JUDD APATOW JOINS FUNNYORDIE.COM, SPORTSCRACK NEXT?

If he wants to do porn I'm all for it here at Sportscrack. At least that way I would make some money to afford that fancy 1100 calorie salad they sell at Hardees. Nothing makes me more happy than clogging my arteries while eating a fucking salad.

Sorry about the light posting today, I'm still recovering from the Monday Night Football game. Apparently they don't enjoy drunk people in the Georgia Dome because they stop selling beer at the beginning of the third quarter. I know, it's fucking ridiculous is what I thought too. So next time you hear some smart ass announcer say the Falcons fans aren't showing up because they don't care blah blah etc, it's not the real reason. America wants beer and if the Falcons can't provide good drinking fun while watching shitty football then I have no problem with the fans leaving early. Hell, I did it last night.

SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA
Here is a little video sent my way by MacG with some South Florida tailgating action from this past Saturday. I knew South Florida had some hotties, but damn even fat dudes look like their getting ass down there. So even I could have a chance...



The chances of anybody finishing undefeated this year is slim so I say we take the top 16 teams at the end of the season and make them submit their hottest girls to a lingerie bowl playoff system. The school with the least amount of chub and the most amount of flat out hotness to go along with nudity wins.

In the end we all win.

BAND OF HORSES NEW VIDEO
I got a chance to go see Band of Horses last night at Park Tavern in Atlanta and I must say they are as good if not better live than listening to their CD. They just released their new album "Cease To Begin" last week which I would highly recommend buying. The whole album seems to calm me down when I'm scrambling to figure out other stuff in life including what to make of college football and this nasty rash I've developed. If you haven't had the chance to check out their music you can listen to their new album on their MySpace page and also by visiting their website.

The best part of last night was the concert was free, the beer was cold, and Band of Horses rocked out on a cool fall night in Atlanta. You can catch them on the Late Show with David Letterman this Thursday night. Here is their new video "Is There a Ghost" which premiered today on MTVU...

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
My head feels like it's going to explode every time I try to put a top 10 together after all these upsets. Can we have just one normal week? Fuck that, this is what makes college football so damn exciting.

1. South Florida-Undefeated and beat two top 20 teams in Auburn and West Virginia. Grothe is fun to watch but with that being said they will probably lose to Rutgers this Thursday.

2. Ohio State-They really haven't played anybody but they are undefeated and have a great defense.

3. Oklahoma-I still can't believe they lost to Colorado, but they have come back to beat both Texas and Missouri.

4. South Carolina-Don't be surprised if Vandy beats them this week.

5. Kentucky-Well, I think we can start the Woodson for H3isman campaign now in Lexington. The game this week against Florida could be more entertaining than an episode of Californication.

6. LSU-The SEC is just too tough to come out undefeated these days especially this year. I rank them behind Kentucky and South Carolina because they lost to Kentucky who lost to South Carolina.

7. Boston College-Untested and really unproven but undefeated no less. Matt Ryan is a good QB but is not Heisman worthy in my opinion.

8. Arizona State-Dennis Erickson has Rudy Carpenter back on track and undefeated.

9. Cal-Almost won despite not having their starting quarterback and a banged up Desean Jackson. I reacted just like Jeff Tedford on the last play of the game.

10. Oregon-I would have them higher but I can't rank them ahead of Cal since they did lose to them. Right pollsters?

Just missed the cut: West Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Missouri, Michigan

IS SOUTH FLORIDA THE #1 TEAM?
They have Auburn and West Virginia as their quality wins and are still undefeated. Will somebody please make an argument why this team should not be #1 after this week. Fucking South Florida, the Bulls, who started playing D1 football 11 years ago, is the best team in the country.

Just shoot me now...or better yet, get me a drink.

WAIT A SECOND, MLB PLAYERS DO PERFORMING ENHANCING DRUGS?
Call me cynical, but I never would have thought there would be more names surfacing in this whole steroids/hgh/cattle roids drama in Major League Baseball. Oh wait, that is why I have been so uninterested in baseball lately.

The latest from Buster Olney is about the George Mitchell probe which is about to reveal a lot more players who were using illegal performance enhancing drugs. So besides the obvious guys at the top of my head like Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Miguel Tejada, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Kyle Farnsworth, Roger Clemens, Chipper Jones, Luis Gonzalez, Brady Anderson, Albert Belle, Brett Boone, Troy Glaus, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts,Juan Gonzalez, Ruben Sierra, Julio Franco, Ivan Rodriguez, Eric Gagne, Troy Percival, Andruw Jones, Jim Thome, Todd Helton, Adam Dunn, Jose Valentin, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Andres Galarraga, Larry Walker, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, Greg Vaughn, Nomar Garciaparra, Cliff Floyd, Tony Batista, Gary Matthew Jr., Eric Chavez, Derrek Lee, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Jose Hernandez, Jose Guillen, Moises Alou, Shawn Green, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Edgar Martinez, Vinny Castilla, Steve Finley, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Tim Salmon, Todd Helton, Rondell White, Mike Sweeney, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles, Marcus Giles, Ken Caminiti, Preston Wilson, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, Raul Mondesi, Dante Bichette, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Ray Durham, Carlos Pena, David Segui, Jose Cruz Jr., Damion Easley, Rich Aurilia, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, and JD Drew that there are actually others involved?

NO WAY!

It's just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan and knowing how incompetent Bud Selig is as a commissioner all together I wouldn't be shocked if it happened right around the start of the World Series.

I love baseball and my hope is the Mitchell investigation will help clean up the sport for good.

Ignore Dawson on the left, you see who that is on the right shotgunning a frosty Miller Lite? It's none other than Justin fucking Timberlake guzzling one at Lambeau Field. Not only has JT gotten the chance to lay the pipe in Jessica Biel, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears (before her breakdown), and Cameron Diaz, but he also gets a chance to be put in a cage in Green Bay and slug beers while others watch.

You don't get it, everything he has done I dream about. Everything besides fucking Dawson of course.

You can see more pictures over at Deadspin.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM DEADLINE
Just a reminder to get your weekly picks in before the 5 pm eastern time deadline for the Sportscrack College Football Pick Em Contest. You have less than 3 hours and plenty of brain cells to kill this weekend while slumped on your couch cursing at Verne Lundquist because he keeps winking at you and telling you sweet nothings.

Okay, well maybe that is just me, but you get the point.

THE WEEKLY LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK

I can hardly understand a quarter of the words he spits out these days but I think Holtz is one hell of a motivator. If only I had a coach of his high energy then maybe I would have done something other with my life than stare at people in malls while thinking about what I was going to do next after finishing this delicious Orange Julius.

Imagine if The Lisp was a sex counselor. "Men you need to get yourself hard in order to penetrate and satisfy that lovely thing you call your wife. Now go out there and get it done."

Or maybe Holtz could have been a general in the Army. Now that I think of it I do believe Holtzie was a general. You want proof, well then you go over there and...

P.S-The clip is from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, one of the all-time great comedies that nobody saw because Americans hate Canadians not named Pamela Anderson, Jim Carrey, or Celine Dion. Allthough I do think a lot of Americans hate Celine Dion but maybe not as much as I do.

REGGIE BUSH SCANDAL
With the latest news on the sports marketer apparently giving up evidence he gave Bush and his family $280,000 worth of benefits while at USC on the horizon, it's only a matter of time before USC and Pete Carroll go down hard. It has been a tough couple of weeks for the USC family. First they lose to Stanford, a team that has a fucking tree as a mascot and is named for a color. Then Matt Leinart bitches about his playing time in Arizona only to break his collarbone the same week and end his season. Now the Bush scandal comes back up like an old painful Leinart festering cold sore.

The only way USC will be punished is if the NCAA can prove they knew what was going on at the time. Good luck with that.

When reached for comment, Pete Carroll declined in order to finish up his new commercial, Mister Potato...

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED HOW MUCH I HATE ESPN?
Well, ESPN is up to their same old bullshit and trying to ruin sports for all of us. Read this wonderful article about the digging up of George Gipp's grave for "research" purposes. Seriously, read it before you read my response.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Hold.

Hold.

Must keep in anger. Hulk get mad.

Deep breath.

Okay, I want to know what the rest of the Sportscrack nation thinks about ESPN filming Gipp's body being exhumed for purposes of DNA testing. Whether you are a fan of Notre Dame or not, I would think most of you would cringe at the thought of somebody digging up a loved member of your family or friend for the purposes of exploiting it on television.

I've said it a million times and I think it bears repeating: ESPN AS A WHOLE IS A SOUL LESS PIECE OF CORPORATE SHITBAG WITHOUT ANY RESEMBLENCE OF MORALS OR INTEGRITY TO MANKIND. And this is coming from me, about as soul less as a human being could possibly be. If I think it is sick then I know some Holy Spirit or God is looking down and crossing off souls as we speak.

ESPN to me is more evil than Enron, Ticketmaster, and Barry Bonds put together. Ever since Disney bought them out they have become a horribly biased network covering sports with the purpose of making as much money off it while exploiting anybody in order to make a dime. It is what they are good at and yet we still watch their crap. If only Disney decided to leave sports alone then I'm sure the world would be a much better place instead of the Magical Kingdom of hell they have helped create.

I now wonder if ESPN is trying to dig up Knute Rockne's grave because they have good word from reliable sources that he might be a relative of Hitler who single handidly started the Great Depression with the purpose of destroying America. I think I read it on a ESPN.com rumor page.

R.I.P George Gipp. If only it could be that simple.

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

Clever, I must admit especially coming from a Boston College fan. It's Fredos right to talk trash since they have pretty much owned this series in terms of upsets.

But things are different this Saturday. Backup College comes in as the overwhelming favorite due to a Heisman worthy QB and an origami schedule made of false dreams and irrational thinking. For all intended purposes they should kick Notre Dame's ass.

The Irish have the worst offense in the nation statistically speaking and apparently BC has the Better Christians. So it should be over pretty quickly right?

I think it is about time for BC's dream season to come to an abrupt end. Time for a little community service to right all the wrongs this college football season has become....

BC=Second rate whores always after their money.

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
1. LSU TIGERS-Clearly the best team in the country till they lose to Kentucky...wait for it, wait for it...gotcha fucker.
2. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES-They haven't played anybody worth a shit but they have a really good defense with one of the best coaches in the game along with a weak Big 10 schedule.
3. CAL BEARS-I'm still not convinced this team is for real. Offensively I like them a lot, defensively there is nothing to desire.
4. SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS-I don't know what to say, I just put South Florida as a top 5 team in the country. I'm completely lost this season.
5. OKLAHOMA SOONERS-They rebounded against Texas and now face a stern test from Missouri.
6. MIZZOU TIGERS-Chase Daniel could become an instant cult hit in Missouri if he beats the Sooners.
7. BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES-Notre Dame will get the chance to spoil their season for a change.
8. FLORIDA GATORS-I know they have lost two games but both came within the last minute in which they could have easily won both against LSU and Auburn.
9. OREGON DUCKS-If Desean Jackson doesn't exist they are sitting undefeated with a good chance at a National Title.
10. ILLINOIS FIGHTIN ILLINI-You know the season is totally whacked when Illinois makes an appearance in the top 10 along with Mizzou, Boston College, and South Florida.

This top ten poll has me totally lost, confused, and shaking like I just got violated by a drunk touchy feely Mark May at a Christmas party. I love College Football, but if this insanity keeps going I'm going to have to focus 95% of my energy on internet porn instead of the 90% I do now.


I will take a G and T now, thank you very much.

RANDOM JOKE
Big Talk

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


Jessica Simpson likes it.

EDDIE VEDDER IS BACK
It has been too damn long since I've heard the sweet voice of Eddie Vedder. Here is his latest song, Hard Sun, from the motion picture Into the Wild.

Vedder did the complete motion picture soundtrack for the film which is out in theaters. The film is based upon the book Into the Wild, a story about Christopher McCandless who graduates Emory University and decides to travel to Alaska. In doing so he gives up a life of material worth to travel and see the world through the eyes of the lonely wilderness.

It's great to hear Vedder. I used to listen to all of his acoustic bootleg cds back in high school and this album reminds me of those days when I could actually grow my hair out and get drunk off a 6 pack.

You can listen to more songs on the album and order it by clicking this link.

I can't stop listening to the song Society, in fact I put it as my profile song on Myspace if you want to listen to it.

THE YANKEES LOSE

Now it's time for Manny Ramirez and the Boston Red Sox to fail miserably against the Cleveland Indians. I vision JD Drew ruining any chance for the Red Sux not by his play but by his general demeanor.

Oh, and congrats to Mike Mussina. He left Baltimore in order to sell his soul and win a championship with the Yankees over 6 years ago. As you can tell I'm still not bitter about it at all. Anyways he is now an after thought in New York who gets booed more often than Joe Torre and he is still working on that championship thingy.

My Orioles suck but at least the Yankees Suck also.

HEISMAN TOP 5
First off I want to say making this list left me more conflicted than a whore at a Eagle Scout meeting. I mean, how can you pick one winner when really all of them have at least some resemblance of greatness in them? So with that I proudly crack open...a beer! Remember people, beer is food in liquid God-like form. Sweet nectar of life. Beer will solve all of your problems I remind myself. Oh fuck, I'm talking to myself again. At least someone will talk to me. Thank you Mr. Bud Light. You are so funny and you get all of my jokes unlike those stuffy judges and cops who always want to push their "rules and regulations" on you. You wanna make love?

Okay, enough of the shenanigans or this list will take me 20 more hours/beers and 50 more pit stops at the urinal before I pass out and forget that every black running back in college loves to eat crab legs. I'm serious and I honestly don't get it. Is it some kind of inside joke? Is it code for Red Snapper for white males? Last week I was watching West Virginia play and the device with flickering lights told me that Pat White and Steve Slaton both love to eat crab legs. Excuse me, in fucking West Virginia! Your lucky if you can find something besides a Butt King or a CrackDonalds to wet your appetite. And now this week I learned PJ Hill's favorite food is crab legs. I would have taken him seriously if he said crabs dipped in cheese dip but he didn't. Nobody in Wisconsin eats seafood. They eat brats with cheese and beer and generally die before the age of 60. It is what Wisconsin does. I only know this from watching "That 70's Show."

Okay, seriously, here is the list:

1. John David Booty
2. Troy Smith
3. USC's defense
4. Overrated QB for #1 team
5. Jimmy Clausen

Enough of the sarcasm, the Heisman is serious business, or as Lou Holtz would call it blithfuss.

1. Arkansas runningback-I can't give it to just one guy. Felix Jones is averaging over 10 yards a carry! For the season!!! Can I put some more asterisks in there for dramatic effect? I'm getting more excited than Tim Kurkjian looking at a box score. D-Mac and Jones are both tearing it up and I can't honestly say one is better than the other right now. I mean I think I know D-Mac is the more dynamic player but Jones has been a stud all season and can return kicks with the best of them. We have had co-MVPS in other sports, why not the Heisman?

2. Tim Tebow-He almost beat LSU by himself. Going into the game I thought there was no way he could survive running into their stout defense play after play. Well, he did it and nearly won the game for them. One has to wonder if Urban Meyer is thinking about putting Tebow at LB. In fact, if Tebow was playing linebacker too he would have stopped Lester at the goal line. And no, I don't care if Florida has two losses. It wasn't Tebow's fault and I don't believe in punishing candidates only because their team loses.

3. Chase Daniel-Mizzou is 5-0 thanks to Chase and his ability to hit receivers in stride and also tuck the ball and get an important first down. With this being said I could see Oklahoma tearing up Mizzou this week and making this pick a one week honor.

4. Andre Woodson-I know he had a bad game on national television against South Carolina but I still believe he is the best drop back QB in the nation. If he can somehow lead the Wildcats to an upset over LSU then he could become the leading candidate. I know, there is no way LSU can lose...right? I mean just because USC lost to Stanford doesn't mean every team will lose to shitty inferior competition.

5. Mike Hart-It was between Hart and Mendenhall. You really can't go wrong with either. Hart has carried the Wolverines and in a way so has Mendenhall. But I guess with Hart you know he is going to put a team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. Sounds like a Heisman contender to me.

Just missed the cut: Matt Ryan, Desean Jackson, Sam Bradford, Pat White

Coming soon, I swear you filthy addicts:
1) New top 10 poll(FUSC)
2) Midseason All-American team(interesting decision for RB)
3) New Heisman top 5 (I so wanted to put Booty in there because he plays for USC and he must be good right, right?)
4) Baseball playoff talk (Oh fuck me, the Red Sox and the Yankees are still in this damn thing, no wonder I haven't been watching)
5) Random jokes
6) NHL Preview (I think the season starts in a few days, I better start previewing, Go Thrashers!)
7) Family Guy references....

THIS IS WHY NOBODY WATCHES VERSUS

Umm, "touchdown USC" is not quite the appropriate call there when Stanford just scored the tying touchdown. And then the other announcer fucks up saying "Jim Harbaugh is going to go for the tie right here" when in fact they just scored a touchdown all they have to do is kick the extra point to win it.

Now I know watching USC lose to Stanford is shocking in its own right, but come on man. This could have been your signature call for an all-time moment yet you screwed it up worse than Britney Spears at the VMA's. If the Brit is doing better than you right now then you know you have problems.

But if your Versus at least you have the NHL to fail back on (crickets chirping in the background)....oh well, USC lost, so thank you Versus for at the very least televising a great moment in sports history with maybe two of the biggest blunders in broadcasting.

Don't think I won't forget about those outrageous, no, no....