read my response.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Hold.

Hold.

Must keep in anger. Hulk get mad.

Deep breath.

Okay, I want to know what the rest of the Sportscrack nation thinks about ESPN filming Gipp's body being exhumed for purposes of DNA testing. Whether you are a fan of Notre Dame or not, I would think most of you would cringe at the thought of somebody digging up a loved member of your family or friend for the purposes of exploiting it on television.

I've said it a million times and I think it bears repeating: ESPN AS A WHOLE IS A SOUL LESS PIECE OF CORPORATE SHITBAG WITHOUT ANY RESEMBLENCE OF MORALS OR INTEGRITY TO MANKIND. And this is coming from me, about as soul less as a human being could possibly be. If I think it is sick then I know some Holy Spirit or God is looking down and crossing off souls as we speak.

ESPN to me is more evil than Enron, Ticketmaster, and Barry Bonds put together. Ever since Disney bought them out they have become a horribly biased network covering sports with the purpose of making as much money off it while exploiting anybody in order to make a dime. It is what they are good at and yet we still watch their crap. If only Disney decided to leave sports alone then I'm sure the world would be a much better place instead of the Magical Kingdom of hell they have helped create.

I now wonder if ESPN is trying to dig up Knute Rockne's grave because they have good word from reliable sources that he might be a relative of Hitler who single handidly started the Great Depression with the purpose of destroying America. I think I read it on a ESPN.com rumor page.

R.I.P George Gipp. If only it could be that simple.

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

Clever, I must admit especially coming from a Boston College fan. It's Fredos right to talk trash since they have pretty much owned this series in terms of upsets.

But things are different this Saturday. Backup College comes in as the overwhelming favorite due to a Heisman worthy QB and an origami schedule made of false dreams and irrational thinking. For all intended purposes they should kick Notre Dame's ass.

The Irish have the worst offense in the nation statistically speaking and apparently BC has the Better Christians. So it should be over pretty quickly right?

I think it is about time for BC's dream season to come to an abrupt end. Time for a little community service to right all the wrongs this college football season has become....

BC=Second rate whores always after their money.

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
1. LSU TIGERS-Clearly the best team in the country till they lose to Kentucky...wait for it, wait for it...gotcha fucker.
2. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES-They haven't played anybody worth a shit but they have a really good defense with one of the best coaches in the game along with a weak Big 10 schedule.
3. CAL BEARS-I'm still not convinced this team is for real. Offensively I like them a lot, defensively there is nothing to desire.
4. SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS-I don't know what to say, I just put South Florida as a top 5 team in the country. I'm completely lost this season.
5. OKLAHOMA SOONERS-They rebounded against Texas and now face a stern test from Missouri.
6. MIZZOU TIGERS-Chase Daniel could become an instant cult hit in Missouri if he beats the Sooners.
7. BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES-Notre Dame will get the chance to spoil their season for a change.
8. FLORIDA GATORS-I know they have lost two games but both came within the last minute in which they could have easily won both against LSU and Auburn.
9. OREGON DUCKS-If Desean Jackson doesn't exist they are sitting undefeated with a good chance at a National Title.
10. ILLINOIS FIGHTIN ILLINI-You know the season is totally whacked when Illinois makes an appearance in the top 10 along with Mizzou, Boston College, and South Florida.

This top ten poll has me totally lost, confused, and shaking like I just got violated by a drunk touchy feely Mark May at a Christmas party. I love College Football, but if this insanity keeps going I'm going to have to focus 95% of my energy on internet porn instead of the 90% I do now.


I will take a G and T now, thank you very much.

RANDOM JOKE
Big Talk

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


Jessica Simpson likes it.

EDDIE VEDDER IS BACK
It has been too damn long since I've heard the sweet voice of Eddie Vedder. Here is his latest song, Hard Sun, from the motion picture Into the Wild.

Vedder did the complete motion picture soundtrack for the film which is out in theaters. The film is based upon the book Into the Wild, a story about Christopher McCandless who graduates Emory University and decides to travel to Alaska. In doing so he gives up a life of material worth to travel and see the world through the eyes of the lonely wilderness.

It's great to hear Vedder. I used to listen to all of his acoustic bootleg cds back in high school and this album reminds me of those days when I could actually grow my hair out and get drunk off a 6 pack.

You can listen to more songs on the album and order it by clicking this link.

I can't stop listening to the song Society, in fact I put it as my profile song on Myspace if you want to listen to it.

THE YANKEES LOSE

Now it's time for Manny Ramirez and the Boston Red Sox to fail miserably against the Cleveland Indians. I vision JD Drew ruining any chance for the Red Sux not by his play but by his general demeanor.

Oh, and congrats to Mike Mussina. He left Baltimore in order to sell his soul and win a championship with the Yankees over 6 years ago. As you can tell I'm still not bitter about it at all. Anyways he is now an after thought in New York who gets booed more often than Joe Torre and he is still working on that championship thingy.

My Orioles suck but at least the Yankees Suck also.

HEISMAN TOP 5
First off I want to say making this list left me more conflicted than a whore at a Eagle Scout meeting. I mean, how can you pick one winner when really all of them have at least some resemblance of greatness in them? So with that I proudly crack open...a beer! Remember people, beer is food in liquid God-like form. Sweet nectar of life. Beer will solve all of your problems I remind myself. Oh fuck, I'm talking to myself again. At least someone will talk to me. Thank you Mr. Bud Light. You are so funny and you get all of my jokes unlike those stuffy judges and cops who always want to push their "rules and regulations" on you. You wanna make love?

Okay, enough of the shenanigans or this list will take me 20 more hours/beers and 50 more pit stops at the urinal before I pass out and forget that every black running back in college loves to eat crab legs. I'm serious and I honestly don't get it. Is it some kind of inside joke? Is it code for Red Snapper for white males? Last week I was watching West Virginia play and the device with flickering lights told me that Pat White and Steve Slaton both love to eat crab legs. Excuse me, in fucking West Virginia! Your lucky if you can find something besides a Butt King or a CrackDonalds to wet your appetite. And now this week I learned PJ Hill's favorite food is crab legs. I would have taken him seriously if he said crabs dipped in cheese dip but he didn't. Nobody in Wisconsin eats seafood. They eat brats with cheese and beer and generally die before the age of 60. It is what Wisconsin does. I only know this from watching "That 70's Show."

Okay, seriously, here is the list:

1. John David Booty
2. Troy Smith
3. USC's defense
4. Overrated QB for #1 team
5. Jimmy Clausen

Enough of the sarcasm, the Heisman is serious business, or as Lou Holtz would call it blithfuss.

1. Arkansas runningback-I can't give it to just one guy. Felix Jones is averaging over 10 yards a carry! For the season!!! Can I put some more asterisks in there for dramatic effect? I'm getting more excited than Tim Kurkjian looking at a box score. D-Mac and Jones are both tearing it up and I can't honestly say one is better than the other right now. I mean I think I know D-Mac is the more dynamic player but Jones has been a stud all season and can return kicks with the best of them. We have had co-MVPS in other sports, why not the Heisman?

2. Tim Tebow-He almost beat LSU by himself. Going into the game I thought there was no way he could survive running into their stout defense play after play. Well, he did it and nearly won the game for them. One has to wonder if Urban Meyer is thinking about putting Tebow at LB. In fact, if Tebow was playing linebacker too he would have stopped Lester at the goal line. And no, I don't care if Florida has two losses. It wasn't Tebow's fault and I don't believe in punishing candidates only because their team loses.

3. Chase Daniel-Mizzou is 5-0 thanks to Chase and his ability to hit receivers in stride and also tuck the ball and get an important first down. With this being said I could see Oklahoma tearing up Mizzou this week and making this pick a one week honor.

4. Andre Woodson-I know he had a bad game on national television against South Carolina but I still believe he is the best drop back QB in the nation. If he can somehow lead the Wildcats to an upset over LSU then he could become the leading candidate. I know, there is no way LSU can lose...right? I mean just because USC lost to Stanford doesn't mean every team will lose to shitty inferior competition.

5. Mike Hart-It was between Hart and Mendenhall. You really can't go wrong with either. Hart has carried the Wolverines and in a way so has Mendenhall. But I guess with Hart you know he is going to put a team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. Sounds like a Heisman contender to me.

Just missed the cut: Matt Ryan, Desean Jackson, Sam Bradford, Pat White

Coming soon, I swear you filthy addicts:
1) New top 10 poll(FUSC)
2) Midseason All-American team(interesting decision for RB)
3) New Heisman top 5 (I so wanted to put Booty in there because he plays for USC and he must be good right, right?)
4) Baseball playoff talk (Oh fuck me, the Red Sox and the Yankees are still in this damn thing, no wonder I haven't been watching)
5) Random jokes
6) NHL Preview (I think the season starts in a few days, I better start previewing, Go Thrashers!)
7) Family Guy references....

THIS IS WHY NOBODY WATCHES VERSUS

Umm, "touchdown USC" is not quite the appropriate call there when Stanford just scored the tying touchdown. And then the other announcer fucks up saying "Jim Harbaugh is going to go for the tie right here" when in fact they just scored a touchdown all they have to do is kick the extra point to win it.

Now I know watching USC lose to Stanford is shocking in its own right, but come on man. This could have been your signature call for an all-time moment yet you screwed it up worse than Britney Spears at the VMA's. If the Brit is doing better than you right now then you know you have problems.

But if your Versus at least you have the NHL to fail back on (crickets chirping in the background)....oh well, USC lost, so thank you Versus for at the very least televising a great moment in sports history with maybe two of the biggest blunders in broadcasting.

Don't think I won't forget about those outrageous, no, no....

I'm back home so expect a lot more posts with an endless amount of fart jokes and mindless nudie pics sprinkled in between the two empty bottles of scotch.

It's all game now.

Notre Dame finally won.

USC blows.

Life is good.

USC LOSES, FALLS TO #1 IN THE RANKINGS
You are a 41 point favorite at home against a doormat of a football program with a backup quarterback making his first start. You are suppose to dominate and beat the living shit out of Stanford if you are USC. What do you do? You lose in one of the biggest upsets in college football history.

And what do the pollsters do?

They drop them to #7 and #10 in the rankings.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Didn't Michigan lose at home to a huge underdog and not only drop out of the top 10 but also the rankings all together? The pollsters need to get off their knees and wipe the Pete Carroll crust off their filthy mouths. USC is not as good as you think they are. Repeat it to yourself again. USC is not that good.

Maybe then when you come to this conclusion will your balls finally decide to drop.

My sentiments exactly.

DAMN YOU HAYDEN!

My favorite team: The MooseKnuckles...

SOUTH CAROLINA VS. KENTUCKY FOR SEC EAST TITLE?
I know PAC-10 lovers are looking at this matchup and screaming at their pumpkin spice latte in Starbucks saying "see, see, the PAC-10 is better than the SEC!" Sure brah, hang ten. Anyways, this game of old shitty NFL coaches gone good in the SEC east is much more than SECPoon and Smelley Cocks. It's about a coming out party for QB Andre' Woodson. Not a lot of people west of the Mississippi have seen him play but will be given the chance to watch Erin Andrews sweet...umm, yeah, too many gin and tonics out here right now.

Drunk, ripped, dawn here in Hawaii.

Sorry, I'm rambling like an 18 year old hooker waiting to satisfy her first john. And by hooker I mean Smelley Cock and by john I mean Ole ball coach click-clack. This game will be in front of 90,000 plus screaming, foaming Cock lovers thirsting for blood on a warm October night in a state that prides itself in crescent moons and fake palm trees. All I know is the Cocks are missing their best player in LB Jasper Brinkley. God had different plans for him like the poor black linebacker who blows out his knee in The Program. Come to think of it, this whole Gamecock team is like the fictional team in The Program. Blake Mitchell is the ugly drunk QB who has daddy issues and boinks a hot Buffy the Vampire Slayer before she gets a boob job guy.

Wait, there would be no Lattimore-a steroid popping freak of an athlete rapist who bangs the head coach's daughter.

I know you guys and gals are reading this waiting for a cohesive sentence with some logical meaning. Sorry, I'm in an internet cafe feeling dazed and confused while typing here on this beautiful MAC. My thoughts are Kentucky should for all intended purposes win this game even though they are the 3 and a Noel Devine underdog on the road. The Wildcats have better athletes and more speed and should be able to stretch the field against the Cocks. But of course the Cocks have the home field advantage and Ole Ball Coach.

Fuck, I'm so confused. Not because my liver has gone to hell or because I see a man laughing at me in my computer screen. It's this college football season. How are teams like South Florida and Kentucky undefeated right now and sitting in the top ten? How is my beloved Notre Dame slumped over at 0-5 walking down the corridor to a shiny needle named USC at the end. Wait a second, what the hell am I doing sitting in an internet cafe with a now empty gin and tonic mumbling to the computer screen while the nerd behind me is watching one of the shitty remakes of Star Wars while giggling at the fake cartoon version of Yoda?

The beach awaits, I want to wrestle a shark while I burn and roast to a nice pinkish red similar to Clint Hurdle's face. A few more days out here and I will come back looking like Leatherface Mcgee, known to the common man as the Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan.

Oh yeah, I'm taking Big Woodson over the Smelley Cock.

SOCCER PLAYERS ARE STILL PUSSIES

This is a video from yesterday's UEFA match between AC Milan and Celtic. The goaltender's name is Dida. Nuff said. It's this kind of crybaby shit that turns off red blooded, run till you blow out both knees Americans from the "world's game." I will be the first to admit I actually enjoy watching UEFA games on ESPN2, but any time I see a guy take a dive it just makes me turn the channel.

And no, that isn't Mike Tyson running on the field and giving him a love tap.

Hat tip to Deadspin.

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
Okay, this is the part where you say "fuck you" for telling me this but I did have some thoughts on the wild weekend of College Football while watching it at 6 am in Hawaii. Any excuse to wake up on the beach at 6 in the morning and start drinking while mixing in some crazy concoctions of upsets is a great way to destroy the liver of life. Anyways, here are some thoughts:

-What the fuck was Bob Stoops thinking? Seriously, he had a timeout left and decided not to use it to either A)ice the kicker or B)use it so they had some time left on the clock for a final play of their own if he made the kick. The Sooners really disappointed me not only with their play but their decisions. They should have killed Colorado but instead handed the game to them. I will give the Boulders some credit and acknowledge the fact that Dan Hawkin's son Cody is playing a good QB, but there is no reason for the Sooners to lose a game like that.

-So is USC really any good? They looked like shit on Saturday night/early Saturday afternoon here in beautiful sunny Hawaii. Again this is the part where you mumble "fuck you" while sitting in your cubbie while your fat smelly co-worker offers you some advice for your team not to lose. I think it was only proper to put LSU ahead of USC right now in the rankings. LSU is so much more dominant up front on both lines that they wouldn't have that hard of time handling USC in my opinion. True LSU didn't look particularly great against Tulane in the first half but they put it together in the second half to blow them out.

-Cal is the real deal. I've had my doubts with their team but winning in Eugene is impressive. Desean Jackson of course stepped up to the plate and delivered. Big time players show up in big games. It still looks weird to see a team like Cal sitting at #3 in the polls. Holy shit balls, South Florida is #6 right now. This past weekend just demonstrates how crazy a playoff system would be.

-Andre Woodson is the leading Heisman candidate right now. No questions asked. He is the best QB in the nation. Fucking Kentucky is in the top 10 people. K-E-N-T-U-C-K-Y. If I hear one national media person try to tell me that JD Booty will win it because he plays for USC then I will personally go over to their place, pull down their pants, take a before picture, kick them in the balls, and then take a picture after and post it here on this blog. Woodson could get Kentucky to a SEC Championship game and I hope he does. The Wildcats are my new favorite underdog team.

-Notre Dame finally found an identity in the second half against Purdue. The offensive line started blocking people, and freshman WR Golden Tate had his coming out party. Tate is a player ND has been missing for a long time since Julius Jones left. The kid just makes plays. His 3 catches on Saturday were all highlight worthy. Along with fellow freshmen WR Duval Kumara, RBs Armando Allen and Robert Hughes, TE Mike Ragone, and QB Jimmy Clausen you can see a nucleus in one class that could turn into the best offensive class in ND history.

-Baseball predictions: Yankees will beat the Indians, Angels will beat the Red Sox in the AL. Cubs will beat the Diamondbacks, and the Padres(if they win tonight) will beat the Phillies. No expert analysis here, just a hunch.

WEEKEND PICKS
Just a reminder to get your college football picks in today before 5 pm eastern if you are in the Sportscrack pick em contest.

Here are my picks this week:

West Virginia(-7.5) at South Florida: The spitting lisp gave the pep talk to the Bulls so I got to take the Mountaineers.

Prediction: West Virginia 27 South Florida 17

Ole Miss (+15) at Georgia: Ole Miss can hang with Georgia and the Bulldogs haven't blown out a decent opponent in a long time.

Prediction: Georgia 24 Ole Miss 18

Oklahoma (-22) at Colorado: I'm going to keep riding the Sooners money train.

Prediction: Oklahoma 49 Colorado 20

Cal at Oregon (-6): I just have this feeling that Oregon really wants to make a statement and prove they need to be taken serious for a National Title this year.

Prediction: Oregon 35 Cal 28

Clemson at Georgia Tech (+3): Just playing a hunch here, Tech usually beats Clemson when they are underdogs especially at home.

Prediction: GT 20 Clemson 17

Alabama (+2.5) at FSU: Umm, why is Alabama an underdog in this game? The Criminoles suck ass, I'm going with $aban Nation.

Prediction: Alabama 28 FSU 14

Auburn (+18) at Florida: I got to go with Auburn here just because of the huge spread. The Tigers know how to beat Florida and they won't be scared of the Swamp.

Prediction: Tebow 31 Auburn 20

Notre Dame at Purdue(-21): Nothing has changed for me to believe ND will be in this game. Enjoy this game Purwho, it will be the last time you beat ND for a long time.

Prediction: Purdue 45 Notre Dame 17

GREAT NEWS: KEVIN EVERETT IS MOVING
But he still hates cops? You be the judge...


You have to love unintentional comedy. Who ever screwed up the news station footage has a job offer from Sportscrack waiting for them. Of course pay is little to nothing but I have been told I give great massages with my "big hands."

"You so hard you need to relax guy."


Kevin Everett video via BarstoolSports

IT'S OFFICIAL: SOUTH FLORIDA IS FUCKED!

The dreaded curse of the lisp appears to have stricken South Florida this week. Lou Holtz' latest blabbering pep talk is designed to pump up the Bulls for their Friday showdown against West Virginia. More likely it will extend the dreaded Holtz pep talk curse to Tampa where the Bulls will go down faster than a struggling Hollywood starlet on a casting couch.

I wonder if Vegas waits for the lisp of Holtz before deciding the line on the game?
West Virginia is favored by 7.5 points. I think the half point is in honor of Noel Devine. He may be half a man in size but the little guy is more jittery and elusive than a DC crack addict.

DuscHEBAGS

My little brother Sean is considering going to USC (I know, quit the missing chromosone jokes now)to hang out, study (wink, wink) and party with a bunch of DUSCHEBAGS. I know he reads this blog every once in a while. Sean, the picture above is a warning. Do you really want to be associated with white rich kids who actually support O.J? You might as well go to Virginia Tech and start a memorial for Vick's career.

Food for thought Sean. I'm just saying.

Picture via Deadspin

SECPOON IS BACK
Never fear Poon lovers, I have been informed that the SECPoon is back and better than ever. Thanks to good bud and fellow blogger MacGsWorld(great blog by the way, highly recommend), we have received a relaunch at www.poonsec.blogspot.com. Don't ask any questions, just bookmark the page, unzip...errr, I mean relax and enjoy the lovely southern ladies.

I've been informed that the two ladies above do go to Tennessee and actually have all their teeth and even know how to spell their first...and last names. I think this deserves a slow, resounding, golf clap.

Oh oh yeah, GOD.BLESS.THE.POON.

NEW SHIRT
We call it the Backup College shirt, otherwise known as BC. You always had a dream to get in your first university of choice but just weren't good enough, well now you can wear your second rate college shirt.

Click on the image below to order, all orders will be shipped October 5th so preorder soon so you can get it before gameday...

ONLY ONE GOOD USE FOR A TROJAN

Apparently O.J. wasn't available.

MICHAEL VICK TESTS POSITIVE FOR MARIJUANA
Shocker isn't it? America's favorite felon tested positive for the holy grass back on September 13th. He has since been ordered to stay at home with an electronic monitoring device and receive mental health counseling. I got a better recommendation. Why don't we take all the Vick supporters who booed the Animal Rights activist last night in Atlanta and shower them with chum and just dump them in the choppy waters of Capetown, South Africa.

Listen people, I'm going to say it as nicely as possible....VICK IS A FUCKING IDIOT!

Don't support that sack of garbage. He is a rich prick who doesn't give a shit. And those people who just embarrassed the rest of Atlanta including myself last night by booing a guy who supports the rights to protect animals from cruelty can seriously, and I mean seriously, go....

Sorry people, I'm in a glass case of emotion right now.

I FUCKING HATE ESPN MORONS
Click here for the latest Charlie Weis interview on Stephen A. Smith radio show. If you want to hear a question that makes absolutely zero sense without any research, fast forward to the 5:35 mark and listen.

This is why ESPN blows. Notre Dame fans are not bitching about Weis recruiting. His recruiting is unbelievable and he is bringing in elite players unlike the past regime. Notre Dame's current recruiting class is ranked #1 in the nation. The past two seasons since Charlie took over the recruiting classes finished in the top 10 in the nation. This notion that Notre Dame isn't going to get better is just bullshit. The elite talent they have right now is all in the freshmen and sophomore classes and are just inexperienced but are growing up fast.

Do your research ESPN and stop trying to stir the pot.

We can all agree what ESPN stands for...
Erroneous
Special
People
Network

MY TOP 10 brought to you by Heidi Klum
I'm really too lazy right now to do a top 25 in college football. Plus I'm sure most of you could give a horse's ass where Virginia Tech (let the healing begin)is on my top 25. They wouldn't be in it by the way. I figured I would spice up the list and bring in an official sponsor of the top 10 list. Luckily for all the guys supermodel Heidi Klum agreed to be a presenter. Thank you Germany.

1. Oklahoma Sooners-They have scored over 51 points in every game and covered every spread. They make me rich so I give them props. Bradford to Kelly might be the best QB to WR combo in the nation.

2. LSU Tigers-This team is so fierce it's like watching Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino slug it out for the last munchkin at Dunkin Donuts. The trick play for a TD against South Carolina gave me a boner.

3. USC Trojans-You can't spell TROJAN without OJ. Shameless promotion, I know. Yes, they are really good, Pete Carroll is a god, blah blah blah. Suck it Trojans.

4. Florida Gators-Not sure how long Tim Tebow is going to last this season rushing the ball the way he has. Urban Meyer needs to figure out a way to run the spread offense without him getting hit 3000 times a game. I know Tebow is the Ultimate QB (another shameless plug)but not even Pamela Anderson could take the constant pounding of Tommy Lee before going down for the count.

5. West Virginia-The Mountaineers are facing a stiff test this week against South Florida. If you like to be entertained just keep your eyes on Pat White.

6. Texas Longhorns-Finally they played a decent game last week against Rice. The offense appears to be clicking and they could get a good battle from Kansas State this week.

7. Oregon Ducks-I'm moving the Ducks up because I think they will beat Cal this week. Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart having been beasts all season and their defense is better than Cal's.

8. Cal Bears-Desean Jackson will have a good game this week but it won't be enough against Oregon.

9. Ohio State-I like their defense and they have a great coach in Jim Tressel. One of their players dotted the I between H-O a couple of days ago. Kids will be kids.

10. Kentucky-Watch them play and you will appreciate how good they are. Their offense is balanced and their confidence is growing. Oh yeah, did I mention on here how much I love Andre' Woodson and Rafael Little? I hold them in my heart so dearly I'm thinking about making a pillow with both of their backsides on each side of the pillow. Sweet dreams!

Just missed the cut but not really: Rutgers, Wisconsin, South Florida, Boston College, Clemson

MICHAEL WILBON IS AFRAID OF BLOGS

Head over to Awful Announcing to hear what Wilbon said yesterday on the Mike Tirico Radio Show(how in the hell did that no good sexual predator jock sniffer get the job to replace Dan Patrick ahead of the way more interesting and actually funny Scott Van Pelt?) about bloggers. It always amazes me when the so called press gets their panties in a bunch over bloggers and their blogs. It must be some form of jealously or fear of losing their job.

We are all just ugly geeks hiding behind a computer Wilbon! Unfortunately Wilbon hasn't taken the cue of bloggers and hidden his ugly mug.

Kudos to Awful Announcing for sticking up for the bloggers of the world.

51 YEARS AGO...
Today my mom, Gail, was born down in the hot tropical haven known to the locals as Key West. She lived a great life and unfortunately cancer gave her a detour and cut it short. The memories will never die.

Happy Birthday Mom, I love you forever...

"The Funeral" by Band of Horses

MORE OSCAR DE LA FISHNET PHOTOS
This guy is more fruity than strawberry yogurt dripping off Andy Dick's balls. In case you want to see more pictures of Oscar strutting around like the fucking fruitcake adulterer he is, well then click this lovely link.

ANYONE UP FOR SOME TRIVIA TONIGHT?
Last week I got invited by some friends to join them at this restaurant called Pepperbee's in Atlanta for some hot trivia action. We finished third thanks to some timely answers from you know who(me, me, me)and I must say the service at the restaurant was impeccable. I've never encoutered such great customer service. The food was great, but I wouldn't try their milkshakes. It was a little salty for my liking. Anyways, we are trying to win it this week so if you want to join in on the fun with some satisfaction guaranteed, well then come on down. Pepperbee's owner Doug Thomas wanted to personally invite you. Take it away Doug...

Voters are starting to look up to Andre' Woodson.
THE HEISMAN RACE
I'm starting to confuse myself why I am so enthralled with who wins the Heisman and why I talk about it so much. I guess some of it has to do with the tradition and how it is a part of college football history, but then I also think some of it has to do with a lot of the BS around the award. By BS I mean the stupid ignorant reasoning of most of the voters who reason only upper class men on top 5 teams in the country can win the award. What ever happened to giving it to the best player in the country?

Anyways, I got bored so I looked around the wide world web to see what others sport writers/morons/experts out there thought the current leaders were and how they compared to my list.

-SI.com's Gene Menez has a top ten list with Tim Tebow as the leader and Darren McFadden a close second. For the most part I agree with his list except his omission of Kentucky QB Andre' Woodson. There is no logical reason he shouldn't be in the top 5, let alone left out of the top 10 list.

-ESPN.com has their Heisman Watch. Usually ESPN fucks up lists like this but I agree with their top 4 selections of McFadden(current leader), Tebow, Woodson, and Pat White. All four of these guys are the clear leaders on their team and without them you could make a case their teams would all be worse off.

-Heismanpundit.com has his top 6 which seem all out of whack to me. He sticks with his 10 Heismandments for his reasoning in putting John David Booty at #2(I still can't get over this, Booty isn't even a top 10 quarterback in the nation right now) and he has Jamaal Charles at #4(he forgot about a half a dozen big time backs who are having a better year such as Mike Hart, Rashard Mendenhall, PJ Hill, Jonathan Stewart, Steve Slaton, and Justin Forsett). Of course I find myself going to his site the most because I generally disagree with it.

Those are the three lists I generally check out to see what they are thinking in comparison to who I would vote for. I think a lot of the voters get so enamored with their guy before the season starts that it takes a lot for them to not vote them as their leader. For instance before the season started my preseason favorite was Desean Jackson of Cal. Right now there is no reason for me to put him in my top 10 list because he hasn't performed up to what I know he is capable of despite the injuries(the punt return against Tennessee and the running play against Colorado State not withstanding). But others still insist on putting a Booty up there or a Steve Slaton on there despite actually watching the games and seeing that they aren't even close to being the best or most valuable player in the country this year. This is why guys like Gino Torretta, Troy Smith, Chris Weinke, Jason White, Eric Crouch, and others win the award. People declare them leaders before the season actually starts and if they don't lose then it doesn't matter if they aren't even the best player on their team. These preconceived notions that I have to vote for this guy because he is my preseason favorite is why people like George Bush get re-elected(no hate mail please, I voted for the dumb asshole too).

Anyways, here is my top 10 vote(the first four are all interchangeable right now) if it was held today for the Heisman.

1. Tim Tebow-The Urban Legend does it all and put the Gators on his back and rode them to victory against Ole Miss this past week. His stock could drop though against LSU on October 6th if coach Meyer plans on running him so many times against a brutal and bruising defense.

2. Darren McFadden-He continues to shine on a very average Arkansas team. He is clearly the best running back in the nation and despite the team losses I am not dropping McFadden from the top of the list.

3. Andre' Woodson-He is on pace to throw for 33 TD's and no interceptions for Kentucky. Yes, the fucking Wildcats. I think the nation is finally starting to realize how great of a player he is. If he played on USC or any of the top 5 teams in the country everybody would have him as the clear leader.

4. Pat White-The kid seems to play flawless every game I watch him play. I'm really looking forward to Friday's national television showdown against South Florida down in Tampa.

5. Sam Bradford-Redshirt freshman should be able to win this award and he has performed big in every game.

6. Mike Hart-The little guy has put Michigan on his back and literally carried their asses. I hate Michigan but I can't help but respect the way Hart plays the game. That being said, no team in their right mind in the NFL will draft him with all the wear and tear he is receiving this year and the past 3 seasons up in Ann Arbor.

7. Dennis Dixon-I get this feeling he might be off the list real quick. The Cal game this week will be a very entertaining battle for who is second best in the PAC-10.

8. Glenn Dorsey-If you watched the game on Saturday you can appreciate everything that big Dorsey brings for LSU. The big boy gets triple teamed and still makes penetration thus freeing up teammates to make plays.

9. Colt Brennan-Not playing last week hurt his chances.

10. Jonathan Stewart-Surprise, surprise. Second best back in the nation behind McFadden makes his debut.

Just missed the cut: Ray Rice, Desean Jackson, Brian Brohm, Matt Ryan, Chase Daniel

YES OR NO?
Okay guys, I want you to be honest, would you still invite this Swedish TV Host over for a late night R&R even after the projectile vomiting?

No reason to bullshit or beat around the bush, I think if she brushes her teeth I'm okay with it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I think I can speak for pretty much everybody reading this blog we have all gone home with a girl...or guy for the ladies who wasn't the bread winner in their family(I'm looking in the mirror). Now that I think of it this is like the 3rd case of vomit I've seen in the past few days. Saturday night I saw one of my buddys do the liquid vomit game shortly after Georgia beat Alabama. Sunday night I saw somebody on television hurl, I can't really remember what show it was but I think it was on Showtime or HBO. And now this Swedish temptress hurling on live television.

I'm starting to feel left out.

There is no alternative, I must join the masses, eat some shitty food(McDonalds or Chipotle will do) or drink too much Whiskey and either wear a Red Sox or Yankee hat while doing it. That way I can fit in with all the other douchebags on TV who throw up. Don't worry people, I'm still in denial about Notre Dame football and I swear I will get out of this funk soon.

Back to the original question: Would you kick the Swedish TV Host to the curb if she hurled in front of you? And remember God knows when you are lying...I want some "fucking french toast biyatch!"


Swedish Host Video via BarstoolSports

BIG 12 COACHES ARE PSYCHOS!

First we had Dan Hawkins lecture us on Big 12 football and how it wasn't intramurals brother, now we have Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy having a hissy fit over an article. Apparently writer Jenni Carlson of the Oklahoman called one of his players, quarterback Bobby Reid, a pussy last week. It's true you can read it here.

Last week we had Jabba the Weis give the death stare to beat writer Eric Hansen. College football is a dish best served cold motherfuckers!

SOME WEEKEND OBSERVATIONS
-Rex Grossman is the worst quarterback in the NFL. I'm not sure what anybody has ever seen in him. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck with Grossman. Coach Lovie Smith has already stated he is going to stick with Grossman. It's too bad because the Bears have a really good team but will never win a Super Bowl with Grossman at the helm.

-The Eagles need to stick with those hideous UCLA wannabe uniforms. 56 points, are you fucking kidding me? I would wear garter belts with chaps out in public if I knew it was good luck. But of course people judge you too harshly, it's just fashion people.

-I know as crazy as this may sound I saw some good things out of Notre Dame on Saturday. RB's James Aldridge and Robert Hughes are both beasts capable of carrying the offense right now. I'm not sure why these two horses have hardly gotten any carries before this past week, but if I was Jabba the Weis I would keep feeding them while sprinkling in a little Armando Allen. I was also very impressed with LB's Kerry Neal and Brian Smith. Both freshmen played with a motor and made plays throughout the game. Here is hoping for the sake of my liver that Jabba the Weis plays these kids more often.

-Gamblers out there should recognize that Notre Dame hasn't covered a spread all year. Right now they are 21 1/2 point dogs at Purdue this week. You might want to take Purdue with the points considering this will be the first week the Irish go up against a good college QB in Curtis Painter.

-Ole Miss played an inspiring game against the Gators. Ed Orgeron is the real life Shrek. The guy has that crazy eye look, like he might just bite you for no good reason. The Rebels will have a good team next year with Texas transfer Jevan Snead leading the charge at QB. Orgeron just needs to keep relentlessly getting the recruits and I could see them challenging in the SEC West next season.

-I think right now my top two Heisman contenders are SEC quarterbacks. Tim Tebow and Andre' Woodson have been nearly flawless and have put their respective teams on their shoulders. My preseason favorite Desean Jackson is going to need some huge games to catch up. It's too bad he isn't healthy right now. Here is hoping he has a clean bill when they play USC.

-Family Guy and Curb Your Enthusiasm continue to hurt my sides from laughter. The 6th season premiere of Family Guy, called the Star Wars episode, was a classic. You don't handle the budget Terry, I do!

WEEKEND PREDICTIONS

Georgia Tech(-3) at Virginia:The first time I saw this line I almost pissed on myself. Okay, not really, but I felt a little trickle out. You know when you get scared or confused, sort of like watching a bad SNL skit or just watching Dane Cook try to perform comedy. Terrifying as that might seem, the Yellow Jackets are only 3 point favors in Charlottesville. Tech hasn't won up in Cranberry Spritzer land since 1990, oddly I remember the game quite fondly because it was a classic.


Virginia is 2-0 in conference play after beating up patsies North Carolina and Duke. Their one loss came against Wyoming. I know, stop your laughter, it's pathetic. But what do we really know about Tech? They dominated their first two games against Notre Dame (who hasn't) and Samford (school of the deaf and dumb)but then were throttled last week by Matt Ryan and his Backup College teammates. So something has to give.

I'm going with my first instinct which usually always involves alcohol, pissing, or changing the channel. Tech should win this game comfortably. Tashard Choice has gotten the go ahead to play and I think we will see a more confident Taylor Bennett this week. The Tech defense is going to be stoked for this battle with their ears pinned back (no idea what it means, it just sounds good) ready to prove last week was a fluke.

Prediction: Nerds 27, Lemon Drops 13

Penn State(-2.5) at Michigan:Holy shit, how many fucking games does Michigan play in the Big House this year? Both of these teams have been far from impressive but right now the Nittany Lions are playing better. They both beat the FUPA off of Charlie Weis and Notre Dame but who hasn't so far. I'm not really a firm believer in any one of these teams but I think Penn State has the upper hand.


Michigan is starting a freshman QB who will be playing a really good Penn State defense. Whether or not Ryan Mallett can refrain from turning over the ball will be a huge part in deciding the outcome. I'm looking forward to the matchup of Mario Manningham vs. Justin King. Both guys will be playing on Sundays and are among the best in the nation at their respective positions.

I think I have to go with Brains on this one. Michigan has looked horrible all season and one week of beating up ND does nothing in changing my mind. I wish Mike Hart would have made a guarantee for this game, it would have made it more interesting.

Anthony Morelli makes less mistakes than Mallett (no logic here, just going with the senior vs. freshman dynamic) and Penn State gets revenge against the Skunkbears.

Prediction: Penn State 28 Michigan 20

Michigan State(-13.5) at Notre Dame:I don't think I need to go in details about what is wrong with the Irish to deserve a ridiculous spread like this at Rock's House. Sparty has had the Irish number in South Bend the last five times. No team has ever won 6 straight in South Bend and of course no Irish team has ever started 0-4.


Is Michigan State that good to deserve a spread of nearly two touchdowns? Of course not. Michigan State's program has evolved into a giant pile of shit stained expectations that never come to fruition. Wow, what a shock, Sparty is 3-0. They always are because they play shit teams just like Purwho does in the beginning of the season.

So what gives? Notre Dame is a fucking mess right now. They can't wipe their ass properly let alone convert a third down. As much as my Irish blinders say they can win this week it's hard to ignore the brutal truth.

Prediction: Fucking Sparty 27 Irish 12

Oklahoma(-23.5) at Tulsa:
Tulsa gave up almost 700 yards total offense to BYU last week...this could get ugly, very, very, u-g-l-y. I'm actually surprised the spread isn't wider. I'm talking Pamela Anderson canyon wide. Right now the spread is manageable for Oklahoma with Sam Bradford leading the way. Bradford has been hitting on all cylinders and nothing about Tulsa makes me think it will change this week.

The Sooners defense has been reminded the whole week what Boise State did to them in the Fiesta Bowl. Non-BCS schools aren't going to surprise the Sooners anymore.

Prediction: Oklahoma 62 Tulsa 14

Oregon State(+12) at Arizona State:The line just seems way too big for this game. The Beavers are going to want to show their former coach Dennis Erickson that they are tougher than his current team. Sammie Stroughter will have a big game against a suspect Sun Devil's defense. RB Ryan Torian is expected to miss the game against for Arizona State.

I got to go with the Beavers on this one. The line is just too big and I think Oregon State can win this game straight up. The PAC-10 blows this year except for USC and Cal. This game will be entertaining and close.

Prediction: Oregon State 34 Arizona State 30

Arizona(+16) at Cal:
I'm really hoping this game is on TV here in Atlanta because I want to see All-Americans Desean Jackson and Antoine Cason battle each other. The Wildcats aren't that bad and Cal isn't that good. Cal will win and Jackson will have a highlight play no doubt, but it will be closer than what Vegas thinks.

Prediction: Cal 28 Arizona 17

South Carolina at LSU(-16.5):LSU's defense is going to destroy South Carolina. LSU is just too good and too loaded for this game to be close in Baton Rouge. I could see South Carolina taking the open kickoff and having a decent drive and then all of the Cock fans get all excited and start looking at each other and right before they make out Glenn Dorsey tears their fucking soul out with a forced fumble sack and the game is over before you even knew it. Click-clack Spurrier.

Prediction: LSU 42 South Carolina 10

Kentucky(+6.5) at Arkansas:A game featuring a pair of Heisman contenders in Darren McFadden and Andre' Woodson, I'm actually surprised the Hawgs are favored by almost a touchdown. Kentucky is playing sky high right now after beating in-state rival Louisville last week. This isn't your everyday Kentucky squad and they will be able to put up points on the board against a suspect Arkansas defense.

D-Mac and Felix Jones will again play like beasts and put up a lot of yards. But Arkansas has a Dick as their QB and I think it is really going to fuck them in this game. Woodson is a great QB and will clearly outplay him while getting the ball to his playmakers in Rafael Little and Keenan Burton.

Both of these teams played shootouts last week and this game will be a high scoring affair too. I'm taking the big Wood-son over the little Dick.

Prediction: Kentucky 38 Arkansas 35

Georgia(+3.5) at Alabama:
Mark Richt's teams usually play good on the road, winning 10 of their last 11. The Bulldogs need this win or they will be 0-2 in the conference and you can kiss their BCS chances good bye. Matthew Stafford will outplay his counterpart John Parker Wilson and the Dawgs will squeeze out a victory with a late TD.

Prediction: Georgia 20 Alabama 17

TIGER LEAVES A FLOATER

The video footage is from the US Open with a bunch of grown men waiting for Tiger to squeeze out his last drop. You know some sick asshole fished out a turd and tried to sell it on Ebay. How much would a Tiger Turd get you? I'm thinking at least a grand. You could put it in a formaldehyde jar and display it on your fireplace mantle. Hell, you could throw Tiger Turd partys. Bring it with you to special occasions like graduations or birthday partys. Oh fuck it, if I won it I would bring it to a tailgate and have it root for my favorite team. You could never lose with the Tiger Turd by your side. Okay enough of the turd talk, I'm going to go check out Ebay...

Via Deadspin

THE WEEKLY LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK
Here is Holtz latest pep talk to the Penn State NNiiittannyy Wions. Remember folks, there may be 108,000 people in the stands, but they don't have weapons. Words of wisdom to live by...

"Remember men, Michigan is a rather arrogant group, they probably use pens to fill out their crossword puzzles because they think they are never wrong."
That is gold Jerry, gold!!