OVECHKIN MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE ATHLETE

Alexander Ovechkin is the best player in hockey and dominates his sport in a way that only Lebron James and Tiger Woods can relate. He may not be the prettiest guy to look at but the Ruskie has charisma, grit, and the ability to score no matter where he is on the ice. It's hard for me to say these things too when I'm a total homer for fellow Russian and current Atlanta Thrasher Ilya Kovalchuk. What I like most about Ovechkin is he doesn't give a shit. He plays his game, he throws his body around and scores hat tricks in the playoffs that almost brings the Verizon Center roof crumbling down because the crowd has Ovie Mania!

And oh yeah, he joins in singing "You Suck!" with the crowd...


How can you not root for a guy like that?

Just take a look at Capitals Reporter Lisa Hillary's reaction when she thinks she sees Ovechkin...


Sorry Lisa, that ain't no rat. It's the guy who could bring a Cup to D.C.

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH NATALIE PORTMAN

"You shaved your head for V for Vendetta...did you also shave your v for va....?"

-priceless question by Galifianakis, one I don't think I would have the balls to ask the young "acteress" Portman. Bravo Zach, bravo.

DIRK BEING DIRK

If there is one thing German basketball superstars know what to do, and I've been saying this for years, it's how to knock up a crazy lady with a checkered past and then get her arrested. This story is just too bizarre, or complicated for a simpleton like myself, to explain so I will let CBS11 out of Dallas explain Dirk Nowitzki's love life...

Dallas police officers arrested 37-year-old Cristal Taylor Wednesday morning at Dallas Mavericks player Dirk Nowitzki's house on a fraud warrant. Thursday she remained in the Dallas County Jail on $20,000 bond.

CBS 11 News has learned that a team of three attorneys converged on Dirk's house, along with several members of law enforcement, Wednesday. Among them a retired FBI agent who is now a private investigator that was either hired by Dirk or his attorneys. At least one of the attorneys specializes in family law.

Sources also say when Taylor was being arrested she was concerned about parting with the $250,000 ring she was wearing.

A woman who claims to be Taylor's best friend...says Nowitzki and Cristal Taylor were engaged--and that she is pregnant.

Taylor's friend also says Nowitzki knew Taylor had a checkered past, but adds that neither she nor Nowitzki knew Taylor had outstanding warrants.

The friend says that when Taylor was taken to the Dallas County Jail Wednesday, the staff took a urine sample and told her she's pregnant. An individual who spent the night in jail with Taylor also tells CBS 11 News that Taylor is claiming to be pregnant.

Damn, Dirk just got slammed all in his face with some psycho bitch who not only managed to get engaged but knocked up with a little Dirk dribbling inside her. This "Cristal", if that is her real name, is obviously preying on The High Flying Deutschman to get money now and eventual alimony plus child support once they separate which is inevitable after she gives birth. Poor Dirk, I feel bad for him. Love shouldn't be so costly. But for entertainment purposes it's great.

Good luck concentrating on the playoff game tonight Dirk.

MANNY BUSTED FOR BEING MANNY

Of course my internet has been out all fucking morning so I'm only the 350,000th person to report that Manny Ramirez was busted for using "performance enhancing drugs." His 50 game suspension comes as a shock to some but not me. If anybody was going to get busted for doing something stupid like using PED's then I would have thought Manny would be one of the first guys. Hell, Jose "The Saint" Canseco told us a month ago that he thought there was a 90% chance Manny was using shit to help his performance. And if there is anybody we can trust with telling the truth in baseball it is Mr. Bash Brother Canseco.

But was he using shit to help hit a baseball or was he using prescriptions to help his slugging percentage beneath the sheets? Yahoo Sports has a report saying that a source close to Manny can confirm that he wasn't busted for steroids or HGH but rather a sexual enhancer...

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the substance is supposed to boost sex drive. It is not Viagra, but a substance that treats the cause rather providing a temporary boost in sexual performance, the source said.

The Major League baseball list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, which can cause sexual dysfunction.

So with this report from Yahoo we really have no idea what the hell is going on with Manny Ramirez. Apparently his limp dick or bitch tits or whatever you want to call it has earned himself a 50 game suspension. Manny isn't appealing the decision and has accepted his fallacy with this released statement from himself or somebody who actually knows how to write in English...

“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons."

And if you are wondering about a shirt involving Manny Being Manny you have absolutely no worries. It will be done by Sportscrack...

Above design is a trademark of Sportscrack LLC so don't get any fucking ideas about stealing it and using it as your own. I know people.

BOBBY SCALES FINALLY GOT HIS MLB MOMENT

I have been meaning to post about this for a couple of days. Former Milton High School second baseman Bobby Scales got his first major league hit yesterday off reigning Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum. After 11 long years of only playing in the minor leagues it was great to see a former Milton baseball player who I once played with get his shot at big league pitching for the first time in his career.

Scales had garnered over 3300 minor league at-bats with 4 different organizations before finally getting his call up two days ago. To see him rock a solid single opposite field off Lincecum gave me the chills. Scales has always played for the love of the game and was always known as a "hustle" guy who always busted his ass. I feel great for him and I hope he can stay with the Cubs till the end of the season although that is in doubt when Carlos Zambrano comes back off the DL. He deserves it for gutting it out all these years. God knows I wouldn't.

But nevertheless this day in Sportscrack is dedicated to Bobby. You can check out his first hit and his great diving stop to rob a hit with this video from MLB. Scales now joins Kyle Farnsworth(fellow Milton grad), Michael Barrett, Nick Green, and Corey Patterson in a list of players I either played against or with during my non illustrious baseball career.

If you want to book me for an autograph show you can email me at crappybaseballplayer@sportscrack.com

HT: Yahoo

THE KENTUCKY DERBY LOOKS LIKE FUN

I think going to the Kentucky Derby at Churchhill Downs is one of those right of passages every sports fan should do. I've attended games in Wrigley, Fenway, and Notre Dame Stadium and lived to tell the stories. Unfortunately I have never been to the Derby. I've done Preakness many of times but have never gotten my ass up to Kentucky for the first leg of the Triple Crown. After seeing the mud wrestling above I think next year might be a good time to make my first trek. The infield is where all the chaos and fun happens. This year they had over 150,000 people (mind you mostly drunk) attend and their television ratings were the highest in almost two decades. Horse racing is alive and well. So is mud wrestling in bikinis. The mud wrestling video makes me proud to be an American. That and our insane tax system.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS JERRY RICE WEARING?

In between watching the Atlanta Hawks get run all over by King James in the playoffs and viewing the Braves lose yet again to the lowly stinkin' Mets I somehow managed to "accidentally" flip on ABC. And what do you fucking know it's "Dancing with the C-list Stars" on and my jaw literally dropped, hit the floor, came back up and kicked me in the nuts before I laughed out loud.... "WHAT THE FUCK IS JERRY RICE WEARING?" I finally found a clip of it so you can see the NFL Hall of Famer making a complete and utter ass of himself on national television. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark of the video...

They call it "Dance Center" but I call it "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Center" hosted by Kenny Mayne. I know they were going for comedy but this is ABC. I honestly can't remember the last funny thing I saw on ABC other than the Presidential debates. Seriously Jerry, what the hell are you doing? I know that 80% of NFL players go broke within 10 years of retirement but the greatest receiver of all-time can't be hurting this bad for cash. Can he? I was just waiting for him to stand up and reveal the assless chaps he was no doubt wearing with two cartoon faces of Joe Montana and Steve Young on each cheek.

Not that there is anything wrong with that kind of behavior mind ya (covering my gay hate mail).

RICK ANKIEL STICKS HIS NECK OUT

Rick Ankiel aka Ricky Vaughn made this spectacular catch last night in Citizen's Bank Park against the Phillies. No need to worry about that jarring hit into the outfield padding. He is walking and in perfectly good health today. I forgot to mention that last week I got to see the St. Louis Cardinals play in Atlanta. I got down there kind of early so I could watch some batting practice, drink a cold beer(translation: beers in the parking lot before going in and dishing out $7 per) and beat the clusterfuck known as Atlanta traffic.

"The Ted" as I call is just south of the capital and unfortunately like most of metro Atlanta residents I live just north of the city. Three major highways converge in downtown Atlanta so you can only imagine how much of a headache I get just thinking about driving down to the Braves games. If people outside of Atlanta wonder why the Braves attendance can be poor at times they should note that traffic blows and Marta doesn't even drop off at The Ted.

On with the festivities known as batting practice. Our seats were on the visiting side dugout so I decided to go down near the Cardinals' dugout and watch the great MVPujols and perhaps get a picture with him and the shirt for the website. Pujols was of course bombing balls out of the park and joking around with teammates. You can see that his teammates really like him and now I can fully understand why the media gives him a pass when it comes to the steroid era. Anyways we are standing there waiting for Pujols when this cocky, arrogant piece of shit with sunglasses comes out of the dugout. You can already tell that this rookie is not very liked by his teammates because they tend to ignore him. He has this swagger and cock sure attitude that he is the shit. I don't want to give away his name for fear of embarrassing him. Let's just say his name is Colby Assmunch. Assmunch comes over to the side of the dugout and asks the kid behind me who is apparently one of his friends from Columbus I believe if he brought "the stuff." The guy nods yes and hands him this small brown leather bag that Assmunch quickly puts in his windbreaker pocket so no one can see it.

So my question is what could it have been? It was too small to be buttdarts but it could have been anal beads for Assmunch. HGH? Protein? I don't know what it was but Assmunch didn't want anyone else to know either so it makes me think it had to be something either illegal or incriminating.

Enough of that dickweed talk. The real treat was watching Pujols in batting practice. I didn't get a picture with the guy but I did get an autograph ball. And yes, I squealed like a little girl and soiled my pants immediately upon receiving. The moral of the story is Pujols cool. Assmunch not.

Video HT: WithLeather via The Fightins

GOOD MORNING, MEGAN FOX VIDEO

I got nothing else to say. Oh yeah...you're welcome.

SHANE BATTIER: WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS?

If bleeding is amazing then Shane Battier is your man NBA. He was known to bleed for five days while in college in Durham without dying so I guess that is pretty amazing. The Houston Rockets shocked the world last night by taking game 1 from the Kobe "No means No" Lakers in front of the glitz and glamour of soul less celebrities who think they are the shit. It must be pretty embarrassing to have the Duke Floppy outshine ya with his bloody gash.

OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN!

Yesterday the best player in basketball got his first MVP while the best player in hockey collected his first playoff hat trick. The Washington Capitals Alexander Ovechkin was absolutely sick last night putting the Caps on his back and carrying them to a 4-3 victory over Sidney Crosby's swollen labia (HT to Rivells).

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

Come on Crosby. Grow some fucking balls and shut the fuck up. Crosby did have a hat trick himself but seemed to be bothered by Ovechkin stealing his thunder and/or panties.

With the Caps up 2-0 in the series you would think they are in relative control but if you know anything about Washington hockey playoff history and I'm sure you don't they are known for blowing 2-0 leads. In a series with three of the best players in the game (Evgeni Malkin the other) expect the Penguins to bounce back in game 3 back in Pittsburgh.

DENISE RICHARDS SINGS AS WELL AS SHE ACTS

Unfortunately for Cubs fans they not only had to sit through this garbage from Richards but also never got the opportunity to see her wonderful fun bags. Her croaking "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" broke windows no doubt. Seriously, why the fuck is Denise Richards singing at Wrigley? I presume she is not a Cubs fan or even a baseball fan for that matter. Dumb chicks like her think catcher's mitts are slang for their privates. Her mitt has been beaten by every director west of the Mississippi and still she can't get roles. But yeah, she can get a singing engagement for the 35,000 plus drunks in Wrigley. Only in America.

RICKY HATTON DEMOLISHED BY PACQUIAO

I don't think Ricky Hatton has ever taken on the concept of defensive boxing. Pac Man absolutely destroyed Hatton with his speed and power, especially with his right hook. Pacquiao is a great boxer and Hatton is garbage. Hatton has no business fighting anybody with any sort of belt that is recognized in the States. Hopefully this will set up a fight between Pacquiao and Mayweather in the near future. Mayweather has come out of retirement and will seek to reclaim "the best pound for pound boxer" title he has lost to the Pac Man since he last fought in 2007 when he too knocked out Hatton.

It would be a hell of a fight. Right now I would put my money on Pacquiao over the boisterous Mayweather.

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

TOM BRADY IS ONE LUCKY DUDE

Man, I wish I could see a picture of my wife being groped by naked muscular black men. Tom Brady has to be the luckiest guy in the world today. I can only imagine what his teammates are going to say to him in the locker room. Randy Moss is going to be all over Giselle.

I can see Tom Brady right now. Giving his little temper tantrum face and crying into Bill Belichick's hoodie. "She told me she only had eyes for me!" I think the percentage is pretty high that Giselle at the very least nailed one of those black dudes. I'm going to say two. And don't give me the shit about her being a model and it's artistic garbage. She nailed them and now Tom Brady will have to face this picture when Moss tapes it up on his locker come two-a-days.

Haha..."come two-a-days"...that's what Giselle said.


Image HT: The Arab Aquarius

DENISE RICHARDS' FUNBAGS

What an incredible actress Ms. Richards has become. She is so convincing with her spray tan and fake smile and tits I almost got her confused with Meryl Streep. It really is a shame she hasn't been recognized for her incredible work in Starship Troopers and Undercover Brother. One of these days Hollywood will recognize her incredible Funbags skit and acknowledge her gifts which keep on giving. Charlie Sheen has been so kind to donate money on a monthly rate to Richards because of her convincing act.

J-SMOOTH TOMAHAWKS THE HEAT

Josh Smith has at least one of these a night. A straight drive down the lane throw down that gets the crowd at Philips Arena off their asses and cheering for the hometown Hawks. Once again the Hawks blew out the Heat to take a 3-2 series lead with game 6 going back to South Beach. Not one of the games in the series has been decided by less than double digits. If the Hawks can close it out in Miami they get to travel to Cleveland with a Lebron date on the docket. Laugh all you want but I think it would be a hell of a series at least in the entertainment department with Lebron and J-Smooth trying to one up one another with monster dunks. But of course it relies on the Hawks closing out the Heat. And if you know anything about Atlanta Hawks basketball the furthest thing they are known as is closers. Al Horford is down with a sprained ankle and might not play in game 6 or game 7 if necessary.

The Denver Nuggets clinched their first playoff series win since 1994 with another stomping of the Hornets. It's amazing to think the Nuggets haven't won a playoff series since Mutombo came down with that memorable rebound after they upset the
Sonics in '94. Chauncey Billups has been the difference as the Nuggets will face the Dallas Mavericks in the second round. They should blow out the Mavericks and eventually face the Lakers for a ticket to the NBA Finals. The way the Nuggets are playing right now I would not bet against them. Especially when you have The Birdman throwing down oops...

MCLOVIN IS A CELTICS FAN

Who would have thought McLovin was a chowderhead? He could identify with Brad Miller getting popped in the head.

Image HT: BarStoolSports

EVEN BATMAN IS BROKE

Bernie Madoff even got Batman aka Adam West's money. It's just not right.

MLB'S MATT VASGERSIAN THINKS ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK LIKE DONOVAN MCNABB

Let me start off by first saying that I love the MLB Network. If you are a baseball fan it is the greatest thing to happen since Albert Pujols passed his drug test. ESPN's coverage of baseball is so GD awful and bias that it is hard to stomach. So the MLB Network coming along is a great thing because you know, they actually talk about teams other than the big market ones that are near Bristol. Matt Vasgersian can be pretty witty and funny. Obviously he was going for both right here with Mitch Williams and Billy Ripken in the studio and wasn't serious. So if anybody thinks Vasgersian is racist for mentioning that the EMT was Donovan McNabb obviously doesn't understand racist humor. See, as long as you laugh it isn't racist. I laughed. Not racist. End of story. You can find my Irish ass drinking at the local watering hole after work if you want to discuss the merits of racist jokes. Oh, don't worry, I've been drinking all day in case you were wondering.

Video HT: WithLeather

UPDATE:Vasgersian offered up an apology last night on the MLB Network for his poor timing and attempt at humor...

BEND BUT DON'T BREAK

Notre Dame football players Robby Parris, Pat Kuntz, Armando Allen, and James Aldridge have their own version of the 7th floor crew. The "Bend But Don't Break" song features recent grad and new Indianapolis Colt defensive lineman Pat Kuntz rocking the wife beater and the cut off jean shorts. Sounds like a Florida Gator to me. Parris is in the Titleist hat and will be right behind Michael Floyd and Golden Tate on the depth chart this fall at wide receiver. Armando sounds like he has the most flow and I will forgive him for wearing the Yankees hat. Just get in the end zone this fall Armando and all will be forgotten. And "The Moose" James Aldridge is on the backup vocals. He will be trying to survive his senior season in South Bend at fullback after a switch from tailback due to injuries and depth chart issues.

I'm kind of disappointed they didn't get down and dirty like former Miami Hurricanes players Greg Olsen(a ND transfer), Jon Beason, Darnell Jenkins, and Tavares Gooden with the 7th floor crew...



Actually, maybe it's a good thing they didn't get too dirty. The media would have a field day if Notre Dame football players were rapping about sex acts. Now that I think about it this will probably be controversial because it involves talk about loving "the green", guns and getting money from Notre Dame football players at a school that preaches Catholic values. Oh well, they will have to get over it.

"LADY AND THE TRAMP" AND MICHAEL VICK

I'm sorry but I'm a dog lover and I still laughed when I saw this on Family Guy. Does this make me a bad person like Michael Vick? No, it's Disney's fault for calling the dog a tramp. They are the bad guys.

SOME INTERESTING HOCKEY HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS WEEKEND

First we have a couple of fans who appear to be celebrating the good old fashion way. And by good old fashion I mean giving head...

Wow, that father and son combo are awfully close. It doesn't surprise me, after all, they are Carolina Hurricanes fans. Those people are just dirty.

The second clip we have from this past weekend is of Chicago defenseman Matt Walker showing off his broken finger to a couple of lucky ladies...


Both clips via Deadspinvia PuckDaddy

SORRY QUAN COSBY BUT THERE IS ALWAYS THE "CANADIAN LEAGUE"

The great Bill Cosby made a guest appearance on ESPN's coverage of the NFL Draft yesterday and provided some funny insight to Texas wide receiver Quan Cosby (no relation) in regards to the draft. And of course Erin Andrews, you might have heard of her, is right in the middle of this funny exchange. Poor Quan never got drafted. Can you say awkward exchange?

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

IS THE ULTIMATE QB TIM TEBOW BOWING TO BARACK OBAMA?

To me it looks like Tim Tebow has the biggest "eat shit" look on his face. I'm serious. It's like Tebow doesn't even want to be there. He has circumcisions to perform in third world countries my friends. But why would Tebow bow to Obama while giving him the death stare? This original picture will be worth millions in 20 years when Tim Tebow is elected our President. Tebow has future presidential candidate written all over his face and resume.

Or maybe, just maybe, Tebow took this Obama quote as a dig to his team...

"I don't want to stir up controversy," Obama said. "You guys are the national champions -- I'm not backing off the fact we need a playoff system. But I have every confidence that you guys could have beat anybody else. And so we'll see how that plays itself out."

Tebow responded with this promise to Obama...

“To the fans and everybody in the White House, I’m sorry. I’m extremely sorry. We were hoping for a playoff. That was my goal, something college football has never done here.”

“I promise you one thing, a lot of shit will come out of this. You will never see any player in the entire country cut as many penises as I will the rest of the season, one of them being John Swofford for promoting this ridiculous system. You will never see someone push the BCS around as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season.”

“You will never see a meaningless bowl game on January 4th again.”

“God Bless and Fuck the BCS!”

TROY POLAMALU AND LARRY FITZGERALD CHOSEN FOR MADDEN 2010 COVER

For the first time we have two NFL players gracing the cover of the popular video game. Good choices. Polamalu is one of the premier defensive stars in the league and the same can be said for Fitzgerald on the offensive side of the ball. It also officially eliminates these two from making the playoffs this year. So if you are a Baltimore Ravens or Atlanta Falcons fan you should be very happy these two are Madden video game cover models. It's like "Final Destination" for Polamalu and Fitzgerald. You can't escape fate. The Madden Curse will find you.

NAKED HIPPIE GETS TASED (NSFW)

Normally I don't agree with the police using excessive force but this guy is just an idiot who was given many chances to just put some clothes on. Nobody wants to see your peanut dick at a concert. Hope those shrooms were worth the night in jail and the lifetime full of embarrassment because the whole world had to squint just to make out a penis. Seriously, did the doctor not circumcise this dirty hippy or what? This video is not safe for work by the way. But it is funny as hell because you are just waiting to see eraser dick get tasered. And to top it all off the guy was in a wizard suit before he stripped down while tripping his ass off.

TONY GONZALEZ WILL GET HIS RING IN ATLANTA

Perennial Pro Bowl Tight End and future Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez has been traded to the Atlanta Falcons for a 2010 second round draft pick. This is a hell of a trade for the Atlanta Falcons and Tony Gonzalez. The Falcons get a tight end they have been craving since they released Alge Crumpler's big ass a few seasons ago. Gonzalez had over 90 catches and 1000 yards receiving for the 2 win Kansas City Chiefs last year. The guy still has mad game. He wanted out of KC and there really wasn't a better place to go than Atlanta.

He will be catching lazer beams from Matt Ryan and will be part of a prolific offense that features star running backs Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood and up and coming receivers Roddy White, Michael Jenkins, and Harry Dugan Douglas. The Falcons are going to have an offense on par with the Indianapolis Colts of a couple of years ago. Most importantly the trade gives the Falcons chances to improve their defense through the draft. I knew they wouldn't draft Brandon Pettigrew on Saturday because of their defensive needs which are a lot. They have to get a defensive tackle, inside/outside linebacker, and strong safety. They can get a good defensive tackle and/or outside linebacker with their 1st round pick. One of either Peria Jerry of Ole Miss or Rey Maualuga of USC should be available and will start right away. If they are looking for a safety they can get either William Moore of Missouri or David Bruton of Notre Dame later in the 3rd round and up. I think Bruton is going to be a really good pro. His athleticism and smarts are off the charts. I'm sure the Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff has a game plan and knows exactly what he is going to do if the chips fall their way.

And this message is to Tony Gonzalez. You are now out of that hell hole called Kansas City. Great people live in KC and the barbeque is to die for but come on Tony, the women there aren't shit compared to the Atlanta ladies. Pictures like the one above will not happen in Atlanta. We have Southern Belles down here that will knock your socks off. Socks=condoms

Enjoy my brother and help get us Falcons fans a ring...finally. I offer you these in exchange...

BOYANKA ANGELOVA IS AMAZING AND BALLSY

Dude, I just saw this video posted over at BarstoolSports and literally had to pick up my chin from the floor. Holy shit, she made Omar Vizquel and Magic Johnson weep. This girl would make a hell of a point guard. Her name is Boyanka Angelova (yes, the jokes write themselves with that name) and she is from Bulgaria. Her internet fame is about to go off the charts. I'm talking Numa Numa famous or even Fat kid on a Rollercoaster famous.

SPORTSCRACK 2009 NFL MOCK DRAFT

Staff and Knowshon thought the women in Athens were good, wait till they see the NFL 'gina.

Here is the annual Sportscrack NFL Mock Draft. As usual the requirements for this mock draft were cheat sheets from insider scouts such as Mel Kiper and Todd McShay and our own basic knowledge of college football. And lots of beer. To help with the draft I asked my buddy Felix to partake. In other words I threatened him. He obliged after I removed the raw ether soaked rag. They always do. You will notice his writing. It has complete sentences and proper grammar. Nancy Shakespeare writing I call it.

1. Detroit (0-16)-Matthew Stafford, Georgia, QB-The Lions were the only perfect team in the NFL last year so things are looking up in Detroit. Oh wait, by perfect I meant to say they perfected shitholeness. Detroit has a ton of needs and one of those is QB's. The jury is still out on Matthew Stafford much like it was with Matt Ryan last year. Stafford played in the toughest conference and put up admirable numbers although he was overshadowed by Tim Tebow for good reason. Stafford has the arm and the intelligence to be a good NFL QB. But will Detroit put enough pieces around him to make him a success? We will see as Lions fans will get to see Stafford throw bombs to Calvin Johnson for at least the next few seasons.

2. St. Louis (2-14) - Jason Smith, Baylor, OT - (Felix pick) -
Apparently the Rams need a tackle and Jason Smith is a stand-up guy. He's not lazy or crazy like Andre Smith, who will still probably crack the top 10 on the draft board.

Before we go on, I need to disclose something to our trusty readers. I'm using ESPN and other experts as a cheat sheet for this mock draft. I know very little about trying to evaluate the needs of any particular team, or ranking the talents and skills of those available for the draft. If I didn't have these cheat sheets available, I might have taken Percy Harvin at #2 because his speed won me a lot of games on NCAA '09 for PS3 against other online gaming degenerates. His speed helped me crack the top 20 rankings nationwide. And although he seemed to get injured every time I ever played against Ohio State, his ability to take the game over could revive "The Greatest Show on Turf."


3. Kansas City (2-14) - Aaron Curry, Wake Forest, LB-
The Chiefs need help on both sides of the line but Aaron Curry is too talented to pass up at linebacker. This Wake and bake linebacker has runningback speed and can close with the best of them. A student of the game, Curry should step in right away and start once training camp opens. With new QB Matt Cassel the Chiefs might elect to take an offensive tackle like Eugene Monroe to help protect their investment but I believe Curry is just too good to pass up. Plus the Chiefs can always trade up to get an o-lineman in the 2nd or 3rd.

4. Seattle (4-12) - Eugene Monroe, Virginia, OT - (Felix pick)-
Eugene Monroe isn't as lazy or crazy as Andre Smith either. In fact, so far Matt and I have the same first four picks as Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. So where the fuck are our huge paychecks? I hope the even numbers of the first round aren't loaded with offensive linemen. Trying to talk about fat slobs is boring. My fat slob tolerance is already pushed to the limits since Charlie Weis is head coach of my beloved Fighting Irish.

5. Cleveland (4-12) - Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech, WR -
Does anything good besides Lebron James come out of Cleveland? The Browns continue their dumb shit moves this offseason by hiring Eric Mangini. Now they want to get rid of Brady Quinn and Braylon Edwards, two supreme talents who deserve to be playing anywhere besides Cleveland. I think Crabtree is going to be a good pro but his career could be fucked in Cleveland. It's the abyss of pro football. Drafting receivers this high usually don't pan out. Look up the numbers because I'm too fucking lazy to do it for you.

6. Cincinnati (4-11-1) - Andre Smith, Alabama, OT - (Felix Pick)-
What did I JUST SAY about even numbers draft picks and offensive linemen? Fuck. So the Bungles want a crazy and lazy dude to protect the knees of Carson Palmer. Brilliant move. But I could really care less. I don't like the USC Trojans or anything associated with them, so his health is not of my concern.

And in just a few weeks time, we'll hear Roger Goodell say, "With the sixth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bungles select Andre Smith, allowing the University of Alabama to claim another National Championship."

7. Oakland (5-11) - Darrius Heyward-Bey, Maryland, WR -
Al Davis loves speed guys and Heyward-Bey is the fastest player in this draft. Heyward-Bey didn't get a lot of recognition at Maryland because he lacked a QB and because it was Maryland for christ sake. Nobody gives a shit about football in Garyland. In the first wow pick the Raiders will take Heyward-Bey over the likes of Percy Harvin and Jeremy Maclin. Al Davis wouldn't have it any other way.

8. Jacksonville (5-11) - Jeremy Maclin, Missouri, WR - (Felix pick) -
Sweet. Not an offensive lineman.

So as I mentioned earlier, I am using the mock drafts of Mel Kiper and Todd McShay from ESPN.com as a cheat sheet to help me through this. Which leads me to what I REALLY want to talk about. Has anybody else noticed the absolute disdain that Kiper and McShay have for each other? It is painfully obvious each time they are on camera together, that they genuinely dislike each other. ...to be continued...

9. Green Bay (6-10) - Brian Orakpo, Texas, DE -The Packers are going with defense in the first round and have their choice of defensive standouts at this pick. I believe Michael Johnson will be the better pro but I think the Packers like O-Sack-Po more. They could also go with that tub of goo out of Boston College to play nose tackle. Kiper an McShay can argue over this while having make up sex. Those two were made for each other.

10. San Francisco (7-9) - Mark Sanchez, USC, QB -
The Alex Smith experiment looks like it's over. Actually it should have been over as soon as Urban Meyer left for Florida. QB's are a crapshoot in the draft and the 49ers need one badly so they are going to take Sanchez. I could tell you this is a good pick or I could tell you it's a bad pick. Honestly I have no fucking clue. I thought Leinart would be good in the pros. My gut tells me Sanchez will be at least serviceable in the NFL. I don't think he will be a star but I think he can win some games for the 49ers. So that is all you are getting from me in regards to some guy who went to USC. Just talking about Dirty Sanchez makes me want to bathe in vinegar.

11. Buffalo (7-9) - Aaron Maybin, Penn State, DE -
The Bills need a pass rushing specialist who can be effective on the speed rush and Maybin is the guy. Maybin is a little under weight for the role but he should be able to put on some once he starts eating Buffalo Wings. And drink lots of beer. It's called the Fairchild diet, I do it at least twice a week. Sometimes more. I think Maybin will be a good pro and I also think the Bills can contend next season. I wouldn't be surprised if they took Tyson Jackson out of LSU with this pick either.

12. Denver (8-8) - B.J. Raji, Boston College, DT -
The Broncos have a horrible defense and need to build it up starting within. B.J. Raji, if he drops this far, is the best defensive tackle in the draft and should start right away in Denver. Raji came out of nowhere last year and dominated up in Backup College so buyers should be aware of a one hit wonder.

13. Washington (8-8) - Tyson Jackson, LSU, DE -
The Deadskins need a defensive end to rush the passer more than they need a QB who could be a failure. Jackson is another LSU product who would start right away in Washington. The Redskins don't seem to be too happy with Jason Campbell at quarterback but taking Josh Freeman here would be a big mistake in my opinion. The guy has terrible vision and Jackson is a disruptive force who should play in the league for a while.

14. New Orleans (8-8) - Beanie Wells, Ohio State, RB -
Let's be completely honest here. Reggie Bush is not an every down back and either is Beanie. But put them together and you got one hell of a Thunder and Lightning combo that could dominate in the NFC South. The Saints have a need for a defensive back but they know that offense sells tickets and with Beanie they could have one of the best in the NFL.

15. Houston (8-8) - Brian Cushing, USC, LB -
Holy shit, I can't believe I'm taking this roided up cock knocker from USC at 15th. I guess I'm falling for the hype. I've watched Cush play a lot and he doesn't impress me too much. Seems more like a pile jumper. But the NFL scouts love him and somehow he has managed to get another urine sample to pass the drug test. Probably that Mexican Sanchez. Mexicans will do anything for money. Don't believe me? Two words: Donkey show. Or leaf blower if you prefer.

16. San Diego (8-8) - Michael Oher, Ole Miss, OT -
The Chargers are apparently in love with UCONN RB Donald Brown, why I don't know, but Oher will be too tantalizing to pass up. Oher should be a top ten pick and the Chargers are getting a steal with him just like when they got Marcus McNeil 3 years ago. He will play right tackle and open up holes for Darren Sproles to squirt through. Why no mention of Tomlinson? Because this is a no 'gina sports blog.

17. New York Jets (9-7) - Rey Maualuga, USC, LB -
This guy is one nasty mother fucker. I mean it in a good way. Rey Rey is an explosive inside linebacker who punishes people. Hurts them. Rings bells. Knocks people out. He is what you want in an inside linebacker. He has his injury concerns but a talent like this is too hard to pass up. He could make an impact like Pomalulu did in Pittsburgh. And I say this only because they look alike and both went to USC. I'm into generalizations if you haven't already figured it out.

18. Denver (from Chicago)(9-7) - Connor Barwin, Cincinnati, DE/LB -
The Broncos got Raji with their 12th pick and now will take Barwin to play OLB. Barwin can be all over the field and is being compared to Adalius Thomas by NFL scouts. As we all know the Broncos need defensive help, and now a QB because Kyle Orton is a walking Jack Daniels bottle. Barwin will be too tough to pass but I'm not going to lie here. I would love to see them trade one of their picks and get Brady Quinn. Quinn could do legendary things in Denver. In Cleveland he will just rot.

19. Tampa Bay (9-6) - Josh Freeman, Kansas State, QB -
The Succaneers need a future franchise QB and instead of trading for one they will take Josh Freeman. Freeman has a big arm and big body that some scouts are comparing to Daunte Culpepper and/or Ben Roethlisberger. I don't see it but what the fuck do I know? Beer. I know beer pretty well. Too well.

20. Detroit (from Dallas) (9-7) - Robert Ayers, Tennessee, DE/LB -
The Lions need talent at every position. With the drafting of Matthew Stafford they have their future QB. They need to address their linebacking core besides Ernie Sims. Ayers fits the mold. Ayers is explosive and can play with a hand down or at outside linebacker.

21. Philadelphia (9-6-1) - Knowshon Moreno, Georgia, RB -
Can you say steal? Special K has been destroying SEC defenses the past two seasons playing behind a suspect offensive line in Athens. I can only imagine what he will do running behind newly acquired left tackle Jason Peters, whom Andy Reid called the best left tackle in the game. The Eagles can groom Knowshon to replace the aging Brian Westbrook. If the Eagles can get Anquan Boldin they will have one their best offseason ever and should make Donovan McNabb a very happy man.

22. Minnesota (10-6) - Phil Loadholt, Oklahoma, OT -
The Vikings need a right tackle and Loadholt is the best one left on the board. This 6'8, 320 pound specimen was a force in Norman and kept Sam Bradford's uniform oxyclean during his Heisman campaign. This year his duty will be to keep Tavaris Jackson from looking like...Tavaris Jackson. Yeah, good luck with that.

23. New England (11-5) - James Laurinaitis, Ohio State, ILB -
The Patriots are looking for another inside linebacker to team up with last year's rookie sensation Jerod Mayo and the Little Animal would be the perfect fit. Laurinaitis has dropped a lot in the minds of scouts but the Patriots seem to know what they are doing most of the time and the Ohio State product is a football player who can make an impact in the NFL.

24. Atlanta (11-5) - Peria Jerry, Ole Miss, DT -
Everybody, and I mean everybody, has the Falcons taking TE Brandon Pettigrew with this pick. Pettigrew is graded the best tight end in this draft but the Falcons have much bigger needs than tight end receiver. They need defense. It's the only reason why they didn't win the NFC last year. Jerry is a big, punishing defensive tackle that can step in and replace Grady Jackson next season. Plus the Falcons can get another tight end, say a Chase Coffman or Travis Beckum, later in the draft so there is absolutely no reason to draft Pettigrew here.

25. Miami (11-5) - Clay Matthews, USC, LB -
The Dolphins need an outside linebacker to replace the aging Joey Porter and Matthews seems to be the best one left on the board according to scouts. Matthews comes from an NFL pedigree, the 4th who will play in the league once drafted, and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Not the greatest athletically, he knows his assignments and is a fundamentally strong football player. The Dolphins could go Hakeem Nicks here but South Beach might be a little too much for puff-puff.

26. Baltimore (11-5) - Brandon Pettigrew, Oklahoma State, TE -
The Ravens have a need at ILB but Pettigrew will be too good to pass up this late in the first round. Pettigrew has been graded as the best tight end in the past 3 drafts and should look good in Raven's purple and black. Joey Flacco needs a dependable dump off receiver with Todd Heap who just can't stay healthy for a whole season. If the Ravens decide to go defense I see them taking Larry English or Vontae Davis with the pick.

27. Indianapolis (12-4) - Vontae Davis, Illinois, CB -
The Colts have the offense so they need to address the defense. Davis had an up-and-down 2008 season in Champaign but his athleticism is off the charts. The brother of 49ers tight end Vernon Davis, Vontae can play lockdown defense and would look good teamed up with Kelvin Hayden at CB.

28. Buffalo (from Philly via Carolina) (12-4) - Eben Britton, Arizona, OT -
I have no idea who this Britton guy is. I just saw his name as being available for top offensive tackle so I said why not. The Bills have to replace Jason Peters now that they shipped him to Philly.

29. New York Giants (12-4) - Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina, WR -
Supposedly this pick is going to be traded to the Cleveland Browns for Braylon Edwards but since it hasn't yet I got the Giants taking Nicks. Nicks is a tall receiver who could replace the departed Plax at wideout. Braylon would be a hell of a pickup for the Giants. He needs to get out of Cleveland as does Brady Quinn. Either way with Nicks or Braylon you get a big target for Eli.

30. Tennessee (13-3) - Alex Mack, California, C -
I know it's not a sexy pick but Mack makes sense for the Titans. They could take Percy Harvin with this pick but I see Jeff Fischer and his gang being more conservative and going with the reliable Mack. He will eventually replace Kevin Mawae and won't be a distraction with the drugs like Harvin. But since he did go to Berkeley he might have to bring a tree with him to hug.

31. Arizona (9-7) - Donald Brown, UCONN, RB -
The Edge is old and worn out and Brown appears to be the best back left on the NFL draft board. Brown is an every down back who can pass block. Will he keep Kurt Warner happy? Of course he will. When has Warner never not been happy? God's light shines down on his crazy wife every day.

32. Pittsburgh (12-4) - Alphonso Smith, Wake Forest, CB -
The Steelers need corners. Alphonso Smith is a very good corner. No more explaining, you get it.

So there you have it. 3 wide receivers taken in the first 9 picks. 2 QB's in the first 10 picks. And yet those are the picks that usually don't pan out. To live and die by the sword of the college offensive star. NFL teams can't help but take the pretty girl with the big boobs. Nor can we.

FEAR THE BIRDMAN

I'm going to sound like such a hypocrite but I'm really into these NBA Playoffs this year. And most of that has to do with "The Birdman" Chris Anderson. The Birdman was suspended last season for "drugs of abuse" as defined by the NBA which means he is probably a cokehead. I mean look at the way the guy plays. He is running around, waving his arms up and down like a bird. The guy must thinks cocaine is a hell of a drug. But that is besides the point. He can jump with the best of them and he is helping the Denver Nuggets (along with Chauncey Billups who has been destroying Chris Paul so far) take an early 2-0 series lead against the Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets.

Most people get into the NBA playoffs because of Kobe, Lebron, Dwayne, or their favorite team is in it. Not me. I love to see The Birdman run around and jump at anything that ball fakes. Plus that European mohawk he is rocking right now is pretty sick.

BEYONCE HAS A GREAT VOICE

This is the board feed from when Beyonce made an appearance on The Today Show. Apparently this leaked to the press and Howard Stern got a hold of it. The board feed is what Beyonce is actually singing, not the CD they play over her voice for all the unsuspecting fans. Someone please shoot that howling dog named Beyonce and put her out of her misery. Never been a fan of Beyonce. Actually I can't stand her. That DirecTV commercial she does often sends me into a fit of rage. Things get damaged, relationships get broken, police visit. I want to live a normal, productive life like Lindsay Lohan. So please Beyonce, just go away.

THE VERSUS HOCKEY DIRECTOR DOES NOT APPROVE OF THOSE TWIN PEAKS

I don't even remember what network "Twin Peaks" was on nor do I care to look it up but it is clear that hockey games can get quite nipply. You know the Versus Director is shouting in poor Lindsay Soto's earpiece to cover up her wonderful mellons...

So there you go, the one NHL Playoff highlight I will post. And it had to involve boobs. Would there be any other reason? Nah. Thanks go out to WithLeather for the clip. I got to go catch this elevator...

A-ROIDS SHIRT BECOMING CULT HIT AT FENWAY PARK

I just got this picture sent to me from my buddy Andrew. He made it to his first Fenway Park game on Sunday and made an immediate impression on all the Chowderheads up there with his brand new Sportscrack A-Roids shirt. He witnessed the Red Sox take game 3 of their series versus my beloved Baltimore team and said the crowd was digging his style.

Beers were bought for him.

Girls numbers were showered upon him.

Land in Montana and Lakers tickets were offered.

All because of a Sportscrack shirt. It really is disgusting how much attention these shirts draw.

Thanks for the picture Drewski. Sweet Hawk by the way!

A-ROIDS SHIRT AVAILABLE HERE

HIGH SCHOOL QB JESSE SCROGGINS WANTS THE BEAVERS

Deadspin points out that high School prep QB Jesse Scroggins is being heavily recruited by schools all across the country. If you check his ESPN.com scouts grade page you can see what particular colleges are on his teenage mind. From top to bottom they read Washington, Arizona, Nebraska, Tennessee and the Beavers of Oregon State. He is spelling it out for ESPN and everybody else. At least he doesn't have South Carolina in there.

CYCLING IS GETTING ROUGH

I know you come to Sportscrack to get insightful analysis regarding cycling so here you go retards. With Leather points out the one cycling highlight I will provide all year.

The royal douchebag goes be the name of Theo Bos. It happened on the 8th stage of the Tour De Turkey as he pulled the yellow jersey of Daryl Impey viciously to hurt the dude. What an asshole! But we already knew that since the guy is a cyclist. I mean what has Lance Armstrong ever done for anybody besides himself. (crickets chirping)

Sorry people, I'm in a rather foul mood today. My internet connection has been blowing almost as bad as the Atlanta Braves and Baltimore Orioles bullpens. I wish they would just stop with the pussy footing with their prospects and go ahead and call up the likes of Tommy Hanson and Chris Tillman. They have to be better than Moylan and Adam Fucking Eaton. Right? Helen Keller could throw more strikes than those two dicknuts. I'm just going to go ahead and crack a beer and curse the internet Gods for giving me a shitty connection today.

HARD HITTIN' QUENTIN SHIRT

Carlos Quentin of the Chicago White Sox was having an MVP type season last year before a freak injury ended his season. This year Hard Hittin' Quentin is off to another fast start and leads the Majors in home runs. So here you go Chicago White Sox fans. You asked for it and we deliver it.

The brand new Hard Hittin' Quentin shirt. Only available at Sportscrack Tees for the low price of $17....


If you got any good ideas for a new shirt let me know. If we use your idea you get a free shirt.

RIP HAMILTON HAS SOME NEW MASKS

I'm not even sure if this is allowed in the NBA but apparently Richard Hamilton of the Detroit Pistons has some new masks for the NBA Playoffs. Take a look...

I'm a fan of the "Condeleeza your ass" mask. It just make sense.

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

I wanted to post the music video but the regulators have disabled it. What a bunch of ginas.

PHUCKING PHANTASTIC 2008 WORLD CHAMPS SHIRTS IN PHILLY

My old college buddies, Rivells and Edwards, managed to get their cheesesteak loving asses out to Citizen Bank Park for Opening Night against the Bravos a couple of weeks ago. I won't mention who won the game because we all know. Any who the guys mentioned the shirts were a hit in Philly. Big hits. Rock star hits. In fact these two were pretty much groped the whole night for pictures and numbers from girls wanted to get a piece. It's the power of the Sportscrack Tee. It's irresistible. So grab one Philly fans. Or grab one for your Philly friend. They will thank you later.

Click here for the Phucking Phantastic, Phuck the Rays shirt.

Don't make these Towson University hockey stars come after you....

MATTHEW STAFFORD SEALS #1 PICK ON JIMMY FALLON SHOW

Last night I decided to drink a 12 pack of Bud Light and watch some baseball. In other words a typical Thursday night by myself, except this time I wasn't crying. I started watching the Jimmy Fallon show because I was getting a little buzz on and I knew no better. Well, I'm glad I watched because I got to see QB Matthew Stafford put on a hell of a show on national television. His skeet shooting accuracy is deadly. Look at the intensity in his eyes. How could Detroit not want "Viva La Matthew"?

JOHN MADDEN TO RETIRE

The NFL already lost one of their voices this week when Harry Kalas passed away doing the thing he loves. Apparently John Madden has followed and decided he would rather eat chicken wings and live his life in solidarity on his bus. That was always Madden's dream and now he can have it. He mentions family for the reason if you wanna buy it...

Madden mentioned his family as a big reason for stepping down.

His 50th wedding anniversary is coming up in December — prime football season when he'd typically be on the road. And his grandchildren —his oldest, Sam is 8 — are now old enough to know "when I'm not around,'' Madden said.

"You add up everything and it's the right time,'' he said. "There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. But at some point, you know you've got to do this. The thing that makes it so hard is that I enjoyed it so damn much. That's why it took me so long.''

Love him or hate him Madden has introduced a generation of video game dorks to the NFL. Myself included. I could never really understand Madden when he announced football games and often times it seemed like he couldn't understand himself. The mumbling got annoying on NBC Sunday Night games. The magic was gone. Cris Collinsworth will replace him and he should be an instant upgrade.

Madden can move on to do other things. Eat wings, play with his grandchildren, sit in his Madden bus and wipe away the tears as he reminisces about all those wonderful Brett Favre moments. And of course do Vagisil commercials...

JOE MONTANA AND ROCKET ISMAIL SIGNED JERSEYS FOR ONE LOW PRICE

I only got one of these specials to offer. For $250 you get a Joe Montana autographed green Notre Dame jersey with sewn on numbers and letters and I will throw in a Rocket Ismail autographed navy replica Notre Dame jersey for free. The Montana jersey comes with the Joe Montana hologram along with a certificate of authenticity. Market value for the Montana jersey is as high as $700 and the Rocket jersey which are impossible to find go for as much as $175.

I have two of the Montana jerseys but only one Rocket jersey. The Rocket jersey I got personally at the College Football Hall of Fame autograph show I did back in September of last year. I will include a certificate of authenticity from Sportscrack.com for the Rocket Ismail signed replica ND jersey.

First come first serve. I only got one Rocket jersey to offer. If you are interested in just the Montana jersey I can do it for $225.

Here is the link for the Montana and Rocket autograph jersey combo for only $250.

NHL PLAYOFFS START TONIGHT, WILL YOU BE WATCHING?

I feel bad for saying this but I don't think I will be watching too much NHL Playoff action this year. I got turned off this season by the Atlanta Thrashers. The Thrashers are so ass backwards right now it's not even remotely fun to watch. For me it was on par with watching Notre Dame football the past two seasons. You get pissed, frustrated, and start questioning why you even waste your time watching it when all you want to do is finish off the case of beer to make the voices in your head blackout. So yeah, I'm a dick for not watching any hockey this season. Call me fair weather. I deserve it. And since I watched so little this season I doubt I will watch much of the playoffs. My energy and focus is on Major League baseball right now with the Baltimore Orioles leading their division and the Atlanta Braves looking like serious contenders in the National League. Oh yeah, Notre Dame's Blue and Gold game is this weekend too. The Fighting Irish are going to be very good in 2009. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a fan. I'm saying it because I believe they have the talent and experience plus a weak ass schedule to make 2009 a special one.

And in regards to the Boston Bruins commercial above I have to give a high five to the Bruin. You don't date the enemy. Ever. Let alone buy her a beer. Traitor.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC IS DON JUAN AND RESOURCEFUL

Who knew that Djokovic was in a boy band? I didn't. The old lady rubbing him down with oil is pretty hot. I felt tingles in my naughty place. I will just go now.

Video HT: FanIQ

JOSH BECKETT SUSPENDED 6 GAMES FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE

Whether or not you are a Red Sox fan or hater you have to agree that Boston pitcher Josh Beckett deserved to get suspended by Major League Baseball. You don't throw at somebody's head because they call time. If his head was Mark you know who then that is okay. But not Bobby Abreu and the Anaheim Angels after the rough and emotional week they went through with Nick Adenhart's sudden death. Beckett deserves the 6 game suspension because he didn't apologize for the intentional throw and because he was a dick trying to start a fight after he threw the pitch.

Things are not starting off too hot in Boston. 2-5 record. Dustin Pedroia has a brother who likes little boys and girls and thus his hometown hates him as does he. And the red hot, division leading Baltimore Orioles are coming to Beantown this weekend. Things are getting very interesting. Surely Boston has to recover as it's only a week into the season but what if they don't? The Detroit Tigers never recovered last season. And they played in a much easier division then Boston. Ruh roh.

RICKIE WEEKS WITH THE FACIAL

In honor of porn star Marilyn Chambers, who passed away today, Milwaukee Brewers second baseman does his best impersonation of a facial...

Marilyn would have been proud. She took facials like a champ and so did Weeks on this pitch. Mike Piazza took in the rear at the christening of Citi Park to pay his respects. True story.

Big props goes out to Weeks. The guy actually stayed in the game. Ladainian Tomlinson could learn something from Weeks. How not to be a pussy.

R.I.P HARRY KALAS

It's been a tough week for baseball fans. First we lose 22 year old pitching sensation Nick Adenhart of the Anaheim Angels and then today we lose legendary Phillies Hall of Fame announcer Harry Kalas as the age of 73. Kalas with his distinctive voice that used to crackle "Outta here" will be sorely missed to not only Philly fans but sports fans worldwide. He provided voice over commentary for NFL Films which made him sound like God. Seriously, as a kid I thought Kalas voice was God. Here is how I will choose to remember Kalas, as the play-by-play Phillies announcer since 1971 calling the final out of the 2008 World Series...

PRETTY BALLSY MOVE BY RAY ALLEN

As if getting their asses kicked on national television wasn't worse enough, what in the hell happened to the Celtic's Ray Allen yesterday? I know the heat of the battle can get the most of some people but I have never thought about elbowing some guy in the nuts. He might as well used Varejao balls as a speedbag. That's just low man. Real low. Too low. Ray Allen better get suspended for a while by David Stern.

The Celtics are crumbling quickly. Ever since they got Starbury they haven't seemed the same. It was a bad move chemistry wise and it doesn't help to lose KG for an extended period of time. Right now the Cavs have to be the overwhelming favorite in the East because they will have home court advantage and have lost just one game in Cleveland all season. Plus they got the best player in the game in Lebron and have the experience of reaching a NBA Finals.

But what about the Magic with Dwight Howard and the Atlanta Hawks with a team that almost beat the Celtics in the first round last year? Could they come up with a couple of upsets and win the East? Sure they could but my money right now is on the Cavaliers. When you get guys like Ray Allen taking low blows then you know people fear you. Right now the Cavaliers are scaring a lot of people.

Video HT: TheBigLead

MVPUJOLS SHIRT

We got another brand new, completely original Sportscrack Tee called MVPUJOLS. For the low price of $17 you can show your support for the 2-time MVP with this great red, navy, and white MVPUJOLS shirt. Only available at the Sportscrack Store, this trademarked designed shirt is a hit at any ballpark Phat Albert clobbers long balls at this season.

Get one before the Machine finds you and has to eliminate you...

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Sublime could have gone on to do even more great things if lead singer Bradley Nowell didn't die of a heroin overdose. At least they left us with this awesome jam...Santeria.

BOOB GRAB CAUGHT AT THE MASTERS

Other than this random boob grab on the 15th hole yesterday the Masters coverage on ESPN and CBS sucked. As you probably know I'm not a huge golf fan but I love to watch the Masters. It's suppose to be the best golf tournament in the world yet we only get 3-4 hours of live coverage per day? I want to see every hole and not just the back nine with the leaders. They didn't start live coverage till 3:30 on Saturday which meant all of America missed Tiger's third round for the most part. That seems pretty smart on their part. The one player that everybody identifies with and knows is shown for all of ten minutes finishing up his round. I was forced to watch the coverage on the internet via masters.org which just isn't the same as watching it on live HD television.

Both Tiger and especially Phil put on a hell of a show. Phil's front nine 30 was one of the best stretches of clutch golf that I have ever seen. I don't like Phil but I found myself rooting for him. You could see Tiger seething as Phil was getting the crowd behind him. Both players would wind up non factors though as Kenny Perry appeared to be on the cusp of winning his first major. A Masters green jacket no less. But then it all came crashing down. He finished bogey bogey on 17th and 18th to blow a two stroke lead and force a 3 man sudden death playoff with Chad Campbell and Angel Cabrera.

And of course the one guy who doesn't speak English wins as Cabrera captured his second major on the 2nd playoff hole because Perry and Campbell choked. It was memorable because of the Perry choke. It could have been even more memorable if we could have the option of watching more coverage starting in the morning. They only play this little golf tournament once a year. I don't think it's asking too much to start showing live coverage beginning at 10 am all four rounds. If I want it I sure as hell know golf fanatics want it.

And more boob grabs too while were at it.

Video HT: Deadspin

GIANTS JOE MARTINEZ HIT WITH MIKE CAMERON'S LINE DRIVE

That a way to use your head out there Martinez...


Last I heard Martinez will be okay. The ball hit so hard off his noggin it ricocheted into the stands. Pretty heads up if you ask me.

Video HT: Joe

LET'S LIGHTEN UP THE MOOD WITH ROLLERTOWN

"DAD, What's a double dicker?"...is that the main character from Kids? You know, the one with the messed up New York accent who always wanted to hit up the virgins. Kids was so disturbing I can still never go back to New York without thinking of those characters. I'm going to take a hot bath in vinegar and tears right now.

R.I.P NICK ADENHART

Horrible news out of Anaheim this morning as it was learned that Anaheim Angels rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in a hit-and-run accident shortly after pitching the best game of his young major league career. Just 22 years old and making his 4th big league start, Adenhart pitched 6 scoreless innings last night while striking out 5 against the Oakland A's. Adenhart was a highly regarded prospect out of Silver Springs, MD who was expected to fortify an Angels rotation this year with injuries to 3 of their starters including John Lackey, Kelvin Escobar, and Ervin Santana.

I've followed Adenhart's career pretty closely since he was drafted. As a Maryland boy I was hoping somehow he could be traded to his hometown Orioles this past offseason. It sucks to see someone so young be taken so quickly. It appears his father got a chance to maybe say goodbye to his son according to the Baltimore Sun...

"His father flew out here from Baltimore to watch him start last night, so his father is here, obviously going through a great deal of grief," Angels spokesman Tim Mead said at the stadium.

My heartfelt condolences go out to the Adenhart family and friends as well as the Angels organization. There are no jokes to be written. I will pour one out for Adenhart tonight.

SOME TOURNAMENT CALLED THE MASTERS IS UNDERWAY

This shitty video footage is from Tuesday at the Masters with Vijay Singh skipping a shot over the water and getting a hole-in-one. Tiger laughed when told about the shot and simply walked over water. He placed the ball into the hole when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the songs of angels and sunlight came down from the skies showing that Tiger is the true God of Golf.

Is there really any doubt Tiger will win this tournament? It appears Vegas thinks Tiger is pretty much a cinch to win his 5th green jacket. Here are the odds for the top 10 guys...

Tiger Woods 4/11
Phil Mickelson 7/5
Padraig Harrington 11/4
Geoff Ogilvy 3/1
Retief Goosen 4/1
Sergio Garcia 9/2
Paul Casey 9/2
Ernie Els 5/1
Rory McIlroy 5/1
Anthony Kim 11/2

So you would literally have to throw down 110 bucks to win back 40. Those are some sick odds. A lot of people think Mickelson will be there with him on the final day but I don't think so. If anyone has a chance it's Padraig Harrington who has a chance to win his third major in a row. It would make a hell of a story this weekend if Tiger and the Fighting Irishman were battling hole-to-hole to number 72.

Oh yeah, why is Sergio Garcia listed at 9/2? Garcia is notorious for taking his sweet time to hit the ball and for not winning a major. He won't this weekend either. The guy just doesn't have it. I blame it on Martina Hingis. She royally fucked up his luck.

PREDICTION: Tiger wins by 2 strokes over Harrington.

BRITNEY SPEARS WORDS OF WISDOM

This was in Vancouver last night at Britney's Circus Tour. Apparently she walked off stage at one point in the show because she smelled weed. In Canada the weed laws are not enforced with such brute force as they are here in the States. Law enforcement accepts for what it is...a way to get high and why are you not passing it over here. Puff puff give mofo. So anywho Britney spouts off these words of wisdom to all her Canadian fans, this coming from a girl who shaved her head and shows off her box at the drop of a dime...

"Thank you Vancouver. Drive safe, don't smoke weed and rock out with your cock out. Peace out mother fuckers!"

Yes, Britney is back and more dirty than ever. God blessed her in so many ways. What an angel.

Video HT: WWTDD