RANDOM JOKE
The Injured Thumb 
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
Monday, September 10, 2007
SPORTSCRACK TOP 25
I've been itching like a dog to get this list off my balls for three weeks now but finally it's here. And unlike the voters in the AP and coaches polls, I have actually watched all these teams play this year. How is that you say? ESPNU has become my drug buddy. It gives me my fix everyday by replaying the games from the week before. I'm telling you the television box is going to be the next big thing in technology. Fucking amazing what images you can see on a daily basis by them flickering lights in the ol' tube. Anyways, here is my top 25. You can send all hate mail to Lloydcarr@umich.edu if you disagree.
1. Oklahoma-These Sooners are for real. Bradford and Kelly are sluts hooking up with each other in alarming if not epidemic proportions. OU has completely dominated North Texas and Miami on offense, defense, and special teams and should continue to cruise to a bitch slap worthy fight against the Book Em' Horns.
2. LSU-Do I really need to explain? Everything is great about this team except the coach Les Miles. I don't trust that pig fucker. He is a wolf in sheep skin and will screw up at least one game for the Tigers.
3. USC-These fuckers are good, we all know. A good test is in Lincoln this week. I'm pulling for the Huskers harder than I tug on myself. FUSC.
4. Florida-Anyone expecting a sudden drop off in play from the Gators after losing some players better wake up and smell the Tebow. The annual Smokey ball licking contest should be interesting.
5. California-Two words: Desean Jackson. Nuff said.
6. West Virginia-Looked awful in the first half against rival Marshall. Second half the Mountaineers played up to their capabilities by sprinkling White and Slaton all over the Thundering Herd.
7. Texas-The Longhorns struggled for the first 7 quarters of the season in wins over Arkansas State and TCU but appeared to hit their stride in the fourth quarter on Saturday.
8. Georgia Tech-I know I am a complete jerkoff for putting this team this high. They have demolished two bad teams in Notre Dame and Samford, but what can I say, I'm a sucker for a good defense to go along with a potent running game.
9. Rutgers-They didn't look exceptional vs. Navy but got the job done.
10. Penn State-Their defense will win a lot of games for them but they have to improve the offense. Anthony Morelli is an average QB.
11. Louisville-Their offense will win a lot of games for them but they have no defense. Giving up 35 points in one half to Middle Tennessee State should get you hung and shot.
12. UCLA-I'm not sure why I have these Pac-10 pussies up here other than the fact that the other teams behind them haven't showed me much.
13. Wisconsin-I really need to make it up to Madison for one trip to experience a game day up there. I say this because I'm a degenerate alcoholic with a terrible rash caused by college football couchitis.
14. Nebraska-Beat USC and you will be a top 10 team.
15. Oregon-Destroyed Michigan in the Big House. I really like watching Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart but still wonder if the Ducks are just a mirage of past great starts.
16. Texas A&M-I know they looked like shit vs. Fresno State but they still got the W and will continue to get better as the season progresses.
17. South Florida-They beat the Auburn Tigers on the road and are now sitting at 2-0. I don't think I need to rationalize this ranking.
18. Ohio State-The Buckeyes are missing something. Oh yeah, a QB worth a damn.
19. South Carolina-The Cocks have a really good defense and a senior QB who has been generally regarded as a fuck up. Redemption could be sweet justice for Blake Mitchell.
20. Arkansas-Darren McFadden and Felix Jones form the best backfield in the nation.
21. Missouri-Chase Daniel could lead the Tigers to the Big 12 Championship game.
22. Boston College-Huge game against the Yellow Jackets this weekend could determine ACC Champs.
23. Tennessee-I would not be stunned to see the Volunteers pull off the upset this week against the Gators.
24. Clemson-James Davis and CJ Spiller form the second best backfield in the nation.
25. Georgia-Young and inexperienced in some areas, they will continue to get better as the team matures. Matthew Stafford will be a great QB.
Time to go take my crazy pills...
I THINK SEC POON JUST FOUND A WINNER
The fine fellas over at www.secpoon.com have started a campaign to find the hottest chick in the SEC. Today they revealed a Tiger that captured my heart and my loins. Thank you Auburn for providing all things great in SEC Poon.
SPURRIER IS A COCK
I know it's one thing to own a team like Steve Spurrier has done with Georgia through out much of his coaching career, but talk about rubbing salt in the wounds of Georgia fans.
“It wasn’t like they were some big, powerful team,” Spurrier said on his television show Sunday. “They’ve actually lost five in a row to Eastern Division opponents. Kentucky and Vandy beat ‘em last year.”
Zing! Take that Bulldawg fans. I was at the game on Saturday, standing in what only felt like the hottest place in the world other than Mark Mangino's arm pit, and could see Spurrier feeding off the Georgia crowd. As halftime approached and Spurrier was the last man to walk off the field, the Georgia crowd started to boo him.
Spurrier loved it. He waved his arms to the crowd to be louder. The lesson is to never feed the beast that can destroy you. Or in this case the Cock that can destroy you.
Once a cock always a cock, click clack bitches!
YAY OR NAY?
Would you still give the redneck trailer trash, can't lipsynch and dances like a sedated monkey swinging on a tree branch while trying to masterbate Britney Spears another shot in the sack?
We all know her performance was shit. But I want to know what the Sportscrack nation thinks about giving it to Britney still despite all of her fucked up, drugged out hillbilly shit lately.
Yay for yes you would. Nay for no.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
RANDOM JOKE
Just before an American wrestler takes on a Russian opponent, his coach warns him to avoid the Russky’s unbeatable “pretzel” move.
The match starts, and the Russian quickly gets the American doubled over in the pretzel. The coach can’t bear to watch…then he looks up to see his wrestler pinning the Russian.
“How’d you do it?” the coach asks after the match.
“I saw this pair of balls in front of my face,” the wrestler replies. “So I just bit them.” “It worked!” the coach exclaims.
“No,” says the wrestler. “But it’s amazing how strong you get when your testicles get bitten.”
K. Campbell
Baton Rouge, LA
MIKE HART GUARANTEES WIN OVER NOTRE DAME
Despite Michigan losing two games in embarrassing fashion the first two weeks and the loss of senior QB Chad Henne to injury, RB Mike Hart guaranteed a victory next week against Notre Dame in the Big House. You can watch the press conference here.
Now I will be the first to admit that Notre Dame has played like horse shit...wait, not just horse shit but elephant shit because the shit they have shown on Saturdays has been so enormously huge it could fill the Big House on Saturday. But would anybody really be able to tell the difference between the smell of elephant shit and the normal smell of Ann Arbor? I didn't think so. Anyways, I don't think it was very smart on Hart's part to guarantee anything after Michigan losses to an I-AA team and an average Oregon team. If Notre Dame can't sack up for this game after two blowout losses themselves and the bulletin board, hell, video board-worthy Hart guarantee then I think we need to stop calling coach Charlie Weis a genius at anything.
It's called motivation and it can help teams like Applachian State pull off inprobable victories. It's time for both Notre Dame and Michigan to play to the level they are capable of which isn't elephant shit but the sweet smell of roses...
Time for Notre Dame and Michigan to stop playing like pooh-pooh.
Friday, September 07, 2007
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM CONTEST
Just a reminder guys and gals to make your picks before the deadline at 6 eastern tonight. Last week we had four way tie between yours truly, cards88, Jimmy Clausen #7, and Metallibama. So this week who ever picks the most winners against the spread wins 2 Sportscrack shirts! Remember, our shirts are not only cool as fuck but are guarenteed to get you laid if only you didn't drink so much and blabber like Lou Holtz on Gameday...
Wow, I didn't think anybody could make Mark May look halfway intelligent, but you did Holtz. When did Notre Dame become Knower Wame?
RANDOM JOKE
Golf Fatality
A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan." 
RUGBY WORLD CUP STARTS TODAY
I know it's not College Football or even a sport that 95% of Americans even know that we actually play, but the Rugby World Cup starts today in the brutal, no holds bar bat crazy country of...France. The official website with live coverage is at www.rugbyworldcup.com in case you were interested. It may be a brutal sport with the chances of losing an eye, ear, or your sanity all very real possibilities but there is always an entertainment factor of seeing somebody get hurt (it's the reason so many rednecks love NASCAR). Of course the Americans suck ass but you should watch just for the chances of something like this happening...
Europeans are much more "open" with their bodies, god bless them.
And if you want to watch some really nasty hits then watch this clip...
ROY HOBBS OR MARK MCGWIRE?
Rick Ankiel, the feel good story of the St. Louis Cardinals who has been compared to fictional character Roy Hobbs since his August call-up, might be just as big a phony as past Cardinals star Mark McGwire. Despite the euphoria of hitting his 9th homerun in 81 at-bats since reinventing himself as a Major League slugger after fizzling as a pitcher 7 years ago, it appears Ankiel has received HGH from a Florida pharmacy as recently as late 2004.
The complete story is here.
So this begs the question, is Ankiel a modern day Hobbs or McGwire? Once we get some honest answers from Ankiel then we can decide if he is as fictional as those two slugging icons.
The Cardinals 2006 World Series Championship deal with the devil continues to come back and bite them in the ass.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS AND NOTES
-In case anybody was wondering where the Sportscrack Top 25 vote is don't bother looking because it won't be up till after the third week of the season. I'm taking the stance you can't rank teams till after 3 weeks of play because honestly the first 2 games are like preseason contests (even more reason why there should be a playoff). As much as I would love to rank USC the clear #1 team right now because of all the talent they possess, it is unfair to other teams such as West Virginia, LSU, Florida, etc. to rank them ahead of other good teams when they have only played Idaho. After September 15th we will get a better feel of who the best teams and players will be this season.
-Watching Louisville try to play defense is about as painful as watching your new single buddy trying to hit on women after a long relationship that just ended in a restraining order. The Cardinals will score a ton of points all season thanks to an explosive offense led by senior QB Brian Brohm, 
but until they can learn how to keep the other teams from running up and down the field all day they will never be a serious title contender. BCS Title for those wondering.
-Please stop with the Booty 4 Heisman bullshit.
Let's think rationally before spitting out his name for consideration. He is no where near the talent of Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, or Reggie Bush and the only reason why people consider him a serious candidate is because he is the QB for the Trojans. His two big performances came late last season against Notre Dame and Michigan. Those two defenses would have been shredded by anybody, hell Troy Smith did it last year and he can't catch a cold in the NFL.
JOEPA BASHING
Check out the complete list over at FireMarkMay.
I know for all intended purposes Penn State should crush Notre Dame in Beaver Valley, the home of urine soaked fat co-eds, but I really hope this is JoePa's last game because he can't stand to go down as the coach who actually lost to a Clausen.
Only then will we see "his tears are older than cancer."
THIS DAY IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL HISTORY
In his first collegiate game 27 years ago today, Herschel Walker runs right over Bill Bates en route to a 16-15 win for the Dawgs over the Volunteers. The Dawgs would win the National Championship that season in large if not all in part to the phenomenal freshman.
I still think Walker is the best player I have ever seen on film to play at the collegiate level. A man among boys, I got to meet Herschel a few years ago and got an autograph while chatting with him. He seemed very humble and thankful that so many people adore him for what he did on the football field during his legendary days in
Athens.
In honor of Herschel this weekend I will be up in Athens for the South Carolina game and my plan is to drink 34 Natty Lights...so in other words I will be blacking out hard and fast...
IF ONLY...
...I actually took golf lessons.
...I was half black and half Asian, otherwise called a Blasian.
...I had some incredible talent besides the ability to jerk off in less than ten seconds. (true)
...I went to Stanford and worked at my craft instead of tapping kegs and legs at the local State college.
...I had a father who groomed me to be the best in the world in something dominated by unathletic rich pricks who are more fake than a Phil Mickelson smile.
...I could be a nerd who is adored by women despite never having sex with one till meeting a gorgeous European nanny wife.
...I could get paid to drive around in a car that only mental patients and old senile people whom eat oatmeal three times a day drive.
...I could plan my finances around actual income and not expenses on booze, gambling, and strip clubs.
...I made a billion fucking dollars to play a game of getting a little white ball into a stupid hole other than my hot wife then I could have been...
Damn you Tiger!
RANDOM WEST VIRGINIA JOKE
A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.
“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”
“But what, son?” asks the father.
“She’s a virgin.”
The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”
Rupert Munson
Fort Worth, TX
THE NFL IS BACK
With college football already kicked off I failed to recognize the NFL was to do the same tonight. And luckily for us we get to see a potential Super Bowl match up with the New Orleans Saints visiting the Indianapolis Colts at the RCA Dome tonight. I wonder why ESPN isn't hyping this game up or the NFL kicking off?
Oh, right, because it is on NBC. ESPN isn't about hyping up games on other networks. They are all about 24 hour coverage of the Spelling BEE because they have the rights. Funny how that works.
I'm looking forward to watching Peyton Manning tonight. He finally got the proverbial monkey off his back last year while capturing his first ring. And the guy is just unbelievable with kids through his charity work with the United Way...
I'll kill a snitch.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS?
You can not be serious, Booty 4 Heisman? I love the backside of the ladies myself, but there is no way in hell I'm voting for John David Booty to win the Heisman just because of some random pictures of ass.
Now you start putting pictures of Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba's fine rumps up there and we might start talking about the 7th best QB in the nation having a chance to win the Heisman. But I want some good pictures, like jealous ex-boyfriend type shit.
Oh yeah, if you want to visit the Booties-4-Booty Site click here.
And since we are talking about the Heisman here is my top 5 as of right now.
1. Desean Jackson
2. Colt Brennan
3. Pat White
4. Darren McFadden/Felix Jones-both of these scud missiles are deadly, you can't just give it to one.
5. Tashard Choice
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